The Real Housewives of New Jersey (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Housewives & Heifers - full transcript

As their Oklahoma trip continues, the ladies compete in a cattle show; Margaret's husband takes care of an increasingly demanding Marge Sr.; Jennifer insults Margaret's friend, Polly, causing Margaret to lose her cool.

Is totally over?
No.

Joe was really angry with her,

she was really
angry at breakfast,

and I know one of them's
gonna explode.

I mean, you don't have to be
a genius to see that.

Like, you know I feel,
I know how you feel.

- Just go back to having fun.
- Yes.

- A hug? All right.

- But I'm really happy to put
a pin in it

for right now so we can enjoy
the rest of this trip.

Let's go and have a drink.
- Oh, yes.



Oh, I can' drink.
You have a drink for me.

- I tried to, like,
sneak that in.

- All right. I wish.

- Next time on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- Yeah, baby!

- [cow mooeing]
- no, no, no, no.

- Can you rub my feet a little?
[laughs]

- yes, I do.

- Your sister, like, brought up
all that stuff,

trying to say, like,
we're not good to your father.

- I mean, what (bleep).
I don't understand.

- Country music?
What a ----ing snore.

- You have the worst manners
I think I've ever seen.

- What are you gonna do
about it?



- Previously on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- Hello, oklahoma!

- How dare you look so good.
- Oh, sh--.

- I feel like a badass.
- I caught my first fish!

- I've been dying go discuss
with you that children's

hospital gown line.
The hospital heroes.

- I think it's
a brilliant idea.

- Tre, I'm glad
you brought your food.

- Fish and chicken,
I've been eating.

I brought my own broccoli.

- Hi, marge sr.
You look like sister bertrille.

- It's not my fault.

- "it's not my fault
I had to get a whole new face."

- when you're not around,

joey spends more time
with his father.

- What the (bleep)
are you talking about?

- If you haven't
gotten it by now,

you're just
never gonna get it.

- If you honestly have these
feelings, talk to him about it

because he's gonna explode.

- Then you should make him
not ----ing explode.

- Shut your ----ing mouth.

No matter what I do,
it's never good enough.

- That's, like,
the conversation

you guys have to have alone.

- The part with your dad,
talk to your brother.

It's not good for me
and you to talk about it.

- We're in oklahoma.

Have a good time
and just drop it.

[bright music]

- I can make you laugh

or make you cry.

Your choice.

- Don't try to bully me.

So free!

'cause I'm a boss.

- I have four kids,
two degrees,

and one kick-ass life.

- I may put up a tough front,

but I'll never
leave you behind.

- I'm obsessed with family,

traditions, and chanel.

- These days,
I don't throw punches.

I roll with them.

♪ ♪

[coyotes wailing]

- oh, my goodness.

- You want the truth,

never has it been
windy here for me, ever.

- Well, we brought the wind
with us from jersey.

- All right, we're starving.

- Yes.

- This is a little awkward.

I mean, I don't know
if melissa and teresa

are gonna start screaming
like they did this morning,

and I don't want any scenes
in the restaurant.

I mean, have we not embarrassed
ourselves in enough places?

- So we're gonna have
fun today and get drunk.

- Drunk?
- You're not.

- Except me.
- You have to have a drink.

- I tried to
sneak it in before.

I was like, "all right,
let's go get a drink."

she's like, "yeah, no."

- you could have
a drink for me.

- Har-de-har-har.
- That's right.

So you guys seem good.

Everything--
you guys smoothed it out?

- Yeah, I went into her room
and talked to her before

because I didn't want
our dinner

to be as awkward
as our breakfast was.

- All right, good,
all right, good.

- You know, sometimes if
there's tension between teresa

and I, we can ruin
all of your lives.

I'm so relieved that teresa
and I were able

to get it off our chest
and we've made up,

but I had to talk
to joe about it.

At the breakfast table
with everybody,

your sister, like, brought up
all that stuff trying to say,

like, we're not good
to your father.

- Yeah.

- I don't think teresa
has any idea

how upset she's
gotten her brother.

I'm just trying not
to think about it.

- Let's go, girls.
- Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

- This is so cute.
- So cute.

- It's very rustic.
- It is.

- You know what this
reminds me of a little?

Skiing [indistinct].
- I like ski.

I don't like cold
weather activities.

- I took my kids skiing.
- Really?

- It's so much work.
I was miserable the whole time.

So I just left the nanny
with them.

- Is she an au pair?
- Oh, no.

I don't have a nanny
to raise my kids.

I have a wife,
that's what I call it.

I have a woman
to cook and clean

because I have
seven bedrooms upstairs.

I have two more guest rooms
in my basement,

and my basement has
11-foot high ceilings, so...

- The second we got
to oklahoma, jennifer,

everything she comes
out of her mouth.

The bragging, the bragging.

- My house is high.

It's the highest level
of all of paramus.

I can see manhattan
on one side,

and the other side,
it gets blood red.

- Wow.
- It's gorgeous.

- Polly, who plays that piano?
- I have a piano,

but nobody plays.

- She just
can't control herself.

- Listen I have a security
system in my house,

a lot of the rooms
have cameras, and my nanny,

before they leave,
I do random bag check.

- You do a random bag check?

- I would never think
to do this.

- I either trust you
or I don't.

If I'm gonna get burned,
I'm gonna get burned,

but I'm not gonna watch
every move you make.

You trust people
with your children

but not with your silverware.

It just makes no sense to me.

- I have cameras around
my house too,

like all security
around my house.

