The Real Housewives of New Jersey (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Brunch Gone Bad - full transcript

And at the end of the day,
it's gonna be me.

- Danielle and dolores
have my back with this.

Jackie and I are definitely
gonna have it out.

She needs to apologize
or be gone.

Well, I want you
to enjoy your party.

Let's go get a drink.
- Let's go get me a drink.

Come on.

- Oh, hi.
How are you?

[screaming]

[all screaming, cheering]

[rousing music]



- she has no ----ing
undies on.

[laughing]
- next time,

on "the real housewives
of new jersey"...

- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to bimini.

- We're here!
[cheers]

- ooh, look at that water.
- All the bitches

that weren't helping me
are going in!

- We literally just got here
and bridezilla's

on the ----ing list.
- His kids don't like me.

It's really hard for me.
- It's hard for you?

- Don't cut me off.
- Whoa.

- How ----ing dare you?
- Okay, relax with the cursing.

- You've been here
five minutes.

If you want to make it to ten,
I would shut it if I were you.



- To learn more about
"the real housewives,"

- Previously on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

[all shouting excitedly]

- this is, like, the first time
it's really all about me.

- I heard I was, like,
the topic of oklahoma.

- Because you never
hang out with daddy

'cause you're with your wife.

- Get the (bleep) out of--
- oh, my god.

- Shove it up your ----ing ass.

- Melissa, whatever she said,
made him explode.

- I am so pissed off
at melissa.

That's not what family does.

- If melissa's not gonna
stand up for you,

I got you, baby.

- Why would you get him
all amped up?

- Do you really think that

melissa can control
her husband?

- Yeah.
- You feel like your husband

would be in jail if you
could control what he did?

- With everything
going on with all of us,

I think I should host a brunch,
then we could all be together.

I think we need to do
something therapeutic.

[bright music]

- I can make you laugh

or make you cry.

Your choice.

- Don't try to bully me.

Go free!

'cause I'm a boss.

- I have four kids,
two degrees,

and one kick-ass life.

- I may put up a tough front,

but I'll never
leave you behind.

- I'm obsessed with family,
traditions,

and chanel.

- These days,
I don't throw punches.

I roll with them.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- oh, hi.
This looks beautiful.

Glamorous.
Fabulous.

Yogurt parfaits
and the little breads,

which all these skinny girls
won't eat, so more for me.

Very happy.
[doorbell rings]

- well, hello. Hi.
- Hi, look how cute you look.

- You look so cute.
Both: Mwah.

- Welcome.
- Thank you for having me.

- We're gonna have omelets.
- Oh, my goodness.

We're gonna have
a whole little event.

We'll do mud masks,
sit and have brunch, bullsh--.

- Oh, my goodness. You are the
hostess with the mostest.

- I try.

- You got to teach me
how to do this.

- It's called pick up the phone
and call the caterer.

- Right.
I'm good at that.

- I know.
- [laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- hey! Hi, melissa.
- Hey, how you doing?

- Thanks for coming.
- Hi.

Hello.
- Hi, honey, how are you?

- Can I take your bag
for you?

- Sure, thank you.

- So, everything good?

- Yeah, we went to danielle's
bachelorette party.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, that was fun.

I mean, she had some wild
strippers, the whole thing.

It was pretty funny to watch.

- Was teresa there?
- Yes, teresa was there.

Have you talked to her?
- I haven't.

- Margaret told me that
she's a little insulted

that I didn't back her up
when you said what you said.

- You can't say that a wife
can control their husband

and then, like,
have your husband be

in jail at the same time.

Like, it's just hypocritical.

- Jackie's making
complete sense here.

I am on team "you can't control
another human being,"

let alone your husband.

- Hi!

Come on in.
Oh, that was so nice.

- This looks great.
- The flowers are beautiful.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, melissa gorga.

- How are you?
- Fine.

I'm still annoyed with melissa

because she went and
riled up her husband,

but do I just drop it?

I'm thinking it's not worth it.

- Knock, knock.
Hi, how are you?

- How are you?
- Good. How you doing?

- Come on in.
- Hi, how are you?

- How you doing?
I love your hair.

It looks good.
- Yeah, it looks good.

I got you your special--
spinach, egg whites.

We're all set.
- Thank you.

Thank you.
- Should we go say hi?

- I would, yeah.
- Okay, all right.

Okay.
- Let's go say hi.

Hi, tre.
- Hi, hon, how are you?

- What's going on?
- How you doing?

- What can
I get anybody to drink?

I know.
I'm waiting for...

- Hi, how are you?
- Good.

- I am actually scared for
how teresa's gonna react today.

- What can I get everybody?

- I want coffee.

- I know margaret wants
this kumbaya brunch,

but I just know that teresa's
probably thinking to herself,

like, "okay, bitch, it's on."

- who else is coming?
Is danielle coming?

- I forgot danielle was coming.

- We went to her
bachelor party.

There were strippers there...
- Oh, my god.

- Three of them.

- Were they good strippers,
or they were, like...

- Yeah, one of them had
a real big package.

[all shouting excitedly]

I'm like, "I haven't
seen one of those in a while."

[both laugh]

- hi!
- Hey, how are you?

- Good, how are you?
Come on in.

- They were pulling her around
like a rag doll.

It was so funny.
- [laughs]

- are you talking
about the stripper?

- Wait, I want to know more.
- I want to hear.

- His head was in her puss.
His head was like this.

Like, I can't even do it.
His head was like this.

[all laughing]

[all chattering excitedly]

- I've never been
around strippers.

It goes against
my turkish culture,

and also, it's not respectful
to my husband.

- Hi.
- How you feeling today?

- We were just talking
about the bs in your face.

- Oh, my god, I was like,
"look away. Look away."

his, like, whole sack
was all up in my face.

