The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 3, Episode 5 - Lair of the Lummox - full transcript
In this wildlife documentary, Ren and his stupid assistant observe the natural behavior of the rare animal called the Lummox. Actually an obese, ignorant, dim-witted and unhygienic human, these massive land-beasts exhibit playfulness, curiosity, rage and most intriguing of all, courtship. Which of the two competing ignoramuses underpants has what it takes to win over the female of the species?
♪ La la la,
la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la,la la la ♪
♪ la la la,
la la la la la ♪
whee !
♪ La la la la ♪
uhh,
we got problems, hon.
This party's Rollin' over
like a dead water buffalo.
Aw, these old-fashioned
hors d'oeuvres
just aren't cutting it.
And my boss
is here tonight.
Well, gee, dear,
that's all the food
we have left in the house.
I don't know what else
to feed the guests.
Ha ha ha ha ha !
This situation
needs the fist !
( gasp )
Who are you ?
I got the answer
to all your party problems.
Chalky cheesefist
is the name,
and I'm the boy
with the fist of cheese !
Let your guests
bite down on this !
( snoring )
Uhh, ho hum.
Hey, would anyone
like some cheesefist ?
Mm, it's so pasty.
It leaves a film
on my tongue.
Boy, what a delicious
aftertaste.
Mm, that's the best fist
I ever ate.
My boy, you get a raise.
Hey, scrub boy,
what are we having
for lunch today, hmm ?
Uh, yeah, let's eat.
Ha ha ha ha !
Yeah, maybe
if we like it,
we'll
let you live.
Ha ha ha ha !
Well, g-gosh, mook,
I got
what I always have:
a lint-covered
life saver,
gristle on a string,
pickled meat cocktail--
and me !
Ha ha ha ha !
Chalky cheesefist !
Go ahead, ya mooks,
take a bite of the fist.
Now they're happy.
( announcer )
Cheesefist is so big,
there's always
enough for everyone.
( burping )
And try our new
cheesefist products,
like pimento and chive fist.
For you folks on the go,
cheesefist on a rope.
And finally,
bucket o' cheesefist,
for when just one fist
isn't enough.
So next time you're
at your grocer's dairy case,
tell your mom I got your
cheesefist right here !
Ha ha ha, kids love
to bite onto it.
Once they get
their teeth into it,
they never let go.
Cheesefist.
It's fistorific.
Welcome to another edition
of untamed world.
Now, before we start
today's show,
let me show you something
completely hideous
and repulsive
from our last expedition.
But I digress.
Let's take a look
at the subject of today's
exciting episode,
with the aid of
my assistant Stimpy.
Surely, one of the rarest
and least understood
of nature's creatures
is the shy, noble,
and indignant lummox.
Part of the oaf family,
the lummox has
many characteristics
unique to his own species.
Note the beetling eyebrows,
the small cranial capacity,
which is important,
because this creature
does not carry its brain
in his own head.
Let us move over to his ear.
Note the thick tufts of hair.
These bristles
have to be strong enough
to support heaping wads
of shaving cream.
Like his distant cousin,
the kitchen lout,
the lummox has a dense
shadow of beard stubble,
which he uses as bait
to attract bits of Egg salad
and cheese puff dust.
Nature has provided this animal
with a luxurious pelt.
These unkempt curls
help to conserve
his wealth of body odors.
Although these hairs
cover the entire creature,
they eventually converge
at the lummox' capital:
the arm pit.
Here we find a distinctive
crust of dried armpit foam.
Sadly, this foam
is prized by hunters,
and many a lummox
has been denuded
of this important
survival tool.
In recent years,
the population
of lummoxes has dwindled.
Once, when the world
was young and Slavic,
vast herds of these beasts
roamed freely
across the continents.
Today, we must travel
to darkest ignoramia,
the last refuge
of this fabulous creature.
( Ren )
For months we searched,
with no clue of this noble
creature's existence.
But we refused to give up.
We know we will eventually
meet up with one.
On and on we trek.
An expert tracker,
Stimpy searches for clues
that are invisible to
the untrained sinus cavity.
( rawk )
Finally, he detects something:
the creature's droppings.
We must be careful
not to let our excitement
betray our presence.
If there's a lummox nearby,
we dare not alarm him.
We wish to study him
undisturbed
in his natural environment.
As we stalk the trail,
a warm stench
fills our nostrils.
Can this be
what we're searching for ?
Our hearts palpitate
with anticipation.
At last, our efforts
are rewarded.
Ehh...
and what a magnificent
specimen he is.
A freckled redneck,
or booger red, if you will.
The moment overwhelms us.
Photographs and textbooks
could not possibly prepare us
for such sheer majesty,
such beauty incarnate.
