The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Who Stalked J.R.? - full transcript

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- THEY REALLY DO HAVE SOMETHING
SPECIAL, I'M JUST GONNA SAY.

- UNFORTUNATELY, EVERY TIME
I GO IN DEEPER, HE PULLS AWAY.

IT'S A GIANT CATASTROPHE.

- HELLO, GORGEOUS!
- HOW ARE YOU?

- HI, BABY!

I'M AN ENTERTAINER, YOU KNOW?

I'M AN ACTOR SLASH ENTERTAINER.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE [bleep] I AM, REALLY.

- IT ALL GOT TOO COMPLICATED.
- HANDLE THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

- IT GOT TOO BITCHY,
GOT TOO AGGRESSIVE.



I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE,
TO BE HONEST.

- ME, EITHER.

- AT SOME POINT I THOUGHT,

I NEVER WANT TO SEE
ANY OF THESE WOMEN AGAIN.

- I MEAN, HOW ARE YOU 75
AND ROLLING YOUR EYES?

WE MAKE EACH OTHER ANGRY,

AND IT BRINGS OUT THE WORST
OUT OF ALL OF US.

AND I DON'T WANT
IT TO BE WEIRD WITH US.

- THROW ME TO THE WOLVES

AND I SHALL RETURN
LEADING THE PACK.

- CHARACTER ISN'T WHAT YOU HAVE.

IT'S WHO YOU ARE.

- YOU'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT ME,

BUT IT'S ONLY TRUE
WHEN IT COMES FROM MY LIPS.



- I'M NOT A BITCH,

BUT I'VE PLAYED ONE ON TV.

- I'VE BEEN RICH
AND I'VE BEEN FAMOUS,

BUT HAPPINESS BEATS THEM BOTH.

- I'D RATHER SPEND MY LIFE
KICKING ASS

THAN KISSING IT.

- PLANES AND YACHTS ARE NICE,

BUT MY HAPPINESS STARTS AT HOME.

- YOU GUYS CAN UNPACK MY PURSES,
IF YOU WANT.

- HELLO.
- HELLO?

- HELLO!

- HI! OH, I LOVE YOUR HOUSE.

OH, MY GOD.

- YOU LOOK SO TAN!

- I WAS MORE TAN THE OTHER DAY.
- YOU WERE.

WE ALL WERE. HOW ARE YOU?

- BRANDI, THIS IS SO GORGEOUS.

I JUST...
I FORGOT YOUR GIFT AT HOME.

I WENT TO LOOK AT...

- STOP IT. YOU'RE HERE.
THAT'S MY GIFT.

I AM A PROFESSIONAL MOVER
AT THIS POINT,

BECAUSE I'VE MOVED FIVE HOUSES
IN FIVE YEARS.

I HAVE, LIKE, THREE GIANT TRUCKS
OF STUFF COMING.

- HOW ARE YOU, LOVE?

- OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS AFFECTING
MY CHILDREN IN THE FACT

THAT WE HAD
TO KEEP BOUNCING AROUND.

AND, YOU KNOW,
I WANT THEM TO BE SETTLED.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- YOU TOO.

- GOT MY LITTLE CREW.
THEY'RE HELPING ME OUT HERE.

IT JUST MIGHT MEAN THAT
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GYPSIES.

LIKE, MAYBE WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO MOVE EVERY YEAR.

MAYBE IT'S, LIKE,
A CLEANSING SITUATION.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'M STILL, OBVIOUSLY,
TRYING TO UNPACK.

- I CAN HELP YOU UNPACK.

- THAT'S REALLY SWEET OF YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- NO, I WANT TO.
- THAT'S REALLY SWEET.

- I WANT TO.

UM, BUT I WANTED TO ASK YOU,
LIKE,

WHAT HAPPENED WITH ADRIENNE
THE OTHER NIGHT?

'CAUSE I KNOW THAT IT'S, LIKE...

I KNOW THAT YOU SAID
IT WAS KIND OF AWKWARD.

- WELL, RIGHT WHEN I WALKED IN,

SHE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT
OF THE DOORWAY.

SO I JUST WENT OVER TO HER...
- RIGHT.

- AND I SAID, "YOU WANT
TO TALK FOR A SECOND?"

AND THEN WE... 'CAUSE I
DIDN'T WANT TO CAUSE DRAMA...

BUT I JUST SAID, "HEY,
YOU KNOW, A LOT WAS SAID."

- HOW DARE YOU? WHY HAVE YOU
ATTACKED ME SO MALICIOUSLY?

- ADRIENNE,
YOU'RE FULL OF [bleep] [bleep].

SERIOUSLY?

I HAVE A TEMPER, 'CAUSE I...

WHEN SOMEONE BITES ME,
I BITE BACK HARDER,

BECAUSE I'M A BRAT, YOU KNOW.

BUT YOU KNOW,
I JUST WANT TO CLEAR THE AIR.

- I JUST THINK BRANDI'S
GROWN SO MUCH IN THIS LAST YEAR.

SHE'S ACKNOWLEDGED HER MISTAKES,

AND SHE CAN SAY,
"I'M SORRY" TODAY.

THAT'S HUGE.

[horn honks]

- HELLO.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?

HI! NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

- I HEARD YOU GUYS
HAVE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD.

- WE HAVE.
- MY MOVERS DO A GREAT JOB.

I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST COUGAR
ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW.

AND THEY'RE EASY ON THE EYES.

THAT CAN GO
IN THE, UM, UH, GARAGE.

- WHAT IS THAT?
- I MEAN... MY STRIPPER POLE.

THAT'S JAKE'S ROOM,
THE MIDDLE ROOM.

OVER THERE. THEY'RE DINING. OOH.

THERE'S A LOT WITH ME
THAT'S CHANGED.

JUST... I'M IN A DIFFERENT SPACE
RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN A HEADSPACE
THAT I'M MOVING FORWARD,

PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE.

MUCH BETTER, GIRLS AND BOYS.

COME SIT.
I'M REALIZING, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN DO THIS. I-I-I CAN DO IT.

- BRANDI,
WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS ONE?

- OH, WHO IS...
- THAT'S ME.

- IS THAT YOU?
- YEAH.

- I WAS GONNA SAY,
THAT LOOKS FAMILIAR.

- IS THAT YOUR LITTLE
NAKED TUSH?

- JAKE RYAN IS CUTE AND YOUNG

AND CUTE AND YOUNG.

- SO BRANDI'S GONNA TIP
YOU GUYS,

BUT I HAVE 150
FOR WHOEVER HAS THE BEST ABS.

AN EXTRA $150.

- IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME...
- UH!

- THAT IS...
- WHAT DOES IT SAY?

- OH, IT'S THE WHOLE STATE?

- MY MOM TAUGHT ME
NOT TO GET TATTOOS.

- ME TOO! OH, MY GOD,
WE SHOULD TOTALLY HANG OUT.

I DIDN'T PLAN
ON SEXUALLY HARASSING MY MOVERS,

BUT THE BOYS WERE CUTE.

- WOW.
- I MEAN, YOU GUYS LOOK GOOD.

YOU LOOK GOOD,
BUT WE'RE GONNA NEED EVERYBODY.

AND MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH J.R. IS...

REALLY COMPLICA...
IT'S COMPLICATED.

J.R. DECIDED... IT'S A LONG STORY,
BUT BASICALLY,

THE GIRL HE CHEATED ON ME
WITH IS NOW LIVING OUT HERE,

AND THEY'RE TOGETHER.

- WASN'T IT IN EUROPE?
- YEAH.

SO I'M JUST GONNA
GET MY BOYFRIEND BACK.

- YOU WOULDN'T STILL
WANT HIM BACK.

- MAYBE.
- YOU DO?

I MEAN, HE'S STILL SEEING YOU?

- A LOT OF, LIKE, MAKING OUT.

A LOT OF PHONE SEX.

J.R. DOESN'T REALLY GET TO HAVE
AN OPINION ON WHO'S IN MY BED.

LET'S DO IT AT THE SAME TIME.

ONE... OH... - HMM.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK YOU BOTH LOOK GREAT.

