The Reluctant Traveler (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - South Africa - full transcript

A great philosopher
once said, "The world is a book,

and those who don't travel
read only one page."

Well, I've gotta say,

I've read a few pages,
and I'm not crazy about the book.

I don't look forward to traveling
for a number of reasons.

When it's too cold,

I'm not comfortable.

Ice swimming, naked?

- Yes.
- Well, that's a terrific invitation.

When it's too warm, guess what?
I'm not comfortable.

I can't move that fast.



- But I'm 75.
- You need some help?

No, I got it.

And maybe it's time to expand my horizons.

Oh, my God.

First time I've had my hand
up an elephant's ass.

On the plus side,

I'm staying at some unbelievable hotels.

Oh, my. This is spectacular.

The catch is, I've also agreed
to explore what lies outside.

- Watch your step.
- No kidding.

- Beautiful mountain.
- That's a volcano.

That's a volcano?

A world I've spent my whole life avoiding.

Sadie.



Oh, my God.

Just surviving would be great.

This is the last time
I have five vodkas with a Finn.

When I told people I was going
on safari in South Africa,

they'd say, "Wow.
You've gotta be so excited."

And I'd say, "Well, I should be."

But I'm not really into the wild.

I have watched nature programs

and seen just about every animal
that you would see here,

and I didn't have to travel halfway
round the world to do it.

But here I am
in an undeniably beautiful country.

Home to 7% of the world's reptile
and mammal species.

Now, I'm an animal lover,

but anything that views me
as lunch, I'd prefer to see

from the safety of my couch.

Hello, my name is Bonga.

Bonga, Eugene.

- Nice to meet you. Come on in.
- Nice to meet you.

And it genuinely is nice to meet Bonga,

as he's the guide who's going
to get me safely to the hotel.

Kruger National Park is one
of Africa's biggest game reserves.

At 8,000 square miles,

it's like you took New Jersey
and filled it with lions and hyenas.

They tell you a million people
visit Kruger every year.

Of course, they don't tell you how many
make it back home.

Do you find just about every type
of animal here in the park?

Kruger National Park is well-known
for its Big Five species.

So, the animals are considered dangerous
to encounter on foot.

And the Big Five would be what?

It would be an elephant, buffalo,
a lion, a leopard,

and the last one would be a rhino.

That's good. That's good.

Is this the hotel?

Yeah. This is where the magic will happen.

Amazing.

So, Eugene, if you can head out
and then follow the track.

Get out and follow the track?

Great. My fear of being eaten alive
is rapidly being replaced

by my terror of being crushed by a train.

Welcome to Kruger Shalati, Eugene.
My name's Gavin.

Gavin. How are ya?

Very well, thank you.

Gavin's the manager of one
of the world's most unique hotels.

The Kruger Shalati is made up
of 13 train cars suspended

above the Sabi River
on a 1,000-foot bridge.

That's gonna cause quite the holdup.
A hotel on the track.

It's a little different, right?

I've never quite seen a hotel like this.

100 years ago, this railway was
the only way to visit the game reserve,

but it was abandoned in 1973,

partly due to the number
of animals being killed by trains.

Now, these reconditioned carriages
have been sourced

from across Africa to accomplish this feat
of engineering.

- Shall we swap, or are you good?
- No, I'm good.

The hotel opened in 2020,

offering incredible views
of some incredibly dangerous things.

Last night, on our...

On our night camera
we caught lions just here.

- Right underneath us.
- No.

We had some guests who heard
them roaring and were questioning,

- "Were they on the deck?"
- No. Go on.

Were they on the deck?

- No, they were not on the deck.
- All right.

- We're pretty safe, so...
- Pretty safe, not completely safe.

- Pretty safe. Right.
- Yeah. Well, you remember, this is Africa.

Right.

No chance of forgetting I'm in Africa.

It's all around me,
and it's extraordinary.

Oh, my. Look at this.

This is the best place to come and sit
and watch game the whole day.

- What was that?
- That was a hippo.

All right.

- Shall we go show you your room?
- Yeah.

Let's do that.

We have a safari booked for you.

