The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 4, Episode 4 - Prehistoric Stimpy/Farm Hands - full transcript
( man )
This is the world-famous
museum of natural history,
home to the skeletal remains
of the mightiest creatures
that ever walked
the face of the earth...
( chattering )
...The great beasts known
as dinosaurs.
Wow, Ren,
look how big it is !
Yeah, come on,
I'll race you to the top !
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
no, Ren, stop !
We could get
in trouble.
Whee, yahoo, whee !
Hold it, girlie,
that ain't no divin' board.
Now get down from there,
you're scarin' the nuns.
Chiggers !
You wait right there,
I'll be down in a jiffy.
Wohp !
( crashing )
Wow !
( laughing )
Now look what
I made you do.
You made a mess of
old johnny here.
Yeek !
Yeek !
Eek !
Eek ! Eek !
Krag-nabbit,
now you did scare the nuns.
( shattering )
Mmm.
So, you boys like
dinosaurs, do ya ?
Uh-huh.
Uh-Huh.
Well, then, you came
to the right place.
Wilbur H. Cobb,
dinosaur guide, at your service.
And this is the largest
of all dinosaurs,
the Stimpy-Saurus.
The stupidest creature
that ever lived.
Wow !
Wow !
Hey, you told me you were
the stupidest one ever.
Hand it over.
Yes, sir, that old
Stimpy-Saurus
was a giant among giants,
an ethyl among bourbons.
Excuse me a sec.
Eh gods,
it's hot in here.
Now, now, where,
where was I ?
Oh, yeah.
Now, you can't tell the story
of the Stimpy-Saurus
without going back,
way back, back,
way, way back...
back when the earth was in
its infancy,
still in diapers.
It was a
hot world.
It was a wet world.
It was a hot,
wet world.
Now, back then, life was
just single-celled organisms,
each with their own
unique method
of stimulating reproduction.
( wheezing air )
( wheezing air )
Yes, it may seem cruel,
such is nature's way.
But as the saying goes:
if you want to make a cake,
you've gotta bust a few heads.
Yep, life was about to
venture into the unknown
and take to land.
( all )
Ooh-Ahh.
That's when
the slimy sea scum
took its first steps
out of the water.
( shrieking )
Thus started
the quest for air,
the quest for a grownup
little guppy to stand up.
Up to that point, life had been
an evolutionary crapshoot.
But by sheer happenstance,
and against all odds,
a miracle occurred:
a lowly Stimpy-fish
bravely took to land.
This was the single
most important
evolutionary
event to date.
( laughing )
What a dope !
But old pappy nature
is a persistent cuss,
and wasn't about to
give up that easy !
Well, what do you know,
he made it !
( honking )
Fossil records show
that this specimen
was an evolutionary dead end.
Oh, I tell ya,
it would have hurt a lot less
to jump in that tar pit,
instead of gettin'
hit by a bus,
I'll tell ya that.
Willikers.
Ah, that's
a load of crap.
There weren't buses
in those days.
Crap ?!
Were you there,
huh, were ya ?
Corn-fed young punk,
you young
wipe-It-offs.
No buses, huh ?
What do you
call that ?
Now, where was I ?
Oh, yeah.
In time, nature flourished.
The world was soon rich with
fauna and flora of all types.
Life was good...
life was hard.
( screaming )
Life was a
constant battle.
( booming thunder )
And in this battle,
one beast reigned supreme.
( laughing )
One beast,
the Stimpy-Saurus.
His roar sent echoes of fear
throughout the land.
Happy, happy,
duh, joy, joy.
This creature actually
had a hand
in nurturing
the rise of man.
It was in the treeassic period.
So named because
the Stimpy-Saurus
evolved the habit of
living in trees.
This behavior
proved beneficial
to early man in many ways.
It provided them shelter
from the storm.
( crackling thunder )
And, it gave them fire.
Yes, friend to mankind,
always nice to his mother,
never wrote a bad check.
This majestic
mountain of might
ruled over all he surveyed.
