The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Medford, 90210 - full transcript

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS DEFINITELY THE BIGGEST
STEP UP WE'VE HAD IN VACATIONS.

- YOU'LL GET TO SEE EACH OTHER
MORE OFTEN AND HANG OUT...

- I THINK WE WILL.
- AND HAVE SOME FUN.

- REALLY.
- CHEERS.

- I MEAN, LIFE IS JUST
TOO SHORT.

- TO ROYALTY

AND TO NOT TALKING [bleep]
BEHIND EACH OTHER'S BACK.

- I WAS JUST GONNA SAY,
LOYALTY TO EACH OTHER

AND WHEN WE'RE NOT
WITH EACH OTHER.



- THE LADY OF THE HOUR,
LISA VANDERPUMP.

- I DON'T WANT TO RUIN
THIS INCREDIBLE OCCASION

BY INVITING MY FRIENDS.

[cheers and applause]

- YOU'VE NEVER SPOKEN AGAIN
SINCE ALL THAT HAPPENED

IN PUERTO RICO?

- YOU KNOW WHAT,
I HAD TO TAKE A MOMENT.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THAT, LIKE,
FRIENDSHIP AGAIN WITH HER

WHERE IT'S... I'M HER SIDEKICK.

I WANT TO HAVE
A RESPECTABLE RELATIONSHIP

WHERE WE BOTH HAVE OUR OPINIONS,

AND IF WE DON'T AGREE,
IT'S OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[upbeat music]



- THROW ME TO THE WOLVES,

AND I SHALL RETURN
LEADING THE PACK.

- CHARACTER ISN'T WHAT YOU HAVE;
IT'S WHO YOU ARE.

- YOU'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT ME,

BUT IT'S ONLY TRUE
WHEN IT COMES FROM MY LIPS.

- I'M NOT A BITCH,
BUT I'VE PLAYED ONE ON TV.

- I'VE BEEN RICH,
AND I'VE BEEN FAMOUS,

BUT HAPPINESS BEATS THEM BOTH.

- I'D RATHER SPENDING MY LIFE
KICKING ASS THAN KISSING IT.

- PLANES AND YACHTS ARE NICE,
BUT MY HAPPINESS STARTS AT HOME.

- OH, WAIT.
I GOT TO CLEAN THIS POOP UP.

- THAT'S A FIRST.
- SO GROSS.

- MOM, YOUR JEANS ARE MAKING
ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

- WHY?
- THE ONES I'M WEARING.

- THESE ARE MINE?
- [laughs] YES.

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK ME
IF YOU CAN BORROW MY CLOTHES.

- BUT YOU SAY NO.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THOSE WERE YOURS.

- NO.
- OOPSIES.

- I DON'T LIKE TO SHARE
MY CLOTHES,

AND IF I DO, YOU HAVE TO ASK ME.

- BUT YOU... OKAY.
- THAT'S ALL. JUST ASK ME.

- OKAY.
- AND I'LL SAY NO.

[laughter]

SEEING MY KIDS HAVING NO FILTER

REALLY HELPS ME TO UNDERSTAND

WHAT I PUT MY POOR MOTHER
THROUGH.

SHE ALWAYS SAID TO ME,

"I JUST HOPE I LIVE LONG ENOUGH

"TO SEE YOU HAVE TEENAGERS

AND SEE THEM DO TO YOU
WHAT YOU DID TO ME."

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

OKAY, SO... OREGON.

THE HOUSE SOLD,
AND I HAVE TO GO UP

AND JUST GET MY STUFF OUT.

MY DAD'S HEALTH WAS AILING,

AND MY MOM WAS TAKING CARE OF
HIM, AND THEN SHE HAD A STROKE,

AND SO MY SISTER AND I
MADE THE DECISION

TO SELL EVERYTHING
AND GIVE UP THE HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP THERE,
EXACTLY.

- YOUR HOUSE
OR YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE?

- MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
- OH.

- LIKE, THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN.

MY PARENTS AREN'T IN A PLACE
THAT THEY WANT TO BE.

THEY'D LIKE TO BE AT HOME.

NOBODY WANTED TO SELL THE HOUSE,

SO IT'S A VERY, VERY DIFFICULT,
SAD TIME.

- I WOULDN'T BE SAD.
- WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE SAD?

- I DON'T KNOW. I JUST WOULDN'T.

- YOU WOULDN'T BE SAD
IF THIS HOUSE SOLD?

YOU WOULD JUST BE LIKE,
"WHATEVER"?

- NO.
- I WOULDN'T BE SAD.

- "YES! SCORE!"

- I WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS
TO COME UP WITH ME.

- UM, I THINK I'M BUSY.

I HAVE A PERMIT...
I HAVE MY PERMIT TEST.

- YOU'D HAVE TO MISS IT.

- NO.
- I'M NOT MISSING MY...

- I DON'T WANT HER TO MISS IT.

SHE NEEDS TO DRIVE ME
EVERYWHERE.

- BUT I WANT YOU TO COME.
- CASH MONEY.

- I'M NOT PAYING YOU.
- I DON'T WANT TO LIFT BOXES.

I'M SORRY, THAT'S ME.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIFT BOXES.

IT'S ALREADY...
IT'S ALREADY NAILED DOWN.

WE WOULD HAVE ALREADY HAD
THE ESTATE SALE.

IT'S ALL MY STUFF, BECAUSE I
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO UP THERE

IS IN THE GARAGE.

- WHAT STUFF?
YOU MOVED OUT 28 YEARS AGO.

SO WHY DO YOU STILL
HAVE STUFF THERE?

- BECAUSE NANA SAVED
ALL MY STUFF.

SO IMAGINE IF I SAVED
ALL YOUR STUFFED ANIMALS,

ALL YOUR ARTWORK...

- THAT'S HOARDING, THOUGH.

LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU WANT
YOUR STUFFED ANIMALS

FROM 30 YEARS AGO?

- I WANT MY GIRLS TO BE
IN THE REALITY

OF WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON AND
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON FOR ME,

SO IT MEANS EVERYTHING
FOR THEM TO BE THERE WITH ME.

- HAVE FUN.
- I THINK YOU SHOULD COME.

- OH.

- IS THERE ANYTHING IN THERE?
THE TRUNK?

- YEAH, JUST THOSE
THREE PICTURES.

- HANKY, PANKY.

ARE YOU PLEASED TO SEE ME,
SEXY BOYS?

DID YOU MISS ME, MY SEXY?

DID YOU MISS ME?

I HAVE THESE TWO BEAUTIFUL
GAY SWANS.

MUHAMMAD GAVE ME HANKY, PANKY
WHEN THEY WERE TINY BABIES,

AND UNUSUALLY I'VE KIND OF
HAND-REARED THEM.

LET ME KISS YOU FIRST.

I LOVE YOU.

I WANT TO PICK THEIR BODIES UP

AND STICK MY HANDS IN
THEIR FEATHER-DIAPERED BOTTOMS.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY LET YOU
DO THAT TO 'EM.

- OH, YEAH.

NOW I CAN ACTUALLY GRAB HIS ASS,
THIS ONE.

- WHICH ONE IS THAT?
- SOON YOU'LL BE IN MY BED.

YES, YOU WILL. YES, YOU WILL.

WE'VE COME A LONG WAY,
HAVEN'T WE?

ROCIO?

DID YOU DO THE BAGS, YEAH?

- YES, I UNPACKED YOUR THINGS
ALREADY.

- DESPERATE FOR A CUP OF TEA.

- I WANT TO MAKE TEA FOR YOU.

- OKAY, THANKS.
- COME ON, GUYS.

- COME ON.
- COME ON, BOYS.

COME ON, MY BOYS.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

COME ON, MY LITTLE MAN.

MY LITTLE BEAR.

MY LITTLE BEAR WITH BALLS.

- WHOA.

