The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 3, Episode 10 - Eat My Cookies/Ren's Bitter Half - full transcript
Desperate to join the Barrette Beret Girls, Ren and Stimpy have to prove themselves to the burly babes. When Ren gets hold of Stimpy's cloning liquid, he splits into 2 Rens.
My dream
has finally come true.
Boot camp.
Say, now this isn't bad.
A dry bunk,
and all the creamed
chipped beef we can eat.
Stimpy,
this is the good life.
( zip )
We-he-hell,
looky here, ladies.
We got us a couple
of new recruits.
Cadet Stimpson J. Cat
reporting for duty, sir.
Okay, okay,
cut the crap.
When do we have chow ?
I'm starved.
Looks like we got us
a couple of live ones here.
( fart )
Yep, we's gonna get
real close and buddy-like.
Just like one
big happy family.
But first, you gotta
pass a few tests.
Tests ?
Ya gotta
earn some badges !
Badges ?
Lots of merit badges !
Then maybe, just maybe !
You'll be one of us.
So you think
you ladies got the gall
to earn your first badge ?
Are you tough enough
to sell...
barrette beret girl cookies ?
Oh, Ren,
it's beautiful.
Every spring, barrette
beret girls worldwide
haunt store fronts
and parking lots
to sell their
honey charges.
And as a reward,
you get
'til midnight to sell
all them cookies,
or pay the penalties !
Oh, boy, Ren !
Ahhg !
Why do the new girls always
get the worst territory ?
We'll never sell
any cookies way out here.
( ringing )
Ren, I'm hungry.
I gotta have some food.
Here, eat some of your
stinky old cookies.
Oh, no, Ren.
A barrette beret girl
must never taste
of her own cookies.
I, Stimpson J. Cat,
promise that-- ugh.
( snoring )
( car approaching )
Aah !
Aah !
Cookies, huh ?
Okay, gimme a box.
Here's 5 bucks.
No, wait, Ren.
Remember, we ate
all the cook--
shut up.
Heh heh heh.
What are we going to do ?
We can't sell empty boxes.
This is your fault,
you stupid, fat sow.
Here, big boy, gnaw on this.
Wait, Ren, we can fill
the boxes with cactuses.
They're delicious.
I'll take all you got.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, yeah, goodbye.
Man, who would have
ever thought
that being a woman
would be so profitable ?
Okay, try and beat this:
four cowboys.
Read 'em and weep.
Oh, darn,
all I got is
four aces.
Oh, shoot, me, too.
Did you have fun playing
with the other girls ?
Yeah, sure,
I had fistloads of fun,
being swindled out of
all our cookie money !
Gone, all gone.
( ding )
I know, Ren.
We can have lots of fun
earning merit badges.
Give me
that stupid book.
She's right, ya know.
And I know the funnest
badge of them all,
but it ain't gonna be easy.
It's a rare barrette cadet
that can earn this badge.
Ya must go alone
into the woods.
It's the snipe hunting badge.
Golly !
Snipe hunting.
Snap out of it, man.
Don't you see
what their game is,
you big dope ?
There's no such
thing as snipes.
It's a practical
joke.
It's okay, we'll
go huntin' without ya.
Eh, it's a pity, though.
It's an awful
pretty badge.
Boy, you must think
we're really stupid.
A guy'd have
to be brain dead
to fall for
that old chestnut.
I want that snipe badge !
I want that snipe badge !
Hey, wait up.
Heh heh heh heh.
( reveille blows )
Just as I thought.
No Stimpy.
Badges, snipes, phooey.
I've had it.
Doggone
barrette berets, bah.
Cookies, schmookies.
Hey, Ren,
I caught one, I caught one.
Ren ?
What are you
talking about ?
What did you catch ?
Why, a snipe, of course.
Eh, there's no such thing.
They made it up.
Rowl !
( scuffling )
Hey, way to go.
I knew you could
do it, knucklehead.
Yeah,
a job well done.
Psst, down here.
I got something for ya.
It's the special
berrette beret handbook.
"How to earn extra easy
merit badges."
Hey, this is my ticket
to easy street.
Hmm, let's see.
There's drowning.
Collecting badger eggs.