I'M GOING ON THE RIGHT.

- I THINK THERE ARE OTHER WAYS
WE COULD GET OVER J.R.

- ALL RIGHT,
SO HERE'S YOUR EXTRA BOOK MONEY.

- YEAH.
- BACK TO WORK.

- ALL RIGHT.

- HELLO.
- HI, LISA. HOW ARE YOU?

- I AM FINE, THANK YOU. COME IN.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.

- I'M LIKING THAT COLOR ALREADY.
- I KNOW.

- SHALL I TAKE THIS FROM YOU?
- YOU DON'T MIND.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. - OKAY, GOOD.

SHOULD WE GO UPSTAIRS? - SURE.

- I ALWAYS HAVE MY SHIRTS MADE
BY THIS SHOP IN BEVERLY HILLS.

SO CLAIRE COMES OVER
EVERY FEW MONTHS, REALLY,

AND WE JUST KIND OF DESIGN
THEM TOGETHER.

AND I LOVE IT.

I THINK I LIKE THE VANDERPUMP
RATHER THAN LISA.

- JUST LISA?
OKAY, WE CAN DO THAT.

- WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.
YOU DID THAT SO BEAUTIFULLY.

- THAT'S WONDERFUL TOO.

- MAYBE I LIKE THAT TOO.

- YEAH, WE CAN DO IT
IN DIFFERENT COLORS.

- I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE
MUCH TIME TO SHOP,

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS SO BUSY
WORKING.

SO REALLY, IT'S A LUXURY THAT I
WOULDN'T GIVE UP FOR THE WORLD.

MAGDALENA, COULD I HAVE
TWO CUPS OF TEA?

OH, HELLO, PINK DOG.

MAGDALENA HAS WORKED FOR ME
FOR ONLY ABOUT A YEAR NOW.

SHE WORKS ALONGSIDE ROCIO.

- DID I HEAR YOU ORDER IN TEA?
- YEAH.

DO YOU WANT A CUP OF TEA?

- PLEASE.

- QUITE A FUNNY STORY.

I WAS DRIVING UP THE HILL,
AND SHE WAS WALKING UP.

AND IT'S AN ARDUOUS KIND
OF PATH IN THE HEAT.

- WE COULD DO IT
IN CHARMEUSE SILK,

CREPE DE CHINE, AND CHIFFON.

- MAGDALENA, CAN I GET A TEA
AS WELL, PLEASE?

- SHE WAS GOING
FOR AN INTERVIEW SOMEWHERE ELSE.

SO I SAID,
"WELL, LET ME TAKE YOU."

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GET IN.

SHE THOUGHT I, YOU KNOW,
WAS GOING TO KIDNAP HER.

- AND WHAT'S THE COLORS
WE CAN PUT THE CRYSTALS?

AND HERE ARE ALL THE CRYSTALS
THAT ARE AVAILABLE IN STOCK.

- OKAY.
AND I GAVE HER MY NUMBER,

AND I SAID, "IF YOU DON'T
GET THE JOB, CALL ME."

OH, PERFECT, THANK YOU.

UM, OKAY, COULD YOU PUT
IT UP THERE, MAGDALENA, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.
SHE DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

SHE CALLED ME.
AND SHE'S BEEN HERE EVER SINCE.

ONE GOOD DEED DESERVES ANOTHER.

DO YOU WANT A SHIRT, DARLING?

- NO, NOT TODAY.

- I FEEL BAD
ORDERING ALL OF THEM.

I HAVE BEEN WORKING LIKE A DOG.

NOT ONE OF MY DOGS,
BUT SOMEBODY ELSE'S DOG.

- CAN YOU CHECK
ON THE DOG SITUATION?

HONEY, I DON'T WANT
TO LEAVE THEM.

THEY GET SO DEPRESSED.

I MEAN,
AND THEY'RE GONNA LOVE THE LAKE.

WE CAN'T LEAVE THEM.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- I SAY WE JUST TAKE THEM,
AT THIS POINT.

IT'S A LITTLE TOO LATE...
- WELL, WHAT IF WE GET...

I GET SCARED TO BREAK THE RULES.

- OH, MY GOD.
RULES, RULES. WHATEVER.

IT'S, LIKE, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- YEAH, BUT IF WE GET THERE,
WHAT DO WE DO IF THEY SAY NO?

GONNA SLEEP ON THE... OUTSIDE?
- NO, HONEY.

I MEAN, THEY'RE GONNA
SLEEP WHERE YOU SLEEP.

WHO'S GONNA SAY NO?

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A CHAPERONE ON YOU?

- YOU'RE ALREADY STICKING ME
ON A SMALL PLANE

AND GIVING ME ENOUGH STRESS
AS IT IS.

WE ARE LEAVING FOR LAKE TAHOE,

AND MY HUSBAND IS TAKING US
ON A PRIVATE PLANE

THAT HE LOVES A LOT.

- IT'S A PERFECT PLANE
FOR TAHOE.

THAT'S THE PLANE YOU WANT.

- MY HUSBAND
LIKES TO FLY PRIVATE

BECAUSE HE CAN'T STAND GOING
TO AN AIRPORT WITH ALL THE KIDS.

IT SOUNDS SO BAD,
BUT IT'S THE TRUTH.

DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO TALK TO
KEN AT ALL AT THE WHITE PARTY?

- VERY QUICKLY. DID YOU?

- I SPOKE A LITTLE BIT
TO EVERYBODY.

IT WAS REALLY NICE. - YEAH.

- I KNOW THAT BRANDI AND LISA,
YOU KNOW,

THAT WAS COMPLETELY AWKWARD
AT FIRST.

I FELT LIKE BRANDI
WAS, LIKE, HIDING.

- OH, REALLY?

- I COULD TELL
SHE FELT OUT OF PLACE.

- I WENT TO THE PARTY
JUST TO HAVE FUN.

THERE WAS SO MUCH NASTINESS
THAT WENT DOWN.

I REALLY THOUGHT THAT
I NEVER WANTED TO SEE

ANY OF THEM AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

- I DIDN'T EITHER.
- I KNOW.

WHAT HURT ME WAS THE WAY THEY
SYSTEMATICALLY GANGED UP ON ME,

ONE AFTER THE OTHER.

- I'M HEARING
TWO DIFFERENT STORIES.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

- OKAY, WHO DO YOU BELIEVE,
THEN?

- KEN,
WHY ARE YOU GETTING INVOLVED?

YOU WEREN'T THERE.
- DON'T BE SO STUPID.

- DON'T CALL ME STUPID.

- FRIENDSHIP IS BASED
ON LOYALTY.

WHEN THAT LOYALTY IS GONE,
WHAT DO YOU HAVE LEFT?

IS IT SUPERFICIAL?

IS IT AIR KISSING? [bleep].

BUT KYLE KIND OF REACHED
OUT TO ME, AND SO DID YOLANDA,

AND I GUESS I JUST, YOU KNOW,
GOT TO PUT THE PAST BEHIND ME.

JUST REMEMBER
WHO CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE

AND WHAT THEY'RE CAPABLE OF.

SOME RELATIONSHIPS
WILL BE CHANGED FOREVER.

I CAN'T SAY THAT I'M GONNA
FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME,

BECAUSE I'M NOT.

AND THERE'S NOTHING
THAT WILL CHANGE THAT.

- I SAW... I DIDN'T GET TO HEAR.

BUT I SAW THAT BRANDI
AND ADRIENNE WERE, LIKE,

TALKING IN THE LIVING ROOM.
- YEAH?

- I WONDER
WHAT THEY WERE SAYING.

I NEED TO FIND OUT. I'M CURIOUS.

- [sighs]

- 'CAUSE, REMEMBER HOW LONG IT'S
BEEN SINCE THEY HAVE SPOKEN.

DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT WHOLE THING?

- THEN YOU MADE SOME COMMENTS...
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

AND YOU LIE. YOU LIE CONSTANTLY.

[bleep] YOU.

- YOU'RE A PIECE OF [bleep].

- THAT WAS KIND OF,
LIKE, THE BREAKING POINT

BETWEEN ADRIENNE AND PAUL,
ALMOST, TOO.

