The Real Housewives of New Jersey (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 9 - Communion and Confession - full transcript

To all of you
martin and danielle caffrey

as husband and wife.

[all cheering]
kiss your bride!

♪ ♪

- even though sometimes
she can be a little much,

danielle does have
a good heart,

and she deserves
a second chance at happiness.

[laughing]
- I'm married, bitches.

It's official!

- Next time on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- Thank you for coming!



Let's get this party started!
[laughter]

- when you're singing
the hook, right?

Think of a higher pitch.

- I can't wait to grow up.

- "does giving too many gifts
create spoiled children?"

written by jackie.
- Oh, my gosh.

She's talking about jennifer.
- You never talk

about husbands...
- Mm-hmm.

- And children.
- Yeah.

Like, you wanna come at me?

I'm ready.

- To learn more
about the real housewives,

- Previously on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- Look at the balloons.
This house is so pretty.



Oh, and there's,
like, a throne.

- I have a few thrones.
- Yeah.

- Do you know what's going on
with your uncle?

- He's getting married.
- Thank you.

- I write things that people
don't agree with for a living,

and I get off on the people
who don't agree with it.

- Do you want to get married?
Do you want to just

live with somebody?
What do you want?

- I don't know.
- You don't want to be alone.

[dramatic music]

- we're here, whoo!

All the bitches that weren't
helping me are going in.

I've spent the entire weekend
making sure you feel fabulous.

I thought it was
supposed to be about me.

Seriously, what the (bleep)?
- Do you really think that

melissa can
control her husband?

- Yeah.
- Do you feel like your husband

would be in jail if you
could control what he did?

- How ----ing dare you?
- Okay, relax with the cursing.

- I--no, I ----ing curse.

You don't ----ing like it,
too ----ing bad.

- I'm way too old
to be yelled at.

- You've been here
five minutes.

If you want to make it to ten,
I would shut it if I were you.

I'm here over two years
without a husband.

- She wasn't talking about him.

- You're ----ing
sticking up for her!

- All right, all right, enough.

- We're arguing about these
other people, but honestly,

as long as we're good,
I don't give a (bleep).

- So no more fighting.
You know I love you.

- I love you, too.

[bright music]

- I can make you laugh

or make you cry.

Your choice.

- Don't try to bully me.

Go free!

'cause I'm a boss.

- I have four kids,
two degrees,

and one kick-ass life.

- I may put up a tough front,

but I'll never
leave you behind.

- I'm obsessed with family,
traditions,

and chanel.

- These days,
I don't throw punches.

I roll with them.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- I can't do anything
with these nails.

- [laughs]

see, you want nails.

You want me to help you?
- Yeah.

- You're not going
to tie them, right?

- Just give me this.
- Sorry.

Give me a kiss.

♪ ♪

give me a kiss!

- Marlanie, what are you doing?
Growing the coffee beans?

- Few minute, few minute, okay?
- No, that's--no.

Sugar, two sugars.
No equal.

- Oh.
- What is she doing?

- She marlanie.
We'll never know.

[laughter]

[groovy music]

- [screams]

- shh.
- [screams]

see you later!

- She's going to wake them up.

- Wait, wait for me.
- [giggles]

- olivia, did you just fart?
- Yes.

[bright music]

- good morning.
What's happening?

- Nothing.

- That was just like
when I kiss my grandmother,

just now, that kiss.

♪ ♪

- I'm still very angry
with frank.

I was talking to frankie,

and I didn't realize
that you told him

before you told me
about your disbarment.

But you know what?

I've been all alone
in that home for 20 years,

and because david doesn't have
a lot of spare time for me,

frank is now company.

So at the end of the day,

I would rather stay angry
than be lonely, you know?

♪ ♪

- look how nice the dogs are
sitting here the whole time.

And I know exactly
what she wants.

She thinks she has me fooled
that she loves me.

- You should be used to that.

- [exhales]

♪ ♪

- hi, how are you?

- Can I get a table for two?
- Absolutely.

- Do you have
anything outside?

- Uh, we do, yes.

We have a table
right here for you.

- Oh, perfect.
Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

♪ ♪

- hi.
- Hey.

It's so cute out here, right?
- I know.

How are you?
- I feel like I haven't

seen you in forever.
- I know.

Everything's good?
How are you?

- Yeah, everything's
really good.

- You ready for the communion?
- [scoffs] not really.

My little giuseppe,
he's making his communion.

- You're so cute.
- Mm-hmm, I really am.

- [laughs]

a lot of people don't make
such a big hurrah over it,

but I'm a party-thrower.
That's my thing, so...

- Can I get you
something to drink?

- Yes, please.
Do you do sangria?

- Of course.
- I'll have one of those.

- I'll be right back.
- Well, it's my

first communion, so I have
nothing to go off of,

but it sounds like
a bar mitzvah.

- Oh, that looks so pretty.
Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Kinda, yeah.

It's our bat--bat mitzvah.
Bar mitzvah.

- Bar mitzvah.
- It's our bar mitzvah.

When did you get back?
- Um, a couple days ago.

- I want to hear all about it.

- Well, it was
a beautiful wedding,

but she felt like
nothing was about her.

She's like "it's about me,
it's about me, it's about me."

we're like
"yes, it's about you."

I just--you know,
I hope they last.

I don't know, we'll see.
[both laugh]

- I hope so, too.

Both: Hi.
- Are you guys ready to order?

- Order, right?
Yes.

I think I might do
the spring market salad

with, like,
grilled chicken in it.

- Can I do the club wrap?
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- So, wait, how are things
with teresa?

- The first night
we were there,

her and I started to go at it,
and it stressed my husband out.

And he was like "this needs
to stop here and now."

and he's right, I don't
want to argue with her.

So for right now,
we're doing pretty good.

