The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 4, Episode 1 - Hermit Ren - full transcript
Stimpy's stupidity becomes too much for Ren and he leaves home to become a hermit. All alone, Ren begins to go crazy because he misses his true friend.
( accordion playing )
♪ Someone's dying, my lor-ed ♪
♪ kumbaya ♪
( accordion playing fast )
♪ Someone's dying, my lor-ed ♪
♪ kumbaya ♪
♪ oh, lor-ed, kumbaya ♪
( horn honks )
♪ Someone's a-dyin',
my lor-ed ♪
( crash )
Why don't you look where
you're going, you fool ?
( dog growls )
Hey, lady, get
that dog off my lawn !
( dog cries )
( panting )
♪ Someone's la la la ♪
♪ jambalaya ♪
( humming )
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ la la la ♪
ohh...
♪ la la la ♪
Ren, you're home.
Did you have
a nice day at work ?
Your dinner's
in the oven.
I'll get it myself.
( shuffling footsteps )
Aah !
( screaming )
Hurry it up, man.
Uh, I'm coming, Ren.
Hmm ?
Waah !
You stay away from me.
I just want to be alone !
( door closes )
That's what I need.
Is a good shave.
Where's my razor ?
Here, Ren.
( scratch )
Aah !
Why, you--
( accordion sounds )
Aah, aah, aah, aah,
aah, aah, aah, aah !
( ringing )
Daa...
no !
I can't take anymore.
I've had it with you.
You and the whole world.
I'm going
where I can be alone
once and for all !
And I'm never
coming back !
( footsteps
and accordion sounds )
Now, to be a professional
hermit, Mr. Hoek,
you'll need your
very own private cave.
Wow.
Now, remember
the hermit union rules:
no sunlight,
no bathing,
and absolutely
no friends !
Hey, absolutely no problem
with that, chief.
Now if you don't mind,
I'll be checking in.
See ya never again.
Ha ha, enjoy.
Loser.
Ah, alone at last.
No more annoyances.
Just peace and solitude.
But best of all,
no Stimpy !
( echo )
Stimpy !
Yep, doesn't get
any better than this.
Just a little rearrangement
of the furniture,
and huh ?
A mummified bug man.
Wow, someone to talk to
who can't talk back.
Whoops.
Heh heh.
Well, buddy, now
that I'm finally alone,
I'm gonna do all the things
I've always wanted to do,
like writing that novel.
Clip my toenails.
Build a gelding gym
and then I'm gonna
scrape my uvula,
listen to my
urethra franklin records,
fix the Buick...
daaa.
I wonder when ren's
coming home.
He's gonna miss his dinner.
Daaa...
ahh...
I shall go find some food.
Hold the fort while I'm gone.
( splat )
( foghorn blows )
Man, that coffee works.
( moo )
Ahh !
What do you think
you're doing ?
I'm a man, not a cow !
Old man farmer Hoek.
Oh, father, I'm starving.
What should I do ?
Don't be a darn
weakling, boy.
We hoeks are made
of sterner stuff.
Why, the chihuahua is
a natural born scavenger.
He is ?
Look around you, man.
There's a wealth
of sustenance before you.
Spore, lichen,
and fungi to eat.
Entire herds of fleas,
ticks, and chiggers
to raise and ranch.
Why, you could
live like a king !
( chimpanzee screech )
Well, son, gotta go.
Kid never had any sense.
( sigh )
( babbling )
Oof !
Man, gotta lay off
the Chile con carne.
Need... some...
real... company !
Huh ?
Oh, at last.
A real friend.
What a bunch
of mush.
That's right.
You heard me.
What are you playing
with dirt for ?
I just wanted some company.
But you're your own
best company.
Me ?
That's right, you.
And your feelings.
Behold !
Anger,
fear,
and ignorance.
Daah.
Wow !
Company !
Let's have a party.
Hey, how about
a game of blackjack ?
I hate games.
Call 911.
Duh, I want a pretzel.
Come on, guys,
we'll have fun.
I hate fun.
Is this gonna hurt ?
Duh, go fish.
Guys...
hey, you're
trying to cheat.
Yeah, your whole life's
a cheat.
He's the cheat.
Did somebody say cheese ?
( all three speak at once )
Stop !
Who are you ?
You're not my friends.
You're just here
to trick me.
So you can
steal all my stuff.
Well, I'm on to ya.
Stay back.
One false move,
and the mummy gets it !
I know all about your plot.
Y-y-you're all in it
together...
each and every one of you.
Sleeping in my crappy bed...
eating all my sand.
Well, here's something
you can really have !
Hi-ya !
( stone moves )
Oh, no, the hermit
union leader !
All right,
this is a bust !
You !
You've broken the cardinal
rule of hermitude !
Companionship.
And what's with all these
imaginary friends ?
You violated the law
tenfold !
You are officially kicked
out of the hermit union !
( Taps plays )
Giddyup, horsy.
