The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 2, Episode 5 - Mad Dog Höek/Haunted House - full transcript
Convinced that wrestling is all an act, Mad Dog Höek (Ren) and Killer Kodoogan (Stimpy) are thrown into the wrestling ring for a bout against the enormous Lout Brothers, Lump and Loaf. Next, we see the Ren and Stimpy spend "the next twelve minutes" inside a mansion haunted by a shy, depressed and thoroughly non-scary Casper-like ghost.
( marching band music )
( audience cheering )
Ladies and gentlemen !
Tonight we have
the battle of the century !
The undisputed tag team
champ-Eens of the world !
The duo of destruction,
the lout brothers,
lump and loaf !
( audience booing )
( both growling )
( growling )
( audience booing )
And in this corner !
The pitiful pair,
the couple of contusions,
maddog Hoek
and killer kadoogen !
( audience cheering )
Psst !
Hey, Ren...
those guys look
big and mean.
I think they
wanna hurt us !
Don't worry, Stimpy.
This is all pretend.
Nobody really gets hurt.
The match is rigged.
We can't lose.
We're the good guys.
Y-you mean
it's just a game...
and we're just
pretending to fight ?
The bell !
Oh, boy !
Let me at 'em !
Tit, tit, Stimpy.
Leave these
ruffians to me.
( wheezes )
Duh, have fun
with the nice, mean men.
Watch me put my famous
sleeper hold on him.
( crunch )
( snores )
( gasps )
( audience cheering )
( clattering )
( snap )
( slurping )
( gunshot )
Tag me tag me tag me !
Please !!
( squeals )
Hi, Mr. Loaf,
my name's Stimpy,
and I've come
to play with you.
( accordion note )
Oh, the humanity
of it all !!
( thud )
( crash )
( screech )
Hey, Ren !
Pretendin' to rassle
is the most fun
in the whole world !
Come on, Ren,
let me tag you,
so's you can play !
No, n-no.
That's okay, Stimpy.
I already had
lots of fun.
Besides, heh,
I wouldn't think
of depriving you
of such a good time.
Gee, Ren,
you're such a pal.
Always thinking
of me first.
Well, folks...
( crash )
It looks like lump
has the killer
in the dreaded
backhanded tongue lock !
( fart )
( fart )
( crash )
( crash )
( bell dings )
Now lump has tagged loaf,
and it looks like loaf
is going to administer...
a taste of the awful,
the insidious...
flying butt pliers !
( audience
cheering )
( farts )
Oh, joy !
( crunch )
Aah !
( snap snap )
Aah !
( crunch )
Oh, dear.
I've been so selfish
and thoughtless.
Here I am, doing
all the playing--
( snap )
Aah !
While my poor pal Ren
sits all alone
with no one
to play with.
( record scratch )
( gulps )
Oh, boy, Ren.
Now it's your turn
to play !
Now play nice !
( announcer )
It looks like maddog has
found lump's weak spot !
Waaaaarrraaarrgh !
Aah ! Ow !
Ow-How-how-how !
Oh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Oooow !
Ohh-ho-ho, boy !
I wouldn't wanna be
in maddog's shoes now !
Mm-mmm.
( announcer )
Now the referee steps in
to make sure the lout brothers
fight fair !
And now the referee
checks to see if this
is an illegal
choke hold !
Well, the ref says
everything's kosher !
Heh heh heh.
( car starts )
( tires screech )
( crash )
Well, now both
maddog and the killer
are in the ring taking
a beating,
and believe me,
it isn't pretty !
( wolf whistle )
( watch ticking )
( whispering )
Psst ! Hey, lump...
it's time
to throw the fight.
Duh, okey-dokey, loaf.
( crash )
( crash )
( birds tweeting )
( announcer )
The winners...
maddog Hoek
and killer kadoogen !
( audience cheering )
Well, ladies
and gents,
let's have a word
with today's losers.
Loaf, what do you think
about losing the match ?
We louts are angry !
We are sore !
Maddog and killer cheated !
