The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Livin' La Vida Housewife - full transcript

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- DAVID IS GOING TO
PICK ME UP IN HOLLAND,

AND THEN KYLE IS GONNA BE
IN MALLORCA,

SO SHE ASKED ME TO JOIN HER.

- SO I'LL TAKE CARE
OF THE HOUSE.

- I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE

YOU'RE GONNA GET INTO.

- I'M NOT GONNA GET INTO
ANY TROUBLE.

- THIS IS EXCITING.

- YES.

[squeals]



- MY DAUGHTER, BROOKE,
IS GETTING MARRIED.

I JUST KNOW SHE'S GONNA MAKE
A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.

- I DON'T KNOW; THERE'S
SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE

A COCKTAIL WAITRESS.

- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE EMMY.

I'VE GOT TO GO THERE FIRST.

- OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANKS YOU.

- I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
- OH, THANK YOU.

BEING AN ACTOR, PEOPLE ASSUME
THAT YOU LOVE TO HAVE

THE ATTENTION FOCUSED ON YOU.

- ARE YOU GOING BACK
TO YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS?

- I'M GOING BACK
TO YOUNG AND RESTLESS.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME.



PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

- HUSTLE. WE'VE GOT TO HUSTLE.

HUSTLE, HUSTLE, HUSTLE, HUSTLE.

- WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN A WHILE,
AND I WAS HOPING JUST TO,

LIKE, GET BACK ON TRACK
WITH OUR FRIENDSHIP.

- MY GOD, YOU'VE NEVER ACTUALLY
SAID TO ME, "I APOLOGIZE."

- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
MY FRIEND, THAT'S FINE.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA KISS YOUR ASS
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[upbeat music]

- THROW ME TO THE WOLVES,

AND I SHALL RETURN
LEADING THE PACK.

- CHARACTER ISN'T WHAT YOU HAVE;
IT'S WHO YOU ARE.

- YOU'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT ME,

BUT IT'S ONLY TRUE
WHEN IT COMES FROM MY LIPS.

- I'M NOT A BITCH,
BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV.

- I'VE BEEN RICH,
AND I'VE BEEN FAMOUS,

BUT HAPPINESS BEATS THEM BOTH.

- I'D RATHER SPENDING MY LIFE
KICKING ASS THAN KISSING IT.

- PLANES AND YACHTS ARE NICE,
BUT MY HAPPINESS STARTS AT HOME.

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- HELLO.

- HI.

- WHICH DRESSES ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT HERE?

- OKAY,
THIS IS MY WEDDING DRESS.

- OH, MY GOD.
IS THIS BROOKE'S DRESS?

- OKAY,
THIS IS BROOKE'S WEDDING DRESS.

- CAN I SEE THIS FIRST?
CAN WE TAKE IT OUT?

- NO, WE CAN'T TAKE... I'M AFRAID
TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE BAG.

- WHY?
- BECAUSE

- OH,
YOU DON'T WANT IT TO GET DIRTY.

- I DON'T WANT IT TO GET DIRTY.

- OH,
CAN'T WE JUST PEEK A LITTLE?

- YEAH.

- OH, MY GOD, KIM.
THAT'S GORGEOUS.

- I'M NERVOUS ABOUT THIS DRESS,

BECAUSE I JUST WANT IT
TO BE PERFECT FOR BROOKE.

NO MISTAKES ON THIS DRESS.

[exhales]

- AND IS THIS YOURS?
- AND WE GOT MINE.

- RIGHT?

THAT LOOKS LIKE SUCH A
MOTHER OF THE BRIDE DRESS.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?
- YES.

- I'M GONNA GO TRY IT ON
REAL QUICK.

- OH, MY GOSH, KIM.

- RIGHT?

- WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

THEY'RE ALL SICK, RIGHT?

ARE THEY STAYING IN THEIR ROOMS?

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET SICK
BEFORE SPAIN.

- KIMBERLY IS IN MY BED.

AND CHAD IS IN HIS BED.

- CHAD'S SICK TOO?
- YES.

- I FEEL LIKE I'M IN, LIKE,
A GERM BOX.

I'M SO EXCITED
ABOUT GOING TO SPAIN.

THE LAST THING I NEED
IS TO GET SICK

FROM KIM BEFORE I GO ON MY TRIP.

- I CAN'T GET IT ZIPPED.

- [gasps] OH, I LOVE IT.

- DO YOU LIKE IT OR NO?

- YES, I DO.

OH, MY GOD. I LOVE IT.

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THE TRUTH,
THOUGH.

HOW SICK HAS EVERYBODY BEEN?

DOES ANYBODY THROW UP?

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

- YES.

- KIM, HOW COULD YOU LET ME
COME OVER HERE LIKE THIS?

- BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO SEE
MY DRESS.

"OH, OH, I ALREADY FEEL IT.

"LIKE, OH, MY GOD.
I ALREADY AM SICK.

LIKE, OH, AUGH."

- OH, MY GOD.

HI.

OH, MY GOD. I'M SORRY.

YOU LOOK REALLY BAD,
LIKE SICK... PRETTY BUT SICK,

BUT I LOVE YOU.

- I WOULD WEAR THAT
THE NIGHT BEFORE 100%.

LOVE YOU, KIMBERLY.

- I'M COMING TO GET YOU.

- SHUT UP.

- AHH-AHH-AHH!

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- HI, NORM. BRANDI IS HERE.

- OH, GOOD.

- YEAH.

- HI.
- HEY.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- LET ME GET ON MY TIPTOES.

- OH, I LIKE TO KEEP YOU
ON YOUR TOES.

YOU KNOW THAT.

THERE'S A LOT WITH ME
THAT'S CHANGED.

JUST REALIZING
WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF

AND WHAT I CAN DO
AND NOT SAYING NO

BECAUSE I'M AFRAID
TO DO SOMETHING.

I'M IN A DIFFERENT SPACE
RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN A HEADSPACE
OF MOVING FORWARD,

PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE,

TAKING ON A LOT OF DIFFERENT
WORK PROJECTS, AND REALIZING,

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN DO THIS."

SO WHAT'S GOING ON?

- WELL, I JUST THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR US

TO TALK A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT HOW THE SHOW IS DOING.

YOU KNOW, WE CUT THE PODCAST
BACK FROM WEEKLY

TO TWICE MONTHLY
BECAUSE OF YOUR TRAVEL SCHEDULE.

- RIGHT.

- I THINK WE SHOULD BE
THINKING ABOUT NOW

TRYING TO GET BACK
ON A WEEKLY SCHEDULE.

THE NUMBERS ARE GOOD.

- I ENJOY THIS, BUT I REALLY...
ULTIMATELY,

IT'S ABOUT THE MONEY.

I WANT TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.

I WANT TO BUY A HOUSE.

I WANT TO HAVE STABILITY
FOR MY CHILDREN.

I WANT TO BE ABLE
TO TAKE CARE OF THEM,

SEND THEM TO COLLEGE,
AND NEVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN

HAVE TO DEPEND ON A MAN.

- THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS
WE CAN DO.

I MEAN, WE CAN USE ALL 200 OF
THOSE PODCASTS TO CROSS-PROMOTE.

WE OUGHT TO DO MORE OF THAT.

I THINK IT WILL BE
VERY SUCCESSFUL.

IF YOU WANT TO DO
BRANDI GLANVILLE UNFILTERED,

YOU CAN DO THAT.

BUT THAT DOES LIMIT US FROM
A LARGE CHUNK OF ADVERTISERS.

- MY PODCAST IS CALLED
BRANDI GLANVILLE UNFILTERED,

AND THAT IS BASICALLY
WHAT IT IS.

IT HAS AN "E" AFTER IT
FOR "EXPLICIT," WHICH IS SAD,

BECAUSE IT'S NOT
ALWAYS EXPLICIT.

- SO THE SECOND THAT BABY
WAS SPIT OUT,

I WILL FIND MY INNER HOOCH.