- WELL, OBVIOUSLY
THEY HAVE OTHER ISSUES.

- OF COURSE. THAT'S... YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BLAME IT ON BRANDI.

- PRIMARILY,
I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO ENGAGE.

I REALLY DON'T.
IT WAS JUST TOO VICIOUS.

I'VE BEEN A GOOD FRIEND TO YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY UPSET
ME IS WHEN...

- NO, I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW,
AND I DON'T CARE,

BECAUSE THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

THIS IS WHAT UPSET ME.

THIS IS NOT LISA BEING SAD.

THIS IS BRANDI
WANTING AN ANSWER.

- I SEE WHO SHE IS.

AND THAT'S IT. IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

- COMING UP...

- OH, THIS IS A GOOD PART
FOR ME.

"SHE'S TRYING TO STAY YOUTHFUL
AND RELATABLE..."

both: "WITH HIGHLIGHTS."

- HONEY, WE'VE GOT
TO GET GOING SOON.

HOW'S YOUR TIME?

- NOT GOOD.

I'M HAVING SO MANY ISSUES
RIGHT NOW.

HONEY, YOU FORGOT MY SHAMPOO.

- WELL,
WE HAVE SUCH AN AWKWARD FAMILY.

- WE'RE LATE.

- I REALLY HOPE IT'S NOT BUMPY.
- ME TOO.

- WHY DO YOU SAY THAT NOW,
ONCE I'M IN THE CAR?

- I DON'T WANT IT TO BE BUMPY.

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE.

- OH, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE.

[laughs]

- I'M GLAD
YOU THINK IT'S SO FUNNY.

WHEN MAURICIO
AND I WERE FIRST MARRIED,

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

AND I CAN REMEMBER GOING TO
THE AIRPORT AND TELLING THE KIDS

TO PRETEND THEY WERE UNDER TWO,
AND THEY WERE, LIKE, FOUR.

AND I'D BE, LIKE,
"SAY GOO-GOO, GAH-GAH"

SO THAT I DIDN'T HAVE
TO GET THEM A SEAT.

I FEEL LIKE
I'M FORGETTING STUFF.

DON'T YOU FEEL
LIKE WE'RE FORGETTING SOMETHING?

- OH, MY GOD!

I FORGOT TO TAKE OUT
UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS.

- WELL, YOU DO THAT A LOT.

HONEY. I WILL BE PICKING.

I'M GONNA GET YOU
LITTLE TIGHTY-WHITIES.

- OH, MY GOD.

HI. GOOD AFTERNOON.

TAIL NUMBER EIGHT, 801 UP.

THANK YOU.

THERE'S OUR LITTLE PLANE.

I LOVE OUR PLANE.

- THIS IS A NEW THING FOR US,
THAT MAURICIO GETS A PLANE.

I JUST WORRY
BECAUSE WITH PORTIA,

HER LIFE IS VERY DIFFERENT
THAN IT WAS FOR THE OTHER KIDS.

- SO WHAT'S UP, MAN?
EVERYTHING GOOD?

HOW LONG IS OUR FLIGHT
TO TAHOE TODAY?

- AN HOUR AND A HALF.
- LOOK AT YOU, MAMACITA.

YOU EXCITED?

CHLOE, ARE YOU EXCITED
TO GO TO THE LAKE?

WITH PORTIA'S SISTERS,
EVERY TIME WAS A ROAD TRIP.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE WOULD GET
ONE HOTEL ROOM AND SHARE IT ALL.

- CAN WE JUST GO IN ALREADY?

- AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT PORTIA STAYS DOWN-TO-EARTH

AND APPRECIATES
EVERY LITTLE THING THAT SHE HAS.

- AHEM.
SOMEBODY'S BAG IS IN MY FACE.

CAN WE GO NOW?

DO I HAVE TO BUCKLE?

- YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DO.

- WHY?

- OH, MY GOD.

- OH, IT'S HOT.

MOM.

MOM!

- HONEY, COULD YOU GET ME
A GLASS OF WINE, STAT?

- THERE YOU GO.

- THANK YOU.

- [laughs]

- HI.

- HI, HONEY.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- OH, MY GOD,
IT'S BEEN JUST TOO LONG.

- I KNOW.
I'M SO SWEATY, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS WHY I STAY
IN MY AIR-CONDITIONING

AT THE OFFICE, 68 DEGREES.

WELL, THEY HAVE TO WEAR,
LIKE, PARKAS IN THE OFFICE.

- DO THEY?
- OF COURSE.

THE KING KIND
OF GETS WHAT HE WANTS.

- THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.

KING GETS WHAT HE WANTS.

NICK IS THIS NEW AGENT TO ME
WHO IS A HUSTLER.

- HI, FOLKS. HOW WE DOING?
- HI.

- HOW ARE YOU?

- CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING
TO DRINK TO START?

- I WOULD THINK SO, YES.

I WOULD LOVE AN ICED TEA
WITH LEMON.

HE'S 25 YEARS OLD.

AND AT THIS POINT IN MY CAREER,

I NEED SOMEONE WHO IS WORKING
DAY AND [bleep] NIGHT.

I WANT JUST, LIKE,
A NICE VEGAN SALAD.

NOTHING WITH MEAT.

- I WOULD DEFINITELY SUGGEST THE
FRANK STALLONE BABY KALE SALAD.

- OKAY. I WILL EAT ANYTHING
THAT'S NAMED FRANK STALLONE.

I LOVE HIM.
- I'M GOOD WITH THE WATER.

- OKAY. GOOD.
- THANK YOU.

- I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM
AND SAY, FRANK, I JUST ATE YOU.

- I ATE YOUR SALAD.
- OKAY.

- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
YOU SAW THE MOVIE SCREAM, YEAH?

THERE WAS SCREAM I, II, III, IV,
BLAH BLAH BLAH.

- YES.

- OKAY, THEY'RE MAKING
IT A SERIES NOW.

- SHUT UP.
- YEAH.

- OF COURSE THEY ARE.
- SO IT'S MTV.

- OH, IT'S BOB AND HARVEY.
- YEAH.

I WANT YOU TO SEE
IF YOU RESPOND TO THE MATERIAL.

- OH, THIS IS A GOOD PART
FOR ME.

"SHE'S TRYING TO STAY
YOUTHFUL AND RELATABLE..."

both: "WITH HIGHLIGHTS."

- I MEAN...
- I JUST GOT THAT PART.

TO STAY RELEVANT,

I REALLY HAVE HAD
TO REINVENT MYSELF

OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND OVER AGAIN.

I'M GAME... PRETTY MUCH
TO DO ANYTHING.

- YOU'RE DOWN.
- YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO TRY
TO BREAK THE MOLD.

I'D LIKE TO TRY TO DO THINGS
THAT PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA THAT...

- YOU CAN DO IT.
- I COULD DO.

- RIGHT.

I THINK WE DEFINITELY NEED
TO WORK ON

THE BRANDING
AND THE ENDORSEMENTS.

THAT'S A BIG, BIG THING.

- WELL, ABSOLUTELY.
- FOR SURE.

YOU CAN EITHER
SIT AND DO NOTHING,

OR YOU CAN BE PROACTIVE
AND DO A LOT OF THINGS.

- LISA HAS TRIED ON,
AND IS CURRENTLY WEARING,

THE NEW DEPENDS SILHOUETTE
FOR WOMEN,

THE WOMEN'S BRIEFS
THAT LOOK, FIT,

AND FEEL JUST LIKE UNDERWEAR.

- THAT DEPENDS JOB
SAVED OUR BACON.

I GOT PAID MORE MONEY TO DO THAT
THAN I'VE GOTTEN PAID

TO DO ANYTHING EVER IN MY LIFE.

AND I JUST WAS, LIKE,
WINKING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK.

LET'S GET A MEETING
ON ALL OF THEM.

- OKAY,
SO YOU'RE WILLING TO GO...

- YEAH, I'LL GO, FOR SURE.
- OKAY. OKAY.

- I'LL DO ANYTHING
TO MAKE A BUCK.

I DON'T SAY NO VERY MUCH.
I SAY YES.

