The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Star Sighting - full transcript

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- EILEEN, HOW ARE YOU?

EILEEN AND I
HAVE ALWAYS CONNECTED

BECAUSE I THINK WE BOTH RESPECT
EACH OTHER'S HUSTLE.

ARE YOU GOING BACK
TO YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS?

- I'M GOING BACK TO
YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.

- I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

- WE JUST FOUND OUT TODAY.

IT'S NOT JUST LUNG CANCER
ANYMORE.

WE'VE JUST DONE EVERYTHING
WE CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT MONTY

IS STRONG ENOUGH
FOR BROOKE'S WEDDING.



- OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

- [sniffles]

- YOU'RE GONNA GET A STAR
IN PALM SPRINGS?

- YES. YES.

- THAT'S FABULOUS.

- COME WITH ME.

All: WHOO!

[phone ringing]

[background chatter]

- HELLO?

DAVID TOLD ME THAT BELLA
HAD GOTTEN A DUI.

I ALREADY LOST MY DAD
IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

LIKE, I CAN'T... I CAN'T EVEN...

THAT'S SUCH BAD JUDGMENT
TO GET INTO A CAR.



THAT WORRIES ME THE MOST.

- YOLANDA?

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

[dramatic music]

- THROW ME TO THE WOLVES, AND I
SHALL RETURN LEADING THE PACK.

- CHARACTER ISN'T WHAT YOU HAVE,
IT'S WHO YOU ARE.

- YOU'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT ME,

BUT IT'S ONLY TRUE
WHEN IT COMES FROM MY LIPS.

- I'M NOT A BITCH,
BUT I'VE PLAYED ONE ON TV.

- I'VE BEEN RICH,
AND I'VE BEEN FAMOUS,

BUT HAPPINESS BEATS THEM BOTH.

- I'D RATHER SPEND MY LIFE
KICKING ASS THAN KISSING IT.

- PLANES AND YACHTS ARE NICE,
BUT MY HAPPINESS STARTS AT HOME.

THERE HE GOES, PORTIA.
THERE GOES YOUR DADDY.

YOUR DADDY'S A GOOD SKIER.
HE CAN GO ON ONE SKI.

YOU WANT TO TRY THAT?

- NOT TODAY.

- NOT TODAY, HUH?

I KNEW THAT SOMETHING
WAS WRONG WITH YOLANDA.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

WHEN I WENT TO HER ROOM,

SHE WAS ON THE PHONE
WITH DAVID...

- OKAY, BYE.

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

WHO WAS TELLING HER THAT BELLA
HAD BEEN ARRESTED WITH A DUI.

I KNOW THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO
OR SAY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER,

BUT I KNOW THAT SHE HAS BEEN

TEXTING AND GETTING UPDATES
FROM DAVID AND MOHAMED.

- ALL I KNOW IS THAT I NEED
TO GET HOME AS FAST AS I CAN,

AND THERE IS NO FLIGHT
UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING.

BELLA WAS AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE,
AT THE BEACH HOUSE.

IT'S SUMMER.
THAT'S WHAT KIDS DO.

THEY... YOU KNOW,
SHE HAD A GLASS OF WINE

AND DECIDED TO GO TO THE GAS
STATION AND GOT STOPPED,

AND DAVID WAS CALLED WITH BELLA
ASKING HIM TO PICK HER UP.

BELLA HAS BEEN VERY MATURE
SINCE THE DAY SHE WAS BORN,

BUT SHE'S AN EXTRAORDINARY
PERSON THAT MADE A MISTAKE.

AND... [sniffles]

MY CHILDREN KNOW
THAT I LOST MY DAD

IN A CAR ACCIDENT, YOU KNOW,
SO IT'S JUST...

IT'S A DOUBLE WHAMMY.

IT'S A DOUBLE FEAR
THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

[sniffles]
IT MADE ME JUST SCARED,

AND I'M JUST...

I'M MORE WORRIED NOW
TO LET HER GO THIS SUMMER.

I'M NOT IN CHARGE ANYMORE OF
HER DESTINY AND HER LIFE.

I'M JUST HER MOM.

[whistling]

- HEY.
- HI, HONEY.

WHAT KIND OF TEA DID YOU WANT?
HOW ABOUT THE SUPER ANTIOXIDANT?

WHAT TIME DID YOU GUYS
GO TO BED LAST NIGHT?

- LIKE, 11:30?

PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WITH HIM,
IT WAS REALLY FUN.

IT WAS LIKE THE OLD DAYS,

EXCEPT THAT HE ACTUALLY
GETS TO PLAY THIS TIME,

INSTEAD OF JUST LETTING ME PLAY.

BUT NOW THE STUDENT
HAS SURPASSED THE MASTER,

'CAUSE HE'S WAY BETTER AT IT
THAN I AM.

- ANNAMARIE'S MY SISTER
CONNIE'S DAUGHTER,

AND SHE LIVED WITH US
FOR THREE YEARS AS OUR NANNY.

OH, THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME CRY.

SHE'S MY DAUGHTER I NEVER HAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK OF YOU.

I NEED HELP WITH MY LINES.

SO CAN YOU RUN WITH ME
LIKE WE USED TO DO? PLEASE?

- OH, LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS?
- YES.

- I THINK I STILL GOT IT.

- A YEAR AGO, WHEN I TOLD VINCE
I WANTED TO QUIT WORKING,

HE WAS LIKE, "GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT."

AND THEN I TOOK THE TIME OFF,

AND WE FOUGHT A LOT MORE,
ACTUALLY.

WE DID FIGHT.

BECAUSE YOU START WONDERING
ABOUT MONEY

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN THERE
BECAME, LIKE, MONEY ISSUES,

WHICH WE'D REALLY NEVER
HAD BEFORE

'CAUSE I WAS CONTRIBUTING.

AND THEN WHEN I DECIDED
TO GO BACK TO WORK, HE WAS LIKE,

"WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO, HONEY,

"BUT THAT SOUNDS
LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

"BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

BUT WHAT A GREAT IDEA."

ANYWAY, IT'S GOOD.

NO, YOU SIT OVER THERE.
I'VE GOT TO SIT ON MY SIDE.

- OH, I'M SORRY, YOUR SIDE.

- SORRY.
- WOW. WELL, I CAN BE

ON THE ANY SIDE, THAT'S FINE.

- I HAVE MY OWN LITTLE...
- WOULD YOU LIKE ME...

CAN I JUST HOLD IT WHILE WE...
- THING. SURE.

IT'S HEAVY, RIGHT?
BEING NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY

IS JUST FANTASTIC, TO GET
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT LIKE THAT.

[softly] HE WAS ALL OVER ME.

HE WAS EVERYWHERE.

WINNING IS, UM...
SLIGHTLY BETTER.

[chuckles]

I FORGOT TO GET THE PLAQUE
FOR IT.

- OH, LIKE... WE'LL JUST, LIKE,
STEAL IT FROM SOMEBODY ELSE?

- YES, EXACTLY.
- LIKE, "SORRY, ELLEN.

THIS IS MINE." WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT... WHAT ARE WE DOING?
- OH, ASHLEY HAS

A FABULOUS NEW PRODUCT
THAT SHE'S INVENTED,

SO SHE'S GONNA HIRE THIS GUY,
STITCH,

THAT'S GOT A DUBIOUS BACKGROUND.
OKAY, WAIT.

- STITCH, THE MAN
WITH A DUBIOUS BACKGROUND.

- AND HE'S CALLED STITCH
BECAUSE HE'S A DOCTOR.

OKAY. ABBY,
WE'RE REPRESENTING JABOT NOW.

YOU CAN'T THROW ACCUSATIONS
AROUND LIKE THAT.

- IT'S ONLY SLANDER
IF IT ISN'T TRUE.

- LET ME HANDLE THIS.
THIS SAYS "BEN RUSSELL,"

BUT I'VE ALWAYS
KNOWN YOU AS BEN RAYBURN.