- Oh, my god.

- Well, I think the next step
is get a moat.

- Get a what?
- A moat.

- What is a moat?

- You know like a castle
has the water around it?

- A castle has the water around
it so no one can get in.

- All righty,
how are you ladies doing?

- Are we ready to order?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- I'll take the grilled salmon.

- All right.
- I'll have the buffalo wings.

- Okay.
- Do you have grilled chicken?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'll have that.

- Okay.

- And then also
grilled jalapenos.

- Okay.

- It's good for your
metabolism.

- I fooled around with
my high school gym teacher,

my ex-husband used
to lock me in the closet

when he was mad at me,
and I only did cocaine once.

- Wow.

- Lie, ex-husband locked you
in the closet.

- Yeah.

- I think the high school
gym teacher.

- The lie?
- Lie.

- Ex-husband, lie because
you can overpower jan,

I'm just saying.

- Nope, fooling around
with my gym teacher.

[all cheering]
- no, I didn't.

[laughter]

- wait, your ex-husband
locked you in a closet?

- Yeah, for sure.

Why do you think
he's my ex-husband?

I love him but, I mean,
you know--

- oh, my god.
- I can't believe somebody

as strong as margaret put up
with little jan doing that.

- Hi.

- Here, I brought you
some bagels.

- Oh, thanks.

- Nobody would lock me
in a closet

and go to sleep
after that, ever.

So I'm gonna do my three.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Me and frank
had sex last week,

I bit a girl in the head,

and I had airplane sex.

- All right, the lie is she had
sex with frank last week.

- Agree, lie.
- Agree.

- Why is everyone agreeing?
Why?

Everyone thinks I do.
Why would that be?

- I wanted you to have sex
with frank last week.

[laughter]

okay, who did you have
airplane sex with?

- Um, I don't remember.
I don't remember.

[laughter]

- thank you.
- I have my three things.

- Go ahead.
- Okay.

I had the brazilian butt lift.

I once was stuck in really bad
traffic and I sh-- my pants.

And then the last one
is me and my best friend

went to this club in the city,
and we dressed like dominatrix,

and I was her submissive
all night.

- Ooh, I like these.
These are three juicies.

- Lie, you sh-- your pants.

- Your butt is fake.

- I think the lie
is the dominatrix.

Final answer?
- Yeah.

- My ass is fake is the lie.

- All right.
- Wow!

- How did you
become a dominatrix?

- It was like
a dominatrix night,

and we wanted to have
the best outfits.

- Oh, it was a theme night.

- Listen,
when I was growing up,

I did everything to rebel
against my turkish culture.

But being with my husband
definitely has changed me.

- Did you make out
with a girl?

- No, I've never done that.
No.

I never told my husband
about the dominatrix thing

until after we were engaged,

and he was a little bit shocked
but kind of like,

"okay, now, go and whip some
sh-- up, but in the kitchen."

I guess no one wants
to hear the sh--

the pants story
since we're eating?

- Oh, my god.
[laughter]

- coming up...

- I mean, I have
a very large house.

It's very easy
in life to move up.

It's hard to go back down.

- Jennifer, god has a very
funny way of humbling people.

[cow moos]

- you're up?

- I've been up for,
like, 15 minutes.

You were out.
You were so out last night.

- Oh, I was so tired.

- Dinner was really fun.
I just like, oh, my god.

- I was dying when
jennifer said she sh--

her pants in her car.

- Oh, my god. The bag check,
that's what I keep thinking of.

- I know, I--

- I feel like to do that
to people you have to feel

above them in some way.

It's demeaning, right?
- Yeah.

I know, I think, like,

when she wants
to say something,

she'll just say it,
she is not thinking like,

"oh, maybe not say this because
it might sound pretentious."

like, do you know what I mean?
I think she just says it.

Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Hi.
- With your little cow mug.

- I know, my little cow mug.

So who's pretentious,
the bag checker?

- You trust them
with your kids,

but not with your silverware.

- I mean, that is so funny.
You're absolutely right.

- Yeah, like all the bragging.

Like, listen, we all have
some money, you know?

We live in nice parts
of new jersey, it's not--

like I'm sure you could brag.
Like, you just don't.

- No, I mean, jesus christ.

[line ringing]

- hello?

- What, my princess?

- Oh, no, stop.

- To see my daughter cry,

it's so heartbreaking
and it's like I melt,

especially because I feel
mommy guilt for leaving.

I know, baby. I'm gonna
be home before you know it.

I mean, I'm a mush for my kids.
Isn't every mother?

I'm gonna buy you
the biggest surprise toy.

- You want the
hello dream house?

- Okay, you got it.

- Bye, love you!

[lips smacking]

I got to get that
hello dream house.

That sh-- is $400.

- It's very obnoxious,
just like with the sunset.

- Oh, my god, the sunset.
It has to be better.

- It's like, you know,
she's a little bit one-upping.

- Maybe she feels that way
because she's new to all of us,

and she's just trying
to prove herself.

Overall, I think we should
give her a chance.

Do you know what I'm saying?
- I know. It's fine.

All right, we got
to get ready, we--

maybe melissa has a point.

Maybe I just haven't given
jennifer a fair chance.

- You know, listen,
see how she is

as she knows us
a little bit more.

Maybe she'll, like,
warm up to us a little bit.

- And to be honest,
I love a girl who could, like,

sh-- in pants and--
- you see?

You got to give
her a chance.

A girl that's gonna tell you
that she sh-- herself

is a cool girl
in my book.