FRANK, YOU'RE YUMMY.

- FRANK, YOU TASTE YUMMY.

- THIS WILL BE FUN.

EXCITED.

- BEAUTIFUL DAY.
- ISN'T IT?

- MOHAMED IS ONE
OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS.

SO ANY WOMAN THAT'S GOING
TO COME INTO HIS LIFE

IS GONNA
HAVE TO GET BY ME FIRST.

LET'S GO TO MICHAEL BEAUDRY.

HE'S GOT SOME GREAT STUFF.

HE MADE MY RING. - REALLY?

- YEAH. BUT YOU DON'T NEED
ANOTHER RING JUST YET.

HELLO. - WELL, HELLO.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.

- I'M SHIVA.
- MICHAEL BEAUDRY.

- NICE MEETING YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

HEY, LOVE. - KISS ME. YEAH.

- OH, OKAY.
ARE WE DOING TWO OR THREE?

- I THINK TWO'S ENOUGH.
- OKAY.

- OH, LOOK AT THAT.

- OH, WOW.

- LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT.

- OH, MY GOD. THAT IS SO UNIQUE.

- IS THIS FOR AN ANNIVERSARY?

- WELL, ANNIVERSARY
AND BIRTHDAY ARE BOTH COMING UP,

SO HE SAID TO ME, "GO OUT
AND HAVE A LOOK AROUND."

- MAYBE WE SHOULD LOOK
AT TWO PIECES.

- I ALWAYS HAVE A BIT
OF ADVICE FOR LADIES.

DON'T PUT OUT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
OR YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU HAVE TO PUT OUT
WEEKS BEFORE.

IN FACT,
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A RING.

- OH, THAT IS STUNNING.
- COME OFF...

- IT'S NOT COMING OFF.

- THAT REALLY IS VERY PRETTY,
ISN'T IT?

- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- HOW MUCH IS THAT?

- $64,000.

- THAT'S VERY SWEET, ISN'T IT.
LOOK AT THAT. HOW MUCH IS HE?

- SO YOU'VE GOT
PINK AND YELLOW DIAMONDS.

THE PENDANT IS $72,000.

- OH, WOW.

- WHAT WILL I HAVE TO DO
FOR THIS?

I'LL GIVE FAVORS.

- I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN ACCEPT FAVORS.

WE DO ACCEPT CASH,
MASTERCARD, VISA.

- YOU'LL BE OWING ME MONEY
BY THE TIME WE'RE FINISHED.

SHIVA TOTALLY GETS
MY SENSE OF HUMOR,

AND I THINK WHEN A WOMAN
IS REALLY SECURE,

YOU CAN LAUGH ABOUT THINGS.

- I LIKE THE LENGTH.
- I'VE HEARD THAT ABOUT YOU.

- THAT LENGTH IS REALLY GOOD.

- SHE'S SO BAD.

- YOU'RE THE ONLY FRIEND
LEFT THAT I CAN JOKE WITH.

- HE'LL TAKE YOU LITERALLY.

- SOMETIMES
WITH THE OTHER WOMEN,

IT BECOMES LABORIOUS ABOUT,
YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE QUESTIONING
EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAY.

OKAY, THEN, LET'S GO
INTO THE PRIVATE ROOM, SHALL WE?

- SURE.
- IT'S RIGHT HERE.

- FOR A THREESOME?
- YEAH.

SO WITH SHIVA
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT,

AND IT FEELS JUST LIKE
LIFE SHOULD BE...

REALLY BLOODY SIMPLE.

- OH, MY GOD.

I HAVE A FEELING SHE'S SOLD,

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S SOLD.

- THAT'S A PINK SAPPHIRE.

- FOR THE FIRST TIME,
SHE'S SPEECHLESS.

- HELLO.

I HAVE SOME SYMPATHY FOR BRANDI,

BECAUSE IN ME, SHE LOST
AN INCREDIBLY LOYAL FRIEND.

- IS THIS A LITTLE TOO HOOCHIE?
- FOR ME, YES.

FOR YOU, IT'S PERFECT.

- THANKS, MOM.

- TAKE HEED.

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
I THINK THIS IS SO PRETTY.

- SHOULD WE DARE TO ASK
HOW MUCH IT IS?

- OKAY, JUST...
- THAT'S THE FULL CAR.

- I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.
- IT'S THE FULL CAR?

ALL FOUR WHEELS.
- OH, STOP IT. IT'S NOT.

- IT'S... YEAH.

- I THINK I'D ALMOST
SELL GIGGY FOR THIS.

- NO.

- OKAY, I WOULDN'T SELL GIGGY,
BUT I'D...

I'D SELL KEN.

- COMING UP...

- I SWEAR, I THINK HE'S COMING.
- OH, MY GOD.

- I'M POSITIVE IT'S HIM.
- OH, MY GOD.

- I SWEAR TO GOD.

- HI, BABY.

- HI, MY LOVE.

- WOW.

YOU HAD A PLAN.

YOU HAD A PLAN!

- THAT CUTE?
- THIS IS SO CUTE.

- I GAVE THIS TO YOU
BEFORE I GOT SICK,

AND I FOUND IT IN YOUR CLOSET
AGAIN.

- YEAH, I KNOW. IT WAS IN A BIG,
BLACK BOX, RIGHT?

- YES. YES, YES, YES.
- I HAD IT...

I'M SPEECHLESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

SO CUTE. WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

- ALBERT AND BLANCA ARE GONE.

THE KIDS ARE GONE.

I GOT EVERYBODY... - LOOK AT YOU.

- I'VE BEEN COOKING
YOUR FAVORITE CHICKEN.

I LOVE YOU. - LOVE YOU TOO.

- I'M JUST GONNA CHECK ON IT.
- THAT'S SO AWESOME.

- I USED TO DO THESE THINGS
FOR MY HUSBAND ALL THE TIME.

BUT YOU KNOW, BEING SICK
FOR SO LONG, YOU KIND OF...

YOU LOSE YOUR SEXY A LITTLE BIT.

- the DISEASE IS UNDER CONTROL,

BUT IT'S GONNA TAKE
A LONG TIME TO RECOVER.

- I WANT TO SEE DAVID LOOK AT ME

LIKE I'M THE BEST THING
HE'S EVER SEEN.

AND SOMETIMES IT TAKES
A LITTLE LINGERIE TO DO THAT.

BUT GOT TO BE REALLY CAREFUL
HOW CLOSE YOU GET TO THE OVEN,

BECAUSE IT CAN GET HOT.

- WOW. BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT A GREAT IDEA.

- ROMANTIC NIGHT RIGHT AT HOME.

HOW IS THE CHICKEN? - PERFECT.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME
THAT YOU ASKED ME

TO MEET YOU AT THE HOTEL
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

YOU WERE SITTING IN THE BAR
IN AN OVERCOAT,

AND WE WERE IN THE CORNER.

AND WHEN NOBODY WAS LOOKING,
YOU WENT...

AND YOU WERE IN A RED LINGERIE.

IF ANYBODY HAD SEEN THAT,

THEY WOULD'VE THOUGHT
YOU WERE A HOOKER.

- YEAH, BUT I WOULD NEVER
LET ANYBODY SEE THAT.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THERE WAS, LIKE,
50 PEOPLE IN THE BAR.

- BUT IT WAS ONLY
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

- I KNOW, BUT IT WAS,
LIKE, PRETTY DANGEROUS...

WHICH MADE IT EXCITING.

- YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE BIT
DANGEROUS WITH YOUR OWN HUSBAND.

I TRY TO REALLY MAKE AN EFFORT
TO PUT ON HIS CALENDAR,

"WEDNESDAY NIGHT IS DATE NIGHT."

AND IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.

AND YOU KNOW, DAVID...
I THINK HE LOVES IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING TO GET
NERVOUS ABOUT BELLA MOVING HERE.

LIKE, IT'S OVERWHELMING.

I WISH NOTHING MORE
THAN YOU COME WITH ME...

- NO.

- AND YOU HELP ME UNPACK BOXES.
- I KNOW,

BUT I HAVE TO GO TO SHANGHAI.
- YEAH.