I'm like...

- That wouldn't be
the first time...

- [laughs]

- or the 500th time.
- No, that's...

- Life has been very quiet
without danielle in it,

and I like it that way.

But now that we are
in the same room together,

I'm just gonna say
what I have to say.

I don't give a (bleep).

- I just want to say thanks,
everybody, for coming.

Everybody knows I ----ing
want to do a facelift,

'cause we've seen marge sr.

I'm not so apt to go
under the knife so fast,

so I said, "why don't we do
all these great face masks?"

I have this great
special korean mask.

The charcoal masks I do--
also great for my pores.

- I didn't wear any makeup.
You told me not to.

- Yes, everybody's wearing,
like, makeup, so we'll--

I have the masks right here.

- I'm not gonna do one 'cause
I'll have a reaction to it.

I'm gonna
do it to you guys.

- All right, everybody,
please sit down.

What do you do?

Oh, you just squeeze it out
and put it on.

Ooh!
It's gook-y.

- Do you have makeup wipes?

All right.
Thank you.

- Once you get your mask,

make your way
to the omelet station.

- Here, dolores.
[indistinct chatter]

- oh, that's cold.
- Oh, my god.

- Marge, I feel like
I can hire you

as an aesthetician
at our office.

- I know.
I'm amazing.

- That's true.
- I'm sorry. I'm allergic to--

there's cocoline
and coconut in all of these.

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm not gonna risk it.

You know how allergic
I am to everything.

- Not to penis.
- [laughs]

- it's no secret
danielle and I have been

having our differences lately,

but dolores is being just
a little bit relentless.

- All right,
I'm gonna grab some food.

- Yes, go.
- What else is down there?

Is there anything down there
for me?

- Yeah, omelets.

- Danielle doesn't deserve it,

even though she is the most
high-maintenance woman I know.

- I don't know--
if they have butter

in the pans, though, honey,
I could get really sick.

- Danielle,
they'll wipe out the pan.

- It's not that easy.
I wish it was.

But thank you, honey.
So can I just get some fruit?

Is there a smaller
plate, honey?

- She's so much ----ing work,

and this one, she's getting
married, and I'm not.

[laughs]
I don't get it.

- Aw.
- I don't get it.

So, here,
I look at danielle.

She's got a ring on her finger,

and I can't get david to commit
to a dinner reservation.

How does she always find
another sucker?

Does she practice voodoo?

- Let me go get some food.

- Wait, who wants mimosas?
- I'll have one.

- Danielle, are you ready
for your wedding this weekend?

- Marty hasn't spoke to me
since the bachelorette party.

- [gasps]
but you didn't see him

last night when you got home?

- No, he didn't want
to come home

and see what I look like
after I've been with strippers.

- Did he put
a black light on you?

[laughter]

- wait, did you have strippers
at your bachelorette party?

- Yeah.

- I didn't get to have
anything like that.

My bachelorette party, like,

I was not allowed to have
a stripper, like, none of that.

I think I missed out on life.

I would've been so nervous
that I was gonna get a divorce.

- "I'm melissa gorga,
and I'm always perfect."

[laughs]

- no, I'm absolutely not.
- "I'm perfect.

I don't want to get
in trouble."

- seriously, do I portray
that or something?

- Yes, yes, always.
- 'cause that's insulting.

- Melissa, listen, it comes off
sometimes as being fake.

I don't know how else
to explain it.

I just feel like you cop out
by saying, "I'm upset," or...

Even the thing
with teresa, like,

"I don't want to be
involved with this."

- but, dolores--
- I don't think you're afraid

to approach joe about anything.

When she asked you to do it,
you were like,

"I don't want to get involved.
I don't want to get involved."

- I don't think that's fair,
not at all.

- My blood's already
starting to boil.

It's like, why is she butting

into my family'
business again?

You don't even know me
or my family

or anything about me,
so shut the (bleep) up.

- I think it was her right
to decide--

- jackie, you just met her
two minutes ago,

so how do you know
what she's thinking?

- I actually didn't meet her
two minutes ago.

- You've been here
five minutes.

If you want to make it to ten,
I would shut it if I were you.

[dramatic music]

- You've been here
five minutes.

If you want to make it to ten,
I would shut it if I were you.

This is my sister-in-law.

- Do you own her?
- How ----ing dare you?

- Okay, relax with the cursing.
- No, I ----ing curse.

You don't ----ing like it,
too ----ing bad.

- Oh, my god, guys--
- I ----ing curse.

- Talk to me like
a civilized human being.

- Oh, why?

- You don't sound intelligent
right now.

- I don't give a (bleep)!

- You have to stop
yelling at me.

I'm way too old
to be yelled at.

- Well, you don't cross
the ----ing line.

You don't do that.
You don't do that.

Maybe other people--

- who do you think
you are, teresa?

- Not with me.
Not with me.

- Who do you think you are?
- Wow.

- You don't go
in between family.

You don't talk about me.

You don't talk
about my husband.

- I'm not even talking
about you right now.

- Don't you ever, ever, ever...

- I'm talking about melissa.

- I'm continuing
from jennifer's house.

You don't talk
about our family.

- Then have the conversation
in private.

Teresa, you don't get
to make all the rules

and then everyone else
just has to follow them.

- If you knew better,

you wouldn't get involved
with family.

- All right.

- No, but the words
you should avoid

is ever talking
about her husband.

[tense music]

what she told me last night
is unacceptable.

- Danielle, you weren't
even there, okay?

So chill out.
- Oh, I wasn't there,

but she told me
at my bachelorette party,

so don't dismiss me.

- Here's danielle
defending me,

and melissa's just
sitting there silent.

That's ----ed up.

You don't know me
or my husband...