- But I promise you
if I ever sh-- myself,

none of you are ever
gonna know about it.

[laughter]

- good morning.
- Hi.

- Oh, my goodness,
this is a spread and a half.

- Aw.

- Everybody looks so western,
- I'm ready to giddy-up.

- You are ready to giddy-up.
- Perfect.

- Because I have a treat
for you guys.

- What's happening now?

- Okay, so when you raise
your children on a ranch,

they get this steer,

and you learn how to show them
at cattle shows,

and one's happening
this morning,

and so I entered
all of you guys in the show.

- No way.
- What's up?

- Polly and I go way back,
over 20 years.

I have visited her, I can't
even count how many times,

and every time I come,
I get to go to these great

cow shows that her kids

and grandchildren
have participated in.

A cow show is basically
a beauty pageant for cows.

- You do what you call--
you set the steer up,

so you move him around,
and you wash him,

and then you blow dry him,
and you fluff their hair,

and we'll teach you
how to comb it.

Look at teresa.
[laughter]

- I'm just nervous.
I'm nervous.

- Your guys will
tell you all this,

but it's really important
when you're leading your steer,

you always want
to look at the judge.

- And smile?
- Oh, yeah, they love that,

because they also will
judge your presentation.

- Okay.
- Wow.

- We won't actually be
competing with the kids.

We'll just be competing
amongst each other.

Polly just wanted to show us
a true oklahoma experience.

And let me tell you,

nothing is more oklahoma
than a cattle show.

I mean, blow dry a cow.
That is pretty real.

- Time to bat those
eyes, ladies.

- Oh, I have one
more surprise though.

- Oh-oh.

- After the cattle show
we're gonna have a party

and we're gonna dance
the night away.

[all cheering]

now it's time.
You have to get up,

go get ready to meet
your steers and your cowboys.

- All right.
- Yee-haw!

- Go do it.
- Going to meet my cow.

- Should I feel guilty that I'm
playing cowgirl and poor joe

is wrangling marge sr.?

- Yep.
[laughter]

- joe?
- What?

- Hello?

This has to go
in the refrigerator.

It's not cold enough.

I told margaret
that we needed to buy more.

- It's coming out good.
- [groaning] yeah.

Puffy, but I do need
to be propped up.

You'll have to go
get my pillow, please.

Until then I'll...

- Mom?
- Yeah?

Oh, good.

- Which way?

- Yeah.

Oh, this is good, yeah.
This is perfect.

Do you think
I could have some water?

- I'll get you water.
Are you hungry?

- I am starved.

- You want
mashed potatoes again?

- That would be great.
- Okay.

- Marge sr. Is normally
very independent.

- Frigging thing.

- Joe, I would prefer a fork
instead of a spoon.

- What?
- I prefer the fork.

- I have no idea
what she's saying.

- When she is
not feeling well,

the woman needs to be
waited on hand and foot.

- Joe, I'm gonna ask you to
go upstairs and get me advil

because I have
a little headache.

- All right.

- She'll tell you exactly
what she wants,

how she wants it,
and when she wants it.

- Oop, there goes
the microwave.

- And you better
do it that way

or she'll nag the sh--
out of you.

- I'll get your food.

- I mean, I feel bad for joe.
- Thank you, thank you.

I forgot to tell you,
you got to take me

to dr. Kassir's office
Thursday morning.

- Okay.

- I might ask you to go
to starbucks later.

- I'm gonna owe joe
so big time for this.

I mean, I'm gonna be worn out,
if you know what I'm saying.

Bedsores.

- Can you rub
my feet a little?

- Sure.
- Oh, that feels good.

What could be better?
Eating mashed potatoes

and a son-in-law
rub my feet. [laughs]

- no sponge baths, all right?
I'm not doing it.

[upbeat music]

- okay, you guys.
- Whoo, look, there's the tent.

- Oh, is that where
the party's gonna be? Yay!

- Wow, that's awesome.
- Isn't that great?

- Yeah.
- So I'm going down to my car,

and I'm leading the way.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Y'all in, cowgirls?

- We're in the midwest, ladies.

- How excited are we?

- I got to show my steer.
- What happens to the loser?

- What about we have a bet,

the loser, they have to
sleep alone in the trailer?

- Hell yeah.
Hell to the yeah.

- Wait a second. Dolores,
don't you like the trailer?

- Dolores,
I think you can stay here.

- It's a little closed-in, no?

- What about jennifer
in that bed?

- Oh, no,
I couldn't sleep here.

- How am I gonna put
my sh-- in there?

It was very tight, I mean,
I have a very large house.

I come from 16 bathrooms.

We're going to a ranch
that's a thousand-acre ranch.

I thought it was maybe,
like, luxurious.

Seriously, one bathroom
in the hallway

for all those bedrooms.
It's really hard.

The bathrooms didn't even have
locks on their doors, okay?

I had a panic attack every time
I had to do number two.

It's really easy in life
to move up.

It's hard to go back down.

- It isn't easy to come
back down,

but I'm gonna
tell you something,

I'm gonna knock you down
a few notches.

I'm gonna knock
your ----ing teeth out

if you keep saying these things
about my girlfriend's house.

All right, so then the loser
has to sleep in the trailer

by themselves.
- That's right.

- I don't know, girls.

- Jennifer, I want you to lose
and be in the trailer.

- I'm scared.
- Well, then don't be

a loser, be the winner.
- Very true.

- You gotta do what you got
to do out here in oklahoma.