- Good.
I've been thinking about

the fight with teresa,
and I wanted to talk somebody,

so I called dolores.

- Anger always comes
out of being hurt.

You really gave her a low blow.
I think you hurt her.

- I don't want anyone
to be hurt,

especially someone
who's vulnerable,

and I think she is right now.
- This looks so good.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

- But I'm not sorry
for having a voice,

and I'm not sorry
for having an opinion

in a public conversation.

- Between you and I,
she really seems still like

she's really pissed about it.

- She did nasty things
to me as well.

I mean, she went
----ing bananas.

I mean, she just screamed at me
like a maniac,

and cursed me,
and kind of threatened me.

- You know,
she's feeling insulted,

and she needs,
like, an apology.

But I get
what your point is, too,

where I wouldn't want anyone
screaming in my face.

- Speaking to me like that
is never going to be okay.

She's going to treat me with
more respect going forward,

and until I'm sure
that I'm going to get that,

I'm not extending
any olive branches.

Here's my question.
The communion is coming up.

Do you think teresa
is going to start with me?

Like, flip the (bleep) out?
- Well, here's the thing.

With my experience with teresa,

it's just like,
you never know.

- I appreciate jackie
backing me up,

but it would make my life
a lot easier

if jackie and teresa
get along.

I don't know if teresa is
willing to make my life easier,

and forgive jackie.

Sometimes, I think she likes
to make my life more difficult.

Like, honestly,
between you and I,

like, it is my son's communion.
- Okay.

- This poor child.
Like, he has no idea

what his christening was.

- Didn't I say
congratulations at church?

- Teresa, take a walk.
- Why'd you invite me, then?

- Take a walk, take a walk...

- All right, fine.
- Mother----er.

- Oh, god.
And now, I'm, like, nervous.

Give me a prayer, please.
- Oh, my god.

I wish I had the power.
- Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

- We got to do the prayer,
we got to do the prayer.

[laughs]

[groovy music]

- this is so exciting.
- We're shopping for our bride.

♪ ♪

- hi, maria.
- Hi.

- Good news, michael's going
to get married soon.

- Wow, congratulations.
- Hi!

- Oh, you're beautiful.
It's been so long.

- I always shop in this store,
so maria's known me for years.

- What's going on?
How are you doing?

- Thank you so much...
- Of course.

- Excitingly blurted out,
my brother, you know michael...

- Yes.
- Is getting engaged.

- Oh, my god.
That's so exciting.

- The bride is in turkey.
- Okay.

- It's customary for us
to buy the bride a dress, so...

- I'm so happy.
- Oh, my god.

Everything looks
so bling-y and sparkly.

Typically, in a traditional
turkish culture,

the bride's family
is responsible

for the promise
of engagement party,

but the groom's family
is supposed to provide gifts.

Maybe he likes
to dress up the bride

in some kind
of jewelry, dresses.

Of course, your louis vuittons.

This is so cute.
- This is too open for that.

- Too open?
- Too open.

I don't want people

to start talking.
- Yeah.

You know, when you come
from an immigrant-based family,

respect was a huge factor.

I mean, we didn't talk back
to our parents.

- I think this one's nice,
too, for her.

I like the puffy look.
- All right, so let's--

- it's not too open
in the front.

- My mom was a scary woman,

and when she said something,
we listened.

But, you know,
she's a lot nicer now.

- Jen, look at this.
- Let me see.

Oh, that's really pretty.
- She's--it's very pretty.

- Let's get maria.
Maria, this dress.

Does this dress come
in a short version?

- Yes, actually, it does.

This is one of our
newest dresses.

- This is great.
So we'll have to--

- so let me check
the inventory on these.

- Okay, let's go over here.
- It's not only that one.

- This one looks very pretty.

- All right, what do you say
about this?

- That's old lady-like.
- I know.

What am I, young lady?
- Oh, that's for you?

For you, it's perfect.

I'm just so happy for michael

that he finally found somebody
that he wanted,

but the one problem with
marrying men from our culture

is they believe that
because they make the money,

that the woman has
to do everything else.

It's like, I can't complain
to bill about anything,

because he gives me a good life
and I'm supposed to--

you know, and I'm
very grateful.

- I do complain.
Of course I complain.

He's not around enough,
and all he says

is that I spoil the kids
all the time,

and that I don't
discipline them.

- You're always being
manipulated by the children.

- I'm doing my best,
it's not easy.

It's five kids.
They all come at me at once,

and if they don't get what they
want, then they scream and cry.

- If you took a stand
a little stronger,

I don't think that you'll feel
as overwhelmed sometimes.

- You know, jen, at this point,
I'm taking the man's side.

I'm sorry.
He works hard, you know.

- I know he works hard,
but then, when he has his time,

he chooses to spend it
with his friends.

You know, it bothers me.
- Jen, I know it bothers you,

but once in a while,

man needs to be alone
with his friends.

- Oh, gosh, just one day,

I would like someone
to take my side.

How about that?

- So I thought that this would
be an amazing option for her.

- Oh, my god.
I am obsessed with that.

And then there was, like,
that other long one

that you said you had
in the short.

- Absolutely.
- Okay, great.

We'll take both of those.
- All right.

- Yeah, thank you so much.
- Sure, no problem.

There's a wedding
in our future.

We're going to turkey.

- Coming up...
- Teresa's breaking my balls

a little bit.
She's like, you know,

"you got to hang out
with daddy more."

- you got to make time, bro.

You're never going to sit
on your deathbed

and say "I wish I worked more."

[bright music]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- did you memorize the words?

- Oh, my god.
You're so annoying.

- [laughs]

- yeah, we got to give her
the run down before we start.

We going to just basically
break down the song to her.

- Yeah.
- Hello.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What's good?
[chuckles]

what's up, what's up, y'all.
- Hey.

- So milania,
this is rgf m80.

This is b'iousha.
- Hey.

