The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 3, Episode 1 - To Salve and Salve Not!/No Pants Today - full transcript
Capitalising on Stimpy's idiocy, a door-to-door salesman makes a nuisance of himself as he continually appears in surprising places to pressure Stimpy to buy his Salve product. Next, Stimpy is worried when he discovers that he has no pants to wear, and embarks on a grand mission through city and country to attain some.
( laughter )
( doorbell )
( Stimpy )
Why sure,
I'll take one.
4,095, 4,098, 7,000.
There you go,
thanks again.
Hey, Ren !
Guess what ?
Let's see.
Am I going to have
to kill you ?
Maybe.
Well, who was it ?
It was a nice man
who will change
the way we live forever.
What are you talking
about, you idiot ?
Wait here,
I'll be right back.
What, I suppose you bought
another stupid subscrip--
huh ?
Hey, Ren, look
what I just bought.
Why, I oughta...
hold it.
Before you smack me,
let me extol the virtues
of this wondrous
time-Saving device.
Ahem...
allow me to demonstrate
the full capabilities of
the one and
only titan 4,000.
This baby has
600 cubic inches of raw,
dirt-destroying,
carpet-Ripping horsepower.
From its turbocharged,
fully blown hemi.
Allow me to
demonstrate.
Stimpy, I am really going
to enjoy beating you this--
coming through !
And it can suck
a monkey through
30 feet of garden hose.
( gasp )
( screaming )
See, Ren.
It's the last word in
domestic technology.
( screaming )
Must save the brain !
And it's ours for only
12,000 easy monthly payments.
( snoring )
( doorbell )
Joy !
Howdy-do, neighbor !
You look like a man who could
use a good can of salve !
Well, I--
what's salve, you say ?
Why, it's the wonderful
goop with a jillion uses.
Where would we be today
without salve ?
I--
let me ask
you a question.
How do you think
George Washington
fit into his
party dress ?
Hmm...
salve !
Let me ask you
a personal question.
How do you think Columbus
discovered scurvy ?
S-s-salve ?
That's absolutely
kee-Rrect !
What do you say, pal ?
How many cans can
I put you down for ?
Hey, Ren,
let's buy some--
how dare you take advantage
of my blithering idiot !
Now take your smelly old
salve and get outta here.
That's for you.
Ah !
Eee !
Ah !
Hmm...
( laughing )
Hmm...
( struggling )
Knock, knock !
( gasping )
Having trouble
with your hair ?
Nothing a healthy dollop of
salve couldn't take care of.
In fact, we can fashion
a whole new hairstyle.
( screeching )
( door slamming )
Get down from there !
How many times do
I have to tell you ?
Stay outta my stuff !
Playing with makeup
is for grownups--
not boys like you.
Maybe someday,
when you're a grown
man like me.
( screaming )
Here, why don't you
keep yourself busy
and clean up this mess.
That oughtta keep you away
from any more stupid salesman.
Okay, Ren.
What's the matter, bub ?
Out of soap again ?
Well, who needs it ?
Why wash away dirt
the old-fashioned way,
when you can hide it
the all-new salve way ?
A little dab'll do ya.
And how 'bout
that lemony scent ?
I'll buy it !
( Ren )
Hey !
Drop that salve !
We... don't...
want... no...
salve !
( burbling )
Salve would do wonders
on these rusty pipes...
hey, Stimpy, hurry up
with that jelly sandwich.
Five, four, nine,
12, one, bingo !
Hey, don't use jelly,
have a salve-wich instead.
It's indigestible !
Wow !
Gimme 100 bucks worth !
All right, that's it !
What did I tell you about
buying ointment from food ?
I've had it !
I'll show you what we do
to parasitic salesmen
pigs like you.
I'll teach you to swindle
my idiot sidekick.
Oww, oww, oww !
Well, that's that.
( whistling )
( growling )
( laughing )
Well, I finally got rid
of that pesky salesman.
Now to relax
with a good book.
Wha ?
Psst, hey buddy.
You wouldn't be
in this mess now
if you had a can
of salve on hand.
I can take it no longer.
You win.
I'll buy a stinkin' can
of your stupid salve.
Sorry, pal, but your
stupid fat friend just
bought all my salve !
( crying )
Hee !
♪ Happy happy joy joy ♪
( gurgling )
♪ Happy happy joy joy ♪
( humming )
♪ La la la la
joy joy ♪
Ren, have you
seen my pants ?