- DUN DUN DUN...
- DON'T DO THAT.

- SOAP OPERA FACE. I'M SORRY.

- THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A SOAP OPERA FACE.

- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE.
- THANK GOD.

EVERY DAY, I WILL HAVE ANYWHERE
FROM 40, 50, 60, 70,

80 PAGES OF DIALOGUE
TO MEMORIZE.

THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN MY BRAIN
FOR ANY MORE INFORMATION.

IT'S JUST LIKE...
[crunching sounds]

- OKAY. BECAUSE HE STOLE
A DEAD PERSON'S IDENTITY

AFTER HE GOT OUT OF PRISON.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO START OVER
THAN COMMITTING ANOTHER CRIME?

- I FEEL VERY FORTUNATE TO BE
ON A BEAUTIFUL TRIP LIKE THIS.

READY FOR DINNER? - I AM.

- LET'S GO FOR DINNER.

- WHERE ARE MY KIDS?

ALEXIA, THAT'S A PRETTY DRESS.

WE HAVE SOME STEAKS
COMING TONIGHT, SOME BEEF.

SO YOLANDA,
YOU READY TO HEAD BACK HOME?

- I CAN'T WAIT.

- MAURICIO AND I ARE JUST TRYING
TO PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

AND KIND OF DISTRACT YOLANDA

UNTIL SHE CAN GET OFF THE BOAT
AND GET HOME TO BELLA.

- THERE'S JUST NOTHING
LIKE HOME.

- YOU KNOW, IF I HAD MY KIDS
HERE, IT'D BE DIFFERENT.

- DIFFERENT STORY, FOR SURE.

- I'M JUST TRYING
TO KEEP IT TOGETHER

AND NOT HAVE A TOTAL
BLOWN-OUT, YOU KNOW, MELTDOWN.

OH, THANK YOU.

- OH, WOW.
- I'M SO HAPPY.

I CAN'T DO THAT IN FRONT
OF KYLE AND THE CHILDREN.

YOU KNOW, I'M ON THEIR BOAT
IN THEIR ENVIRONMENT

WITH THEIR FAMILY,

AND I JUST GOT THE WORST NEWS
ABOUT MY OWN CHILD,

AND IT'S...
IT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING.

YOU GUYS LIKED THE CATHEDRAL
TODAY?

- YEAH.
- BEAUTIFUL.

- AMAZING, RIGHT?

- WHEN WE DO OUR TRIPS,

I DO A DIFFERENT PLACE
EVERY TIME 'CAUSE I WANT MY...

- YEAH.
- I WANT MY CHILDREN

TO SEE EVERYTHING.
IT'S SCARY BEING A PARENT.

YOU THINK, "OH,
I'VE SET THE BEST EXAMPLE.

I'VE TAUGHT THEM EVERYTHING."

BUT, YOU KNOW,

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS
BE THERE WITH THEM.

- CHEERS, GUYS.
- CHEERS.

- CAN I MAKE A TOAST?
THANK YOU GUYS FOR HAVING ME.

- CHEERS.
- CHEERS TO YOLANDA.

- IT'S A PLEASURE.
- CHEERS TO YOLANDA.

[glasses clinking]

- MAGDELENA?

- YES, LISA?

- DID YOU WASH GIGGY'S SUIT?

WHY IS HE LIKE THAT?

DID YOU WASH HIM?

HE... YOU WASHED HIM?

- YE... YEAH.
- OKAY.

OH, I MEANT WASH HIS SUIT.

[Giggy whimpers]
- THE TEETH, TOO.

- OKAY.
- MM-HMM.

- OKAY, THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- YOU DIDN'T NEED A BATH,
DID YOU, YOU SILLY BOY?

I BETTER NEVER ASK HER
TO WASH KEN'S CLOTHES.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER WALK IN

WITH KEN IN A TOWEL NAKED,
THAT'S FOR SURE.

GIMME YOUR LITTLE HEAD.

THAT FEELS BETTER, DOESN'T IT?

POOR LITTLE MAN.

I HAVE BEEN SELECTED
TO RECEIVE A STAR

ON THE WALK OF STARS
IN PALM SPRINGS.

SO WHERE WOULD IT BE HERE?

- I WOULD SUGGEST RIGHT
BY SONNY ON EITHER SIDE.

YOU'LL BE IN WONDERFUL
COMPANY HERE.

NANCY SINATRA IS RIGHT THERE.

DEBBIE REYNOLDS IS RIGHT HERE.

- YOU'RE COMING TO PALM SPRINGS.

YOU DESERVE A STAR
WAY MORE THAN I DO.

- LET'S SEE. WHAT DO I NEED?

AY-YI-YI. IT'S GONNA BE HOT.

DELILAH?

IS THIS YOUR T-SHIRT,
OR IS THIS MINE?

- I MEAN, I'LL HAVE IT.
Both: [chuckling]

- NO, BUT I...
- IT'S A LITTLE BIG.

IT COULD BE ONE OF MY FRIEND'S.

- I LIKE IT. I'M GONNA KEEP IT.

I AM MISSING
MY BLACK STRAPLESS BRA.

- I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
- WOULD YOU PLEASE

GET IT FOR ME? THANK YOU.

I'M TOUCHED THAT LISA
INVITED ME TO THE STAR UNVEILING

IN PALM SPRINGS. DELILAH?

I JUST WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS A CHEERLEADER
IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I WAS A DARN GOOD ONE.

- THIS ONE?

- YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SHE NEEDS TO EMBRACE THIS.

IT'S FUN. IT'S KITSCHY.

IT'S FABULOUS. I MEAN, COME ON.

THANK YOU FOR FINDING MY BRA.

I DON'T THINK
I EVER WOULD HAVE FOUND IT.

I WANT MY OWN STAR ON
THE PALM SPRINGS WALK OF FAME.

[chuckles]

I THINK I'M GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW.

- COME ON.
- COMING, DARLING.

I'M JUST BRINGING
ALL YOUR BLOODY BAGS.

ALL... ALL FIVE OF THEM.

DARLING, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
IN THESE BAGS, FOR GOD'S SAKE?

- OH, STOP IT.
- THEY'RE SO HEAVY.

- YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'VE GOT
IN THOSE BAGS.

IT'S NOTHING.

- JESUS CHRIST.

TELL MAGDELENA AND MARIA
TO LOOK AFTER THE KIDS.

- SEE, NOW, DARLING,
I WOULDN'T LEAVE YOU BEHIND.

- THANKS.
- IT'S GOING TO BE

115 DEGREES IN PALM SPRINGS.

DRIVE SAFELY, ROCED.

I SHOULD PROBABLY GO DOWN
IN A STRING BIKINI,

BUT I WOULDN'T BE GETTING
AN AWARD FOR ANYTHING

IF I TURNED UP IN A BIKINI,
THAT'S FOR SURE.

[goose honking]

- NO BITING. NO BITING.

- HE WAS GIVING YOU A PECK.
THAT WAS A KISS.

[goose honks]
- OH, JESUS CHRIST.

- COMING UP...

- I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE KNOT
IN MY STOMACH

BECAUSE IT JUST THREW ME OFF.

- IT WAS A TRAGIC MISTAKE.

- WHOO!

- JESSE, I'M GONNA
MAKE YOU A SHAKE.

- WHAT?
- I'M MAKING YOU A SHAKE.

- 'KAY.
- HI, HONEY.

- I WAS MAKING A SHAKE
FOR JESSE; I GOT TO GO.

I'M REALLY RUNNING LATE.
- OKAY, YOU GO.

I'M GONNA GO, TOO.
I'M GONNA TAKE DUKE TO...

- OKAY.
- DROP OFF HIS BOOKS,

THEN I'VE GOT
THAT LAWYER MEETING.

[blender whirring]

- ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO GO
TO THAT LAWYER MEETING.

[blender whirring]
THAT'S AN AWFUL SOUND.