So once you've orientated yourself,
we'll see you on the vehicle.

Thank you.

The cars date back to the 1950s.

But they've added a level of luxury which,
I'll be honest, I can get on board with.

It's quite spectacular.

You definitely get
a sense you're in Africa here.

Yeah. I don't know what that was.

With the balcony
and the floor-to-ceiling windows,

you feel close to nature.

Maybe too close.

What the hell is that?

Okay, something's being killed.
I don't know what that sound was.

It was just a horrible, like, hack.
Something was hacking.

People keep talking about the Big Five.

I'd be happy to achieve
the Big One on this trip: staying alive.

This is quite incredible.

But fortune favors the brave,
so safari with Bonga it is.

Once we in the vehicle, you don't go out.
You remain seated at all time...

Oh, wow.

- Oh, my goodness. Look at that.
- Crocodile. Crocodile.

- This is an amazing, big crocodile.
- Wow.

So, you see the teeth,

- how they're actually sticking out.
- I can... I see the teeth.

That's the smile of death.

Because that one could actually snap
the whole entire human being.

It almost didn't look real.

It looks like the kind of thing
that is planted there

so that tourists have something,
you know, to look at.

Look down the road. A leopard.

Oh, yeah.

- My first leopard.
- That's one of the Big Five.

There we go.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Look on the left.

Elephant.

That's another one of the Big Five.

Look at that.

They've got various ways of communicating.

So, they've got an amazing tummy rumble

that actually sends a signal
onto the ground,

and then they've got receptors
under their feet

that actually detects that vibration.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- We're doing well.
- We doing good.

Two down already.
It's like they're lining up to meet me.

Must be Schitt's Creek fans.

- Look what's on the road.
- Is that a hippo?

No, no. It's a warthog.

- It's a warthog. This is too much. Wow.
- It's a warthog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is not a pleasant-looking thing.

They've got an amazing sense of hearing.

Well, they gotta have something
going for them.

They say there's no sunset
like an African sunset.

And I've gotta say,

I'm enjoying the light on the landscape
from the comfort of this jeep.

We're gonna walk.

- We're gonna have to walk?
- To walk. Yeah.

We're not supposed
to get out of the truck.

Okay, I like sunsets,

but not enough to get eaten for one.

Bonga assures me it's safe.

And nothing says "safe"
like an armed guard.

That's a healthy-looking weapon.

Yeah.

- We walk in a single file.
- Okay.

If you see a buffalo, a hippo,
you just call,

"Buffalo left," "Hippo on the right."

It actually scares me that I'm the one
that's gonna be saying,

"A hippo left," "Rhino right."

Like, as if, like,
you guys are like, "What?"

Have you got any questions?

"Why are we doing it?"
is the first question.

- Okay, single file.
- Yeah.

When the sun starts going down,
that's when the cats come out?

Yeah. So, the cats come out,
especially in the dark,

because they've got
an amazing nocturnal vision.

You're not single file.

Sorry. I'm in. What's that?

- What are you pointing to?
- The monkeys.

- Look at the monkeys on the left here.
- Monkeys?

Yeah, the monkeys are retreating
up to the trees as well,

now that it's getting dark.

Well, you're not single file.
Are you trying to kill me?

- Come through.
- Hey, look.

This is what we call a sundowner.

This is what I call "That's more like it."

So we've got some warthog dried sausage.

- Uh-huh. Next.
- And then we've...

We've got a crocodile schnitzel.

- A crocodile schnitzel?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna enjoy
watching you eat that, Bonga.

This is amazing.

I think just a vodka tonic.

Perfect.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

I think we did pretty well.
There were some good sightings.

- We saw a lot of animals.
- Yeah.

I think you had something to do with that.

I don't know what,
but you kind of arranged it, I think.

When you see animals on TV,
you're on your own turf.

And out here, you're on their turf.

And there's kind of an element of danger

that creates an element of excitement.

This is beautiful.

As exciting as it is
to see these animals in the wild,

I'll be less than thrilled
to find one in my hotel.

I'll be keeping the windows closed.

The one thing
that's not gonna get me to sleep

is hearing the sound
of an animal squealing

for his life as some other thing
is just ripping him apart.