- I'm not sure this competition
is some oklahoma hazing ritual,

but you better bet
your bottom dollar

that I am not
gonna be the loser.

- So are you gonna sleep
in the trailer if--

- if you lose, girl.
- If you lose.

- Jennifer, god has a very
funny way of humbling people.

- I mean, you think
you're so fancy?

You live next to
the cemetery, bitch.

- That's true.
[laughter]

- coming up...

- I want this one.
[cow moos]

- oh, no, no, no.

- Could you ever see yourself
living here, anybody?

- No. I want to go
where it's glamorous.

But like, "oklahoma, what are
you gonna do, go cow tipping?"

♪ with chili's to go,
baby, go, baby, go ♪

♪ you get 3 for $10 bucks,
baby, bucks, baby, bucks ♪

♪ and take it to go,
baby, go, baby, go ♪

♪ while you sit on your butt,
baby, butt ♪

♪ 3 for $10 bucks, baby,
bucks, baby, bucks ♪

mmm-hmm!

♪ and take your chili's to go ♪

♪ baby, go, baby, go ♪

♪ ♪

opportunity is everywhere.

Like here.

Where you can explore the world

knowing you can always
find your way home.

♪ ♪



merci, to my best friend,
yvette.

You are the best partner
I've ever had at work.

Thank you so much
for all you do.

I love you.

Say thank you with merci.

The thoughtful collection
of european chocolates.

Merci, yvette.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the nowata county
livestock show.

- We're here, ladies.

- Oh, my god, this smells.

- Personal showing is...

- My children would love this.
- How are you, ladies?

- Hi, derrick. How are you?
- How are you, ladies?

Miss polly, how are you?
- Good. How are you?

- Okay, you guys,
this is derrick.

- How are you, ladies?
- Hi, derrick.

- Well, ladies,
we are glad you're here.

We have some young men
over here

that are gonna be
training you

to prepare an animal
for a show ring environment.

You're gonna pair up,
pick an animal,

and then the gentlemen
will start working with you

as far as how to prepare
to take one into a show ring.

- Okay.
- Let's go, come on.

- I do love animals.
- I want to kiss them.

- So we can pair up.

- All right, so me and you
and those two?

- Yeah, we can do me
and melissa.

- Okay, you guys and us.

- Me and melissa
will go together.

- I am so excited
because the cow show

is all about presentation.

I mean, who's gonna beat me
and melissa gorga?

We have this in the bag.
No trailer for me.

- Ladies, go ahead
and choose your animal.

- Oh, my god.

They're really big.
I'm, like, scared.

- Nothing slimy, please.

- Can we get the smallest one?
- No, I want this one.

[cow moos]

- no, no, no, no!

I've never been a fan
of larger animals.

- Come on, boys.

- Ew! Oh, my god.

- [laughs]
- [screams]

they can't talk to you

so you don't know
what they're thinking.

They can't say, like,
"what are you doing?"

so they could ram into me.
Like, you never know.

They might see red. Right?
Is that--are they bulls?

Wait, is it gonna kick us?
- They don't kick, no, ma'am.

- Oh, my god.

- We kinda keep them calm. They
like their bellies scratched.

- Okay.

- You're fine, you're fine,
I promise.

- This is ginger.
- Hi, ginger.

- It looks like a ginger.
- It does.

- Ginger's a little mad.
She's giving me some side eye.

- Ginger, if you need
any chanel accessories,

we got the perfect
person here for you.

- I'm the chanel cowgirl.
- I want the black one.

- All right, this one.
- It matches our outfit.

- I think she's offended
by your pants.

- These are pleather,
these are pleather.

- All right, now,
we want to get it puffy,

and then we're gonna lightly
comb the outside down

so it looks smooth.

- Ah, got you.
- There you go.

- Oh, my god, really?
Down there--go up?

- Yep, yep.

- By the ass?

- Teresa is deathly afraid
of animals,

but she is the most
competitive person.

We have to win.
- Yeah, we do.

- Because I want jennifer
in the trailer.

- I want to win too.
I don't like to lose.

- Me and teresa
are a good team

because I'm, like,
the animal whisperer,

so I think together
we're the ----ing best.

- You got this?
She's taking ownership in this.

- That's good.
- Don't worry, jersey.

We got this.

- I don't know, how do you get
used to the smell?

- What smell?

- Yeah, like the smell
of the asshole.

- Does that look good?
- Yeah, it looks good.

- Can we put like little bows
on him and stuff?

Do they do that,
like dress them up?

No? No, okay.

- I don't know
if I'm more tired

of the smell of cow
or jennifer's bullsh--.

- All right,
heifer, all right.

- So if you come on this side.

- Ahhh!
[both screaming, laughing]

- what the hell?

- We need a whole
lot less squealing.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm done squealing.

I'm gonna turn into a diva
just for two minutes

until someone
cleans the heifer's ass,

and then I'll come back.

- You're gonna get all
the dead, nasty hair off him.

- What if she starts to pee?
It's gonna splatter.

- It'll be okay.
- Bend down.

- There you go.
- Oh, like this?

- So I think ginger's
good and ready.

What are we doing next?

- Ladies, if I could get
everybody to come over, please.

- Okay, this way, buddy.
This way, jersey.

- Ahh! He's pooping!
- There's a pole here.

Oh, jesus,
oh. I got this.

- You got this.

- Okay, ladies, because
you can't show together,

you must choose
which one of you

will show the heifer
in the ring.

- Jackie, I choose jackie!
- Yeah, you could do it, baby.