- Okay, fine.
- Or our situation.

- Okay.
I still stand by my statement.

- Oh.

Not a good move.
Not a good move.

Fire's coming out
of teresa's eyes.

- Well,
I think you're ----ing

----ed up for saying that.

- Okay.

- But the facts are the facts.
Joe's in jail.

And if teresa
could've controlled joe

and what he was doing...
He wouldn't be there.

- Nobody ----ing gets
in between us.

- I get it.
- And you shouldn't allow--

- and don't let her!

Dolores can talk to you,
and that's fine,

and when jackie talks for me,
it's not okay?

- Wait, wait. Tell me how long
you know this girl.

- A long time.
- You ----ing always tell her--

- teresa.

- I know her
20-something years.

Oh, so, if she wants
to make a comment, it's okay.

- Teresa.

I am so over
the double standard.

Like, yeah, I've known
all the ladies in the group

a lot longer than jackie,
but, teresa, like,

you're wrong,
and she's right here.

No one can control
their husband.

No.
Mm-mm.

- I feel very close to melissa.

Sometimes, friendships form
faster than other friendships,

and I'm not sorry about that.

[chair scrapes]

all right, where's she going?
She's pissed?

Is she pissed?

- Are you okay?
- Am I okay?

Baby, I'm good.

I'm not scared
of teresa giudice.

My parents taught us
to not let people

bully us into shutting down,
so you can scream at me,

but that's only gonna make me
stand my ground even more.

I don't care
who tries to scare me.

- You good?
[water running]

- I've been holding that in.

- Teresa, she doesn't get it.
- Please.

She's smart enough.
You don't ----ing say that.

- Somebody yelling at me,
"(bleep)," isn't gonna make me

change my mind when I feel like
I have a valid point.

- Sometimes that's the way we
talk in new jersey, new york,

when you want to be passionate
about something.

What other way would you
expect teresa to behave?

I mean, you're sitting there
attacking her husband.

I don't understand why
it just doesn't get

through her thick skull
that this is something

that was highly inappropriate
and in poor taste.

- I'm very protective
of the people

that I've been around
for a very long time.

And also, she and I did not
have a very good beginning...

- Okay.
- In our relationship.

We worked hard to get
to this point in our...

- I don't understand why that's
relevant to this conversation,

but okay.
- It's all relevant.

You're really cocky.
- First of all, I'm not cocky.

I'm not cocky.
I'm a very modest person.

I don't think
I've said anything cocky,

so I don't think that's
the correct choice of word.

Danielle, shut up.

Sorry, but I'm not letting
somebody like danielle

lecture me on relationships,

when she goes through fiancés
like toilet paper.

- Listen, she's feeling

attacked right now, obviously--
that's why she's hurt.

- Oh, my god.
- Not by you, by everybody.

- Why are you defending her
so much?

- Who?
- What happened?

Did you guys, like--

did you got a little lesbian
thing going on there?

- I'm washing my face.

- I'm gonna wash my face, too.
- Let's wash our faces.

This is getting
very ----ing heated.

- [sighs]

- I was hoping
for a beautiful day

of, like, everybody bonding

over nice masks.

Instead of mud masks,
it's a mudslinging.

That's what's really happening.

- I think when melissa's--
I don't buy that

she's afraid to go
to your brother with sh--.

- As far as I'm concerned,

I'm done
with melissa and jackie.

They could stay up each other's
asses, for all I care.

- Don't you think that
it's kind of rude?

She's, like, judging
your sister-in-law--

- she was not judging her.

If I thought she was
judging my sister-in-law,

I'd be ----ing pissed at her.

- Well, not for nothing,

I think teresa just needs
to know no matter what,

you acknowledge
that you're her family.

She wanted you to be there
for her, no questions asked.

- No, you weren't there.

- How is she gonna
control him, danielle?

- See you bitches in bimini.
- Bye, everybody.

- Oh, my god,
I'm getting married

next time I see you.

- Have a safe flight, babe.
- Yeah, you too.

Get me out of here.

[door closes]

- where's teresa?
- They left.

- She left
without saying good-bye?

- All right.
Whew.

- Well, margaret, that was
such a wonderful brunch.

Thank you.

- Well, jeez, I mean,
that was ----ing intense.

I hate that teresa and melissa
are leaving like this,

because now we got a ton of
baggage to bring on this trip.

- It's the yelling.

Just, like,
have a ----ing conversation.

- I mean, I kind of wish
I could just stay back

with dolores,
jackie, and jennifer.

I was hoping for a nice tan,
a nice wedding,

and now it's not even
gonna be fun.

- Ugh. All right, ladies.
I'm gonna head out.

Bye, honey.
- Good-bye, honey. Mwah.

- I hope you feel
more youthful.

- Bye, guys.

Little miss perfect
has to go now.

- [laughs] oh, god.
- Seriously.

My blood pressures goes up
every time we're together.

[upbeat music]

- milania,
can you not wrinkle that?

- What the hell is this?
- That's a cover-up.

Wait, I got a d-cup?
But I lost my boobs.

I need a c-cup...
[laughs]

- you're actually,
like, really weird.

Can you stop?

♪ ♪

- why am I always
packing you?

- I worked 15 hours today.

What'd you do--go to the gym?
You went to the cooch doctor?

- Laser hair removal
on your cooch.

- [chuckles]

- that cooch is nice,
though, isn't it?

- Yeah.

[mellow music]

- joe, I don't even know
what else to grab here.

- Bring something that looks
like a jaguar or something.

♪ ♪

- joe, you're not helping me.
- [laughs]

- you know what the problem is?

Danielle wants us to do
a bride squad photo shoot.

But look at this bathing suit.

I'm gonna have to wear
a bra with it.

My tits hang down to my knees
with it on.

