The Real Housewives of New York City (2008–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Pirate Booty Call - full transcript

Previously on The Real
Housewives of New York City

- I'm little bummed that
Ramona and Sonja didn't come.

If it was a night out

where they got to drink they may
have been quicker to show up!

- I'm really sorry I
didn't go to your charity!

- There wasn't about
me or my charity.

It was about the children
who are missing legs.

- I really don't go away on a
girls trip since my twenties!

Reed's my best friend and
I really hate to leave him!

- You know, sometimes it's good to let
your husband miss you for a couple of days.

- You guys don't
care if I brought him?



I'm not saying a word.

We're here for a quick
fix to go to St Barts.

Don't do that! Oh my God!

You're making me horny, stop.

Something just went up my cunt.

Never underestimate a woman
born and raised in New York City.

I may be a Princess but I am
definitely not a drama queen.

My success is built on making
women look and feel their best. Holla!

To some people living
elegantly just comes naturally.

I'm not afraid to say what
everyone else is thinking.

A little Sonja will
spice up any party.

- St. Barts! Here we come!

I'm so excited!

It's sunny!



Fuck!

The flighting to St Barts
it's no one's favorite.

It's a steep drop, a
very short runway..

And even for the most
well traveled person..

It's very scary.

I checked out the house.
It's beyond stunning.

Obviously, you'll probably
take the master suite..

So maybe..

you'll give me the
other master suite.

- I'm going to let
everyone pick their own.

- Carole, do you have someone
expecting us already down there?

She's not talking. She has anxiety!

She gets freaked out on planes.

I don't want to draw attention to
myself or the discomfort I may have of

flying in small planes.

So I'm pretty quiet about it.

It triggers the memory of my best friends
John and Carolyn dying in a small plane and

it's not really a
place I like to dwell.

- See, we're here already!

- Three in that car and two in this car.

C'mon, hun!

I'm coming!

I am going the best..

- I've never been in vacation
with you, Ramona, and I can't..

I can't..

- Can get to
imagine what's like, right?

I can't believe you've
never been here!

- No!
- For a girl who travels like you do!

Because it's really so close to you!
- I go to Turks and Caicos!

- That's my spot!

- Oh, I love Turks and Caicos!

I love trips to St Barts! My good
friend Kat has lived here for years

so I try to get to see
her as much as I can.

- Let the drama begin!

Alright! We're here!

Hi!

Bonjour!

Welcome to Villa Oasis! To Saline!

I'm Peggy Walsh, the owner
and President of St Paul properties!

- Nice to meet you!

Glad you come to
this beautiful island.

It's so stunning.

Nice to meet you!

- He's are our butler.

- The chef!

Jean Baptiste..
- You cook? The chef?

- So handsome!

- Jean Baptiste, our chef..

Antonio, butler..

they're are the icing on
the cake to the girls week!

- Let's get a look at this place!

- Holy macarroni!

The website did
not do it justice.

So we arrive at this house
and it's famous because

there's only one house and it looks
like something out of a James Bond movie.

- Oh my goodness.

Yeah, I know, it's beautiful!

- You want to have a glass of champagne?
- For sure!

- I'm speechless and
I'm never speechless.

- Cheers for this great trip!

- Salute! Thank you so much!

Alright, I want to put my clothes on so we can go
to the pool, so show it fast cause I'm really..

- There's two pools.

They're heated.

Your dining.

Very formal!

- Amazing! Look at
the stones! I love it!

Let's go upstairs.

So here we are in
bedroom number one.

Gorgeous

- This is very cozy.

Here another
bedroom! And the view!

It's just beautiful!

Amazing.

It's fun and so lovely, I'm nuts!

Oh, my gosh.

So here's our massage area..

- The master suite was beyond!

Huge walk-in closet!

I never saw a closet that
had so much hanging space.

Huge bathroom!

It was fabulous.

- Get out!

- Gotta a disco tech light!

Let's go disco!

Here's your shower.

- Carole!
- Yes?

- What are she doing?

- Ramona is calling!
- I'm twirling my hair like I do..

- With Ramona I'm always
trying to avoid a tantrum

so sometimes it's easier
to give her the lollipop.

In this case it's
the master suite.

- Where do you want to stay?

- I'm staying in the pool house.

Okay!

Ramona wants the master suite.

- Of course you want
the master bedroom!

- We're living together!
She's my husband here!

Ramona and I.. we
do need this suite!

We like to have a
little cocktail hour

and do our hair
and makeup together

and pick out her
dresses together!

We..

You know!

We move around!

- Are you're going
to live with Ramona?

- Are you guys are going to share a room?

- Are you're going to stay with her?

- Perfect!

- Then I'm going to take
the one with the terrace.

You take the one with the view.