But alas,
this creature, too,
fell victim to the insidious
tar pits.
And that's all she wrote.
Shame really,
a heck of a nice guy.
Wife name Mildred,
sturdy woman...
uh, well, then,
how did the other
dinosaurs become extinct ?
Now, that's a very good
question, punky.
There are many theories
about how that came to pass.
Some say it was the coming
of the ice age.
Others say
it was a comet...
( booming explosion )
...That killed the dinosaurs.
While some others claim
they ran out of food.
But I'll let you in
on a little secret.
Just between you, me,
and the chiggers,
I know what really
killed the dinosaurs.
Tv !
Too much
dad-Blamed Tv !
Turned 'em into a Lotta,
into a bunch of
slackjawed zombies.
Then they all drank out
of a dirty dog dish--
disgusting habit.
Oh, no, no, sorry.
It was, uh, 'cause they all
moved to jersey.
Yeah, that's it.
Haircuts, they all
got bad haircuts.
No, they thought
they were superman,
and jumped off
a building.
Ran around with
scissors in their hands.
And then poked their eyes out
with grapefruit spoons.
Athletes foot.
No, hemorrhoids,
really bad hemorrhoids.
Oh, oh, I know,
they sneezed, coughed,
and belched at the same time
and all exploded.
( sneezing, farting, belching )
( booming explosion )
Wah.
It'll all be
over soon, pal.
Well, it was a
Peruvian bus flood.
Yeah, yeah.
And they all had to
eat each other to survive.
Yeah, that's what
happened, yeah.
Super-heated gases
shrunk their lungs
to the size of raisins,
and the kid on
the top bunk died.
( man )
Hold it.
Don't listen to
this guy, kids.
( laughing )
He ain't nothin' but a lowly
bone polisher around here.
Back to polishin',
Cobb.
No, no.
No, it was me,
I killed the dinosaurs !
( cackling )
Me, I did it !
With my bare hands !
The mighty
Cobb-O-Saurus.
I ran 'em over with
my truck !
( laughing )
Gee, what a
funny man, Ren !
And he was so smart too.
Feh, who needs to hear from
him when you have me,
a perfect specimen of
evolutionary progress.
Now, come on, Stimpy,
I'm hungry.
Let's go get a taco.
( mooing )
( neighing horse )
Is the younguns done with
they chores yet, Ewalt ?
Do we have
younguns, Abner ?
( mooing )
Duh, sure we do !
How's about
little Effie sue ?
Hmm.
Nope, she done got
ate up by the pigs.
( neighing jackass )
Uh, what about
abwalt and eebner ?
Nope, they got ate up
by the thresher.
( chuckling )
Oh, yeah.
Uh, gooey Cletus
and cheesy Mae ?
No, we hung them yesterday.
( laughing )
Yeah !
( snorting )
Hey, who we gonna get
to do the chores now ?
( dinging )
I got it, let's us buy
some new younguns.
Yeah, we can order 'em out
in this here comical book.
Can you read
a comical book ?
Not a word !
Me neither !
( idiotic cackling )
Hey, Ewalt, look-ee
what come in the mail.
Uh, De-Hy, De-Hy-dra,
De-Hy-dra...
uh... tobaccy !
Here, Ewalt,
have a gnaw !
( chewing )
This here is some
right fine gnaw, Abner.
Time to spit.
( hawking )
Mama, papa !
Congratulations !
You needn't suffer from
unproductive loins any longer,
for it is we who are
your children.
Well, when do we eat ?
Gawd, Abner,
them's the ugliest younguns
ever I did see.
Haw-haw-haw-haw, nothin'
a few trips to
the thresher won't fix.
Now, you younguns quit
your lollygaggin'
and get to
doin' your chores.
You misunderstand,
we're here
for the kid stuff.
You know, you take us
to a movie,
buy us candy, like that.
Chores, indeed.
Why don't you boys
mosey over to the henhouse
and get us some eggs.
A-ha !