- [laughs]

- danielle just dropped
a bomb on us

that we are gonna be doing a
photo shoot on the beach, like,

you know, "sports illustrated"
bridal models.

- You guys are the bride squad.

- You really want to do that?
- Yeah.

- I thought it's kind of corny.
Like, I don't know.

That's something, like, you do
in your 20s.

- It is corny. No, but it's
corny, and it's cute corny.

- 50-year-old bitches
in bathing suits

doing a bridal photo shoot--
because that's the photos

you want hanging in your house.

Very sophisticated.

I'm ----ing 51 years old.
I'm the ----ing bride squad?

So embarrassing.

- She's gonna be
bridezilla times ten.

- But I want to make her happy

'cause we had this
----ing vicious fight

'cause she was feeling unloved,
and she's like,

"I got to be the
center of attention.

You got to pay attention
to me."

and the other thing is,
this whole trip could be, like,

mass hysteria
besides the wedding.

- Why?
- 'cause we have, like,

gorga-giudice
cuckoo-ness going on.

It's just high ----ing drama.

- Teresa--she went off on
jackie like a damn pit bull.

Like, her veins were
popping out of her neck,

and, like, this is the problem.

Teresa has no middle, and
I feel like you do not either.

You guys are either, "namaste,"
or, "I will kill."

like,
there's nothing in between.

So the fact that
we're gonna be in bimini

all together for this wedding--

and the last time
you saw your sister,

you punched a punching bag--
stresses me out.

I would love for you two
to, like, talk at some point

and just wash this away.

- We'll see what happens,
see how she acts.

I'm not talking about it,
all right?

- I'm gonna miss you guys.

I wish you guys
were coming with me.

- Where are you going, again?

- It's an island
off of bahamas.

It's called bimini,

and I'm staying
at the resorts world bimini.

You know, I'm gonna be
the only one single there.

Everybody else has a date.

- I have a date for you.
- Who's my date?

Bella, you're my date?
All right, I'm gonna pack her.

[laughs]

- coming up...

- Those dresses are
taking up all the seats.

- If these blow overboard,
my wrath will not be pretty.

- Bridezilla's
on the ----ing loose already.

- I'm gonna lose my sh--
in a minute.

Oh, my god.

Only tylenol® rapid release gels

have laser drilled holes.

They release medicine fast,

for fast pain relief.

Tylenol®

[mellow music]

[cell phone ringing]

- jackie?
Ugh, what does this one want?

Hello?

- Hey, dolores.
It's jackie.

- Oh, hi, jackie.
How are you?

I do.
I'm actually just on my way

to the shelter
to drop off some donations.

- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah, well, you know...

I'm going to be honest, jack.

I'm little surprised
to hear from you.

[laughs]
that explains the call.

I don't like the way
teresa spoke to me,

and I don't want her to think

that she could ever
get away with that,

but if things stay sour
with me and teresa,

it wouldn't be good
for me and melissa.

I really like melissa.

I really feel a genuine
friendship when I'm with her,

so I don't need the drama
with her sister-in-law.

- Oh, of course.
We're all grown adults here.

Since jackie
reached out to me,

I feel this is a good time
to get off my chest

what I have to say to her
and to explain to her

about why teresa is so upset.

I will educate you, jackie.

Yeah, they're all away
for danielle's wedding.

[laughs]
more than you know.

[laughs goofily]

[energetic music]

- it's time to get
----ing married here.

♪ ♪

- it's time to get married.

- Well, this one's the charm...
[laughs]

♪ ♪

- teresa, salut.
- [laughs]

- oh, my god.
- Whoa.

- That's water right there.
- Look how pretty it looks.

[bright electronic music]

- ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to bimini.

- It's gorgeous.

- We made it.
We made it.

- Hi.
- Thank you, love.

- Ma, be careful
coming down the stairs.

- I will.
- Hi.

- Oh, sh--.
- Congratulations.

- How am I supposed
to carry this down there?

Where's all the people
to help me?

I need people to help me.

Not happening.

- I love danielle, but no way
am I carrying her bags.

I mean, do I look like
the ----ing valet?

- Got it, baby?
It's heavy.

- I know.
- Can we go?

- All right, should we go?
Let's do danielle's wedding.

[upbeat tropical music]

- ooh, look at that water.

- I just want to
throw everybody in.

All the bitches that
weren't helping me

are going in the water.
- [laughs]

- oh, right,
we're going in a boat.

That's right.
We're going on a boat.

- No, you don't understand.

Bimini--we're, like,
in the middle of nowhere.

- Don't let the gowns
blow over.

- You better not.
I'm telling you right now.

You guard those with your life.
- All right.

- Stop, stop.
I'm gonna fall.

Thank you.

- Honey...
Oh, marone.

- What do you want me to do?

- It's falling
all over the place.

Hold on to the hangers
is what I want you to do.

I'm gonna lose my sh--
in a minute.

- Those dresses are
taking up all the seats.

- Put it over here.

- Let's lay the dresses on this
so we can sit there.

- Put it over here.

I do not like the way
this feels and looks.

- This is very expensive.

- It's gonna fall off of that.

Marty, you gonna hold these?
- Yeah.

I don't want to
hold them too hard

'cause I might wrinkle them.
- You better hold them.

These blow overboard,

my wrath will not be pretty.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]

- hi.

- Hey, dolores.
How are you?

- I have some donations.

- I'm so glad to see you.
- How are you?

I've been coming
to this specific shelter

for over a year now,

and my ultimate goal with
the shelter and these women

is really just
listen to their stories

and to tell them,
"it's gonna be okay."

- we have new clients.

Now the previous clients
are all gone.

- Well, let's go. Let's go meet
these people downstairs.

After I got divorced,
I felt so alone.