- Hey, how you doing?

- They going to
show you the ropes.

You ready?
- Yup.

- Nit is fetty wap's producer,

and milania loves fetty wap,

so we went
to one of his concerts.

And backstage,
we got to talking about

how we're all having a hard
time with joe being away.

- Give me five.
Up high.

- Even though
my daughters go see him

and text with him
all the time,

milania lashes out,
and it affects her at school.

She gets frustrated easily.

Are you missing daddy?

- Obviously.

- No, I know--
- stop.

I don't like
to talk about this.

- I want her
to express herself,

and nit suggested
singing and rapping

could help her get through
this rough time.

- So I've been rapping.
- Really?

- Rap?
- You're going to be a rapper?

- Yeah.

- Basically, there's
a difference between

rappers and singers,
you know what I'm saying?

She going to help you out
with the hook part,

and I'm going to help with--
- the melody.

- You know, with the delivery
for a rapping.

- All right, when you
singing the hook, right?

Think of a higher pitch.
Try it with me.

♪ I can't wait to grow up ♪

- like--will you do it again?

- ♪ I can't wait to grow up ♪

- I can't wait--
- don't be shy.

It's okay.
- All right.

♪ I can't wait to grow up ♪
[laughs]

[tense music]

- milania acts tough,
but she's only 12,

and she's definitely
going through a phase

where she doesn't care
what people think,

but I know sometimes she's
not as confident as she seems.

- Don't be shy, it's okay.
- You got it.

- You got it.

- ♪ I can't wait to grow up ♪

- ♪ I can't wait to grow up ♪

- so if this helps her
to vocalize how she's feeling,

I'm all for it.

- We're going to do
what we got to do

to get you to that next level.

As far as delivery go,

you got to come in
with that energy.

♪ I got dreams of being
in "vogue" magazine" ♪

- ♪ I got dreams of being
in "vogue" magazine" ♪

♪ sitting front row
of fashion shows ♪

♪ with filler playing ♪
- but give me some energy.

So everything that you say, you
want people to believe that.

"oh, she meant that
when she said that."

you really telling your life,
what's really going on.

- You know,
of course I'm her mom,

so I'm like
"milania, you're the best!"

but it's good
to get encouragement

from someone that's doing it
for a living.

- Let's do it with the beat.
- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

♪ and I can't wait to grow up ♪

♪ I'm only getting older ♪
- what.

♪ I'ma travel so much ♪
- said what?

- ♪ I don't care, and so what ♪
- all right.

- We going to keep
running it back

until you get the best
out you tonight.

- Milania, come on,
get into it.

You can do it.
Like, get into it.

- Hey.
- Yeah, get into it.

- ♪ and I can't wait
to grow up ♪

- what?
- ♪ I'm only getting older ♪

both:
♪ mama said it ain't easy ♪

♪ but I don't care, so what? ♪

- I'm just so proud of milania
that she's committing to this,

and it makes me so happy

that she's found a way
to express herself.

- ♪ I can't wait to grow up ♪
- hey, hey, hey.

- ♪ I'ma travel so much ♪

♪ I don't care, and so what? ♪

♪ I don't care, and so what? ♪
- cool, yeah.

[laughter]

hell yeah.
That's lit right there.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- what's up, my brother?
- Good to see you, man.

- How you doing?
- How are you?

- Good to see you,
buddy, as always.

- You picked a nice spot.
They got food?

I'm starving.
- You think I'm going to

pick a place with no food?
Stop that.

You're looking mean.
- You look good, bro.

- So how was the wedding?
- Let me tell you something.

You don't even know what I've
experienced over there.

- [laughs]

- I hear you had
a conversation with marty.

I heard that I stay
with a man just for money,

and I can't wait
to get it confirmed,

because somebody might
get buried in bimini.

- I don't even know
why they're getting married.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, bro.

You know, they're always
not together or fighting.

But he's got to
get over that pussy.

He is, man.
She's got him hooked.

- What the--holy christ.
- Hi, how are you?

Grab you something
to drink right now?

A beer or anything?
- Please.

Vodka on the rocks.
Splash of cranberry.

- And I'm going to have
a soft pretzel.

- No problem.
- Thank you, dear.

- So how's dolores?
Well, what, what's up?

- How would you like to have
your wife as your partner

on the job site with you?

- Oh, oh.
- Welcome to my life.

- As far as the tub.
- There is no tub.

You got the oversize shower.
Nobody uses tubs anymore.

- I want the tub.
It makes a difference.

- Thank you.
- No problem.

- Thank you.
- But are you flipping

or rehabing the houses?

- We're doing
total renovations.

I'm doing minor renovations.

But I got to be honest
with you, man.

It's all moving well, bro.
- Good.

- Oh, my god.
Go right in there.

- Drop it in the middle, right?
- Beautiful.

I'm out there now.
No more suit for me.

- I still don't know
what happened.

- I'm done.
I'm done as an attorney.

- My god.
- You know?

- And how did dolores react
to all this, and your kids?

- Look, my kids knew about it,
but when it happened,

I never said nothing to nobody.

So dolores found out, and then
basically went ballistic on me.

Like "how could you
not tell me?"

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Why didn't you tell her?

- Well 'cause I didn't
want to stress her.

- When I opened up
the restaurant,

I bought it, you know,
without telling melissa.

I wanted to surprise you.
- With what?

- I bought this place.

We fought.
She lost her mind.

When they find out,
it's a disaster

of questions and answering.

- It is what it is, man.

- And it's not worth it, so
he should have just told her.

- All right,
how's your dad doing, bro?

- He's doing good.
- He's doing good, man?

He's over by teresa's?
- Yes, he's by teresa.

She's breaking my balls
a little bit.

She's like "you know, you got
to hang out with daddy more."

I'm like "how?"
- you have to, bro.