This creature is surely
the most perfect creation
on god's green earth.
( sobbing )
But we're scientists.
We mustn't let our pitiful
human emotions overwhelm us.
It is our duty to encroach
on the habitat of this beast.
We must be very careful
not to make a sound.
( twig snaps )
Ehh !
Now we've done it.
( grunt )
The creature is suspicious.
Grrr...
hmm...
we must now try
to gain his trust
by mimicking his behavior.
Ahh...
momentarily satisfied,
the lummox goes
about his business.
( grunting )
And we do likewise.
Ah !
( rip )
For the moment,
he seems friendly enough
to show us
more intimate behavior.
( groaning )
Now here is an act of lummoxry
he wouldn't share
with just anyone.
He has to really like you.
Ahh.
Ugh.
I'm afraid my skills
aren't up to this.
This calls for an expert.
Stimpy goes to it likes he's
been there before,
and of course, he has.
( crowd cheers )
The lummox is impressed.
Mmm.
Ahh...
he is now confident enough
to sit down
and enjoy a hot meal.
Ah, a tasty pork chop.
Ahh...
an excellent grooming device.
( purring )
Mmm...
there's nothing
more satisfying to a lummox
than a belly
full of mashed potatoes.
Ooh...
ahh...
ha ha ha ha.
Ahh...
hooey !
Huh ?
And now for dessert.
For you.
A dripping plate
of fresh giblets.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm a vegetarian.
Huh ?
( grunting )
( gasp )
There's nothing a lummox
hates more than a vegetarian.
I think fast, and try
an emergency tactic.
Quick, drink
this bucket of lard !
Swallow, you fool.
Swallow !
( gulping )
Huh ?
Cousins.
The ruse works.
The lummox impales us
to his breast.
Ha ha ha ha ha !
Ahh...
we have been accepted
into the lummox herd.
So confident
is our lummox friend
that he now invites us
inside his lair.
Never before have humans seen
the actual inside
of the lummox' home.
What kinds of activities
will we be privileged
to witness ?
We now engage in bull
lummox bonding rituals.
( belching )
It is now morning,
and we return to the lummox'
stomping grounds.
My assistant Stimpy
will demonstrate
the mating call
of the adult male lummox,
with the aid of
a hot corned beef sandwich.
( razzberry )
Huh ?
Ah, a new lummox.
A fine example
of the rare tree lummox.
And a mighty specimen he is.
( grunting )
The adult male lummox signals
that he is ready to participate
in the mating ritual
by marking his territory.
Mm-hmm.
And now we must wait.
Huh ?
Uh-oh, an unexpected
complication has arisen
in the form of rival lummox:
our friend, the booger red.
( purring )
This is indeed
a rare opportunity.
Our kidneys quiver
in anticipation
at this unexpected event.
The suspense
is almost unbearable
as we await the arrival
of the beautiful lummox cow.
Whew.
She's more than we ever
could have hoped for.
Ahh...
( Stimpy )
Yeah, a lot more.
Hmm ?
Hmm...
( Ren )
As with human females,
selecting a mate
is a delicate process.
Hmm.
A close inspection
is in order.
Not just any buck will do.
Mm-mm.
( gasp )
Huh ?
Carefully, instinctively,
she selects her favorite.
Ah.
Ahh.
And now the chosen male
signals its acceptance
with a series
of hearty head pats.
He then begins
the courting ritual
with a display
of his mechanical prowess.
Not unlike the noble peacock,
the timber lummox displays
his majestic plumage.
Realizing his defeat,
the booger red lummox
becomes enraged.
( growling )
But before nuptial bliss
can be had,
the rejected bull
issues a challenge.
Uh-oh, it looks like
there's gonna be trouble.
We nature show
hosts love
to watch animals
beat on each other.
First, the big brutes
size each other up.
The tree lummox begins rippling
his ample abdominal meat
in a magnificent display
of slovenliness.
Huh ?
The challenger
is not impressed.
Watch while we witness
one of the marvels
of the untamed world.
In our excitement,
we almost forgot
to record this spectacular
chain of events.
( belch )
And so the belching portion
of the competition begins.
( belching )
A b c d e f G.
The challenger ups the stakes
with a much more complex burp.
( belching )
Godzilla.
A complete word.
This could be it
for our challenger.
If he can't top that last one,
he's a goner.
A hush falls over the glade.
Hmm...
he's ready.
( belching )
Four score and seven years ago,
our forefathers brought
upon this continent
a new nation
conceived in liberty
and dedicated
to the proposition
that all men are created equal.
And so the defeated stag
slinks off the field of battle
like the filthy weakling he is.
Aww...
whee !
Ha ha ha ha !
( grunting )
( fart )
And now, nature
takes its course.
