The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Live's a Witch - full transcript
Carlton hosts the ladies for a luncheon in her gorgeous, Gothic mansion, which sports "Victorian balls," a spooky doll collection and black cats. When Lisa shows up to the lunch a little late, teasing from her friends about her suspect faint proves too much for her after recently being eliminated on Dancing with the Stars. Kyle upsets Carlton by asking too many questions about witchcraft, but Kyle finds herself on the defense when Brandi prompts the ladies to talk about the tabloid accusations about Mauricio cheating.
- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I LOVE YOU.
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT, OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU IN RECOVERY.
- OH, MY LOVE.
THIS LYME DISEASE HAS TAKEN
THE BEST OF ME.
I HAVE NEVER SUFFERED
THIS DEEPLY IN MY LIFE.
- THE PROBLEM IS THERE'S ALL
THESE WINDOWS,
AND I TEND TO WALK AROUND
WITHOUT MY CLOTHES ON,
AS YOU KNOW.
I MET J.R. AT THE WHITE PARTY
AT KYLE'S HOUSE.
WE ARGUE A LOT, AND THEN WE HAVE
REALLY GOOD MAKE-UP SEX.
AND THAT'S J.R.
- DO YOU GUYS HAVE KIDS?
- YEAH. 11, 9, AND 2 NEXT WEEK.
YEAH, HE'S CROSS. - CROSS?
- YEAH. UM, DESTINY AND MYSTERI.
- WHOA, THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- DESTINY AND MYSTERI.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I LIKE THAT EVEN BETTER
THAN CROSS.
- DON'T [bleep]
WITH MY CHILDREN'S NAMES.
- THIS IS WHERE THE RUMOR COMES
THAT HE'S BEEN SEEN
WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN.
[laughs]
- HOW ARE YOU WITH KYLE?
- I MEAN, I'M NOT
IN A BETTER PLACE
WITH A WOMAN THAT CALLED ME
A LIAR.
- YOU JUST GOT TO PUT YOUR HOUSE
ON THE MARKET.
YOU'RE GOING TO BOND
REALLY QUICK.
[laughter]
- ONE. ARM UP.
- SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN'T
CUT OUT FOR FAKE FAINTS.
- UH.
- [laughs]
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS,
THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB,
THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK.
IT SWEARS.
- YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.
- HI.
- HI, BOO-BOO.
- OH, HI.
- HI.
- I LIKE YOUR BAND-AID.
- I KNOW.
I'M A MESS.
MOVING INTO MY NEW HOUSE,
I HAVE SCRAPES,
AND BRUISES, AND BUMPS,
AND I'M WALKING INTO FURNITURE.
I FELL TWICE, AND I WAS SOBER.
- CAN I GET CHICA?
- I GUESS.
- I HAVE TO.
- SHE PEES.
- SHE WON'T PEE ON ME.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
- I'M GONNA GO OUT WITH J.R.
AND HAVE THE TALK.
- AGAIN, OR...
- [chuckles]
J.R. STARTED OUT
AS MY MAN FRIEND.
AND THEN, WE BROKE UP.
AND THEN, I NEEDED A HOUSE.
SO I SAID I WOULD USE HIM,
AND SO I USED HIM
IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
- TELL ME YOU WANT IT,
AND I'LL GO GET IT.
- GET IT.
DON'T [bleep] IT UP.
BECAUSE HE'S
A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
YES, DUH.
NO, THIS TIME,
IT'S FOR GOOD, SO...
- NO, BUT YOU GUYS HAVE
BROKEN UP SO MANY TIMES.
IT'S BACK ON. IT'S BACK OFF.
IT'S OFF. IT'S ON.
I MEAN, HE... HE'S NICE,
BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S FOR YOU.
- NO, I MEAN,
I KNOW HE'S NOT FOR ME,
BUT IT WAS NICE TO PLAY HOUSE
WITH SOMEONE,
AND SPEND THE NIGHT, AND LIKE
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO END BADLY
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I'M GONNA SEE HIM.
HE'S MAURICIO'S PARTNER.
NOW THAT I HAVE A HOUSE,
I DON'T NEED J.R. ANYMORE.
THAT IS HORRIBLE.
BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE.
HE'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
HE'S REALLY ON MY LAST NERVE.
OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.
- IS IT WARM?
- I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID.
SOME PEOPLE DO THEIR BEST
THINKING IN THE SHOWER.
I DO MY BEST THINKING
IN THE BATHTUB.
LOVELY.
- BUT WHAT'S GONNA BE
DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
SERIOUSLY?
- ULTIMATELY, I MEAN...
AND I'VE SAID THIS TO HIM,
SO IT'S NOT LIKE A SHOCK...
WE DON'T GET ALONG, HE AND I.