HAVE A HAMBURGER, BITCH,
YOU ANOREXIC BITCH.

AND I AM GOING TO GRILL
THAT MOTHER[bleep].

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

- WE'RE LIVING IN A WORLD
WHERE EVERYONE IS AFRAID

TO SAY ANYTHING ANYMORE,
AND I THINK IT'S SAD.

I PERSONALLY DON'T TRUST MYSELF,

AND I DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE
A FAMILY FRIENDLY SIDE.

AND IF I DO IT, THEY MIGHT
LOOK AT ME IN THE PRESS

OR WHATEVER THEY'RE READING
AND BE LIKE,

"OH, WE JUST DON'T WANT
TO ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON

BECAUSE OF"...

- BECAUSE SHE'S TOO
FAMILY FRIENDLY.

- I'M CRAZY.

- [laughs]

WE NEED TO THINK SERIOUSLY
ABOUT HOW MUCH OF THAT INVENTORY

WE CAN MAKE FAMILY FRIENDLY

SO THAT WE CAN GO AFTER
THE BIG-BRAND ADVERTISERS.

- I'M REALLY JUST FEELING
LIKE I CAN ACCOMPLISH

WHAT I SET MY MIND TO,
AND DON'T QUIT.

DON'T SAY, "OH, POOR ME."

LIKE,
I DID THAT FOR LONG ENOUGH.

I'M NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE.

- WELL, I'M READY TO DO
WHATEVER YOU GUYS THINK

THAT WE NEED TO DO IN ORDER
TO MAKE IT GROW

AND TO MAKE MORE MONEY.

I MEAN, THAT'S OBVIOUSLY...
I MEAN,

I ENJOY BEING UNFILTERED,
BUT I'M HAPPILY...

I CAN FILTER MYSELF IF NEED BE.

- YOU SURE?
- I'M... PRETTY SURE.

[upbeat music]

- HONEY, DO WE KNOW WHAT THE
WEATHER IS LIKE WHEN WE LAND?

HELLO?

WHAT'S THE TEMPERATURE
WHEN WE LAND?

- I HAVE NO CLUE.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR PASSPORTS.

CHECK. DONE.

- IT'S FEELS SO WEIRD
ONLY TRAVELING WITH TWO KIDS.

- LET'S MAKE SURE I HAVE
THE RIGHT PASSPORTS.

- OUR CLOSE FAMILY FRIEND
INVITED SOPHIA

TO GO TO THE SOUTH OF FRANCE,

AND SINCE WE WERE GOING
TO SPAIN,

WE DECIDED TO LET HER GO AHEAD.

SHE'S JETTING OFF FOR TEN DAYS

AND THEN MEETING UP
WITH HER PARENTS IN SPAIN.

I MEAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHERE ARE YOU?

AY-YI-YI.

LISTEN,
YOU CANNOT BRING THIS MANY...

IF YOU'RE GONNA BRING
THIS NECK PILLOW,

YOU'RE NOT BRINGING THAT ONE.

DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT
EATING THAT PILLOW.

I DON'T... WHY CAN I NOT THINK?

MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING.

PLEASE FEED YOUR FISH.

PROMISE?

YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME THINK
I'M GONNA WIN SOME PRIZE

BY HAVING ONE BAG.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WIN
FROM THAT,

NOTHING BUT LESS CLOTHING.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
I NEED YOU.

- HONEY, I CAN'T GO OVER
ALL YOUR CLOTHING RIGHT NOW.

- JUST GIVE ME...
HEY, PAY ATTENTION.

- DON'T CALL ME "HEY,"
OR YOU WILL GET NOTHING.

HONEY, THOSE, IF WE WERE, LIKE,
ON A FIRST DATE,

WOULD BE A DEAL-BREAKER.

- WELL, THANK GOD WE'RE NOT ON
A FIRST DATE.

- WELL, I'M JUST TELLING YOU.

- OH, ALL YOU DO
IS DRIVE ME BANANAS SOMETIMES.

- [laughs]

ALEXIA, ARE YOU READY?

ALEXIA.

THIS TRIP IS EXTRA-SPECIAL,

BECAUSE ALEXIA IS LEAVING
FOR COLLEGE.

AND IN OUR FANTASIES, OF COURSE,

WE'RE GONNA BE DOING
FAMILY VACATIONS

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES,
BUT THE TRUTH IS,

THE KIDS GROW UP,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
THESE MOMENTS AGAIN.

DID YOU PUT FAKE NAILS ON?

- YES.

- OH, MY GOSH.

- I ALSO WANT MAKEUP
FOR MY EYES.

- I DON'T WANT YOU
WEARING MAKEUP.

- WHY?

BUT IT'S VERY LIGHT MAKEUP.

- NO, I DON'T WANT YOU
WEARING MAKEUP.

YOU'RE TOO LITTLE FOR MAKEUP.

AT HOME TO PLAY A LITTLE
SOMETIMES IS OKAY,

BUT ANYTHING ELSE, NO.

- MOMS THESE DAYS.

- WE'RE GONNA START
TO BE LATE NOW.

- WE ARE LATE.

- HERE'S MY BAG
THAT GETS CHECKED.

AND THEN PORTIA HAS THE HAT BOX.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD
CARRY THIS?

I'M ENVISIONING
THIS GORGEOUS YACHT,

AND I JUST FEEL LIKE
I HAVE TO HAVE A HAT

WHILE SITTING ON IT.

PORTIA,
IF THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT ASKS,

THIS IS YOUR PURSE.

- MOMMY, YOU'RE CRAZY.

LET'S GO, EVERYBODY.

- WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

- WE ARE NEVER LEAVING.

WE JUST THINK WE'RE LEAVING.

- WE'VE GOT TO GO.
I'M GETTING SUPER-STRESSED.

IT'S 1:00.

BUCKLE UP, PORTIA.

- THANK YOU, SIR.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- [groans]

- DADDY, YOU SQUISHED ME.
- YOU SQUISHED ME.

- DO YOU HAVE THE PASSPORT?

- YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

MY GOD.

- COMING UP...

- VINNY,
SHE'S GETTING ALL OVER THE SOFA.

- I KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- GET HER.
- I'M TRYING TO GET HER.

- DON'T ALL COUPLES BICKER?

[upbeat music]

- COME ON, BUBBY.
IT'S SHOPPING TIME.

- OH, IT'S SO CUTE.

- HELLO, DARLING.
- OH, MY GOD.

HERE SHE IS. - OH, MY GOD.

YANA. - I THINK...

[dog barks]

- OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, GOT JEALOUS.

- HELLO. HI. LISA.

- HI, I'M SO GLAD
YOU FINALLY MADE IT

- THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- THANK YOU.

- OKAY, SO WE NEED TO ORDER
GIGGY A FEW OUTFITS.

- OKAY, GREAT.

- MY HUSBAND NORMALLY DOES
THE WARDROBE SHOPPING FOR GIGGY.

AND HE I THINK NOW THINKS
OF GIGGY

AS THE CHILD OF THE FAMILY,
AS RIDICULOUS AS IT MIGHT SEEM.

- OH, NOW YOU ARE IN
A BEST OF MOOD, ARE YOU?

OKAY.

- SO HE'S GOT A COUPLE EVENTS.

HE'S GOT
CHILDREN WITH ALOPECIA EVENT.

PLUS, HE NEEDS LIGHT,
THIN PAJAMAS,

BECAUSE WE WON'T SLEEP NAKED.

YEAH,
THIS ONE IS BRILLIANT FOR HIM,

BECAUSE IT'S SO LIGHT.

HE'D WEAR THIS AT NIGHT.

- MIGHT BE
A LITTLE BIT UNCOMFORTABLE

TO SLEEP WITH ON THE FLOOR,
THOUGH.

- I WISH THAT HE, YOU KNOW,

HE WOULD ACTUALLY WEAR
NO CLOTHES SOMETIMES

BUT HE JUST GETS VERY UNHAPPY
WITH THAT.