- YOU KNOW, AND I WISH YOU...
- I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

I WISH I COULD TOO.
- NO, I WANT YOU TO GO WITH ME.

- I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T, YOU KNOW.

BEING WITH BELLA
IS MY PRIORITY RIGHT NOW.

- I'M GOING IN, I'M GOING OUT.

FOUR DAYS. - YEAH.

- SO ARE YOU GOING TO BE A JUDGE
ON THE VOICE, OR...

- A MENTOR.
- MENTOR, YEAH. THAT'S SO GOOD.

- YEAH, AND FRANKLY,
I SPEAK MANDARIN TOO.

- DAVID HAS ALWAYS BEEN BUSY.

AND, YES, IT'S A CHALLENGE
TO GET HIM TO SLOW DOWN

AND KEEP OUR DATE NIGHTS
AND DO ROMANTIC THINGS.

I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT TO REALLY
WANT TO MAKE THAT WORK.

- I'M IN CHARGE OF DESSERT.

I WILL CLEAR THE TABLE. - OKAY.

- AND YOU JUST DON'T HAVE
TO DO ANYTHING.

- OH, I LOVE YOU, BABY.

THANK YOU.

- EXCEPT YOU HAVE TO BE DESSERT.

- OKAY. THAT'S GOOD.
- OKAY.

- I LIKE THAT. I LOVE YOU, BABY.

- THANK YOU.

- IS IT MY BFF?

- IT IS.

BLOND AND BLONDER.

- OH!
- ON A MISSION.

- WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.

ARE YOU WEARING THIS? - I AM.

- GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.

- YOU SLEPT WITH J.R.
- NO!

- WHAT?
- HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND.

I WOULD NEVER SLEEP WITH HIM.
- NO. OKAY.

- JAKE RYAN.

MY MOVER GUY?

THE CUTE ONE?

- MY MOM TAUGHT ME
NOT TO GET TATTOOS.

- ME TOO! OH, MY GOD,
WE SHOULD TOTALLY HANG OUT.

KIM AND I ARE EXTREMELY CLOSE.

WE HAVE GOTTEN MUCH CLOSER OVER
THE PAST FEW MONTHS.

AND I'M ALWAYS UP
TO DO SOMETHING

THAT'S A LITTLE NAUGHTY.

AND KIM'S JUST INSANE.

SO NAUGHTY AND INSANE, THEY
JUST KIND OF GO WELL TOGETHER.

WE DIDN'T SLEEP TOGETHER.

WE SLEPT TOGETHER
IN THE SAME BED,

- WAIT, WAIT...
- AND I HAVE THE HICKEYS.

- THE KID?

- HE'S 23!

I LIKE THE ENERGY
THE YOUNG GUNS HAVE.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE LITTLE BLUE PILLS

TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.
IT'S KIND OF HOT.

UNEXPECTED FUN.

- YEAH.
- MM-HMM.

RIGHT.

I HAVE A CHILD WHO'S 23.

TO ME, THIS IS A CHILD.

- J.R. AND I
AREN'T SLEEPING TOGETHER.

WE HAVE AN INAPPROPRIATE
RELATIONSHIP,

EMOTIONALLY, GOING ON.

- RIGHT, OKAY.

- HE'S SO CONFUSING
BECAUSE HE TELLS ME

HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME... - J.R.

- YES.
BUT HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER TOO.

I THINK HAVING A HUSBAND
CHEAT ON YOU

DEFINITELY WILL GIVE YOU
TRUST ISSUES FOR A LIFETIME

UNTIL YOU MEET THAT RIGHT PERSON
THAT WILL MAKE YOU TRUST AGAIN,

WHICH I HAVE NOT.

- I JUST FEEL LIKE MAYBE
IF YOU JUST SEE HIM WITH HER,

MAYBE IT'LL BE, LIKE, BOOM.

THE LIGHT WILL GO ON
IN YOUR HEAD AND SAY,

"I DON'T WANT A GUY LIKE THIS."

- I WANT TO BE STRONG
AND JUST WALK AWAY.

IT'S JUST SO HARD.

BUT THEN IF WE'RE DOING THIS,

DOES IT GIVE HIM MORE POWER...
- BUT HE'S NOT GONNA KNOW.

- HE'S GONNA
SEE YOUR YELLOW TOP.

- NO, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SCARVES
AND...

LET'S GO LOOK AT THE...
LET'S GO GET THE...

- OKAY.
- LET'S GO LOOK AT THE WIGS.

- OH, MY GOSH.

- HOW WOULD HE EVER KNOW
THIS IS US?

- KIM SEEMS TO THINK
THAT IF SHE AND I STALK J.R.,

AND IF I SEE HIM
WITH THE OTHER WOMAN

THAT HE CHEATED ON ME WITH,

THAT THAT WILL IN SOME WAY
MAKE ME OVER THE WHOLE THING.

- PINK LEOPARD! FOR SURE.

- 'CAUSE NO ONE'S GONNA
EVER NOTICE THAT.

- RIGHT.

- I NEED TO PUT
THIS J.R. BUSINESS BEHIND ME.

AND IF THIS WILL HELP,
THEN I GUESS I'LL DO IT.

- GRAB THOSE WHITE GLASSES.

THOSE ARE REALLY COOL.

- ARE YOU GONNA BE ABLE TO DRIVE
WITH SUNGLASSES ON AT NIGHT?

- WELL, YEAH, ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'M A ROCK STAR.

I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD DO THIS ALL THE TIME,

BUT ONE... ONE, TWO...

COUPLE TIMES.

THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW WHO WE ARE.

SERIOUSLY.

WE'RE GONNA BE IN DISGUISE.

WE'RE GONNA LOOK VERY,
VERY DIFFERENT.

READY?

- THEY'RE GONNA BE, LIKE,
WHO THE HELL ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

- YOU KNOW, I MAY LOOK AT THIS
LATER AND FORGET IT WAS MYSELF.

- POSSIBLY.
- OKAY, LET'S GO.

- ALL RIGHT. OUTIE FIVE.

- LET'S HIT IT.

- HIT IT AND QUIT IT.
- LET'S GO FIND THIS BOY.

- I THINK I KNOW WHERE HE IS.
- WHERE?

- 'CAUSE HE ONLY
GOES TO ONE PLACE.

- WHICH WAY ARE WE GOING NOW?
- STRAIGHT.

I'M KIND OF NERVOUS.

- MY MOM PEEKED
AT THE WINDOW ONCE

AND SAW HER HUSBAND...

- [gasps]
- MM-HMM, WITH A WOMAN.

- [gasps]

- WE HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY
OF STALKING.

[laughter]

- IT JUST RUNS IN THE BLOOD.

KIM AND I ARE SIMILAR
IN A LOT OF WAYS.

WE'RE DOERS.

I'LL DO, AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

WHEREAS I THINK SOME
OF THE OTHER LADIES,

THEY WOULD RATHER PROBABLY
POLISH THEIR DIAMONDS

AND THEIR GOLD, SIT AROUND
AND HAVE TEA AND CRUMPETS.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I HAVE LOUBOUTINS ON.

- COME ON, BRANDI.

BRANDI, COME ON!

GOD, YOU'RE...

[laughter]

- WHY AM I IN THE BUSHES
WITH KIM RICHARDS?

YOU KNOW WHEN THEY SAY IVY...
THAT'S WHERE ALL THE VERMIN GO?

WE WERE IN IVY.

I DON'T DO RODENTS.

- SHOULD WE PICK ANOTHER SPOT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- [laughs]

- OH, MY GOD!

- WE COULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN A BETTER SPOT.

- I KNOW.
- RIGHT?

- OH, MY GOD!
I SWEAR, I THINK HE'S COMING.

- OH, MY GOD.
- I'M POSITIVE IT'S HIM.

- OH, MY GOD.
- I SWEAR TO GOD.

HERE HE COMES.

- HE'S BY HIMSELF.

- YEP.

- HE'S BY HIMSELF, AND HONESTLY,

I'M JUST FEELING
REALLY RELIEVED.