THAT'S THE WORST SOUND
IN THE WORLD.

JUST AWFUL.

EXCITED TO GO BACK?
- YEAH, I HOPE I GET TO SEE

EVERYBODY... IT SHOULD BE FUN.
- OKAY. BYE-BYE.

- BYE.
- LOVE YOU.

- LOVE YOU, TOO.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- OKAY.

ONE OF THE BEST THINGS
ABOUT BEING ON A SOAP OPERA

IS THAT YOU CAN BRING YOUR CHILD
TO WORK WITH YOU.

READY? - YEAH.

- OKAY. I WENT BACK TO WORK

WHEN JESSE WAS TWO MONTHS OLD,

AND HE WAS WITH ME
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

HE CRAWLED FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

SO I DIDN'T MISS
ANY OF THOSE MILESTONES.

YOU KNOW ANNAMARIE'S
COMING TO WORK, RIGHT?

- WAIT, ANNAMARIE'S GOING TO
THE GROVE AND TAKING ME OVER?

- IT'S FUN TO BE BACK HERE, HUH?

- YEAH.
- REMEMBER YOU USED TO COME HERE

AND RIDE AROUND
IN YOUR LITTLE BABY THING

WITH THE ROLLERS,
LITTLE WHEELS ON IT?

AND YOU'D SCOOT ALL DOWN
THE STUDIO, LIKE, REALLY FAR.

- MM-HMM. YEAH, I GUE...
- WHAT A GREAT PLAYGROUND.

JESSE GREW UP AT CBS.

HE SPENT A LOT OF
HIS FIRST YEARS IN THE HALLWAY,

YOU KNOW, TURNING THE PRICE
IS RIGHT WHEEL AND...

IT WAS... IT WAS HIS PLAYGROUND.

- I REMEMBER THE CBS SMELL.

- THE CBS SMELL, HUH?

I REMEMBER BEING ON SET ACTING,

AND HEARING HIM CRY FAINTLY
IN MY DRESSING ROOM,

AND THEN MY MILK CAME IN ON SET.

BUT I JUST KEPT ACTING.
[chuckles]

I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS

YOU JUST DO...
WORKING MOTHER LACTATING.

- I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.

- TIRED?
- YEAH.

- I THINK IT WAS
ALL THAT MINECRAFT IN THE CAR.

- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- HEY, JESS.
- HE SAYS HE'S TIRED,

BUT HE PLAYED MINECRAFT
ON THE WAY HERE.

- OKAY, WELL,
I GUESS WE'RE NOT GONNA

DO ANYTHING FUN TODAY, THEN.

- I WAS ABLE TO HAVE
A GREAT FAMILY LIFE,

AND I'VE HAD SUCH A GREAT
CAREER, SO I'M NOT BITTER OR...

OR FEELING
LIKE I WASN'T GIVEN A SHOT.

I'M STILL GETTING MY SHOT,

SO I JUST FEEL
LIKE THERE'S A LOT TO CELEBRATE.

OKAY, GO.
- COME ON, JESSE, LET'S GO.

- BYE, GUYS. LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU, TOO.

- I'VE BEEN UP, I'VE BEEN DOWN,

AND I KNOW UP IS BETTER.

SO DO YOU THINK
THAT FANCY PARTIES...

- HI, GUYS.
- HEY, BABE.

- I THOUGHT THAT YOU'D BE
TOO BUSY TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME,

I'LL BRING THE LUNCH TO YOU.

- DO YOU NEED A HAND WITH THIS?
- NO, IT'S OKAY. I GOT IT.

- IF YOU GUYS
WANT TO DO ANOTHER VOCAL

OVER THAT LITTLE BLUES...
DID YOU RECORD THE BLUES?

- UH-HUH.
- I'M THE KIND OF PERSON...

I NEED TO DIGEST THINGS.

GOT YOU YOUR LITTLE...
- OOH, LITTLE ONIONS?

- TOMATOES, ONIONS.

AND WHEN I'M READY TO DEAL,
WHEN I UNDERSTAND IT,

I WILL HAVE A GOOD TALK
WITH BELLA.

YOU KNOW, JET LAG
IS SUCH A STRANGE THING.

YOU KNOW, GETTING
YOUR CALL WAS OBVIOUSLY...

- JUST HAD AN UNHAPPY ENDING.
- YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
WHAT A GREAT STEPDAD YOU ARE,

YOU KNOW? - OH, THANK YOU, BABE.

- AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THANK YOU,

AND I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU HOLDING THE FORT

WHEN I'M... YOU KNOW.

- IT WAS CERTAINLY NOT THE CALL
I WANTED TO GET.

NOR YOU, BUT,
YOU KNOW, WE HANDLED IT.

- WHEN I LEAVE THE HOME
AND DAVID'S HOME,

I ALWAYS FEEL 100% COMFORTABLE

THAT HE WILL DO
WHATEVER HE NEEDS TO DO AND...

AND PROTECT MY CHILDREN.

I JUST WANTED TO ACKNOWLEDGE
YOU AND MOHAMED GETTING TOGETHER

AND MAKING THE PERFECT DAD.

- YEAH, IT TAKES TWO OF US.
- YEAH.

WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S OKAY.
- IT'S OKAY.

- BUT, I JUST, UH...
- NO, WE DID,

CLEARLY... WE TALKED ABOUT IT
AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND WE DID NOT WANT YOU
TO COME HOME THAT DAY.

WE WANTED YOU TO WAIT A DAY,
BECAUSE I HONESTLY THINK

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE
IF YOU'D COME HOME THE DAY OF,

'CAUSE IT WAS JUST VERY
FRANTIC AND... YOU KNOW.

BUT IT'S PROBABLY
A LITTLE NERVE-RACKING

TO GO FROM THAT TO HER
MOVING TO NEW YORK.

- I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE KNOT
IN MY STOMACH

BECAUSE IT JUST THREW ME OFF.

- YOU KNOW, THIS IS BY NO MEANS
AN EXCUSE FOR HER,

BECAUSE IT WAS A TRAGIC MISTAKE,

OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN
A TRAGIC MISTAKE, ANYWAY.

BUT, LIKE, I ASKED DR. PHIL
ABOUT THE MIDDLE CHILD,

AND, LIKE, THERE'S REALLY
SOMETHING TO THAT.

- I DON'T THINK
THAT HAS ANYTHING

TO DO WITH WHAT HAPPENED.

THE THREE OF US,
MOHAMED, AND DAVID, AND I,

WE DON'T ALWAYS AGREE
ON PARENTING STYLES.

OKAY.

BUT WE RESPECT EACH OTHER,
AND WE WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

- NOW YOU'RE HOME.
YOU'LL DO THE RIGHT THING.

- HOLA, HOLA, HOLA, HOLA.

- OH, I THOUGHT
FOR SURE YOU WERE GONNA BE,

LIKE, ALL LIKE,
DRESSED TO THE NINE...

LOOK AT YOU; I DO HAVE HEELS.
- WELL, I'M ALWAYS SPARKLY.

- I KNOW!

- SO THAT...
THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

- I'M JUST GONNA INTRODUCE YOU,
AND THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE

THE SAME CONVERSATION
THAT WE'RE HAVING.

- SURE.
- ALL RIGHT.

HELLO, WE ARE BACK
ON BRANDI GLANVILLE UNFILTERED

WITH THE BEAUTIFUL, STUNNING
GHETTO BARBIE MISS VIVICA FOX.

I'VE BEEN DOING MY PODCAST NOW
FOR A LITTLE OVER A YEAR,

AND I FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME
I DO AN INTERVIEW,

I GET A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

YOU'RE ALWAYS PUT TOGETHER.

- I HAD TO SHOW UP FOR YOU
AND NOT LOOK RAGGEDY.

- THE BENEFITS OF MAKING
MY PODCAST FAMILY-FRIENDLY

IS THAT MORE PEOPLE
WOULD WANT TO ADVERTISE,

AND ADVERTISERS MEANS DOLLARS.