I used to walk in my house
from the kitchen

to the living room
to the kitchen.

I would walk in circles
just to get through the night,

but eventually I started
to pick up the pieces,

and things did get better.

Oh, hello, everybody.

So I like to tell them
they're gonna be okay.

Just don't lose hope.

How's everybody doing?
- Fine.

- So I'd like to just
introduce myself.

My name's dolores.

I'm gonna just
start off by saying,

if anybody here wants
to tell their story,

you know, it always helps,

because then you find out
you're not alone.

- Well, I'm jahneé.

I was on my own since I was 16

and had my daughter
when I was 19.

And then I had a boyfriend
put his hands on me.

I had to put a restraining
order on him, actually.

Didn't know where to go,

so that's when
I moved into the shelter.

- Do you realize
that you're stronger

than a lot of women
can ever be?

So you should
be proud of yourself.

- Mm-hmm.
- Let me hear about you, man.

- My name is jennifer.

I actually owned my home

for 29 years.

I owned a day-care business.

Then last year,

I started getting sick.

End up losing my business
because I was sick.

I end up losing my home.

My first thought was,

"I'm going in a shelter."

you know, nobody ever thinks
that they would be,

you know, where they are.

- Listen, you built yourself a
business once and a home once.

You could do it again,
and you will.

Right?
- Yeah.

- Hard times are temporary.
I promise that.

I'm just talking
from experience.

A lot of these women don't
have the comfort of family

or friends that
can even act as family.

Those are real problems.

My stuff with frank,
all my little bullsh--...

I was talking to frankie,
and I didn't realize

that you told him before you
told me about your disbarment.

- [sighs]

doesn't matter.

Talking with these women
is a constant reminder

of, don't sweat
the small stuff.

The hurt is new.
- It is.

- But it subsides, and I'm
here if you need anything.

- We're grateful for your help.

- You letting me help you
makes me feel good,

so don't ever feel funny
about asking for anything.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- oh, this is so pretty!
- We're done.

- I want to go jet-skiing.
- I'd love to jet-ski.

- Guys, we got work to do.
No time for jet skis.

I'm a needy bitch.

So I need every one
of my needs catered to.

Jillian's been busting her ass.

She's done more
in two days than

all of you have done.

- Oh, my god.
- Whoa.

- We all planned a beautiful
bachelorette for you.

- So you did do
the bachelorette party.

- Yeah,
so you can't bitch at us.

- You did.
Oh, I could still bitch.

- Oh, my god,
we literally just got here,

and bridezilla's
on the ----ing loose already.

Whew.
It's gonna be a long one.

- We are here for you.

We're gonna have
a table-flipping good time.

- [laughs]

- coming up...

- His kids don't like me.

- I chose you at the detriment
of my relationship with them.

- But I command respect.

- I chose you.
I chose you.

[upbeat music]

- maia, can you bring
a couple more leaf, please?

- We're gonna have
a big family dinner

right before your talent show.

Jakey and his friend
aiden are gonna do

a volcano eruption
for the talent show.

So we got them
this lab coat, mom,

so that he can look like
a mad scientist.

- Oh, my god.

- Mom, can you get me
a watch and a science coat?

I want the same things
that jacob has.

- Hmm. I have one.
Do you want to try it on?

- Okay.

- You know your grandpa
and your uncle mike

are coming over
for dinner tonight?

- I can't believe

he's gonna get married
with somebody from turkey.

Thank god.
Thank god.

- What, you never thought
he would get married?

Every time we would
set him up with someone,

he didn't like the girl,
or the girl didn't like him.

It was just never working out,
but you know what?

He's really into her.

Our family is very close,

so every time we have
big news to share,

we get together with
a traditional turkish dinner.

- This is burning.
- Ugh.

- And tonight is extra special

'cause we're celebrating
my brother's engagement.

And I just can't wait.
I can't wait.

[doorbell rings]
oh, they're here.

Gabby, you want to get
the door, baby?

- Hey.
- Hi, gabby.

- How are you, sweetie?
- Good.

- Hi, daddy.
Cute.

You look so handsome.

[both smooch]
- how was the traffic?

- You guys ready for dinner?

- We're not gonna
wait for bill?

- No, mom. He gets really
annoyed when we wait for him.

It's fine.
He'll come later.

- All right.
- Mom, where are you gonna sit?

- Don't worry about me.
- Uh-huh.

- After I feed all of you,
I'll sit.

- So do you know what's
going on with your uncle?

- He's getting married.
- Thank you.

Do you know the bride's name?
- What's her name?

Melda, good girl.

- And, of course, I'm the one
who connected you with her.

You're welcome.

I met melda six years ago
at my cousin's wedding,

and I absolutely loved her
for my brother,

and even though they were
interested in each other,

she wasn't really ready
to leave turkey to come here.

She knows she has
to move here, right?

Then a few months ago,

melda texted me,
asking me, you know,

what my brother
was up to these days,

because she wants to start
having babies right away,

and my brother's no spring
chicken, and neither is she.

And so
I made this match happen,

and they couldn't be happier.

I was talking to, like,
one of my girlfriends.

I told her, you know, like,
"my brother's getting married."

and she was just like,
"what do you mean?

He didn't even
have a girlfriend."

but, technically,
you spent ten days with her.

- So, yeah, ten days.
- Ten days.

- Yeah.
- It's just so different here.

Like, they don't understand
the concept here sometimes.

In our culture, we believe
in being set up to be married.

My parents were set up,
I was set up,

and, god willing,
my kids will be set up.

- Just like that.

- No one in my family
has ever gotten a divorce,

so the proof is in the pudding.

- Hey, guys.
All: Hey.

- Finally, yay.

- So what did I miss?

- Michael's getting married.
Yay!

