The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 2, Episode 3 - Out West/Rubber Nipple Salesmen - full transcript
Ren and Stimpy find themselves amid the Wild West, where they run up against a Sheriff and Deputy who's favourite past-time is hanging people. They then hit the road as salesmen, going door-to-door to sell Rubber Nipples.
( narrator )
Come back with us now
to those bygone days,
when the west was
brutal, untamed and lawless.
It took a special breed of man
to tame this country.
Men with
eyes like eagles,
reflexes like a rattler,
and the keen ruthless wits
of a panther on the prowl.
We's awful ignorant,
ain't we, Ewalt ?
And plumb
proud of it, Abner.
Ewalt ?
Yeah, Abner ?
What's ignorant mean ?
Danged if'n I know,
but we's it.
He he he he...
he he he he...
( snorting )
He he.
Hey, I'm bored.
You're smart enough
to be bored ?
Hey, watch
your dirty mouth !
( sighs )
So, what are
we gonna do today ?
Let's us hang somebody.
Yeah !
We ain't hanged nobody
in a long dang time.
Yeah...
Ewalt,
who we gonna hang ?
Mmm, how's about...
old lady crenshaw !
Yeah, yeah--
nah, we hanged her
yesterday.
Well, heck, we done just about
hanged everybody in town.
Hmm...
y'know, maybe we ought to hang
somebody that deserves it.
Ewww...
fooo...
( register dings )
I got it !
Let's hire us some
villains to hang.
Yeah, villains !
What are villains ?
I don't know !
( dopey sounds )
From out of
the long desert shadows,
ride two dangerous
desperados.
Three-fingered Hoek,
and his faithful sidekick,
stupid, the kid.
Duh, hello.
Onward they ride.
Raw, tough,
desperate...
small.
Hey, Stimpy, let's go down to
that little one-horse town
and see if we can
pick up some odd jobs,
pillaging and looting.
Pillage, pillage,
pillage.
Loot, loot, loot.
( Ren )
"Villins wanted."
( rings doorbell )
Excuse us,
Mr. Sheriff.
You needn't look
any further,
for it is we
who are your villains.
( ticking )
( "Jeopardy"-like theme )
Hmm...
oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh...
say, why don't you fellers
mosey over to my place
and steal my horse ?
'Cause there is nothing worse
than a horse thief.
Oop !
He he he he.
( horse neighing
& trotting )
Here is your horse
that we have stolen.
Gawd, Abner !
That's the ugliest
horse ever I did see.
( braying )
Hey, that's no horse.
That's my wife !
( coyote howl )
Ah, you boys
can keep her.
Just remember to brush her
and feed her twice today.
♪ She'll be driving six white
horses when she comes ♪
hey, Ren, he reminds me
of your uncle Eddie.
And why is that ?
'Cause he's
big and stinky.
Hey, you shouldn't say
mean things like that.
Did you ever consider that
this horse might have feelings ?
Now let's
steal that horse.
Yee-haw !
Whoopee !
( hooting )
( grunts )
So, it's the old steal-the-horse
bit again, is it ?
All right,
let's do it.
If we have to.
( flies buzzing )
( sloshing )
Hey, boss.
These guys just
stole me and...
well, sir,
I don't like it.
( "Jeopardy"-like theme )
They're horse thieves,
you morons !
Horse thieves !
Horse thieves !
Hang 'em !
Hang 'em !
( birds screeching )
( sniffling )
Hey, Stimpy,
I have a little
confession to make.
At night,
while you're asleep--
( sniffling )
I polish my boots
with your tongue.
That's okay, Ren,
I wasn't really asleep.
Ewalt,
would you be so kind
as to hang these
two young fellers ?
Hey, we can't
hang those guys.
The scrawny one don't
weigh enough
and the fat one
ain't got no neck.
Oh, who we
gonna hang now ?
I guess well have to
hang each other.
Ah !
Ah !
There's only one thing that
we like more than hangin'.
And that's
singin' and dancin'.
Come on, everybody,
let's have a hoedown.
( all )
♪ Ohh... ♪
♪ the lord loves a hangin'
that's why he give us necks ♪
♪ it tightens up
our vocal cords ♪
♪ and loosens up
our pecs ♪
♪ so if you are a horse thief
and guilty to the bone ♪
♪ go ahead and blame a friend
and you won't hang alone ♪
♪ it may be hard to swaller ♪
♪ but you'll be
three feet taller ♪
♪ and find new ways to
entertain your friends ♪
♪ you say you are a villain
but can't abide by killin' ♪
♪ go ahead and
steal yourself a horse ♪
2, 3, 11, "r", 5...
sing it, boys.
Ah-ha !