Huh, what ?
I can't find my pants.
Shut up, you fool.
You're a cat,
you don't have any pants.
And I'm trying to sleep,
so keep quiet... stupid.
I'm naked under
this towel.
What am I gonna do ?
You're going to stop this
naked foolery and go outside.
Oww !
Right now !
It's too nice a day
to be stupid indoors.
Hey, lady, can
I borrow those pants ?
Why, certainly--
eek !
A naked cat !
Honey, make it go away !
You there.
Running around naked in
front of god-fearing people.
Aren't you ashamed ?
We know how to take care of
filthy little beasts like you.
( gurgling )
Taste the wrath of my hose,
you heathen cat !
I guess I showed you who wears
the pants in this neighborhood.
Ahh, I'm safe.
( chain saw buzzing )
♪ Little tree
little tree ♪
( humming )
( crash )
Yee-ha !
( gasping )
It's victor,
the neighborhood sadist.
( humming )
Adios, tree !
Haha, yee-ha !
Well, what have we here ?
Naked, huh ?
I know what
that's like.
Bet you'd like
a pair of these.
( laughing )
Yeah.
Oh, no you don't,
it's not that easy.
Hmm... I know !
We can make a trade !
But I'm naked,
I have nothing to trade.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you my B.V.D.s,
if you let me...
slug you in
the stomach !
But I don't want you to
slug me in the stomach.
It's all right,
I'm a professional bully.
Well, okay.
Now just relax and think of
something really pleasant
because this is
really gonna hurt.
Happy, happy...
joy, joy...
( revving engine )
Whew... man.
This stomach-pounding
stuff is hard work.
Can I have your
underwear now ?
Why, of course.
We bullies always live
up to our promises.
We have a code.
But, uh...
we can't do it here.
We'll have to take
a drive in the country.
Who's the punk, son ?
Oh, he's just a stupid cat
I promised my underwear to.
Yeah, you promised.
That's not the Christmas
underwear your mother
embroidered, is it ?
Umm, yes, sir.
You know, son,
it'll break your mother's
heart if you give them away.
You're right, dad.
You promised,
you promised !
( crying )
I'll tell you what,
you can have my underwear.
Yeah, it's June.
I gotta change
'em anyway.
Ah !
♪ Look what I have
for you ♪
that's right,
jump for daddy.
( blubbering )
You promised.
All right,
you little crybaby.
Crybaby, crybaby !
There you go.
Joy !
Hmm, kinda baggy
in the derriere.
Son, get some rope,
tie those up for him.
Okay, pop.
You happy ?
Good, now get out !
( laughing )
Whoa !
( crash )
I'm beat-up, dirty,
and lost in the woods.
But I got my pants !
( male voice )
All right, buddy,
reach for the sky.
Don't turn around !
Now hand over
your underpants.
Pronto, moo !
Come on, come on.
This thing hasn't been
milked in two weeks.
It could go off
at any second.
Ah !
Say, aren't these
just Jim dandy !
Mmm, warm and snug,
just like I like 'em.
Hey, turn around, Nancy.
Oh !
That's pretty.
You've been kind enough
to give me your pants,
so I'm gonna help
you on your way.
Now you just
wait right here.
I'll be right back.
He's such a nice cow.
Good luck, son,
you'll need it.
Moo !
( voices )
Where's your clothes, man ?
Where's your
clothes, boy ?
Filthy little monkey.
Dirty little boy.
Run, run...
have you no shame ?
Nowhere to hide.
( chanting )
Where's your pants ?
Where's your pants...
( teeth chattering )
All right, what seems
to be the problem here ?
I don't--
I don't have any pants.
Hmm, thunderation, boy !
You're as naked as
the day you was born.
Where's your
doggone clothes ?
We don't cotton to you sick
nudist types around here.
Maybe you can get away
with that in the city,
but not in this
neck of the woods.
But I wanna
wear clothes !
Oh, well,
that's different.
Why don't you take this
and cover yourself.
Oh, nice !
Not only did I save
my reputation,
but now I'm
a trendsetter.
Yeah !
I'll see you later.
Sicko.
And that's what
happened, Ren.
How many times
have I told you ?
You're a cat,
you don't need pants.
However, this lovely gown
might look nice on you.