I mean, sh--, we've been
trying to get you married off

since our wedding, right?

- True.
- Yeah.

- By next year, we're gonna
have a baby in the family.

- God willing.
God willing.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- we're here!
Whoo!

- Oh, my god, marty.

I'm telling you right
the (bleep) now--

don't you wrinkle those.

Thank you for pitching in,
marge sr.

Look, your mom's gonna replace
you if you're not careful.

- That's okay.
- [laughs]

- find a spot to drop this.
- We've arrived.

[mellow music]

- wow, this is nice.

All right,
now we're talking!

- Hell, yeah.
See, this is what I meant.

- Is there liquor in here,
or did you--

- yes, danielle,
the festivities are beginning.

- There's gonna be people
walking around

with drinks for us.
- Check in, check in.

- No water?
- Okay.

- All right,
let's go get ready for dinner.

Come on, check in.
I'm so sweaty.

And then come get me.

- I'm the only one
giving orders this week.

- All right, fine,
but I got to get you moving.

- [gasps]
wow.

I love this room.

[bright music]

- oh, my god.
This is beautiful.

- Whoa, look at this.

Look at that.
We got a frickin' pool.

- Oh, my god.

I'm so ----ing
naked swimming in here.

- Whoo!
We're gonna party all weekend!

No, no, no, I didn't say
take my shoes off yet.

[laughs] eww.
- Mmm.

- [laughing] eww, joe!
I was just on a dirty plane!

Oh, my god!

- This is beautiful.

Very, very nice.

[line trilling]

- hello?
- Hi.

- Hi, mom.
- I just got here.

It's so beautiful here.

The water--it's, like,
really crystal blue.

It's beautiful,
but I'm all by myself.

Everybody's coupled.

You did that?
Aw.

He's been kind of sweet to me.

No, no, he has.

I definitely
don't want to involve gia

with any family drama anymore.

Oh, can you stick up for me?
'cause I got two against one.

- Yeah, it's not fair.

We get it so much from nonno.
You don't even know.

- Listen to me.
I have no time.

- I've learned
since I lost my mom,

you can't buy back time,
so I would hate for her

not to spend any time
with her uncle

just because
me and him are fighting.

And then who's taking
gabriella to soccer?

Oh, okay.
All right.

So make sure you let him know
that I'm here,

that I got here.

No...
[laughs]

is it?

- How is it with your sister?
You guys seem okay, right?

- I mean,
we're really not talking,

but she's...[scoffs]
you know?

- Listen, at some point,
I think you guys should talk.

- Oof.
- Maybe not right now,

'cause it is about danielle--
it's her wedding.

She needs things to be
all about her.

- Is she really like that,
or she's just busting balls?

- She's really like that.
- No.

- Yeah, marty does not know
what he's in for.

- Look,
there's marty running...

[laughs]

- all right.
Enough with the jokes.

You crack yourself up.

- Well, because
the guy's getting yelled at.

"put my dresses here.
Put my dresses"--

- joe--
- it's only a ----ing dress.

- No, no.
- It was insane.

- But, you know,
brides are crazy,

but you would think
on the third go-round,

they don't act so crazy.

[both laugh]

- coming up...

- Mm.
That's what I think of that.

- That's disrespectful.

You just met her
ten minutes ago,

and you're sticking up for her!
[all shouting]

- enough, enough, enough.
Teresa, shut--

[bright tropical music]

♪ ♪

- ah, ah.

- Danielle, we're here.

- There's a hole in my tongue.
- What?

- Right down the center.
- Did you bite it?

[water rushing]
are you okay?

I mean, I don't want
to laugh, but that's

the biggest ----ing hole
I've ever seen in a tongue.

It looks tremendous.

- [groans]

- what fruit were you eating?

- There you go.
- Cantaloupe?

- You're good. Oy.
It's bleeding again, joe.

Joe's in construction.
He can fix it. [chuckles]

- we got to hold on like this
for just, like, a tad.

- If this isn't
catering to her needs,

I don't know what is--
I mean, come on.

Can I just tell you?

The good thing is,
you look gorgeous.

I'm loaning out my husband
for repairs, for christ's sake.

- Eh.

- Whew.
That was scary.

- What the (bleep)?
How come you knew what to do?

- 'cause he's a plumber.
- [laughs]

he plugs holes.
- I'm a plumber.

I stop things.

- All right, we got to go.
- All right.

- 'cause we're starving.

- Marty,
I feel really bad for you,

but there'll probably be no
blow jobs this weekend, fyi.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- oh.
- This is so nice, babe.

- It's so pretty here.
- Really nice.

- Yeah.

- All right,
right here for me, guys.

- Is a piece of my weave
sticking out,

'cause I feel like it is.
- No, it's not.

- Hey, my name is shaquille,

and I'll be your server
for today, okay?

- You guys put our order in
already, right?

- Yes, ma'am.
- But I want to add--

can we add
the charred artichoke

and the grilled
purple cauliflower?

- Yes, ma'am.
- All right, thank you.

- Did you see this?

- What happened?
You bit your tongue?

- All the way through.
- No, no, literally, like--

- a hole all the way
through my tongue.

He had a washcloth holding
my tongue out of my mouth,

pinching it--
all the way through.

- That is crazy.
- Yeah.

- I actually have
some complimentary shots.

It's called a bahama shot.

- None for me.
- None for you?

- Let's have a toast.

- Can you take
a little sip, tre,

if I give you
some in a little bit?

- Well, just for a cheers.
There you go.

- Oh, a cheer.
- Here you go.

- All right,
so thank you all for coming.

- Cheers.
- Let's have a great weekend.

- Salut.
- Salut.

- So who is super excited

about the bikini shoot
tomorrow?

- Can I tell you?
I cannot wear that all day,

'cause I have to wear
a bra under mine.