- IF YOU WANT TO DO
BRANDI GLANVILLE UNFILTERED,

YOU CAN DO THAT,
BUT THAT DOES LIMIT US

FROM A LARGE CHUNK
OF ADVERTISERS.

- FAMILY-FRIENDLY ALL DAY LONG,
BITCH.

YOU'VE BEEN IN SHOWBIZ
FOR HOW LONG?

- SINCE 1988.

I'M JUST REALLY BLESSED,

AND I KNOW WHEN TO LET GO
OF ONE CHARACTER

AND GO INTO A NEW ONE.

YOU CAN'T PLAY THE YOUNG,
HOT INGENUE CHICK FOREVER.

- WELL, YOU CAN.
- WELL...

- I MEAN, I THINK YOU MAKE 50
THE NEW 30.

- [laughing]
- SERIOUSLY!

- DID YOU HAVE FUN AT MY PARTY?

- I HAD THE BEST TIME.

- YAY.
- I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE.

- YAY.
- I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN.

THE ONLY THING
THAT SUCKED WAS THE RAIN.

- I'M LIKE,
"ARE YOU [bleep] SERIOUS?

"IT'S GONNA [bleep] RAIN
TONIGHT, MY BIRTHDAY PARTY?

[bleep] YOU."

- UH-OH.

I READ YOU JUST
GOT ANOTHER MOVIE.

- CHOCOLATE CITY.
- YES, CHOCOLATE CITY.

THAT'S AMAZING. - YES.

- I AM CAPABLE OF NOT TALKING
ABOUT VAGINA AND COCK,

BUT I ENJOY CURSING.

IT GIVES ME A LITTLE HIGH,
TO BE HONEST.

- IT'S A STRIPPER MOVIE.

- ARE YOU A STRIPPER?
- NO.

- OH, [bleep] THAT.
YOU GO TAKE IT OFF.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
LISTEN.

- DO I DROP THE F-BOMB?

YES, I DO,
AND THAT'S JUST WHO I AM.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU
IN THE ROMANCE DEPARTMENT?

20-YEAR-OLDS,
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO [bleep].

THEY DON'T HAVE... - OOH, OOH.

- THEY DON'T.
- THEY AIN'T GOT NO SKILLS?

- THEY CAN'T HAVE
A CONVERSATION... NO.

BRANDI GLANVILLE FILTERED.

I DO NOT PUT MYSELF IN [bleep]
SITUATIONS.

I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S
GONNA DOWNLOAD THAT.

I WOULDN'T.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

- YES. YOU'RE SO WELCOME.

ALL RIGHT, BYE. [kissing sounds]

- HEY.

- HI.
- YOU ALWAYS LOOK SO PRETTY.

- HI, CUTIE, HI.

- WELL, I'M IN WARDROBE NOW.

- I KNOW, BUT YOU ALWAYS, LIKE,
HAVE THE BEST CLOTHES.

- SHE COMES TO WORK LIKE THIS.

- YEAH.
- SHE DOES.

- AND THEN THEY'LL PUT ME
IN SOMETHING THAT'S,

LIKE... LIKE, YOU'RE, LIKE,

ALWAYS HOT AND THEN I'M LIKE...
- [chuckles]

YEAH, RIGHT.
- ARE YOU BACK FOR GOOD, NOW?

- I'M BACK TODAY AND TOMORROW.
- OKAY.

- AND THEN AUGUST FOR TWO DAYS,
THEN I START SEPTEMBER.

I'VE PLAYED ASHLEY ABBOTT
ON THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS

OFF AND ON FOR 17 YEARS,
AND SHE'S LIKE AN OLD FRIEND.

- ARE YOU STILL DOING DAYS
AND THIS?

- NO, I JUST STARTED AIRING
ON DAYS YESTERDAY, THOUGH.

AND ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES,

THAT CHARACTER'S DONE
FAR MORE CRAZY THINGS.

SHE RAPED A PRIEST.

NOT ONE OF MY FINEST MOMENTS.

- ARE YOU CAUSING TROUBLE
OVER THERE?

- I AM.
- DID YOU KILL ANYONE?

- NO. NOT YET.

- [chuckles]

- PIPE DOWN, EVERYBODY.

REHEARSAL IN FIVE, FOUR,
THREE, TWO.

- YOU KNOW, THE ONLY THING
I'M INTERESTED IN IS MAKING SURE

THERE'S LOTS OF CHEMISTRY.

- RIGHT. YES.
- [murmurs.

I LOVE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING.

BASICALLY,
I GET PAID TO PRETEND.

IT'S JUST CRAZY.

AND I'M MAKING OUT
WITH SOME GUY IN THE SHOWER.

THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE SOMETIMES,
BUT PART OF THE JOB.

- ALL RIGHT,
SO AM I STILL HIRED,

OR DID ABBY TALK YOU OUT OF IT?

- I... I MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.

- WELL, GREAT. WHEN DO WE START?

- I JUST CAME OUT OF PLAYING
REALLY HEAVY DRAMA

ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES,
SO IT'S KIND OF NICE

TO CRUISE A LITTLE BIT ON
THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.

I MEAN, A LOVE TRIANGLE IS KIND
OF THE CLASSIC SOAP OPERA THING,

AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY
HAVE IN STORE FOR ASHLEY.

WELCOME TO JABOT.

- THANK YOU.
- BYE.

I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LOVE
A GOOD LOVE TRIANGLE?

YAY.

- LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

- COMING UP...

- ARE YOU FULL BRAZILIAN?

- NO, I'VE GOT IT DOWN TO
MY KNEES, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

[laughter]

- "I'VE GOT IT DOWN
TO MY KNEES."

- OH, MY GOD!

- SO I HAD THIS THING
PLANNED FOR YOU.

- WHAT IS IT?
- I'M GONNA SHOW YOU.

- I'M EXCITED.

- HAMMER & NAILS.
IT'S A NAIL SHOP FOR GUYS.

- ALL RIGHT.
- [chuckles]

RIGHT?

- YOU'RE ALWAYS FULL
OF SURPRISES.

- LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

- KIM, THIS IS YOUR SEAT
RIGHT HERE.

- THANK YOU.

MONTY AND I WERE MARRIED
2 1/2 YEARS.

WE WERE KIDS, YOU KNOW?

REALLY. WELL, I WAS.

ROBBING THE CRADLE, MONTY.
[laughs]

I'M JUST JOKING.

- HI, I'M NATASHA.
- HEY.

- I'LL BE DOING YOUR PEDICURE.
- NATASHA, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M MONTY, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU, MONTY.

- AND WE HAD BROOKE.

BUT I MARRIED MY BEST FRIEND,
AND IT MADE ME...

WE GOT CONFUSED AS WHERE
THE RELATIONSHIP REALLY WAS.

SO WE GOT DIVORCED,
BUT WE LOVED EACH OTHER THEN,

AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER NOW,

AND WE'LL LOVE EACH OTHER...

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

WE'VE NEVER GOTTEN
A PEDICURE TOGETHER.

- WELL, IT'S USUALLY
I'M GOING IN WITH YOU

TO GET YOUR MANICURES
AND PEDICURES AND WATCHING YOU.

- RIGHT?

I'VE KNOWN THIS MAN
SINCE I'M JUST 19 YEARS OLD.

- THAT'S A LONG TIME.
- RIGHT?

- BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY.
- GREAT.

- WE'D LAUGH.

WE STILL BITCH WITH EACH OTHER
JUST LIKE WE'RE STILL MARRIED.

- ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT BROOKE
GETTING MARRIED, HON?

- YEAH, I AM.

- MONTY'S BEEN ON-AND-OFF LIVING
WITH ME FOR SO MANY YEARS.

HE'LL TAKE OFF, JUST
SAY, "YOU KNOW,

I'M GONNA GO TO VEGAS
FOR A WHILE."

