The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 2, Episode 8 - Monkey See, Monkey Don't/Fake Dad - full transcript
In another scheme to feed and shelter themselves for free, the pair approach a zoo keeper disguised as monkeys. Will they take on the habits of the crude, resident chimp, or is the simian lifestyle too grotesque even for Ren and Stimpy? Next, Ren acts adopts a huge, violent inmate as a son for the weekend. Can Stimpy keep Ren's short-tempered parenting style under control, or will the lumbering, childish step son (Kowalski) find a place in Ren's heart?
( animal noises )
Here, Mr. Elephant.
Stimpy, did
you see that ?
Humans come and feed
these creatures by hand.
I tell you, we could
live like kings here.
Come, Stimpson.
Let us go and seek
the proprietor
of this establishment.
Hold it.
I know what
you're gonna say.
You're gonna say how we're
the two finest examples
of monkey flesh
that you've ever seen.
Yeah !
Especially
'cause I'm a cat.
So what do you say ?
Hmm...
okie dokie, you
boys get the job.
See, Stimpy ?
You've got to know
how to talk to these--
look at us, Stimpy.
No longer are we
lowly house pets.
We've climbed
the evolutionary ladder.
We've been accepted into
the world of higher mammals.
We've evolved.
Stimpy, aren't
you ashamed ?
What if another
monkey saw that ?
Get that dad-blasted
stick out of your nose !
Okay.
Shame, shame, Stimpy.
You have to pardon
my friend here.
He's not as yet accustomed
to your sophisticated
city-monkey ways.
Okay, Stimpy.
It's time for your
evolving lessons.
Oh, rapture !
♪ I'm gonna be
a monkey ♪
♪ monkey, monkey, monkey ♪
♪ monkey, monkey, monkey ♪
♪ monkey, monkey, monkey ♪
okay, if you wanna
be a monkey,
you gotta learn to
act like a monkey.
And I've got
the know-how
'cause I've seen every
Tarzan movie ever made.
So watch and learn.
All right, Stimpy,
listen up.
Now, note the ease with
which I swing so nimbly.
Hither and yon.
Witness as I perform an
amazing double somersault
and catch myself with
my prehensile tail.
( crash )
Oh, I get the idea !
Prehensile nose.
Boy, I tell you.
Being a monkey is
harder than I thought.
Yeah, my monkey suit is all
itchy with vermin and lice.
Hey, what's a monkey
gotta do
to get some
grooming around here ?
Say, cheetah.
Be a pal and have at
these lice, will you ?
What ?
( galloping )
( squealing )
Go ahead, Ren.
Eat the nice vermin.
( crying )
I don't want to.
( screaming )
Hey, daddy !
Look at
the silly monkeys.
( laughing )
( screeching )
Chow time !
( screeching )
Come on, Stimpy,
show me what you got.
It's my... favorite !
Dusty old nutshells
and pre-chewed gum !
A rock ?
Arggh !
( giggling )
( gasping )
Okie dokie, boys.
Here's your
monkey chow.
Yah, it's every
monkey's favorite.
Braised fish heads
and rotten fruit.
That's it,
I've had enough !
( ripping )
We want a transfer !
Next time I raise
pigs, by golly.
This is a very big thing
you're doing, Mr. Hoek.
We have just
the boy for you.
He's only seven years old
and hasn't had much love.
( whimper )
But I think you're just the man
who can turn him around.
Come on, bring in
the little nipper.
Joy... ecstasy.
Okay,
bring in Kowalski.
( growling )
( man )
Kowalski is serving
a 30-year prison sentence
for crimes
against humanity.
Wow...
but we let him out on
weekend furloughs.
( growling )
( tense whimpers )
Well, go on, Kowalski,
say hi to your fake dad.
He's going to give you
the love you never had.
Go ahead, Ren,
give him your love.
( growling )
( gasp )
Daddy !
Kowalski love new daddy.
( crying )
Oh, joy, we are such
a happy family.
Let us all enjoy some
quality time together.
Oh, look, I have some
tasty icing on my spoon.
Let us share it.
Oh, no.
You should give some
to your new child.
( grunts )
He's not my child.
Daddy !
I'm not your dad.
I'm only your fake dad,
and only for this weekend.
Be nice to the product
of your loins.
My fake loins.
Woo-woo !
Arrr--
( crunch )
( slurps )
Mmm...
mmm...
mmmm....
I wish all children
could know your love.
( heavy breathing )
Read...
my favorite chair !
Hmmm.
( grunting )
Argh !
Give me that !
That's my book
you're mangling !
Why, I ought to take your
pants down and spank you !
Ren Hoek,
what are you doing ?
Shame on you.
You leave his
little pants on.
Show him some love,
you're his father.
Eee...
I'm not his dad !
Shame, shame,
double shame.
You're right,
I've been terrible.
Okay.
I'm sorry Kowalski,
but be careful.
This is my house,
and these are my things.
Hmmm.
Hmm... ahh.
Ahhh.
Hmmm.
Hmm.
