The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 3, Episode 3 - Ren's Pecs/An Abe Divided - full transcript
The first half of this episode sees Ren, after a humiliating experience at the beach, electing to have some pectoral implants. Can Stimpy, his kind donor, keep up with Ren's new lifestyle? Next, the two respond to a job vacancy guarding the Lincoln memorial. Will they succeed, while under the watchful eye of a transvestite Army Officer, in finding a mythical treasure hidden inside the very statue they guard?
( women )
Ooh, ah...
don't stay out in
the sun too long, Ren.
You know you have
delicate skin.
Be quiet, you idiot !
Can't you see
I'm operating ?
( coughing )
Hey, who's kicking sand ?
Why you, I'll knock
you into next week !
You're gonna
what, skinny ?
Did you say something,
weenie boy ?
Oh, no, sir.
Yeah, that's
what I thought.
Oh, by the way,
I wasn't kicking sand.
( coughing )
Thank you, sir.
( laughing )
Come on, dolls,
let's go play perquackey.
Well, Ren, where'd
your little friends go ?
All through playing ?
Look at me, Stimpy.
What a pathetic
wimp I am.
( crying )
If only I had huge
pectoral muscles.
( sobbing )
My friend, that's
exactly what you need.
It's Charles globe !
World-famous fitness guru
and socialite gadfly.
If you had large
pectoral muscles,
no one would ever
push you around again.
But I am too feeble
to work out.
( farting )
Work out ?
( laughing )
Why, I've never worked
out a day in my life,
and look at me !
Haven't you've ever
heard of pectoplasty ?
We're living in the future,
my friend.
All you have to do
is remove fat cells
from one part
of your body
and have them implanted
into your pectoral void.
Look how it
changed me !
( screaming )
I'll always be a wimp, for I
have no fat cells to implant.
I have lots of
fat cells, Ren !
You can have
some of mine.
Your fat cells ?
Don't worry, Ren.
After all, I am a card-carrying
professional donor.
Oh, Stimpy.
You are my true friend !
( woman )
Paging Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Mmm, endoplasmic
verticulum, eh ?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm, oh, serious.
All right, Mr. Hoek.
Just relax and
breathe deeply.
Stimpy ?
Yes, Ren.
If I don't make it...
save...
save the brain.
The patient's sedated.
I'll carve.
Knife.
Knife.
( struggling )
Ooh, uh-oh.
Wow.
Clamp.
Clamp.
Oh, man !
( struggling )
Keep 'em coming.
Well, the patient's
open and receptive.
Pectoral
implant material ?
Yes, doctor.
Grade-a butt fat.
Okie doke.
( whimpering )
( groaning )
Stimpy, if I don't
get these wraps off,
I'm gonna die
of itching.
Me too.
All right, boys,
what do you say we take
these bandages off ?
Yippee !
Just relax.
This won't take long.
Don't worry, son,
you still have your wits.
Hey, doc, me next,
do me, do me !
All right, all right.
( humming )
Doc, I feel great.
Powerful.
Dangerous.
At last !
( evil laugh )
Come on you,
we're going to the beach.
( women )
Check it out,
what a hunk.
Wow...
( man )
Well, well, well.
If it isn't
the little mosquito man.
With big new muscles,
no less.
Have you come to
teach me a lesson ?
Youch !
Get him off of me,
get him off of me !
( shouting )
Well, that's that.
Mm-hmm !
( Ren )
Hey, Stimpy.
Me and the babes
are gonna take off.
Oh, so you're
leaving then.
Yeah, I guess it's time
for me to move on, old pal.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You don't need me
slowing you down now.
( crying )
Here.
A muscle shirt.
I knitted it
just for you.
It's beautiful.
Thanks, man.
You go on now, go.
Go on.
Before you
change my mind.
Get outta here, go.
Go !
( crying )
Finally...
Ren can be happy.
( laughing )
( Ren )
So there you have it.
Who would've thought that from
these sad and humble beginnings
that I was destined to become
a Hollywood legend.
First, I did
a few action pictures.
( man )
And, action.
Cut.
Print it.
I did a little modeling
work around town,
you know, beefcake stuff.
I tell ya, the media
couldn't get enough of me.
Now here I sit, wallowing in the
glory of my fame and fortune.
But I've never forgotten
that I owe it all to one person.
One friend who was there for
me when I needed him.
Yes, sir,
I owe it all to--
( male voice )
Your prune smoothie, sir.
Huh ? Oh, yeah, thanks.
Hey !
Yes, sir ?
This straw is facing
the wrong way.