AND HE'LL GO, AND HE'LL BE
IN VEGAS FOR TWO WEEKS.

AND ONE DAY I'LL LOOK,

AND HE'LL BE SITTING
IN THE BACKYARD.

I'M LIKE, "HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M BACK."

YOU HAVE TO MAKE A SPEECH,
MONTY.

- I KNOW.
- IN ALL THE YEARS

I'VE KNOWN YOU, I'VE NEVER SEEN
YOU MAKE A SPEECH.

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE USUALLY TOO BUSY

DOING ALL THE TALKING
TO GET ME A WORD IN THERE.

- RIGHT?
MONTY WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER,

AND I JUST SAID I DON'T
WANT YOU LEAVING ANYMORE.

DON'T DISAPPEAR ON ME.

LIKE, I DON'T WANT YOU
GOING ANYWHERE.

I WANT YOU WITH ME ALL THE TIME.

- YOU'RE ALL DONE.

- I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

- AND THEY LOOK PERFECT.

MAYBE I'LL GO DANCING TONIGHT.

- NOT WITHOUT ME. [chuckles]

- WOW, THAT'S LIKE GETTING
INTO A SAUNA.

IS THAT HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU,
GIGS?

HELLO?

- HELLO, WELCOME HOME.

- OH, HI.

THAT BETTER BE VODKA.
- YES, IT IS.

- I'M GONNA GO TO THE BEDROOM.

COULD YOU BRING IT IN THERE?
- YES, I CAN.

- OKAY. THANK YOU.

OKAY, COME ON, GIG.

YOU CAN WALK.

COME ON.

OH, IT'S SO SWEET HERE,
ISN'T IT?

- I LOVE IT.

- OH, YES.

GOOD TO BE BACK.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE
BOUGAINVILLEA ESTATE.

IT'S LIKE A HOME AWAY FROM HOME.

DARLING, WILL YOU TAKE GIGGY OUT
FOR A WEE-WEE?

- HEY, GIG.

- WE'VE SPENT
MANY HAPPY TIMES THERE.

LOOK HOW PRETTY THAT IS.

AND I THINK TO INVITE
A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS,

IT'S JUST GONNA BE
JUST A LOVELY COUPLE OF DAYS.

- GOOD BOY, GIG.

- HELLO?

- HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.

- I CAN SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOM.
- OH, GREAT, THANK YOU.

- I DIDN'T INVITE ANY
OF THE WOMEN EXCEPT LISA RINNA

TO DRIVE DOWN TO PALM SPRINGS...
- STRAIGHT AHEAD, THIS WAY.

- BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO RUIN THIS INCREDIBLE OCCASION

BY INVITING MY FRIENDS.

IT'S NORMALLY ME
THAT'S COOKING IN THIS KITCHEN,

SO IF YOU NEED ANY HELP...

- EVERYTHING IS REVOLVING
AROUND YOU.

- DO YOU WANT A PERMANENT JOB?

HELLO. - HI.

- I'VE INVITED A COUPLE
OF MY GAY FRIENDS

JUST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN A HUGE
SUPPORTER OF THE GAY COMMUNITY,

AND IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,

AND I DON'T TAKE IT
FOR GRANTED FOR A SECOND.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- HI, DARLING.

- THERE HE IS.
- THERE HE COMES.

HAPPY LISA GETS A STAR WEEK.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

IT'S SO COOL
THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.

I'M SO HAPPY. - OH, STOP IT.

- HI!

[both giggling]

I'M ALONE. - OH, NO!

WELL, I'VE GOT LOTS
OF BEAUTIFUL BOYS FOR YOU.

- YEAH, HI.
- YOU'RE GOING TO BE

TOTALLY SAFE WITH ALL OF THEM.
- OH, TOTALLY SAFE?

- YOU DON'T HAVE
TO LOCK THE DOOR.

- HI.
- HI, I'M DEAN. HOW ARE YOU?

- THIS IS DEAN.
- HI.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

MY GOSH, GORGEOUSNESS.

- IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
PLEASURE.

- GOOD TO MEET YOU, PLEASURE.
- YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.

- COME ON, LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

- I HEARD YOU WERE IN MAJORCA.
- IT WAS AMAZING.

- I'VE BEEN THERE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- THE WATER
THERE IS SPECTACULAR.

- ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
- OH, MAN.

- YEAH.

- OH, MY GOD, I'M SO TIRED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
[grunts]

- [grunts]

- PORTIE!

YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE CAR SEAT
AND EVERYTHING.

YOU'RE SET TO GO. - YES, YES.

OH, SEATBELT, EVERYBODY.

- WELL, WHAT WAS
YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE TRIP?

- JUST BEING ON THE BOAT AND...

- CHILLING WITH THE FAMILY
TOGETHER?

I WONDER IF I'LL GET UP
TO PLAY GOLF TOMORROW.

- I WOULD SUGGEST SLEEPING

'CAUSE WE HAVE THE WEDDING
TOMORROW.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW WE'RE
GONNA KEEP OUR EYES OPEN.

PORTIA'S GONNA BE A FLOWER GIRL

WALKING DOWN THE AISLE
AT 4:00 A.M. FOR HER.

HONEY, WILL YOU CARRY PORTIA IN?

- I'D LOVE TO CARRY PORTIA IN.

- WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YEARS
FOR THIS DAY,

AND KIM GETS TO BE
THE LUCKY SISTER.

HER DAUGHTER IS WALKING
DOWN THE AISLE FIRST.

HI!

HI.

COME AND GIVE ME A KISS.

MY DOGS
ARE MY OTHER THREE DAUGHTERS.

CHLOE, DID YOU MISS US?

- YAY.
- DID YOU MISS US?

I WAS FEELING GUILTY THAT

I COULDN'T TAKE MY THREE DOGS
WITH ME TO EUROPE,

SO I HAD TO BRING THEM
A LITTLE TREAT.

- WHAT ARE ALL THESE PACKAGES
YOU GOT?

- LOOK HOW CUTE THIS IS.

OH, MY GOSH, CHLOE,
LOOK AT YOUR CHANEL DOG BOWL.

DON'T YOU LOVE
YOUR LITTLE CHANEL DOG BOWL?

"YES, I DO."

IT FEELS SO GOOD
TO BE HOME, DOESN'T IT?

- I AM SO TIRED.
- OH, MY GOD.

- [grunts]
- IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME.

- [pretend snoring] AHH!

- HEY, RIVER,
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED ON HERE.

- DARLING, YOU SIT HERE.
- OH, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

OH, MY GOD,
LOOK AT THESE FLOWERS.

- BABY, SIT THERE.

ROCIO, YOU ARE HAVING DINNER
WITH US.

ROCIO, SIT.

BUT DON'T YOU START
GIVING ME DISAPPROVING LOOKS

FOR BEHAVING BADLY. - [laughing]

ROCIO'S WORKED FOR ME FOR YEARS,

AND SHE'S BECOME A VERY SPECIAL
PART OF OUR FAMILY.

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

THAT ARE GENUINELY HAPPY
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE,

AND THAT'S NOT EASY TO FIND.

- ON THE WAY DOWN HERE MAX
PHONES UP AND SAYS, "I'M COMING,

MUM, TO THE THING TOMORROW."

- MAX SAID, "CAN I BRING
MY GIRLFRIEND AND HER MOTHER?"

I'M LIKE, "NO."

- HOW OLD IS HE NOW?

- HE'S 22.
- MAX IS 22?

- YEAH.
- AND HIS GIRLFRIEND'S 34?

- IS SHE REALLY 34?

- OH, MAYBE SHE'S 36, SORRY.

- HARRY IS 12 YEARS OLDER
THAN I AM, BUT SO WHAT?

LIFE'S TOO SHORT.

IF THEY LOVE EACH OTHER,
THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

- LET'S NOT JUDGE, BECAUSE YOU
KNOW WHAT WE'VE LEARNED BEFORE?