- I don't even see my kids.
- You got to make time, bro.

You're never going to sit
on your death bed

and ever say
"I wish I worked more."

- but listen--
- let me tell you something.

My father's getting older, bro.

Any time my father calls me,
I don't care who I'm with.

I see my dad--
- it's hard, man, it's hard.

- Go grab your dad
over today, man.

Go grab a bite to eat.
Go do something, you know?

- I get it,
and I love my father.

I'm going to do better.

I definitely have
to make some more time.

Salud, brother.
- Absolutely brother.

- Nice talking with frank.

You know I always
love you, right?

- You better, bro.

- Coming up...
- You see the newspaper?

"does giving too many gifts
create spoiled children?"

written by jackie.
- Oh, my god.

- What?
- She's talking about jennifer.

[groovy music]

♪ ♪

- ready?
- Do you want me to

take that stuff?

- No, I have it.
- Everyone's good?

- Good.
- All right, I'm excited.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Oh, it's great.
- This is amazing.

- Classic marge.

- So, like,
rock'n'roll girlfriend.

So me.
- Yeah.

- So let's get set up.
- Are you going to

take out my rollers?

Like, I don't want it
too curly.

I don't want to be,
like, grandma-ish.

- If it's too curly,
I'll blow it out to smooth it.

- Okay, all right, I'm so
psyched, because listen.

I need all new photos
for the website,

because all my photos
are, like,

vintage marge from,
like, you know, years ago.

- Yeah, we need
a full website redo.

- I'm so happy brett's
going to do the photos.

- Absolutely.
- Ooh, look at my hair.

So curly.
I look like peg bundy.

- [laughs]

- hello, marge-y.
- Hey, brett.

What's going on?
How are you?

- What's up?
- I'm so happy

you came here
to do the pictures.

- Of course, you look fabulous.
- I look--

well, no, I look fabulous.

No, I got to do my hair.
It's a little big.

- The most heartbreaking thing
through my divorce

was the breakup of my family.

Before joe and I got together,

my stepkids
were my entire life.

So now, two of them
don't speak to me.

- How long has it been?
- Six years.

I'm still not in a good place

with brett's
brother and sister,

but brett and I
have always remained close.

Wait, you know we have
a few looks, right?

- Okay.
- And he's just going to finish

my hair, then we'll
figure out what we have to do.

So what have you been doing?
Have you been busy?

- Really busy, you know.
I've been doing lots of shoots.

- Uh-huh, have you spoken
to your father?

- Not yet.
- Not yet since when?

- Since the funeral.
- Since the funeral?

- Yes.
- Are you kidding me?

- No, I'm telling you
the truth.

- Jan's mother passed away
a few months ago.

Jan and I were married
17 years,

and I call her
my mother-in-law

because I was super close
to my in-laws,

and I was at her funeral
with jan and my stepkids.

You know, it was bittersweet
because I got to see

the other kids,
so that made me happy.

But to be honest, it hurts,
because since the funeral,

it's just been text messages.

You know,
we're not in the place

where I would like to be yet.

It's not bad, it's just not
the way we were.

But I'm working on it.

So it's just, like, weird.

It's like, all these years
gone by,

we're together all the time,

and then,
no one's really together.

- Mm-hmm.
- So it's, like, a little crazy.

You know, there's tension
between you and jan.

I mean, I think you two
got to catch up a little, too.

- No.

- Brett and jan
have always had

a funny,
tumultuous relationship.

Jan is very supportive
of brett,

but I think
as brett got older,

he thought jan
was hard on him,

and brett always harbored some
weird resentment towards jan.

But I don't think it's jan.
I think it's in brett's head.

The bottom line is
I love my ex-husband,

even though he's crazy.
- Yes.

- If I can get along with him,
you should get along with him.

- That's not going to happen.
- Why not?

- Uh, it's just not
going to happen.

- [laughs]

at least you and I are close.
- Yeah.

- Right?
- Okay.

- All right, so I think we got
to get going with this shoot.

What do you have to do?
You have to set up, I think.

- I got to start
setting stuff up, yeah.

- So our first look, I'm going
to be wearing a lot of pink.

- Sounds good.
- Okay, let's go.

Lexi?

- First, we're going to go
through the clothes.

- Everything is amazing
on here.

This dennis basso.
Is this sick?

- You could do that with
a very heavy smoky eye.

Like you've been out all night.

[upbeat music]

- am I definitely doing
the blush look first?

Yes.
- I think that

on that teal sofa is fabulous.

- Okay, we got
to hurry it along.

- All right, let's get you
in an outfit.

- I need my spanx.

A girl is nothing
without her spanx.

[groovy music]

♪ ♪

- you look like baby spice.
- I look like baby spice.

Let's go upstairs.
Let's go upstairs.

Oh sh--, (bleep), I--(bleep).

I'm so graceful,
I almost broke a cankle.

- [laughs]

- to your left, to your left.
Right there.

[camera beeping]

eyes are looking good.
Good, stay there.

[groovy music]

[camera beeping]

beautiful.
Wow, you look beautiful.

- ♪ dun-dun-dun ♪

♪ ♪

- all right, let's go.
Here we go.

[camera beeping]

can you stick your hand up
like "Saturday night fever?"

- I think the coat's too tight.
- Just do it.

[soft music]

- brett always acts
like it's not a big deal

that him and jan
aren't getting along well.

But jan's not getting
any younger.

Not being together now
is something

you're going to regret later.

[camera beeping]

- turn your head this way.
There you go, come on.

Oh, you look fabulous.

- I have a great relationship
with jan.

I have a great relationship
with brett.

I should be able to play
family therapist/matchmaker,

get them back together.
Why not?

- Excellent.
- All right.

- Beautiful.
- I think we got it.

- Yes.
- Let's see.

- Okay, that is very marge.
- Very marge.