I LOVE THAT, THOUGH.

THAT IS JUST PORN-DOG-RAPHY
TO ME AT ITS BEST.

IS GIGGY A BABY SUBSTITUTE?

ABSOLUTELY.

I ACTUALLY MISS THE CHILDREN
BEING IN THE HOUSE.

I JUST LOVED BEING A MOTHER,

AND I THINK THE DAY
I'M A GRANDMOTHER

IS GOING TO BE ONE OF
THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

- OH, THE PURPLE IS HIS COLOR.
IT LOOKS SO PRETTY.

- OH, HE LOOKS GORGEOUS IN THAT.

SO YES,
THE PRESSURE IS ON PANDORA.

THE PRESSURE HAS BEEN ON
SINCE SHE WAS 14 IF I'M HONEST.

DO YOU LIKE THAT?

- YES, MOMMY.

- HE LIKES IT.

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- CHARLOTTE.

[laughs]

OH, MY GOD.

CHARLOTTE.

- VINNY,
SHE'S GETTING ALL OVER THE SOFA.

- I KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- GET HER.
- I'M TRYING TO GET HER.

- OH, I GOTCHA.

GOOD GIRL.

- OKAY, WE'RE GONNA SET UP
THE SLIDE THING.

NOW, HONEY, I THINK THIS IS
GONNA BE HARDER ANYTHING,

IS OPENING THE BOX.

SUMMER IN MALIBU
IS A LOT OF FUN.

EVERYBODY'S IN THE POOL
RUNNING AROUND,

JUMPING, AND SCREAMING,
AND YELLING.

- OH, YEAH.

THAT WAS... THAT WAS GREAT.

GOOD JOB. WATCH OUT. OOH.

- AND THERE'S JUST LIFE
IN THE HOUSE.

- OH, WE'RE GONNA DO BELLY FLOPS
IN A FEW MINUTES.

- I WOULDN'T HAVE IT
ANY OTHER WAY.

- HONEY, LET ME DO IT,
ALL RIGHT?

- UH-OH.
- JUST LET ME TAKE CARE OF IT.

SLIP 'N SLIDE.

- SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS.

- OH, NOTHING'S WRONG.

NO, BUT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE UP.

WE'RE NOT GONNA...

THERE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WATER
IN THE GRASS.

WE'VE GOT TO GO THIS WAY, HONEY.

- MY HUSBAND, VINCE VAN PATTEN,
WAS A TEEN IDOL.

HE WAS A BIG, BIG FAN FAVORITE.

I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS
THAT HAD HIS POSTERS

IN THEIR ROOMS,
WHICH IS PRETTY FUNNY.

I NEVER DID.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
REALLY KIND OF WEIRD, RIGHT?

- HAVE FUN.
- [laughs]

THEN HE WAS
A TENNIS PROFESSIONAL,

NUMBER 25 IN THE WORLD.

AND HE'S NOW THE CO-HOST
OF THE WORLD POKER TOUR.

VINCE IS MY THIRD HUSBAND.

OH, MY GOD. I KNOW.

I'M LIKE THE ZSA ZSA HERE.

BUT MY FIRST ONE ONLY LASTED
SIX MONTHS.

IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT,
DOES IT?

- OKAY.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- NO, NO,
THAT'S NOT THE BEST I CAN DO.

I CAN DO BETTER.

WAH!

[laughter]

- SCORE!

I HAVE THREE BOYS.

JESSE, OUR SON TOGETHER,

HE IS GOING INTO
THE SIXTH GRADE,

AND WE HAVE DUKE AND VINNY,
MY STEPSONS.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY STEPSONS
IS GREAT.

I MEAN, I'VE HELPED RAISE THEM
FROM THE TIME

THEY WERE FIVE AND SEVEN.

GUYS, I'M GONNA START DINNER,
LIKE, IN 45, OKAY?

I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED
BEING A MOM TO BOYS.

I THINK I'M KIND OF GOOD AT IT.

HEY, 45 MINUTES.

BUT I HAVE MISSED
HAVING THE CAMARADERIE OF WOMEN.

WAIT A MINUTE, NOT NOW.

VERY FUNNY. HA-HA.

COME ON.
SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

NOT THAT I'M A COMPETITIVE
PERSON OR ANYTHING.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU. OKAY.

I'M VERY COMPETITIVE,

BECAUSE I'M THE YOUNGEST
OF SEVEN KIDS.

DON'T MESS WITH ME.

OH, WAIT.

IT'S SECOND NATURE TO ME
TO WANT TO KEEP UP

AND THEN WANT TO WIN.

I'M GONNA KILL IT.

VINNY.

- YEAH.
- WE NEED NEWSPAPER.

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S WHAT I NEED,
NEWSPAPER.

- MAKE FIRE.

- THIS IS SO RINKY-DINK.

- THIS IS NOT GOOD.
WE'RE GONNA START A FOREST FIRE.

- NO, NO,
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO GET IT GOING.

SEE, THIS LOG IS JUST TOO...

- OKAY, THAT IS A VERY
POISONOUS FLOWER ON THERE.

- WHAT?

- VINCENT AND I,
WE TEND TO BICKER.

I MEAN,
DON'T ALL COUPLES BICKER?

- IT'S FROZEN.
- IT'S NOT FROZEN.

- IT'S HORRIBLE.
- IT IS READY.

- POISON THE KID.
- DON'T POISON...

OKAY,
WE'LL GIVE IT TO OUR SON FIRST.

- [laughs]

- JESSE, COME HERE.

TRY THIS AND TELL ME
HOW FANTASTIC IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- GOD OF ALL DELICIOUSNESS.

- MAYBE YOU DO KNOW SOMETHING
ABOUT HOT DOGS.

- EXACTLY.

[upbeat latin-tinged music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- LOOK, PORTIA! WE'VE ARRIVED?

I WANT TO SEE SOPHIA.
I WANT TO SEE THE BOAT.

AREN'T YOU GUYS EXCITED
ABOUT THE YACHT?

- I WANT TO SEE... YES,
I WANT TO SEE THE BOAT.

I WANT TO SEE A BED.

- BEEP-BEEP.
- SOPHIA.

- YAY.

- I HOPE SOPHIA APPRECIATES
HOW FORTUNATE SHE IS.

I WAS NOT TRAVELING EUROPE
AT 14.

I WAS ACTUALLY WORKING AT 14,

BRINGING HOME THE BACON.

- YAY.

- OH, MY GOD.

- SHE'S SO TIRED.

WE'RE EXHAUSTED.

[upbeat music]

LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL.
LOOK WHERE WE ARE.

I MEAN, I AM SO EXCITED.

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO SPAIN.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE IT.
I'M SO EXCITED.

- LIKE, I'M, LIKE,
STILL TRYING TO WRAP MY HEAD

AROUND THE FACT
THAT WE'RE IN SPAIN.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

- I'M FINALLY, LIKE, ENTERING,
LIKE, A HAPPY PLACE.

- THIS IS SO PRETTY, YOU GUYS.

- I LOVE THE ARCHITECTURE.

LOOK AT THESE BOATS,
HOW GORGEOUS THEY ARE.

[gasps]

AREN'T THEY PRETTY?

[upbeat latin-tinged music]

- [speaks indistinctly]

- THAT'S ABOUT 150 FEET;
OURS IS ABOUT 100.

WHOO, WE'RE HERE.

I CANNOT WAIT
TO CHECK THIS BOAT OUT.

- SEE, THAT'S WHAT YOU
HAVE TO DO, HONEY.

YOU NEED TO BUY ONE OF THESE
AND THEN NAME IT AFTER...

- LADY KYLE.

AH, THERE IT IS,
CHAMPAGNE O'CLOCK.

WHOO. - HEY.

- WE MADE IT.

- YAY.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- MATTHEW.

- I'M KYLE.

NICE TO MEET YOU. MATTHEW?

- YEAH.
- MATTHEW.