- Maybe go like this a little.
- You really want to show it?

This is your friend's place.
You can show it.

- No, no, no, you show it.
- If you're not showing,

you ladies
can go to the audience.

- Okay, we're going
to the audience.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- Give them a big round of
applause [indistinct].

- All right!
- Yay!

- Ooh, jackie's doing
a good job.

- Whoo, go jackie!

Shake them teats.

- I mean, oh, melissa,
look at this.

- Oh, my god,
look at melissa.

[laughter]

- dolores you see
tits and ass.

- Whoo-hoo!
- You're doing great, dolores.

You're doing great.

- So now, he goes around
and he judges.

- Come on.

- Melissa got second place.
- Yay!

- And in first place,

the winner of our cattle
showing contest...

Jackie.
- Ohh.

[cheers and applause]

- that's my bitch right there.
[cheers and applause]

- it's the champ.
- Yeah, baby!

- I'm thrilled that
I am the winner.

No trailer for me,

and you're welcome
for the free ride, jennifer.

I will take payment
in the form of chanel.

- Good job, baby.
- Thank you.

- Once again, see.
- I knew you had it in you.

- Congratulations.
- I would clap,

but I have this
big prize in my hands.

- Oh, my god.
[cow moos]

- coming up...

- Yes, I do.
Unbelievable.

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[upbeat country music]

♪ ♪

[line rings]
- hello?

- Hi, milania.
Guess what I did today.

You'll never believe it.

- I was in a cattle show.

I had to wash a steer,
blow dry it and comb it.

- [laughs]

- hi.
- Hey, baby.

Oh, my god,
you look so relaxed.

How are you home with the kids
and you're so relaxed?

- I miss you.

- This whole trip has been like
such a different experience.

- Yeah, yeah,
I'm down with nature, sure,

but I'm kind of over it.
I'm ready to come home.

I feel like margaret
and dolores,

they've been a little bit
on guard towards me.

- Yeah.

This is my first girls' trip
since I've been married,

so this is a big deal for me.

I was thinking maybe
I can invite them all over

to the house
next weekend with the kids.

I wanted to just check
with you,

make sure it was
okay with you.

You know, I think I'm funny,

and once these girls see me
in my element,

which is not oklahoma,

they'll get to know
the real me.

It could be like a party.
We could do something outside.

Maybe I could rent
a big inflatable.

- Thank you.

I'm gonna go because
the party's gonna start.

Kiss the kids for me.
Love you, mwah.

- Bye.

♪ ♪

- oh, my god, it's so
beautiful out here, ladies.

- I just can't believe
it's our last night already.

- This trip has been
so different

than any trip
I've ever been on,

like we were in
a cow contest today.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- Polly's home is so beautiful.
It's so country.

I feel like--
- I want to marry her.

- Well, I have to say,
a light bulb went off.

I was thinking that maybe if
you guys are free next weekend,

you can come see the house
that I've been talking about.

I've had people compare it
to monte carlo

or a hotel in France.

What I've been describing
about the house

just doesn't do it justice,
and I don't want to brag.

[laughter]
- no, no, not you.

I'm excited to go
to jennifer's house,

I can't miss
a chance like this.

I mean, it's the biggest
house in paramus.

Overlooks the mall.

I mean, the best view ever,
right over neiman marcus.

- I have this huge fountain.
- I have a fountain too.

- I have a bidet.
- I have a garden hose.

- Oh, my god.

- Are you guys ready
to go to the hoedown?

- What, like, technically,
is a hoedown?

- We're gonna be dancing
with the cowboys

who were there today.

- I don't think my brother
will like that too much.

- No, it's a two-step,
it's a two-step.

But, he's two plane
rides away, so.

- Yeah.

[smooth music]

♪ ♪

- what do you guys want to eat?
What do you want for dinner?

- Yeah, I want pizza.
- Stop snapping.

- Plain?
- Where's my date?

- Come on, guys.

Look at these two.
No flirting tonight.

- Yes, we won't.
We're gonna be good.

- Welcome to the columbia inn.
- Thank you.

- Ooh, I'm starving.
Thank you.

- Does anyone want
something to drink?

- I want the vodka.

- Vodka?
- Yeah.

- Ma, have a glass of wine.
You want wine?

- I'll have
a little beverage.

- I tell you, drunk donna is
even better than drunk melissa.

If I was a little older,
forget about it.

- How many pizzas
are we gonna do here?

- I would bring two plain,
then we're good.

- Okay, you got it.

- To us.
- Here's to you guys.

- I wonder what
they're doing in oklahoma.

- No.

- Oh, they wanted to see
cowboys?

- Everything is men
and sex with you.

- All right,
we got the food here.

This is the thin pizza.

- Antonia, I want some
of that thin one.

I got my beautiful
mother-in-law,

I got my father
and my beautiful kids.

- Yeah?

- Yes, I do.

- When?
- You come over, we play cards.

- Cards for hours.

- Every little chance I get
I spend time with him.

You know, that's bullsh--.
You know why?

Because he's listening
to his daughter.

- No.

- Yeah, no, I try.

You know, when she gets home,
enough's enough.

I'm tired of this sh--.

Now, listen,
we're living the life.

We got to work.

- Well, listen, you know
I love you, right?

- You're got a good son.

That's how you gotta
think about it.

- I haven't even heard from
your daughter all day.

- They're busy riding
the cowboys.

- Unbelievable.
- Yee-haw!

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- here we go.