Oh, sorry, sir.
Forgive me.
That's better.
Hey, you,
come back here.
Yes, sir ?
Uh, you look familiar,
you worked here long ?
No, sir.
I just started today.
Hmm, get back to work.
Yes, sir !
He's so happy.
Now, were was I ?
Oh, yeah.
The guy who made it
all possible:
Charles globe.
( screaming )
Hey, look !
"Wanted: security man
to guard president."
Big money !
( Ren )
We're here about the job
protecting the president.
Mr. Big butt ?
Sir ?
That's sergeant big butt !
So, you maggots wanna
guard the president, huh ?
Do you know what
that entails ?
Do you know what we give you
if you disgrace our country ?
You'll get towels !
Towels ?
I like towels.
Oh, you like
towels, heh ?
Good.
Atten-hut !
Present towels !
Ten-hut !
About-face !
( whipping )
Gosh, I just love
military tradition.
All right, ladies,
this is the president.
You will scrub away every
single speck of dirt
from the president,
I will demonstrate.
( gurgling )
Ah...
I gave Jefferson a good one,
right in the eye today.
( laughing )
Hey !
Take that !
Okay, you weasels,
get to work.
And don't screw up.
Frickin', frackin',
every speck of dirt.
Phooey !
And I want a bike and
a Betsy-wets-herself doll
and a cheesy-bake oven
and a pokey-the-pup doll
and a jillion army men
and a--
get down from there.
That's not Santa Claus,
it's a memorial.
A memorial ?
I didn't know
Santa Claus was dead.
( sobbing )
You are so stupid.
Am I ?
Idiot !
Don't you recognize
president Willard P. Filmore
when you see him ?
Now get back to work !
( rooster crowing )
He's so lifelike.
Isn't he nice ?
( boy )
Abraham Lincoln !
Yep, he was
a great man.
And I hear tell, there's
a treasure in his head.
Closing time !
We're closed now,
go home.
Ren, you must
be mistaken.
We're supposed to be
open for another 18 hours.
No, that was yesterday.
Goodbye,
drop in again.
Hmm, how do I get
inside that head ?
Ah !
It's a bit tight,
but I think--
I think--
I think I'm stuck.
( struggling )
Stimpy, help, I'm stuck.
See... the... president...
pick... his nose.
I've got 5¢ !
I'll have you outta
there in a jiffy, Ren.
Help !
Okay, Stimpy.
Begin !
Uh, Ren ?
Yes ?
Why are we
doing this again ?
To find out what's inside
the president's head.
Aw, heck, Ren, I know what's
inside the president's head.
You do ?
The president's head
is full of beautiful,
glorious, golden---
yes, yes ?
Caramel corn !
( giggling )
Heave !
Ho !
Heave !
Ho !
Ah, that's it.
Now grab the head,
and whatever you do,
don't drop--
whoops !
Oh, you meant
the president's head.
Boy, Ren, are you
ever gonna get in--
shut up !
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
I'm gonna be rich.
Where is that
old treasure ?
Come on.
Get out here,
you old treasure, you.
I know it's here some--
ah !
Oh, joy !
It's caramely, caramely
corny corns !
My fave !
Caramel corn ?
Caramel corn,
in the president's head.
( laughing )
Stop eating it, you fool,
and help me.
Get up there and glue that
head back together, pronto !
Okay, Ren,
all finished !
What do you think ?
Huh, huh ?
You nincompoop !
That's the wrong
president !
Do it over !
Okay, Ren,
whatever you say.
And, there !
How's that, Ren ?
Do it again !
That's it, Ren,
we broke it too many times.
Hmm, got to find
a replacement head.
Ah !
Hey, Stimpy, try
these out for size.
Why, Stimpy,
it's beautiful.
Okay, squirrel.
Hand over your nuts,
or we'll murdelize you.
( all laughing )
( sniffing )
Dinner !
Now what do we do ?
I know !
We will use a penny that
has Lincoln's face on it.
No, too small,
let's use this.
No, no, Ren,
try this.
Eh, too ugly.
How about the statue
of liberty's head ?
Yes, that's it !
That's... that's...
terrible.
I got it, Ren.
We'll use this dumpster.
Now you're starting
to use your head.
And I'll add
the face with this chalk.
There, how does it look ?
Mm, needs hair.
Thanks, guys.
I was thinking about
redecorating anyway.
( crying )
There's only one
thing left to do.
We'll have to beg the spirit
of old honest Abe for help
in our hour of need.
Don't worry, Ren,
I'm sure he'll help us.
Like heck I will.