- THEY GO RIGHT TO IT.
- THE CHILD'S LOYALTY

IS ALWAYS TO THE PERSON
THEY'RE SLEEPING WITH,

AND NOT TO THE 20 YEARS...
- OH, GOD.

- THAT YOU PUT INTO
RAISING THEM.

SO YOU'VE JUST GOT
TO WAIT IT OUT.

I'M NOT VERY CLOSE
TO MAX'S GIRLFRIEND AT ALL,

AND I'VE KIND OF
BEEN RETICENT IN ACCEPTING HER

BECAUSE SHE'S QUITE A LOT
OLDER THAN HIM.

IT JUST SEEMED A VERY STRANGE
DYNAMIC TO ME.

BUT I REALIZED THAT'S A BATTLE
I'M NOT GOING TO WIN.

SOME NEW PARENTS
NOW NEED TO REALLY BE

PERSUADED TO LOVE THEIR CHILDREN
UNEQUIVOCALLY.

- AND I'M FROM THE MIDWEST,

AND 20 YEARS AGO WHEN I
GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL,

YOU COULDN'T COME OUT 'CAUSE YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

BUT I THINK IT'S
THE HETEROSEXUAL VOICE WHO...

YOU'RE VERY WELL LIKED,
YOU'RE VERY RESPECTED,

AND YOU STAND UP FOR US.
AND IT'S PEOPLE'S VOICES

LIKE YOU IS WHO CHANGES
PEOPLE'S LIVES.

- I HAVE A NEPHEW WHO'S GAY
THAT DIDN'T WANT TO COME OUT

UNTIL HIS GRANDMOTHER DIED
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT

TO DISAPPOINT HER, AND HE
WOULD NOT HAVE DISAPPOINTED HER.

SHE LOVED HIM, AND SHE WOULD
HAVE LOVED HIM UNEQUIVOCALLY.

BUT SO MANY PEOPLE
AREN'T LIKE THAT,

AND THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

ANYWAY, I DON'T WANT
TO MAKE IT ABOUT ME.

- TO LISA, THEN.
- TO LISA.

- CHEERS.
- NOW YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY.

- AWW.
- THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

- CHEERS. LOVE YOU.

- LISA, SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE, QUICK.

- OH, WELL, WHAT THE HELL?

YOU KNOW, WHY NOT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THIS BRAZILIAN THING.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE COMPLETELY...

- SHAVEN.
- SHAVEN.

I DON'T GET IT.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME.

- ARE YOU FULL BRAZILIAN?
- KEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- NO, I'VE GOT IT DOWN
TO MY KNEES, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

[laughter]

- "I'VE GOT IT DOWN
TO MY KNEES"!

- OH, MY GOD! [laughter]

- ROCIO, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAINTAIN.
- WELL...

- WELL, WHY... WHY IS IT
THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

I THINK BACK IN THE DAY,
IT WAS THERE TO,

LIKE, PROTECT FROM BUGS, AND...
- YEAH, BUT YOUR HAIR'S THERE.

YOU WOULDN'T LET IT
JUST GO CRAZY.

- YES!
- YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH BUGS IN HER BUSH.

- WELL, WHY WOULD WE
HAVE THAT DOWN THERE?

- DARLING, I DON'T KNOW.

- THERE WAS SOME PROTECTION
OF SOME KIND.

- I THINK WE NEED PROTECTION
STILL.

- I THINK SO, TOO.

- FROM HUSBANDS.
- YOU DON'T NEED...

- AS LONG AS I CAN HAVE A LOOK
OCCASIONALLY...

- HA HA HA.

ROCIO? WHAT DO YOU NEED?

TAKE YOUR PLATE
TO THE KITCHEN, ROCIO,

BECAUSE THERE'S TALK
ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE.

- OH. [chuckles]

- OH!

- NOW, BACK TO YOUR VAGINA.
[laughter]

- COMING UP...
- THE LADY OF THE HOUR,

LISA VANDERPUMP.
- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- HI, BRENNA. HOW ARE YOU?

- HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO SEE YOU.

- EUROPEAN, TWICE, TWO KISSES.
- YES.

MY HUSBAND LOVES WHAT HE DOES.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE
16 GRAMMYS ON THE PIANO

IF YOU DON'T LOVE WHAT YOU DO.

I HEARD THAT LUTHER VANDROSS
KIND OF SONG.

- OH, HOUSE IS NOT A HOME.

- HOUSE IS NOT A HOME.
- OH, YEAH.

- HE HOPES TO BE
AN E.G.O.T. ONE DAY.

HE'S WON THE EMMY,
HE'S WON THE GRAMMY,

HE'S WON AN OSCAR,

AND HE COULD POTENTIALLY
WIN A TONY.

- WE'RE JUST MESSING
WITH THIS BLUES SONG.

WANT TO HEAR? - YES.

[bluesy chords]

- ♪♪ MY BABY TOOK ME SHOPPING
FOR DIAMOND RINGS AND SUCH ♪♪

♪♪ NOW WHEN HE
TAKES ME SHOPPING ♪♪

♪♪ I CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH ♪♪

♪♪ LET'S TAKE A RIDE TO PARADISE
THROUGH THOSE HILLS OF BEVERLY ♪♪

♪♪ I'VE BEEN RICH
I'VE BEEN POOR ♪♪

♪♪ AND BABY RICH IS BETTER ♪♪

♪♪ I'VE UP I'VE BEEN DOWN ♪♪

♪♪ AND YOU KNOW UP IS BETTER ♪♪

- WOW, YAY. LOVE IT.
IT GIVES ME GOOSEBUMPS.

- MORNING, DARLING.
- MORNING.

- OH, HE'S UP AT LAST.
- HI, DARLING.

NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP.
THE CAR MADE IT, THEN?

- I'M TIRED.

- YOU'RE TIRED?
- I AM, YEAH.

- SO, YOU DIDN'T BRING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND HER MOTHER.

THANK YOU FOR THAT.

- WELL, YOU SAID NO.

- IT'D BE KIND OF WEIRD...
"OH, BY THE WAY, EXCUSE ME,

"I'M NEVER MET YOU BEFORE.
I'M JUST GONNA GET A STAR.

I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE."

NO, MAX, I DON'T THINK
IT'D BE QUITE RIGHT.

MAX'S GIRLFRIEND HASN'T

REALLY INTERACTED
WITH THE FAMILY THAT MUCH.

KEN'S LOOKING AT IT AND SAYING,

"WHY WOULD YOU BE WITH SOMEBODY

THAT'S 15 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU?"

I MEAN,
IF KEN WAS WITH SOMEBODY 15...

WELL, ACTUALLY,
THEY WOULDN'T BE ALIVE IF...

SOMEBODY 15 YEARS
OLDER THEN HIM.

SO HE'S NOT QUITE GETTING IT.

- GOOD MORNING.

- OH, MY GOD,
YOU GET UP LIKE THAT?

LOOK AT YOU.

- I HAVE TO SHINE
AND SPARKLE FOR YOU.

- YOU ARE THE STAR.

- GOOD MORNING.
- HEY.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- HI.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- THANK YOU FOR COMING.

OH, GIGGY IS THE LOVE
OF MY LIFE.

- I THOUGHT I WAS.

COME ON, GIG.
- WELL, YOU'RE SECOND.

- LET ME SEE HOW YOU SLEEP.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LOOK AT THIS. - LOOK AT THIS.

- YEAH, I ALWAYS DO.
- I WISH.

- HUH?
- I SLEEP IN A RATTY,

OLD T-SHIRT, POOR HARRY.

- I'M IN MY NOTRE DAME
SWEATPANTS.

- ARE YOU?
OKAY, GOOD, I'M GLAD TO HEAR.

- THIS IS EASY.
- I KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I
CAN'T GO THERE, BUT I LIKE IT.

- THERE'S MORE WORK LIKE
WITH TROUSERS AND ALL OF THOSE...

