The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 3, Episode 9 - Hard Times for Haggis - full transcript
TV star Haggis MacHaggis (voiced by Alan Young) is kicked out of his mansion and thrown out onto the streets after Ren and Stimpy's cartoon show becomes more popular than his. Just as he plans to end it all, Haggis enlists in the help of two thugs-for-hire who help him sabotage Ren and Stimpy's show.
( narrator )
This is the story about a man.
Not just any man, but a
giant among lesser men.
His home, a monument
to his greatness,
an enormous,
sprawling testimony
to his countless
achievements.
Big, isn't it ?
Surrounded by the vast
splendor he has attained,
he sits alone, waiting.
See how
he waits.
( ticking clock )
Waiting to sup of
the wine of his toils.
Shh, listen.
( rattling alarm )
( narrator on Tv )
And now, boys and girls,
it's time for "The Scotsman."
Starring
Haggis MacHaggis.
That's me.
Created by
Haggis MacHaggis.
Me, me.
Written, directed, produced,
arranged, and composed by
Haggis MacHaggis !
That's me,
me, me !
And here's Haggis in this
week's episode:
"The Scotsman
Beats His Dog."
( cheering )
( applause )
( laughing )
Whack !
And now, some scenes
from next week's episode,
"The Scotsman Beats
His Lawyer."
( laughing )
Oh, I'm such a card.
Duh, I'm ready to serve
your tea now, Mr. Haggis.
Who's the funniest cartoon
on Tv, huh ?
Duh, Rodney
and boowinkey ?
We interrupt this program
to inform you:
the "Scotsman Show"
is hereby canceled forever !
We now bring you the all new
Ren and Stimpy show.
What ?
( grumbling )
Tonight we explore
the phenomenon of Ren and Sti--
( narrator on television )
Okay, space fans, it's
Commander Hoek and Cadet Sti--
You know, folks,
nothing beats the closeness of
new raspberry flavored
Foamex shave cream--
no !
Lies, deceit,
blasphemy !
It cannot be true !
You dusty crooks,
taste the wrath
of me
magic shillelagh.
( booming explosion )
( huffing )
I'll not stand for it,
I tell you.
They'll rule the day
they crossed haggis MacHAGGIS,
the king of cartoons.
( maniacal laughter )
You can run,
but you cannot hide !
I'm comin' for you !
Welcome to your
new home, boys !
I'm sure you boys
will enjoy it here.
Especially after
the foul stench of that
filthy little sheepherder
who lived here is gone.
Why, you Norman dog,
you rat-faced ninny !
I'll rip your brisket out !
( nonsensical shouting )
Hey, Ren, he reminds
me of you.
Oop.
What ?
You're still here ?
( sizzling )
Why, you--
( mumbling )
Just a little
leftover housecleaning.
Come here, you !
Unhand me, you
hairy-Backed bull weasel.
I'll tear your
eyes out !
I'll rip your
epiglottis out !
I'll, I'll, I'll--
yes, yes.
Excuse me, Mr. Haggis,
but wouldn't you be
more comfortable,
say, out in the street !
You don't know who you're
messin' with !
I'm a highly paid
television celebrity.
I won't stand for it !
Oh, ho-ho,
don't make me cry.
The blood's on your hands,
you no-account bank robbers !
I'll, I'll, I'll rip
your faces off.
( bawling )
Now you've
gone and done it.
You made me cry !
Nay, get a hold of
yourself, haggis !
Are you not a man ?
Are you not
wearin' a dress ?
I've got to think
of a solution.
I've got it !
My trillions of loyalist fans
will come to my rescue !
I'll wander off into town
and scoop up
a whole batch of 'em.
You'll not be hearin'
the last of me.
I shall return !
The no-good
filthy Welshman !
( grumbling )
I'll show 'em
the back of me hand.
( laughing )
Look at that !
( cackling )
Oh, this is
killin' me !
Look, me loyal fans !
They're watchin'
me show !
Stop !
They're crooks,
I'm tellin' ya.
Hey, don't look
at that !
Stop !
No !