I'm a-pickin'.
And I'm a-swingin'.
I'm ignorant.
And I'm ugly.
( Stimpy )
That you are, boys.
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ the lord loves a hangin'
and so do we, by heck ♪
♪ so get yourself a lasso
and decorate your neck ♪
♪ oh, we is awful ignorant
and uglier than sin ♪
♪ so go ahead
and cut us down... ♪
♪ and hang us all again ♪
you...
hang him,
that is.
Swing a spell.
Yeeee-haw !
( music box
playing lullaby )
You know, Stimpy,
with your invention
and my savvy,
we'll corner
the rubber nipple market.
We'll be millionaires !
We'll rule
the world !!
Tsk, Ren !
I am not in this
for financial gain.
I have a dream...
I believe...
one day that everyone...
everywhere...
will know the wonders
of my nipples.
Fine !
You keep your dream,
and I'll keep the money.
( tearing )
( pop )
Now shut up
and drive !
I'm driving !
I'm driving !
( lullaby playing )
( tires screech )
I can hardly
contain myself !
Just where do you
think you're going ?
Duh, I was gonna sell
some rubber nipples.
You don't know
how to sell anything !
You can't even
whiz by yourself !
Now, stand back and watch
a real salesman at work.
Duh, okay, Ren.
( door opens )
Aaaaah !
I've had it
up to here !!
With the likes
of you people !
Whoops.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were A...
( whispering )
Circus midget.
I have a new dream,
Ren.
What's your dream ?
That some day...
that I will be
as good a salesman...
as you, Ren.
Now shut up and let me
do the talking !
( locks unlocking )
Do I know you ?
I don't think so.
Would you like
to take a look
at some fine
rubber nipples ?
Did my wife send you ?
No, sir.
But you look like someone
who could really use
some rubber nipples.
How do I know you're not
from the F.B.I. ?
Sir, I can assure you,
we're only salesmen.
All right,
so I made a mistake !
One mistake !
Can't a man
start over ?!
Do I have to
keep on paying ?!
Aah !
Maybe I should make
another mistake !
Maybe two more !
Please, sir, I think
one mistake is plenty !
Just let me show you
what's inside here !
Don't do it, man !
I'm not armed !
We really just
want to sell you
some rubber nipples !
See ?!
Oh !
It is a nipple.
Ha ha ha ha !
Oh, what you must
think of me.
Forget everything I said.
So, nipples, huh ?
Hmm...
no, sir, I don't think I have
any use for rubber nipples.
I'll tell you what,
though...
do you have any rubber
walrus protectors ?
Call the police !
Ren ? Ren ?
Ren ? Ren ?
Ren !!
What is it, man ?!
Oh, please, can I talk
at the next house ?!
Can I, can I, huh ?!
Oh, please, please,
please, can I, huh ?!
Get ahold
of yourself, man !
All right, all right !
Shut up and get
in the truck !
Joy !
( lullaby playing )
( truck door slams )
( bonk )
( door opens )
( inhales )
You promised !
Hello, sir.
Would you like to buy some
shiny new rubber nipples ?
I baked them myself !
Hmm...
nipples, huh ?
Let me ask the wife.
Honey, are we short on
rubber nipples ?
Now, dear, don't you go
buying new rubber nipples
when you don't use the ones
you already have.
Well, maybe I would if they
weren't all chewed up.
Come on in, boys.
Let's see
what you got.
Yee-hee !
Ah ha ha ha !
Ahem.
Well, sir, you know rubber
nipples have come a long way
since you were a child.
I bet you thought
rubber nipples
were just to put
in your mouth.
Well, yeah, actually.
Well, nowadays, there's
a thousand and one uses
for my handy-dandy
rubber nipples.
( drum roll )
Observe.
( Ren )
They're perfect for storing
your hair trimmings.
Now, there's something
the little woman can use !
They're perfect for getting
at those hard-to-reach places.
Just amazing !
They make great
finger gloves...
for when you have to touch
filthy and repulsive things.
I have to touch filthy and
repulsive things every day !
Don't I, honey ?
Watch me now.
( snorts )
Nose plugs !
And they make
wonderful rain hats.
They protect your eyes
from harmful U.V. Rays.
And they make...
great...
( pop )
Hickies !
Oh, man, wait 'til
the guys at the office
get a load of this !
Do you wanna sleep
out in the yard ?
You mean
for a change ?
Uh, are your knees
cold, sir ?
Why, yes, they are
a little chilly.
No more frosty knees,
no, siree !
Wow !
They are warm !
Honey, how long
have we been married ?
And we don't have
any of these ?
All right, boys,
here's five bucks !
I'll take the whole
mess of 'em !
Five bucks ! Five bucks !