- And then Sonja..
- The other bedroom..

Cheers!

- Do you wanna move in with Ramona or what?
- No!

Honey, good luck!

- We are always together! We love it!

- I'm liking that you guys are on
the main floor, actually. It's perfect!

I want to be far away.

- I'm actually the buffer!

I dunno! With Ramona,
every time I see her, it's a fight.

I'm just going to buckle my seatbelt,
hold tight and hope for the best.

I take care of Ramona
and everybody else is..

Perfect!

- It's actually my job!

I appreciate that!

Whoever wants to see
the other two bedrooms,

we can go down here.

- So I'm going to the pool house.
- Yes.

So it's just over here.

- Is there another house right here?

This is the only house.

St Barts was the first
Caribbean Island I'd ever been to

and I think it was the
second year Anthony and I

were dating that his mom, Lee,

rented a house in St Barts and
we all went down for Christmas.

- Fifteen years ago my
mother-in-law rented a house.

- Yes, that was a sprink.

- Oh, look at this, it's great!

I was here! And I am staying here!

- You stayed here, Carole?

- Yeah, but it was just
a two bedroom house.

- A different little..
gorgeous little house!

This was the caretaker property.
- Yes!

- So here's the first bedroom.
Do you want to look at this one?

- When I realized it
was the same property,

it really kind of brought
me right back to that time.

- Wait, so.. did they level that house?

- Yeah, it took a
long time to get permits..

You have to be careful
with the environment.

So they really kept it.

- That is incredible. I knew when
they were saying the house on Saline..

I thought "That house
was small though"!

- Wow, this is amazing!

It kind of took my
breath away for a minute.

I think it'll be more serene down here.

Carole and I had decided to stay in the
bungalows just around the main house

so that we could kind of have our respite
away from Ramona and Sonja.

- Move in with me!
It's now official!

- How long can I wear that?

Can we get some noodles?

Maybe they have a room
with all the toys for the pool.

Shit!

LuAnn?

- Yeah?

I just broke my nose!

- What?

- I just walked
into the fucking glass wall.

- You're kidding!
- No.

Here!

That's what I.. oh my
God, I really knocked it.

- Do you want some Advil?

- Yeah!

I went running out thinking I
was running out the open door

and..

- Look at the grease
of my face all over.

Holy shit.

Yeah, it was my Marcia
Brady moment, I think.

O M G

- Do you think you broke it?

- I'm not sure.

Let me see.

I don't think so cause.. it's just swollen.

- You would have heard a crack.

I do want a nose job some day.

- Perfect!

- My family won't let me
do it. I'm doing it now..

- Let's get this swollen out.

That's why I want
you to take the Advil.

Once a nurse always a nurse.

- The girls are already drinking vodka.

I'm definitely staying
at the bungalows.

What?

- They're no already drinking!
- Yeah, they are.

Are they?

- They're drinking?

I can't believe it.

Samonja.

- Samonja?

It was the best!

This are two important bags, the
third bag just got filled up because..

- How many night gowns you need?

- We're going out every night!

I always wear sexy lingerie!

- What do you think's
gonna happen in this one?

Oh, that's backwards!

- So I'm gonna let you relax
and I'm gonna go up to my room.

- I'll go see where your bag is!

- Call me if you need anything.

We're going to have to
put tape on those windows.

- Oh my God, don't harass the chef!

- We're gonna take a little lap in
the pool cause we have our noodles!

And we'd love a glass
of pink champagne.

- How many? Two?

- One.. Two.. do you want one?

- No, no! I'm good!

- I'm excited.

- Oh my God! I'm in heaven!

Sonja, get your butt in here.
Do you wanna a noodle?

Oh, I wanted a pink
champagne, my love!

- Oh, the pink champagne!

- I don't care! Give that to Lu!

- Show up with that dive!

- Oh my gosh, that feels so good!

- Russ is gonna come after
dinner to meet everybody!

- Oh yes? Ah, nice! After dinner?

- Well..

you sure that's
such a good idea?

Coming up

- Jean Baptiste, si vous plait!

- Sonja!

If you don't like it, I'm gonna fire him!

- Don't fire him, I'll fuck him.

What is this?

- You can pump
your wine right away!

Rosé Pinot Grigio, watch!

The best feature
of the house was the

vending machine that
was dispensing wine.

When Ramona and Sonja saw,
their eyes lit up like it was Christmas.

- How's it that work, Tony?

Is it small medium large?

- This one is small.

Great!
That's one breast.

That would be Carole's.

This one's a big one.

I know, the second one is the
medium breasts, that would be me.

And now do..

- It's the first one and..
- And Ramona have the large breast.

I don't have a large breast.

I have like.. just
perfect breast!

- That's not large!

- I'm a thirty two C.

