The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen - full transcript

( drums and bagpipes playing )

( narrator )
Our story begins
thousands of years ago--

1856 !

This is
the true-life drama

of the legendary...

we salute
these brave men

and their famous motto...

( slap )
Ouch !

Men, this is
a mission of glooorrry !

I need volunteers.

We need men,
big of heart...



big of courage...

big of spirit !

Only big men will do !

For those of you
who volunteer,

it means
certain death.

If you're lucky.

( breathes deeply )

You must
be very proud

to have an opportunity
like this.

You'll go down
in history.

This nation shall be
forged in your blood.

Not everyone
gets the chance

to sacrifice their lives
for such a noble cause.

You can make this land
a great place for our children



and their children's
children.

There is a great
wilderness out there

that you must tame.

Why ?

So that future generations
will live in freedom !

Think of it, man.

I can see it now.

Two color T.V.s
in every home.

A curling rock
in every garage,

and all because
selfless men like you

laid down your lives for
the kilted yaksmen !

( whimpering )

Don't do it
for yourself, man.

Do it for people
you'll never even meet !

Please !

Please let us sacrifice
for our country !

Me and Ren,
our lives are cheap.

Well, I don't know.

( Stimpy )
Oh, please !

I know we're
not worthy.

Aah !

Here !

Take this five bucks,
just let us serve !

Well...

okay.

Oh, thank you !

( kissing smacks )

Thank you !

I'm proud of you boys.

And while you brave men
seek your place in history,

the rest of us poor lads
must bear the shame

of having to
remain here,

with the women.

( wolf whistles )

Aah !

Those poor men.

Isn't it
a pity, Ren ?

( heaving )

Ooh !

Hmph !

And so, faithfully,
the two heroic yaksmen

began their journey across
the majestic wilderness

in search of the great,
the lost,

barren wasteland !

Onward they pressed through
the harsh Canadian tundra.

Facing hardship
after hardship.

( panting )

Ugh !

( pulsing )

( hail crashing down )

( flies buzzing )

( fart )

( plop )

( Indians whooping )

( roaring )

The Kodiak marmoset !

Yes, Canada's most
fearsome predator.

The Kodiak marmoset
is the world's largest--

smallest-- primate.

My god,
he's killing us !

Help !

Help !

( thunder cracks )

( monkeys screech )

Having weathered
the wintry tundra,

our heroes press on,

into the stinking hot depths
of the Canadian jungle.

( animals hooting )

Aah !

Ha !

( buzzing )

Ulp !

Aahhh !

Aah, aah, aah,
aahhh !

Aah, aah, aah...

aahhh !

Filthy...

starving...

exhausted...

our heroes wearily
continue on their search

for the great barren
wasteland.

( teeth chattering )

Stop !

I can't take it
any longer !

We are out of
food and water !

I feel I shall starve !

If we keep on going,
we will surely die !

I tell you
we must turn back !

Stop it, man !

You mustn't
say those things.

Remember the royal anthem
of the kilted yaksmen.

( whistle )

♪ Our country
reeks of trees ♪

♪ our yaks are
really large ♪

♪ and they smell like
rotting beef carcasses ♪

♪ and we have to
clean up after them ♪

♪ and our saddle sores
are the best ♪

♪ we proudly wear
women's clothing ♪

♪ and searing sand
blows up our skirts ♪

ow, ow...
ow, ow...

♪ and the buzzards,
they soar overhead ♪

♪ and poisonous snakes will
devour us whole ♪

♪ and our bones
will bleach in the sun ♪

that's it !

♪ And we will probably
go to-- ( fart ) ♪

♪ And that is
our great reward ♪

♪ for being the-uh Roy-Al ♪

♪ Canadian
kilted yaksmen ♪

come on, everybody !

( all singing )

Yay !
Whoo !

( hooting and cheering )

( bird screeches )

( Stimpy sings weakly )
♪ Our country
reeks of trees ♪

♪ our yaks are
really large ♪

♪ and they smell like
rotting beef carcasses ♪

♪ and we have to
clean up after them ♪

♪ and our saddle
sores are... ♪

shut up !

I can't stand it
anymore !

All the time
singing, singing !

Why won't he stop ?!

Listen,
do you hear it ?

Ha ha ha ha... !

( grunting )

( gurgles )

Ha ha ha ha... !

Rrrrr !

Aaaah !

Grrrr !

Aah !

Aah !