( man )
Now get out !
( both scream )
Ow ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh !
Aah ! Ow !
Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !
( Stimpy )
Whooooa !!
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™
Come back with us now
to those bygone days,
when the west was
brutal, untamed and lawless.
It took a special breed of man
to tame this country.
Men with
eyes like eagles,
reflexes like a rattler,
and the keen ruthless wits
of a panther on the prowl.
We's awful ignorant,
ain't we, Ewalt ?
And plumb
proud of it, Abner.
Ewalt ?
Yeah, Abner ?
What's ignorant mean ?
Danged if'n I know,
but we's it.
He he he he...
he he he he...
( snorting )
He he.
Hey, I'm bored.
You're smart enough
to be bored ?
Hey, watch
your dirty mouth !
( sighs )
So, what are
we gonna do today ?
Let's us hang somebody.
Yeah !
We ain't hanged nobody
in a long dang time.
Yeah...
Ewalt,
who we gonna hang ?
Mmm, how's about...
old lady crenshaw !
Yeah, yeah--
nah, we hanged her
yesterday.
Well, heck, we done just about
hanged everybody in town.
Hmm...
y'know, maybe we ought to hang
somebody that deserves it.
Ewww...
fooo...
( register dings )
I got it !
Let's hire us some
villains to hang.
Yeah, villains !
What are villains ?
I don't know !
( dopey sounds )
From out of
the long desert shadows,
ride two dangerous
desperados.
Three-fingered Hoek,
and his faithful sidekick,
stupid, the kid.
Duh, hello.
Onward they ride.
Raw, tough,
desperate...
small.
Hey, Stimpy, let's go down to
that little one-horse town
and see if we can
pick up some odd jobs,
pillaging and looting.
Pillage, pillage,
pillage.
Loot, loot, loot.
( Ren )
"Villins wanted."
( rings doorbell )
Excuse us,
Mr. Sheriff.
You needn't look
any further,
for it is we
who are your villains.
( ticking )
( "Jeopardy"-like theme )
Hmm...
oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh...
say, why don't you fellers
mosey over to my place
and steal my horse ?
'Cause there is nothing worse
than a horse thief.
Oop !
He he he he.
( horse neighing
& trotting )
Here is your horse
that we have stolen.
Gawd, Abner !
That's the ugliest
horse ever I did see.
( braying )
Hey, that's no horse.
That's my wife !
( coyote howl )
Ah, you boys
can keep her.
Just remember to brush her
and feed her twice today.
♪ She'll be driving six white
horses when she comes ♪
hey, Ren, he reminds me
of your uncle Eddie.
And why is that ?
'Cause he's
big and stinky.
Hey, you shouldn't say
mean things like that.
Did you ever consider that
this horse might have feelings ?
Now let's
steal that horse.
Yee-haw !
Whoopee !
( hooting )
( grunts )
So, it's the old steal-the-horse
bit again, is it ?
All right,
let's do it.
If we have to.
( flies buzzing )
( sloshing )
Hey, boss.
These guys just
stole me and...
well, sir,
I don't like it.
( "Jeopardy"-like theme )
They're horse thieves,
you morons !
Horse thieves !
Horse thieves !
Hang 'em !
Hang 'em !
( birds screeching )
( sniffling )
Hey, Stimpy,
I have a little
confession to make.
At night,
while you're asleep--
( sniffling )
I polish my boots
with your tongue.
That's okay, Ren,
I wasn't really asleep.
Ewalt,
would you be so kind
as to hang these
two young fellers ?
Hey, we can't
hang those guys.
The scrawny one don't
weigh enough
and the fat one
ain't got no neck.
Oh, who we
gonna hang now ?
I guess well have to
hang each other.
Ah !
Ah !
There's only one thing that
we like more than hangin'.
And that's
singin' and dancin'.
Come on, everybody,
let's have a hoedown.
( all )
♪ Ohh... ♪
♪ the lord loves a hangin'
that's why he give us necks ♪
♪ it tightens up
our vocal cords ♪
♪ and loosens up
our pecs ♪
♪ so if you are a horse thief
and guilty to the bone ♪
♪ go ahead and blame a friend
and you won't hang alone ♪
♪ it may be hard to swaller ♪
♪ but you'll be
three feet taller ♪
♪ and find new ways to
entertain your friends ♪
♪ you say you are a villain
but can't abide by killin' ♪
♪ go ahead and
steal yourself a horse ♪
2, 3, 11, "r", 5...
sing it, boys.
Ah-ha !
I'm a-pickin'.
And I'm a-swingin'.
I'm ignorant.
And I'm ugly.
( Stimpy )
That you are, boys.