- Watch your step, honey.

No more accidents.

- You know the saying, "if you can't
fit it into wine glasses, it's too much".

- I never heard that saying!

- Good evening!

- Oh my God! Heather!

- I felt so guilty I was
like saying in a pool like..

"Oh, she got knocked down".

But you're fine, right?

It was pretty fun..

- I was gonna come down!
It was "touch and go"?

- Who's "touch and go"?

- It was "touch and go"!

- You're not wearing the ring on
the right finger! We're engage!

- We're married but it's too big.

We got engage cause we're in the same room.

- Better not lose that!

- We have our underwear in the same drawer.

- Let's not get carried away!

As if I was ever going to
get engaged any woman..

It would be you!

- It's ready!

- Merci!

- And Tony can
you squirt me some..

- Squirt me?

Squirts out..

- Let's go squirt. I'm gonna squirt my wine!
- This is an amazing accessory!

- I like this wine!

- Give her a little squirt!

- Thank you!

- Where's the dip for the spring rolls?

- I think Jean Baptiste didn't make a dip.

- Jean Baptiste! Si vous plait!

Sonja!

You don't like it?

I'll fire him! If you don't like
it I'm gonna fire him!

- Don't fire him, I'll fuck him.

That's a compliment!

You're just really upset with him
because he has a date at nine thirty!

- I do have a problem with him going
on a date at nine thirty but secondly

I never had a spring rolling this dry.

It's only ninth fifteenth.

- Oh my God! This is outrageous.
Should I go get some soy sauce?

- You stay in your seat and
you let the chef deal with them.

Believe me I have
practice in this.

- How long are you with Jonathan?

- Ten years.

- Oh wow, I was with
my husband ten years.

Plus seven.

- Plus seven!
Wow, before you get married?

- I knew him for seven years
and only was married for ten.

But you know what?
I'm turning a new leaf.

I don't care..

I did..

Years here with my
husband and that's over and..

- Yeah.

And apparently he has
his life in St Barts with me

and then he's going to
have St Barts without me.

I've turned a corner emotionally
and it's just like.. you know what?

He had a chance and he blew out.

- Life should be moving in
one direction and that is forward.

Keeping moving!

- Why this conversation turns so serious?

- Because you and I are back here,
we're fabulous, sexy, lighthearted..

- And you weren't sexy, lighthearted
when you got here back then?

- .. Living in the moment place.

- I know I have.

- I live my day every day like that.

I am in the moment.

Our shoot..

This is where I was
trying to go with you.

I know I get a little hard ass..

- Do we have to go there now?

- I need to go there with
her because I care about her.

- Why not? You can have a
discussion. It is not a problem!

This is the most talked
about toaster oven

in the history of
non-existing toaster oven.

Where's this toaster oven?

- Heather came to me
as a friend and she said,

"I want to help you".

- No, she said you asked her to help you.

- Why go around with that
story, Ramona?

- Ramona, it doesn't matter really at the end of the day.
- Alright!

- It actually doesn't have
anything to do with you.

- Guess what? I gonna
tell you one thing.

This is about Sonja and that's
all that you should care about,

because she's your friend
so you should be happy.

- Just let me talk about my feelings.

- She's my friend but you
tell things that are wrong.

- No, I didn't!

- Okay, I don't wanna go there with you.

- You know what? Ramona has a point there.

- Thank you, Sonja!

- But right now it's about me.

She has a point there but we'll get to that.

We have huge egos.

And Heather wasn't listening.

Here's Heather language:

"I want this"!

- There! She just said!

She just said you're not listening!

She just said, "Heather wasn't listening!"

- Ramona, let me ask you a question.
- Heather says "I want this!"

"I see this!"

- Don't you upset, honey! Don't upset!

- Okay, because you're not listening again!

- I am listening!

- Please, stop! My opinion is what
happened was we had two meetings,

the first one was
showing Sonja logo.

- No, you showed up with a few fonts.

- I'd be right back.

That's okay! It's okay.

When Heather and Sonja kept
going on about the photoshoot,

I was like, "Oh, my god! Here we
are in St. Barts! Leave that all behind!!

- I'm not fighting. It is not worthy.

- Excuse me a little bit.

- Where're you going?
- I am following you.

- Carole doesn't like conflict but..

- No, Ramona! You're not coming with me.

Because you know
what? This whole thing..

Sonja needs to make her voice known.

- Hello!
- Hi!

- James said "I don't
want lunch friends!"

- Right! He started..

- At the meeting!

What?

- Sonja's had a little
too much to drink.

I know, that's why I
wandered away from the table.

- It's not gonna change anything.

- Yeah.

- You told Ramona you
didn't say that! That was a lie!

- You're not coming
with me to meet Russ.