WE BICKER LIKE
AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE,
AND THEN WE HAVE AMAZING SEX.
- YOU MIGHT NEED TO TAKE
A LITTLE BREAK FOR A MINUTE.
- YEAH, FOR SURE,
BUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN MY TUB DOESN'T WORK,
AND MY WASHER'S NOT WORKING,
AND I JUST... - GET A HANDYMAN.
- AY, YI, YI, YA.
- YOU DESERVE BETTER.
- YOU LATIN PEOPLE IN MY LIFE
ARE SO ANNOYING.
- I KNOW.
- I'M SO EXCITED FOR TODAY.
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK SO AMAZING,
JUST DRIPPING IN JEWELS.
IVETTE IS THE WINNER OF
THE PAGEANT THAT I CREATED,
"QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE."
- I LOVE IT.
- IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL.
I WANTED TO EMPOWER GIRLS
AND GIVE GIRLS A PLATFORM
THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE.
SO WE HAVE SO MANY THINGS
COMING UP NOW.
WE'RE GONNA GO TO
THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL.
- UH-HUH.
- TO THE CANCER PATIENT UNIT.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
THINK BEAUTY PAGEANTS
ARE FOR DUMB GIRLS,
BUT I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL
WHEN I WAS JUST TURNING 16.
AND THEN I FINISHED MY TWO
B.A.s BY THE TIME I WAS 19.
I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE
IN SOCIAL WORK
AND A BACHELOR'S DEGREE
IN SPECIAL EDUCATION.
IT'S A BIG, BIG FUNDRAISER,
AND YOU'RE ONNG BE THERE
CROWNING LITTLE GIRLS.
IN PUERTO RICO, I WAS
WORKING AT KFC
WHEN THIS GUY OFFERED ME
500 BUCKS
TO DO A CAMPAIGN FOR HIM.
AND I WAS LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, $500!
I'M SO RICH!"
I DID A MILLION PHOTO SHOOTS,
AND A LOT OF THEM WERE SEXY,
BUT YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
YOU COULDN'T SEE MY COOCHIE
OR MY BOOBIES.
ONE OF THE SHOOTS THAT I DID
SOMEHOW GOT SO MUCH NOTORIETY
AFTER I WON
THE MISS PUERTO RICO.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT BECAME
THIS MASSIVE SCANDAL.
THANK YOU.
AND I CALLED THE OFFICES
OF TRUMP IN NEW YORK,
AND I ACTUALLY GOT A HOLD
OF HIS SECRETARY.
I WAS LIKE, "NO,
I DON'T WANT THEM
TO TAKE MY CROWN AWAY."
HI. - HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
AND THE NEXT DAY,
SHE CALLED ME BACK,
AND SHE SAID, "SWEETHEART,
MR. TRUMP HAS SEEN EVERYTHING,
AND YOU HAVE NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT."
SO IT ALL WORKED OUT.
SEE, THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
IT'S VERY PRETTY WOMAN.
- THIS IS VERY PRETTY WOMAN.
THIS IS ACTUALLY THE SAME STORE
THAT THEY SHOT PRETTY WOMAN IN.
- YOU DO THAT TOO?
[squeals] [laughter]
ABOUT 12 YEARS AGO,
I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES
WITH TWO BAGS AND A DREAM.
OKAY, YOU CAN STAND,
YOU GORGEOUS QUEEN...
- OKAY.
- AND WE WILL CROWN YOU.
- OH, MY GOD.
- I HAD NOTHING
BUT A RESERVATION
AT THE BEVERLY WILSHIRE HOTEL.
WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE,
I WANTED TO COME HERE
BECAUSE I SAW THE MOVIE
PRETTY WOMAN.
SO I STAYED AT THIS HOTEL.
BUT THEN I WAS LIKE,
"OKAY, I'M GOING BROKE HERE.
I GOTTA MOVE,
OR IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN."
- NOW YOU NEED TO GO BACK
TO THE STORES ON RODEO
AND DO THE SAME THING SHE DID.
"BIG MISTAKE." both: "HUGE."
- REMEMBER THAT?
THAT WAS AWESOME.
I LOVE THAT SCENE.
- HOW LONG DO YOU NEED
TO COOK, BABE?
- TWO MINUTES.
- OKAY.
WE HAVE TWO MINUTES
TO PLAY GOLF, LEO.
CAN WE DO THAT? - THREE MINUTES.
PLAY FOR THREE MINUTES.
- OKAY, COME ON.
THREE MINUTES, GUYS.
- I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN,
LEONARDO AND VALENTINO,
WHO ARE THE LOVE AND THE LIGHT
OF MY EYES.
- NICE ONE.
- LOOK.
- POM. POM.
OH, GO, GO, GO, GO. ALMOST, VAL.
NICE JOB, LEO.