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ the lord loves a hangin'
and so do we, by heck ♪
♪ so get yourself a lasso
and decorate your neck ♪
♪ oh, we is awful ignorant
and uglier than sin ♪
♪ so go ahead
and cut us down... ♪
♪ and hang us all again ♪
you...
hang him,
that is.
Swing a spell.
Yeeee-haw !
( music box
playing lullaby )
You know, Stimpy,
with your invention
and my savvy,
we'll corner
the rubber nipple market.
We'll be millionaires !
We'll rule
the world !!
Tsk, Ren !
I am not in this
for financial gain.
I have a dream...
I believe...
one day that everyone...
everywhere...
will know the wonders
of my nipples.
Fine !
You keep your dream,
and I'll keep the money.
( tearing )
( pop )
Now shut up
and drive !
I'm driving !
I'm driving !
( lullaby playing )
( tires screech )
I can hardly
contain myself !
Just where do you
think you're going ?
Duh, I was gonna sell
some rubber nipples.
You don't know
how to sell anything !
You can't even
whiz by yourself !
Now, stand back and watch
a real salesman at work.
Duh, okay, Ren.
( door opens )
Aaaaah !
I've had it
up to here !!
With the likes
of you people !
Whoops.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were A...
( whispering )
Circus midget.
I have a new dream,
Ren.
What's your dream ?
That some day...
that I will be
as good a salesman...
as you, Ren.
Now shut up and let me
do the talking !
( locks unlocking )
Do I know you ?
I don't think so.
Would you like
to take a look
at some fine
rubber nipples ?
Did my wife send you ?
No, sir.
But you look like someone
who could really use
some rubber nipples.
How do I know you're not
from the F.B.I. ?
Sir, I can assure you,
we're only salesmen.
All right,
so I made a mistake !
One mistake !
Can't a man
start over ?!
Do I have to
keep on paying ?!
Aah !
Maybe I should make
another mistake !
Maybe two more !
Please, sir, I think
one mistake is plenty !
Just let me show you
what's inside here !
Don't do it, man !
I'm not armed !
We really just
want to sell you
some rubber nipples !
See ?!
Oh !
It is a nipple.
Ha ha ha ha !
Oh, what you must
think of me.
Forget everything I said.
So, nipples, huh ?
Hmm...
no, sir, I don't think I have
any use for rubber nipples.
I'll tell you what,
though...
do you have any rubber
walrus protectors ?
Call the police !
Ren ? Ren ?
Ren ? Ren ?
Ren !!
What is it, man ?!
Oh, please, can I talk
at the next house ?!
Can I, can I, huh ?!
Oh, please, please,
please, can I, huh ?!
Get ahold
of yourself, man !
All right, all right !
Shut up and get
in the truck !
Joy !
( lullaby playing )
( truck door slams )
( bonk )
( door opens )
( inhales )
You promised !
Hello, sir.
Would you like to buy some
shiny new rubber nipples ?
I baked them myself !
Hmm...
nipples, huh ?
Let me ask the wife.
Honey, are we short on
rubber nipples ?
Now, dear, don't you go
buying new rubber nipples
when you don't use the ones
you already have.
Well, maybe I would if they
weren't all chewed up.
Come on in, boys.
Let's see
what you got.
Yee-hee !
Ah ha ha ha !
Ahem.
Well, sir, you know rubber
nipples have come a long way
since you were a child.
I bet you thought
rubber nipples
were just to put
in your mouth.
Well, yeah, actually.
Well, nowadays, there's
a thousand and one uses
for my handy-dandy
rubber nipples.
( drum roll )
Observe.
( Ren )
They're perfect for storing
your hair trimmings.
Now, there's something
the little woman can use !
They're perfect for getting
at those hard-to-reach places.
Just amazing !
They make great
finger gloves...
for when you have to touch
filthy and repulsive things.
I have to touch filthy and
repulsive things every day !
Don't I, honey ?
Watch me now.
( snorts )
Nose plugs !
And they make
wonderful rain hats.
They protect your eyes
from harmful U.V. Rays.
And they make...
great...
( pop )
Hickies !
Oh, man, wait 'til
the guys at the office
get a load of this !
Do you wanna sleep
out in the yard ?
You mean
for a change ?
Uh, are your knees
cold, sir ?
Why, yes, they are
a little chilly.
No more frosty knees,
no, siree !
Wow !
They are warm !
Honey, how long
have we been married ?
And we don't have
any of these ?
All right, boys,
here's five bucks !
I'll take the whole
mess of 'em !
Five bucks ! Five bucks !
( man )
Now get out !
( both scream )
Ow ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh !
Aah ! Ow !
Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !
( Stimpy )
Whooooa !!
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™