- Oh no! I didn't plan to! It was
just to get away from the table.

I didn't wanna take that whole
thing. That's enough already.

She shouldn't brought that.

And I said that! Don't brought it.

- I'm nervous.

I know you're nervous.

- Don't say anything crazy.

- What would I say it's crazy?

I just doing be me!

- Don't be you!

You asked me to wait to
meet your logo guy.

- You said "You're gonna
love James! He's so hot!"

And then James is gay!

- He's not gay!

- Let's get that straight, he's not gay!

- Okay, okay girls!
Alright, let's have a toast!

- He's so fucking hot.

- Hi!
- Hey! What's up?

My God.

So glad you're here.

These crazy bitches!

The girls are..
They're always fighting

I mean, I don't even know
what they're talking about.

- Carole's a little nervous about
introducing us to Ross, just so you know.

No, she's a little nervous.

She's nervous because we're embarrassing!

- I don't know!
- Not you!

We're embarrassing!

Everybody behave!

Hey, what's up?

- So she met him before?
- She met him before!

- How are you?

Great!

Ramona.

- Hey, I'm Russ!

- Russ, is so nice to meet you!

I've heard so many wonderful
things about you through Carole

and we all adore Carole.

I think we already
adore you too.

I hope you adore her
more than I adore her.

- Oh, yeah! Of course!

- How much more than that?

Ramona!

- Okay, Ramona!

- Okay! Awesome!

Sonja Morgan.

- Hey, Sonja!

- Hi, Russ! I'm scared to insult you!

I'm a friend of Carole's!
I'm just a nice American girl.

- You guys have
been drinking so much!

- How do you know that?

- I mean, you know..
who's really aren't?

- We've been through
vodka and then wine..

- I'm going to bed now.

- You are?

- She's teasing!

- Do you mind if I sit down?
- No, please!

- Ramona and I
are going to bed now.

- How St. Barts going to you guys?

Are you guys having
good vibes happening?

You're ready for the festival?

- We did ou first rehearsal
today. And it's going to be great!

- Russ?

Were you nervous to
meet Carole's new friends?

I would be.

I mean, she's so chic
and so beautiful and..

- He's not nervous at all.

- What this have to do with
us? We know she.. he know she can do..

- We were nervous for you to meet us

because we don't wanna embarrass Carole.

- I wasn't nervous to meet him at all!

Speak for yourself!

- I'm nervous to embarrass her!

- Oh, you'll never embarrassed me, Sonja!

- So Ross, have you ever seen a hotter, sexier girl..

- Oh, why would he..

- Obviously he thinks that, it's been three years!

- Have you?
- I don't think so.

- She's the hottest girl I've
ever seen in my life.

- I'm the luckiest guy.

Right, babe?

- She's so hot, so sexy, so..

- Are we competing now?

Actually!

- Well, I never met a
cuter guy than you tonight.

- Tonight?

- Tonight!

- "I never met a
cuter guy than you.. tonight!"

- This is some funny shit.

- Welcome to the circus!

- Sonja, you know what?

I think.. let's go and make a..

there's an espresso machine!

Let helping me
figure it out. C'mon!

By the end of dinner, I could
see Carole getting a little itchy

and I was like, "Time for coffee!"

- Carole, I love Ramona but you
guys are going to have more fun.

This is really..

- Do you wanna come down to visit us?

- No, you guys do what
you do, it's refreshing!

Bye!

- We'll see you when we'll see you!

- I'll put on a lingerie on and try it.

Bye!

She drinks a little.

- Ain't a party if
something isn't broken.

- So is it that's her..

Boyfriend?

No!

That's Tony, the butler!

We should stay here tonight!

- We should stay together!

- We will stay together..

I have a whole
other situation now!

Below the pool.

- Okay.. cool.

They're fucking loud.

Yeah.

- It's like the Loud Family.

- Oh, man.

- Let's go to our room.

Coming up

- Oh, they've got the banana rum!

I love the banana rum!

- It makes your boobs grow!

- It makes my boobs fabulous.

- Good morning, ladies.

I may be late for breakfast
but I'm beach ready!

- Alright!

You are so funny!

- Do you approve this bathing suit?

- I got it working.. Well,
I'm ready to go the beach!

- Oh, hi, girl!

Hello Miss Sexy Star!

- Carole, what happened?

- Look her bed hair..
- Sexy!

- So, is Russ still in your
room? I want to know.

- No, he's not!
- Jesus!

What time did he leave?

- I don't remember! It was late.

- Did we behave?
We were good right.

- You guys are so.. No!
You guys were great!

- Because all I know is I went
to bed only thinking about Mario

when I first saw Russ!

- I was only thinking about Russ.

- I thought this
was like a girls trip.

- Well, it is not!
- And like, first night he shows up.