( all )
Beat it, shrimp,
you're blockin' our view !
( screeching tires )
( gasps )
( shrieks )
( grumbles )
( yells )
Hey, mister,
look what I got !
Oh, yeah ?
I'll show you what we
Scots do with panties.
( ripping )
Hey, dad, help !
So, a circus
midget, eh ?
I've been lookin' forward
to this for a long time.
Take this and this !
Oh, how do
you like that ?
Want one of these ?
( laughing )
Oh, here's one,
and here's your change !
( chuckling )
( growling )
Ahh, ahh,
me belly.
I've not
eaten in weeks.
Ahem.
Come on,
let's have it.
Cough it up.
Ahh...
( gagging )
That's better.
( clunking )
Let me in there,
I want some !
( chirping crickets )
You know, Stimpy,
this is the good life,
a warm snifter of
root beer,
a nice, big,
comfy chair,
and my favorite
book of Chaucer.
Yeah, Ren,
it's great !
Parry.
En guard-ay !
Thrust !
( laughing )
Too-chay, Cabernet.
Abon-danza !
Yvette mimieux !
Stimpleton, be a good lad
and pass the salt.
Duh, okay, Ren.
( clanking and shattering )
Hurry it up, man !
Duh, here's
the salt, Ren.
It's about time, dimwit.
You flat-footed
idiot !
You worm !
You stupid dog !
You fat throwback !
( booming thunder )
Here, hold on, lad !
Wacky, me faithful little
old doggie boy !
( laughing )
No !
( panting )
( honking car horn )
( screeching tires )
Why don't you look where
you're going, you lousy bum.
That's it, that's all.
I'll just
end it all.
( maniacal laughter )
Hoot, me' shoes.
I'll be missing ya,
me little toe teddies.
( squeaking )
( mooing )
Huh ?
( dinging cash register )
Aye !
Ha, I'll have me
revenge at last !
( laughing )
They'll be
sorry !
( roaring engine )
( maniacal laughter )
It's your turn
to do the cryin',
ya weasely rat buggers !
Oh, Mr. Stimpy, can I
have your autograph ?
Certainly.
Wharf !
Oh, boy !
Thanks,
Mr. Stimpy !
( crashing )
Well, hurry up, I'm getting
shampoo in my eyes.
Hey, sister,
easy with that--
huh ?
( crashing and banging )
( laughing )
Now I'll show ya
some real entertainment.
And now, laddies
and gentlewomen,
it's time for
"the Ben & stumpy show."
You idiot,
I will hurt you.
Duh, barf.
Argh !
You are fat.
Now that's acting.
( dinging )
( chuckling )
You're finished,
finished !
( cheering and applause )
Wow, you guys are
fantastic !
Here's a contract.
Here's a
million bucks.
Here's an Emmy !
( laughing )
Huh, what are you
doing here ?
I fired your butt !
Now beat it,
you losers.
( chirping )
What the ?
What the ?
( crying )
Don't make
me cry.
( weeping )
Say, dad, can we have
a man-to-man talk ?
Sort of Mano y Mano ?
That's why I'm
standing here, son.
Well, I want to pop
the question to muffy Joe,
and gosh, I--
hold it, I know what
you're going to ask.
You want to know
how to break the ice,
so to speak.
Take it from me, son,
nothing puts a woman
into a romantic mood
better than a premium magnum
of fresh cloudy dog water.
( announcer )
Yes, dog water.
Bottled in the swish alps,
is made from only the finest
purebred dog saliva.
Now let's peek in and see
if dad's advice is working
for our bashful bridegroom.
Uh, sweetheart, I, um,
got something to ask you.
Yes, darling ?
Ahem, uh, um,
would you marry me ?
Well, I--
ahem.
Votre l'eau De chien--
pardon,
your dog water, sir.
Huh ?
( laughing )
Good timing, waiter.
So, honey,
what do you say ?
I say yes to dog water.
( glug glug glug )
Woof woof woof.
Arf arf arf.
Bark bark.
Bow wow wow.
( laughing )
Yes, dog water.