- I'M RUTH.
I'M DAVID'S WIFE AND THE CHEF.

- GEORGIA, THE STEWARDESS.
- GEORGIA.

MATTHEW, RUTH, GEORGIA.

- SO THAT SIX-PACK
WILL SOON BE GONE

WITH RUTHIE COOKING FOR YOU.

- I HOPE SO.
- YES.

[laughter]

- I'M SO EXCITED.

I WANT TO SEE.
CAN WE LOOK AROUND?

- YOU CAN, INDEED.

- I'M GONNA COME
AND CHECK IT OUT INSIDE HERE.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

OH, MY GOSH.

THIS IS YACHT IS GORGEOUS.

THIS IS BIG.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY FEET,

100 FEET, WHATEVER IT IS;
IT'S BIG.

I DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE
THAT BIG.

I WAS PICTURING
A LITTLE SMALLER.

- THIS IS REALLY NICE.

- THIS IS MY BED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GONNA
FLOAT AROUND IN THIS

FOR ONE WEEK
IN THE MEDITERRANEAN.

YES.

- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

- WOW, THIS IS COMFORTABLE.

- AWESOME.

- THIS IS SO NICE.

- SO NICE.

- OKAY,
THIS WILL BE YOLANDA'S ROOM.

YOLANDA AND I HAVE HAD
OUR ISSUES IN THE PAST...

- YOU SAID THAT LISA
AS FULL OF [bleep].

- NO, NEVER.
- YES, YOU DID.

WE SAT THERE... - YOU'RE A LIAR.

- WE WERE...
- PLEASE, COME ON.

- YOLANDA, YOU ARE A LIAR.
- COME ON. COME ON.

- BUT WE'VE MOVED ON FROM THAT,
AND I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD

TO SPENDING TIME WITH HER
IN SPAIN

AWAY FROM LOS ANGELES
AND OTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCES.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
TO A GOOD BON VOYAGE,

TO A GOOD JOURNEY.

- CHEERS. CHEERS.

- MOM, CAN I HAVE A SPRITE?

- NOTHING LIKE CHAMPAGNE
AT CHAMPAGNE O'CLOCK.

- COMING UP...

- I WOULD NEVER WANT TO TAINT
YOUR OPINION OF ANYBODY.

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- [coughs]
- GOOD MORNING.

- OH, GOOD MORNING.

- I FEEL LIKE
I'M AN AMERICAN FLAG.

- OH, THEY'RE REALLY CUTE.

- YEAH, LOOK AT THIS.
- THEY'RE SO CUTE.

GIVE ME A KISS.

Muah!

THEY'RE CUTE.

DID YOU SLEEP WELL?

- YEAH.

- NOW, WHEN YOU'RE IN SCHOOL,
AND YOU HAVE ROOMMATES,

DON'T LEAVE THINGS
LAYING AROUND.

- I KNOW. THAT REMINDS ME.

I'M WRITING IT DOWN ON MY LIST
OF THINGS I NEED TO GET.

- TIME IS JUST FLYING BY.

ALEXIA IS 18.

SHE'S A LEGAL ADULT.

AND SHE'S LEAVING FOR COLLEGE.

WE NEED A MATTRESS?

- YES, DID YOU FEEL THE
MATTRESSES WHEN WE SAT THERE?

THEY WERE LIKE THIS.

- WELL, THAT'S PART OF COLLEGE

THAT WAY, YOU COME HOME MORE.

- I NEED THE... CRUCIAL...
CURLING IRON,

STRAIGHTENING IRON,
AND BLOW DRYER...

- YOU ALREADY HAVE THOSE THINGS.

- YEAH, BUT I SHARE WITH YOU.

A DESK CHAIR, BECAUSE THE ONE

THAT THEY GIVE ME
IS REALLY UGLY,

A LAUNDRY BASKET, HANGERS,
RUG/CARPET...

I WANT A CUTE ONE.

LAMPS, A BEDSIDE TABLE,
AND A SAFE.

- A SAFE. I LOVE THE SAFE.

- I 100% HAVE TO HAVE A SAFE.

- GOOD MORNING.

- YEAH.

- [laughs]

- GOOD MORNING.

COME GIVE ME A HUG,
YOU LITTLE TOOTHLESS WONDER.

YOU WERE SLEEPING
WITH YOUR SISTERS

AND DECIDED TO COME
WITH MOMMY AND DADDY?

- MM-HMM.

- GOOD MORNING.

- OH.
- LOOK WHO IT IS.

HI, THERE.

- HOW ARE YOU GUYS?

- WELCOME.
- THANK YOU.

- I KNOW YOLANDA IS COMING
FROM A VERY BIG YACHT,

SO I HOPE SHE DOESN'T THINK
THIS IS SOME

LITTLE DINGHY OR SOMETHING.

- DAVID PICKED ME UP,

AND WE WENT ON A WEEK VACATION
IN TURKEY.

- YOU WERE ON THE BOAT
IN TURKEY.

I SAW THOSE PICTURES, YEAH.

- DAVID AND I WERE ON
A SAILBOAT.

WE DIDN'T SEE ANY TOURISM.

WE DIDN'T GO TO ANY PLACES
THAT ANYBODY ELSE GO.

- ARE YOU ALLOWED TO SWIM
IN THERE?

- YES.

- WOW.

- WE NEED THESE VACATIONS.

WE NEED TO JUST HOLD HANDS
AND GO SNORKELING,

AND WE NEED TO JUST JUMP
OFF THE SIDE OF THE BOAT,

AND WE NEED TO BE TOGETHER
AS TWO LOVERS,

AND IT'S AMAZING.

I MEAN, THIS IS HAPPINESS.

I LOVE HIM.

- I'LL SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

IS THIS HEAVY?

- NO, IT'S OKAY.
- NO?

- I GOT IT.

[upbeat latin-tinged music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- PORTIA, LOOK. I'M FLYING.

- LOOK HOW CUTE, THOSE LITTLE
BAGELS IN THE WATER.

- WE'RE GOING ON THAT.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.
- OH, YEAH, YOU CAN.

WE'RE DOING IT.

- THAT'S IT. YOU'VE GOT IT.

PLOP. WONDERFUL.

- I HAVE A VERY BAD WEDGIE.

- DROP. YEAH.

- I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW
TO FACE YOUR FEARS.

- HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE.

- AHH! AHH! [bleep].

- OH, [bleep].

- WHY AM I BACKWARDS?

[bleep].

WHY AM I...

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THIS BAGEL.

"KYLE, MY BAGEL.

KYLE, MY BAGEL, MY BAGEL."

[laughs]

- IT'S A CROWN WAVE.

- YOU'RE GONNA FALL OFF.

YOU'RE GONNA FALL OFF.

- WELL, ISN'T IT... IN BAGELS,
ISN'T THAT THE ROUND THING,

A BAGEL WITH A HOLE INSIDE?

THIS IS...
THIS BAGEL GOES LIKE THAT.

- OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING.

DON'T TELL HER IT'S CALLED
A DOUGHNUT.

- I THINK I PEED IN MY BAGEL.

- [laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- YOU'RE NOT FINDING
THESE LOVELY PEOPLE A TABLE?

- YES, WE ARE SEATING THEM NOW.

- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- HI. IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU LOOK FABULOUS.

- I DO.
- YEAH, YOU DO... ALWAYS.

- NO, YOU LOOK GREAT.
LOOK AT YOU.

COME ON, THEN, LET'S GO SIT DOWN
AND CATCH UP.

- YES, CAN WE?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
COME ON.

- LISA IS A BRITISH HUSTLER.

AND I THINK THAT'S ONE OF
THE REASONS WHY WE CONNECT

AND GET ALONG SO WELL
ON THE LEVEL THAT WE DO,

IS BECAUSE WE LIKE TO WORK.

WE LIKE TO BE BUSY.

WE'RE WORKER BEES.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- OH, MY GOSH.

I'M GOOD.

I'M BY MYSELF.

THE KIDS ARE IN CANADA
WITH HARRY.