Next time we see you guys,
it'll be in the street !
We'll break your bones !
We'll grind you
into putty !
We'll tear your faces off !
You haven't heard
the last of us !
This is war !
We are generals,
you are the enemy !
Beware, maddog !
Beware, killer !
We know where you live !
We know where
your parents live !
We will have our
revennnnge !!
Th-there you have it.
And now a word
from the winners.
Maddog, you've heard
the nasty,
brutal things
loaf said about you.
How do you respond
to this ?
Well, actually,
I feel that-- woop !
No ! I wanna holler
the loud, funny words !
I like Darren !
He is my friend !
I like you and him !
He likes me !
And I like him !
He likes you !
I hoooope !!
Hey, man, I--
I like his autograph !
It is a nice
picture !
He... is...
niiiice !!
( huffing )
( ominous organ music )
( hooting )
( bats shriek )
Look, Ren.
This looks like a great
place to kill 12 minutes.
You said it, pal.
Oh, boy...
some hapless
victims.
I can hardly wait to scare
the veins out of them.
Watch me put on
my most hideous grimace.
Excuse me.
I must go freshen up.
( gulps )
( floorboards creaking )
This calls for
the direct approach.
Say, what's this ?
I know--
it's a wood-burning stove.
Log !
Watch if you dare.
Ah !
Heh heh.
Hmm... where are they ?
( dishes shatter )
( Stimpy )
Uh, Ren,
you shouldn't juggle
strange people's dishes.
( dishes shatter )
( stomach rumbles )
I'm hungry, Ren.
Yeah, me, too.
I could sure go for
a sandwich.
Yeah...
a sandwich.
I'll hide in this...
bread !!
( bell rings )
What shall we
put on it ?
How about
peanut butter ?!
And marmalade ?!
Fish eggs !
Fish !
Joy !
Stop !!
You selfish pig !
You would eat
all of it.
( garbled )
I'm sorry.
Think of all the
starving yaks out there
that would kill for
a meal like that.
Mehh !!
Oh, my father !
Thank you !
Take that.
What's he doing, Ren ?
A yak always tenderizes
his food before he eats it.
And that !
Here's one for
your old man !
( yawns )
I'm bushed, old friend.
Me, too.
Let's go up
and wet the bed.
Sure... I wonder
where it is.
Maybe up
those hideous stairs.
Now's my chance.
( snoring )
Ahh, it's so cozy here.
I'm going to sleep
like the dead.
( sniffing )
( record scratches )
Out !!
And don't you come back
until you take a shower !
( humming )
Now for a brutal display
of pointless,
gut-Wrenching terror.
( laughs maniacally )
♪ Happy, happy
joy, joy ♪
♪ happy, happy
joy, joy ♪
♪ happy, happy
hmm hmm ♪
♪ la la la la
hmm hmm ♪
♪ hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm ♪
♪ la la la
la la hmm ♪
♪ happy, happy
hmm, joy ♪
♪ hmm ♪
don't forget to wash where
the sun don't shine !
Oh, yeah !
( whip cracks )
It's a good thing
I'm already dead.
I've had it with this
child's play !
I'm going to end this...
the only way
it can end !
With me...
the winner !
( chain saw buzzing )
Wake up, you pigs !!
( chain saw
buzzing )
Look, Ren,
a trick-or-treater.
He's come to visit us.
Isn't he a cute
little rascal ?
( Ren and Stimpy )
Happy Halloween !
That's it !
I quit !
Look, fellas,
I'm a ghost.
I've been trying
to scare you guys
all through
this picture.
( sobs )
But I'm a failure.
( shatter )
( thunder )
I'm a failure.
I couldn't even scare
a paranoid schizophrenic.
Aw, come on,
try again.
We'll do better,
I promise.
Don't patronize me !
It's no use.
There's only one thing
left to do.
I'm gonna end it all.
Sweet lord, no !
Are you crazy, man ?
You can't do that !
Here, do this.
( gasps )
Acck !
