The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 2, Episode 6 - Big Baby Scam/Dog Show - full transcript
Ren & Stimpy, starving, exploit the benefits of living as babies. Then, George Liquor American takes us the Dog Show, where Ren & Stimpy are pitted against some tough competition. But only George can handle the judge's harsh scrutiny.
( chomping )
( gulp )
( shrieks )
Look, Stimpy !
Now, there's the life.
( cooing )
( Stimpy )
Oh, look at the cute
little babies.
Cute nothin'--
they're deadbeats !
Babies have the world's
easiest life.
People feed 'em,
they clothe 'em,
they carry them
everywhere they go,
and they expect
nothing in return.
Why, I hear tell...
that they don't even
have to wipe themselves.
Nooo !
Yeaaah !
( babbling )
( cooing )
All right,
drop the act !
I got a proposition
for you.
I'll give you 50 bucks
if the two of you take
a permanent vacation.
Out of the way, Jackson.
You're holdin' up
the parade.
So long, chumps.
Hey, give me a hand,
will ya ?!
Ah, hit the road !
Aahhh !
( crash )
You know, Stimpy,
this is the best scam yet.
I'm tellin' ya,
we got it made.
( woman )
Poopie time !
( footsteps approaching,
humming )
My babies !
( cooing )
Have we made
poopies ?
Hmm...
no poopies ?
Well, we won't
tell daddy this time,
but next time,
we want to see poopies.
Well, let's see if Shawn
did any better.
( sloshing )
Oh, my !
What a good boy !
( humming )
( clears throat )
Ahem.
( insects buzzing )
( mother )
How wonderful !
Your papa
will be so proud.
Yes, you're my little
stinky bear !
( sniffling )
Mom always
liked you best !
( hack )
Puh !
( door opens )
( closes )
Honey, I'm home.
( bell dings )
( snap ! )
Where are
my big boys ?
Ah, there they are.
( both cooing )
Hey, tiger,
whatcha know ?
( screeching )
( mother )
Ahh... isn't
Shawn adorable ?
He looks
just like you.
Yeah, he sure does.
But I still
can't believe
I let you talk me into
giving him that name.
Now, Eugene here--
there's a boy's name.
Hey, tough guy,
think fast !
See those reflexes,
hon ?
And a grip to match.
( babbling )
Yeah, you're gonna
be a tough guy.
That's right.
Yeah, you're gonna
wallop all your friends.
You're gonna be a big
strapping fellow,
maybe even a bully, huh ?
Just like your
grandpa.
I won't have that man's name
spoken in this house !
Okay, honey, if that's
important to you.
Give your daddy
a big old hug !
( scraping )
( humming )
Honey, I think it's time
the boys learned to walk.
Ooh, honey,
I think it's too soon.
Come on, hon.
They can't hide under their
mother's skirt forever.
Ohh, okay.
But if my boys get rickets,
we'll know who to blame.
( fart )
Come on, boys,
come to daddy !
That's it,
don't be afraid.
( babbling )
That's amazing,
they learned so fast.
Hmm...
they need something
more challenging.
( gulp )
Now, honey,
I think that is
a little too early.
( daddy )
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
Whew ! Whew !
Hey, Eugene, let's play
your favorite game.
One, two...
upsy daisy !
( chattering )
Up... sy daisy.
( Ren's teeth
chattering )
Up... sy--
( wham )
Uh ? Oh.
Look, hon, I told you
he had grandpa's grip.
That's quite enough
roughhousing.
It's time for
the family bath.
Oh, boy, bath time !
( boing )
( ding-a-ling-a-ling )
( honk )
Honey,
this is nice.
This is what
family is about.
Honey ?
Yep, there's nothing
like a hot bath
to settle
one's digestion.
( birds chirping )
( doorbell bonks )
Hmm...
hold the boys
while I go to the door.
What can I do
for you, officer ?
We found these boys hanging out
down at the track.
They claim to be yours.
There must be some
mistake, officer.
My boys are safe
in the bathtub
with their mom
and grandpa.
( record scratch )
Hey, you two !
You blew our cover !
I want my 50 back !
Come on,
give it to me.
( ding )
Oh, you want 50 ?
Hey !
Hey, what are you
doing ?
Let me go !
Ya-ahh !
You want 50 ?!
I'll give ya 50 !
One...
two...
three...
( Ren )
Stimpy, help me !
Four...
let me go.
Five...
six...
that's enough !
Seven...
you're hitting me,
aren't you ?
Eight, nine !
I don't like that !
( announcer )
Today is the biggest
event of the year--
the all breed
dog show.
Hello, I'm George liquor...
American !