What's that about?

- Oh, come on! I was so..

- So should I call Mario and
tell him to come meet me?

And maybe you should call Jacques?

Have at it, yeah..

- I must say, after seen you
together last night, I was thinking,

"This is going to be a
long week without Jacques!"

- Oh my god, you guys! I'm always
with all of you and your husbands.

And I never complain!

So.. shut up!

Her boyfriend lives in California
and travels around the world.

This was the only day
she saw him in five months.

- No, I know!

- Excuse me!

This was a rendezvous!

- Get your roller
out and let's roll!

- Give me some
dark powder from my..

I want my waist to look smaller!

- Oh, I know! I have
some good for you! Wait!

Come here.

- What are you putting on yourself?

- She's defining her waist.

- If wearing more than that bathing
won't defines your waist nothing does.

We've decided that each
girl will plan a day on the trip.

Oh, I didn't take my medications and
my vitamins today! No wonder I look fat!

Today i'm taking the
girls to Tom's Beach.

It's the hottest beach,

you have to look great

because you never
know who might run into!

Wow, this is great.

- Okay, great.

- Would you stop hissing me with those pictures?!

- Because he's so cute!

- You're not a Japanese tourist.

- Yes, I am. I'm a tourist, I'm allowed to!

Oh my god.

- What did your boyfriend
said about Ramona?

- I would say, by the way he
looks at you, that he really..

Really, really digs you, honey!

- So he wasn't intimidated by
us, he wasn't scared off by us?

No!

So there you go!

- He has a very
strong character!

It was like introducing my boyfriend
to these two crazy drunk aunts.

- And what did he say about Lu?

- We didn't talk that much..

- They jumped to bed!
- He went downtown.

He went down on her.

He wasn't talking!

He wasn't talking, he was muffled!

Okay.

- He's a downtown guy!

- I love her choice of words!

You are very charming.

- So he said I was charming

and then he went down on you.

Perfect!

- I think we're ready
to hit the beach!

What's with the wind?

Can someone help
me with the umbrella?

- Oh god, she's screaming again.

Oh! Look at the
bartenders! Handsome too!

He's looking at
us looking at him.

- I got schmekels
now, I can't laugh, sorry!

- You can laugh!
- I can't!

What's the Jewish word?

You're Jewish, right? Are
you Jewish? I'm catholic!

I got schpukas! Isn't that a
Jewish-Yiddish something word?

- There's a whole table of
guys in there, they just sat down.

- Sonja and the manhunt!

- Did you scope over the
tables, Sonj? Where are they?

- It's like five guys in there.

- It's a present of the sunglass boy.

- Oh, what is this?
- The banana.

- Oh, my God! The banana rum! I love the banana rum!

- It makes your boobs grow.

- Awesome!

- It makes my boobs fabulous.

- This is good!

I don't think I.. I think I
need a dip in the ocean.

- Sleeping.

- Okay, who wants to go in?

- Oh my god, look at that
ass on Carole! Holy shit!

She's gotta a nice butt!

No wonder Clooney
fucked her for a year.

I'm getting my makeup and
covering up my pimple now.

- You know? It's a good
thing so.. you got a good skin.

- No, it means we're hormonal.

Tonight I'm taking the
girls to Le Ti St Barts.

It's the spot and if everything
goes the way I wanted to go..

It'll be a night
they'll never forget.

Let's dance in the mirror, let's get it going!

We are practicing!
- Why not on the table though?

On the table? I can
drop off the table!

- Oh, the girls are dancing!

We're getting ready.
- Practice on the table.

- Alright, come on! Girls!

Let's go to the place!

Getting dance in the right place!

- We're dancing whatever we go!

The two of you checking yourself out.

- You joined, right?

- It's a little quiet around here!

- Let's move the towels out of the way.

- I hear Lu.

Oh, they're dancing on Ramona's room.

- Oh, c'mon! Let's go to the party!

- We have a party
whatever we go!

We are the party!

- Do you have your underwear?

- I've got my underwear on!

So what are the crazies doing?

Dancing!
- We gotta go.

- Hello, darling!

You look beautiful!

- You too! I missed you!

- You have great legs! I
thought I had great legs!

- This is our first evening place!

We just got here yesterday. And I said
you have to start here with Carole

and you will have no anxiety
you will miss nothing on the island!

Right?

Ti St Barts is my home away
from home when I'm in St Barts.

It's sexy and it's entertainment
and partying and pink champagne.

I love it there.

- Sonja, you remember Thomas?

Yeah!

Wow!

- It's Johnny Depp.

- Ready to party?

Oh yeah! Yes!

Finally we get to a restaurant I get to walk
in first because my reservation, my friends!

Thomas sees me, he's happy
to see me, I'm loving the attention.