After a surprisingly good night's sleep,

I'm ready for breakfast
before anything makes breakfast out of me.

- Good morning, Eugene.
- Hi.

How are you finding your stay with us?

- Well, so far, so good. Yeah.
- So far, so good.

The insect, it's loving you.

- What? What is it?
- Whoosh.

- I see the insect here.
- Oh, my God.

- Do me a favor. Flick it off.
- There.

Here we go.

Fanta...

- Don't be scared.
- No, I'm not.

That's a... Whatever it is.
A giant something, isn't it?

A locust.

It's the first morning,
and I already am being attacked by,

you know, giant praying mantis.

I'm up for a change of pace today.

Ideally, something that doesn't
involve risk to life and limb.

Fortunately, hotel manager Gavin
has invited me for a round of golf.

This is kind of exciting.

I mean, people play golf there,
so it would have to be safe.

"Use of golf course at your own risk."

"They are unable to accept liability
for any loss,

damage and/or injury. Fatal or otherwise."

Gonna have to have
a little chat with Gavin.

Skukuza Golf Course is one
of the wildest in the world.

There's nothing to keep the animals out.
Not even a dress code.

So, there's no fencing? Like...

Exactly.

How does that work?

If we do hit our balls into the rough,

then it's safe to say
that we leave it there.

- Yeah.
- Remember to keep your head down

when there's a rattle
in the bush behind you.

Shall we go and get Eugene on his cart?

Here we go.

Right. Off we are.

Last week, I took a video of a hippo
right in front of us here.

- On the fairway here.
- Wow.

Hippos can cover 100 meters
in under ten seconds.

So, I'm keen to tee off in under nine.

Well, this is really something.

Yep. Oh, my goodness. Look at this.

Yikes!

A hippo is the most dangerous animal.

I mean, it accounts for more deaths
than any other animal.

I know why you're doing this.

You know, Gavin,
it's tough enough hitting over water.

He's trying to put me off my game.

You know,
"The hippo's the most dangerous animal."

That's a dirty player.
I didn't think he was a dirty player.

You can keep your head down.
I'll watch your back.

No!

Let's try it again.

Was that bird laughing?

Where'd he go?

He went just behind us.

- Let's see how it's done. Go ahead.
- Okay. All right.

Let's have a look.

Yes, sir.

I kind of held back because I didn't want
to show him up. So, I...

Okay, this is getting a little spooky,
isn't it?

I'm just going to
head up to the lunch area

and maybe hide behind some children.

After that round of golf,

I didn't think it was possible
to get any closer to the wildlife here.

But Bonga's arranged an experience for me,

which he promises will bring new meaning
to up close and personal.

First, we've gotta get there.

Oh, my. Look at those buffalo.
Wow, are they big.

I've heard of having a face
that stops traffic,

but these guys take
that to the next level.

They're actually looking right at us.

Okay, now it's getting a little scary.

Well, let 'em stare.

Sometimes you have to show
these animals exactly who's the boss.

And I can definitely do that
from the back seat of the van here.

Good news? That's another
of the Big Five ticked off. Bad news?

They can kill 200 people a year.
So, I'm happy to stick to their timetable.

One beast of a roadblock later,

I finally arrive to meet Peter,
Kruger's head vet.

So, Peter, what exactly
are we doing today?

So, what we hope to do today
is immobilise an elephant,

'cause we'd like to do a general
health check while we have it in hand.

I've never heard anyone say
"immobilise an elephant" so casually.

Where exactly do I fit in?

We're gonna try and get you
to help us as much as possible.

Okay.

But I hope they're not counting on me
for doing too much

because my background is comedy.

We actors are accustomed
to safety briefings,

but today in particular, I'm all ears.

If you see the elephant starting to move,

even if it starts to urinate,
please let me know,

'cause it suggests that the elephant
is starting to wake up.

If the elephant starts to urinate,

how far back do you have to stand?

No, you have to start running.

Start running.

- Yeah.
- Gotcha.

Now me and helicopters don't go together,

so I'm in the tracking vehicle
with Peter's colleague, Michele.