- HE-HE-HE. I LOVE YOU.

OKAY, YOU LIKE TO WEE
EVERYWHERE,

SO YOU SIT DOWN.

I GOT A TEXT FROM KYLE
THAT I'VE GOT TO RESPOND TO.

- WHAT ABOUT? THE STAR?
CONGRATULATING YOU?

- NO, NO.

NO, SHUT UP.

- NO?
- NO.

NO, TEXT FROM KYLE INVITING ME...

- OF COURSE SHE'S GOT A HOUSE
IN PALM SPRINGS.

- ARE YOU WINDING ME UP?

- SHE'S GONNA BE VERY PLEASED
WITH YOU.

- SHE IS. SHUT UP.

KEN ALWAYS WANTS HARMONY
WITH MY FRIENDS.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, DARLING.

I GOT A TEXT INVITING US
TO A BARBECUE ON WEDNESDAY.

- OH, WOW.
- DO YOU WANT TO GO?

- FOR SURE. LET'S DO IT.

- YEP, AND THEN BRANDI'S
HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

- JUST CALLING TO SEE IF YOU GOT
MY SAVE-THE-DATE,

AND I WAS HOPING JUST TO, LIKE,
GET BACK ON TRACK

WITH OUR FRIENDSHIP.

- I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO HAVE
THIS CONVERSATION

ON KYLE'S PHONE WITH KYLE THERE.

I DON'T BRING IN GIRLFRIENDS

TO BACK ME UP
AND ALL THAT STUFF.

CLEARLY I'M NOT GONNA GO
TO THAT.

I'VE SEEN HOW CLOSE
KYLE AND BRANDI ARE GETTING.

I THINK KYLE MIGHT NEED
TO BE CAREFUL.

SHE MIGHT NOT QUITE KNOW
WHO SHE'S DEALING WITH,

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO WARN HER.

THAT'S ALL LEARN BY OUR OWN
MISTAKES, SHALL WE?

- I'M DEFINITELY NOT GOING
TO THAT.

- WELL, WHATEVER.

- MAYBE SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU
TO SAY SHE'S SORRY.

- I DON'T THINK
THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN

ANY TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

UH-OH.

SOMEBODY'S COMING TO VISIT.

[dogs barking]

HEY!

[laughter]

HEY!

OKAY. NOW YOU GO.

OFF YOU GO. GO ON. GO ON.

- HI.
- HI.

- OH, MY GOD. IT'S VERY WINDY.

- IT'S VERY WINDY.

HI, EILEEN. ARE YOU IN THERE?

EILEEN, YOLANDA.
YOLANDA, EILEEN.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M WELL.

SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- GOING OUT TO MALIBU
IS A VERY LONG HAUL FOR ME

FROM BEVERLY HILLS,

SO IF I'M GOING OUT THERE,

I MIGHT AS WELL GET
MY TWO MALIBU FRIENDS

TOGETHER FOR LUNCH.

- CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO DRINK?

- YES, I'D LOVE
A DRY WHITE WINE.

- YOU GOT IT.

- WHATEVER YOU HAVE
THAT'S REALLY SUPER DRY.

- NO PROBLEM.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- I HAVE SO MUCH MAKEUP ON
FROM WORK.

I WORKED... I JUST GOT OFF
OF WORK.

IF I SMILE, MY FACE IS GONNA
GO...

- CRACK OPEN?

[laughter]

DID YOU GUYS WORK TOGETHER?
- WE DID.

- BUT WE ACTUALLY KNEW EACH
OTHER BEFORE WE WORKED TOGETHER,

BECAUSE YOU WERE GOING OUT
WITH...

- PETER.
- I KNEW YOU IN THE '80s.

- GIRL, THAT SOUNDS
WAY TOO LONG AGO.

- UH, DOESN'T IT?

GIGI, YOUR DAUGHTER,
WAS AT OUR HOUSE.

- SHE WAS?
- YES.

MY STEPSON WAS IN SCHOOL
WITH HER.

MALIBU HIGH. - OH, CUTE.

- SO WE HAD A PARTY IN
THE LAST OF THEIR JUNIOR YEAR.

AND... OH, MY GOD, I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S FINE.

NO, YOU GOT TO CONNECT IT.
CONNECT IT.

I KNEW YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE
A LOT IN COMMON.

- SO HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?

- I HAVE TWO STEPSONS THAT ARE...

WELL, VINNY WHO'S ALMOST 19,

AND THEN DUKE WHO'S 21,

AND THEN WE HAVE AN 11-YEAR-OLD,
WHO'S JESSE.

- JESSE. BOY OR GIRL?

- BOY.
- BOY.

- ALL BOYS.

LOTS OF BALLS FLYING AROUND
THAT HOUSE ALL THE TIME.

I DO SPEND A LOT OF TIME
WITH BOYS.

MY KIDS, MY HUSBAND,
THEIR FRIENDS.

BOYS.

- DO THEY BRING HOME
GIRLFRIENDS,

OR NOT YET?

- YEAH, WE JUST HAD
ONE OF THE BOYS' GIRLFRIENDS

STAY FOR TWO NIGHTS.

- DO THEY SLEEP
IN THE SAME ROOM?

- NO, THANK YOU.

- OKAY, I WONDERED
HOW THAT WORKED.

- I MEAN, I'M VERY DUTCH.
I WOULD.

IF THEY'RE IN
A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP IT
ANYWAY.

- YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

- I'M AT THAT POINT WHERE I JUST
DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD TAKE THEM

AND PUT THEM ON
THE, YOU KNOW, PILL.

- I WAS ACTUALLY THAT STEPMOM.

"DON'T FORGET YOUR CONDOMS."

THEY'RE LIKE,
"SHUT UP. GO AWAY."

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T CARE.

"I'D RATHER YOU THINK
I'M A WEIRD PERSON.

I'M GONNA SAY IT ALL THE TIME."

- EILEEN AND I BOTH LIVE
IN MALIBU,

SO WE MUST BE LIKING
THE SAME LIFESTYLE.

SHE SEEMED LIKE
A BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT,

AND I LIKE HER ENERGY.

- I WAS READY TO DOWNSIZE

WHEN I LEFT THE SHOW A YEAR AGO.

I'M TIRED OF THE UPKEEP,

AND CLEARLY I'M NOT
DOING IT MYSELF.

HOWEVER, IT'S JUST A LOT
OF RESPONSIBILITY

TO BE THINKING ABOUT
ALL THE TIME,

AND I'M LIKE, "I JUST WANT
SOMETHING MORE SIMPLE."

I DON'T NEED A BIG BROUHAHA
AND THE WHOLE THING.

- ME NEITHER. FUNNY.
I'M OVER IT.

I'VE DONE IT. - ME TOO.

- WE'VE LIVED IT, AND NOW I JUST
WANT SIMPLE...

- EASY MAINTENANCE.

- YEAH,
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY
PEOPLE YOU HAVE HELPING YOU.

YOU'RE STILL IN CHARGE.

- I TELL EVERYBODY,
THE MORE YOU HAVE,

THE MORE WORK IT IS,
AND IT'S CONSTANT.

- IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

- IT'S SO NICE FOR ME
TO HAVE WOMEN

THAT I CAN ACTUALLY TALK TO
ABOUT THINGS

THAT THE GUYS JUST FRANKLY
DON'T CARE ABOUT.

I MEAN, I'VE HAD TO ASK
THE BOYS,

"DO YOU LIKE MY DRESS?

DO YOU THINK THE SHOES
WORK WITH IT?"

AND THEY'RE SO SWEET,
BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY

TRY TO ANSWER ME.

PROBABLY IN THE WRONG WAY.

I'M NOT SOMEBODY TO HAVE, LIKE,
A "MANAGER"

TO, LIKE, A HOME.

- I CLEAN TOILETS AND HOUSES

BETTER THAN ANYBODY.