WE SUCCESSFULLY STALKED
HIM DOING NOTHING

WITH NOBODY.

- WELL, GIRL.

- WE DID IT.

WE DIDN'T REALLY ACCOMPLISH
ANYTHING, BUT WE DID IT.

- WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW
HE'S NOT WITH HER.

- WELL, HE'S GOING HOME TO HER!

- THE WHOLE IDEA IS,
I WANTED YOU TO SEE...

- EXACTLY. THAT'S MY POINT.

- THEM TOGETHER!

I'VE DECIDED, NO MORE J.R.

IT'S LIKE A BAD DRUG,
AND I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT

AND MUCH YOUNGER THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT.

OH, JAKE RYAN.

KID IS HUNG LIKE A HORSE.
- STOP IT!

- I'M JUST SAYING.

- SO WRONG.

- COMING UP...

- YOU MAY SPEAK, AND YOU DON'T
REALLY THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

- BREATHE...

AND THEN TALK.

- WAIT, BELLA.
- YEAH?

- LET'S TELL MY MOM
ABOUT THE GHOSTS.

- YOU HAVE GHOSTS IN YOUR HOUSE.

- I DON'T HAVE GHOSTS
IN MY HOUSE.

- I SWEAR.
- WHERE?

- WE WERE UP THE OTHER NIGHT
TILL 1:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND WE HEARD FOOTSTEPS.

- WELL, THE TRUTH IS, THE HOUSE,
I THINK, IS HAUNTED.

I DO.

- ALL OF A SUDDEN, LIKE,
I HEARD THESE, LIKE...

I LITERALLY HEARD THESE...
THOSE TWO CHAIRS MOVE.

- BUT I CAN'T SAY IT IS,
WITH THEM,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO FREAK THEM OUT.

- I REALLY THOUGHT THAT IN
THE MORNING, WE WOULD COME DOWN,

AND ALL THIS FURNITURE
WOULD BE ON THE FLOOR.

LIKE, I HEARD IT SO VIVIDLY,

LIKE, PEOPLE MOVING THINGS
AND BREAKING THINGS.

IT WAS TERRIFYING. - WHAT?

- WE NEED TO MOVE.

- EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
I'M UP IN MY BATHROOM,

AND SHE WILL... OR IT WILL...

OR WHAT WILL... BREEZE BY ME.

I'M NOT KIDDING.
I FEEL IT IN MY BACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY.

THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY.

- WHAT SHOULD I WEAR
TO SEE ADRIENNE?

- JUST NOT RED.

- NO, THAT'S
AN AGGRESSIVE COLOR, RIGHT?

- YEAH.
AND DON'T WEAR YELLOW EITHER.

- WHAT'S A HAPPY COLOR?

- PURPLE'S THE COLOR
OF TOLERANCE.

- IS IT?
- YEAH.

- I'M IN MY NEW HOUSE,

AND I PUT J.R. IN THE PAST
TO TRY TO BE HEALTHY,

AND THERE'S JUST ONE LAST THING
HANGING OVER MY HEAD.

AND HER NAME
STARTS WITH THE LETTER "A."

[sighs]

IT GIVES ME ANXIETY.

- YOU JUST WANT TO CLEAR UP
THE FACT THAT YOU DID NOT...

- YEAH.
- RUIN HER MARRIAGE?

- I DIDN'T!

- YOU NEED CONFIRMATION THAT...
I KNOW, BUT YOU'RE, LIKE,

"I NEED CONFIRMATION THAT
YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT"...

- RIGHT?
- FROM HER.

- I'M NERVOUS
ABOUT SEEING ADRIENNE

BECAUSE I WANT TO BE
ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR,

AND I DON'T TRUST MYSELF.

I SNAP.

WELL, I MEAN,
I THINK SHE KNOWS THAT

AFTER EVERYTHING THAT WENT DOWN
WHEN THEY BROKE UP.

- RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, BUT THAT'S NOT...

I DON'T EVEN WANT
TO ACTUALLY GET INTO THAT.

- I THINK SHE'S
IN A BETTER SPACE, LIKE...

- I THINK... YEAH, SHE'S GOT
A CUTE, YOUNG BOYFRIEND.

- YEAH.
- REAL CUTE.

- WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?
I'M SORRY.

- JACOB.
- JAKE. I CALL HIM MR. JAKE.

- YEAH?

- LIKE, I RUN INTO HER
ALL THE TIME,

AND IT'S VERY AWKWARD TO NOT
JUST EVEN SAY HELLO, YOU KNOW?

- RIGHT.

- AND I'M IN A REALLY
GOOD SPACE NOW,

AND I JUST WANT
POSITIVITY IN MY LIFE.

SO I WANT TO CLEAR THE AIR,

AND, "I'M SORRY
FOR BITING BACK."

- RIGHT.

- I JUST WANT TO KEEP IT SO IT
DOESN'T GO TO A NEGATIVE PLACE,

'CAUSE I DON'T TRUST MYSELF.

- IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE, LIKE,
BFFs, THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL...

- OH, NO, I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE
TO, IF I SEE HER AT A PARTY,

JUST, "HELLO. NICE TO SEE YOU."

I DON'T WANT TO, LIKE,
BRAID HER HAIR ON THE WEEKENDS.

- NO.

YOU DEFINITELY DON'T WANT
TO BRAID HER HAIR...

UNLESS HER BOYFRIEND'S
GONNA BE THERE.

- THEN YOU WANT TO BRAID
HER HAIR.

- THEN I'LL DO IT. YEAH,
EXACTLY. THEN I'LL BRAID IT.

- AHH! AHH!

[laughs]

OH, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN DO THIS.

AHH!

[gasps]

OH.

ALL RIGHT.

[groans]

OH, MY GOD, BLANCA,

I KNOW AT THIS POINT OF LIFE
IT'S ABSOLUTELY UNIMPORTANT,

BUT I'M SO FAT.

LOOK AT MY PANTS!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN GET
ON A HORSE LIKE THAT.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT FAT.
YOU NEED TO MOVE.

IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.

IS THERE-IS THERE A SEAM HERE
THAT WE COULD CUT,

OR IS THERE NO SEAM HERE? - NO.

- I NEVER HAD THE SLIGHTEST IDEA
THAT I WAS GONNA BE A MODEL.

YOU KNOW, GROWING UP, MY LIFE
WAS HORSES AND HORSES ONLY.

FIVE POUNDS CAN MAKE
SUCH A DIFFERENCE, NO?

I MEAN, NOT THAT I CARE.

I'D RATHER BE HEALTHY THAN
SKINNY AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

I JUST GOT TO BUY
BIGGER RIDING PANTS.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'M RIDING HORSES AGAIN

AFTER I GOT SICK.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, IT BRINGS ME
BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD,

AND I FEEL SUCH A SENSE
OF FREEDOM.

HI, GIRLS. - HI!

- I'M YOLANDA. HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD. I'M ASHLEY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

- HI, ASHLEY.

- YOU EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE,
YOLANDA?

- YEAH, YEAH.
I'VE BEEN RIDING MY WHOLE LIFE.

BUT I DON'T DO, UM, WESTERN.

DO YOU HAVE ENGLISH?
- WE HAVE ENGLISH.

- OKAY, GOOD.

HEY!

HOW ARE YOU, HONEY? - HI.

LOOK AT YOU, ALL IN WHITE.

- ALL IN WHITE, OF COURSE.

THIS IS THE DUTCH STYLE,
AMERICAN STYLE OF RIDING.

THE ENGLISH STYLE OF RIDING

IS ALL ABOUT DRESSING
VERY PREPPY AND PERFECT

AND THE SHINY BOOTS,

WHILE THE WESTERNS,

THEY COME IN MUCH MORE CASUAL
WITH JEANS AND BOOTS

AND PLAID SHIRT.

I MEAN, IT'S TWO COMPLETE
OPPOSITE WORLDS...

KIND OF LIKE KIM AND I.

- HAVE YOU RIDDEN BEFORE, KIM?
- YES, I HAVE.

- SO KIM,
YOU'RE GONNA BE RIDING SUMMY.

- OKAY, GREAT.

