The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 2, Episode 10 - Stimpy's Fan Club - full transcript
Ren's jealousy drives him to distraction when day after day, the mailman dumps mountains of fan mail addressed to Stimpy only. Stimpy appeases Ren's feelings of worthlessness by appointing him president of the Official Stimpy Fan Club. Can Ren put his feelings aside in order to perform the delicate duties involved in receiving and replying to the inexhaustible stream of Stimpy's fan mail?
( squeaking )
( dings )
Oh, joy !
Look at all
this fan mail !
Mm-hmm !
Where to start,
where to start.
Yes !
Look, Ren,
one for me !
And here's one...
for you, too.
Wow !
Another one
for me !
Another one for you.
Me, me, me.
For you, you, you !
Me, me, me !
You, you, you !
Me, me !
You, you !
Me !
You !
You ! Me !
Me !
You !
And the last
one's for...
me !
Oh, boy !
I sure love reading
fan mail, Ren.
Don't you ?
Oh, yeah,
it's great.
Great for you !
( chattering )
Yeah, sure,
everybody loves you.
People always love
the stupid one !
But nobody
ever loves the jerk.
Everybody hates me.
( crying )
( sniffles )
Now, Ren,
nobody hates you.
Oh, come on,
let's face the truth.
You've been carrying
me, I know !
I know that !
It's you
they love.
But I need love, too !
I just want
to be loved
and important,
like you.
Is that so wrong ?
( whimpering )
( bawling )
Oh, my.
I know how you
can be important, Ren.
Yeah, sure.
I know how you can
be really important.
Really important ?
How ?
You can be
the president...
of my fan club.
The president ?
Wow !
President !
What do you mean,
you don't agree with me ?
Do you know who you're
dealing with ?!
( buzzing )
( explosion )
( maniacal laughter )
I'll do it !
( "Hail to the Chief" plays )
( Stimpy )
Well, Mr. President,
ready for your first
day in office ?
Oh, yeah !
Okay, then, all you do
is answer the fan mail
in that pile
and then you
put it right in here--
hey, you're talking to
the president, man.
Yes, sir !
Carry on, then.
( humming )
( little boy )
"Dear Stimpy,
my name is Sammy.
I am eight years old,
and in the third grade."
Oh, that's cute.
"I like you on Tv.
"You are my
favorite Tv puppet.
"I know all the words
to your show.
"I want to be just
like you when I grow up.
From Sam."
Hmm.
( Ren )
Dear Sam,
thank you for the letter.
I am sure that if you
watch my show enough,
you will turn out
just like me.
Yeah, brain dead.
Your pal, Stimpy.
( sighs )
( little girl )
"Dear Stimpy,
I love you.
"You are funny.
"You are the funniest
in the whole world.
"And you are
the nicest, too.
"You are nice to everybody,
"even that ugly thing
who yells at you.
"What is he,
anyway ?
A mosquito ?"
What ?!
"Your biggest fan,
Cindy."
Oh, you're asking for it !
( Ren )
Dear Cindy, there's
no such thing as me.
I am just a cartoon,
you idiot.
I bet you even
believe in the tooth beaver.
Love, Stimpy.
( crumpling )
Hey, this job's easy.
( boy )
"Dear Stimpy,
"I have A... secret.
"I know I can tell you
because you are nice
"and would not tell anybody.
"I'm afraid
to tell my friends,
"because they'll laugh.
Aw.
"I know you would
never laugh at me.
Mm-mm !
"So, here's my secret.
Every night,
I wet the bed."
( gasps )
"I can't help it !
"Please tell me
what to do.
Your friend, johnny."
( Ren )
Dear johnny,
you make me sick !
You probably wet the bed
on purpose.
I have written letters to
everybody at your school,
warning them never
to sleep over with you.
Your friend--
Ren !
For shame.
Wetting the bed is nothing
to be ashamed of.
Lots of kids do it.
Hmm.
You and I
still do it.
Shh !
You're right, Stimpy.
Little johnny needed help,
and I laughed at him.
I don't
deserve to live.
Here, pal.
Go ahead,
cut me !
Come on, man !
Do us all
a favor !
Hmm ?
Hmm.
Hmm...
hmm...
no, Ren.
( distant scream )
There'll be no letting
of blood today.
I think you've
learned your lesson.
You're right, Stimpy.
I promise to be more kind
and compassionate,
in my duties
as president.
Good for you, Ren.
( cracking )
( humming )
( girl )
"Dear Stimpy,
"I have a boyfriend,
but he is always mean to me.
"My only friends are
you and my Tv,
"and I know you
would never be mean to me.