- I USED TO DO THAT
FOR A LIVING,

SO, SO DO I.

- I LOVE A GOOD CLEAN TOILET.

[laughter]

- COMING UP...

- ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
CHUB-CHUBS HERE?

- FAST FOOD IS KING HERE.

- MAKES ME A LITTLE BIT
UNCOMFORTABLE HERE.

- JUSTIN.
- YO.

- WHAT TO COME DOWN HERE
WITH ME?

- YEAH, LET ME GRAB
THAT MAGAZINE.

- I NEED TO CALL OR EMAIL DAVID,

PETALS BY DAVID,

ABOUT THE FLOWERS.

- WHAT DO WE WANT?
- FIGURE IT OUT.

CAN YOU HELP ME JUST GO
OVER THIS FOR A MINUTE?

I GREW UP IN A HOUSE

WHERE MY MOM WAS ALWAYS
HAVING PEOPLE OVER,

AND I LOVED THAT.

SO MAURICIO AND I ALWAYS
ARE ENTERTAINING.

I WANT, LIKE, ENGLISH
COUNTRYSIDE GARDEN BARBECUE.

[laughter]

I SAY "BARBECUE" BECAUSE THEN
THERE'S LESS EXPECTATION.

BUT DOES ANYBODY IN THIS GROUP
REALLY JUST WANT A HOT DOG?

OKAY, SO COMING TO THE BARBECUE
IS...

MY SISTER KIM;

CHRISTINE, I THINK, AND STEVE;

MICHELLE AND DANIEL;

LISA RINNA I INVITED,
BUT I THINK SHE'S OUT OF TOWN;

BRANDI; YOLANDA;

I THINK LISA AND KEN.

I HAVE DECIDED WHEN MY FRIENDS
ARE NOT GETTING ALONG,

I WILL INVITE BOTH,

AND WHOEVER DOESN'T WANT TO COME
DOESN'T HAVE TO COME.

I AM NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL,

BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

I CAN PROBABLY MAKE SANGRIA
MYSELF.

- YOU CAN, AND WE HAVE TWO
OF THOSE THINGS TOO.

- AND WHEN I SAY "I,"
I MEAN, "WE."

[laughter]

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE
A SANGRIA?

- YES.

IT'S GONNA BE A GHETTO SANGRIA,

BUT IT'S GONNA BE SANGRIA.

- CAN YOU GOOGLE
"NOT GHETTO SANGRIA"?

- I KNOW.
I'M GONNA CALL CURTIS STONE.

HE ALWAYS ANSWERS
MY PHONE CALLS.

I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE DAYS

WHEN YOU HAD A BARBECUE WITH,
LIKE, HOT DOGS AND HAMBURGERS

AND...

- I THINK THAT THIS IS FEELING

A LITTLE MORE LIKE
A BEVERLY HILLS BARBECUE.

- DO YOU PEOPLE NOT DO
ANYTHING REGULAR?

IS EVERYTHING SO LUXE
AROUND HERE?

- IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

HA.

I'VE GOT THE GIRLS WITH ME,

DELILAH IS GONNA GO BACK EARLY

TO TAKE HER DRIVER'S TEST,

WHICH I'VE PROMISED HER.

IT'S ALL ABOUT NEGOTIATION,

AND ALL THEY HAVE TO DO TODAY

IS GO WITH ME TO SEE
GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.

- CAN I DRIVE TODAY?
- EASY.

I DON'T KNOW.

MEDFORD, I DIDN'T NECESSARILY
FEEL LIKE I BELONGED.

- ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
CHUB-CHUBS HERE?

- UH, FAST FOOD IS KING HERE.

- MAKES ME A LITTLE BIT
UNCOMFORTABLE HERE.

- WHY?
- HOMETOWN BUFFET.

- I WAS A FISH OUT OF WATER,

AND MY FATHER HAD BEEN
TRANSFERRED FROM HIS COMPANY

FROM NEWPORT BEACH, CALIFORNIA,
WHEN I WAS SEVEN.

I WORE DRESSES
THAT WERE SO SHORT

YOU COULD ALMOST SEE
MY WHOO-WHOO.

I WAS TEASED A LOT.
IT WAS NEVER COMFORTABLE.

I JUST BELONG IN A BIG CITY.

LIKE, I DIDN'T BELONG
IN MEDFORD, OREGON.

- OH, SECOND MCDONALD'S.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TWO IN, LIKE,
ONE MINUTE OF DRIVING?

- WELL, THAT'S THE ONE
THAT I WENT TO

EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY
AFTER CHURCH.

- YOU WENT TO CHURCH?
- I LOVED GOING TO CHURCH.

I WOULD GO TO CHURCH...
- THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

- DOES IT?
- YOU'RE SO WEIRD.

- HAVING IT SEEN THROUGH
THEIR EYES,

I MEAN, THAT'S HOW I FELT
ABOUT MEDFORD GROWING UP.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY AM I HERE?

I'M MORE FABULOUS THAN THIS."

- I'M SORRY, BUT I FEEL BAD
FOR YOU.

- NOW I GOT TO CUT YOU
SOME SLACK,

BECAUSE NOW I KNOW HOW
YOU GREW UP.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
ABOUT THAT, ACTUALLY.

- SO I THINK THERE HAS TO BE
A LOT OF TOMATOES NOW.

THERE'S, LIKE, SO MUCH DOG POOP
DOWN HERE.

HOW COME ONE OF THE KIDS
ISN'T CLEANING IT UP?

- THE GARDENER SHOULD BE GETTING
IT, ACTUALLY.

- NO, THE KIDS SHOULD BE
GETTING IT.

AND COULD YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY
WE HAVE 500 POOPER SCOOPERS?

- IT'S AWFUL.

- VINCENT AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE
THE MALIBU LIFESTYLE.

THE ONE PROBLEM IS, IT'S
A GOOD HOUR ONE WAY FROM TOWN.

THE DISTANCE KIND OF HAS HELPED
TURN US INTO HOMEBODIES.

THESE ARE AMAZING. - BEAUTIFUL.

DON'T... WAIT A SECOND.

WOW.

- VINCE AND I TEND TO BE
TOGETHER A LOT,

BECAUSE OUR WORK SCHEDULES
ARE ERRATIC.

- WOW!

JEEZ, WHAT THE HECK'S
IN THIS THING?

LOOK AT THAT.

OH, GOD.

- I WOULDN'T HAVE IT
ANY OTHER WAY.

WHAT'S OVER THERE?
IS THERE A CREATURE?

- AH! ARE YOU KIDDING?

- [laughs]

I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I HAD
DRINKS WITH LISA RINNA

AND HER FRIEND YOLANDA,
WHO'S VERY NICE.

- RIGHT, RIGHT. HOW DID THAT GO?

- GOOD. I LOVE HER.

SHE'S MARRIED TO DAVID FOSTER.

- I PLAYED TENNIS WITH HIM
YEARS AGO.

HE'S A NICE GUY, GREAT GUY.

- DID YOU REALLY?
- YEAH.

- DO YOU WANT TO TURN ON
THE HOSE AND I'LL WATER IT?

WASH MY HANDS. OW!

YOU'RE SUCH AN [bleep]!

LET GO.

[laughing]

- FUNNY. FUNNY. THAT'S GREAT.

ALL RIGHT.

- YOU CAN WASH,
AND I'LL DO THAT.

WHAT'S THAT WEIRD THING
RIGHT THERE?

OH, MY GOD, IT'S A WORM.

EWW.

OR MAYBE IT'S NOT.

[phone ringing]

HELLO?

- HEY, EILEEN. IT'S YOLANDA.

- HI, YOLANDA. HOW ARE YOU?

- I AM GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M FINE.