- That doesn't look great.

Get the little nippy things.

- No, it's not the nippies.
- Mine's white.

- My tits don't stand
on their own.

I am so not looking forward
to this photo shoot.

Have we not done enough?

We're not young, perky
20-something-year-olds.

Have you ever seen me
in a bathing suit?

Meat, meat, meat,
and more meat.

- So how many people
you got coming?

- How many people
will you have?

- 70.
- 70?

- Wow, that's a lot of people
for a destination wedding.

- Wow.
- I'm very likeable.

- Most days.
[laughter]

- 70 people?
Marty, how many kids you have?

- Three.

- So were all your kids
able to come?

- Two of the three are here.

- They're hanging out
with christine and jillian.

- They're all at the hotel.
It's great to see them there.

- Ah, that's so nice.

- Now, why couldn't
the other one come?

Just busy?

- His kids don't like me.

- They don't like you?

- I guess
that would be the issue.

- Well, the ones that are here,
I'm sure do.

- No, they do not like me.

- I think they like you.
- No, they don't, marty.

- Listen,
things turn around.

Joe's daughter
didn't used to like me.

She literally
----ing hated me.

She told me I'm fake.
But can I tell you?

Things have turned around.
- That's right.

- But I command respect.

- And you deserve respect.
And you deserve respect.

- If you are not
going to respect me,

stay out of my space.

- I don't care what
his kids have said to you.

I don't care what has happened.
You are still the adult.

You suck it up, and you bring
this family together.

Don't do things
to tear it apart.

Don't make this man
not be with his children.

I'm heartbroken for him.

- You know what?
It's really hard for me.

I come from a background--
- it's hard for you?

- Don't cut me off.

- Hold on.
It's hard for me.

- I know you're torn apart
by this.

I do.
- I don't know if you do.

- Oh, no, I totally do,
but I didn't cause this.

- I didn't cause it.
- I just got here, honey.

You raised that, not me.
- That's my point.

- Neither of us caused it.
It happened.

- Least of all me.
- I chose you.

I chose you.

I chose you at the
detriment of them

and my relationship with them,

and therefore,
we have to move on.

Life is short.
That's all I have to say.

So I don't know what--

- are you still marrying me
on Saturday?

[laughs]
- I don't know.

It depends how the rest
of this conversation goes.

[laughter]

- I'll drink to that.
- Let me rephrase that.

Are you still marrying me
on Saturday?

- Let's drink to that.
- All right.

- [laughs mockingly]

bullsh--.
Bullsh--.

Can we have a glass
of wine, please?

If the woman
I was about to marry

said an inkling
about my children, she's out.

Definitely no wedding,
no marriage.

You're over.
I mean, (bleep) that.

- I got the whitefish.
- Yeah, right here.

- It looks good,
the blackened fish.

- So I was getting ready.
Dolores called me.

She said, "congratulations."

- she's got a big mouth,
that dolores.

- She don't have
a big mouth, joe.

- Who gives a (bleep)
what dolores thinks?

That's what I say.

She's bringing up him
on vacation,

saying he was away on the year.

- When it was close
to her mom's anniversary

of her passing away,
you guys were away.

That was a time that

I thought you guys should've
been there for her and her dad.

- I think that's none
of your business.

She called me
"little miss perfect."

like, that's really
----ing annoying.

- No, she didn't say that.
- Yes, she did.

Her exact words were
"little miss perfect."

that pissed me off so bad.

Mm.
That's what I think of that.

- That was her opinion.

- You seem like
you're backing her up.

Guess what.
I'll always have your back.

You should always have mine,
period.

- Oh, you didn't have my back
the other day at her house.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

- But with jackie,
that was wrong, what she said,

and she didn't mean anything...
- I don't give a sh--!

- She's not getting it.
- No, no, no.

- That was ----ed up.
- That's disrespectful.

- Don't talk about--
don't talk about--

- I'm here over two years
without a husband.

My kids have no father.
- We know that,

but she wasn't
talking about him.

- You're ----ing
sticking up for her.

You just met her
ten minutes ago,

and you're sticking up for her!

- All right, all right.
Enough, enough.

- How would she like
if her husband--

- cut it out.
Shut--

- that was ----ed up.
That's disrespectful.

I'm over two years
without a husband.

My kids have no father.
- We know that,

but she wasn't
talking about him.

- You're ----ing
sticking up for her!

You just met her
ten minutes ago,

and you're sticking up for her!

- All right, all right.
Enough, enough.

- How would she like
if her husband...

- Cut it out. Shut--
hey, teresa.

- How would she feel
if her kids didn't have...

- Get up. Let's go over there.
Come here.

Teresa, over here.
Teresa, up, come on.

Come over here.
- It's a sensitive situation.

- Enough with this nonsense.

- Yeah, you don't ----ing
talk about my husband,

----ing asshole.

- I've had enough of this sh--
with me and my sister arguing.

I get it, all right?
We're brother and sister.

- Why, are we called
to the principal's office?

- I mean, what are we doing?
Getting reprimanded?

- But melissa and teresa--
I can't deal with it anymore.

Listen.
- What?

- This sh--'s got to stop.

It's, like, getting
out of control.

- What do you think's going on
here? Joe pulled them away.

I mean, look what's
going on over there.

- Because this is what
should happen.

It's less about jackie,
and it's more

about what melissa did
in this situation.

You can't not take your
sister-in-law's back.

That's family.

- Listen, melissa feels like
someone's in her corner.

- Teresa needs to feel like
someone's in her corner

at all times, especially
when it comes to her family.

- Well, so does melissa.
She needs that, too.

- Well, she didn't have my back
the other day.

Like, she should've been like,

"that's my ----ing
sister-in-law.