I want you to meet a real
champion show dog.
My prize miniature
great Dane-- champy !
Look at the
little rascal.
Show us your
lipstick.
That's a good boy !
Now, a champion show dog
possesses many fine traits.
Like dental hygiene,
for instance.
Just look at those gums.
You think gums like this
come cheap ?
No, sir.
You've got to
massage them.
There you go.
Now, don't be stingy
with your love.
Ah, hah...
how about that ?
What's this crap ?
Your dog got
one of these ?
Yeah, I'll bet it does.
To be a real
champion,
your dog must have
its tail bobbed.
Easy now.
There, that's pretty.
Now, note how
the smooth butt
adds a regal appearance
to your show dog.
Lookie,
here's another one.
See that ?
Dah, but I'm a cat.
That a girl, Rex.
Finally,
let's not overlook
the importance
of a show dog's fur !
Look at those fine coats.
They weren't
born this way.
Only a daily buffing
can bring out that shine.
Ahh, yes.
My, you're looking
mighty handsome.
Shut up.
He'll tear
your tonsils out.
( buzzer sounds )
Pre-judging will begin
in five minutes !
Don't sweat it, boys,
you can lick 'em.
You can lick 'em all.
Ahh, no contest.
Ha ha ha !
Psst.
Hey, boys--
( snickers )
We'll have this judge
eating out of the palms
of our hands.
( horse galloping )
Shh, there's
the man now.
All right,
let's have a look
at your dog, ma'am.
Ha ! You call that
a dog ?
Rat with a hippie wig.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm...
ah, it's in the bag.
It's too easy.
Does periwinkle
measure up ?
No, ma'am,
I don't like it.
Gasp !
( snoring )
It's been
a good life !
Next !
( yipping )
You're kidding.
Give me that !
Wait !
It's not my fault !
You think I wanna be seen
with hair like this, huh ?!
Man, will you
look at that ?
Makes me wanna puke !
It's him !
He makes me do it !
It's his fault !
Kill him !
Oh, please !
Don't reject me, please !
It's in the bag.
Look at you.
You're begging.
Shame on you !
All right !
All right !
You're right.
I gotta take it
like... a man !
Next !
Here, take
a look at this !
Hmm...
asthma-hound
chihuahua, huh ?
Look at that.
Well, this one's representative
of his sickly breed.
All right, he's in.
Stimpy !
Hmm...
never seen
this breed before.
No, sir.
His butt's too smooth.
I've heard of that.
Take a closer look,
ya moron !
Don't you know a Cornish Rex
hound when you see one ?!
Maybe I don't.
Ugggghh !!
Well, take
another look !
Ow ! Ow, ow, ow !
Ow, ow, ow !
Are you lookin'
closer now ?
Huh, huh ?!
Big shot !
What do you
think now, huh ?!
I think
he looks good.
Thank you.
Louder ?
I can't hear you !
He looks good !
Mighty good !
Thanks again.
Yeah, I thought so.
Well, boys,
this is the big time.
Make me proud.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the all breed
dog show finals !
I'm your judge !
Now, there's
a real judge for ya.
A man's man.
Only the finest show dogs
from all over the world
have come to compete
in this spectacular event.
And now,
our first contestant !
A stunning
Italian greyhound.
Boys, this gonna be
harder than I thought.
Remarkable !
Perfect
hindquarters !
Don't worry, boys,
if you don't make it,
we'll just go back to
more guard dog training.
A solid brisket !
He gets a nine.
And next, we have a fabulous
Cornish Rex hound !
Go to it, Rex.
Hmm...
good complexion.
Atta girl, Rex.
Nice hocks, man !
He likes him !
He likes him !
Let's take a closer look,
shall we ?
Ah, yes !
Good muscle tone.
( fart )
What's this ?
( record scratch )
Ohhh !
An in-grown
dew claw !
Disqualified !
What ?!
Take him away.
Aahhh !
Aahhhh !!
Ya lousy,
rotten bum, ya !
It took me months to
push in that dew claw !
And next, a prize
asthma-Hound chihuahua.
( groans )
It's up to you now.
You're gonna
bring me my trophy.
You're gonna make
my dream come true !
You got that ?!
Oh, no... I ain't
going up there.
Why don't you do it
yourself, Mr. Big shot ?
Oh, a smart mouth, huh ?
( rumbling )
All right, okay,
I'll do it !
And I'm gonna win, too !
Wow !!
Look at those lines !
A perfect chest
from withers to brisket.
Such a smooth butt.
( crowd )
Ooh... ahh...
I tell ya, I've never
seen a finer dog
in my long career !