- WE'RE HAVING A BARBECUE
AT MY GIRLFRIEND KYLE'S HOUSE

ON WEDNESDAY,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU GUYS
WANT TO JOIN ME

AND MAYBE DRIVE UP TOGETHER.

- I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I WOULD LOVE THAT.

WE COULD PICK YOU UP ON THE WAY.

- OKAY, GREAT.
ALL RIGHT, EILEEN.

- THANKS SO MUCH.
I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

- OKAY. BYE-BYE.

- BYE.

HONEY, YOU KNOW HOW WE COMPLAIN
THAT WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE?

WE'VE BEEN INVITED
TO A BARBECUE.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- NO, IT'S GOOD TO GET OUT
OF THE HOUSE ONCE IN A WHILE.

SOMETIMES VINNY GETS GRUMPY

WHEN HE HAS TO GO INTO TOWN,

OR EVEN DOWN THE STREET.

[laughs]

WE'RE GOING PLACES!

- OKAY, HERE WE ARE.

IT'S NICE.

[gasps] HI.

- OH, MY GOD.

HI!

- YOU'RE SO CUTE. I'M GONNA CRY.

- OH...

- WOW.

- OH, MY GOD.

MY GOD...

YOU'RE MONSTROUS.
YOU'RE MONSTROUS.

- I TRY TO GET BACK TO MEDFORD
ABOUT ONCE A YEAR

WITH THE GIRLS,

AND NOW MORE OFTEN
BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS.

HI, DADDY. HOW YOU DOING?

- LET'S SEE.
- NOT TOO WELL, BUT...

HANGING IN THERE.

- MY DAD IS 92,

WHICH IS A MIRACLE IN ITSELF.

HE'S REALLY STRONG, THOUGH.

HE JUST, LIKE,
FIGHTS THROUGH IT,

BECAUSE I THINK HE DOESN'T WANT
TO LEAVE MY MOM.

- SHE'S MY ROCK.

SHE TAKES GOOD CARE OF ME.

- DOES SHE?

- I NEED A LOT
OF TAKING CARE OF.

- LISA?
- YES?

- YOU WANT TO COME AND SEE
DAD'S PAINTINGS?

REMEMBER, I TOLD YOU,
THEY PUT THEM IN THE...

- YEAH.
- WHAT IS THAT ROOM, FRANK?

WHERE THEY PUT YOUR PAINTINGS?
WHAT'S THAT CALLED?

- WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY
CALL IT, BUT...

- DO YOU WANT TO GO?
- COME AND SEE THEM.

- MY MOM HAD A STROKE
JUST OUT OF THE BLUE,

AND IT ERASED A LOT
OF HER MEMORY.

AND THAT HAS BEEN
REALLY HARD TO SEE,

BECAUSE MY MOM IS...

THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S EVERYTHING,

AND SHE ALWAYS JUST HAD IT
SO TOGETHER.

WOW!

THIS LOOKS GREAT.

OH, DAD, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT.

- TELL US WHICH ONES
YOU THAT YOU WANT.

- WELL, I LOVE THE ROSE.

YOU KNOW, THE ROSE
IS MY FAVORITE.

- I KEEP ASKING YOU GIRLS TO PUT
YOUR NAMES ON THE BACKS OF THEM

SO WE KNOW...

- I KNOW, BUT THAT IS REALLY...

- YOU WON'T FACE IT.

- WE DON'T LIKE TO FACE THAT.

IT'S JUST HARD NOT HAVING
YOUR PARENTS BE YOUNG

AND FULL OF LIFE AND...

IT'S SO HARD TO WATCH PEOPLE
GET OLD.

WHAT'S THIS ONE?

- SOME OF MY BROTHER'S BUDDIES.

- OH.

- THEY WERE GOING HUNTING.

- WHAT YEAR DO YOU THINK
THAT WAS?

- OH...
- LOOK AT THE CAR.

- JUST...
- I KNOW.

LOOK AT THAT.

- TO KNOW THAT MY DAD
CAN'T PAINT ANYMORE

AND HE CAN'T DO THE THINGS
THAT KEPT HIM FEELING ALIVE,

THAT'S HARD.

HE'S JUST NOT HAVING ANY FUN.

- WHEN YOU'RE 92,
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

- I DON'T FEEL LIKE I BELONG.

- YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE
YOU BELONG?

- NO, HE DOESN'T LIVE HERE.
- OH.

- HE'S JUST SPENDING HIS NIGHTS
HERE.

- I'M GONNA CRY.

- I DON'T KNOW WHERE
TO SETTLE DOWN ANYMORE.

- I FEEL A LOT OF GUILT
LIVING FAR AWAY FROM THEM.

MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE I'M A BAD DAUGHTER.

I KNOW IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
FOR ME TO BE HERE WITH MY KIDS,

AND YET...

IT WOULD BE NICE TO, YOU KNOW,

BE THERE FOR MY PARENTS
RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, HE'LL PROBABLY BE HERE
IN ANOTHER 10 OR 15.

- THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

- I HOPE NOT.

I HAVEN'T BEEN WELL.

- I KNOW.
I WANT YOU TO FEEL BETTER, DAD.

- I'D REALLY LIKE
TO FEEL BETTER.

- NOBODY LIKES TO NOT FEEL GOOD.

IT'S REALLY, REALLY HARD.

- COMING UP...

- HELLO. HELLO. HELLO.

- LISA'S A VERY STUBBORN
INDIVIDUAL.

I THINK I'M ATTRACTED
TO THE CHALLENGE.

I WANT WHAT I CAN'T HAVE.

- HI.
- HI!

- OH, WE'RE HERE.

OH, MY GOD.

[speaks indistinctly]

[gasps] OH, MY GOD.

- YOU GOT TO FILL ME IN.

- WELL, I'M GOING
TO FILL YOU IN.

YOU'VE ALREADY STARTED DRINKING.

- [bleep], ARE YOU KIDDING?

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- WELCOME TO CICILY'S.
- HI.

CAN I GET A CLASS OF CHARDONNAY?

- ABSOLUTELY.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- I CAN'T DRINK ALONE, YOU KNOW?

- NANCY IS MY HALF-SISTER
FROM MY DAD'S FIRST MARRIAGE.

SHE CAME TO LIVE WITH US
VERY SPORADICALLY

WHEN I WAS SIX.

I ONLY REMEMBER, LIKE, HER
SITTING ON THE TOILET, SMOKING.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH NANCY NOW
IS MORE OF, YOU KNOW,

AS A FRIEND.

THANK YOU FOR DOING ALL OF THIS.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH,

AND I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE
BEEN MORE PART OF IT, REALLY,

BECAUSE I THINK I JUST
AVOIDED IT.

I THINK I REALLY...
- IT'S EASY TO AVOID.

- I REALLY HAVE TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU.

I THINK I JUST WAS LIKE,
"I'M GONNA LET NANCY DO IT

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
I CAN HANDLE IT."

AND THE TRUTH IS, IT IS REALLY
TOUGH TO HANDLE.

SHE'S BEEN CARRY
ALL OF THE WEIGHT, REALLY.

I MEAN, MUCH MORE.

I MEAN, WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY MORE.

HE KIND OF LOOKED AT ME
IN A WAY TODAY

THAT SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT,
IT'S NOT MUCH LONGER,

SO GET READY."

HE'S SUFFERING.

HE'S [bleep] MISERABLE;
THAT'S THE TRUTH.

- BREAKS MY HEART.
JUST BREAKS MY HEART.

CAN WE THINK ABOUT
SOMETHING ELSE NOW?

PLEASE?

- HERE WE GO.

- HI!
- HELLO.

LOOK AT YOU. - HI!

- COME SIT OVER HERE.

WE WANT YOU TO SIT
IN THE MIDDLE, OVER HERE.

COME HERE; WE'RE GONNA HAVE YOU
SIT OVER HERE BY MAMA.

