The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 4, Episode 5 - Magical Singing Golden Cheeses/Hard Day's Luck - full transcript
( narrator )
Long ago, in a little village
in the kingdom of fie
Renwaldo and Stimpleton,
sons of the dirt smith,
kept house together.
Renwaldo, we've had no food
since the last crusade.
( moans )
Then there's only
one thing we can do.
( snapping )
Take the family chigger
and trade it for some
food that we may eat.
I'll guard it like
it was my own brain.
So, Stimpleton began his
perilous quest for food.
He searched hither...
as well as yon.
Mumble grumble,
mumble grumble, mumble...
that's a dumb
proposal.
( grumbling )
Halt !
Who goes there ?
Who dares disturb
the man-eating village idiot ?
( gushing )
Oh, great and powerful
exalted, potentate
of stupitude,
it is I, Stimpleton--
lowly, illegitimate son of
the miserable dirt smith--
come to trade my chigger
for some food.
A chigger !
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
hmm...
good clarity,
well-Developed thorax.
I'll take it !
( chomping )
Can I have my food now ?
( gulping )
I must confess,
I have no food to trade.
But I have something better:
magical, golden,
singing cheeses !
They're beautiful.
I'll take 'em.
Nay, thou mayn't.
( farts )
Only the most
idiotic of idiots
shall possess my
magic cheeses.
Unless thou proveth
thine stupidity in a
battle of witlessness,
I shall eat
thee !
Get it ?
( chattering )
Hmm, not badeth, yes.
But watcheth
thou this.
( screaming )
( howling )
( yelping )
How do you
like them apples ?
Quite moronic.
But feasteth
thine eyes upon this.
( huffing )
( thumping beating )
( screaming )
( moaning )
Stimpleton, thine ignorance
is sorely unsurpassed.
Aw, go on.
With the battle won,
Stimpleton leaves with
the cheeses as the victor.
And the man-eating
village idiot
dead from stupidity.
( panting )
( sniffing )
How dare you bring me
these unripened cheeses ?
Go hither, and bury them
in the stable
'neath the manger,
so they may
ripen to my taste.
( clanking )
( rumbling )
Who dares dig
a hole in my roof ?
It is I, Stimpleton,
Mr. Ogre, sir.
And how will
I be compensated
for this violation upon
my humble digs ?
Give me them cheese !
These are not cheese,
these are...
shoes !
( giggling )
Say, I could use
a pair of them.
I'll take 'em.
( chuckling )
Stimpleton,
go yonder to the stable
and fetch the cheeses.
And be quick
about it !
Lest I shall surely starve.
( snoring )
( buzzing flies )
( snapping )
( screaming )
( chuckling )
Who the perpetrator of
this great villainy be ?
It is I, Stimpleton,
your royal royalness.
Renwaldo and I are starving.
We've come to eat
your stinkin' shoes.
Well, I don't know.
I've kind of grown attached
to these shoes.
Just broke 'em in.
Tell you what, though,
I'll let you have them
for your spleen.
I don't know if I have
anything small enough.
Can you
break a kidney ?
Sure.
Here's your change:
three kidney stones,
a tapeworm,
and my gallbladder.
So they happily
make the trade.
And Stimpleton
races back home
with the cheeses in hand
and presents them
to Renwaldo.
( sniffing )
( retching )
Man, that's good cheese !
Stimpleton, these are indeed
the stinkiest of cheeses !
Chowest down, Renwaldo.
After the first bite,
the curse of the magical
singing cheeses was lifted,
changing them back into what
they once were--
princesses.
Milk curd princesses.
So they were forced
to marry the princesses,
lived happily ever after,
and starved to death.
( brogue singing )
( yawning )
Oh, Marvin.
Uh, yes,
Mr. Haggis, sir.
Uh, help me
with my hair.
( dinging )
( ripping )
Ow !
Ahh.
Oh, what I'd do
for my own locks.
Duh, here is your
breakfast, Mr. Haggis.
It is your favorite.
Oh, boy !
( clunking )
( dinging )
Duh, "magic
leprechaun charm.
Just add water."
( buzzing )
( dinging )
( rumbling )
Top of the mornin',
laddies !
Say, nice palace
you got here, sonny.
You know, it's a dirty hand
that makes a clean house.
( screaming )
It's a foreigner !
Throw him out
at once !
( ringing bell )
Wait !
But I'm a
magic leprechaun.
I can grant you anything
you wish.
Give me a flowing mane
of me own locks, right now.
All right, all right,
I'll grant you your wish.
But only if you can
first pass a test,
if you're man enough.
Oh, yeah !