The female comes
to claim her champion.
And yet another pair is mated
in the untamed world.
The lummox' method
of showing affection
may seem odd
to us humans,
but it is just
another proof
that love is the
universal language.
( razzberry )
la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la,la la la ♪
♪ la la la,
la la la la la ♪
whee !
♪ La la la la ♪
uhh,
we got problems, hon.
This party's Rollin' over
like a dead water buffalo.
Aw, these old-fashioned
hors d'oeuvres
just aren't cutting it.
And my boss
is here tonight.
Well, gee, dear,
that's all the food
we have left in the house.
I don't know what else
to feed the guests.
Ha ha ha ha ha !
This situation
needs the fist !
( gasp )
Who are you ?
I got the answer
to all your party problems.
Chalky cheesefist
is the name,
and I'm the boy
with the fist of cheese !
Let your guests
bite down on this !
( snoring )
Uhh, ho hum.
Hey, would anyone
like some cheesefist ?
Mm, it's so pasty.
It leaves a film
on my tongue.
Boy, what a delicious
aftertaste.
Mm, that's the best fist
I ever ate.
My boy, you get a raise.
Hey, scrub boy,
what are we having
for lunch today, hmm ?
Uh, yeah, let's eat.
Ha ha ha ha !
Yeah, maybe
if we like it,
we'll
let you live.
Ha ha ha ha !
Well, g-gosh, mook,
I got
what I always have:
a lint-covered
life saver,
gristle on a string,
pickled meat cocktail--
and me !
Ha ha ha ha !
Chalky cheesefist !
Go ahead, ya mooks,
take a bite of the fist.
Now they're happy.
( announcer )
Cheesefist is so big,
there's always
enough for everyone.
( burping )
And try our new
cheesefist products,
like pimento and chive fist.
For you folks on the go,
cheesefist on a rope.
And finally,
bucket o' cheesefist,
for when just one fist
isn't enough.
So next time you're
at your grocer's dairy case,
tell your mom I got your
cheesefist right here !
Ha ha ha, kids love
to bite onto it.
Once they get
their teeth into it,
they never let go.
Cheesefist.
It's fistorific.
Welcome to another edition
of untamed world.
Now, before we start
today's show,
let me show you something
completely hideous
and repulsive
from our last expedition.
But I digress.
Let's take a look
at the subject of today's
exciting episode,
with the aid of
my assistant Stimpy.
Surely, one of the rarest
and least understood
of nature's creatures
is the shy, noble,
and indignant lummox.
Part of the oaf family,
the lummox has
many characteristics
unique to his own species.
Note the beetling eyebrows,
the small cranial capacity,
which is important,
because this creature
does not carry its brain
in his own head.
Let us move over to his ear.
Note the thick tufts of hair.
These bristles
have to be strong enough
to support heaping wads
of shaving cream.
Like his distant cousin,
the kitchen lout,
the lummox has a dense
shadow of beard stubble,
which he uses as bait
to attract bits of Egg salad
and cheese puff dust.
Nature has provided this animal
with a luxurious pelt.
These unkempt curls
help to conserve
his wealth of body odors.
Although these hairs
cover the entire creature,
they eventually converge
at the lummox' capital:
the arm pit.
Here we find a distinctive
crust of dried armpit foam.
Sadly, this foam
is prized by hunters,
and many a lummox
has been denuded
of this important
survival tool.
In recent years,
the population
of lummoxes has dwindled.
Once, when the world
was young and Slavic,
vast herds of these beasts
roamed freely
across the continents.
Today, we must travel
to darkest ignoramia,
the last refuge
of this fabulous creature.
( Ren )
For months we searched,
with no clue of this noble
creature's existence.
But we refused to give up.
We know we will eventually
meet up with one.
On and on we trek.
An expert tracker,
Stimpy searches for clues
that are invisible to
the untrained sinus cavity.
( rawk )
Finally, he detects something:
the creature's droppings.
We must be careful
not to let our excitement
betray our presence.
If there's a lummox nearby,
we dare not alarm him.
We wish to study him
undisturbed
in his natural environment.
As we stalk the trail,
a warm stench
fills our nostrils.
Can this be
what we're searching for ?
Our hearts palpitate
with anticipation.
At last, our efforts
are rewarded.
Ehh...
and what a magnificent
specimen he is.
A freckled redneck,
or booger red, if you will.
The moment overwhelms us.
Photographs and textbooks
could not possibly prepare us
for such sheer majesty,
such beauty incarnate.
This creature is surely
the most perfect creation
on god's green earth.
( sobbing )
But we're scientists.
We mustn't let our pitiful
human emotions overwhelm us.
It is our duty to encroach
on the habitat of this beast.