And here's one for
your little friend.
( screaming )
Well, I do have to admit,
we do look divine.
Let's go down to the malt shop
and show off our new outfits.
Okay, gals ?
( giggling )
( cackling )
( doorbell )
( Stimpy )
Why sure,
I'll take one.
4,095, 4,098, 7,000.
There you go,
thanks again.
Hey, Ren !
Guess what ?
Let's see.
Am I going to have
to kill you ?
Maybe.
Well, who was it ?
It was a nice man
who will change
the way we live forever.
What are you talking
about, you idiot ?
Wait here,
I'll be right back.
What, I suppose you bought
another stupid subscrip--
huh ?
Hey, Ren, look
what I just bought.
Why, I oughta...
hold it.
Before you smack me,
let me extol the virtues
of this wondrous
time-Saving device.
Ahem...
allow me to demonstrate
the full capabilities of
the one and
only titan 4,000.
This baby has
600 cubic inches of raw,
dirt-destroying,
carpet-Ripping horsepower.
From its turbocharged,
fully blown hemi.
Allow me to
demonstrate.
Stimpy, I am really going
to enjoy beating you this--
coming through !
And it can suck
a monkey through
30 feet of garden hose.
( gasp )
( screaming )
See, Ren.
It's the last word in
domestic technology.
( screaming )
Must save the brain !
And it's ours for only
12,000 easy monthly payments.
( snoring )
( doorbell )
Joy !
Howdy-do, neighbor !
You look like a man who could
use a good can of salve !
Well, I--
what's salve, you say ?
Why, it's the wonderful
goop with a jillion uses.
Where would we be today
without salve ?
I--
let me ask
you a question.
How do you think
George Washington
fit into his
party dress ?
Hmm...
salve !
Let me ask you
a personal question.
How do you think Columbus
discovered scurvy ?
S-s-salve ?
That's absolutely
kee-Rrect !
What do you say, pal ?
How many cans can
I put you down for ?
Hey, Ren,
let's buy some--
how dare you take advantage
of my blithering idiot !
Now take your smelly old
salve and get outta here.
That's for you.
Ah !
Eee !
Ah !
Hmm...
( laughing )
Hmm...
( struggling )
Knock, knock !
( gasping )
Having trouble
with your hair ?
Nothing a healthy dollop of
salve couldn't take care of.
In fact, we can fashion
a whole new hairstyle.
( screeching )
( door slamming )
Get down from there !
How many times do
I have to tell you ?
Stay outta my stuff !
Playing with makeup
is for grownups--
not boys like you.
Maybe someday,
when you're a grown
man like me.
( screaming )
Here, why don't you
keep yourself busy
and clean up this mess.
That oughtta keep you away
from any more stupid salesman.
Okay, Ren.
What's the matter, bub ?
Out of soap again ?
Well, who needs it ?
Why wash away dirt
the old-fashioned way,
when you can hide it
the all-new salve way ?
A little dab'll do ya.
And how 'bout
that lemony scent ?
I'll buy it !
( Ren )
Hey !
Drop that salve !
We... don't...
want... no...
salve !
( burbling )
Salve would do wonders
on these rusty pipes...
hey, Stimpy, hurry up
with that jelly sandwich.
Five, four, nine,
12, one, bingo !
Hey, don't use jelly,
have a salve-wich instead.
It's indigestible !
Wow !
Gimme 100 bucks worth !
All right, that's it !
What did I tell you about
buying ointment from food ?
I've had it !
I'll show you what we do
to parasitic salesmen
pigs like you.
I'll teach you to swindle
my idiot sidekick.
Oww, oww, oww !
Well, that's that.
( whistling )
( growling )
( laughing )
Well, I finally got rid
of that pesky salesman.
Now to relax
with a good book.
Wha ?
Psst, hey buddy.
You wouldn't be
in this mess now
if you had a can
of salve on hand.
I can take it no longer.
You win.
I'll buy a stinkin' can
of your stupid salve.
Sorry, pal, but your
stupid fat friend just
bought all my salve !
( crying )
Hee !
♪ Happy happy joy joy ♪
( gurgling )
♪ Happy happy joy joy ♪
( humming )
♪ La la la la
joy joy ♪
Ren, have you
seen my pants ?
Huh, what ?
I can't find my pants.
Shut up, you fool.
You're a cat,
you don't have any pants.