( chicken )
Hey, it's that dad-blasted
easter bunny again !
Yeah, pinchin' our eggs
and takin' all the credit.
Easter bunny ?
( chuckling )
I see, you're confusing me,
'cause I've got long ears, I--
cotton-tailed rodent !
Political stooge !
Jelly beaner !
Better start hoppin' down
that bunny trail, rat !
Now see here, ladies,
I came here to get eggs,
and get eggs I will.
( cocking )
Taste hot yolk,
rabbit !
( firing )
( laughing )
Look at him run !
( clucking )
Ahem.
Boo hoo hoo hoo,
buck buck buck.
Oh, woe is me.
I am a chicken
without an Egg.
Oh, what will
I do ?
Buck buck buck.
Uh, pardon me, could you
help a fellow chicken
who is down
on his luck ?
Oh, the poor thing !
How sad !
Oh, we simply
must do something.
Of course
we'll help.
Oh, boy !
( rumbling )
( laughing )
( clucking )
Ah, my little pheasant.
Why must we kid ourselves
any longer ?
Dash it all.
I love you !
Oh, no thanks.
( gulping )
And, of course,
since we chickens
have no teeth with which
to chew our food,
you'll need to swallow
this nice heaping handful
of gravel to
break it up.
Allow me.
( rustling )
( honking )
( giggling )
Howdy, Ren,
whatcha doin' ?
Chewing !
Oh, boy, Stimpy !
Finally,
we get to eat !
Come and get it !
Cow pot pies
and prairie oysters.
Y'all dig in.
Hold it,
for shame !
Look at your teeth.
They're all
white and pearly.
Don't you know that teeth are
a source of disease ?
What if the neighbors saw ?
But don't you
boys fret none.
I'll have them pesky buggers
out in no time !
Hey, you can't use that
instrument on them younguns.
( hawking )
It weren't sterile !
Oh, yeah.
Ha ha ha,
yeah, yeah.
( screaming )
Well, Ewalt,
now you can finish
that necklace you started.
Well, we've slopped the pigs,
what do we do next ?
Why don't y'all go on over
to the barn and milk bossy,
and change the horse's litter.
Litter !
Dibs !
"Go milk bossy."
Oh, well, at least
cows are harmless.
Oh, miss bossy, ma'am,
may I have some of your...
milk ?
( thumping beating )
Hey, Stimpy,
I think the gorilla
wants you to milk her.
Sure, Ren,
we'll trade jobs.
Thanks.
( creaking )
Ooh.
Hey, Ren, I like my job,
how 'bout you ?
( gargling )
No, sir,
I don't like it.
( chattering )
Stimpy,
can you feel it ?
They're here, all around us,
watching, burning holes
in me with their eyes.
Shh !
Easy, Ren,
you're talkin' crazy talk.
Me crazy,
what about them ?
First they're pigs.
Next thing you know,
they'll probably dress up
like scarecrows.
Howdy !
You boys better get over
and clean that outhouse now.
And be careful down there,
Abner's been kinda
sickly lately.
( screaming )
Do them boys strike you
as strange, Ewalt ?
Hmm.
I think I see
what you mean.
( laughing )
This is awful.
But at least we know
it can't get any worse.
( creaking )
Bossy !
( unzipping and dripping )
Younguns is a great gift,
ain't they, Ewalt ?
Ewalt, it's 4:00,
time for the daily...
tornado !
Tornado !
Tornado, tornado !
Must seek shelter !
Shelter ?
Shelter ?
What's shelter ?
What's shelter ?
( clicking )
( hooting and howling )
It's okay, Ren,
the tornady is gone now.
Gone, all gone ?
The farmers, the chickens,
gone forever.
We're alone now,
the only survivors.
Everyone in the whole world
swept away by
the horrible winds.
Now we're all alone
in a desolate,
ruined world.
( weeping )
Do you
hear me ?
Alone, alone, alone !
( creaking )
Stimpy,
we're not alone !
Someone up there likes us !