Giddyup.
Ren !
You're back !
So, I turn my back
for 10 years,
and you find yourself
another chihuahua.
Ahem.
But, Ren.
Oh, heh heh, sure.
Well, it's great
to be back, buddy !
Hello, folks.
Welcome to another episode
of untamed world.
As you recall
on last week's show,
Ren was ripped to bits
by a pack of bloodthirsty
Peruvian boot weasels.
So I'll be your host today.
Join me, won't you,
as we embark on another
exotic adventure
of the far-flung corners
of the world.
Today, we'll venture deep into
the stinking urban jungles
of the southern U.S.
Here, the laws of time
and gravity work together
in a symphony of De-evolution,
reshaping the physical
and behavioral attributes
of the creature we seek.
Yes, the creature
I'm speaking of
is the rare and elusive
wily tree geezer.
We better proceed with caution
as we must venture
into forbidden territory.
When geezer spotting,
one should always have this
handy dandy field manual.
It's filled with all kinds
of important information
on how to spot and identify
various species.
( gasp )
Could that be a pair
of tree geezers now ?
Nope, it's just a couple
of blue-crested biddies.
So I says to her,
I says, squawk squawk !
Don't be such a schlub.
I know what you mean.
She should
meet my Irving.
The only true way
to spot a specie
is to identify their traits.
Take the Grey tufted
old fogey, for instance,
noted for his curious
hacking call.
( hacking )
( wheeze )
Or the grizzled curmudgeon,
known for his sour temper.
And one of nature's
most peculiar partnerships.
The bandy-legged codger,
whose chief activity
is complaining
about the government,
plays host to the near-extinct
doddering old fool.
So I snatched that
silly powdered wig
off of Jefferson's head,
and said, "take off
them sissy satin drawers
"and them shiny
square box dumb shoes,
and start acting like a man,
for gosh sake."
J. Edgar Hoover.
If I shaved
that man's back once,
I shaved it a thousand times,
and he kept falling
off them high heels
when he'd go to a--
give a ball.
How the heck
do you chase criminals
in a tight gown,
for gosh sake ?
And all them cronies of his
all dancin' together.
I said to this guy
I was dancing with...
waah, what luck !
It's him !
Quite possibly
the last of his kind.
The wily tree geezer.
And it looks
as if he's preying
on some
unsuspecting mush.
Growl, snarl.
( growling )
Ruff ruff.
Aah !
Oh, no, those gums
are razor sharp.
Well, that's all the time
we have for today.
Join us next week,
when we'll be learning
the gentle art
of taxidermy.
♪ Someone's dying, my lor-ed ♪
♪ kumbaya ♪
( accordion playing fast )
♪ Someone's dying, my lor-ed ♪
♪ kumbaya ♪
♪ oh, lor-ed, kumbaya ♪
( horn honks )
♪ Someone's a-dyin',
my lor-ed ♪
( crash )
Why don't you look where
you're going, you fool ?
( dog growls )
Hey, lady, get
that dog off my lawn !
( dog cries )
( panting )
♪ Someone's la la la ♪
♪ jambalaya ♪
( humming )
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ la la la ♪
ohh...
♪ la la la ♪
Ren, you're home.
Did you have
a nice day at work ?
Your dinner's
in the oven.
I'll get it myself.
( shuffling footsteps )
Aah !
( screaming )
Hurry it up, man.
Uh, I'm coming, Ren.
Hmm ?
Waah !
You stay away from me.
I just want to be alone !
( door closes )
That's what I need.
Is a good shave.
Where's my razor ?
Here, Ren.
( scratch )
Aah !
Why, you--
( accordion sounds )
Aah, aah, aah, aah,
aah, aah, aah, aah !
( ringing )
Daa...
no !
I can't take anymore.
I've had it with you.
You and the whole world.
I'm going
where I can be alone
once and for all !
And I'm never
coming back !
( footsteps
and accordion sounds )
Now, to be a professional
hermit, Mr. Hoek,
you'll need your
very own private cave.
Wow.
Now, remember
the hermit union rules:
no sunlight,
no bathing,
and absolutely
no friends !
Hey, absolutely no problem
with that, chief.
Now if you don't mind,
I'll be checking in.
See ya never again.
Ha ha, enjoy.
Loser.
Ah, alone at last.
No more annoyances.
Just peace and solitude.
But best of all,
no Stimpy !
( echo )
Stimpy !
Yep, doesn't get
any better than this.
Just a little rearrangement
of the furniture,
and huh ?
A mummified bug man.
Wow, someone to talk to
who can't talk back.
Whoops.
Heh heh.
Well, buddy, now
that I'm finally alone,
I'm gonna do all the things
I've always wanted to do,
like writing that novel.
Clip my toenails.
Build a gelding gym
and then I'm gonna
scrape my uvula,
listen to my
urethra franklin records,
fix the Buick...
daaa.