( flame crackling )
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Ahhh...
what are you doing ?
You're seven years old.
Don't you know that
smoking can kill you !
Now I really
ought to spank you.
Arrr !
Why, you...
that'll teach you
not to smoke.
Mmm, whoa-ho...
( Stimpy )
What's going on
in there ?
Daddy hit baby.
Baby mad !
( boiling )
( gasp )
My favorite couch.
Ahhh... !
( gasp )
My favorite T.V.
Ahhh... !
( gasp )
My favorite friend.
Ahhh... !
Hmmm.
Okay, Kowalski,
what kind of sandwich
do you want ?
M-meat !
And what kind of
bread do you want ?
Meat !
Meat on meat, eh ?
Okay, here's your
meat-On-meat sandwich.
( grunts )
Hmmm.
Ahhh !
What's wrong now,
Kowalski ?
Toast meat !
( ding )
Here.
( hacking )
What's wrong
with you now ?
Thirsty !
Want "grink" !
What would you like to
"grink", Kowalski ?
Meat !
Get him a glass of meat,
will you, Stimpy !
( plopping )
( gulping )
Rrrr...
ohhh...
look, Ren,
baby spit up.
You're his fake dad,
you better burp him.
Okay, Kowalski,
I'll burp you.
( straining )
Okay, Kowalski,
burp for daddy.
Come on, Kowalski.
Burp, I tell you !
( panting )
Oh, come on, Kowalski,
please burp.
Do it for your old man.
Please...
( panting )
I'm telling you there's
no way he's going to burp.
Not in a million years.
Ohh...
( loud, long burp )
( burp, burp )
( growling )
All right,
that's it !
I've had all I can stand
from you, Kowalski !
Now, now, Ren--
shut up !
He's had this coming
for a long time now !!
Get up, Kowalski,
get up !
Come on !
Up, that's right !
Turn around,
turn around !
Back off, man !
All right, Kowalski,
take 'em down !
Come on,
take the pants down !
Eh ?
The pants, Kowalski,
the pants !
He he he.
It's gonna happen...
he he he--
( blubbering )
Pull 'em up.
Please,
pull 'em up.
Pull up the pants.
Hmmm.
( humming )
Well, how did you enjoy
your weekend, Kowalski ?
Daddy burp baby.
Baby love daddy.
You've done a wonderful service
to humanity, Mr. Hoek.
You've really
turned the lad around.
Okay, boys,
take him away.
Mmm...
( electric shocks )
Haa !
( more shocks )
Haa, haa !
( heavy breathing )
Mmm...
goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy,
goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy !
Eee...
goodbye, baby,
eee-Hee.
Goodbye, daddy !
Daddy, daddy...
goodbye !
( sobbing )
There, there,
it's okay.
Even daddies
can cry sometimes.
Here, Mr. Elephant.
Stimpy, did
you see that ?
Humans come and feed
these creatures by hand.
I tell you, we could
live like kings here.
Come, Stimpson.
Let us go and seek
the proprietor
of this establishment.
Hold it.
I know what
you're gonna say.
You're gonna say how we're
the two finest examples
of monkey flesh
that you've ever seen.
Yeah !
Especially
'cause I'm a cat.
So what do you say ?
Hmm...
okie dokie, you
boys get the job.
See, Stimpy ?
You've got to know
how to talk to these--
look at us, Stimpy.
No longer are we
lowly house pets.
We've climbed
the evolutionary ladder.
We've been accepted into
the world of higher mammals.
We've evolved.
Stimpy, aren't
you ashamed ?
What if another
monkey saw that ?
Get that dad-blasted
stick out of your nose !
Okay.
Shame, shame, Stimpy.
You have to pardon
my friend here.
He's not as yet accustomed
to your sophisticated
city-monkey ways.
Okay, Stimpy.
It's time for your
evolving lessons.
Oh, rapture !
♪ I'm gonna be
a monkey ♪
♪ monkey, monkey, monkey ♪
♪ monkey, monkey, monkey ♪
♪ monkey, monkey, monkey ♪
okay, if you wanna
be a monkey,
you gotta learn to
act like a monkey.
And I've got
the know-how
'cause I've seen every
Tarzan movie ever made.
So watch and learn.
All right, Stimpy,
listen up.
Now, note the ease with
which I swing so nimbly.
Hither and yon.
Witness as I perform an
amazing double somersault
and catch myself with
my prehensile tail.
( crash )
Oh, I get the idea !
Prehensile nose.
Boy, I tell you.
Being a monkey is
harder than I thought.
Yeah, my monkey suit is all
itchy with vermin and lice.
Hey, what's a monkey
gotta do
to get some
grooming around here ?
Say, cheetah.
Be a pal and have at
these lice, will you ?
What ?
( galloping )
( squealing )
Go ahead, Ren.
Eat the nice vermin.
( crying )
I don't want to.
( screaming )
Hey, daddy !
Look at
the silly monkeys.
( laughing )
( screeching )
Chow time !
( screeching )
Come on, Stimpy,
show me what you got.