I'M SO HUNGRY, I'M READY TO EAT
THIS MENU.

- DO THEY HAVE GLUTEN-FREE?

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING
THAT YOUR MOTHER COOKS FOR YOU?

[laughter]

- PROBABLY THE MICROWAVABLE RICE
SHE BURNED.

- SHE MAKES SCRAMBLED EGGS
WITH THE SHELLS STILL IN THEM.

- I DO NOT.

- SHE ALSO COMES FROM
REALLY GOOD COOKING STOCK,

IN LOIS.

- ME?

- SHE ALWAYS TOLD EVERYBODY
THAT I...

- I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU NOW.

- OH. [laughter]

- GROWING UP,
MY SALADS CONSISTED

OF DIFFERENT COLORED JELL-OS
EVERY NIGHT.

I NEVER SAW LETTUCE
UNTIL I WAS 25.

- [laughs] OH, YOU DID...

- I'M JUST A PRODUCT
OF MY MOTHER.

SEE, BABE. - OH.

- I GOT TO GET THESE GIRLS
OUT OF HERE

BY 5:30 IN THE MORNING.

THEY'RE GOING HOME. - OH.

5:30.

- SO, MOM, DO YOU WANT
TO GO OVER TO THE HOUSE?

OR ARE YOU DONE?
- I DON'T KNOW, MOM.

- OKAY.

- I'LL PROBABLY GO TONIGHT

JUST TO SAY GOOD-BYE
TO THE HOUSE.

- I'LL SAY MY GOOD-BYE TOMORROW.

YES, IT'S HARD TO SAY GOOD-BYE
TO THE MEMORIES,

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE
THIS MOMENT FOR CLOSURE.

- DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT
GOING IN THAT POOL, BAMBI.

- [laughs]
- PERFECT.

- UM...
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- YEAH.
- OH, THAT LOOKS REALLY PRETTY.

- IT DOES, RIGHT?
- YES.

- KYLE?
- YES?

- I WANT TO GET STARTED
ON THE SANGRIA.

IS THERE A WINE I CAN USE?

- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHICH RED WINE.

I JUST DON'T WANT IT TO BE ONE
THAT'S, LIKE,

A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY,
BECAUSE MY HUSBAND...

- I DON'T WANT TO USE
AN EXPENSIVE BOTTLE.

- I KNOW, I DID THAT ONCE.

I OPENED UP... MY HUSBAND'S, LIKE,

"THAT WAS A $2,000
BOTTLE OF WINE."

I'M STILL JETLAGGED FROM SPAIN,

AND IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT
TO MAKE HAMBURGERS AND HOT DOGS.

IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT
TO BE STRESSED

AND RUNNING AROUND LIKE
A CHICKEN WITH MY HEAD CUT OFF,

SO I AM GOING TO HAVE AN EXTRA
PAIR OF HANDS HELPING ME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR HELPING ME DO THIS.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- MY HUSBAND WAS SUPPOSED
TO COME HOME EARLY TO HELP,

BUT... - MOM?

- SOME REASON,
AS YOU'VE SEEN BEFORE,

I'VE GOT IT WORKED OUT.

- CAN I HAVE MY OWN CANDLES?

- YOU CAN'T LIGHT CANDLES
ON YOUR OWN.

NO, YOU MAY NOT.

AH!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TODAY.

IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

NO. NO, NO, NO.

WE'RE PUTTING THIS AWAY,
AND WE'LL DO THIS TOMORROW.

NO, NO, NO.

- OKAY.
- THANK YOU.

- HI, YOU.
LOOK HOW PRETTY YOU ARE.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU.

- I LOVE THIS, BY THE WAY.

- THANKS.
- FABULOUS.

- YOU KNOW, I BOUGHT THESE BOOTS
A YEAR AGO,

AND I THOUGHT,
"IF I DON'T WEAR 'EM TODAY,

I NEVER WILL."

WHERE DO YOU WEAR THIS?

TO A BARBECUE, SO HERE THEY ARE.

- I DON'T KNOW THAT MANY WOMEN
THAT COULD PULL THAT OFF.

SHE'S JUST SO GORGEOUS.

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S COME
RIGHT OUT OF THE PAGES

OF SOME GREAT MAGAZINE.

- I'M HAPPY YOU GUYS ARE COMING.

IT'S A GREAT WAY
TO MEET EVERYBODY.

- YEAH.
- RIGHT?

- I'M EXCITED.

- KYLE WAS VERY EXCITED
WHEN I SAID,

"YOU KNOW, IS IT OKAY
IF A BRING EILEEN?"

SHE SAID, "YEAH!"

SO IT MUST BE...
IT'S VERY CASUAL.

- YOU KNOW, VINNY USED TO...
HE WORKED WITH KIM.

WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE.

- I LOVED KIM,
AND I FOLLOWED THEIR CAREER,

BUT I NEVER SAW THEM
PAST THE AGE OF 13.

- KYLE WAS ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES
WHEN I WAS ON.

- THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD ME, YES.
- I KNOW.

- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL ON CAMERA,
BY THE WAY,

JUST SO YOU KNOW.

- OH, THANK YOU.
HOW DID YOU SEE?

- I SAW MY REFLECTION
IN THE MONITOR.

- OH, DID THEY HAVE THAT?
I DIDN'T KNOW.

OH, THANK YOU. [laughs]

- SO WE HAVE ALL THESE WEIRD

LITTLE, YOU KNOW,
CROSSING PATHS.

- IT'S SUCH A SMALL WORLD
AT THE END OF THE DAY.

- I THOUGHT YOU TOOK YOUR TEETH
OUT TO BRUSH THEM.

JUST GIVE THEM TO ME.
I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

OH, GOD, YOU'VE GOT TO SEE
THESE SHOES, OKAY?

- OKAY. SHOW ME.

OH, MY GOD. THEY'RE HIGH.

- BUT AREN'T THEY GORGEOUS?

- THEY'RE HOOKER SHOES.
TRY THEM ON.

- THEY'RE NOT HOOKER SHOES.

- THEY ARE.
- THEY'RE BRIAN ATWOOD SHOES.

THEY'RE NOT HOOKER SHOES.
THEY'RE $1,400 SHOES.

THEY'RE NOT... NOT HOOKER.

DO YOU LIKE THEM?

- [mumbles]

- I DON'T WANT TO LOOK
LIKE A HOOKER.

ARE THEY HOOKER SHOES?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE.

BUT IF ANYBODY WOULD KNOW,
IT WOULD BE KEN.

- YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO WALK
IN 'EM.

THEY'RE SO HIGH.

- OF COURSE I CAN WALK IN 'EM.

I CAN WALK FROM THE CAR
TO THE TABLE.

- SO HIGH.
- OH, SHUT UP.

YOU'RE RUINING MY FUN.
I HATE YOU.

- OH, MY GOD. I NEED TO BUY ICE.

[bleep].

- HELLO?
- HONEY?

WE DON'T HAVE ANY ICE,
AND I REALLY NEED YOU HERE,

BUT I ALSO REALLY NEED ICE.

WHAT DO I DO?

MAURICIO LOVES TO LEAVE ME
HANGING TO THE LAST VERY SECOND

WHEN HE WALTZES IN, THEN SAYS,
"WHAT CAN I DO?"

AFTER EVERYTHING'S DONE.

- WELL, I'M IN THE VALLEY,

HEADING HOME,
SO I CAN'T STOP AND GET ICE.

- OKAY, HURRY HOME.

PEOPLE ARE ARRIVING
AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE.

- I KNOW, I KNOW,
I KNOW, I KNOW.

- I KNOW, I FORGET;
YOU GOT TO WORK.

LOVE YOU. - LOVE YOU. BYE.

- BYE.

- SHALL I DRIVE?

I MIGHT AS WELL DRIVE THERE,

BECAUSE ON THE WAY HOME,
I'LL BE TOO DRUNK.