( crunch )
Aah !
So, you want
my eggs, eh ?
Well, be my guest !
And finally,
the "bravery in the face
of certain doom" badge.
Ta Da.
Grrr !
Grrr !
Aah, eeh, aah !
Stop, whoa, aah !
So you earned all
the badges in the book.
Hah, now you earned the right
to learn all the barrette
beret girls' secrets.
Oh, well, when in Rome.
( laughter )
( narrator )
It's midnight.
A lone scientist
works into the night.
A seeker of truth toying
with the very stuff of life:
rubber bands,
colored water,
and Sterno.
Harmless when apart,
but when combined
in the proper proportions
can create...
a monster !
Eureka !
All right, what the heck
is going on here ?
I'm a genetic engineer, Ren,
and I've been toying with
the very fabric of life.
Check it out.
I've got thrice
the heinie now.
And I did it all with
my new genetic recipe:
the xb49
gene splicing formula.
Stimpy, I'm thrilled that
you've made some soda pop,
but may I ask
one little question ?
Hmm ?
Where's my dadgum dinner ?
Don't you know
it's already 12:00 ?
Ren,
be careful with that.
Oh, you want I should be
careful with this stuff, huh ?
Well, what if I did this ?
Ha ha ha ha ha !
Ren !
No !
( pop )
Huh ?
( pop )
What the--
Ren !
Ren !
Hey, I don't need
three butts.
Okay, easy.
I'm all...
right !
What's happening ?
Stimpy-y-y !
( explosion )
Ye gods !
Ren's been split into
his two opposite halves:
his evil side--
ha ha ha ha !
And his indifferent side.
Eh, so what ?
( ding )
Oh, joy, now I have
two best friends.
( actor on television )
He wants to destroy the ship.
He wants you to think
he's the governor.
Aah !
Ren, wouldn't you like
to stop hitting Ren
and watch the cartoon ?
Oh.
Ren, wouldn't you like Ren
to stop hitting you ?
Eh, who cares ?
What's the matter, mean Ren ?
Are you tired
of watching cartoons ?
Hey look he's
bringing the Tv closer.
( knocking )
Yes ?
Hello, would you like
to buy my cookies ?
Hmm.
( burp )
No.
( evil laughter )
Ren.
Oh, evil Ren.
I'm taking apathy Ren
for a walk.
Do you want to come ?
Well, I guess it's just
you and me, kid.
Big deal.
( evil laughter )
We're back from our walk.
And didn't we have fun.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it looks
like somebody's been
quite the busy little beaver.
Oh, evil Ren.
Oh, there you are.
What's this stuff ?
What are you--
my favorite record.
Oh, going for a swim.
Oh, hi, stinky.
Hey, Ren, it melted.
Mousy !
Careful, Ren.
Mousy, mousy.
Mousy !
Mousy.
( sobbing )
( whistling )
No !
No, Ren, no !
No, no, no !
Yes, yes, yes.
No !
( plunk )
My-- my first material
was that...
that's not my Ren.
Not my Ren.
N-not...
not my Ren.
Not my--
Ren ?
( evil laughter )
What's he doing ?
Say, that looks
like xb49.
Aah !
Ren !
Ren !
Listen to me, Ren.
It doesn't have
to be like this.
Can't you see ?
Without your indifferent side,
you're losing control.
You and deadpan Ren
need each other.
You're two sides
of the same whole.
You his yin,
and he your... tang.
Without him,
you're only half a man !
Can half a man live ?
Let me help
put you back together.
I'll make it better.
I promise.
Oh, maybe you're right.
I've seen a part of myself
no man should ever see.
But you know what ?
I like it !
No.
But what if there were
two evil rens ?
Or 10 of them ?
Or millions of them ?
My god, he'd be an entire army.
We'd be up to our necks in Ren.
Who knows where it would end ?
Complete and utter carnage !
The world would be doomed !
( explosion )
Oh, no, he split again
now he's evil Ren
and hideously evil--
Ren ?
( foghorn blows )
( creaking )
( horn honks )
Wow, what a tomato.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered today
( speaking Latin )
Do you, Ren, take Ren
to be your lawfully
wedded spouse ?