I can pass any
measly test.
You've got
yourself a deal.
( cracking )
( weeping )
( yelling )
And now for
the first test, baldy.
Can you keep
your temper ?
Oh, what temper ?
Duh, yeah,
he is always mad.
I... I...
if you fail,
the big, dumb
houseboy is mine.
Let's begin.
( snapping )
Click.
( operatic singing )
Once upon a time, there was
an ugly little Scotsman,
who was very angry.
He had only
three sons.
Now, the first one,
he done ran away
and went to
live on the moon.
Where he was very happy.
Now, the second son
ran away to live
in a crack in
the blarney stone.
( creaking )
And it was a very comfy
home indeed.
And then, finally,
the last son left home
to live inside a cave.
Then he invited all his
friends, who had a big party.
( rattling )
And they all lived
happily ever--
uh, happy ?
Uh, he lived, uh--
let's see,
what did he do ?
Oh, yeah, he lived
happily ever--
ah !
Duh, one nation, unguarded,
where witches stand.
( shattering )
Ooh, ahh !
Dang !
That hurt,
I think.
Do it again, more...
uh, whenever you're done,
you can hand over
that houseboy.
Well, you've got one last
chance to win your wish.
If you can pass
a test of courage.
Courage ?
Throw me to
the lions.
I'll slay any dragons.
Then prove to me that you're
not afraid of the dark.
Now, remember the rules.
If you can last more than a
minute down there, you win.
But if you lose,
the shillelagh is mine.
( creaking gears )
( dripping )
Ha, courage.
Afraid of
what dark ?
( popping )
Here, have another Egg.
( farts )
Well, uh, at least
there's no snakes.
( rattling )
Well, then, certainly
there are no monsters ?
( belching )
( chuckling )
( belching )
Ooh !
Hey, buddy,
got a light ?
( screaming )
( yelping )
( blubbering )
Tisk, tisk, tisk.
So close.
( rattling )
Well, I'll be takin'
that shillelagh now.
Come on.
Oh, no,
not my shillelagh.
Oh, please, don't make me,
don't make me...
( bawling )
All right, shut up !
Very well, a leprechaun's got
his reputation to uphold.
It's okay, you can win.
Ah !
Take this lucky bean.
Eat it, and you'll be
granted your wish.
Ah !
( rumbling )
( booming )
♪ Hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah ♪
( joyously yelping )
( booming explosion )
Long ago, in a little village
in the kingdom of fie
Renwaldo and Stimpleton,
sons of the dirt smith,
kept house together.
Renwaldo, we've had no food
since the last crusade.
( moans )
Then there's only
one thing we can do.
( snapping )
Take the family chigger
and trade it for some
food that we may eat.
I'll guard it like
it was my own brain.
So, Stimpleton began his
perilous quest for food.
He searched hither...
as well as yon.
Mumble grumble,
mumble grumble, mumble...
that's a dumb
proposal.
( grumbling )
Halt !
Who goes there ?
Who dares disturb
the man-eating village idiot ?
( gushing )
Oh, great and powerful
exalted, potentate
of stupitude,
it is I, Stimpleton--
lowly, illegitimate son of
the miserable dirt smith--
come to trade my chigger
for some food.
A chigger !
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
hmm...
good clarity,
well-Developed thorax.
I'll take it !
( chomping )
Can I have my food now ?
( gulping )
I must confess,
I have no food to trade.
But I have something better:
magical, golden,
singing cheeses !
They're beautiful.
I'll take 'em.
Nay, thou mayn't.
( farts )
Only the most
idiotic of idiots
shall possess my
magic cheeses.
Unless thou proveth
thine stupidity in a
battle of witlessness,
I shall eat
thee !
Get it ?
( chattering )
Hmm, not badeth, yes.
But watcheth
thou this.
( screaming )
( howling )
( yelping )
How do you
like them apples ?
Quite moronic.
But feasteth
thine eyes upon this.
( huffing )
( thumping beating )
( screaming )
( moaning )
Stimpleton, thine ignorance
is sorely unsurpassed.
Aw, go on.
With the battle won,
Stimpleton leaves with
the cheeses as the victor.
And the man-eating
village idiot
dead from stupidity.
( panting )
( sniffing )
How dare you bring me
these unripened cheeses ?
Go hither, and bury them
in the stable
'neath the manger,
so they may
ripen to my taste.
( clanking )
( rumbling )
Who dares dig
a hole in my roof ?
It is I, Stimpleton,
Mr. Ogre, sir.
And how will
I be compensated
for this violation upon
my humble digs ?
Give me them cheese !
These are not cheese,
these are...
shoes !