Whether it's getting together
with old friends,
or making new ones,
the sporting life,
or just having fun,
don't settle for just
any ordinary dog fluid.
Always demand the best.
Dog water,
and new dog water lite.
This is the story about a man.
Not just any man, but a
giant among lesser men.
His home, a monument
to his greatness,
an enormous,
sprawling testimony
to his countless
achievements.
Big, isn't it ?
Surrounded by the vast
splendor he has attained,
he sits alone, waiting.
See how
he waits.
( ticking clock )
Waiting to sup of
the wine of his toils.
Shh, listen.
( rattling alarm )
( narrator on Tv )
And now, boys and girls,
it's time for "The Scotsman."
Starring
Haggis MacHaggis.
That's me.
Created by
Haggis MacHaggis.
Me, me.
Written, directed, produced,
arranged, and composed by
Haggis MacHaggis !
That's me,
me, me !
And here's Haggis in this
week's episode:
"The Scotsman
Beats His Dog."
( cheering )
( applause )
( laughing )
Whack !
And now, some scenes
from next week's episode,
"The Scotsman Beats
His Lawyer."
( laughing )
Oh, I'm such a card.
Duh, I'm ready to serve
your tea now, Mr. Haggis.
Who's the funniest cartoon
on Tv, huh ?
Duh, Rodney
and boowinkey ?
We interrupt this program
to inform you:
the "Scotsman Show"
is hereby canceled forever !
We now bring you the all new
Ren and Stimpy show.
What ?
( grumbling )
Tonight we explore
the phenomenon of Ren and Sti--
( narrator on television )
Okay, space fans, it's
Commander Hoek and Cadet Sti--
You know, folks,
nothing beats the closeness of
new raspberry flavored
Foamex shave cream--
no !
Lies, deceit,
blasphemy !
It cannot be true !
You dusty crooks,
taste the wrath
of me
magic shillelagh.
( booming explosion )
( huffing )
I'll not stand for it,
I tell you.
They'll rule the day
they crossed haggis MacHAGGIS,
the king of cartoons.
( maniacal laughter )
You can run,
but you cannot hide !
I'm comin' for you !
Welcome to your
new home, boys !
I'm sure you boys
will enjoy it here.
Especially after
the foul stench of that
filthy little sheepherder
who lived here is gone.
Why, you Norman dog,
you rat-faced ninny !
I'll rip your brisket out !
( nonsensical shouting )
Hey, Ren, he reminds
me of you.
Oop.
What ?
You're still here ?
( sizzling )
Why, you--
( mumbling )
Just a little
leftover housecleaning.
Come here, you !
Unhand me, you
hairy-Backed bull weasel.
I'll tear your
eyes out !
I'll rip your
epiglottis out !
I'll, I'll, I'll--
yes, yes.
Excuse me, Mr. Haggis,
but wouldn't you be
more comfortable,
say, out in the street !
You don't know who you're
messin' with !
I'm a highly paid
television celebrity.
I won't stand for it !
Oh, ho-ho,
don't make me cry.
The blood's on your hands,
you no-account bank robbers !
I'll, I'll, I'll rip
your faces off.
( bawling )
Now you've
gone and done it.
You made me cry !
Nay, get a hold of
yourself, haggis !
Are you not a man ?
Are you not
wearin' a dress ?
I've got to think
of a solution.
I've got it !
My trillions of loyalist fans
will come to my rescue !
I'll wander off into town
and scoop up
a whole batch of 'em.
You'll not be hearin'
the last of me.
I shall return !
The no-good
filthy Welshman !
( grumbling )
I'll show 'em
the back of me hand.
( laughing )
Look at that !
( cackling )
Oh, this is
killin' me !
Look, me loyal fans !
They're watchin'
me show !
Stop !
They're crooks,
I'm tellin' ya.
Hey, don't look
at that !
Stop !
No !
( all )
Beat it, shrimp,
you're blockin' our view !
( screeching tires )
( gasps )
( shrieks )
( grumbles )
( yells )
Hey, mister,
look what I got !
Oh, yeah ?