Do you have anything to
say before I kill you ?
Umm, let me explain.
He did it.
( old man )
Yes, johnny,
a chicken in every garage,
mom's apple pie,
and rubber nipples
for everyone.
Yup, this is what
America is all about.
Ooh, ah...
don't stay out in
the sun too long, Ren.
You know you have
delicate skin.
Be quiet, you idiot !
Can't you see
I'm operating ?
( coughing )
Hey, who's kicking sand ?
Why you, I'll knock
you into next week !
You're gonna
what, skinny ?
Did you say something,
weenie boy ?
Oh, no, sir.
Yeah, that's
what I thought.
Oh, by the way,
I wasn't kicking sand.
( coughing )
Thank you, sir.
( laughing )
Come on, dolls,
let's go play perquackey.
Well, Ren, where'd
your little friends go ?
All through playing ?
Look at me, Stimpy.
What a pathetic
wimp I am.
( crying )
If only I had huge
pectoral muscles.
( sobbing )
My friend, that's
exactly what you need.
It's Charles globe !
World-famous fitness guru
and socialite gadfly.
If you had large
pectoral muscles,
no one would ever
push you around again.
But I am too feeble
to work out.
( farting )
Work out ?
( laughing )
Why, I've never worked
out a day in my life,
and look at me !
Haven't you've ever
heard of pectoplasty ?
We're living in the future,
my friend.
All you have to do
is remove fat cells
from one part
of your body
and have them implanted
into your pectoral void.
Look how it
changed me !
( screaming )
I'll always be a wimp, for I
have no fat cells to implant.
I have lots of
fat cells, Ren !
You can have
some of mine.
Your fat cells ?
Don't worry, Ren.
After all, I am a card-carrying
professional donor.
Oh, Stimpy.
You are my true friend !
( woman )
Paging Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Mmm, endoplasmic
verticulum, eh ?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm, oh, serious.
All right, Mr. Hoek.
Just relax and
breathe deeply.
Stimpy ?
Yes, Ren.
If I don't make it...
save...
save the brain.
The patient's sedated.
I'll carve.
Knife.
Knife.
( struggling )
Ooh, uh-oh.
Wow.
Clamp.
Clamp.
Oh, man !
( struggling )
Keep 'em coming.
Well, the patient's
open and receptive.
Pectoral
implant material ?
Yes, doctor.
Grade-a butt fat.
Okie doke.
( whimpering )
( groaning )
Stimpy, if I don't
get these wraps off,
I'm gonna die
of itching.
Me too.
All right, boys,
what do you say we take
these bandages off ?
Yippee !
Just relax.
This won't take long.
Don't worry, son,
you still have your wits.
Hey, doc, me next,
do me, do me !
All right, all right.
( humming )
Doc, I feel great.
Powerful.
Dangerous.
At last !
( evil laugh )
Come on you,
we're going to the beach.
( women )
Check it out,
what a hunk.
Wow...
( man )
Well, well, well.
If it isn't
the little mosquito man.
With big new muscles,
no less.
Have you come to
teach me a lesson ?
Youch !
Get him off of me,
get him off of me !
( shouting )
Well, that's that.
Mm-hmm !
( Ren )
Hey, Stimpy.
Me and the babes
are gonna take off.
Oh, so you're
leaving then.
Yeah, I guess it's time
for me to move on, old pal.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You don't need me
slowing you down now.
( crying )
Here.
A muscle shirt.
I knitted it
just for you.
It's beautiful.
Thanks, man.
You go on now, go.
Go on.
Before you
change my mind.
Get outta here, go.
Go !
( crying )
Finally...
Ren can be happy.
( laughing )
( Ren )
So there you have it.
Who would've thought that from
these sad and humble beginnings
that I was destined to become
a Hollywood legend.
First, I did
a few action pictures.
( man )
And, action.
Cut.
Print it.
I did a little modeling
work around town,
you know, beefcake stuff.
I tell ya, the media
couldn't get enough of me.
Now here I sit, wallowing in the
glory of my fame and fortune.
But I've never forgotten
that I owe it all to one person.
One friend who was there for
me when I needed him.
Yes, sir,
I owe it all to--
( male voice )
Your prune smoothie, sir.
Huh ? Oh, yeah, thanks.
Hey !
Yes, sir ?
This straw is facing
the wrong way.
Oh, sorry, sir.
Forgive me.
That's better.
Hey, you,
come back here.
Yes, sir ?
Uh, you look familiar,
you worked here long ?
No, sir.
I just started today.
Hmm, get back to work.
Yes, sir !