"You are the kindest,
"most lovingest guy
in the whole world !
"Why can't boys be
more like you ?
"I love you.
Deborah."
Hmm.
( dinging )
( Ren )
"Dear Deborah,
"your problem is
clear to me.
"The reason your
boyfriend is mean to you,
"is probably because
you're too stupid.
"But don't worry,
"maybe someday
you'll be as stupid as I am,
"and then everyone
will love you
"as much as
they do me.
Your stupid friend,
Stimpy."
( humming )
How's it going, Ren ?
Buddy, you'd be proud
of your president.
( girl )
Dear Stimpy,
you are the funniest...
( girl )
Dear Stimpy...
( girl )
Dear Stimpy...
I love you...
the most lovingest guy...
what is he,
anyway ?
Dear Stimpy...
a mosquito ?
( electronically distorted )
At last I have control of
your Tv set !
Is your mother there ?
No ?
Good !
Welcome to our secret
headquarters.
Deep inside the lower
intestine of a sperm whale !
Oh, god !
God !
I can't
stand it !
Make the pain stop !
Well, Stimpy,
it's time to induct
another member into
the fan club.
Does the subject qualify ?
Well, here's her
vital statistics.
Her name is Susan fout,
she's 15, human,
from Pennsylvania, and--
shut up, you fool !
Did she bring
the money ?
( register dinging )
A cool million
in small change.
( disappointed )
She qualifies.
And now, Susan fout,
as proof of your loyalty,
kindly recite the oath
of servitude.
I Susan fout, human,
promise to watch
the Ren and Stimpy show
over and over again
until my
eyeballs implode,
even if it goes into
10 years of reruns !
And ?
I promise to memorize
whole episodes
and recite
the lines shamelessly
in unwelcome situations.
And, and ?
Oh, yeah !
I promise to wear
unwashed lederhosen
( all )
Every single day
of the rest of my life !
That's it !
You're in our
secret club !
Step this way,
to the honored seat
for new club members.
( clanking )
Remember, reveal what
you've seen here
and we'll tear
your tonsils out.
Okay, kids.
It's back to
our secret cartoon.
( ticking )
I...
I was
nice today.
Nice to all those insipid
little monkeys.
Answering their
stupid letters.
My hands...
dirty.
The dirt
won't come off !
( screaming )
President.
What a joke.
President.
President of what ?
His fan club.
How they
love him !
Look at him.
Lying there,
asleep.
The idol
of millions.
He's a fool !
A blind,
silly little fool !
How easily I could
end the farce
with these hands,
these
dirty hands !
And with these hands,
I hold the fate
of millions.
They think
he's a god.
But he's as mortal
as we.
I know !
( sawing )
Just one
quick twist !
And it's over.
Just one.
Just...
( screaming )
It's happening
again !
My brain !
My hot,
stinging brain !
( screaming )
( giggling )
Stupid fan mail.
( snickering )
I'll fix him.
I'll take care of this
letter business
once and for all.
( doorbell ringing )
( man )
Mailman.
Got some mail here.
( engine revving )
Ah, hello,
Mr. Cat.
You're looking healthy
this morning.
Shut up !
Duh, I don't want any more
of your filthy letters.
Your services
are not welcome here,
and, duh, tell those pesky
kids to stop writing me.
Stimpson J. Cat !
Duh !
Ah, whatever you say.
Actually, I only have
one letter today.
And it's
for Mr. Hoek.
I guess I'll just throw
this one out.
Give me that !
( laughing )
A letter for me !
A letter for me !
Nothing for
Stimpy !
No, no, no !
Mr. Ren Hoek !
( giggling )
That's what
it says !
Good morning, Ren.
( snickering )
You.
You and your
fan mail,
Mr. Fan club.
Everybody loves you,
don't they ?
Well, guess what
the mailman brought you today ?
Nothing !
This letter's
for me !
See ?
You they
have forgotten !
Now it's me
they love !
It is I that
am most loved !
I, who shall rule !
( panting )
( ripping )
Oh, yes,
this is the proof !
This is the proof that
you are finished !
Listen, here's
what it says.
"Dear Ren,"
that's me !
That's me !
"You are my
favorite Tv star.
"Nobody, nobody is as funny
or as smart as you."
You see ?
Are you
getting this ?
I am the best !
I am king !
Listen to this,
you may learn something.
"I wish I could be
just like you."
How about that ?
A fan with
some ambition !
"You are my favorite person
in the whole wide world."
Ha !
"Love--"
he says love.
"Your pal...
Stimpy."
( donkey braying )
Oh, Stimpy,
I'm so ashamed.
I meant every word.
( wailing )
There, there, Ren,
there, there.