I do.
I do.
I know pronounce you
man and clone.
You may beat the bride.
Gosh, Ren, isn't it
just beautiful ?
Who cares ?
has finally come true.
Boot camp.
Say, now this isn't bad.
A dry bunk,
and all the creamed
chipped beef we can eat.
Stimpy,
this is the good life.
( zip )
We-he-hell,
looky here, ladies.
We got us a couple
of new recruits.
Cadet Stimpson J. Cat
reporting for duty, sir.
Okay, okay,
cut the crap.
When do we have chow ?
I'm starved.
Looks like we got us
a couple of live ones here.
( fart )
Yep, we's gonna get
real close and buddy-like.
Just like one
big happy family.
But first, you gotta
pass a few tests.
Tests ?
Ya gotta
earn some badges !
Badges ?
Lots of merit badges !
Then maybe, just maybe !
You'll be one of us.
So you think
you ladies got the gall
to earn your first badge ?
Are you tough enough
to sell...
barrette beret girl cookies ?
Oh, Ren,
it's beautiful.
Every spring, barrette
beret girls worldwide
haunt store fronts
and parking lots
to sell their
honey charges.
And as a reward,
you get
'til midnight to sell
all them cookies,
or pay the penalties !
Oh, boy, Ren !
Ahhg !
Why do the new girls always
get the worst territory ?
We'll never sell
any cookies way out here.
( ringing )
Ren, I'm hungry.
I gotta have some food.
Here, eat some of your
stinky old cookies.
Oh, no, Ren.
A barrette beret girl
must never taste
of her own cookies.
I, Stimpson J. Cat,
promise that-- ugh.
( snoring )
( car approaching )
Aah !
Aah !
Cookies, huh ?
Okay, gimme a box.
Here's 5 bucks.
No, wait, Ren.
Remember, we ate
all the cook--
shut up.
Heh heh heh.
What are we going to do ?
We can't sell empty boxes.
This is your fault,
you stupid, fat sow.
Here, big boy, gnaw on this.
Wait, Ren, we can fill
the boxes with cactuses.
They're delicious.
I'll take all you got.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, yeah, goodbye.
Man, who would have
ever thought
that being a woman
would be so profitable ?
Okay, try and beat this:
four cowboys.
Read 'em and weep.
Oh, darn,
all I got is
four aces.
Oh, shoot, me, too.
Did you have fun playing
with the other girls ?
Yeah, sure,
I had fistloads of fun,
being swindled out of
all our cookie money !
Gone, all gone.
( ding )
I know, Ren.
We can have lots of fun
earning merit badges.
Give me
that stupid book.
She's right, ya know.
And I know the funnest
badge of them all,
but it ain't gonna be easy.
It's a rare barrette cadet
that can earn this badge.
Ya must go alone
into the woods.
It's the snipe hunting badge.
Golly !
Snipe hunting.
Snap out of it, man.
Don't you see
what their game is,
you big dope ?
There's no such
thing as snipes.
It's a practical
joke.
It's okay, we'll
go huntin' without ya.
Eh, it's a pity, though.
It's an awful
pretty badge.
Boy, you must think
we're really stupid.
A guy'd have
to be brain dead
to fall for
that old chestnut.
I want that snipe badge !
I want that snipe badge !
Hey, wait up.
Heh heh heh heh.
( reveille blows )
Just as I thought.
No Stimpy.
Badges, snipes, phooey.
I've had it.
Doggone
barrette berets, bah.
Cookies, schmookies.
Hey, Ren,
I caught one, I caught one.
Ren ?
What are you
talking about ?
What did you catch ?
Why, a snipe, of course.
Eh, there's no such thing.
They made it up.
Rowl !
( scuffling )
Hey, way to go.
I knew you could
do it, knucklehead.
Yeah,
a job well done.
Psst, down here.
I got something for ya.
It's the special
berrette beret handbook.
"How to earn extra easy
merit badges."
Hey, this is my ticket
to easy street.
Hmm, let's see.
There's drowning.
Collecting badger eggs.
( crunch )
Aah !
So, you want
my eggs, eh ?
Well, be my guest !
And finally,
the "bravery in the face
of certain doom" badge.