I'M NOT GOING TO AVOID
GOING TO A CERTAIN EVENT

BECAUSE ONE PERSON IS THERE.

NO, THAT GIVES THEM THE POWER.

I MEAN, IF IT WAS SIX OF THEM,

IF IT WERE A PAIN IN THE ASS
LIKE IT HAS BEEN BEFORE,

MAYBE THEN.

BUT WITH BRANDI THERE, NO.

HEY, THIS IS MY SPACE.

- OKAY?
- YEAH.

[doorbell rings]

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

- MY DOG JUST... I TOLD YOU
THEY'RE ALL ESCAPE ARTISTS.

- SHE WANTS TO ESCAPE?
- THEY SUCH ESCAPE ARTISTS.

- I HAVE THE SAME ISSUE.
- YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON.

HOW ARE YOU?
- HI. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- I JUST KEPT...

- I HAVE 18 PEOPLE IN THERE.
- [laughs]

YOU HAVE A STAFF.

- I HAVE TWO COOKING.

TODAY I HAD SOME STAFF.

I DID HAVE A STAFF TODAY,
I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

- IF THIS IS A CASUAL BARBECUE,

I'M GONNA NEED SOME MAJOR BACKUP
FOR MY "HOUSEWARMING PARTY."

- OH, HELLO!

YOU AND AUNT KIM
LOOK LIKE TWINSIES.

- HOW ARE... OOH, YOUR HAIR
AND MAKEUP LOOK FANTASTIC.

- THANK YOU.
- PORTIA, NO!

OH, NO, NO, NO! [bleep]!

NO, NO, NO.

PORTIA, COME ON.
GET YOUR DOGGIES.

CHLOE! OH, MY GOD.

- HOW ARE YOU?

- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- SO DO YOU.

- HI, GUYS. all: HI!

- HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU?

Mwah!

LONG TIME, NO SEE.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WE MET ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

HOW ARE YOU? - NICE TO SEE YOU.

- THANKS FOR HAVING US.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- OH, MY GOD.

I HAVEN'T SEE YOU IN...
I MEAN, LET ME THINK.

30 YEARS? - GOT TO BE 30 YEARS.

- I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
LIKE, 30 YEARS, RIGHT?

WHEN YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW,

THERE WERE, WHAT, 13 CHANNELS

AND ONLY, LIKE, 5 OF THEM
WORKED?

EVERYBODY KNEW EVERYBODY,
AND EVERYBODY WAS FRIENDS.

- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- BRANDI.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. EILEEN. HI.

- I'M AROUND ACTORS
ALL THE TIME.

I'VE BEEN SLEPT WITH A FEW
OF THEM, LET'S BE HONEST.

SO I'M NOT THAT STARSTRUCK,

BUT DAYS OF OUR LIVES
WAS IN MY LIFE

EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL.

- EILEEN.
- EILEEN. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- AND YOU KNOW EILEEN'S HUSBAND,
VINNY.

- YOU GUYS ACTUALLY
WORKED TOGETHER.

- YOU WORKED TOGETHER
WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE.

- KIM!
- OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, I SAW YOU GET OUT
OF THE CAR,

AND I WAS LIKE...
NICE TO SEE YOU.

- NANNY AND THE PROFESSOR.
- YEP.

- SUPERSTARS.

- I DON'T REALLY ACTUALLY
REMEMBER WORKING WITH HIM,

BECAUSE I WAS LITTLE,

BUT VINCENT AND HIS BROTHERS,
ALL...

TOO CUTE.

- AH...

- MMM.

- HOW'S MY SHIPMATE?

- YOUR SHIPMATE IS GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD. AND YOU?

- HONEY? THIS IS VINCE.

- VINCE, HOW DO YOU DO?
MAURICIO.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HIS WIFE, EILEEN.

- HI, EILEEN. HOW ARE YOU?

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- IS THAT MALIBU HIGH?
- HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

HI. - LISA, MY FRIEND EILEEN.

- HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

- I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- AND VINNY.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- HEY, EVERYTHING'S GOOD.

- CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR STAR.

- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THAT'S SO AWESOME.

WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?

I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE.

- IT WAS HOT.

IT WAS 120 DEGREES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK.

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD.
- OOH, SORRY.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

- SOMETHING'S BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

- SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- HELLO. GOOD.

- AN AIR-KISS HELLO
IS A BIG STEP UP

FROM THE WHITE PARTY SHUN,

BUT SHE STILL HASN'T RSVP'D
TO MY HOUSEWARMING PARTY,

BUT I'M HOPEFUL.

- I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE
INVITED ME.

THAT'S SUCH A SPECIAL DAY.

- OH, I DIDN'T INVITE ANYBODY.

- YOU INVITED LISA.

- LISA VANDERPUMP INVITED ME
TO COME DOWN.

SHE WAS HONORED WITH A STAR ON
THE PALM SPRINGS WALK OF FAME.

- LISA CELEBRATED
DAVID'S, YOU KNOW, STAR

ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME.

- WHOO!

[cheers and applause]

- WOW.

- I KIND OF EXPECTED
THAT SHE WOULD INVITE US

TO HER STAR IN PALM SPRINGS.

KIND OF WAS HURTFUL.

THAT'S IMPORTANT.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR,
HONEY.

- ANYWAY, LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT THAT.

LET'S TALK...
- WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT.

IT'S STUFF YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT.

- IF IT'S ALL GOOD,
I'M GOING TO GET A DRINK.

- OKAY, GET A DRINK.

SHE'S ALWAYS SAYING
SHE WANTS TO MOVE ON,

BUT, YOU KNOW, BY NOT INVITING
US TO THE STAR,

IT MEANS LIKE SHE'S REALLY NOT
MOVING ON.

- COMING UP...

- WELL, YOU'RE COMING
TO THE HOUSEWARMING.

- LOOK, I LOVED CALABASAS
WHEN I LIVED HERE.

- I DID NOT.

- BRANDI, I READ YOUR BOOK.

YOU LIKED IT
WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED.

[laughter]

- FOR A HOT SECOND!

- I'M DEFINITELY MORE
OF AN OBSERVER

WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING
TO KNOW NEW PEOPLE,

SO I KIND OF SIT BACK AND JUST
LET PEOPLE REVEAL WHO THEY ARE.

- I'M TALKING BEFORE
THE VAGINA SURGERY.

- OH, MY GOD!

WHAT VAGINA SURGERY?

- I HAD IT TIGHTENED.

- OH, GOOD FOR YOU.

"OH, NICE TO MEET YOU

AND YOUR...
NEWLY RENOVATED VAGINA."

- WHAT ABOUT YOUR VAGINA?
- IT'S TIGHT.

- WOW.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T REALLY MET
TOO MANY PEOPLE

WHO WOULD JUST INTRODUCE
THEMSELVES AND...

THEN THEY THROW OUT THEIR
VAGINA NEWS.

- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HAD SEX, THEN?

- 20 MINUTES?
- I'LL TELL YOU.

- TAKE IT TO THE BRIDE.

- OKAY.

- KILLED TWO BIRDS
WITH ONE STONE.

- WOW.

[indistinct chatter]

- HURRY IT UP, SLOWPOKE.

[laughter]

- OH, I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE
AFTER THE PHONE CALL.

- I WAS SO NERVOUS CALLING YOU.

- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

- I KEPT CALLING BACK.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS ACTUALLY
YOU ON THE PHONE.

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER GOTTEN
YOUR VOICEMAIL BEFORE.

LISA'S A VERY STUBBORN
INDIVIDUAL.

I THINK I'M ATTRACTED
TO THE CHALLENGE.

OH, THAT IS WHAT IT IS.

I WANT WHAT I CAN'T HAVE.

- BUT YOU'RE COMING
TO THE HOUSEWARMING, RIGHT?