( giggling )
Say, I could use
a pair of them.
I'll take 'em.
( chuckling )
Stimpleton,
go yonder to the stable
and fetch the cheeses.
And be quick
about it !
Lest I shall surely starve.
( snoring )
( buzzing flies )
( snapping )
( screaming )
( chuckling )
Who the perpetrator of
this great villainy be ?
It is I, Stimpleton,
your royal royalness.
Renwaldo and I are starving.
We've come to eat
your stinkin' shoes.
Well, I don't know.
I've kind of grown attached
to these shoes.
Just broke 'em in.
Tell you what, though,
I'll let you have them
for your spleen.
I don't know if I have
anything small enough.
Can you
break a kidney ?
Sure.
Here's your change:
three kidney stones,
a tapeworm,
and my gallbladder.
So they happily
make the trade.
And Stimpleton
races back home
with the cheeses in hand
and presents them
to Renwaldo.
( sniffing )
( retching )
Man, that's good cheese !
Stimpleton, these are indeed
the stinkiest of cheeses !
Chowest down, Renwaldo.
After the first bite,
the curse of the magical
singing cheeses was lifted,
changing them back into what
they once were--
princesses.
Milk curd princesses.
So they were forced
to marry the princesses,
lived happily ever after,
and starved to death.
( brogue singing )
( yawning )
Oh, Marvin.
Uh, yes,
Mr. Haggis, sir.
Uh, help me
with my hair.
( dinging )
( ripping )
Ow !
Ahh.
Oh, what I'd do
for my own locks.
Duh, here is your
breakfast, Mr. Haggis.
It is your favorite.
Oh, boy !
( clunking )
( dinging )
Duh, "magic
leprechaun charm.
Just add water."
( buzzing )
( dinging )
( rumbling )
Top of the mornin',
laddies !
Say, nice palace
you got here, sonny.
You know, it's a dirty hand
that makes a clean house.
( screaming )
It's a foreigner !
Throw him out
at once !
( ringing bell )
Wait !
But I'm a
magic leprechaun.
I can grant you anything
you wish.
Give me a flowing mane
of me own locks, right now.
All right, all right,
I'll grant you your wish.
But only if you can
first pass a test,
if you're man enough.
Oh, yeah !
I can pass any
measly test.
You've got
yourself a deal.
( cracking )
( weeping )
( yelling )
And now for
the first test, baldy.
Can you keep
your temper ?
Oh, what temper ?
Duh, yeah,
he is always mad.
I... I...
if you fail,
the big, dumb
houseboy is mine.
Let's begin.
( snapping )
Click.
( operatic singing )
Once upon a time, there was
an ugly little Scotsman,
who was very angry.
He had only
three sons.
Now, the first one,
he done ran away
and went to
live on the moon.
Where he was very happy.
Now, the second son
ran away to live
in a crack in
the blarney stone.
( creaking )
And it was a very comfy
home indeed.
And then, finally,
the last son left home
to live inside a cave.
Then he invited all his
friends, who had a big party.
( rattling )
And they all lived
happily ever--
uh, happy ?
Uh, he lived, uh--
let's see,
what did he do ?
Oh, yeah, he lived
happily ever--
ah !
Duh, one nation, unguarded,
where witches stand.
( shattering )
Ooh, ahh !
Dang !
That hurt,
I think.
Do it again, more...
uh, whenever you're done,
you can hand over
that houseboy.
Well, you've got one last
chance to win your wish.
If you can pass
a test of courage.
Courage ?
Throw me to
the lions.
I'll slay any dragons.
Then prove to me that you're
not afraid of the dark.
Now, remember the rules.
If you can last more than a
minute down there, you win.
But if you lose,
the shillelagh is mine.
( creaking gears )
( dripping )
Ha, courage.
Afraid of
what dark ?
( popping )
Here, have another Egg.
( farts )
Well, uh, at least
there's no snakes.
( rattling )
Well, then, certainly
there are no monsters ?
( belching )
( chuckling )
( belching )
Ooh !
Hey, buddy,
got a light ?
( screaming )
( yelping )
( blubbering )
Tisk, tisk, tisk.
So close.
( rattling )
Well, I'll be takin'
that shillelagh now.
Come on.
Oh, no,
not my shillelagh.
Oh, please, don't make me,
don't make me...
( bawling )
All right, shut up !
Very well, a leprechaun's got
his reputation to uphold.
It's okay, you can win.
Ah !
Take this lucky bean.
Eat it, and you'll be
granted your wish.
Ah !
( rumbling )
( booming )
♪ Hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah ♪
( joyously yelping )
( booming explosion )