We must be very careful
not to make a sound.
( twig snaps )
Ehh !
Now we've done it.
( grunt )
The creature is suspicious.
Grrr...
hmm...
we must now try
to gain his trust
by mimicking his behavior.
Ahh...
momentarily satisfied,
the lummox goes
about his business.
( grunting )
And we do likewise.
Ah !
( rip )
For the moment,
he seems friendly enough
to show us
more intimate behavior.
( groaning )
Now here is an act of lummoxry
he wouldn't share
with just anyone.
He has to really like you.
Ahh.
Ugh.
I'm afraid my skills
aren't up to this.
This calls for an expert.
Stimpy goes to it likes he's
been there before,
and of course, he has.
( crowd cheers )
The lummox is impressed.
Mmm.
Ahh...
he is now confident enough
to sit down
and enjoy a hot meal.
Ah, a tasty pork chop.
Ahh...
an excellent grooming device.
( purring )
Mmm...
there's nothing
more satisfying to a lummox
than a belly
full of mashed potatoes.
Ooh...
ahh...
ha ha ha ha.
Ahh...
hooey !
Huh ?
And now for dessert.
For you.
A dripping plate
of fresh giblets.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm a vegetarian.
Huh ?
( grunting )
( gasp )
There's nothing a lummox
hates more than a vegetarian.
I think fast, and try
an emergency tactic.
Quick, drink
this bucket of lard !
Swallow, you fool.
Swallow !
( gulping )
Huh ?
Cousins.
The ruse works.
The lummox impales us
to his breast.
Ha ha ha ha ha !
Ahh...
we have been accepted
into the lummox herd.
So confident
is our lummox friend
that he now invites us
inside his lair.
Never before have humans seen
the actual inside
of the lummox' home.
What kinds of activities
will we be privileged
to witness ?
We now engage in bull
lummox bonding rituals.
( belching )
It is now morning,
and we return to the lummox'
stomping grounds.
My assistant Stimpy
will demonstrate
the mating call
of the adult male lummox,
with the aid of
a hot corned beef sandwich.
( razzberry )
Huh ?
Ah, a new lummox.
A fine example
of the rare tree lummox.
And a mighty specimen he is.
( grunting )
The adult male lummox signals
that he is ready to participate
in the mating ritual
by marking his territory.
Mm-hmm.
And now we must wait.
Huh ?
Uh-oh, an unexpected
complication has arisen
in the form of rival lummox:
our friend, the booger red.
( purring )
This is indeed
a rare opportunity.
Our kidneys quiver
in anticipation
at this unexpected event.
The suspense
is almost unbearable
as we await the arrival
of the beautiful lummox cow.
Whew.
She's more than we ever
could have hoped for.
Ahh...
( Stimpy )
Yeah, a lot more.
Hmm ?
Hmm...
( Ren )
As with human females,
selecting a mate
is a delicate process.
Hmm.
A close inspection
is in order.
Not just any buck will do.
Mm-mm.
( gasp )
Huh ?
Carefully, instinctively,
she selects her favorite.
Ah.
Ahh.
And now the chosen male
signals its acceptance
with a series
of hearty head pats.
He then begins
the courting ritual
with a display
of his mechanical prowess.
Not unlike the noble peacock,
the timber lummox displays
his majestic plumage.
Realizing his defeat,
the booger red lummox
becomes enraged.
( growling )
But before nuptial bliss
can be had,
the rejected bull
issues a challenge.
Uh-oh, it looks like
there's gonna be trouble.
We nature show
hosts love
to watch animals
beat on each other.
First, the big brutes
size each other up.
The tree lummox begins rippling
his ample abdominal meat
in a magnificent display
of slovenliness.
Huh ?
The challenger
is not impressed.
Watch while we witness
one of the marvels
of the untamed world.
In our excitement,
we almost forgot
to record this spectacular
chain of events.
( belch )
And so the belching portion
of the competition begins.
( belching )
A b c d e f G.
The challenger ups the stakes
with a much more complex burp.
( belching )
Godzilla.
A complete word.
This could be it
for our challenger.
If he can't top that last one,
he's a goner.
A hush falls over the glade.
Hmm...
he's ready.
( belching )
Four score and seven years ago,
our forefathers brought
upon this continent
a new nation
conceived in liberty
and dedicated
to the proposition
that all men are created equal.
And so the defeated stag
slinks off the field of battle
like the filthy weakling he is.
Aww...
whee !
Ha ha ha ha !
( grunting )
( fart )
And now, nature
takes its course.
The female comes
to claim her champion.
And yet another pair is mated
in the untamed world.
The lummox' method
of showing affection
may seem odd
to us humans,
but it is just
another proof
that love is the
universal language.
( razzberry )