He's so happy.
Now, were was I ?
Oh, yeah.
The guy who made it
all possible:
Charles globe.
( screaming )
Hey, look !
"Wanted: security man
to guard president."
Big money !
( Ren )
We're here about the job
protecting the president.
Mr. Big butt ?
Sir ?
That's sergeant big butt !
So, you maggots wanna
guard the president, huh ?
Do you know what
that entails ?
Do you know what we give you
if you disgrace our country ?
You'll get towels !
Towels ?
I like towels.
Oh, you like
towels, heh ?
Good.
Atten-hut !
Present towels !
Ten-hut !
About-face !
( whipping )
Gosh, I just love
military tradition.
All right, ladies,
this is the president.
You will scrub away every
single speck of dirt
from the president,
I will demonstrate.
( gurgling )
Ah...
I gave Jefferson a good one,
right in the eye today.
( laughing )
Hey !
Take that !
Okay, you weasels,
get to work.
And don't screw up.
Frickin', frackin',
every speck of dirt.
Phooey !
And I want a bike and
a Betsy-wets-herself doll
and a cheesy-bake oven
and a pokey-the-pup doll
and a jillion army men
and a--
get down from there.
That's not Santa Claus,
it's a memorial.
A memorial ?
I didn't know
Santa Claus was dead.
( sobbing )
You are so stupid.
Am I ?
Idiot !
Don't you recognize
president Willard P. Filmore
when you see him ?
Now get back to work !
( rooster crowing )
He's so lifelike.
Isn't he nice ?
( boy )
Abraham Lincoln !
Yep, he was
a great man.
And I hear tell, there's
a treasure in his head.
Closing time !
We're closed now,
go home.
Ren, you must
be mistaken.
We're supposed to be
open for another 18 hours.
No, that was yesterday.
Goodbye,
drop in again.
Hmm, how do I get
inside that head ?
Ah !
It's a bit tight,
but I think--
I think--
I think I'm stuck.
( struggling )
Stimpy, help, I'm stuck.
See... the... president...
pick... his nose.
I've got 5¢ !
I'll have you outta
there in a jiffy, Ren.
Help !
Okay, Stimpy.
Begin !
Uh, Ren ?
Yes ?
Why are we
doing this again ?
To find out what's inside
the president's head.
Aw, heck, Ren, I know what's
inside the president's head.
You do ?
The president's head
is full of beautiful,
glorious, golden---
yes, yes ?
Caramel corn !
( giggling )
Heave !
Ho !
Heave !
Ho !
Ah, that's it.
Now grab the head,
and whatever you do,
don't drop--
whoops !
Oh, you meant
the president's head.
Boy, Ren, are you
ever gonna get in--
shut up !
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
I'm gonna be rich.
Where is that
old treasure ?
Come on.
Get out here,
you old treasure, you.
I know it's here some--
ah !
Oh, joy !
It's caramely, caramely
corny corns !
My fave !
Caramel corn ?
Caramel corn,
in the president's head.
( laughing )
Stop eating it, you fool,
and help me.
Get up there and glue that
head back together, pronto !
Okay, Ren,
all finished !
What do you think ?
Huh, huh ?
You nincompoop !
That's the wrong
president !
Do it over !
Okay, Ren,
whatever you say.
And, there !
How's that, Ren ?
Do it again !
That's it, Ren,
we broke it too many times.
Hmm, got to find
a replacement head.
Ah !
Hey, Stimpy, try
these out for size.
Why, Stimpy,
it's beautiful.
Okay, squirrel.
Hand over your nuts,
or we'll murdelize you.
( all laughing )
( sniffing )
Dinner !
Now what do we do ?
I know !
We will use a penny that
has Lincoln's face on it.
No, too small,
let's use this.
No, no, Ren,
try this.
Eh, too ugly.
How about the statue
of liberty's head ?
Yes, that's it !
That's... that's...
terrible.
I got it, Ren.
We'll use this dumpster.
Now you're starting
to use your head.
And I'll add
the face with this chalk.
There, how does it look ?
Mm, needs hair.
Thanks, guys.
I was thinking about
redecorating anyway.
( crying )
There's only one
thing left to do.
We'll have to beg the spirit
of old honest Abe for help
in our hour of need.
Don't worry, Ren,
I'm sure he'll help us.
Like heck I will.
Do you have anything to
say before I kill you ?
Umm, let me explain.
He did it.
( old man )
Yes, johnny,
a chicken in every garage,
mom's apple pie,
and rubber nipples
for everyone.
Yup, this is what
America is all about.