- Hold on
let me hold on to you

because I got
these stiletto heels.

- I don't know how
you're walking in those.

- The music sounds so good!

[cheering]
- whoo, what's this game?

- That's cornhole.
I love cornhole.

- All right, come on.

[all groan]

[cheering]

- this is a party, polly.
- It's a party.

- Jersey's a pretty
damn good party state,

but, you know what,
oklahoma can hold it down.

[cheering]

these jersey hos
are ready to hoedown.

[laughs]

- it's fricking windy as hell.
- It's a twister.

- Okay, I need to go
in the tent.

- How does everyone
keep their hats on?

- Ooh, is my hair
blown all over?

- Wow.
Oh, my god, I love it.

- Polly, how do we dance
the two-step?

- We got to go over here.

- Teresa.
- James.

- Hi, how are you?
- He's an amazing two-stepper.

- Oh, so he should show us.

- Isn't this adorable?
- Whoo!

- Oh, my god.
- What's your name?

- Chris.
- Okay.

- Two steps forward,
one step back.

- One, two, one.

- This is it?
- This is it.

- I like your style.
- Yeah, right.

- Yes, ma'am.

- You're not gonna two-step?
- I'd rather not.

- Turkish women need to be
respectful of our husbands.

I could just imagine me going
home and telling my husband,

"yeah, baby,
that's what I did,

oklahoma dancing
with some hot cowboys."

- jennifer, come on!

- I'm good, I'm good.

- Do si do,
how about do si don't?

- Thank you.

- I have never been
called ma'am so much,

and I am loving it.

- You know what,
we ought to tell our men

to pick it up a notch.

- Frankie's gonna learn.
- Gino and joey are gonna learn

that when you see a lady
you take your hat off.

- You tip your hat.

- A little southern charm
on an italian boy--

- forget it.
- Yes.

- You know what, you guys,

I'm just gonna check
on joe real quick.

I'll be right back.
- Oh, okay. We'll be here.

- Let's mingle with the locals.
- Let's mingle with the locals.

- Okay.
- I'm following your lead.

- Hi, honey.

- Look at me,
I'm, like, in a windstorm.

It's like a tornado.

- Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- Hi, mom.

- Sometimes I don't think joe
gets enough credit.

I mean, joe tries to be equally
as good to my mother

as he does to his father.

- Oh stop it.
That's not even funny.

- Oh, my god.

I mean, I also have
a widowed mother

who gets lonely sometimes.

You see what happened
to daddy,

and what, what did you
have to leave behind?

- I don't want to talk about
stuff with your father.

- No, don't get upset, mommy.

I mean, my mother and
my father-in-law love

hanging out with each other,

and I love that joe
always makes that happen.

You took our parents
out to dinner?

You're such a good husband.

- I'll be home tomorrow, okay?

- Bye, love you guys.

- Oh, my god, I'm so hungry.
I want to eat everything I see.

- You got to eat barbeque.

- It is like a wind tunnel
out there.

My eyelashes still on?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my god.

I just called joey.

He's out to eat with my mom
and your dad together.

He's like,
"they're dating tonight."

I'm like,
"don't even kid like that."

- that is so cute.
- Your dad goes,

"I'm gonna take your mother
to the hotel."

- oh, my god.
- Melissa makes a point

of letting teresa know,
"oh, joey's with their dad."

she might want
to tread lightly on this

because it could spark a fire

that jersey hasn't seen
in a very long time.

- Yeah, so...

- Coming up...

- Polly, come visit
us in jersey.

- Okay, I am.

- You have to
stay with me, polly.

- No, she's staying with me.

- Wait, what about me?
I got 16 bathrooms.



- I just called joey.

He's out to eat with my mom
and your dad together

and he's like,
"they're dating tonight."

I'm like,
"don't even kid like that."

your dad got on and he goes,

"I'm gonna take
your mother to the hotel."

I was like...
[laughter]

- it's nice that my brother's
with my dad

that I'm not around,
but I wish he would pitch in

now and again when I am home

because I am taking care
of four daughters,

and I do have a lot
on my plate, just saying.

- Is it just me? I feel like
all this music sounds the same.

- No.

- This is so fun.
We have to do more dancing.

- I know, I definitely
want to do more dancing.

- I want to get a drink.
- I want to get food.

- Let's go get a drink.

- I want to just drink
something with no calories.

- You want to get food?
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

- jennifer, glad is a plasti

- jennifer, ladd is a plastic
surgeon, who did my eyes.

- Ooh.

- My husband is
a plastic surgeon.

- Oh, he is?

- Let me ask you, how is
plastic surgery in oklahoma?

- Believe it or not.

Jennifer thinks we live
in a third world country.

- I mean...
[laughter]

- I hope you can eat
some of this.

- Wow, look at that,
wrapped in bacon.

Is there any grilled chicken?

- There's some chicken breasts.
- What's this one?

- That's brisket,
smoked brisket.

- Oh, yum.

- That's it for me.
- All right, should we sit?

- Hi, honey.
What's going on?

- Are you having a good time?
- I'm having a lot of fun.

I love the two-step.
- Yeah, that was fun.

- Teresa, you're doing
a good job in those shoes.

- I mean, I'm impressed.

- Tequila on the rocks, please.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Oh, I can't.

This tastes
like rubbing alcohol.

- Oh, my god,
we are outside in a tent.

Just drink, girlfriend.
- All right, fine, drink.

I got to hold my nose
and drink. It's like-

- you are so funny.

Cheers.
- Cheers, cheers.