- IT'S LIKE SUMMER,
BUT WITH A "Y."

- OKAY.

I WORKED WITH JUST ABOUT
EVERY KIND OF ANIMAL

YOU COULD WORK WITH
DOING DISNEY MOVIES,

BUT ALWAYS A HORSE.

THEY'RE VERY WELL TRAINED,

AND I THOUGHT, I'M GONNA
BUY A POLO HORSE, BECAUSE...

'CAUSE I CAN RIDE.

I'VE BEEN
SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

- OKAY.

- THIS IS LIKE THERAPY FOR ME.
- OKAY, GOOD.

- AND THEY BROUGHT OUT
THE FIRST THREE HORSES,

AND THEY TOOK OFF WITH ME
DOWN THE POLO FIELD,

AND I WAS SCREAMING, LIKE,
"HELP!

"THIS IS CRAZY.

SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

- IT'S HOT, ISN'T IT? WHOOPS.

- I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO RIDE
ALL OVER AGAIN IN MY 30s,

BECAUSE KIM CAN'T RIDE.

KIM'S BEEN RIDING DISNEY HORSES
HER WHOLE LIFE.

- DID YOU GET A NEW TATTOO,
OR IS THAT OLD?

- THAT'S THE ONE
I DID WITH KIMBERLY.

YOU CAN LOOK AT YOUR TATTOO
AND GO,

"MOM, I MISS YOU SO MUCH."
THEN YOU CAN CALL ME.

- I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU.

- WHEN SHE WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE.

- OH, THE COLLEGE ONE, YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.

- DID I HEAR A LITTLE RUMOR
THAT IT'S TIME AGAIN FOR YOU?

- OH, MY GOD. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

- YOLANDA.

I'M HERE FOR YOU, BABY.

- IT'S JUST SO BRUTAL.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

I WILL BE HERE.

I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.

- I HAVE ONLY ONE CHILD
LEFT NEXT YEAR.

- ONLY ONE.
I WAS LEFT WITH NONE LAST TIME.

- BUT YOU STILL HAVE...
- WELL, CHAD'S IN AND OUT.

- HE STILL HAS A ROOM
IN THE HOUSE, RIGHT?

- THEY ALL HAVE ROOMS
IN THE HOUSE, ARE YOU KIDDING?

AND THEY'RE, LIKE, UNTOUCHED.

- EVEN THE GIRLS?
- YEAH.

- DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT
HAPPENED BETWEEN KIM AND I...

SHE WASN'T TALKING
BEHIND YOUR BACK.

- SHE WAS, YOLANDA. YOLANDA!

- SHE WASN'T TALKING
BEHIND YOUR BACK!

- YOLANDA! STOP.

- SHE WAS RIGHT THERE
IN THE ROOM!

SINCE THE DAY I MET HER,

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO TAKE CARE OF HER

AND BE KIND OF
A BIG SISTER TO HER.

WHOA.

[horse farts]

- YOLANDA.
- YEAH.

- DUTCH HORSES DON'T FART.

- I'M, LIKE, YOLANDA!

YOLANDA!

AND IT'S GETTING LOUDER,
AND I'M, LIKE, WHAT THE HECK?

- IT WAS COMING
OUT OF YOUR OWN HORSE.

THAT IS FUNNY, KIM.

MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T BRING
THAT UP.

YOU JUST GO, LIKE,
"OH, THE HORSE JUST FARTED."

AND OF COURSE, KIM IS GOING,
LIKE,

"IS IT YOUR HORSE THAT FARTED,
OR IS IT YOU?"

LIKE, SHE'LL... YOU KNOW,
SHE'LL MAKE A JOKE OUT OF IT.

BUT THAT'S KIM.

- SO TELL ME
WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON.

WHERE'S BELLA GOING TO SCHOOL?

- BELLA'S GOING TO PARSONS
SCHOOL OF DESIGN IN NEW YORK.

- AS MUCH AS IT'S,
LIKE, "OH, MY GOSH,

MY GIRLS ARE LEAVING"... - YEAH.

- THIS IS ALSO
AN AWESOME OPPORTUNITY

FOR YOU TO SPEND
WITH YOUR BOYS NOW.

- MY HUBBY AND MY SON...
MY GOD, WHAT A LUCKY GIRL.

KIM IS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL
CREAM CAKE,

YOU KNOW, WITH LOTS OF LAYERS.

IT TAKES TIME
TO REALLY UNDERSTAND

ALL THESE ASPECTS OF HER.

BUT I THINK THE CORE OF KIM

AND HER HEART
IS A REALLY GOOD PERSON.

ALL RIGHT, DO YOU WANT TO RACE?

[clicks tongue]

[telephone line trilling]

- HELLO?
- HEY, KYLE.

IT'S BRANDI. HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M GOOD. HOW WAS TAHOE?

- OH, MY GOD.

IT'S SO GORGEOUS.

I'M SITTING HERE
RIGHT NOW IN EMERALD BAY.

- I LOVE TAHOE. IT'S GREAT.

I JUST DON'T LIKE TO BE COLD,
SO THIS IS WHEN I WOULD GO TOO,

IN THE SUMMER.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
REALLY QUICK BECAUSE I'M JUST...

I'M A NERVOUS WRECK RIGHT NOW.

I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO MEET
ADRIENNE MALOOF FOR COFFEE.

- OH, MY GOD.

SOMEONE TOLD ME YOU GUYS
WERE TALKING IN THE LIVING ROOM.

WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT?

- I ASKED HER TO GO TO COFFEE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE, LIKE,
BEST FRIENDS WITH HER,

BUT I JUST DON'T WANT
THERE TO BE ANY MORE ANIMOSITY

AND JUST WANT
TO BE ABLE TO SAY HELLO,

AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
A LITTLE BIT.

AND I'M SO NERVOUS RIGHT NOW.

I'M SHAKING!

- OH, MY GOD. I DON'T BLAME YOU.

I'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THIS

BECAUSE I THINK IT'S WEIGHED
HEAVILY ON BRANDI,

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN
HER AND ADRIENNE.

AND I DO THINK THAT ADRIENNE
IS OWED AN APOLOGY.

- YOU LIE. THAT'S A LIE.

- I AM NOT LYING, BITCH.
I AM NOT LYING.

- YOU'RE CALLING MY WIFE
A BITCH?

- DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE?

WHAT AM I DOING?

- JUST SAY TO HER, YOU KNOW,
"THIS HAS BEEN HANGING OVER ME,

AND I DON'T WANT TO FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN I SEE YOU.

AND I HAVE NO ILL FEELINGS
TOWARDS YOU."

- I'M NOT GOING INTO TODAY

LOOKING FOR AN APOLOGY AT ALL.

I'M GOING IN TO SPEAK MY PIECE,

SAY I'M SORRY,
AND IF I GET ONE, GREAT.

IF I DON'T, THAT'S OKAY TOO.

YOU CAN'T GO IN
EXPECTING SOMETHING,

'CAUSE YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GET WHAT YOU WANT.

- TELL HER I SAID HI.

- NO! OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, I WILL.

- I WISH I HAD
BETTER ADVICE FOR YOU.

I'M THE WORST.

- NO, I'LL JUST DO IT.

IT'S FINE. IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.

- YOU'RE ALREADY
ON THE RIGHT TRACK,

SO YOU DON'T NEED ANY ADVICE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
- ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, HONEY. BYE.
- TALK TO YOU LATER.

- HI. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, THANKS.

I ALWAYS HAVE NERVES.

I RUN, LIKE, HIGHLY ANXIOUS.

IS SHE GONNA SAY, "I HATE YOU,

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS,
YOU SAID THIS"?

HI. - WELCOME TO RIVE GAUCHE.

- THANK YOU.
THERE'S GONNA BE TWO OF US.

- TWO OF YOU?
- YEAH.

- OKAY. RIGHT THIS WAY.
- GREAT.

SO I DEFINITELY AM NERVOUS ABOUT

JUST WHAT THE OUTCOME'S
GONNA BE.

- THANK YOU.

I DO BELIEVE
BRANDI OWES ME AN APOLOGY.