- I JUST DO A V-NECK T-SHIRT.

- WHAT, NO DRAWERS OR ANYTHING?
- DEPENDS.

- OH, I WOULDN'T DO THAT
BECAUSE NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- DEPENDS. YOU... YOU WOULD HAVE
TO HAVE DRAWERS ON.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A LONG...
- THAT'S WHY I HAVE

A LONG NIGHTDRESS.
- OTHERWISE FORGET IT.

[laughing]

I LIKE IT, THOUGH.

- BY THE TIME HE GETS THERE,
HE'S GIVEN UP.

I'M GONNA GO AND GET DRESSED.

[dog barking]

- BAMBI.

LET HER IN?

HONEY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO WEAR.

NOT THAT YOU CARE.

I... HI, GUYS.

- OF COURSE I CARE.
- YEAH, YOU DO. RIGHT.

- WHERE ARE THE BOWLS?

- WHAT KIND OF BOWL DO YOU WANT?

- JUST, LIKE, A S... A BOWL.

LIKE, A BOWL. WHERE'S A BOWL?
- A SALAD BOWL, A CEREAL BOWL?

THERE'S LOTS OF BOWLS.
- JUST A BOWL.

LIKE, A SALAD BOWL.
- A SALAD BOWL.

WELL, A SALAD BOWL'S OVER HERE.

WE JUST GOT BACK FROM SPAIN,

SO I AM BASICALLY
GOING TO A WEDDING

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING
SPAIN TIME.

WE'RE ALL EXHAUSTED,
SO THE ONLY THING

THAT IS KEEPING ME GOING
TO GET TO BROOKE'S WEDDING

IS EXCITEMENT.

OKAY, WELL, WE'RE GONNA

GO UPSTAIRS
AND START GETTING READY.

PORTIA,
I NEED TO WASH YOUR HAIR,

I NEED TO FINISH MY MAKEUP,

AND WE NEED TO PICK A DRESS
FOR YOU.

- I'M GOING.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR,
HONEY?

- WHAT'S THE DRESS CODE?

- YOU HAVE TO WEAR A SUIT
AND A TIE.

- A TIE?
- I THINK SO.

- WOULD YOU DOUBLE-CHECK?

- I'LL CALL KIM.

- MY DAUGHTER IS GOING TO MAKE
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE, AND...

- BEAUTIFUL COUPLE.
- THEY REALLY ARE.

LIKE, THEY'RE LIKE KEN
AND BARBIE.

[phone chiming]
OH, IT'S MY SISTER.

HELLO? I'M GONNA
PUT YOU ON SPEAKER, OKAY?

OKAY.

HI.

- HI. IT'S YOUR BIG DAY.

- I KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M JUST GETTING READY,
GETTING PORTIA READY.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR,
BUT WHATEVER.

I'LL FIGURE THAT OUT.

BUT WHAT... WHAT DO THE MEN WEAR?

- UM, THE MEN ARE WEARING SUITS,
AND THEN, LIKE, THE PEOPLE

THAT ARE IN THE WEDDING,
OF COURSE, ARE WEARING TUXES.

KYLE, BROOKE IS GETTING MARRIED.

- I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

- RIGHT?
- HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

- I DON'T KNOW. I...
- YEAH.

THEY'RE SO CUTE TOGETHER.
I'M SO EXCITED.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, CALL ME.

- OKAY. I LOVE YOU.

- DON'T CRY. YOU'RE GONNA RUIN
YOUR MAKEUP, AND YOUR EYES

ARE GONNA BE SWOLLEN. - I KNOW.

- MOM IS WITH YOU TODAY,
WATCHING OVER EVERYTHING,

AND DAD.

- I KNOW.
- I KNOW IT'S BROOKE'S WEDDING,

BUT IT'S ALSO KIM'S TIME
TO SHINE.

SHE'S HAPPY AND SOBER.

SHE IS THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE,

AND THIS IS HER BIG DAY.

OKAY, I LOVE YOU. GO BACK
TO DOING YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A WHILE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

- ALL RIGHT. I LOVE YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A WHILE.

- BYE.
- LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU.

- BYE.

[Portia giggles]

OKAY, YOU NEED TO WASH
YOUR HAIR, MISSY.

SO DID YOU LIKE NO NECKLACE

OR THIS NECKLACE
WITH THE DIAMOND EARRINGS?

- THAT'S MY FAVORITE NECKLACE.

CAN I HAVE THAT
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER?

- WHEN I DIE?
JUST SAY IT, ALEXIA.

- [laughing]
- YOU ALMOST JUST SAID IT...

YEAH, "CAN I HAVE THAT NECKLACE
WHEN YOU DIE?"

- DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN I MET YOU,

AND YOU WORE
THOSE GOLD GO-GO SHORTS

AND THOSE LITTLE GO-GO BOOTS
FOR, LIKE THREE YEARS?

REMEMBER... HI. - HI.

- ARE YOU READY FOR TODAY?

- YEAH. HOW ABOUT YOURSELF?

HEY.
- WELL, I'VE BEEN CRYING A LOT.

- YOU LOOK SO...
WE'VE ALREADY CRIED.

- YOU HAVE?
- YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.

- OH, RIGHT.

- YOU DO.
- TALKED TO BROOKE.

SHE'S EXCITED.
- I JUST TALKED TO HER.

I JUST... - DID YOU?

- STARTED TO CRY AGAIN, SO...

I KNOW OUR MOMS ARE...

- THEY'RE HERE WATCHING STUFF.

- SEEING MONTY ALL DRESSED
IN HIS TUX,

HE ALMOST LOOKED
LIKE WHEN WE WERE KIDS AGAIN,

WHEN WE WERE LIKE...
18, 19 YEARS OLD.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT
EVER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

- WELL, AT LEAST
IT'S THE FIRST TIME

I GIVE AWAY A BRIDE
INSTEAD OF MARRYING ONE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...
FATHER IS A GIRL'S FIRST LOVE.

- IT'S TRUE,
LIKE, MONTY WOULD COME HOME,

AND SHE'D LIGHT UP LIKE
A LITTLE CHRISTMAS TREE FOR YOU.

- MOM, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
LEAVE MY HAIR DOWN LIKE THIS,

OR DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD PUT IT UP IN A BUN?

- I THINK THE CURLS DOWN,
ACTUALLY, TODAY.

THEY LOOK REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

LEAVE THEM LIKE THAT.
- HOW COME NOT A BUN?

- I'LL DO IT.

- THANKS, SOPHIA.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- [laughing]

- WELL, THAT'S JUST GONNA
TAKE MORE TIME,

AND WE'RE RUNNING BEHIND.

[sighs]

BEING ON TIME IS VERY DIFFICULT
WHEN YOU HAVE FOUR DAUGHTERS.

DID YOU GUYS TAKE MY RAZOR?

- YEAH, I WAS JUST USING IT.
- WHERE IS IT?

- OH, I DIDN'T... I DON'T KNOW.

- I'M NOT LIKING THE WAY
MY HAIR'S TURNING OUT RIGHT NOW.

- I DON'T LIKE MY HAIR,

I DON'T LIKE MY DRESS,
MY SHOES HURT, SHE STOLE MY TOP.

WHO TOOK MY CHANEL EYELINER?

THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF
GOING ON AROUND HERE.

OKAY, GUYS,
WE REALLY HAVE TO GO.

- THANK YOU.
[cheers and applause]

HELLO, IT'S NOT THE RIGHT...

IT'S THE OTHER ONE. [laughing]

I'VE ATTENDED A COUPLE
OF CEREMONIES

ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME.

HI, GUYS.

BUT I FEEL MUCH MORE IN
MY ELEMENT

AT THE PALM SPRINGS ONE
THAN AT THE HOLLYWOOD ONE.

THOUGH I'M IN MY ELEMENT
AT THE HOLLYWOOD ONE.

I'M JUST IN MY ELEMENT.