- WELL...
- SHE HASN'T RSVP'D YET AT ALL.

- EVERY TIME BRANDI REACHES OUT,

LISA DOESN'T SEEM AS RESPONSIVE
AS I WOULD THOUGHT SHE'D BEEN.

IT'S MORE LIKE,
"MAYBE I'LL HONOR YOU,"

OR "I DON'T KNOW, DARLING.
LET ME THINK ABOUT IT."

- I TOLD HER THAT I
PROBABLY WON'T BE THERE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I PROBABLY WON'T BE THERE.

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE WAY TO GO

BEFORE I'M GONNA BE WARMING
HER HOUSE FOR HER,

OR HER SLIPPERS
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

BRANDI SHOULD UNDERSTAND
THAT NOTHING'S CHANGED.

I'M THE SAME HORRIBLE PERSON
THAT SHE WAS TALKING

AND RUNNING
TO ALL MY FRIENDS ABOUT.

WHY DOES SHE WANT ME THERE NOW?

- YOU CAN RSVP.
IT'S A PROPER THING TO DO.

- I DID TELL YOU...
I DID TELL YOU THAT I WAS

GOING TO SEE
HOW IT WENT TONIGHT,

SO DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.

- SO BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR,

AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET A YES.

- SHUT UP, YOU.
JUST BUTT OUT OF IT.

I TALKED TO HER,
AND THAT'S IT, OKAY?

- I HOPE YOU COME.
- WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.

SHALL WE? - OKAY.

- IT'S ALMOST AS IF
IT'S NOT MY HOUSE ANYMORE.

- YEAH.
- IT REALLY ISN'T.

[laughs]

- MY SISTER LIVES CLOSER
TO MY PARENTS,

SO SHE WAS ABLE TO GO DOWN
AND CLEAN OUT THE HOUSE,

AND THEY'VE ALREADY HAD
THE ESTATE SALE.

SO WE'RE GOING THROUGH
EVERYTHING

AND SEEING WHAT WE WANT TO KEEP.

[clicks tongue]

WELL...

IT SMELLS THE SAME. OHH.

- [chuckles]

- WE HAD SUCH GOOD TIMES.
THINK OF THAT.

REMEMBER, THAT WAS MY FIRST...
- OHH, YEAH.

- MODELING PICTURES?

- OH, THESE ARE GREAT.
- THOSE ARE GREAT.

THE HARDEST PART ABOUT SELLING
OUR HOME IS,

YOU'RE LETTING GO
OF YOUR MEMORIES.

- THIS IS SOMEBODY'S...
- OH, MY GOD, THIS IS...

I MADE THIS PILLOW.
- I KNOW YOU DID.

[laughs]

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO MATCH
MY COLORS.

- THAT'S YOUR CHILDHOOD.

IT'S LETTING GO
OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.

"I LIKE TO SHWHOOSH GRAPS."

- [laughing]

"I LIKE TO STEP IN MUD.
I THINK IT IS FUN.

I LIKE TO STEP IN WINE.
IT IS FINE."

- [laughing]

IS THAT THE CUTEST THING?

- WELL, THAT'S FORESHADOWING.

[laughter]

OOH. - OOH.

PLAYBOY. HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM.

- OH, MY CUTE LITTLE ROOM.

- OHH, THIS FLORAL THING.

- BYE-BYE, ROOM.
IT WAS A GOOD ROOM.

IT MADE ME A GOOD PERSON.

- IT DID.
- IT DID.

IT MADE ME A NICE PERSON.

- ISN'T THAT NICE?
- YEAH.

I'M NOT SURE THAT I EVER FELT
COMFORTABLE IN MEDFORD,

BUT MY HOME, I ALWAYS FELT
GROUNDED AND COMFORTABLE.

- OHH.
- YOU MADE ME A NICE PERSON.

- I KNOW IT. MY GOSH.

- IT'S JUST A WEIRD FEELING
TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

IT'S...

I KNOW IT'S JUST A THING,

BUT IT IS FILLED
WITH SO MANY MEMORIES.

IT'S JUST... SAD.

- I'M GOING TO MISS THE HOUSE.
- YEAH.

- BYE, MY HOUSE.

- LET'S GET YOUR STUFF.
HERE'S MY PURSE.

- OHH, I CAN'T IMAGINE I'M NOT
GONNA BE SEEING IT AGAIN.

[inhales sharply]

[voice breaks] OH, DEAR.

[chuckling]

- WE'RE GOOD.
- MM.

LET SOMEBODY ELSE HAVE
THIS NICE HOUSE.

- RIGHT.

- WHEW.

- WHAT I'M REALLY REALIZING IS,

I'M NOW THE ADULT.

AND I NOW AM TAKING CARE
OF MY PARENTS.

YOU DON'T PREPARE FOR THAT.

YOU'RE NEVER READY FOR IT.

- LET'S GO.
- OKAY.

[sighs] OH, DEAR.

[gentle jingling]

- [groans]

- BY THE WAY, OBSESSED WITH DAYS
OF OUR LIVES FOR A LONG TIME.

- OH, MY GOD.
- NO, I REALLY...

MARLENA, JOHN BLACK... [stammers]

- JOHN BLACK.

- NO, LIKE, I KNOW THAT LISA
RINNA, SHE CAME ON AS BILLIE.

I HAD TO STOP WATCHING, 'CAUSE
SHE WASN'T THE REAL BILLIE,

'CAUSE THE REAL BILLIE
WENT AWAY.

- I THOUGHT SHE WAS
THE REAL BILLIE?

- MM-MM.
- WHO WAS THE REAL BILLIE?

- WHAT'S HER NAME?

THE GIRL THAT WAS DATING
GEORGE CLOONEY.

KRISTA... KRISTA ALLEN.

- LISA WAS BEFORE KRISTA.

- REALLY?
- YES.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- NOT NECESSARILY.

- NO, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE RIGHT.

- [laughs]

I'M GONNA SAY
THAT LISA WAS THE REAL BILLIE.

- I'M GONNA CALL BULL[bleep]
ON THAT.

- OH.

I HAVE EXPERIENCED FANS BEING
VERY ENTHUSIASTIC, LET'S SAY.

BRANDI IS KIND OF BORDERING
ON SUPER FANDOM.

BUT I WAS THERE.
- OKAY, I KNOW YOU WERE...

- YOU'RE AT HOME WATCHING TV,

BUT I WAS ACTUALLY THERE
SHOOTING THAT SHOW.

- BUT I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.
I WILL PUT $100 ON IT.

- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT.

- 100 BUCKS.
- CHEERS?

- ARE YOU GUYS...
YOU'RE BETTING ON WHAT?

- [bleep].

[laughter]

- DINNER IS SERVED!

[indistinct chatter]

- DELICIOUS.

- WHERE'S DAVID? WORKING?

- HE'S IN STUDIO STILL.

HE SAID HE MIGHT TRY,

BUT HE SAID HE WAS GONNA CALL
WHEN HE'S DONE.

- SO SPAIN WAS GREAT?
- OH, MY GOD, BRANDI.

IT WAS... IT WAS... IT WAS
THE BEST TRIP I HAVE HAD.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

EVEN MY KIDS SAID,

WE JUST ALL RELAXED, CHILLED,
AND HAD A GOOD TIME.

- THAT'S INCREDIBLE,
BECAUSE IT'S HARD

TO GET EVERYONE TO RELAX
ON A TRIP.

- YES.

- WE WENT TO TURKEY THIS SUMMER
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TEN YEARS,

AND IT WAS... I LOVED IT.

AND IT WAS GREAT, BECAUSE WE DO,
YOU KNOW, THE AMALFI COAST,

YOU KNOW, THAT WHOLE THING,
EVERY SUMMER,

AND IT'S LIKE... IT GETS OLD.

YOU KNOW, IT BECOMES SUCH A...
IT BECOMES A JOB.