- Well, Thomas, it's so good to see you!

- I love her Johnny Depp boyfriend.

LuAnn spots him
and it's white on rice.

Very cute.

- It's nice to surround yourself
with fabulous looking guys, why not?

Yeah!

- Tequila shots?

- Can you put some ice in that?

Lots of it?

- Chill tequila.

- How fabulous it's the boyfriend?

- Wait! It's that her boyfriend?

- Thomas?
- She used to be with Terry.

- Wait, wait, wait!

- Now she's with Thomas!

- The man with the hat is her boyfriend.

- She's been with Thomas for awhile.

- He looks just like Johnny Depp.

I know!

- He looks just like Johnny Depp.

- Listen to this.. Carole always
has the most gorgeous guys.

And let me tell you..

they're not bad in bed,
that's for damn sure.

Another cute boy.

- Here we go!

- They just import
them from France.

They're so cute.

- What the one, ah..

just in front of us?

Sexy.

- Thanks for bringing us here!

Wow

Wow.

- That's good tequila, no?

- I think they forgot the ice.

- We're going to
get up on that table.

We are?

Yes!

- Prepare yourself, Lu!
You're gonna sing tonight!

- Better drink this one then!

We'll be dancing tonight!

Crank it.

Yeah, let's go!

- You guys are gonna order drinks?

- I'll have another tequila.

- Everyone has great asses!

Sip it.

- Oh my God, that's..

- Sip it!

Let it rip.

Come on, Countess.

- Oh, here! The show started!

Thomas came up and said "Girls,
do you want to do the show tonight?"

and I said, "Of course we do!"

We all went into the back and
got dressed up with Thomas,

who was dressing all of us and
putting us together for the show.

Our part of the show
was like in the old days,

we always started
on the table and

now they had the stage
for the professional dancers

but the way we did it
was the authentic way.

It's obvious those who stay
seated get more than just a show,

they get more but no show.

In the undies department.

We're all on the tables
dancing and LuAnn isn't.

You have to make a
special pirate introduction.

Pirate shot.

Come to the bar with me, come.

I want to be special..

not like your other
pirate women, okay?

- I'm not just any pirate woman.

I'm an Indian.

Don't fuck with me.

Let's go, Tom!

Are you ready?

- Are you getting one more?

No! No more shots.

It's about..

the moment.

Okay.

Girl..

Are you in one piece?

- I'm in bad shape.

- Oh, honey.
I need a coffee.

- Alright, let's go.

Tea and berries! Good for you!

- You should have eggs!

Right? Yeah!

- You need protein.

- How did you know?

- I know that when I went
to sleep you were still awake.

That's why I know you need protein.

Carole and I left Ramona,
Sonja and LuAnn at Le Ti

and I took a nice warm shower
and crawled into my delicious bed.

- Oh my god, I had
the best time last night.

I ran into old Italian
friends of mine.

We haven't seen in ages!

You want a coffee?
Oh, no, you're having tea!

Let me ask for coffee, honey.

Jean Baptiste?

LuAnn knows I know who she was with last
night and it wasn't a group of Italians,

so I'm not sure where she's going
here and I wish she would fill me in.

Morning!

- Oh, look at you all
dressed up already!

I have to give the win credit
because she's holding up real well

considering how late she got home.

- Hi, LuAnn, how are you today?

Well, wit these
things, I'm a giant!

Sonja was already..
Two sheets in the wind.

And I heard LuAnn come in.

I heard the car arrive and I heard
her speaking French to another man.

- Hi, babe!
- Morning!

- What are you doing?

- I'm chilling.

Oh my god.

So much happened last night.

- I never talk so much in the
morning but that's how good you look.

LuAnn came to my room
at three in the morning..

- I'm trying to call Jacques
and I cannot get through.

with a man!

Coming up

I ran into old Italian friends of
mine, I mean, it was so much fun!

- LuAnn came to my door
late last night and woke me up

and it wasn't a group
of Italian she was with.

She was with..

Butter and jelly.

Jean Baptiste can open..

Can I get some butter and honey?

Yes!

Oh.

Good morning.

- I should've slept with you last night.

- Why?

Caring myself.

Why? Did Ramona keep you up?

Did she kick you during the night?

- We sleep on separate
sides of the bed!

- I'm glad we established that.

Oh, she's coma toast.

- I'm trying to call Jacques
and I cannot get through.

Oh my god.

So much happened last night.

- Oh, it's going through!

- Oh, good!

I've got home at one.
What time did you get home?

We left the driver for you!
- Probably three.

Thank God you left the driver.

LuAnn came to my room
at three in the morning..

with a man!

Come here! Sit down!

I was awoken in the middle
of the night by two male voices.

One was LuAnn's

and one was the voice
of a young French boy!