IF THERE'S A STAR BEING
PRESENTED, I'M IN MY ELEMENT.

LET'S JUST SAY THAT.

- OH, WOW.

EVERYBODY'S WEARING PINK.

THAT IS THE CUTEST THING EVER.

OH, LORD.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME

TO THE LADY OF THE HOUR,
LISA VANDERPUMP.

- SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OH, LOOK AT YOU.

- AHH!
- THANK YOU FOR WEARING PINK.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE MAKE WELCOME, GIGGY.

[cheers and applause]

- OH, GIGGY.

- AND LISA'S HUSBAND, KEN TODD.

- IF I WAS KEN,
I'D BE LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep]?"

IT'S JUST LIKE, "THE DOG'S
INTRODUCED BEFORE ME?"

BUT I THINK IN KEN'S MIND,

HE EVEN PUTS THE LITTLE SEX
MONSTER BEFORE HIMSELF.

SO I GUESS HE'S NOT GONNA
EVEN NOTICE IT.

- GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO OUR STAR CEREMONY
THIS MORNING.

TODAY, WE'RE HERE TO HONOR NOTED
TELEVISION PERSONALITY, AUTHOR,

AND HUMANITARIAN,
LISA VANDERPUMP.

[cheers and applause]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME, MR. LANCE BASS.

- OH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY?

- HELLO, PALM SPRINGS.

[applause, shouting]

I'VE NOW OFFICIALLY DONE
A WHITE T-SHIRT CONTEST,

SO EXCUSE THE NIPPLES
COMING OUT OF IT.

I AM TRULY PROUD

AND HONORED TODAY
TO HONOR THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.

SHE HAS QUICKLY BECOME ONE
OF AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS,

BUT UNLIKE SO MANY OTHERS
IN HER POSITION,

SHE HAS USED HER PLATFORM
TO ACTIVELY SUPPORT

AND RAISE OUR COMMUNITY,
THE LGBT COMMUNITY,

WHICH IS BASICALLY KIND
OF PALM SPRINGS, TOO.

[laughter]

LISA, CONGRATULATIONS, MY LOVE.
- THANK YOU, DARLING.

- YOU'RE THE BEST.
- THANK YOU.

PALM SPRINGS HAS BEEN
VERY KIND TO ME

AND REALLY EMBRACED ME.

THIS STAR IS LIKE THE ICING
ON THE CAKE, REALLY,

AND I ACCEPT IT HUMBLY
AND WITH SUCH GRATITUDE.

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU SO MUCH.

I KNOW IT'S UNBEARABLY HOT,

AND I REALLY
APPRECIATE YOU COMING OUT.

I NEVER THOUGHT
IN MY WILDEST DREAMS

THAT I WOULD ACTUALLY EVER GET
TO LIE NEXT TO SONNY BONO,

SO THANK YOU. [laughs]

- ON THE COUNT OF THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

All: WHOO!

[overlapping chatter]

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- COMING UP...
- YOU LOOK SO GORGEOUS.

- GOD, WHAT DO I DO?
- TEARS OF JOY, BITTERSWEET.

- COME ON, ANGEL.

- OH, MY GOSH, THEY'RE
IMPOSSIBLE TO WALK IN.

- WELL, HIGH HEELS
ARE NOT EASY, GIRLS.

- THE PRICE OF BEAUTY.

- I DON'T KNOW
IF IT'S A NORMAL SISTER THING,

OR JUST MY SISTERS AND ME,

BUT IT FEELS
LIKE THIS IS OUR MOMENT.

ALEXIA, SEE HOW CUTE THIS IS?
BROOKE HOLDING THAYER.

- IT'S THE CUTEST THING EVER.

- THAT'S LIKE,
REAL SOUL MATES, RIGHT?

PORTIA, LOOK AT BROOKIE.

THEY'LL BE HUSBAND AND WIFE
IN A LITTLE BIT.

- THAT'S SO CUTE.

- ISN'T THAT CUTE?

JUST THINK,
MAYBE THERE'S SOMEONE NOW

THAT'S GONNA BE YOUR HUSBAND,
JUST LIKE THAT.

- NO. [laughter]

- WHEN ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS
GETS MARRIED,

I AM GOING TO BE SO EXCITED
AND ENJOY EVERY LITTLE MOMENT,

BUT I'M GOING
TO CRY MY EYES OUT.

I KNOW MYSELF.

- OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LOOK SO GORGEOUS.

- GOD, WHAT DO I DO?
- TEARS OF JOY, BITTERSWEET.

- OUR MOM IS NOT HERE,
SO WITH THE THREE SISTERS,

AT DIFFERENT TIMES IN OUR LIVES,

WE EACH TAKE ON THE MOTHER ROLE.

- SO LAST NIGHT
AT THE REHEARSAL DINNER,

I KEPT LOOKING AT YOU.

- I KNOW.
- BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY...

- BECAUSE YOU WERE PERFECT.

- RIGHT NOW IT'S KATHY,

SO SHE'S JUST SORT OF STEPPING
IN AND ENJOYING THIS, I THINK.

- I JUST STARTED
REMEMBERING ALL THESE THINGS,

LIKE WHEN SHE WAS FIRST BORN,
HOW LONG I WAITED FOR HER,

AND THE FIRST TIME SHE
STOOD AT THE EDGE OF THE CRIB

AND I REALIZED, LIKE,
SHE WAS STANDING ON HER OWN.

AND I'M VERY HAPPY
TO HAVE MY SISTERS WITH ME.

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT DAYS...

OF MY WHOLE LIFE.

- ARE YOU READY?
YOU CAN DO THIS.

- I'M NOT SURE...
- TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH. - OKAY.

- ON DAYS LIKE TODAY, WHEN
YOUR DAUGHTER'S GETTING MARRIED,

YOU ALL OF THE SUDDEN FLASH
BACK TO THE FIRST TIME

YOU EVER LAID EYES ON THEM,
THE FIRST TIME THEY WALK, TALK,

SAY MAMA.

AND THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN,
THEY'RE WALKING DOWN THAT AISLE,

AND YOU KNOW YOUR...

THEIR WHOLE LIFE
IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

- I SUBMIT TO YOU TODAY
TWO HEARTS SO CLOSE,

IT'S HARD TO TELL WHERE ONE ENDS
AND THE OTHER BEGINS.

SO MAKE NO MISTAKE,
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TONIGHT

NOT TO WITNESS THE BEGINNING
OF SOMETHING.

WE'RE HERE TO WITNESS SOMETHING
THAT HAS ALREADY BEGUN.

- BROOKE WAS THE FIRST TIME

I'D EVER CRIED
BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY.

- YOU TWO HAVE RINGS
FOR EACH OTHER?

- YOU HEAR THOSE WORDS,
"TEARS OF JOY."

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD
WHAT THEY MEANT

UNTIL THEY HANDED HER TO ME,
AND I CRIED BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY,

NOT BECAUSE I WAS SAD.

- I NOW DECLARE THAYER
AND BROOKE HUSBAND AND WIFE.

PLEASE SHARE A KISS.
[cheers and applause]

- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- THE HOUSE SOLD.

- YOUR HOUSE,
OR YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE?

- MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
- OH.

- LIKE, THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN.

THAT'S YOUR CHILDHOOD.

IT'S LETTING GO
OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.

- OH, DEAR.
- GOOD.

- HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO SEE YOU.
- GOOD. THANKS FOR HAVING US.

- WHEN MY FRIENDS
ARE NOT GETTING ALONG,

I WILL INVITE BOTH,

AND WHOEVER DOESN'T WANT TO COME
DOESN'T HAVE TO COME.

- I'M NOT CRYING.
DON'T THINK I'M CRYING.

- NO, BUT YOU NEVER CRY.

- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

REMEMBER PUERTO RICO?

- BRANDI SHOULD UNDERSTAND
THAT NOTHING'S CHANGED.

- MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE
AROUND LISA VANDERPUMP.