- OH, OH, OH, GOD.

- SO I KIND OF FEEL SINGLE.
- HOW OLD ARE THEY NOW?

- 13 AND 16.
- YOU DON'T FEEL SINGLE.

LIKE, THAT SINGLE...
- WELL, NOT LIKE THAT.

- LIKE, YOU WANT, LIKE, A LOVER?

- NO, SINGLE, LIKE, FANCY-FREE.

- TAKE ME WITH YOU.

- COME.

NO, LIKE, FANCY-FREE.

LIKE, I DON'T HAVE TO
DRIVE ANYBODY ANYWHERE.

- I KNOW. THE PRESSURE'S OFF.

- HOW ABOUT YOU?
- IT'S BEEN CRAZY, REALLY.

YOU KNOW, JUST GETTING...
YEAH, YEAH,

JUST GETTING PUMP OPEN,
I MEAN, WHICH WAS STRESSFUL,

AND IT TOOK WAY LONGER
THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO.

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
YOU'VE DONE IT.

- I FEEL L IKE I'VE BEEN BURNING
AT BOTH ENDS.

I'VE HAD, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
WITH A GROUP OF WOMEN SOMETIMES,

AND, "WHY CAN'T YOU BE HERE?
WHY CAN'T YOU THERE?"

AND I'M, LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO
KEEP SAYING I'M WORKING.

I SOUND LIKE MISS BORING,
BUT SOMETIMES IT'S BEEN...

- I THINK THAT'S HARD.

- I HAD A BIT OF A TOUGH TIME

WITH SOME OF THE OTHER
"FRIENDS," SO TO SPEAK.

OH, ARE YOU WITH KYLE?

I REALLY APPRECIATE LISA.

YOU KNOW, I'VE KNOWN HER MANY,
MANY YEARS.

LISA RINNA HAS NEVER BEEN
LOOKING FOR A PROBLEM,

LIKE, SAY,
SOME OF MY OTHER FRIENDS.

SHE'S ABSOLUTELY THERE
AND SUPPORTIVE,

AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S, LIKE,
I WOULD NEVER WANT TO,

LIKE,
TAINT YOUR OPINION OF ANYBODY

BY MY OWN EXPERIENCE.

- RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- I'M NOT SURE IT WOULD.
- I WASN'T EASY, SHALL WE SAY.

- WELL, IS IT SOMETHING
THAT YOU CAN MOVE PAST?

- I'VE GOT TO LET SOME OF IT GO.

I THINK, "WELL,
THEY MUST HAVE THEIR REASONS

FOR DOING OR SAYING
WHAT THEY DID."

- YEAH.
- YOU'VE KNOWN ME FOR 25 YEARS.

YOU KNOW I NEVER TALK [bleep]
ABOUT ANYBODY.

I MIGHT HAVE A LAUGH
OR SOMETHING, BUT...

- WELL, I'VE NEVER HAD
THAT EXPERIENCE WITH YOU, SO I...

- NO, WE DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.

I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.

- WHATEVER HAS GONE ON FOR HER
WITH THE OTHER WOMEN

I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED,

AND I GO OFF OF... ALWAYS...

WHAT IS MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
WITH YOU?

UNTIL SOMEBODY STABS ME
IN THE BACK,

EVEN IF I SEE THE KNIFE COMING,
I CAN DODGE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I CAN WATCH IT, AND I CAN SAY,
"HEY, THERE'S THE KNIFE."

I HEARD IN THE LITTLE
GRAPEVINE AREA THAT...

- ANYTHING THAT STARTS WITH "I
HEARD" ALWAYS MAKES ME NERVOUS.

GO ON. - OKAY.

THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET A STAR
OR AN AWARD IN PALM SPRINGS.

- YES.

- THAT'S FABULOUS.

- I HAVE BEEN SELECTED
TO RECEIVE A STAR

ON THE WALK OF STARS
IN PALM SPRINGS.

IT ENCOMPASSES
EVERYTHING I'VE DONE

OVER THE LAST KIND OF FEW YEARS,

BUT IT'S ALSO ABOUT MY SUPPORT
OF THE LGBT COMMUNITY,

AND I AM TRULY, TRULY BLOODY
HONORED.

- I THINK IT'S FANTASTIC.

I MEAN, YOU'RE GETTING A...
- COME WITH ME.

I NEED SOMEBODY TO HOLD MY HAND.

- SERIOUSLY?
- YEAH.

I FEEL, LIKE,
BAD ASKING YOU TO GO WITH.

- WHY? I WOULD LOVE TO COME.

- IT'S 110 DEGREES, AND IT'S,
LIKE, 2 HOURS AWAY.

- WELL, I'M HOME ALONE,
SO IT GIVES ME SOMETHING

REALLY LOVELY AND MEANINGFUL
TO GO INTO.

I LOVE IT.

- GO SHOPPING AND FIND SOMETHING
THAT'S, LIKE, ALMOST NAKED,

BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE SO HOT.

- I WOULD LIKE TO GO SHOPPING.
- OKAY.

- I WILL HELP YOU FIND
SOMETHING FABULOUS.

I NEVER TURN DOWN A SHOP.

[upbeat latin-tinged music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- YOLANDA.
- YEAH.

- WHICH SHOE?
- THOSE FOR SURE, THE WEDGIES.

- SEE, IF I WERE TALL,
I COULD WEAR SHOES LIKE THAT.

IT'S NOT AN OPTION.

- WELL, I PUT ON WEDGIES,
BUT I THOUGHT,

"I'LL LEAVE THOSE IN THE CLOSET
SO WE CAN"...

- THANK YOU,
THROWING ME A LITTLE BONE.

- WE'RE CLOSER IN HEIGHT, YES.

- I LOVE THIS DRESS
HAS POCKETS TOO.

- YAY.

- I FEEL VERY SPANISH IN THIS.
- YOU LOOK VERY SPANISH.

- I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD GO
RUNNING WITH THE BULLS.

- YOU SHOULD.
- [laughs]

I LOVE BEING ON THE YACHT,
BUT I HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED

TO GET OUT AND SEE THE PEOPLE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT
FEELS LIKE TO LIVE IN SPAIN.

I HAVE A FEELING THIS DRESS
IS GONNA BLOW UP

AND EMBARRASS ME TODAY.

[upbeat electronic music]

LOOK AT THIS. HOW BEAUTIFUL.

- I USED TO SHOOT HERE A LOT
WHEN I WAS MODELING.

DID YOU SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL
THE LIGHT IS,

THE YELLOW OF THE LIGHT?

IT'S GORGEOUS, NO?

- I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE.

- REALLY?
- YEAH, I DIDN'T NOTICE.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL;
IT'S FROM THE ROCK...

THE LIGHT THAT HITS THE ROCK,
IT'S REALLY SOFT.

- AS A CHILD ACTOR, I TRAVELED
TO WHATEVER OUR LOCATION WAS.

I TRAVELED A LOT
IN THE UNITED STATES.

I LIVED IN LONDON
FOR A FEW MONTHS.

BUT I DIDN'T GET TO
EXPERIENCE EUROPE,

AND I LOVE THAT YOLANDA
IS FROM EUROPE

AND KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT SPAIN.

SHE'S MY OWN PERSONAL,
BEAUTIFUL TOUR GUIDE.

AHH!

- OH. [laughs]

- AHH.
- DID YOU LOSE IT?

- BETTER MY HAT
THAN MY DRESS BLOWING OFF.

BEAUTIFUL.

- IT EXCITES ME FOR KYLE
TO SEE EUROPE.

I FEEL THAT ALL AMERICAN PEOPLE
SHOULD HOPEFULLY

ONE TIME IN THEIR LIFE
HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY

TO SEE THINGS THAT ARE JUST...

BEEN THERE FOR HUNDREDS
AND HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

- WHAT IS THIS? WHERE ARE WE?

- WELL,
THIS IS UNDER THE CATHEDRAL.