I would advise most people

not to be in the chopper
when they're darting.

You don't have to twist my arm.

Hey, that looks like our man today.

So what they're trying to do is just use
the chopper to push the animal this way,

- and that's the time that Peter will dart.
- Right. Gotcha.

Wow. Look at this.

And look at that amazing flying.
Have you ever seen anything like it?

He's going exactly
where they want him to go.

- Okay, he's starting to stumble.
- There he goes.

- Yeah. Now he's laying down.
- There he goes. Yeah.

And they're going
to pull him over on to his side.

That was incredible.

Spot checks, like this, help monitor

the health of the elephant population.

The team now has less than 30 minutes
to collect their data

before the harmless tranquilizer
wears off.

Your first elephant. Come and touch him.

Wow.

He's calm and in a good state
for us to be able to work on him.

He's more calm than I am right now.

I'm not real big on medical dramas.

Like, now, they're be...
Yanking his mouth open.

Okay, now they gotta... Whoa.

- So far, so good?
- So far, so good.

All right. Keep me posted.

Okay.

- Eugene, I don't know if you...
- Yeah?

...wanna help us just collect some
of the samples?

- Take some of the samples?
- The samples, yeah.

- Yeah?
- You need a big glove.

You can just imagine...

I don't know. I don't think s...

- So it's at this end of...
- Oh, yeah. No.

No. No.

Not sure I like the direction
this is going in.

- Okay, so you're just gonna...
- Yeah.

...collect a fecal sample.

- So, I don't want all of it... Yes.
- Collect a fecal sample?

Right. And what if the big fella
wakes up while I'm,

you know, there?

You don't have to be too gentle.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- He's tightening.
- Is he tightening?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

And I don't blame him!

- Are you getting anything?
- I don't know.

- You can feel around.
- You feel around. How about that?

- There it is.
- There you go.

First time I've had my hand up
an elephant's ass, I gotta be honest.

Tick that off the bucket list.

One of the all-time worst experiences
I've ev...

Well, that's not exactly

- fecal matter, is it?
- No, it's not.

I think I should try and help you.

Good luck.
I don't know how far up you have to go.

- Let's see.
- But, you know, if you have to Uber...

Okay.

- You see what I mean?
- I've got it.

Okay.

- So that's what we want.
- Yeah.

It's fun, Africa.

They say elephants never forget, so...

I think he's looking for you, Eugene.

No kidding. And believe me,
I'm just gonna duck a little bit here.

I don't think I'll be back
in this particular field

because he'll know this hand. You know?

He might not be good with faces,

but he's gonna look at this hand
and, you know...

Seeing this hulk of an animal

and getting the opportunity to touch it,
feel it,

feel its heartbeat, I mean,
that was quite amazing.

Can't honestly say I've experienced
anything quite like this in my life

and probably never will again,

but that was something.

I've come to realize
that when the sun sets in Africa,

you can't assume you're done
for the day on the savage beast front.

- Look, look what's on the road.
- Yeah?

Hey, whoa.

That's a hyena.

- Hyena?
- Yeah.

- There it is.
- Look at that.

Wow.

As Bonga and I head back to the hotel,

some of the park's nocturnal wildlife
have come out to eat us...

Sorry, meet us.

There's more further down the road.
Quick, quick. Go, go.

There they are.

And they're actually
on the hunt at the moment.

Well, hopefully we're not on the menu.

Wait, look. What's that, what's that?

- Is it a rabbit?
- It's a scrub hare.

That's not one of the Big Five, is it?

- Scrub hare?
- No. No.

- Rhinos are part of the Big Five.
- Yeah.

What are the chances
of seeing a rhino tonight?

It's very rare to see a rhino in the park

because they've been poached
for their horn.

Ten years ago, I used to see a rhino
maybe three times a week.

Now, we go for, like, a month
without having to see a rhino.

I'm worried that my son might not have
an opportunity to see when he grows up.

Oh, boy. Just terrible.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but the wildlife in South Africa
is actually starting to affect me

in a way that I wasn't expecting.

I loved the experience of being
that close to the elephant.