( unzipping and dripping )
( Stimpy )
Bossy !
This is the world-famous
museum of natural history,
home to the skeletal remains
of the mightiest creatures
that ever walked
the face of the earth...
( chattering )
...The great beasts known
as dinosaurs.
Wow, Ren,
look how big it is !
Yeah, come on,
I'll race you to the top !
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
no, Ren, stop !
We could get
in trouble.
Whee, yahoo, whee !
Hold it, girlie,
that ain't no divin' board.
Now get down from there,
you're scarin' the nuns.
Chiggers !
You wait right there,
I'll be down in a jiffy.
Wohp !
( crashing )
Wow !
( laughing )
Now look what
I made you do.
You made a mess of
old johnny here.
Yeek !
Yeek !
Eek !
Eek ! Eek !
Krag-nabbit,
now you did scare the nuns.
( shattering )
Mmm.
So, you boys like
dinosaurs, do ya ?
Uh-huh.
Uh-Huh.
Well, then, you came
to the right place.
Wilbur H. Cobb,
dinosaur guide, at your service.
And this is the largest
of all dinosaurs,
the Stimpy-Saurus.
The stupidest creature
that ever lived.
Wow !
Wow !
Hey, you told me you were
the stupidest one ever.
Hand it over.
Yes, sir, that old
Stimpy-Saurus
was a giant among giants,
an ethyl among bourbons.
Excuse me a sec.
Eh gods,
it's hot in here.
Now, now, where,
where was I ?
Oh, yeah.
Now, you can't tell the story
of the Stimpy-Saurus
without going back,
way back, back,
way, way back...
back when the earth was in
its infancy,
still in diapers.
It was a
hot world.
It was a wet world.
It was a hot,
wet world.
Now, back then, life was
just single-celled organisms,
each with their own
unique method
of stimulating reproduction.
( wheezing air )
( wheezing air )
Yes, it may seem cruel,
such is nature's way.
But as the saying goes:
if you want to make a cake,
you've gotta bust a few heads.
Yep, life was about to
venture into the unknown
and take to land.
( all )
Ooh-Ahh.
That's when
the slimy sea scum
took its first steps
out of the water.
( shrieking )
Thus started
the quest for air,
the quest for a grownup
little guppy to stand up.
Up to that point, life had been
an evolutionary crapshoot.
But by sheer happenstance,
and against all odds,
a miracle occurred:
a lowly Stimpy-fish
bravely took to land.
This was the single
most important
evolutionary
event to date.
( laughing )
What a dope !
But old pappy nature
is a persistent cuss,
and wasn't about to
give up that easy !
Well, what do you know,
he made it !
( honking )
Fossil records show
that this specimen
was an evolutionary dead end.
Oh, I tell ya,
it would have hurt a lot less
to jump in that tar pit,
instead of gettin'
hit by a bus,
I'll tell ya that.
Willikers.
Ah, that's
a load of crap.
There weren't buses
in those days.
Crap ?!
Were you there,
huh, were ya ?
Corn-fed young punk,
you young
wipe-It-offs.
No buses, huh ?
What do you
call that ?
Now, where was I ?
Oh, yeah.
In time, nature flourished.
The world was soon rich with
fauna and flora of all types.
Life was good...
life was hard.
( screaming )
Life was a
constant battle.
( booming thunder )
And in this battle,
one beast reigned supreme.
( laughing )
One beast,
the Stimpy-Saurus.
His roar sent echoes of fear
throughout the land.
Happy, happy,
duh, joy, joy.
This creature actually
had a hand
in nurturing
the rise of man.
It was in the treeassic period.
So named because
the Stimpy-Saurus
evolved the habit of
living in trees.
This behavior
proved beneficial
to early man in many ways.
It provided them shelter
from the storm.
( crackling thunder )
And, it gave them fire.
Yes, friend to mankind,
always nice to his mother,
never wrote a bad check.
This majestic
mountain of might
ruled over all he surveyed.