Ta Da.
Grrr !
Grrr !
Aah, eeh, aah !
Stop, whoa, aah !
So you earned all
the badges in the book.
Hah, now you earned the right
to learn all the barrette
beret girls' secrets.
Oh, well, when in Rome.
( laughter )
( narrator )
It's midnight.
A lone scientist
works into the night.
A seeker of truth toying
with the very stuff of life:
rubber bands,
colored water,
and Sterno.
Harmless when apart,
but when combined
in the proper proportions
can create...
a monster !
Eureka !
All right, what the heck
is going on here ?
I'm a genetic engineer, Ren,
and I've been toying with
the very fabric of life.
Check it out.
I've got thrice
the heinie now.
And I did it all with
my new genetic recipe:
the xb49
gene splicing formula.
Stimpy, I'm thrilled that
you've made some soda pop,
but may I ask
one little question ?
Hmm ?
Where's my dadgum dinner ?
Don't you know
it's already 12:00 ?
Ren,
be careful with that.
Oh, you want I should be
careful with this stuff, huh ?
Well, what if I did this ?
Ha ha ha ha ha !
Ren !
No !
( pop )
Huh ?
( pop )
What the--
Ren !
Ren !
Hey, I don't need
three butts.
Okay, easy.
I'm all...
right !
What's happening ?
Stimpy-y-y !
( explosion )
Ye gods !
Ren's been split into
his two opposite halves:
his evil side--
ha ha ha ha !
And his indifferent side.
Eh, so what ?
( ding )
Oh, joy, now I have
two best friends.
( actor on television )
He wants to destroy the ship.
He wants you to think
he's the governor.
Aah !
Ren, wouldn't you like
to stop hitting Ren
and watch the cartoon ?
Oh.
Ren, wouldn't you like Ren
to stop hitting you ?
Eh, who cares ?
What's the matter, mean Ren ?
Are you tired
of watching cartoons ?
Hey look he's
bringing the Tv closer.
( knocking )
Yes ?
Hello, would you like
to buy my cookies ?
Hmm.
( burp )
No.
( evil laughter )
Ren.
Oh, evil Ren.
I'm taking apathy Ren
for a walk.
Do you want to come ?
Well, I guess it's just
you and me, kid.
Big deal.
( evil laughter )
We're back from our walk.
And didn't we have fun.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it looks
like somebody's been
quite the busy little beaver.
Oh, evil Ren.
Oh, there you are.
What's this stuff ?
What are you--
my favorite record.
Oh, going for a swim.
Oh, hi, stinky.
Hey, Ren, it melted.
Mousy !
Careful, Ren.
Mousy, mousy.
Mousy !
Mousy.
( sobbing )
( whistling )
No !
No, Ren, no !
No, no, no !
Yes, yes, yes.
No !
( plunk )
My-- my first material
was that...
that's not my Ren.
Not my Ren.
N-not...
not my Ren.
Not my--
Ren ?
( evil laughter )
What's he doing ?
Say, that looks
like xb49.
Aah !
Ren !
Ren !
Listen to me, Ren.
It doesn't have
to be like this.
Can't you see ?
Without your indifferent side,
you're losing control.
You and deadpan Ren
need each other.
You're two sides
of the same whole.
You his yin,
and he your... tang.
Without him,
you're only half a man !
Can half a man live ?
Let me help
put you back together.
I'll make it better.
I promise.
Oh, maybe you're right.
I've seen a part of myself
no man should ever see.
But you know what ?
I like it !
No.
But what if there were
two evil rens ?
Or 10 of them ?
Or millions of them ?
My god, he'd be an entire army.
We'd be up to our necks in Ren.
Who knows where it would end ?
Complete and utter carnage !
The world would be doomed !
( explosion )
Oh, no, he split again
now he's evil Ren
and hideously evil--
Ren ?
( foghorn blows )
( creaking )
( horn honks )
Wow, what a tomato.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered today
( speaking Latin )
Do you, Ren, take Ren
to be your lawfully
wedded spouse ?
I do.
I do.
I know pronounce you
man and clone.
You may beat the bride.
Gosh, Ren, isn't it
just beautiful ?
Who cares ?