BUT BRANDI'S
AN IMPULSIVE PERSON,

SO I'M NOT REALLY SURE
WHAT TO EXPECT.

- HI, WELCOME TO RIVE GAUCHE.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?

- ARE YOU JOINING SOMEONE?
- YES.

- OKAY. RIGHT THIS WAY.

- SHE'S RIGHT THERE.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.

- HI, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- YOU TOO... I DON'T KNOW IF I AM.

- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- BUSY.

- THAT'S GOOD.
- YEAH.

- BUSY'S GOOD.

I FIND THAT WHEN I HAVE
TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS

IS WHEN I TEND
TO GET IN TROUBLE.

- AH, YEAH.

IDLE MIND'S THE DEVIL'S
WORKSHOP, SO... SO THEY SAY.

- YES.

I'M, LIKE, "THINK BEFORE YOU
SPEAK. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK."

I HAVE TO REALLY, WAIT...

BREATHE...

AND THEN TALK.

I JUST WANT
TO CLEAR THE AIR WITH YOU.

AND, YOU KNOW,
WE DON'T HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD

AND BE BEST FRIENDS
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

- RIGHT.

- I MEAN, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE
TO BRAID EACH OTHER'S HAIR

ON THE WEEKENDS... - NO.

- BUT YOU CAN, YOU KNOW,

WALK AWAY FROM HERE
AND HATE ME FOREVER.

I DON'T WANT THAT. - MM-HMM.

- THERE'S BEEN A LOT
OF LOW BLOWS

AND BACK-AND-FORTHS BETWEEN US,

AND I JUST WANT TO MOVE FORWARD

AND NOT FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
WHEN WE RUN INTO EACH OTHER.

I JUST REALLY WANT TO SAY
I'M SORRY...

[sighs]

FOR EVERYTHING.

AND I REGRET WHAT I SAID.

AND I HAD NO INTENTION
OF HURTING YOUR FAMILY, EVER.

LISA WAS MY BEST FRIEND
AT THE TIME.

SHE HAD ISSUES WITH YOU.

I FEEL LIKE I KIND OF PROBABLY
TOOK A LITTLE BIT OF THOSE ON,

AND IT JUST GOT OUT OF CONTROL.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A TEMPER, AND
IT'S THE WORST THING ABOUT ME.

I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE IT.
- RIGHT. RIGHT.

- I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE
TO NOT HAVE YOU HATE ME.

I JUST DON'T WANT ANY HATE
IN MY LIFE.

- FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T HATE YOU.

I JUST THINK THAT
SOMETIMES YOU MAY SPEAK,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

- COMING UP...

- LISA AND I ARE NOT
IN AN AMAZING PLACE,

BUT I DON'T EVERYONE
TO THINK I'M HER SIDEKICK.

- BRANDI JUST NEEDS
TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY

FOR HER OWN ACTIONS.

- I JUST REALLY WANT TO SAY
I'M SORRY...

[sighs]

FOR EVERYTHING.

AND I REGRET WHAT I SAID.

AND I HAD NO INTENTION
OF HURTING YOUR FAMILY, EVER.

LISA WAS MY BEST FRIEND
AT THE TIME.

SHE HAD ISSUES WITH YOU.

I FEEL LIKE I KIND OF PROBABLY
TOOK A LITTLE BIT OF THOSE ON,

AND IT JUST GOT OUT OF CONTROL.

- THIS IS SOMETHING THAT BRANDI
BELIEVES LISA WAS A PART OF.

I THINK BRANDI JUST
NEEDS TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY

FOR HER OWN ACTIONS.

- YOU KNOW, I HAVE A TEMPER, AND
IT'S THE WORST THING ABOUT ME.

I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE IT.
- RIGHT.

- I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE
TO NOT HAVE YOU HATE ME.

I JUST DON'T WANT ANY HATE
IN MY LIFE.

- FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T HATE YOU.

I JUST THINK
THAT SOMETIMES YOU MAY SPEAK,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

- I MEAN,
I KNOW I'M A GOOD HUMAN BEING.

I KNOW I DO THE RIGHT THING
MOST OF THE TIME.

IT'S JUST THE TIMES
THAT I DON'T...

- LISTEN, WE'VE ALL DONE IT.

WE'VE ALL SAID THINGS
THAT WE WISH WE HADN'T SAID.

- RIGHT.

- SO I WELCOME YOUR APOLOGY,

AND... 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE
IT'S HEARTFELT.

AND I APPRECIATE THAT
YOU WANTED TO MEET

AND KIND OF PUT CLOSURE TO THIS.

I THINK WE NEEDED
TO PUT CLOSURE.

- I DO. IT'S JUST...

IT'S SO UNHEALTHY FOR ME TO HAVE
ALL OF THESE THINGS OPEN-ENDED.

LIKE, I WANT TO...

I MEAN, I'M STILL
GONNA MAKE MISTAKES.

I MEAN, I'M NOT,
YOU KNOW, PERFECT.

I'M NOT JUST PROUD OF MYSELF
FOR WORKING THINGS OUT

WITH ADRIENNE.

I'M PROUD OF ADRIENNE TOO.

I MEAN, IT TOOK A LOT FOR BOTH
OF US TO GET TO THIS SPOT.

SO I THINK WE BOTH DID GOOD.

- HOW ARE YOU DOING WITH
THE OTHER GIRLS?

IS EVERYTHING...

- KYLE AND KIM AND I
ARE ACTUALLY IN A GREAT PLACE,

AND YOLANDA AND I ARE GREAT.

AND LISA AND I ARE NOT
IN AN AMAZING PLACE,

BUT I DON'T WANT EVERYONE
TO THINK I'M HER SIDEKICK,

DOING THINGS FOR HER,

'CAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO...

- RIGHT.
- DO THAT AGAIN.

- RIGHT.
- IT'S JUST REALLY HARD.

AND I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD.

AND I THINK IT'S JUST
GONNA TAKE TIME.

I DON'T KNOW.

- DOES SHE KNOW THAT YOU WANT
TO REACH OUT TO HER

AND KIND OF MAKE AMENDS?

- YOU KNOW, I THINK IT JUST...
I KNOW HER REALLY WELL,

AND IT'S HARD
FOR HER TO GET OVER ANYTHING.

SO I'M JUST GONNA...
BABY STEPS, AND LET IT...

LET IT KIND OF BE ON HER
IF SHE WANTS TO...

- ON HER TERMS.
- YEAH.

CONSIDERING THE FACT
THAT AT ONE POINT

ADRIENNE THOUGHT I RUINED
HER MARRIAGE AND HER FAMILY,

IF ADRIENNE CAN MOVE
ON FROM THIS GIANT PROBLEM

THAT WE ONCE HAD,

I REALLY THINK THAT LISA
SHOULD BE ABLE TO MOVE ON

FROM THIS MINISCULE ISSUE
THAT WE HAVE.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
THIS HAS BEEN... I WAS NERVOUS.

I'M, LIKE,
IS SHE GONNA KARATE-CHOP ME?

- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING.

- LOOK IT, IT'S SO SEXY
WHEN THEY DO THIS!

- HARRY, YOU'RE GONNA GET LUCKY
TONIGHT.

- IT SAYS, "I LEFT MY LOUIS
IN THE JET."

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME

THAT PORTIA UNDERSTANDS
THE VALUE OF A DOLLAR.

I'M NOT GONNA RAISE A BRAT.

- BUY IT!

- I HAVE TO LOOK CUTE EVERY DAY.

- I LOVE YOU, BABY.
YOU'RE STRONG.

YOU'RE A GOOD DUTCH GIRL.

♪ PROUDMOMMY.

- ARE YOU GOING BACK TO
YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS?

- I'M GOING BACK
TO YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.

- FIRST TIME I MET EILEEN ON
YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS,

TO ME IT WAS, LIKE, OH, MY GOD.
THERE'S ASHLEY!

- I JUST FINISHED DOING
A THREE-MONTH ARC ON DAYS.

- WOW.
- PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

- LISA, I'M NOT GONNA
KISS YOUR ASS.

- OH, ARE YOU WITH KYLE?

- TO LEARN MORE
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