- You're very good, brett.
- I'm the best.

- [laughs]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

- what are you doing,
bubba boy?

Looking through a wall.

- Hi.
- Good morning.

- We're in trouble.

Did you see what your son
brought home?

- No.
- He has a bell,

like ding, when you go
to a desk, ding.

- Yeah.
- It says "ring for a blowjob."

- that's--that's--
- but it's not his,

I don't think
- who is it, yours?

- [laughs]

in old-school
italian families,

it is cultural
to put your feelings aside,

and suppress them,
as you would say.

So you know what,
frank catania is very lucky.

I have to go get a card
for the communion.

- That'll be nice.
- Yeah, it's going to be nice.

Everybody hates everybody
right now.

- Come on, why is that?
- Let's see.

Jackie and teresa are fighting.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Me and melissa
left off on, like,

kind of a little bit of a thing
by margaret's house.

- I'm melissa gorga,
and I'm always perfect.

[laughs]

- seriously, do I portray that
or something?

- Yes, yes.
- Because that's insulting.

Of course, I'm going to go
to the communion

because I've known joe
his whole life.

I've known joe and melissa
since the day they met.

I want to be there for them.

- Did you see the newspaper?
- What?

- "does giving too many gifts
create spoiled children?"

written by jackie.
Listen to this.

"I recently took my kids

"to a family get-together
at my new friend's home,

"and when we pulled up
to her enormous estate,

"they let us through one
tremendous room after another.

"past the gym and spa,

"we arrived at
the double-level play wing

"equipped with a movie theatre

and a bouncy castle
bigger than my home."

- oh, my god.

She's talking about jennifer.

- You think jen knows
about this?

- I'm going to call her
right now.

- Oh, this is going
to be interesting.

- Hello?
- Hi, jen, how are you?

- Hey, doll.
- Say hi, you're on speaker.

- Hey, jen.
- Hi, frank, what's up?

- How are you?
- So we're having our

morning coffee, jen.
- Okay.

- And frank came across
an article that jackie wrote.

- Okay.
- Do you have the paper?

Do you have "the record"?

- "the bergen record"?
No.

- I want you to google it
and let me know how you feel.

- Hold on.

- It's not cool to go into
someone's house as a guest

and then go write
about what you saw.

You don't even talk about what
you saw in somebody's house.

That's private.

Let me know what you think.

And since we're going to be
together at the communion,

I think she deserves
a forewarning.

If it was me,
I'd want to know.

- I'm, like,
shaking right now.

First of all, just because
I have this big house

doesn't mean that my children
get everything they want.

And like, I welcomed this girl
into my home.

And then, she writes
an article about spoiled kids.

This is what I get?
You know what?

(bleep) you and that
high horse you came in on.

- I don't know
what to say, jen.

- It's ---ed up, dolores.
It's ----ed up.

That's all I'm going to say.
- Yeah.

If that's how you feel--
- I'm going to tell her.

- Then you should tell her.

All right, well, I'll see
you at rails steakhouse

for the communion.
- See you later then, I guess.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Frank.
- Just went from a nice

pleasant day
to a ----ed-up day.

- I'm not in the mood
for another fight.

- Some people are
a glutton for punishment.

- Coming up...
- I feel angry, and--

- violated.
- Violated.

Like, you want to come at me,
I'm ready.

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♪ ♪

- I'm so proud of you.
You're like a man now.

- Thank you, thank you.
Look at this.

- God bless joey!
- Ooh, donuts.

Now jesus is in
your heart, baby.

- Oh, look at the donuts.

- Oh, my god.
Look at your donut wall.

Do you love?
Look, joe.

Doesn't this look so nice?
- Oh, yeah, this is good.

- Joe you're already
eating a donut

as soon as we walk in?

Okay, don't get it
on your outfit.

Communions are always a huge
event for the gorga family.

As catholic italians,
we love to do the pictures,

and have the memories,

to see them, like,
walk down the aisle

and receive the communion.

It was nice
at the church, right?

He got a little nervous,
but he was so cute.

He's the tiniest one.
Did you see it?

- It's jesus's day with my kid,

so we just like to go
above and beyond.

- Cheers.
- Ooh, I lost my drink.

- Cheers to joey.
- I put it somewhere.

Let me grab it.

- Joey looks so cute.
Right, guys?

- Yeah.
- A little stud muffin.

- Hi.
- Look at you.

You look good.
- Hi, mom.

Didn't joey do so good?

Joey, kiss nonnie.
- Baby!

You look so gorgeous.

- Wait, let me get you
a picture there.

- Where's joey?
I want to--where is he?

- Uh, wait, joey, can I take
a picture of you and audriana?

Joey, please, come here.
Joey.

♪ ♪

- what's up, teresa?
You can have a carrot, right?

- No, celery.
- Tre, come here.

Come take a quick pic with us.

- I want to give you
a kiss hello.

- How you doing love?
You look very pretty.

- I saw her at the--at the gym.
- Mom, behind you.

- Is jackie coming?
- Yeah.

- Great.
- Look at this family.

[tense music]

- ask me if I like jackie--no.

She barely knows me, and she's
biting into my business.

- Look at those four.
- Oh, man!

- Yeah, I don't know
when I see jackie

how I'm going to react, but I'm
sure it's not going to be good.

- My boy's going to have
high standards in women

because look at this family.

[tense music]

- look at antonia.
All big and everything.

Hi, oh, this is so cute.
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

- Yes, gorgeous.
- You look like your nieces.

- Look how good
the food looks, right?

- I know, right?
- Hello, melissa gorga.

Hi, how are you?
Congratulations.

- Hi, dolores.
How are you?

Even though the last time
I saw dolores,

she was calling me
little miss perfect,

I am blocking that
out of my head.

Nothing is more important
to me than my little joey.

- Hi.
- Hey, there.