All right,
let's have some fun!

- We're getting down
and dirty hillbilly style.

Ah-whoo!

- Listen, I love having
a drinking buddy

because it's like,
teresa's not drinking

because she's working out
and wants to be a toothpick.

Margaret says she gets
a pounding headache.

- Dolores is like
a fake drinker.

She makes pretend
she's drinkin'.

She's really not.

So jennifer, jennifer throws
down. That's my kind of girl.

- Barbecue, come on now.
Can we get any more cliché?

- Jennifer, she just can't
control herself.

- It's like weird.
- Hi, honey.

- I think she's missing that,

like, filter of
appropriate things to say.

- I don't think she knows
any better

because no one that knows
better would talk like that.

- I know.
- But next Saturday

we're all gonna go to
jen's house, the taj mahal.

- I know, right?
- This ----ing house

that I've been hearing about
for three ----ing days.

- And she has a fountain.
- I have a big fountain too.

- Teresa, you have
a very big, fabulous house.

You don't say to me
when I come over,

"oh, come look at my this."
I mean, it's, like, weird.

- I feel like everyone's
overreacting about jennifer.

I feel like jennifer's joking.

I mean, sometimes people
do that because,

in a way, she feels
like she has to show it off.

- It's nice to be proud
but cut me a ----ing break.

- She likes
to make people laugh.

You know, maybe people
don't get her humor?

- Listen, here's the thing.

There's never an excuse
to be rude.

[laughter]
- hi.

How was that food?
- So good.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

- Are you guys having fun?
- Are you?

- Yes.

- How cool is this
that we can, like,

drink wine out of a solo cup
and totally be cool with it?

- Could you ever see yourself
living here, anybody?

- No.

- I love it here.
- I like a different--

I like seeing different parts
of the country.

- If I had a few days off,

I want to go
where it's sunny,

I want to go
where it's glamorous.

But like, oklahoma, what
are you gonna go cow tipping?

- Jennifer,
what is wrong with you?

I mean, she's totally
insulting polly to her face.

- I feel like if I came here,

I would probably
just stay in a hotel.

- Okay, I'm gonna
go walk around.

You guys keep talking, okay?
I'm gonna go.

- Have some decency.

You know,
I'm really getting huffy.

- Hey, everybody.

Everybody,
can you gather around?

Margaret, I want you
to come up and join me.

Margaret and I have been
friends for over 20 years.

It's been the most amazing
relationship, right?

- That's right.
- We've done so much together

and, you know,

one of the reasons
that margaret came is

because she asked me to help on
this incredible product line.

It's called hospital heroes.
It's really an amazing idea.

Margaret has the biggest heart
of any person

I've ever met, truly.

She brings you into her life

and lets you be a part
of an amazing journey,

and I'm really grateful.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, thank you.
[cheers and applause]

- you know, margaret's
friendship with polly,

it's very telling.

Just by seeing
how amazing polly is

and how when margaret
asked polly to have us there,

she did everything out of
her friendship for margaret.

She didn't know us.
That says a lot.

I have to say,
I'm impressed.

- I just want to thank polly
and her entire family

for hosting us.

I know it's a lot to have
these fabulous jersey girls.

Thank you.
And that she would host

all of us lunatics,
I mean it just shows

how much she loves me
and I'm very lucky.

- Polly, come visit
us in jersey.

- Okay, I am. I'm doing it.
- You have to.

- You can stay with me, polly.
- Okay, I will.

- No, she's staying with me.
- Wait, what about me?

I got 16 bathrooms?

- Okay, okay.
- That's all right.

So you don't have to plunge
a toilet when you got 16.

You can sh-- in a different
one every day for two weeks.

[laughter]

- jennifer, she's lit.

You drank more than
everyone at the party.

- [laughs]

- coming up...

- Country music?
What a ----ing snore.

- You have the worst manners
I think I've ever seen.

- What are you gonna do
about it?

Get 10% off red.

10% off green.

And 10% off every
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- That was fun.

I feel like a true--
what's the proper etiquette?

- Cowgirl.
- Yeah.

- I thought it was fabulous.
I had a great time.

- Like, what is this?
Is this like--

it's like country music,
what a ----ing snore.

Snore.
- What did she just say?

- Snore, like--
people listen to that music?

- Are you kidding?
That was so fun.

What are you saying?
- No, it's fun.

I'm just saying like,
you know,

she could have played
some house music

or something and get really,
like, turned up.

- Are you kidding me?

- You know,
cater to the guests.

- Okay, that's
socially inappropriate.

- Whatever. Cry me a river,
margaret, really, for real.

- Seriously, you have the worst
manners I think I've ever seen.

- Oh, my god,
I have the best manners.

I totally disagree with that.

- I mean, it's a little
socially inappropriate--

- okay, so I'm socially
inappropriate.

What are you gonna do about it?
No offense, I mean--

- I just feel like you just
like to one-up everybody.

I like to one-up?
Now I'm getting insulted.

I'm not trying
to one-up anybody.

I'm trying to be funny.
I'm trying to make nice.

I don't like the music.
I'm entitled to my own opinion.

- Yeah, but there's
a time and a place.

There is a time and place,
and polly's her best friend.

She just made us
a really, really, like,

special weekend
and a big party.

- Oh, my god.
- I'll give another example

of polly showing us
the beautiful sunset.

"well then, look at my sunset."
this is so beautiful.

I mean, it's not like
who's dick is bigger,

do you understand
what I'm saying?

I was embarrassed.