But alas,
this creature, too,
fell victim to the insidious
tar pits.
And that's all she wrote.
Shame really,
a heck of a nice guy.
Wife name Mildred,
sturdy woman...
uh, well, then,
how did the other
dinosaurs become extinct ?
Now, that's a very good
question, punky.
There are many theories
about how that came to pass.
Some say it was the coming
of the ice age.
Others say
it was a comet...
( booming explosion )
...That killed the dinosaurs.
While some others claim
they ran out of food.
But I'll let you in
on a little secret.
Just between you, me,
and the chiggers,
I know what really
killed the dinosaurs.
Tv !
Too much
dad-Blamed Tv !
Turned 'em into a Lotta,
into a bunch of
slackjawed zombies.
Then they all drank out
of a dirty dog dish--
disgusting habit.
Oh, no, no, sorry.
It was, uh, 'cause they all
moved to jersey.
Yeah, that's it.
Haircuts, they all
got bad haircuts.
No, they thought
they were superman,
and jumped off
a building.
Ran around with
scissors in their hands.
And then poked their eyes out
with grapefruit spoons.
Athletes foot.
No, hemorrhoids,
really bad hemorrhoids.
Oh, oh, I know,
they sneezed, coughed,
and belched at the same time
and all exploded.
( sneezing, farting, belching )
( booming explosion )
Wah.
It'll all be
over soon, pal.
Well, it was a
Peruvian bus flood.
Yeah, yeah.
And they all had to
eat each other to survive.
Yeah, that's what
happened, yeah.
Super-heated gases
shrunk their lungs
to the size of raisins,
and the kid on
the top bunk died.
( man )
Hold it.
Don't listen to
this guy, kids.
( laughing )
He ain't nothin' but a lowly
bone polisher around here.
Back to polishin',
Cobb.
No, no.
No, it was me,
I killed the dinosaurs !
( cackling )
Me, I did it !
With my bare hands !
The mighty
Cobb-O-Saurus.
I ran 'em over with
my truck !
( laughing )
Gee, what a
funny man, Ren !
And he was so smart too.
Feh, who needs to hear from
him when you have me,
a perfect specimen of
evolutionary progress.
Now, come on, Stimpy,
I'm hungry.
Let's go get a taco.
( mooing )
( neighing horse )
Is the younguns done with
they chores yet, Ewalt ?
Do we have
younguns, Abner ?
( mooing )
Duh, sure we do !
How's about
little Effie sue ?
Hmm.
Nope, she done got
ate up by the pigs.
( neighing jackass )
Uh, what about
abwalt and eebner ?
Nope, they got ate up
by the thresher.
( chuckling )
Oh, yeah.
Uh, gooey Cletus
and cheesy Mae ?
No, we hung them yesterday.
( laughing )
Yeah !
( snorting )
Hey, who we gonna get
to do the chores now ?
( dinging )
I got it, let's us buy
some new younguns.
Yeah, we can order 'em out
in this here comical book.
Can you read
a comical book ?
Not a word !
Me neither !
( idiotic cackling )
Hey, Ewalt, look-ee
what come in the mail.
Uh, De-Hy, De-Hy-dra,
De-Hy-dra...
uh... tobaccy !
Here, Ewalt,
have a gnaw !
( chewing )
This here is some
right fine gnaw, Abner.
Time to spit.
( hawking )
Mama, papa !
Congratulations !
You needn't suffer from
unproductive loins any longer,
for it is we who are
your children.
Well, when do we eat ?
Gawd, Abner,
them's the ugliest younguns
ever I did see.
Haw-haw-haw-haw, nothin'
a few trips to
the thresher won't fix.
Now, you younguns quit
your lollygaggin'
and get to
doin' your chores.
You misunderstand,
we're here
for the kid stuff.
You know, you take us
to a movie,
buy us candy, like that.
Chores, indeed.
Why don't you boys
mosey over to the henhouse
and get us some eggs.
A-ha !
( chicken )
Hey, it's that dad-blasted
easter bunny again !