Grrrr... !

Grrrr... !

Grrrr...
grrrr--

Come to
your senses, man !

This is no time
for hysterics.

We've got
to pull together !

Thanks.

I needed that.

I'm all right now.

Good.

Now we have to sit down and
think how we can find food.

All right, think.

( crickets chirping )

( coyote howls )

( rooster crows )

( ding ding )

Of course !

What an ee-diot
I've been !

The answer's
right in front of us !

Look around you, men,
this is Canada.

So ?

And what is Canada's
greatest natural resource ?

Dirt ?

Yes, that's it !

We'll eat dirt !

Now all we have to do
is make a divining rod,

find a dirt vein
in the ground,

and eureka !

We'll have
a dirt feast !

Aah !
Aahaah !

We'll not sleep
hungry tonight.

( beeping )

Aah !

( slurping )

( hacking )

You fool !

You can't
just eat any dirt !

This is poison dirt !

I'll find the dirt
around here.

Everyone follow me.

Come on,
let's pick up the pace.

Psst...

this searching for dirt
is a bunch of bull.

I say we stay right here
and catch some "z"s.

Hmph !

( rumbling )

We did it,
we've struck dirt !

Yay !
Whoo-Hoo !

( crickets chirping )

( howls )

Dinner is served !

Fried dirt cakes
and dirt on the cob.

Huh, huh ?

Oh, boy,
here we go !

All right !

Wait !

We forgot
to say grace.

( angels singing )

Father...

we thank you for
this heap of dirt

thou hast
bestowed upon us.

Amen.
Amen.

Let's eat !

( crunching )

( all snoring )

( birds chirping )

( yawns )

( thumping )

( squeaking )

( triumphant trumpeting )

Yep, this is what
Canada's all about.

A belly
full of dirt,

a twinkle in your eye,

and a pine bow
in your kilt.

And so, with gratitude
in our kidneys

and a sense of
security in our pockets,

we must not forget
that we owe it all

to those two heroic men--

whose names
I can't remember--

but nonetheless, did not
give their lives in vain

for the royal Canadian
kilted yaksmen !

( horns honking )

( man )
What's the matter, kids,
feeling tired ?

Mm-hmm.
Mm-Hmm.

Listless ?

Mm-hmm.
Mm-Hmm.

Got no energy ?

Well, how would you like
to have as much energy

as America's
number one superhero,

powdered... toast... man !

( gasp )
( gasp )

Super powdered
energy !

Vital vitamin energy !

Leave everything to me !

Day after day,
after day...

feel that surge of power
rush through your kitchen.

How does powdered toastman
do it ?

Where does
he get the energy ?

Why, from powdered toast,
of course !

The only toast
that comes in a can.

And now you can get
your energy

the powdered toast way...

joy !
Joy !

When you sit down
to a nutritious breakfast

of powdered toast.

Mmm... mmm...

yum... yum...

wow !

It tastes
just like sawdust !

That's right !

And with just
one helping,

you'll feel
the instant energy surge

as it drives its way
into your vital areas,

giving you
the proportionate strength

of America's favorite
granulated hero !

And don't forget,

powdered toast
is jam-packed with...

vitamin "f" !

( explosion )

( fart )

Hey, kids !

Don't you know that
children can't fly ?

Aaah !
Aaah !

Aaah ! Aaah !

Aah, aah... aah, aah...

aaaaah !
Aaaaah !

Ha ha ha ha...

it may have
vitamin "f"

but powdered toast sure doesn't
make kids any smarter.

( rubber stretching )

( brakes squealing )

( whoopee cushion deflates )

( both )
Yay !

Powdered toastman !

Are we clinging tenaciously
to my buttocks ?

How can powdered toast
give you so much energy ?

Because it comes
in a can, stupid.

( sniffing )

Mmm, honey, did you
just cut the grass ?

Why, no, dear.

Just sitting down
to a hearty breakfast

of sugar sod pops.

Yeah, mom.

It's the breakfast treat that
tastes like a fresh-mowed lawn.

Well !

Here, honey...
try some.

Why, it's got that...

( gulps )

Just-raked freshness !

♪ If you like grass
if you like dirt ♪

♪ eat sugar sod pops
it can't hurt ! ♪

( man )
Yes, kids !

And,
in specially marked boxes

you get a free
praying mantis !

Only in sugar sod pops !

Captioning made possible by
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Captioned by
Soundwriters™