( gagging )
( burps, wheezes )
( angelic chorus )
Man, what a blast !
( angelic chorus )
I'm alive...
killer.
( door slams )
( car starts )
( honk honk )
Hey, I'll see you
on the next shot.
Ahh !
( laughing )
( tires squeal )
( audience cheering )
Ladies and gentlemen !
Tonight we have
the battle of the century !
The undisputed tag team
champ-Eens of the world !
The duo of destruction,
the lout brothers,
lump and loaf !
( audience booing )
( both growling )
( growling )
( audience booing )
And in this corner !
The pitiful pair,
the couple of contusions,
maddog Hoek
and killer kadoogen !
( audience cheering )
Psst !
Hey, Ren...
those guys look
big and mean.
I think they
wanna hurt us !
Don't worry, Stimpy.
This is all pretend.
Nobody really gets hurt.
The match is rigged.
We can't lose.
We're the good guys.
Y-you mean
it's just a game...
and we're just
pretending to fight ?
The bell !
Oh, boy !
Let me at 'em !
Tit, tit, Stimpy.
Leave these
ruffians to me.
( wheezes )
Duh, have fun
with the nice, mean men.
Watch me put my famous
sleeper hold on him.
( crunch )
( snores )
( gasps )
( audience cheering )
( clattering )
( snap )
( slurping )
( gunshot )
Tag me tag me tag me !
Please !!
( squeals )
Hi, Mr. Loaf,
my name's Stimpy,
and I've come
to play with you.
( accordion note )
Oh, the humanity
of it all !!
( thud )
( crash )
( screech )
Hey, Ren !
Pretendin' to rassle
is the most fun
in the whole world !
Come on, Ren,
let me tag you,
so's you can play !
No, n-no.
That's okay, Stimpy.
I already had
lots of fun.
Besides, heh,
I wouldn't think
of depriving you
of such a good time.
Gee, Ren,
you're such a pal.
Always thinking
of me first.
Well, folks...
( crash )
It looks like lump
has the killer
in the dreaded
backhanded tongue lock !
( fart )
( fart )
( crash )
( crash )
( bell dings )
Now lump has tagged loaf,
and it looks like loaf
is going to administer...
a taste of the awful,
the insidious...
flying butt pliers !
( audience
cheering )
( farts )
Oh, joy !
( crunch )
Aah !
( snap snap )
Aah !
( crunch )
Oh, dear.
I've been so selfish
and thoughtless.
Here I am, doing
all the playing--
( snap )
Aah !
While my poor pal Ren
sits all alone
with no one
to play with.
( record scratch )
( gulps )
Oh, boy, Ren.
Now it's your turn
to play !
Now play nice !
( announcer )
It looks like maddog has
found lump's weak spot !
Waaaaarrraaarrgh !
Aah ! Ow !
Ow-How-how-how !
Oh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Oooow !
Ohh-ho-ho, boy !
I wouldn't wanna be
in maddog's shoes now !
Mm-mmm.
( announcer )
Now the referee steps in
to make sure the lout brothers
fight fair !
And now the referee
checks to see if this
is an illegal
choke hold !
Well, the ref says
everything's kosher !
Heh heh heh.
( car starts )
( tires screech )
( crash )
Well, now both
maddog and the killer
are in the ring taking
a beating,
and believe me,
it isn't pretty !
( wolf whistle )
( watch ticking )
( whispering )
Psst ! Hey, lump...
it's time
to throw the fight.
Duh, okey-dokey, loaf.
( crash )
( crash )
( birds tweeting )
( announcer )
The winners...
maddog Hoek
and killer kadoogen !
( audience cheering )
Well, ladies
and gents,
let's have a word
with today's losers.
Loaf, what do you think
about losing the match ?
We louts are angry !
We are sore !
Maddog and killer cheated !
Next time we see you guys,
it'll be in the street !
We'll break your bones !
We'll grind you
into putty !
We'll tear your faces off !
You haven't heard
the last of us !
This is war !
We are generals,
you are the enemy !
Beware, maddog !