SO THESE WERE ON THE GROUNDS,

WHERE THE HORSES
ARE RUNNING THROUGH.

NOW, THIS IS THE CATHEDRAL.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

- WOW, UNBELIEVABLE.

- IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

DO YOU THAT IT TOOK THEM
400 YEARS TO BUILD IT?

- WHY DON'T WE HAVE BUILDINGS
LIKE THIS?

AND NOW ALL WE HAVE ACCESS TO,
AND WE HAVE NOTHING, LIKE,

EVER TOUCH THIS.

- I MEAN, HOW DID THEY GET,
YOU KNOW, LIKE, WITH ROPES,

THEY PUT ALL THOSE STATUES
ON THE TOP OF IT.

I MEAN, HOW DO EVEN...
WHERE DO YOU EVEN START?

- HELLO.
CAN WE TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU?

- WHERE YOU FROM?

- LOS ANGELES.

- I HAVE ABSOLUTELY
FALLEN IN LOVE WITH MALLORCA.

IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

THE PEOPLE ARE SO FRIENDLY.

I JUST LOVE IT.

I COULD PROBABLY LIVE HERE.

- BYE. THANK YOU.

- BYE.

[upbeat latin-tinged music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- WE SPENT, LIKE, A WHOLE DAY...

- YEAH.

ARE THIS HOOK... OH, ARE THESE...

I THOUGHT THOSE WERE HOOKS
FOR OUR PURSES.

- THESE CHAIRS ARE SO COMFY.

- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU?

- [speaks indistinctly]

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

- I'M FROM HOLLAND.

- HOLLAND.

PASQUALE.

- WOW, YOU ARE SO SWEET.
THANK YOU.

- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
NICE TO SEE YOU.

- MY GIRLFRIEND
FROM BEVERLY HILLS.

- PERFECT. OH, PLEASURE.

- RODEO DRIVE.
- AMERICA.

- YES.
- VERY NICE.

- KYLE IS ADORABLE.

I MEAN, SEEING HER
IN A DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENT,

LIKE, I LOVED HER EXCITEMENT
ABOUT BEING IN EUROPE.

SO I HAVE A NEWFOUND RESPECT
FOR HER AS A MOM, AS A WIFE,

AND I GUESS AS A HUMAN BEING
IN GENERAL.

- HAVE YOU CHECKED IN
WITH DAVID?

- YOU KNOW, DAVID ALREADY LEFT,
LIKE, A WEEK AGO.

HE DROPPED ME AT MY MOM'S.

I WISH HE WOULD HAVE COME
STAYED WITH ME FOR A WEEK

IN HOLLAND AND VISIT MY MOM.

- RIGHT.

- MY MOM SURVIVED BREAST CANCER
AND NOW WITH, YOU KNOW,

UTERUS CANCER ON TOP OF IT.

- I KNOW IT'S HARD.
BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN THERE.

- YEAH, YOU HAVE;
I MEAN, IT'S JUST...

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER
YOU HAVE THEM, YOU KNOW?

MY MOM IS STRUGGLING.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST...
SHE'S NOT HEALTHY.

SHE'S IN BED EVERY DAY
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK,

AND IT REALLY AFFECTS ME.

AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL
SO POWERLESS.

AND LIFE IS FRAGILE.

LIFE IS VERY FRAGILE.

AND I FEEL LIKE THE OLDER I GET,
THE MORE I REALIZE THAT.

- I KNOW, IT'S LIKE WE WERE
SAYING EARLIER, YOU KNOW,

WHEN I HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT
YOUR MOM,

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE SO LUCKY
TO HAVE HER.

- I KNOW, AND I KNOW I AM.

I MEAN, I LOST MY DAD WHEN I WAS
SEVEN YEARS OLD, YOU KNOW?

- MM-HMM.

- LOSING MY FATHER
IN A CAR ACCIDENT

JUST CHANGED ME FOREVER,
BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU KNOW, THE MOST IMPORTANT
PERSON IN MY LIFE IS GONE.

I WENT TO BED; HE WAS THERE.

I WOKE UP, AND HE WAS GONE.

AND IT JUST, YOU KNOW,
IT MADE ME REALIZE

ON A VERY EARLY AGE THAT,
YOU KNOW,

LIFE CAN BE TAKEN AWAY
IN A SECOND.

WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH LONGER
MY MOM'S IS GONNA BE THERE.

- YOU ARE NOT GONNA REGRET

SPENDING THIS TIME
WITH YOUR MOM.

- EXACTLY, SO IT'S TWO WEEKS
THAT I HAVEN'T HAD WITH MY MOM

IN SO MANY YEARS THAT,
YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S SAD.

IT'S...

- COMING UP...

- HI.

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG,

AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL, BELLA"...

WHAT BELLA? W-WHAT?

I FEEL SICK IN MY STOMACH.

- WOW.
- OH, SHUT UP.

- HONEY, MOVE BACK A LITTLE,
REMEMBER?

- VINCE TRIES TO COACH.

HE'S A COACH.

LET'S SEE THAT BACKHAND.

- AHH! SORRY.

- OKAY.

- HE KNOWS SO MUCH
ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF.

I MEAN, HE REALLY DOES.

IT JUST GETS HARD TO TAKE.

- OH.
- THAT'S NOT GOOD.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

YOU'LL GET IT.

- HE'S ALWAYS COACHING THE KIDS,

AND IT ANNOYS THEM TOO,
SO IT'S NOT JUST ME.

- WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH THAT?

WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH THAT?

- [laughs]

MY TENNIS SKILLS WERE
A LOT BETTER BEFORE I MET VINCE.

- OW!
- I'M LIKE, "SERIOUSLY?"

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

- [laughs]

- YOU REALLY GOT ME.

- YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.

[upbeat music]

- MY AGENT TALKED ME INTO
THIS BUSINESS MANAGER,

AND THEN... SO I EMAILED HER,
AND SHE'S LIKE,

"I HAVE THESE GREAT GUYS AT,
L.A. CAR CONNECTION,

AND THEY GET CARS FOR EVERYONE.

I DECIDED TO BUY A NEW CAR,

BECAUSE I GOT A VERY UNEXPECTED
CHECK FROM MY FIRST BOOK.

YESTERDAY,
SHE SENT ME A PICTURE.

SHE WAS LIKE, "THIS IS YOUR CAR.

YOU CAN AFFORD IT. YOU'RE FINE."

DONE, EVERYTHING DONE.

AND IT WAS, LIKE,
A SIX-FIGURE CHECK,

SO I GOT A SIX-FIGURE CAR.

OH, MY KIDS ARE GONNA BE
SO EXCITED.

BUT I DON'T WANT THEM
TO THINK I'M RICH.

- YEAH,
'CAUSE THEN THEY'LL START ASKING

FOR BIGGER AND BETTER TOYS
AND GAMES AND...

- EXACTLY.
"ARE YOU RICH YET, MOM?

THEY ASK ME THAT.
"ARE YOU RICH YET?"

THE BIG DEAL FOR ME WAS,
WHEN I GOT THIS CAR,

I DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE
MY DAD CO-SIGN,

WHICH I DID ON MY LAST ONE.

[doorbell rings]

AHH!

I DON'T NEED ANYONE'S HELP.

I GOT... IT'S, LIKE, I GOT THIS.

HI. - I HAVE YOUR CAR.

- OOH!

- DRUMROLL.
- LET'S DO IT.

- DRUMROLL.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M GONNA...

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S SICK.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, I LOVE IT.

- IT IS SO SICK.

- OH, MY GOD.
MY HEART IS RACING.

IS THIS HOW IT CAME,
WITH THE PLASTIC ON IT?

- YEAH.

- OH, IT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S A CUSTOM.

IT'S GOT TINTED WINDOWS
AND CUTE WHEELS.

LIKE,
I FEEL LIKE I'M BIG PIMPIN'.

I'M GONNA GET IN TROUBLE
WITH SUPERCHARGED,

'CAUSE I THOUGHT MY OLD ONE
WAS FAST.