It's my... favorite !
Dusty old nutshells
and pre-chewed gum !
A rock ?
Arggh !
( giggling )
( gasping )
Okie dokie, boys.
Here's your
monkey chow.
Yah, it's every
monkey's favorite.
Braised fish heads
and rotten fruit.
That's it,
I've had enough !
( ripping )
We want a transfer !
Next time I raise
pigs, by golly.
This is a very big thing
you're doing, Mr. Hoek.
We have just
the boy for you.
He's only seven years old
and hasn't had much love.
( whimper )
But I think you're just the man
who can turn him around.
Come on, bring in
the little nipper.
Joy... ecstasy.
Okay,
bring in Kowalski.
( growling )
( man )
Kowalski is serving
a 30-year prison sentence
for crimes
against humanity.
Wow...
but we let him out on
weekend furloughs.
( growling )
( tense whimpers )
Well, go on, Kowalski,
say hi to your fake dad.
He's going to give you
the love you never had.
Go ahead, Ren,
give him your love.
( growling )
( gasp )
Daddy !
Kowalski love new daddy.
( crying )
Oh, joy, we are such
a happy family.
Let us all enjoy some
quality time together.
Oh, look, I have some
tasty icing on my spoon.
Let us share it.
Oh, no.
You should give some
to your new child.
( grunts )
He's not my child.
Daddy !
I'm not your dad.
I'm only your fake dad,
and only for this weekend.
Be nice to the product
of your loins.
My fake loins.
Woo-woo !
Arrr--
( crunch )
( slurps )
Mmm...
mmm...
mmmm....
I wish all children
could know your love.
( heavy breathing )
Read...
my favorite chair !
Hmmm.
( grunting )
Argh !
Give me that !
That's my book
you're mangling !
Why, I ought to take your
pants down and spank you !
Ren Hoek,
what are you doing ?
Shame on you.
You leave his
little pants on.
Show him some love,
you're his father.
Eee...
I'm not his dad !
Shame, shame,
double shame.
You're right,
I've been terrible.
Okay.
I'm sorry Kowalski,
but be careful.
This is my house,
and these are my things.
Hmmm.
Hmm... ahh.
Ahhh.
Hmmm.
Hmm.
( flame crackling )
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Ahhh...
what are you doing ?
You're seven years old.
Don't you know that
smoking can kill you !
Now I really
ought to spank you.
Arrr !
Why, you...
that'll teach you
not to smoke.
Mmm, whoa-ho...
( Stimpy )
What's going on
in there ?
Daddy hit baby.
Baby mad !
( boiling )
( gasp )
My favorite couch.
Ahhh... !
( gasp )
My favorite T.V.
Ahhh... !
( gasp )
My favorite friend.
Ahhh... !
Hmmm.
Okay, Kowalski,
what kind of sandwich
do you want ?
M-meat !
And what kind of
bread do you want ?
Meat !
Meat on meat, eh ?
Okay, here's your
meat-On-meat sandwich.
( grunts )
Hmmm.
Ahhh !
What's wrong now,
Kowalski ?
Toast meat !
( ding )
Here.
( hacking )
What's wrong
with you now ?
Thirsty !
Want "grink" !
What would you like to
"grink", Kowalski ?
Meat !
Get him a glass of meat,
will you, Stimpy !
( plopping )
( gulping )
Rrrr...
ohhh...
look, Ren,
baby spit up.
You're his fake dad,
you better burp him.
Okay, Kowalski,
I'll burp you.
( straining )
Okay, Kowalski,
burp for daddy.
Come on, Kowalski.
Burp, I tell you !
( panting )
Oh, come on, Kowalski,
please burp.
Do it for your old man.
Please...
( panting )
I'm telling you there's
no way he's going to burp.
Not in a million years.
Ohh...
( loud, long burp )
( burp, burp )
( growling )
All right,
that's it !
I've had all I can stand
from you, Kowalski !
Now, now, Ren--
shut up !
He's had this coming
for a long time now !!
Get up, Kowalski,
get up !
Come on !
Up, that's right !
Turn around,
turn around !
Back off, man !
All right, Kowalski,
take 'em down !
Come on,
take the pants down !
Eh ?
The pants, Kowalski,
the pants !
He he he.
It's gonna happen...
he he he--
( blubbering )
Pull 'em up.
Please,
pull 'em up.
Pull up the pants.
Hmmm.
( humming )
Well, how did you enjoy
your weekend, Kowalski ?
Daddy burp baby.
Baby love daddy.
You've done a wonderful service
to humanity, Mr. Hoek.
You've really
turned the lad around.
Okay, boys,
take him away.
Mmm...
( electric shocks )
Haa !
( more shocks )
Haa, haa !
( heavy breathing )
Mmm...
goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy,
goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy !
Goodbye, daddy !
Eee...
goodbye, baby,
eee-Hee.
Goodbye, daddy !
Daddy, daddy...
goodbye !
( sobbing )
There, there,
it's okay.
Even daddies
can cry sometimes.