Look at me,
big, mean Ren,
crying like a baby.
Pretty pathetic,
huh ?
Oh, pshaw.
No one will
ever know.
You just cry your
little eyes out.
( weeping )
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™
( dings )
Oh, joy !
Look at all
this fan mail !
Mm-hmm !
Where to start,
where to start.
Yes !
Look, Ren,
one for me !
And here's one...
for you, too.
Wow !
Another one
for me !
Another one for you.
Me, me, me.
For you, you, you !
Me, me, me !
You, you, you !
Me, me !
You, you !
Me !
You !
You ! Me !
Me !
You !
And the last
one's for...
me !
Oh, boy !
I sure love reading
fan mail, Ren.
Don't you ?
Oh, yeah,
it's great.
Great for you !
( chattering )
Yeah, sure,
everybody loves you.
People always love
the stupid one !
But nobody
ever loves the jerk.
Everybody hates me.
( crying )
( sniffles )
Now, Ren,
nobody hates you.
Oh, come on,
let's face the truth.
You've been carrying
me, I know !
I know that !
It's you
they love.
But I need love, too !
I just want
to be loved
and important,
like you.
Is that so wrong ?
( whimpering )
( bawling )
Oh, my.
I know how you
can be important, Ren.
Yeah, sure.
I know how you can
be really important.
Really important ?
How ?
You can be
the president...
of my fan club.
The president ?
Wow !
President !
What do you mean,
you don't agree with me ?
Do you know who you're
dealing with ?!
( buzzing )
( explosion )
( maniacal laughter )
I'll do it !
( "Hail to the Chief" plays )
( Stimpy )
Well, Mr. President,
ready for your first
day in office ?
Oh, yeah !
Okay, then, all you do
is answer the fan mail
in that pile
and then you
put it right in here--
hey, you're talking to
the president, man.
Yes, sir !
Carry on, then.
( humming )
( little boy )
"Dear Stimpy,
my name is Sammy.
I am eight years old,
and in the third grade."
Oh, that's cute.
"I like you on Tv.
"You are my
favorite Tv puppet.
"I know all the words
to your show.
"I want to be just
like you when I grow up.
From Sam."
Hmm.
( Ren )
Dear Sam,
thank you for the letter.
I am sure that if you
watch my show enough,
you will turn out
just like me.
Yeah, brain dead.
Your pal, Stimpy.
( sighs )
( little girl )
"Dear Stimpy,
I love you.
"You are funny.
"You are the funniest
in the whole world.
"And you are
the nicest, too.
"You are nice to everybody,
"even that ugly thing
who yells at you.
"What is he,
anyway ?
A mosquito ?"
What ?!
"Your biggest fan,
Cindy."
Oh, you're asking for it !
( Ren )
Dear Cindy, there's
no such thing as me.
I am just a cartoon,
you idiot.
I bet you even
believe in the tooth beaver.
Love, Stimpy.
( crumpling )
Hey, this job's easy.
( boy )
"Dear Stimpy,
"I have A... secret.
"I know I can tell you
because you are nice
"and would not tell anybody.
"I'm afraid
to tell my friends,
"because they'll laugh.
Aw.
"I know you would
never laugh at me.
Mm-mm !
"So, here's my secret.
Every night,
I wet the bed."
( gasps )
"I can't help it !
"Please tell me
what to do.
Your friend, johnny."
( Ren )
Dear johnny,
you make me sick !
You probably wet the bed
on purpose.
I have written letters to
everybody at your school,
warning them never
to sleep over with you.
Your friend--
Ren !
For shame.
Wetting the bed is nothing
to be ashamed of.
Lots of kids do it.
Hmm.
You and I
still do it.
Shh !
You're right, Stimpy.
Little johnny needed help,
and I laughed at him.
I don't
deserve to live.
Here, pal.
Go ahead,
cut me !
Come on, man !
Do us all
a favor !
Hmm ?
Hmm.
Hmm...
hmm...
no, Ren.
( distant scream )
There'll be no letting
of blood today.
I think you've
learned your lesson.
You're right, Stimpy.
I promise to be more kind
and compassionate,
in my duties
as president.
Good for you, Ren.
( cracking )
( humming )
( girl )
"Dear Stimpy,
"I have a boyfriend,
but he is always mean to me.
"My only friends are
you and my Tv,
"and I know you
would never be mean to me.
"You are the kindest,
"most lovingest guy
in the whole world !
"Why can't boys be
more like you ?
"I love you.
Deborah."
Hmm.
( dinging )
( Ren )
"Dear Deborah,
"your problem is
clear to me.