Ladies and gentlemen,
for outstanding excellence
amongst all breeds,
I present this
first prize
to our finest show dog,
the royal American
George hound !
( audience cheering )
( both )
Oh, joy !
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™
( gulp )
( shrieks )
Look, Stimpy !
Now, there's the life.
( cooing )
( Stimpy )
Oh, look at the cute
little babies.
Cute nothin'--
they're deadbeats !
Babies have the world's
easiest life.
People feed 'em,
they clothe 'em,
they carry them
everywhere they go,
and they expect
nothing in return.
Why, I hear tell...
that they don't even
have to wipe themselves.
Nooo !
Yeaaah !
( babbling )
( cooing )
All right,
drop the act !
I got a proposition
for you.
I'll give you 50 bucks
if the two of you take
a permanent vacation.
Out of the way, Jackson.
You're holdin' up
the parade.
So long, chumps.
Hey, give me a hand,
will ya ?!
Ah, hit the road !
Aahhh !
( crash )
You know, Stimpy,
this is the best scam yet.
I'm tellin' ya,
we got it made.
( woman )
Poopie time !
( footsteps approaching,
humming )
My babies !
( cooing )
Have we made
poopies ?
Hmm...
no poopies ?
Well, we won't
tell daddy this time,
but next time,
we want to see poopies.
Well, let's see if Shawn
did any better.
( sloshing )
Oh, my !
What a good boy !
( humming )
( clears throat )
Ahem.
( insects buzzing )
( mother )
How wonderful !
Your papa
will be so proud.
Yes, you're my little
stinky bear !
( sniffling )
Mom always
liked you best !
( hack )
Puh !
( door opens )
( closes )
Honey, I'm home.
( bell dings )
( snap ! )
Where are
my big boys ?
Ah, there they are.
( both cooing )
Hey, tiger,
whatcha know ?
( screeching )
( mother )
Ahh... isn't
Shawn adorable ?
He looks
just like you.
Yeah, he sure does.
But I still
can't believe
I let you talk me into
giving him that name.
Now, Eugene here--
there's a boy's name.
Hey, tough guy,
think fast !
See those reflexes,
hon ?
And a grip to match.
( babbling )
Yeah, you're gonna
be a tough guy.
That's right.
Yeah, you're gonna
wallop all your friends.
You're gonna be a big
strapping fellow,
maybe even a bully, huh ?
Just like your
grandpa.
I won't have that man's name
spoken in this house !
Okay, honey, if that's
important to you.
Give your daddy
a big old hug !
( scraping )
( humming )
Honey, I think it's time
the boys learned to walk.
Ooh, honey,
I think it's too soon.
Come on, hon.
They can't hide under their
mother's skirt forever.
Ohh, okay.
But if my boys get rickets,
we'll know who to blame.
( fart )
Come on, boys,
come to daddy !
That's it,
don't be afraid.
( babbling )
That's amazing,
they learned so fast.
Hmm...
they need something
more challenging.
( gulp )
Now, honey,
I think that is
a little too early.
( daddy )
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
Whew ! Whew !
Hey, Eugene, let's play
your favorite game.
One, two...
upsy daisy !
( chattering )
Up... sy daisy.
( Ren's teeth
chattering )
Up... sy--
( wham )
Uh ? Oh.
Look, hon, I told you
he had grandpa's grip.
That's quite enough
roughhousing.
It's time for
the family bath.
Oh, boy, bath time !
( boing )
( ding-a-ling-a-ling )
( honk )
Honey,
this is nice.
This is what
family is about.
Honey ?
Yep, there's nothing
like a hot bath
to settle
one's digestion.
( birds chirping )
( doorbell bonks )
Hmm...
hold the boys
while I go to the door.
What can I do
for you, officer ?
We found these boys hanging out
down at the track.
They claim to be yours.
There must be some
mistake, officer.
My boys are safe
in the bathtub
with their mom
and grandpa.
( record scratch )
Hey, you two !
You blew our cover !
I want my 50 back !
Come on,
give it to me.
( ding )
Oh, you want 50 ?
Hey !
Hey, what are you
doing ?
Let me go !
Ya-ahh !
You want 50 ?!
I'll give ya 50 !
One...
two...
three...
( Ren )
Stimpy, help me !
Four...
let me go.
Five...
six...
that's enough !
Seven...
you're hitting me,
aren't you ?
Eight, nine !
I don't like that !
( announcer )
Today is the biggest
event of the year--
the all breed
dog show.
Hello, I'm George liquor...
American !
I want you to meet a real
champion show dog.
My prize miniature
great Dane-- champy !
Look at the
little rascal.
Show us your
lipstick.
That's a good boy !