And I'm trying to sleep,
so keep quiet... stupid.
I'm naked under
this towel.
What am I gonna do ?
You're going to stop this
naked foolery and go outside.
Oww !
Right now !
It's too nice a day
to be stupid indoors.
Hey, lady, can
I borrow those pants ?
Why, certainly--
eek !
A naked cat !
Honey, make it go away !
You there.
Running around naked in
front of god-fearing people.
Aren't you ashamed ?
We know how to take care of
filthy little beasts like you.
( gurgling )
Taste the wrath of my hose,
you heathen cat !
I guess I showed you who wears
the pants in this neighborhood.
Ahh, I'm safe.
( chain saw buzzing )
♪ Little tree
little tree ♪
( humming )
( crash )
Yee-ha !
( gasping )
It's victor,
the neighborhood sadist.
( humming )
Adios, tree !
Haha, yee-ha !
Well, what have we here ?
Naked, huh ?
I know what
that's like.
Bet you'd like
a pair of these.
( laughing )
Yeah.
Oh, no you don't,
it's not that easy.
Hmm... I know !
We can make a trade !
But I'm naked,
I have nothing to trade.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you my B.V.D.s,
if you let me...
slug you in
the stomach !
But I don't want you to
slug me in the stomach.
It's all right,
I'm a professional bully.
Well, okay.
Now just relax and think of
something really pleasant
because this is
really gonna hurt.
Happy, happy...
joy, joy...
( revving engine )
Whew... man.
This stomach-pounding
stuff is hard work.
Can I have your
underwear now ?
Why, of course.
We bullies always live
up to our promises.
We have a code.
But, uh...
we can't do it here.
We'll have to take
a drive in the country.
Who's the punk, son ?
Oh, he's just a stupid cat
I promised my underwear to.
Yeah, you promised.
That's not the Christmas
underwear your mother
embroidered, is it ?
Umm, yes, sir.
You know, son,
it'll break your mother's
heart if you give them away.
You're right, dad.
You promised,
you promised !
( crying )
I'll tell you what,
you can have my underwear.
Yeah, it's June.
I gotta change
'em anyway.
Ah !
♪ Look what I have
for you ♪
that's right,
jump for daddy.
( blubbering )
You promised.
All right,
you little crybaby.
Crybaby, crybaby !
There you go.
Joy !
Hmm, kinda baggy
in the derriere.
Son, get some rope,
tie those up for him.
Okay, pop.
You happy ?
Good, now get out !
( laughing )
Whoa !
( crash )
I'm beat-up, dirty,
and lost in the woods.
But I got my pants !
( male voice )
All right, buddy,
reach for the sky.
Don't turn around !
Now hand over
your underpants.
Pronto, moo !
Come on, come on.
This thing hasn't been
milked in two weeks.
It could go off
at any second.
Ah !
Say, aren't these
just Jim dandy !
Mmm, warm and snug,
just like I like 'em.
Hey, turn around, Nancy.
Oh !
That's pretty.
You've been kind enough
to give me your pants,
so I'm gonna help
you on your way.
Now you just
wait right here.
I'll be right back.
He's such a nice cow.
Good luck, son,
you'll need it.
Moo !
( voices )
Where's your clothes, man ?
Where's your
clothes, boy ?
Filthy little monkey.
Dirty little boy.
Run, run...
have you no shame ?
Nowhere to hide.
( chanting )
Where's your pants ?
Where's your pants...
( teeth chattering )
All right, what seems
to be the problem here ?
I don't--
I don't have any pants.
Hmm, thunderation, boy !
You're as naked as
the day you was born.
Where's your
doggone clothes ?
We don't cotton to you sick
nudist types around here.
Maybe you can get away
with that in the city,
but not in this
neck of the woods.
But I wanna
wear clothes !
Oh, well,
that's different.
Why don't you take this
and cover yourself.
Oh, nice !
Not only did I save
my reputation,
but now I'm
a trendsetter.
Yeah !
I'll see you later.
Sicko.
And that's what
happened, Ren.
How many times
have I told you ?
You're a cat,
you don't need pants.
However, this lovely gown
might look nice on you.
And here's one for
your little friend.
( screaming )
Well, I do have to admit,
we do look divine.
Let's go down to the malt shop
and show off our new outfits.
Okay, gals ?
( giggling )
( cackling )