I'll show you what we
Scots do with panties.
( ripping )
Hey, dad, help !
So, a circus
midget, eh ?
I've been lookin' forward
to this for a long time.
Take this and this !
Oh, how do
you like that ?
Want one of these ?
( laughing )
Oh, here's one,
and here's your change !
( chuckling )
( growling )
Ahh, ahh,
me belly.
I've not
eaten in weeks.
Ahem.
Come on,
let's have it.
Cough it up.
Ahh...
( gagging )
That's better.
( clunking )
Let me in there,
I want some !
( chirping crickets )
You know, Stimpy,
this is the good life,
a warm snifter of
root beer,
a nice, big,
comfy chair,
and my favorite
book of Chaucer.
Yeah, Ren,
it's great !
Parry.
En guard-ay !
Thrust !
( laughing )
Too-chay, Cabernet.
Abon-danza !
Yvette mimieux !
Stimpleton, be a good lad
and pass the salt.
Duh, okay, Ren.
( clanking and shattering )
Hurry it up, man !
Duh, here's
the salt, Ren.
It's about time, dimwit.
You flat-footed
idiot !
You worm !
You stupid dog !
You fat throwback !
( booming thunder )
Here, hold on, lad !
Wacky, me faithful little
old doggie boy !
( laughing )
No !
( panting )
( honking car horn )
( screeching tires )
Why don't you look where
you're going, you lousy bum.
That's it, that's all.
I'll just
end it all.
( maniacal laughter )
Hoot, me' shoes.
I'll be missing ya,
me little toe teddies.
( squeaking )
( mooing )
Huh ?
( dinging cash register )
Aye !
Ha, I'll have me
revenge at last !
( laughing )
They'll be
sorry !
( roaring engine )
( maniacal laughter )
It's your turn
to do the cryin',
ya weasely rat buggers !
Oh, Mr. Stimpy, can I
have your autograph ?
Certainly.
Wharf !
Oh, boy !
Thanks,
Mr. Stimpy !
( crashing )
Well, hurry up, I'm getting
shampoo in my eyes.
Hey, sister,
easy with that--
huh ?
( crashing and banging )
( laughing )
Now I'll show ya
some real entertainment.
And now, laddies
and gentlewomen,
it's time for
"the Ben & stumpy show."
You idiot,
I will hurt you.
Duh, barf.
Argh !
You are fat.
Now that's acting.
( dinging )
( chuckling )
You're finished,
finished !
( cheering and applause )
Wow, you guys are
fantastic !
Here's a contract.
Here's a
million bucks.
Here's an Emmy !
( laughing )
Huh, what are you
doing here ?
I fired your butt !
Now beat it,
you losers.
( chirping )
What the ?
What the ?
( crying )
Don't make
me cry.
( weeping )
Say, dad, can we have
a man-to-man talk ?
Sort of Mano y Mano ?
That's why I'm
standing here, son.
Well, I want to pop
the question to muffy Joe,
and gosh, I--
hold it, I know what
you're going to ask.
You want to know
how to break the ice,
so to speak.
Take it from me, son,
nothing puts a woman
into a romantic mood
better than a premium magnum
of fresh cloudy dog water.
( announcer )
Yes, dog water.
Bottled in the swish alps,
is made from only the finest
purebred dog saliva.
Now let's peek in and see
if dad's advice is working
for our bashful bridegroom.
Uh, sweetheart, I, um,
got something to ask you.
Yes, darling ?
Ahem, uh, um,
would you marry me ?
Well, I--
ahem.
Votre l'eau De chien--
pardon,
your dog water, sir.
Huh ?
( laughing )
Good timing, waiter.
So, honey,
what do you say ?
I say yes to dog water.
( glug glug glug )
Woof woof woof.
Arf arf arf.
Bark bark.
Bow wow wow.
( laughing )
Yes, dog water.
Whether it's getting together
with old friends,
or making new ones,
the sporting life,
or just having fun,
don't settle for just
any ordinary dog fluid.
Always demand the best.
Dog water,
and new dog water lite.