Now, a champion show dog
possesses many fine traits.
Like dental hygiene,
for instance.
Just look at those gums.
You think gums like this
come cheap ?
No, sir.
You've got to
massage them.
There you go.
Now, don't be stingy
with your love.
Ah, hah...
how about that ?
What's this crap ?
Your dog got
one of these ?
Yeah, I'll bet it does.
To be a real
champion,
your dog must have
its tail bobbed.
Easy now.
There, that's pretty.
Now, note how
the smooth butt
adds a regal appearance
to your show dog.
Lookie,
here's another one.
See that ?
Dah, but I'm a cat.
That a girl, Rex.
Finally,
let's not overlook
the importance
of a show dog's fur !
Look at those fine coats.
They weren't
born this way.
Only a daily buffing
can bring out that shine.
Ahh, yes.
My, you're looking
mighty handsome.
Shut up.
He'll tear
your tonsils out.
( buzzer sounds )
Pre-judging will begin
in five minutes !
Don't sweat it, boys,
you can lick 'em.
You can lick 'em all.
Ahh, no contest.
Ha ha ha !
Psst.
Hey, boys--
( snickers )
We'll have this judge
eating out of the palms
of our hands.
( horse galloping )
Shh, there's
the man now.
All right,
let's have a look
at your dog, ma'am.
Ha ! You call that
a dog ?
Rat with a hippie wig.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm...
ah, it's in the bag.
It's too easy.
Does periwinkle
measure up ?
No, ma'am,
I don't like it.
Gasp !
( snoring )
It's been
a good life !
Next !
( yipping )
You're kidding.
Give me that !
Wait !
It's not my fault !
You think I wanna be seen
with hair like this, huh ?!
Man, will you
look at that ?
Makes me wanna puke !
It's him !
He makes me do it !
It's his fault !
Kill him !
Oh, please !
Don't reject me, please !
It's in the bag.
Look at you.
You're begging.
Shame on you !
All right !
All right !
You're right.
I gotta take it
like... a man !
Next !
Here, take
a look at this !
Hmm...
asthma-hound
chihuahua, huh ?
Look at that.
Well, this one's representative
of his sickly breed.
All right, he's in.
Stimpy !
Hmm...
never seen
this breed before.
No, sir.
His butt's too smooth.
I've heard of that.
Take a closer look,
ya moron !
Don't you know a Cornish Rex
hound when you see one ?!
Maybe I don't.
Ugggghh !!
Well, take
another look !
Ow ! Ow, ow, ow !
Ow, ow, ow !
Are you lookin'
closer now ?
Huh, huh ?!
Big shot !
What do you
think now, huh ?!
I think
he looks good.
Thank you.
Louder ?
I can't hear you !
He looks good !
Mighty good !
Thanks again.
Yeah, I thought so.
Well, boys,
this is the big time.
Make me proud.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the all breed
dog show finals !
I'm your judge !
Now, there's
a real judge for ya.
A man's man.
Only the finest show dogs
from all over the world
have come to compete
in this spectacular event.
And now,
our first contestant !
A stunning
Italian greyhound.
Boys, this gonna be
harder than I thought.
Remarkable !
Perfect
hindquarters !
Don't worry, boys,
if you don't make it,
we'll just go back to
more guard dog training.
A solid brisket !
He gets a nine.
And next, we have a fabulous
Cornish Rex hound !
Go to it, Rex.
Hmm...
good complexion.
Atta girl, Rex.
Nice hocks, man !
He likes him !
He likes him !
Let's take a closer look,
shall we ?
Ah, yes !
Good muscle tone.
( fart )
What's this ?
( record scratch )
Ohhh !
An in-grown
dew claw !
Disqualified !
What ?!
Take him away.
Aahhh !
Aahhhh !!
Ya lousy,
rotten bum, ya !
It took me months to
push in that dew claw !
And next, a prize
asthma-Hound chihuahua.
( groans )
It's up to you now.
You're gonna
bring me my trophy.
You're gonna make
my dream come true !
You got that ?!
Oh, no... I ain't
going up there.
Why don't you do it
yourself, Mr. Big shot ?
Oh, a smart mouth, huh ?
( rumbling )
All right, okay,
I'll do it !
And I'm gonna win, too !
Wow !!
Look at those lines !
A perfect chest
from withers to brisket.
Such a smooth butt.
( crowd )
Ooh... ahh...
I tell ya, I've never
seen a finer dog
in my long career !
Ladies and gentlemen,
for outstanding excellence
amongst all breeds,
I present this
first prize
to our finest show dog,
the royal American
George hound !
( audience cheering )
( both )
Oh, joy !
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™