- NO WAY.

- I'M SUPER EXCITED
TO PICK UP MY KIDS

AT MY EX-HUSBAND'S HOUSE.

- THIS CAR IS SICK.
- I KNOW.

- ISN'T IT AMAZING.
- OH, MY GOD.

I'VE MADE IT.
I CAN DO IT MYSELF.

OH, GUYS, I GOT THIS.

- YES.

[engine revving]

- WOW.
- OH, MY GOD.

[upbeat latin-tinged music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- SO BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S SO NICE, RIGHT?

- OH, MY GOD.

THIS FEELS SO GOOD.

- [laughs]

♪♪ ♪♪

- LOVE IT.

- JUST A HUG. JUST A HUG.

- AHH!
- NO WAY.

- IT'S A SANDWICH.

- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

I CANNOT GET OVER IT.
- ISN'T IT AMAZING?

ALEXIA, YOU'RE THE CUTEST THING
IN THE WORLD.

- HOW CUTE ARE THOSE
LITTLE BUTTS?

- I'M, LIKE, YOU COULD STICK
A DRINK ON THERE.

SHE'S LIKE A LITTLE TABLE.
[laughs]

- THERE IS NOTHING BETTER
THAN YOUTH.

I MEAN... - I KNOW.

- WE LOOK AT THEM... I LOOK AT...

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE, LIKE,
THE BETTER VERSIONS OF US.

ISN'T IT CRAZY WHEN YOU LOOK
AT YOUR KIDS

HOW MUCH LOVE YOU FEEL FOR THEM?

- I DIE; I GET, LIKE,
A LITTLE LUMP IN MY THROAT

WHEN I DO THAT.

- [laughs] IT'S LIKE...

OH, WAIT TILL SEPTEMBER, BABY.

- I CAN'T. NO, IT'S NEXT MONTH.

I'LL START CRYING
WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THAT.

- AUGUST, AUGUST.
- YEAH.

- IT'S... IT'S TOUGH.

GOING THROUGH
THE WHOLE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE,

IT'S KIND OF...
YOU KIND OF FEEL UNITED,

BECAUSE WE FEEL EACH OTHER.

WE UNDERSTAND, LIKE,
WE UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF IT.

- [sobbing]
- I FEEL YOU.

- WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?
THIS IS SO STUPID.

- NO, IT'S NOT STUPID.

IT'S PART OF LIFE.

IT'S THE PART OF... YOU KNOW.

- I KNOW.

- IT'S HARD FOR US.

IT'S HARDER FOR US
THAN IT IS FOR THEM.

- ALEXIA'S GOING OFF TO COLLEGE,
IT'S NOT JUST HER LEAVING.

IT JUST SYMBOLIZES TO ME
THE PASSAGE OF TIME

AND HOW QUICKLY IT'S GOING.

AND IT DOES MAKE ME THINK ABOUT
HOW, YOU KNOW,

FOUR MORE YEARS LEFT,
AND SOPHIA'S GONNA LEAVE,

AND THEN PORTIA IS GONNA BE
THE ONLY ONE HERE

AND HOME WITH MAURICIO AND ME.

THAT FEELS SO STRANGE TO ME.

- YOU KNOW, IT ALL HAS...
IT ALL HAS A PURPOSE.

- YEAH.

- YOU KNOW,
THEY ALL NEED TO FIND

THEIR INDIVIDUAL INDEPENDENCE.

- I KNOW.
NO, I KNOW ALL THAT STUFF...

- AND EVEN FOR US...
EVEN FOR US AS A MOM,

YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE,
WE HAVE TO...

IT'S HARD ON US TO STAND ALONE

AND NOT HAVE THEM
IN THE HOUSE EVERY DAY

AND NOT HAVE THAT JOY OF,
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CRUTCH FOR...

LIKE, MY KIDS, LIKE,
THEY KEEP YOU GOING.

I THINK IT'S AN EXCITING TIME.

AS HARD AS IT WAS FOR ME...
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING?

- AND, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

IT'S ALSO A REALLY EXCITING TIME
FOR THEM.

- I HAVE BEEN...
WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING IS,

BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAD
SUCH STRICT CURFEWS,

AND NOW I'VE BEEN LETTING HER,
LIKE,

COME HOME LATER AND, LIKE, JUST,
"WAKE ME WHEN YOU'RE HOME."

WHAT IS BELLA'S CURFEW?

'CAUSE ALEXIA'S ALWAYS MIDNIGHT.

- WELL, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN,
YOU KNOW, BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

YOU SHOULD TRUST NOW
THAT YOU'VE DONE THE RIGHT JOB

FOR SIX YEARS.

- I KNOW.
I'VE GOT TO GET TO THAT.

- THERE'S A TIME, YOU KNOW,
TO GIVE THEM THE FREEDOM

AND TO SEE WHAT THEY'RE GOING
TO DO WITH IT.

AND I PRAY THAT IT WILL BE
THE RIGHT CHOICES

AND THE RIGHT THINGS
THAT KEEP THEM SAFE.

AND THAT'S THE MOST, YOU KNOW...

[people screaming]

HI, GUYS.

HAPPY SUMMER.

- THAT'S SO CUTE.

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE HAVING
SO MUCH FUN, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- WHY AM I HUNGRY AGAIN?
I FEEL...

- I'M HUNGRY AGAIN TOO.

- I KNOW. SHOULD WE GO BACK?

- I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.

I SWEAR THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU SAID THAT.

WE DIDN'T EAT ENOUGH.

- I KNOW, WE WERE GOSSIPING,
AND THEN WE DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING.

- HI, LADIES.
- HI.

- HOW ARE YOU?

- IS THIS THING FANCY OR CASUAL

OR WHAT DID THEY SAY
THE DRESS WAS?

- IT'S 110 DEGREES.

I WOULD SAY A THONG.

- OKAY, WELL, THE GAYS
WOULD LIKE THAT, I'M SURE.

- BUT THE WOULDN'T
APPRECIATE IT.

- NO, NOT WITH US IN A THONG.

- NO, EXACTLY.

- MAYBE KEN AND HARRY.

LISA VANDERPUMP
HAS A WICKED SENSE OF HUMOR.

I JUST FEEL LIKE
WE COULD GET INTO TROUBLE.

IT'S... YOU KNOW, I DON'T FEEL
LIKE THAT WITH MANY PEOPLE.

- ALL THESE LONG DRESSES...
- THIS IS CUTE

- OH, NO, NOT THAT COLOR.

- TOO BRIGHT?
- YEAH.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,
I LIKE TO BE NOTICED.

I'M... I WON'T DO THAT
AT YOUR EVENT, THOUGH.

I PROMISE.

IF LISA AND I WERE LEFT
TO OUR OWN DEVICES FOR TOO LONG,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.

- NO, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

- OKAY, THESE ARE...

- HOW MUCH ROSE DID I HAVE
AT LUNCHTIME?

- NOT VERY MUCH, ACTUALLY.

- HALF A GLASS, AND I'M
PUTTING ON MY CLOTHES BACKWARDS.

- OKAY, WHICH ONE AM I...

- OKAY, THIS IS CUTE
FOR SLOUGHING AROUND.

- I LIKE THAT. YOU NEED THAT.

I NEED A BOTTOM.

- NO, YOU DON'T.
- I DO.

- JUST COME OUT.

[laughter]

LISA DOESN'T TAKE HERSELF
TOO SERIOUSLY.

AND THAT WORKS REALLY WELL
WITH ME.

WE CAN KIND OF HAVE
A LAUGH TOGETHER.

- I THINK IT'S TAKING TOO LONG.

- I AGREE. I'M STUCK, THOUGH.

ONE SECOND.

THIS IS A COMPLICATED DRESS.

COME ON; YOU'D BETTER GET OUT
HERE, AND IT BETTER BE WORTH IT.

- SHUT UP. I'M COMING.

IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES
TO GET INTO.