Beware, killer !
We know where you live !
We know where
your parents live !
We will have our
revennnnge !!
Th-there you have it.
And now a word
from the winners.
Maddog, you've heard
the nasty,
brutal things
loaf said about you.
How do you respond
to this ?
Well, actually,
I feel that-- woop !
No ! I wanna holler
the loud, funny words !
I like Darren !
He is my friend !
I like you and him !
He likes me !
And I like him !
He likes you !
I hoooope !!
Hey, man, I--
I like his autograph !
It is a nice
picture !
He... is...
niiiice !!
( huffing )
( ominous organ music )
( hooting )
( bats shriek )
Look, Ren.
This looks like a great
place to kill 12 minutes.
You said it, pal.
Oh, boy...
some hapless
victims.
I can hardly wait to scare
the veins out of them.
Watch me put on
my most hideous grimace.
Excuse me.
I must go freshen up.
( gulps )
( floorboards creaking )
This calls for
the direct approach.
Say, what's this ?
I know--
it's a wood-burning stove.
Log !
Watch if you dare.
Ah !
Heh heh.
Hmm... where are they ?
( dishes shatter )
( Stimpy )
Uh, Ren,
you shouldn't juggle
strange people's dishes.
( dishes shatter )
( stomach rumbles )
I'm hungry, Ren.
Yeah, me, too.
I could sure go for
a sandwich.
Yeah...
a sandwich.
I'll hide in this...
bread !!
( bell rings )
What shall we
put on it ?
How about
peanut butter ?!
And marmalade ?!
Fish eggs !
Fish !
Joy !
Stop !!
You selfish pig !
You would eat
all of it.
( garbled )
I'm sorry.
Think of all the
starving yaks out there
that would kill for
a meal like that.
Mehh !!
Oh, my father !
Thank you !
Take that.
What's he doing, Ren ?
A yak always tenderizes
his food before he eats it.
And that !
Here's one for
your old man !
( yawns )
I'm bushed, old friend.
Me, too.
Let's go up
and wet the bed.
Sure... I wonder
where it is.
Maybe up
those hideous stairs.
Now's my chance.
( snoring )
Ahh, it's so cozy here.
I'm going to sleep
like the dead.
( sniffing )
( record scratches )
Out !!
And don't you come back
until you take a shower !
( humming )
Now for a brutal display
of pointless,
gut-Wrenching terror.
( laughs maniacally )
♪ Happy, happy
joy, joy ♪
♪ happy, happy
joy, joy ♪
♪ happy, happy
hmm hmm ♪
♪ la la la la
hmm hmm ♪
♪ hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm ♪
♪ la la la
la la hmm ♪
♪ happy, happy
hmm, joy ♪
♪ hmm ♪
don't forget to wash where
the sun don't shine !
Oh, yeah !
( whip cracks )
It's a good thing
I'm already dead.
I've had it with this
child's play !
I'm going to end this...
the only way
it can end !
With me...
the winner !
( chain saw buzzing )
Wake up, you pigs !!
( chain saw
buzzing )
Look, Ren,
a trick-or-treater.
He's come to visit us.
Isn't he a cute
little rascal ?
( Ren and Stimpy )
Happy Halloween !
That's it !
I quit !
Look, fellas,
I'm a ghost.
I've been trying
to scare you guys
all through
this picture.
( sobs )
But I'm a failure.
( shatter )
( thunder )
I'm a failure.
I couldn't even scare
a paranoid schizophrenic.
Aw, come on,
try again.
We'll do better,
I promise.
Don't patronize me !
It's no use.
There's only one thing
left to do.
I'm gonna end it all.
Sweet lord, no !
Are you crazy, man ?
You can't do that !
Here, do this.
( gasps )
Acck !
( gagging )
( burps, wheezes )
( angelic chorus )
Man, what a blast !
( angelic chorus )
I'm alive...
killer.
( door slams )
( car starts )
( honk honk )
Hey, I'll see you
on the next shot.
Ahh !
( laughing )
( tires squeal )