So I laughed because I realized
the noise that I heard was actually

LuAnn coming home with someone.

- Bonjour, mon amour.

Oh.

- Is it all going well?

- Yes, magnificent.

We went out last night..

magnificent!

We had a great time! I ran into
old Italian friends of mine, I mean..

it was so much fun.

LuAnn came to my door
late last night and woke me up

and it wasn't a group
of Italian she was with.

- Did she like..

fucked him?

I dunno.

She was with Thomas.

- I love you.
- Have fun, girls.

Kisses.

This whole thing sucks! This sole
situation is making me so uncomfortable.

I adore Jacques and LuAnn has
a really great thing going with him

and I don't want her
to ever put that at risk.

There's some really good pictures,
girls! They're still uploading but..

look at this one!

So cute.

Oh my god!

- I mean, does he not
look just like Johnny Depp?

- He's so sweet and
has manners and

he's sexy and elegant!

Unbelievable, right?

He's better than Depp!

Unbelievable how much
he looks like Johnny Depp.

He's going to walk into the glass!
Look! He's going to do exactly what I did.

Look, here he goes
doing like Heather!

- Hello?

- Hi!

You guys are good! I look like shit!

You guys look really good.

- How's the house?

It's amazing, Aviva!
You should be here!

- I actually spoke to
Reed this morning.

He did offer up, because I
was really missing you guys.

And I was sad that you are all there.

And he said that if
I was able to do it,

if I could get on the big plane
and that little little little plane..

He said that he would take
me cause it's the weekend.

- So come with him!

- I.. I'm coming!

Get your butt down here.

Holla! Aviva is coming in the house!

- You just have to get here so you
can witness all that we are witnessing.

That's the bottom line!

Bring Reed here for the one
simple reason to have a lot of sex

because this place
is like a sex hot villa..

Like everything is
conducive to sex at this place!

- I don't wanna to make
the other girls feels left out.

- They have plenty of sex but me.

- Are they bringing
home guys to the villa?

- Well, we're supposed to
be having a party tonight,

so we'll see they invited
the whole island last night so.

It might be a little too crazy,
so we're going to have to..

- You cannot party without me!

- That's why you better get
your blonde butt down here!

- Hi, bogeys.

- We just Skyped with Aviva.

- She's coming over the weekend!

- She is?

- She said that we..

- With or without Reed?

- With Reed, by the weekend.

- She said Reed isn't
working for the weekend.

- That's so exciting.

- What time did you get home
last night? Eleven, right? Twelve?

- I dunno. Not that late.

Eleven.

- Because I woke up, we came
home at one, she went to bed

and I would have to get a
nap and I heard a car come up..

- Yeah, I did too.
- Did you?

- Then I heard a man's voice with LuAnn.

Yeah.

- Was that Russ?

- No, it wasn't Russ..

- I said I heard a man's voice with LuAnn.

Oh, wow.

Now things are getting interesting.

Maybe it was LuAnn's voice?

Was a lot of whispering going
around the house that day.

I dunno.

Maybe she brought a man at home.

- So I just asked point
blank to anyone else here,

"LuAnn come in with
another man last night?"

- Hey, I don't have to ask LuAnn if
she brought a guy home last night!

This is a small island!

- Everyone knows everything.

You told me about
Reed and Aviva.

So, I was all excited

but then I'm like,
"Well, wait a second!"

You have Russ.. Aviva's
going to have Reed..

My point is where's Reed staying?

- In a hotel, right?

- No, he's staying here.

- He's staying here?

- Well, so that's not a girl's week!

If he stays here, that's not being
a crutch! That's being a date.

The girls cannot bond when
you have the husband upstairs.

Because..

You're thinking you need
to take care of the husband,

the husband thing
is take care of you.

And you're not
hanging with the girls.

- No, I mean.. let's give her
a little bit of a break, Sonj.

- Yeah, but then I
would be with Mario here!

- Well, I'm bringing home
a guy tonight though.

- Don't copy LuAnn!

- Everyone's doing that!

- Don't be a copycat.

- Carole! Russ is calling!

- I mean, did you want me to call
her and say don't come? I mean.. No!

- No, you can't do that now!
- We want her to come.

- She has a disorder!

- Excuse me!
- Hold on a second!

- Oh! Excuse us!

Oh, you're leaving?

Are you leaving?

- Well, I need some privacy!

- Really? Why's that?

Hello?

- Well, now that it's a mixed
trip, you don't need privacy!

Bring them right in here.

- So Reed is going to
stay here in the house!

- He is?

- Oh, it's that.. you guys
are worried about that?

- Well..

- Well, now is not a girl's trip anymore!

- Now it's going to change
the dynamics. That's true!