I brought my friends here
and I want my friends

to be respectful
of other people's feelings.

- I do speak more fast
than what I'm thinking.

Like, sometimes it just comes
out fast only because I'm--

- all right, so maybe
that has to stop.

- Listen, but I'm
not gonna change who I am,

so if I had a party
and people came and people

left complaining about it,
that wouldn't bother me.

- It's obnoxious.
I wouldn't do it.

- Okay, so that's you.
- It might not bother you but--

- you want a medal?
I don't know.

- You know what I'm saying?
- It is offensive.

You know,
I have opened my home

in what I hope
was a really gracious way.

- That's not my intention
to be offensive.

- It's not usually
someone's intention.

- It's usually for shock value.

- Why? I don't understand that.

- I just think that punch lines
should be funny and--

- every time you say an insult,
you got to sleep

in the trailer.
There we go, you're going.

- Oh, my god, dolores.

What is your issue
with the ----ing trailer.

I did not come here
searching for my own room.

I mean, like, we're not
at the four seasons here,

where I'm like, "I want
the ----ing penthouse suite."

- oh, that was another one.

There was
another one, right?

- It was, jen. It was.
- I'm sorry.

- It was. [laughs]

- jen, listen to me.
- Yeah.

- Do you get what that
sounds like right now?

I think you just need to be

a little bit more conscious
of what you're saying

when you're in somebody's
house about like,

was it a little offensive,
yes, no?

I'm just letting you know.

- Listen, now that
you're saying

the words out loud,
I really didn't realize it.

Polly, I would like
to apologize to you

about the sunset.

I one-upped you,
and at the end of the day,

I'm just sorry that I did that.
I shouldn't have done that.

Thank you for pointing it
out to me,

but that was not
my intention, really.

I came here
to make good friends,

not to ruffle feathers,

and if I insulted anybody
during the process,

I have no problem owning up
to it or apologizing for it.

I'm just trying to fit in.
I think this was great.

I would never have had this
experience at the four seasons.

- She'd never have this
experience at the four seasons.

- Damn, I thought I was
the four seasons.

- Meaning the wonderful,

the wonderful experience.

The wonderful experience
that I would never have

gotten to see.
- Now, that was funny.

- And I want to thank you
instead of insulting you,

and if I insulted you,
I'm sorry.

- I believe you.
Thank you, we're good.

- I just want
to say good night

because, like,
I'm totally heated.

- Okay.
- Thank you so much.

I just want to, like relax.
We had a conversation about it.

I'm hoping it's over,
and guess what,

I'm gonna sleep in the ----ing
trailer tonight, all right?

So we're good.

- We had a little argument,
we, like, moved on,

and she's gonna sleep
in the trailer.

- I'm not gonna lie.

I'm a definite
inappropriate drunk,

so I may have hoe'd down
a little bit too much.

Note to self, easy
on the tequila next time.

- Night, honey. Thank you.

- Great time, great party.

- This is the best ranch
experience I've ever had

in my entire life.
- I'm so happy.

- Next time on "the real
housewives of new jersey"...

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my goodness.

- This is enormous.
- Oh, and you have a throne.

- I have a few thrones.
- I come home,

by wife's ----ing
almost crying

because she's like,
"I can't just get over it."

- of course she comes home
and tears up,

makes you feel sorry for her.

- Get the (bleep) out of here.
- Do you really think

that melissa
can control her husband?

- Yeah.
- Do you think that

your husband
would be in jail right now

if you could control
what he did?

- To learn more about
"the real housewives,"

- this season on...

- Shh.
- Surprise!

- [ baby cries ]
- I adopted a baby.

[ baby coos ]

- genuinely--
- okay.

- I'm sorry.

- Here's to, like,
one day at a time, girl.

- Thank you.

- I've never gone
to lunch with leeanne,

but she invited me.

- Good luck with that.

- I feel like you are so
different away from brandi.

- I'll be gone
the whole month of may.

- Travis is leaving to go
to harvard business school.

Everything is going
to go to hell.

- We're best friends.
[ glasses clink ]

- brandi and d'andra going
to best buddies in the group

can be explained
by one simple river--

alcohol.

- Are you saying I have
a drinking problem?

- And you're drunk.
You're an alcoholic.

- My adoption is not final.

But you insinuating something
like that, you could hurt me.

- I may have to go and,
you know, get--

separate my company
and get an investor.

- You can go out here and sell
it on the street if you want to.

I don't really give a rip
what you do.

- So the company will be
100% mine or 75% mine?

- No, you're going to have 100%.

I'm going to get the lawyer
to draw up the papers.

- Do you feel like
he's faithful?

There's been a lot
of rumors about, you know,

his relationships
with other women.

- Shut up.
You stay out of it.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

Don't put your ----ing
finger in my face.

- Stop it!
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Stop!

[ cheers and applause ]

- I am topless.
Bitch, what are you doing?T?

- I was videotaping it for
posterity so you could watch it.

- You're a manipulative
----ing bitch!

And that's why you were
taking a video back there,

is because you want
to use it against us.

All of you have been
a bunch of fake bitches.

----Ing bitch.

- I'll text you where I am,
and I would love for you

to come meet me.
- Don't cry.

- D'andra leaving
and not being here,

what little bit of hope was
left for me and d'andra

just walked out the door.

- Leeanne has, um,
hacked my

- leeanne, if you're going
back to your old habits,

you're still the same person.
You haven't changed.

- This isn't my first rodeo.
So I'm not taking your bull.