And spotting animals on a safari,

that's something you don't see in Toronto.

But being on the deck next to a fire,
sipping a lovely cabernet,

it's a nice little way to end a day here
in the wilds of Africa.

Three of the Big Five down.
Lion and rhino to go.

Over the last decade, the rhino
population in Kruger has dropped by 75%.

So I'm having to travel out of the park
to see some.

Now, I managed to avoid it earlier,
but this time,

there's no getting away from my least
favorite mode of transportation.

We're taking a helicopter.

I don't feel great about helicopters,
I gotta be honest.

I've got a thing about heights.

Specifically, plummeting from them.

Just keep telling myself
it's all for the Big Five.

There's an elephant bull
just sitting under a tree there.

I'm looking straight ahead at a mountain.

There we go. Solid ground.

Feels good.

- Nice meeting you. Welcome here.
- Nice to meet you. Eugene.

Petronel. Let's go.

You jump in here with me and Goofy.
It's my dog.

Hi, Goofy. Goofy, Goofy.

Petronel is the driving force
behind Care for Wild,

the world's largest rhino sanctuary.

Once you've seen a rhino, they climb right
into your heart, so be careful.

You might find
a new love of your life here.

That's something I never actually
thought was possible, but we'll see.

Since 2011, the team here
has rescued over 100 rhinos.

As I arrive,
it's feeding time for the youngest.

- Wow, that's what I call a bottle.
- Yes.

How do you get the babies over here?

We call them.

Go, go, Eugene. Call, call.

We're doing well.

There's your little one.

Come, come!

- Look here! There's Danny...
- Wow.

- ...the big one jogging.
- They're big.

- And there...
- They're very large babies.

Okay, there we go.
And you pick it up like that.

Excellent. Excellent.

- He's done.
- Excellent. That's why we give him two.

Last time I bottle-fed was 36 years ago,

and the bottle was considerably smaller.
And so was my daughter.

He's a bit smaller than
he's supposed to be,

because he was just about a month old
when they poached his mom.

Wow.

Despite the sanctuary's best efforts,

if poaching continues at its current rate,

wild rhinos could be extinct
within 15 years.

These things are being killed
at an alarming rate,

and the fact that people
are picking these orphans up

and getting them here somehow,
I think is like a miracle.

I'm beginning to like these things.
These sweet little things.

That was a very,
very cute experience for me.

There was something absolutely
adorable about those rhinos.

I just kept thinking,
"I can't believe I'm feeding a rhino."

Petronel aims to release
all her orphan rhinos

back to their natural habitat.

And she's got something extra special
she wants to show me.

We are heading out to see the rhinos

that we already released
and see how they're doing.

You know,
rhinos need to be out in the wild.

- That's where they belong.
- Yeah.

This is crazy.

One, two, three, four, five.
That's an amazing picture.

This is incredible, Petronel.

This is a sighting I never actually
thought I'd get to see.

Wow.

Two of these rhinos, Wynter
and Storm, have recently made history.

Wynter bred with another orphan
by the name of Storm,

- and there's Blizzy. Like, what a miracle.
- Wow.

This is the first in the world.

First baby born to two orphan rhinos.

It's the first step on the moon,
you know, for us.

- It's just... This is possible.
- Yeah, yeah.

This is the hope.
It's a new era for rhinos.

Wow. Miraculous.

Seeing that orphan rhino
that had just given birth to the baby

was an image that will linger when it
comes to, "What is South Africa to me?"

This is a country
unlike any I've ever been to.

And it's left a lasting impression on me.

I'd thought seeing animals in the wild
would be just like seeing them on TV.

How wrong I was.

Being this close to the animals,

that's what makes it more exciting
than I thought it was actually gonna be.

In your day-to-day life, you're
not thinking about the animals here.

You're not thinking about the possible
extinction of the rhino.

When you're here,
you're smack-dab in the middle of it.

These are once-in-a-lifetime experiences,

and I did get to see some amazing things

that most people might not get
a chance to see.

I think I saw four of the Big Five.

Apparently, that's a good batting average.

I didn't get to see the lion,

but I'm gonna go back
and watch The Lion King when I get home.