"The reason your
boyfriend is mean to you,
"is probably because
you're too stupid.
"But don't worry,
"maybe someday
you'll be as stupid as I am,
"and then everyone
will love you
"as much as
they do me.
Your stupid friend,
Stimpy."
( humming )
How's it going, Ren ?
Buddy, you'd be proud
of your president.
( girl )
Dear Stimpy,
you are the funniest...
( girl )
Dear Stimpy...
( girl )
Dear Stimpy...
I love you...
the most lovingest guy...
what is he,
anyway ?
Dear Stimpy...
a mosquito ?
( electronically distorted )
At last I have control of
your Tv set !
Is your mother there ?
No ?
Good !
Welcome to our secret
headquarters.
Deep inside the lower
intestine of a sperm whale !
Oh, god !
God !
I can't
stand it !
Make the pain stop !
Well, Stimpy,
it's time to induct
another member into
the fan club.
Does the subject qualify ?
Well, here's her
vital statistics.
Her name is Susan fout,
she's 15, human,
from Pennsylvania, and--
shut up, you fool !
Did she bring
the money ?
( register dinging )
A cool million
in small change.
( disappointed )
She qualifies.
And now, Susan fout,
as proof of your loyalty,
kindly recite the oath
of servitude.
I Susan fout, human,
promise to watch
the Ren and Stimpy show
over and over again
until my
eyeballs implode,
even if it goes into
10 years of reruns !
And ?
I promise to memorize
whole episodes
and recite
the lines shamelessly
in unwelcome situations.
And, and ?
Oh, yeah !
I promise to wear
unwashed lederhosen
( all )
Every single day
of the rest of my life !
That's it !
You're in our
secret club !
Step this way,
to the honored seat
for new club members.
( clanking )
Remember, reveal what
you've seen here
and we'll tear
your tonsils out.
Okay, kids.
It's back to
our secret cartoon.
( ticking )
I...
I was
nice today.
Nice to all those insipid
little monkeys.
Answering their
stupid letters.
My hands...
dirty.
The dirt
won't come off !
( screaming )
President.
What a joke.
President.
President of what ?
His fan club.
How they
love him !
Look at him.
Lying there,
asleep.
The idol
of millions.
He's a fool !
A blind,
silly little fool !
How easily I could
end the farce
with these hands,
these
dirty hands !
And with these hands,
I hold the fate
of millions.
They think
he's a god.
But he's as mortal
as we.
I know !
( sawing )
Just one
quick twist !
And it's over.
Just one.
Just...
( screaming )
It's happening
again !
My brain !
My hot,
stinging brain !
( screaming )
( giggling )
Stupid fan mail.
( snickering )
I'll fix him.
I'll take care of this
letter business
once and for all.
( doorbell ringing )
( man )
Mailman.
Got some mail here.
( engine revving )
Ah, hello,
Mr. Cat.
You're looking healthy
this morning.
Shut up !
Duh, I don't want any more
of your filthy letters.
Your services
are not welcome here,
and, duh, tell those pesky
kids to stop writing me.
Stimpson J. Cat !
Duh !
Ah, whatever you say.
Actually, I only have
one letter today.
And it's
for Mr. Hoek.
I guess I'll just throw
this one out.
Give me that !
( laughing )
A letter for me !
A letter for me !
Nothing for
Stimpy !
No, no, no !
Mr. Ren Hoek !
( giggling )
That's what
it says !
Good morning, Ren.
( snickering )
You.
You and your
fan mail,
Mr. Fan club.
Everybody loves you,
don't they ?
Well, guess what
the mailman brought you today ?
Nothing !
This letter's
for me !
See ?
You they
have forgotten !
Now it's me
they love !
It is I that
am most loved !
I, who shall rule !
( panting )
( ripping )
Oh, yes,
this is the proof !
This is the proof that
you are finished !
Listen, here's
what it says.
"Dear Ren,"
that's me !
That's me !
"You are my
favorite Tv star.
"Nobody, nobody is as funny
or as smart as you."
You see ?
Are you
getting this ?
I am the best !
I am king !
Listen to this,
you may learn something.
"I wish I could be
just like you."
How about that ?
A fan with
some ambition !
"You are my favorite person
in the whole wide world."
Ha !
"Love--"
he says love.
"Your pal...
Stimpy."
( donkey braying )
Oh, Stimpy,
I'm so ashamed.
I meant every word.
( wailing )
There, there, Ren,
there, there.
Look at me,
big, mean Ren,
crying like a baby.
Pretty pathetic,
huh ?
Oh, pshaw.
No one will
ever know.
You just cry your
little eyes out.
( weeping )
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
Soundwriters™