Don't ----ing say that.
Her husband's not here."

- but she was
backing me up because

you were on my ----ing neck.
- "her husband's not here."

[both arguing]
- all right, eh, eh...

Listen, listen, listen.
Enough.

I don't want to deal
with this nonsense.

Jackie--
who the (bleep) is she?

You have to understand,
that's your sister, right?

You guys got
to love each other.

[soft dramatic music]

- I don't hear screaming.

- Trust me.
She loves you.

She does.
She really, really does.

- We're arguing
about these other people,

but as long as we're good,
I don't give a (bleep).

You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

- And I don't want to argue
with you anymore.

We were doing so good.

I don't want to
get at this point.

If I could hang out with daddy
every day, I would,

but it's just not--listen--
- not every day.

- But let me explain something.

It's not like I'm hanging out
with my friends

and playing golf every day.

I'm not.
I'm working.

I'm really ----ing
working my ass off.

- I get it, but I don't want
you to miss out.

Like, I feel like those
11 1/2 months I was away,

like, I'd missed out
with mommy.

I didn't know mommy
was gonna leave us, and I--

you know, I just don't want you
to have any regrets.

- It makes me so upset

that my sister lost a year of
spending time with my mother,

because you know what?

Family's everything.

If she would've just said that
in the first place,

we wouldn't have to go through
all this nonsense.

Done.

Listen, I stormed down on you.
I apologize.

I want you to know,
as your brother,

I'm extremely proud of you.

What do I say about her?

- He says you're amazing.
You do everything.

You pick yourself
right back up.

- And I always tell everybody,
you know,

thank you for doing all
the arrangements for mommy.

Like, joe,
I was, like, so devastated.

Like, there was no way
I could've did any of that.

Like, that's the one day
I couldn't be strong.

- You're strong with daddy
every day.

You took him in,

and you're taking care
of your daddy like that.

- My brother and I go
through our ups and downs,

but, like,
when I really need him,

he's always there for me.

So we just need
to stick together

and do what's best for my dad.

- So no more fighting.

Let's not disappoint ourselves

and our father and our mother.

- Well, I would never do that.
- We're not gonna argue again.

You know I love you.
- I love you, too.

- All right.
- [laughs]

- all right? No more.
Give me a kiss.

[all smooching]

all right, now,
let's go join these people

'cause they got issues.
- Oh, my god.

- Do you love each other?

- Yes.
- Yay!

- Can we get the (bleep)
out of here?

- Yes.
- Let's go.

- We got to get
our beauty sleep

if we're doing
this photo shoot tomorrow.

- Oh, god.
----Ing shoot me.

[laughter]

- coming up this season

on "the real housewives
of new jersey"...

- What do you have,
short-term memory loss?

- What?
[laughs]

- nice.
- I think we're the same color.

- Go get undressed,
take your sh-- off,

and put a ----ing hot
g-string on, too, mother----er.

- I need to go.

- Hello, cabo!

- It's like the clown
in "poltergeist." [squeaks]

- whoo!
Oh, sh--.

- Thank you for coming.
Let's get this party started!

- Let's go, milania!

- ♪ let's go,
big up my bestie ♪

♪ tay-tay and stephanie ♪

oh, my god.

- How you doing?
- Hi.

- "does giving too many gifts
create spoiled children?"

written by jackie.
- Oh, my gosh.

She's talking about jennifer.

- It's a backstabbing move.

- I'm not gonna apologize for
you being paranoid, jennifer.

- Someone's got to step up
and make sure

the rest of this day,
it's about me.

- You're a liar!

Get out of here!
- Oh!

- You're an old dog
with no new tricks.

- Bring it, bitch.

Just get your
----ing ass kicked.

Who the (bleep) are you?

- You better open your eyes
with that one.

- Now I'm going
the (bleep) home.

- To learn more about
"the real housewives,"

- Previously on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

[all shouting excitedly]

- this is, like, the first time
it's really all about me.

- I heard I was, like,
the topic of oklahoma.

- Because you never
hang out with daddy

'cause you're with your wife.

- Get the (bleep) out of--
- oh, my god.

- Shove it up your ----ing ass.

- Melissa, whatever she said,
made him explode.

- I am so pissed off
at melissa.

That's not what family does.

- If melissa's not gonna
stand up for you,

I got you, baby.

- Why would you get him
all amped up?

- Do you really think that

melissa can control
her husband?

- Yeah.
- You feel like your husband

would be in jail if you
could control what he did?

- With everything
going on with all of us,

I think I should host a brunch,
then we could all be together.

I think we need to do
something therapeutic.

[bright music]

- I can make you laugh

or make you cry.

Your choice.

- Don't try to bully me.

Go free!

'cause I'm a boss.

- I have four kids,
two degrees,

and one kick-ass life.

- I may put up a tough front,

but I'll never
leave you behind.

- I'm obsessed with family,
traditions,

and chanel.

- These days,
I don't throw punches.

I roll with them.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- oh, hi.
This looks beautiful.

Glamorous.
Fabulous.

Yogurt parfaits
and the little breads,

which all these skinny girls
won't eat, so more for me.

Very happy.
[doorbell rings]

- well, hello. Hi.
- Hi, look how cute you look.

- You look so cute.
Both: Mwah.

- Welcome.
- Thank you for having me.

- We're gonna have omelets.
- Oh, my goodness.

We're gonna have
a whole little event.

We'll do mud masks,
sit and have brunch, bullsh--.

- Oh, my goodness. You are the
hostess with the mostest.

- I try.

- You got to teach me
how to do this.

- It's called pick up the phone
and call the caterer.

- Right.
I'm good at that.

- I know.
- [laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- hey! Hi, melissa.
- Hey, how you doing?

- Thanks for coming.
- Hi.