- So can we tell him that he
go stay in a hotel? You tell him!

- I'm not tell him anything!
It's not me.. Carole do it!

- You're very diplomatic.

- No, no, no! You're
not doing me that job.

She has no balls!

- Got a deep voice and no balls!

- I mean, let Carole do it.
- Let's just say you'd do that..

- So then you would say this..

"Oh, Aviva! Reed! Nice to see you!
*kiss kiss* Oh, by the way, Reed"..

- Or you can say..

"Where are you staying?"

"Oh, Aviva.. by the way,
Reed, where are you staying?"

And then he says,

"I'm staying here"

and then we say,

- It's a little awkward.
- Oh, it's uncomfortable!

My thinking is

this is supposed
to be a girl's trip!

Otherwise, I would
have had Mario come!

- She can't stand
being without Mario!

- No, I can but this is
supposed to be a girls trip.

And like, I want to bring him,
I wanted him to come too!

- And you throw me out
of here upstairs, go ahead.

- So much for that romance!

- So what? Heather and Sonja
and I are going to be without our men?

- I like your necklace!

- What do you mean, "without men"?

We heard men's voices with you last night!

- Yeah, I love it! It's very pretty.

- What do you mean, "without men"!?

We heard men's voices
with you last night!

- Oh yeah, what was with that guy
that you brought home last night?

- What do you mean, what
guy I brought last night?

- You brought up a guy!

- I brought home
my friends from Italy!

A man.
- Yeah! A couple of people!

This is very typical of LuAnn,
where she says one thing,

where she'd like to have a
baby with Jacques, her livid lover.

And then the other
LuAnn is on a vacation

and it's having a fling with someone.

- And so what? This is your house?
I can even show the house to them.

- She brought home a
few men last night!

- How many men did you brought?
- And girls!

I had a whole group here.

- You missed them guys..
- I heard just one guy.

- She brought the LuMan!

- The LuMan!

- No, I had a group of
people of Italians I love,

that I haven't seen in
years. It was something!

- They are very flexible, the Italians!

- You guys were
already passed out!

- Totally flexible the Italians!

If LuAnn is going to continue
to perpetuate this Italian story,

I'm just really uncomfortable with it!

It puts me in a bad position with
the other girls and with Jacques!

I know she was with Thomas

and so it's not something I
can let go of or lie about.

- What you up? A pink Rosé?

- No, you know what? I want tequila!

- No, I want to see you.

My friend Cat!

- Oh, is she coming?

Can you do a favor for
me, a big favor for me?

I went out with Tom last night.

You know, the one that
looks a bit like Johnny Depp?

And the girls, they know
I brought someone here.

He can't say that he was
here last night with me.

Coming up

- Hello, Thomas! Hi!
- How are you?

It's unfortunate for LuAnn that
Thomas is the only one that showed up.

Hi Cat. How are you doing?

Can you do a favor for
me, a big favor for me?

I went out with Tom last night.

You know, the one that
looks a bit like Johnny Depp?

And the girls, they know
I brought someone here.

He can't say that he was
here last night with me.

That's the problem.

I don't want the girls to
know he was here with me.

That's very important.

No, they didn't see him.

And now they say,
"You brought a guy.."

and I told them it
was a group.. a group.

I never change.

Okay! Merci!

- And bring the boy
with the clear eyes!

Jesse!

- She would have loved
my group of Italians!

Exactly!

Why wasn't LuAnn at
least smart enough to say

they were a group of frenchmen?

Because they were
speaking French!

Not Italian!

French!

- Hello, Thomas! Hi!

Of all the people that were invited
to this party last night from Le Ti,

it's unfortunate for LuAnn that
Thomas is the only one that showed up.

Thomas!

- He keeps us young!

- How was late at
the bar last night?

Oh, the best!

- You want to see?

Good pictures!

I forgot she speaks
very good French.

- Merci!

To be continued...

Next time on The Real
Housewives of New York City

- Were you here last night?

You were here last night!

- You came to Le Ti.

- No, but you slept here or not?

Jacques is not going to be too
happy when he hears about this.

LuAnn is going to have a
lot of backpedaling to do.

- I take you out for drinks.

- LuAnn had her time
with Thomas last night.

Tonight

is

Sonja's night.

- Just stand like that..
no, face him. Not me.

- Let's do the Kama Sutra book.

- We can't do this when Reed is around.

I was really trying to distract myself

because I was getting very
physically uncomfortable.

- Oh my God!
- Hi!

It's so good you made it.

- It was really really hard!

- One of the themes of
this trip has been nudity.

- I'm not naked!

- You're not naked! Who's naked?

- On that note, I'll be stepping out!

- Sonja and Ramona are lingering in
the pool under this ridiculous charade

that we had caught them topless.

They knew we were coming.