Yeah, pinchin' our eggs
and takin' all the credit.
Easter bunny ?
( chuckling )
I see, you're confusing me,
'cause I've got long ears, I--
cotton-tailed rodent !
Political stooge !
Jelly beaner !
Better start hoppin' down
that bunny trail, rat !
Now see here, ladies,
I came here to get eggs,
and get eggs I will.
( cocking )
Taste hot yolk,
rabbit !
( firing )
( laughing )
Look at him run !
( clucking )
Ahem.
Boo hoo hoo hoo,
buck buck buck.
Oh, woe is me.
I am a chicken
without an Egg.
Oh, what will
I do ?
Buck buck buck.
Uh, pardon me, could you
help a fellow chicken
who is down
on his luck ?
Oh, the poor thing !
How sad !
Oh, we simply
must do something.
Of course
we'll help.
Oh, boy !
( rumbling )
( laughing )
( clucking )
Ah, my little pheasant.
Why must we kid ourselves
any longer ?
Dash it all.
I love you !
Oh, no thanks.
( gulping )
And, of course,
since we chickens
have no teeth with which
to chew our food,
you'll need to swallow
this nice heaping handful
of gravel to
break it up.
Allow me.
( rustling )
( honking )
( giggling )
Howdy, Ren,
whatcha doin' ?
Chewing !
Oh, boy, Stimpy !
Finally,
we get to eat !
Come and get it !
Cow pot pies
and prairie oysters.
Y'all dig in.
Hold it,
for shame !
Look at your teeth.
They're all
white and pearly.
Don't you know that teeth are
a source of disease ?
What if the neighbors saw ?
But don't you
boys fret none.
I'll have them pesky buggers
out in no time !
Hey, you can't use that
instrument on them younguns.
( hawking )
It weren't sterile !
Oh, yeah.
Ha ha ha,
yeah, yeah.
( screaming )
Well, Ewalt,
now you can finish
that necklace you started.
Well, we've slopped the pigs,
what do we do next ?
Why don't y'all go on over
to the barn and milk bossy,
and change the horse's litter.
Litter !
Dibs !
"Go milk bossy."
Oh, well, at least
cows are harmless.
Oh, miss bossy, ma'am,
may I have some of your...
milk ?
( thumping beating )
Hey, Stimpy,
I think the gorilla
wants you to milk her.
Sure, Ren,
we'll trade jobs.
Thanks.
( creaking )
Ooh.
Hey, Ren, I like my job,
how 'bout you ?
( gargling )
No, sir,
I don't like it.
( chattering )
Stimpy,
can you feel it ?
They're here, all around us,
watching, burning holes
in me with their eyes.
Shh !
Easy, Ren,
you're talkin' crazy talk.
Me crazy,
what about them ?
First they're pigs.
Next thing you know,
they'll probably dress up
like scarecrows.
Howdy !
You boys better get over
and clean that outhouse now.
And be careful down there,
Abner's been kinda
sickly lately.
( screaming )
Do them boys strike you
as strange, Ewalt ?
Hmm.
I think I see
what you mean.
( laughing )
This is awful.
But at least we know
it can't get any worse.
( creaking )
Bossy !
( unzipping and dripping )
Younguns is a great gift,
ain't they, Ewalt ?
Ewalt, it's 4:00,
time for the daily...
tornado !
Tornado !
Tornado, tornado !
Must seek shelter !
Shelter ?
Shelter ?
What's shelter ?
What's shelter ?
( clicking )
( hooting and howling )
It's okay, Ren,
the tornady is gone now.
Gone, all gone ?
The farmers, the chickens,
gone forever.
We're alone now,
the only survivors.
Everyone in the whole world
swept away by
the horrible winds.
Now we're all alone
in a desolate,
ruined world.
( weeping )
Do you
hear me ?
Alone, alone, alone !
( creaking )
Stimpy,
we're not alone !
Someone up there likes us !
( unzipping and dripping )
( Stimpy )
Bossy !