- You can call me little miss
crazy, perfect, insane.

It doesn't matter right now.

- What did you like the best?

The prosciutto.
Yeah, that's good, huh?

- They did a good job.

Hi.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- How you doing?

- How you doing?
- You look great.

- Thank you.
- Let me see, let me see.

I'm impressed.
- Yeah, no.

I feel like my upper body's
really good.

- Got it.
- But it's like,

I don't know about my legs.
- Lower body, okay.

- Yeah, well, I mean,
my ass definitely got smaller.

- Okay.
- My ass--

- is it still bubbly, though?
- Is it bubbly?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, does it look bubbly?

- Turn around, let me see.

- My trainer told me
to pose like this.

And then--
- that's good.

Yes, you want to see
a little bit of air

between that arm and your back.
Twist a little more.

There you go.
This is the home stretch.

We're there, this is it.
- I know, I know.

- We got four weeks.
- I'm freaking out.

Because I came this far.
I don't want to, like--

- listen to me,
you can't freak out.

Because then,
your cortisol levels

raise when you're stressed,
and what that does.

That stops you
from getting defined.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Oh, my god, okay.
- So you got to chill.

- Sorry, I'm fine, okay.
- All right, exactly.

All right?
- I'm going to be relaxed.

- All right, you're better.
- All right, bye.

- All right, take care, teresa.
- All right, bye, hon.

[upbeat music]

- all right, come with me.
Please, joey.

Come on, just take one with me.
Smile.

You're making me fall.
- Come on, smile!

- A lot of people have
their communions this month.

And then, sometimes,
they have a party.

- Wow, did you eat
those crab cakes?

Unbelievable.
- Hi, guys!

How are you?
- Hi, this is for giuseppe--

- thank you so much.
- Joe, I know, congratulations.

- Good.
Hi, gorgeous, hi.

Give me a hug.

- Can I have water with lemon?
Thank you.

♪ ♪

- hi.
- How are you?

- Good, how are you?
- So how was bimini?

- Bimini was interesting.
No, it was a good time.

- Interesting.
- No, no, it was good.

There was a lot of drama
between margaret and danielle.

- Really, that bad?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Are they both
going to be here today?

- Um, danielle is not coming,
but margaret is.

- Why is she not coming?
- She has another obligation.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

She wanted to.
She felt horrible.

I said don't worry
about it, you know?

- Yeah, so how's things
with you and melissa?

Looks like everything's good.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, we got into it--
- where, in bimini?

- Yeah, and then we
talked it out,

and we hugged it out,
and it's all good.

- So it's all good?
- Yeah, I'd say, yeah.

- Have you heard about the
article that jackie wrote?

- No.
- She wrote an article

for "the bergen record"
on how I spoil my kids.

- Oh, my god!
- Can you imagine?

- No.
- I just feel so betrayed.

[dramatic music]

- stay with mommy, okay?

♪ ♪

- Have you heard about the
article that jackie wrote?

- No.
- She wrote an article

for "the bergen record"
on how I spoil my kids.

- Oh, my god!
- Can you imagine?

- No.
- I just feel so betrayed.

[dramatic music]

- stay with mommy, okay?

I know how important
today is for melissa,

and I don't want my kids
to have to witness a smackdown,

so I'm just not going to make
eye contact with teresa.

Hi.

Do you know where
aunt melissa is?

- Over there.

- Okay, let's go say hi
to people.

♪ ♪

- I invited this girl
into my home,

and I feel angry and--

- violated.
- Violated.

- You know, she attacked me,
now she's attacking you.

You never talk
about husbands...

- Mm-hmm.
- And children.

- Yeah. Yes.
- Especially children.

- Jackie has really
crossed the line.

If she even utters
one word to me, it's game on.

Like, you want to come at me,
I'm ready.

- You--you didn't--
no, you didn't.

- You did what now?

- All right, that's fine.
- All right.

- Do you want me
to get you a sprite?

All right, come here.
- I'm going to go over there.

- Okay.

- Hi!
- Hey, how are you?

- Hi.
- I'm so happy you're here.

- Oh, you look so gorgeous.
- Thank you. So do you.

- Hi, guys!
How are you?

- Jackie is acting like
she has no idea

teresa or jennifer
are not happy with her.

I wouldn't want one of them
unhappy with me,

much less two of them.

- Um, where do you want gifts?
- Thank you, right here.

- Oh, I got to tell you.
Did you see the, um--

that she wrote an article
that's in "the record" today?

Oh, hi, jen!

- Hey, how are you?
- How are you?

What's going on?
You look good.

- You, too.
You look beautiful.

- Hi, mrs. Aydin.
How are you?

- Oh, hi.
How are you?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- everything okay?
- Yes, I'm good.

I'm not backing down
from this one.

I feel angry,
and I feel pissed,

and I'm just waiting for her
to own what she did,

so I can rip her a new one.

- So when we walked in,
I felt bad,

because I'm in such
a weird place with teresa.

I feel like it's just awkward.

I said something to her
that she took offense to

that I did not mean
to be offensive.

- Jackie's going on and on
about teresa,

and I couldn't care less.

- I'm also not going
to go grovel and be like

"I ----ed up, I'm sorry."

- this bitch just wrote
an article about my children,

and that sh--'s
not going to fly.

So do you feel that certain
things should be off-limits,

like husbands and children?
- Sure.

- Would you agree with that?
- Yes, but I--

- I know, but then why
would you write an article

that references my kids
to being spoiled?

[dramatic music]

- did I say anything untrue?

- I felt that there was
a lot of judgment there.

I can see how you--
- did you really?

- Yeah, yeah.
- I didn't write your name.

I didn't say one negative thing
about your children.

I didn't even say anything
negative about you.

- You know what,
it sounded negative.

This article, it is not
specifically stating

that my children are spoiled.