I wonder when ren's
coming home.
He's gonna miss his dinner.
Daaa...
ahh...
I shall go find some food.
Hold the fort while I'm gone.
( splat )
( foghorn blows )
Man, that coffee works.
( moo )
Ahh !
What do you think
you're doing ?
I'm a man, not a cow !
Old man farmer Hoek.
Oh, father, I'm starving.
What should I do ?
Don't be a darn
weakling, boy.
We hoeks are made
of sterner stuff.
Why, the chihuahua is
a natural born scavenger.
He is ?
Look around you, man.
There's a wealth
of sustenance before you.
Spore, lichen,
and fungi to eat.
Entire herds of fleas,
ticks, and chiggers
to raise and ranch.
Why, you could
live like a king !
( chimpanzee screech )
Well, son, gotta go.
Kid never had any sense.
( sigh )
( babbling )
Oof !
Man, gotta lay off
the Chile con carne.
Need... some...
real... company !
Huh ?
Oh, at last.
A real friend.
What a bunch
of mush.
That's right.
You heard me.
What are you playing
with dirt for ?
I just wanted some company.
But you're your own
best company.
Me ?
That's right, you.
And your feelings.
Behold !
Anger,
fear,
and ignorance.
Daah.
Wow !
Company !
Let's have a party.
Hey, how about
a game of blackjack ?
I hate games.
Call 911.
Duh, I want a pretzel.
Come on, guys,
we'll have fun.
I hate fun.
Is this gonna hurt ?
Duh, go fish.
Guys...
hey, you're
trying to cheat.
Yeah, your whole life's
a cheat.
He's the cheat.
Did somebody say cheese ?
( all three speak at once )
Stop !
Who are you ?
You're not my friends.
You're just here
to trick me.
So you can
steal all my stuff.
Well, I'm on to ya.
Stay back.
One false move,
and the mummy gets it !
I know all about your plot.
Y-y-you're all in it
together...
each and every one of you.
Sleeping in my crappy bed...
eating all my sand.
Well, here's something
you can really have !
Hi-ya !
( stone moves )
Oh, no, the hermit
union leader !
All right,
this is a bust !
You !
You've broken the cardinal
rule of hermitude !
Companionship.
And what's with all these
imaginary friends ?
You violated the law
tenfold !
You are officially kicked
out of the hermit union !
( Taps plays )
Giddyup, horsy.
Giddyup.
Ren !
You're back !
So, I turn my back
for 10 years,
and you find yourself
another chihuahua.
Ahem.
But, Ren.
Oh, heh heh, sure.
Well, it's great
to be back, buddy !
Hello, folks.
Welcome to another episode
of untamed world.
As you recall
on last week's show,
Ren was ripped to bits
by a pack of bloodthirsty
Peruvian boot weasels.
So I'll be your host today.
Join me, won't you,
as we embark on another
exotic adventure
of the far-flung corners
of the world.
Today, we'll venture deep into
the stinking urban jungles
of the southern U.S.
Here, the laws of time
and gravity work together
in a symphony of De-evolution,
reshaping the physical
and behavioral attributes
of the creature we seek.
Yes, the creature
I'm speaking of
is the rare and elusive
wily tree geezer.
We better proceed with caution
as we must venture
into forbidden territory.
When geezer spotting,
one should always have this
handy dandy field manual.
It's filled with all kinds
of important information
on how to spot and identify
various species.
( gasp )
Could that be a pair
of tree geezers now ?
Nope, it's just a couple
of blue-crested biddies.
So I says to her,
I says, squawk squawk !
Don't be such a schlub.
I know what you mean.
She should
meet my Irving.
The only true way
to spot a specie
is to identify their traits.
Take the Grey tufted
old fogey, for instance,
noted for his curious
hacking call.
( hacking )
( wheeze )
Or the grizzled curmudgeon,
known for his sour temper.
And one of nature's
most peculiar partnerships.
The bandy-legged codger,
whose chief activity
is complaining
about the government,
plays host to the near-extinct
doddering old fool.
So I snatched that
silly powdered wig
off of Jefferson's head,
and said, "take off
them sissy satin drawers
"and them shiny
square box dumb shoes,
and start acting like a man,
for gosh sake."
J. Edgar Hoover.
If I shaved
that man's back once,
I shaved it a thousand times,
and he kept falling
off them high heels
when he'd go to a--
give a ball.
How the heck
do you chase criminals
in a tight gown,
for gosh sake ?
And all them cronies of his
all dancin' together.
I said to this guy
I was dancing with...
waah, what luck !
It's him !
Quite possibly
the last of his kind.
The wily tree geezer.
And it looks
as if he's preying
on some
unsuspecting mush.
Growl, snarl.
( growling )
Ruff ruff.
Aah !
Oh, no, those gums
are razor sharp.
Well, that's all the time
we have for today.
Join us next week,
when we'll be learning
the gentle art
of taxidermy.