- [laughs]

- BUT IT'S FABULOUS.

- I'M NOT SURE.

- I KNOW. IT'S NOT RIGHT.

- IF YOU SHOW UP IN THAT,

THEY'RE DEFINITELY GONNA
TAKE IT BACK.

- WOULD YOU JUST SEND ME HOME?

WOULD YOU SAY, "OKAY, YOU, GO."

- NO, I WOULDN'T.
I PROMISE YOU I WOULDN'T.

I WOULDN'T; I'D JUST PRETEND
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU.

I'D SAY,
"WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?"

- AND YOU WOULD.

YOU WOULD JUST IGNORE ME.

[upbeat latin-tinged music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- YES, WE'VE GOT TO TRY IT.
I'M EXCITED.

- I'VE TRIED IT BEFORE,
AND TRUST ME,

I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS STUFF.

- AND WE'RE GONNA REALLY
DO THIS.

- HOLY TOLEDO.

- WE ARE GOING TO PUSH
THE ENVELOPE, GIRLFRIEND.

- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

- YOLANDA IS TORTURING ME.
- WHY?

- WE'RE... WE'RE GONNA BOND
OUR FRIENDSHIP.

- ARE YOU GONNA JUMP?
- OH, GOD.

- YEAH.
- WHOO!

- COME ON.
- I DON'T WANT TO. I'M SCARED.

- COME ON. STAND HERE.
- JUMP. JUMP.

- COME ON. STAND WITH ME.

HOLD MY HAND.

- [bleep]. I'M SORRY.

NO, WAIT ONE SECOND.
OH, MOTHER[bleep].

OH, MY GOD. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

WHY DO I THINK...
WHAT IF I HAVE A HEART ATTACK?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A RELAXING VACATION.

HONEY,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUMP OFF FIRST.

I NEED TO HAVE MO GO FIRST.

I NEED TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE
DO IT; I'M SORRY.

WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?

YOU JUMP OFF IF YOU WANT.

ENJOY YOURSELF.

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.

HAVE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE.
JUMP OFF A BOAT.

STAY ON THE BOAT. I DON'T CARE.

WHAT DO YOU CARE WHAT I DO?

- YOU GO FIRST, AND THEN MAYBE
I WON'T BE AS SCARED.

- OKAY, ONE, TWO, GO.

WHOO.

- [bleep].

- ALL RIGHT,
NOW I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.

- YOU CAN DO IT, KYLE.
JUMP. JUMP NOW.

YOUR KIDS ARE WATCHING.

PULL IT TOGETHER. JUST GO. JUMP.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
THERE'S NO SHARKS DOWN THERE.

I'M TELLING YOU, JUMP.

GETTING READY. AND THREE, GO.

MOTHER[bleep].

[together] WHOO!

WHOO! WHOO!

- YOU DID IT.

- DOESN'T THAT WATER FEEL GOOD?

- OH, MY GOD.

- GOOD JOB.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

- MY HEART IS POUNDING
OUT OF MY BODY, THOUGH.

- YOU DID IT.

- MOM, YOU DID IT!

- YAY.

I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.

EVERYBODY LIED TO ME.

"OH, YOU'RE GONNA FEEL SO GOOD
WHEN YOU LAND IN THE WATER.

"YOU'RE GONNA BE SO RELIEVED.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD
OF YOURSELF."

REALLY?
GET ME BACK ON THE YACHT.

- YOU DID IT. HIGH FIVE.

THAT'S AWESOME.

I LOVE IT.

- OH, MY GOD.

[upbeat music]

- I FEEL LIKE I'M IN HEAVEN
RIGHT NOW.

- THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY,
WASN'T IT?

- AMAZING.
- AMAZING.

IT'S LIKE A WHOLE FAMILY
FLOATING AROUND.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE SCARY.

- IT'S FUN, THOUGH.

IT'S REALLY FUN.

[phone rings]

- ALEXIA...

- HELLO.

- CAREFUL WITH THE BINOCULARS.

- HI.

THE MINUTE I ANSWERED, I KNEW.

MY HEART JUST SANK IN MY SHOES.

- NO SERVICE?

- NO, IT'S THE HOUSE CALLING,
BUT...

- YOUR HOUSE?

- LIKE,
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG,

AND HE WAS SAYING, "WELL,
I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU NOW,"

AND... AND I'M LIKE,
"JUST SAY IT,"

BUT I COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK,

BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING
SO SERIOUS.

WITH THE WHAT?

AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL, BELLA"...

WHAT BELLA? W-WHAT?

I FEEL SICK IN MY STOMACH.

- COMING UP...

YOLANDA.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- YEAH, NO,
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

I JUST... I JUST...

I'M TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER,
BUT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME.

AND I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT SHE'S OKAY.

DAVID TOLD ME THAT BELLA
HAD GOTTEN A DUI.

I DON'T THINK IN 19 YEARS
OF BEING A PARENT

I'VE EVER FELT THAT...

COLLAPSE INSIDE,
THAT OVERWHELMED INSIDE,

THAT FEELING OF...

I MEAN,
I COULDN'T EVEN CATCH MY BREATH.

SO DISAPPOINTED BY HER CHOICE.

IT'S SUCH DEVASTATING NEWS.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

HOW... HOW DID SHE MAKE
THAT DECISION, YOU KNOW?

IT IS SHOCKING
THAT SHE WOULD MAKE, YOU KNOW,

THAT SHE MADE THAT CHOICE.

I THOUGHT THE LAST THING
THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN

IS FOR BELLA TO HAVE A DRINK
AND GET IN A CAR,

BUT, YOU KNOW, SHE DID.

- I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON YOLANDA.

- WELL,
I'M MORE CONCERNED ABOUT,

YOU KNOW,
THE THOUGHT THAT SHE MAKES...

HAS SUCH BAD JUDGMENT
TO GET INTO A CAR.

I ALREADY LOST MY DAD
IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

LIKE, I CAN'T... I CAN'T EVEN...

THE THOUGHT OF THAT IS...

I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN
HOW THAT FEELS.

AND I WAS SCARED THAT MAYBE,
YOU THAT...

THAT IS JUST
REALLY BAD JUDGMENT.

- YOLANDA,

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- YEAH, OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

- EVERYTHING OKAY?

- I JUST WANTED TO RUN
TO THE AIRPORT

AND GET ON WHATEVER FLIGHT
I COULD BE IN, YOU KNOW,

OVER CHINA TO GET HOME
TO BELLA AS FAST AS I COULD.

- GO GET A LITTLE SANDWICH,
AND THEN I'LL BE BACK.

- ALL RIGHT.

LIKE, IT MAKES YOU FEEL, LIKE,
SO HELPLESS.

NOW I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT.

- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- YOLANDA, YOU READY
TO HEAD BACK HOME?

- CAN'T WAIT.

I'M TRYING TO NOT HAVE
A TOTAL BLOWN OUT MELTDOWN.

- DID YOU KILL ANYONE?

- NOT YET.

- [laughs]

- I RAPED A PRIEST,
NOT ONE OF MY FINEST MOMENTS.

- WE ARE BACK ON
BRANDI GLANVILLE UNFILTERED.

THE ONLY REASON I WOULD
TONE IT DOWN IS FOR MONEY.

FAMILY FRIENDLY
ALL DAY LONG, BITCH.

- I'M LIKE,
"ARE YOU [bleep] SERIOUS?

[bleep] YOU."

- I JUST HAVE A LITTLE KNOT
IN MY STOMACH,

BECAUSE IT JUST THREW ME OFF.

- IT WAS A TRAGIC MISTAKE.

- YEAH.

- KYLE,
BROOKE IS GETTING MARRIED.

- I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

- I NOW DECLARE THAYER
AND BROOKE

HUSBAND AND WIFE.

[cheers and applause]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE LADY OF THE HOUR,

LISA VANDERPUMP.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

- TO LEARN MORE ABOUT
THE HOUSEWIVES,