- IF GOING TO THE AMALFI COAST
IS A BORING JOB,

I'LL TAKE THAT JOB ANY DAY.

- SO... WELL, YOUR BROTHER'S
A TENNIS PRO?

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

- WELL, THEY ALL... THEY ALL WERE
AMAZING ON THE COURT.

- SO WHAT WAS THE PART, KIM,
THAT NELS PLAYED,

HIS BROTHER, IN MAGNUM, P.I.?

- MY MOM ALWAYS SAYS IF THEY ASK
YOU IF YOU CAN DO SOMETHING,

YOU ALWAYS SAY... YOU KNOW THIS...
"CAN YOU DO IT?"

ABSOLUTELY!

SO I GO IN, AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"CAN YOU PLAY TENNIS?"

AND I'M LIKE...
"ABSOLUTELY. FOR SURE."

SO I GET THE JOB,
AND I'M READING IT,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN...

I SEE I'M A TENNIS PRO.

AND I'M LIKE, "UGH!"

COULD I REALLY PLAY? NO!

I THINK I'D HIT THE BALL
A FEW TIMES

WITH MY FIRST BOYFRIEND, LANCE.

WE USED TO PLAY UP
AT CHARLESTON HESTON'S HOUSE...

OCCASIONALLY.

SO I GET THERE,
AND THE FIRST THING IS,

TOM SELLECK WALKS OVER
AND HE'S LIKE, "UH!"

AND I SAID, "CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?

I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO PLAY TENNIS."

AND HE GOES...

"NO PROBLEM.

NELS! WHERE ARE YA?"

- OH, REALLY?

- AND YOUR BROTHER COMES OUT,

AND HE INTRODUCES HIM TO ME,

AND HE GOES, "TEACH THIS GIRL
HOW TO PLAY TENNIS."

- AND YOU PULLED IT OFF.
- I DID.

HE MADE LOOK LIKE
A TRUE PROFESSIONAL.

WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.

- I DON'T KNOW
OF ONE SINGLE ACTOR

THAT HASN'T LIED TO GET A JOB.

I LIED WHEN I WAS UP FOR...

I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY A LEADER
OF A MOTORCYCLE GANG.

- ONCE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
I WAS UP FOR THE PART OF A NERD.

- I LIED AND SAID I COULD RIDE
A MOTORCYCLE.

- MY MOM HAD ME WEAR
MY GRANDFATHER'S GLASSES

AND MADE ME PRETEND
THEY WERE MINE.

- I POPPED THE CLUTCH,

AND THEN THE BIKE FLEW UP
IN THE AIR,

AND I HIT THE GROUND.

THE BIKE LANDED ON ME,

AND SOME HOMELESS GUY
RAN OVER TO ME

WITH, LIKE, A DIRTY BANDANA...
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT WAS...

HE SPIT ON IT AND HE WIPED
THE DIRT OFF MY FACE.

I HAD BLOOD ALL OVER.

- THE CASTING DIRECTOR SAID,

"HONEY,
ARE THOSE GLASSES YOURS?"

AND I SAID, "YES?"

- THEY HAD TO PASTE MY HAIR
OVER MY CHEEK

TO CONCEAL THE SCRAPE MARKS.

- I DID NOT GET THAT PART.

- I WAS THE BOMB OUT THERE
IN THAT COURT.

- [laughs]

- COMING UP...

- I'M NOT CRYING.
DON'T THINK I'M CRYING.

- NO, YOU NEVER CRY.
- YEAH, RIGHT.

REMEMBER PUERTO RICO?

- BYE. NICE TO SEE EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT, GUYS. LOVE YOU ALL.

- ARE YOU LEAVING, YOLANDA?
- YEAH.

AND THANK YOU. NICE SEEING YOU.

[laughter]

- GONNA MISS YOU. VERY NICE.

- IT WAS FUN; I LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU AGAIN.

- DEFINITELY.

- COME ON.
COME ON. COME ON, PUMPKIN.

COME ON. OKAY, GIVE UP.

- HAVE SOMETHING TO DRINK
WITH US.

- NO, I'M NOT GONNA HAVE
ANOTHER DRINK.

- LOOK, HE'S TRYING TO GET AWAY
FROM ME.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I SEE THEM,
I GET TEARY.

WHEN I SEE KEN, I'M LIKE,
"REMEMBER ME?

WE LOVED EACH OTHER."

BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME TIME.

HE'S RUNNING. AH! AH!

NO, HE REALLY IS.

HE'S ACTUALLY REALLY...
MY CHAIR'S MOVING.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?
- HAVE TO GO RELIEVE ROCIO.

IF YOU WANT TO COME WITH US.

- NO, NO, NO. I'M TIRED.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.

- ARE YOU GONNA...
ARE YOU GONNA KISS ME?

- GOOD NIGHT, MY BROTHER.
- SEE YOU LATER.

- ALL RIGHT.
- THANKS.

- SO...
- THANK YOU FOR COMING.

GOOD TO SEE YOU. - [chuckles]

OH! AH! AH! I LIKE IT.

- I GOT TO TAKE OFF
MY SHOE-SHOES.

- GOOD SEEING YOU.
- [groans]

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M THANKING YOU.

- DID MICHELLE LEAVE TOO?
- NO, THEY'RE HERE.

[indistinct chatter]

- I JUST WANT TO SAY, I HOPE...

I KNOW YOU ARE NOT PLANNING
ON COMING FRIDAY,

BUT I'D REALLY LOVE
FOR YOU TO BE THERE, SO...

- I'M NOT CRYING.
DON'T THINK I'M CRYING.

- WHAT...
- WHEN I WAS WIPING MY EYES.

I'M NOT CRYING.
- NO. YOU NEVER CRY.

- OH, NEVER. YEAH, RIGHT.

REMEMBER PUERTO RICO?

- I DO. I CRIED A LOT.

- BYE, GUYS.

- I HOPE YOU GUYS CAN COME
ON FRIDAY.

- WE'LL TRY. HOW'S THAT?
- THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

I'D REALLY LOVE TO HAVE
YOU GUYS.

MY PARENTS ARE COMING.
THEY WANT TO SEE YOU.

LIKE, WHATEVER.

LIKE, I'M NOT GONNA [bleep] KISS
HER ASS FOREVER.

[sighs]

THEY LEFT. - THEY DID?

- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED
IN THERE.

- THE ONLY THING THAT LISA
HOLDS ONTO MORE THAN GIGGY

IS A GRUDGE.

GOOD LUCK, BRANDI.

MAYBE SHE'S OVERLY SENSITIVE
ABOUT...

- EVERYTHING?
- GETTING INTO ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST... YEAH.

- SO SHE SAID SHE MIGHT COME
ON FRIDAY?

- IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.

MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE
AROUND LISA VANDERPUMP.

- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- TODAY ON
ACCESS HOLLYWOOD LIVE,

LOOK WHO I HAVE...
LISA RINNA IS HERE.

YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

WHOO!

[cheers and applause]

- SO WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT I'M
GONNA ACTUALLY GO IN THE WATER?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? - 50/50.

- AH!

- DO YOU THINK THAT YOU WANT
TO GO TO LUNCH TOMORROW WITH ME?

- WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

- DO YOU WANT ME
TO EAT YOUR PUSSY?

[chortles]

- OH.

- CUNNILINGUS.
- OH, I HATE THAT WORD.

- COON-ILINGUS?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHINESE TO ME.

IS IT A VEGETABLE?

- WE ALL LOVE HER,
BUT WE'VE ALL MOVED ON FROM IT,

- WELL, "LOVE" IS A BIG WORD.

- IT'S A FOUR-LETTER WORD,
MUCH LIKE [bleep].

- OHH.

- IS LISA COMING?
- I DON'T THINK SHE IS.

- TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,

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