However, anyone who is
skimming the article,

the gist of it
is I spoil my children.

You are not
carrie bradshaw, okay?

You are not like "oh,
I couldn't help but wonder.

"could I write this article
without seeming like

a pompous, judgmental asshole?"
I don't think so.

- I think that article
is very complimentary.

If you read the article,
you will see that.

- I read the article.

- So what is it about?
- She wrote it about her kids.

She should have
called her first

and said she was writing it.

- Hi, guys.
Both: Hi!

- Sorry, I'm right behind you.
Congratulations!

What's going on?
- Did you see the article?

- What--what article?
- Jackie wrote an article--

- no.
- Like, when we were all

at jennifer's house.
- Yes, yeah.

Jackie wrote about--
what'd she write?

- She wrote that
she spoils her kids.

- Omg.
I want to read it.

- You proudly own the fact
that you love your stuff.

- I do.
It's okay when I say it.

It's not okay
when someone else says it.

Do you understand that concept?

- I am sorry, but it's
not like she's not showy.

There's a throne
every five steps in her house.

- Oh, my god.

There's so many thrones
in this house.

- Yes, I know,
there's a lot of thrones.

I can say I spoil them.

I don't--I don't agree
that anybody else

can say that they spoil them.

- Afternoon for joey
right here.

Can everyone in the room
make some noise

for our guest of honor?
Where is he at?

[cheers and applause]

- listen, they're going
to start the party now.

This conversation is not over.

- Honestly, you and teresa
have been ganging up on me

for the past few--
- no, it's not that.

It's not that simple.
I don't want to fight, either.

- Okay.
- So it's not done.

It's not done.
- We'll talk about it later.

- A photo of everyone
right here.

- Coming up...

- Jennifer is so
----ing pissed.

Oh, my god, listen.

You don't want me
to write about it,

don't ----ing do it!

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- Joey, big smile, joey.
Yeah!

[groovy music]

♪ ♪

- listen, they're going
to start the party now.

This conversation is not over.

- Honestly, you and teresa
have been ganging up on me

for the past few--
- no, it's not that.

It's not that simple.
I don't want to fight, either.

- All right.
- So it's not done.

It's not done.
- We'll talk about it later.

- Before we go any further,
we need joe and melissa

to come on over here
and join me.

- Come on.
- We are celebrating

the communion of our littlest,
little joey gorga.

- Give it to daddy,
because daddy says I'm a man.

- So, anyway.

I just want to say thank you
guys all for being here.

He is my baby, he is my heart,

and he gets all his swag
from me.

[cheers and applause]

- this guy was our baby,
oh, a year ago,

and now, he grew up.
- Hey, what did you call me?

[laughter]

- our family's been through
rough times.

- Be a man.
Stick with your blood.

- I'm not sticking
with scum like you.

- Apologize!

[screaming]

- so I'm grateful to be here,

and I'm glad that
we're all getting along.

- I always wanted a joey gorga,
and I got him.

So we got to keep
that name proud, all right?

- And I know my mom's happy,
looking down on us today.

- What do you want to say?
- Thank you for coming.

Let's get this party started!

[cheers and applause]

- yeah, I think it's time
to get our party started.

Right, pal?
- Get that party started.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- oh, take a picture
of me and joey real quick.

Joey, I don't have
not one picture with you.

I'm going to--get over here.
Get your butt--

- hi.
- Hi, baby.

I didn't get to say hi to you.

I'm going to get water.
I'm going to get water,

and then, we'll talk.

- What do we got
going on in here?

- [babbling]

- I love you.
I love you.

He won't come to me.

- I feel bad, because I know
this whole thing

with teresa
has blown up for you.

- Dolores called me
this morning.

Guess who she's meeting with?
Jackie.

She should have minded
her business.

I never throw the first punch,
but I'll ----ing finish it.

- I don't need
to be fighting with

a 40-something year-old
woman like that.

I'd like to
be friends with her.

- Of course.
- There's no reason why

we should be fighting,

especially over
a misunderstanding.

I wasn't saying anything
about her husband's character.

I did make a valid point,
but I'm not going to sit there

and let a grown woman
----ing yell at me like that.

You see, I get defensive
even talking about it.

- I argue with analogies
all the time.

That's my thing, so of course

I understood
what you were saying.

- Right.
- It was about control.

If she would have
said to you that day

"you know what, jackie?
The reason I got so upset

"is because it's happening
to me in real time.

This is my family's
biggest pain."

- yeah, I would have said
"oh, my god, sweetheart.

I am so sorry."

I am 100% into, like, having
a conversation with teresa,

but I feel like we're gonna
go into the conversation,

and she's just
going to go savage on me.

You know what, honestly,
I don't need

another drama in my face today.

Did you see my article
in the paper today?

- No, I didn't even see
your article.

Why is jennifer so upset?

- She's so upset because
in the article,

I made it out to seem
that she's a snob.

- The woman brags constantly

about all the material things
she has,

so I would think
she'd be flattered.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

- Hi.
- You look so beautiful.

I love this dress.
- Thank you so much.

What's going on?

What are you guys
chatting about?

- Jennifer is so
----ing pissed, oh, my god.

- Wait, you didn't
read the article?

- I did not.
- It's actually online.

Let me just show you
really quickly, okay?

"do too many gifts
create spoiled children?"

"so I recently took my kids
to a family get-together

at my new friend's home."
- I can't read it.

- "as they led us through
one tremendous room

"after another--
- tremendous.

- "past the gym and spa,
we arrived--

- I loved that it was
a gym and spa!

- "we arrived at the
double-level play wing,

"equipped with an
indoor basketball court,

movie theatre, and bouncy
castle bigger than my home."

- what's wrong with that?
- Not hating, keep going.

- Is everything
in that article true?

Absolutely.

Would I have written it?
Maybe not.

Is it a little shady?
Yes, but it's hilarious.

- "when kids come here,
they never want to leave,

my friend proudly announced."
- beautiful.

That's a compliment.
- "which made me wonder.

"can kids grow up
having everything they want

and still turn into be
humble, appreciative adults?"

- that's not so bad.

- There's nothing
about her at all.

She couldn't say that I said
anything bad about her kids,

because I never did.

There is absolutely nothing
for jennifer

to get angry or insulted about.

And then, at the very end,
this is my conclusion.

"I'm also guilty of buying
my kids a lot of gifts,

so I'm not faulting my friend
for her generosity."

I go to great lengths
to ask how does a kid

end up being
so nice and sweet,

and still get every
single thing they ask for?

"I just hope
that her children remain--

remain the sweet kids
I met at the door."

that's why I wrote the article,
and it's a legitimate question.

- I wish you wrote it about me,
because it sounds like

you're giving someone
five stars.

I don't think it's insulting.

I think it's actually
very complimenting,

and saying she gives
her children everything.

Hey, you came to my house.
Why didn't you write

that I give
my children everything?

Because I do, too.

- Listen, you don't want me
to write about it,

don't ----ing do it.

- Hi, guys!
- Oh, hi, sweetie.

- I like these little--
these little seats.

What are you doing?
- Keeping us warm.

- What are you guys doing?
- Oh, gosh.

So I had some words
with jackie.

- Oh, you did?
- Yeah, I did.

She's trying
to tell me, like, oh.

There were a lot of compliments
in that article.

And I'm like--I just--
at that point, I saw red.

This is a pattern with her.
She's shady spice.

This one
can't control her husband.

I can't control my kids.

Let's see who's going
to be her next victim.

- You told her
her kids are amazing.

She's uptight.
Let's go eat.

- No, I'm going to actually
go over and tell teresa that

I'd like to, like, set up,

like, just at some point,
to talk to her.

I really like melissa.
I really like joe.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- You know what?

Today's probably not the day--
- no, I know, yeah.

- But set something up, because
I want you two to get along.

- I feel like I don't want
anything to come between that,

so I want to talk to teresa

before this gets
any more out of control.

All right, wish me luck.

- I'm leaving
for turkey tomorrow.

- Oh, my god.
- Yeah.

I'm like, I got too much
on my plate

to worry about sh-- like this,
but it's not finished for me.

- And it's not--
- hi, guys.

- But if somebody's ripping
on somebody else.

- Oh.

[dramatic music]

- teresa, can I talk to you
for a minute?

- Um--
- I'm sorry, guys.

- Well, I'm going
to let you go,

and I'm going to go eat,
because I'm starving.

- You guys hash it out.
- I won't take you for long.

♪ ♪

- I just--I want
to tell you that,

like, I hope at some point,
we can get together and talk.

- It's my nephew's communion.
- I don't want to do it here,

but we have
some things to talk about,

and the last time I saw you,
we didn't leave off so well,

and I would like to
talk to you in the future.

So if I call you,
you'll answer?

- Mm-hmm.

She's ----ing delusional.

If jackie thinks that this is
going to be a nice sit-down,

she got another thing coming.

- All right.
- All right.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

♪ ♪

- next time, on "the real
housewives of new jersey."

[ululating]

- do three more.
Don't you quit on me.

- I'm not.
- Don't let it down.

- These two are
very good friends.

Both of them are victims
of domestic violence.

- You guys are amazing moms.

She's upset about everything
that happened

by the end of that wedding.
Look at these text messages.

"you bulldoze your way
through everything,

and take people down."
- wow.

- And then, I wrote
"I wish you a happy life.

Never speak to me again."

- I went out of my way
to welcome you into my home,

and now, I'm a snob
that spoils my kids?

- What you did to me
at margaret's house

was not excusable.
What the (bleep)?

- You came at me first.

To learn more about
"the real housewives,"

- Previously on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- Look at the balloons.
This house is so pretty.

Oh, and there's,
like, a throne.

- I have a few thrones.
- Yeah.

- Do you know what's going on
with your uncle?

- He's getting married.
- Thank you.

- I write things that people
don't agree with for a living,

and I get off on the people
who don't agree with it.

- Do you want to get married?
Do you want to just

live with somebody?
What do you want?

- I don't know.
- You don't want to be alone.

[dramatic music]

- we're here, whoo!

All the bitches that weren't
helping me are going in.

I've spent the entire weekend
making sure you feel fabulous.

I thought it was
supposed to be about me.

Seriously, what the (bleep)?
- Do you really think that

melissa can
control her husband?

- Yeah.
- Do you feel like your husband

would be in jail if you
could control what he did?

- How ----ing dare you?
- Okay, relax with the cursing.

- I--no, I ----ing curse.

You don't ----ing like it,
too ----ing bad.

- I'm way too old
to be yelled at.

- You've been here
five minutes.

If you want to make it to ten,
I would shut it if I were you.

I'm here over two years
without a husband.

- She wasn't talking about him.

- You're ----ing
sticking up for her!

- All right, all right, enough.

- We're arguing about these
other people, but honestly,

as long as we're good,
I don't give a (bleep).

- So no more fighting.
You know I love you.

- I love you, too.

[bright music]

- I can make you laugh

or make you cry.

Your choice.

- Don't try to bully me.

Go free!

'cause I'm a boss.

- I have four kids,
two degrees,

and one kick-ass life.

- I may put up a tough front,

but I'll never
leave you behind.

- I'm obsessed with family,
traditions,

and chanel.

- These days,
I don't throw punches.

I roll with them.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- I can't do anything
with these nails.

- [laughs]

see, you want nails.

You want me to help you?
- Yeah.

- You're not going
to tie them, right?

- Just give me this.
- Sorry.

Give me a kiss.

♪ ♪

give me a kiss!