COME ON. WE GO EAT, NOW.
- WITH LEO,
PEOPLE THINK I'M THE NANNY
BECAUSE HE'S BLONDE
WITH BLUE EYES.
I WAS ON BED REST FOR THIS BABY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- COME, GO EAT SOMETHING.
- [laughs]
- PERHAPS THIS WAY.
COME. [chuckles]
- I HAVE TO THANK GOD
EVERY SINGLE DAY
FOR MY HUSBAND
BECAUSE HE IS A TRUE GENTLEMAN
AND HE'S THE BEST LOVER
IN THE WORLD.
- NO!
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO?"
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- I THINK MY LIFE DESCRIBED
IN ONE WORD
IS SIMPLY "BLESSED."
- I WANT A BANANA.
- NO.
- I WANT A BANANA RIGHT NOW.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
- DO YOU WANT TO MOVE
THAT STUFF FIRST?
- I SURE DO.
SO I WANT TO MOVE THIS.
- THIS IS HEAVY.
- I KNOW.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.
- PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.
- I'LL PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.
- YOU PUT YOUR BACK
INTO MY BACK.
- OKAY. ELIZY IS MY SON'S NANNY.
SHE'S LIKE TINKER BELL ON CRACK.
[laughter]
- IT'S LIKE TWO MONKEYS
TRYING TO HUMP A FOOTBALL.
[laughter]
- AND SHE IS BUBBLY,
AND SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
AND I LIKE MY SON TO BE AROUND
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
- [groans] OKAY.
- I... I CAN'T... [gasps]
DID YOU DO THAT?
- I'M NOT EVEN OVER THERE.
DON'T SCARE ME.
- DAVE'S GONNA BE MAD.
- LICK IT.
- SPIT POLISH.
- GOOD.
- ALL RIGHT.
CLASSY BITCHES, WE ARE.
THIS HOUSE, BY FAR,
IS MY DREAM HOUSE.
I HAVE MY CRYSTAL BALLS.
I HAVE MY CRYSTALS, CROSSES.
IT'S ALMOST
CATHEDRAL/GOTHIC/CHURCH.
I MEAN, IT'S A CASTLE.
SO THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.
- OKAY.
- CRYSTAL BALL, AND THEN I WANT
TO DO ROSES AT EITHER SIDE.
- OF THE TABLE.
- YEAH.
AND THEN THIS... - NOT TALL?
- NO.
- NOT VASES?
LITTLE ONES? - NO, LITTLE ONES.
- SO YOU CAN SEE
EACH OTHER'S FACES?
AND HAVE FUN CONVERSATIONS
AND TALK ABOUT LOVE,
AND LIFE, AND EVERYTHING?
THAT'S FUN. - I HOPE SO.
- YAY!
- OW.
[both laugh]
I INVITED THESE LADIES TO LUNCH
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANTED
TO GET TO KNOW THEM BETTER.
I KNOW I AM NOT THAT COMFORTABLE
WITH KYLE.
- OH, MY GOD, THERE'S A BEE.
SHARON, KILL IT FOR ME
IF YOU LOVE ME.
- NO! DON'T KILL IT.
- OH, WELL.
- I DO HAVE A RESPECT
FOR BASICALLY GOD'S CREATURES,
AND ANIMALS ARE IT.
SO ARE BEES AND INSECTS,
APART FROM THE ANTS.
I DON'T LIKE THE ANTS.
- WE COULD HAVE ALL THE LADIES
SIT IN THE BED
AND EAT DADDY'S GRILLED CHEESE.
- NICE. JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- BE LIKE, "IF YOU WANT TO SEE
HOW WE REALLY EAT,
THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
WE SIT IN BED..."
- THIS IS THE WAY
I WANT TO ROLL.
- "AND WE EAT GRILLED CHEESE."
- CLIMB IN BED.
- [laughs]
- LIKE.
YUMMY.
YOU LOOK GOOD, ELIZY.
- I LOVE YOU.
- COMING UP...
- HAVE YOU EVER EXPLORED
WITH WITCHCRAFT?
- REALLY?
- HI, BRIAN.
- HEY, YOLANDA.
- OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO EXHAUSTED.
UGH. WHAT A DAY.
HOW ARE YOU?
- I AM ACTUALLY EXCELLENT.
SO HOW DO YOU FEEL
SINCE I SAW YOU LAST?
- UM, I... YOU KNOW, TIRED.
LIKE, JUST REALLY...
I THINK I'M...
[coughs] AND MY... AND THAT COUGH
IS COMING BACK, SO...
- SORRY, BRIAN.
- SOMETHING IS BOTHERING
MY SYSTEM, BUT...
- OTHER THAN ME?
- OTHER THAN YOU BOTHERING
ME EVERY DAY, YES.
BRIAN HAS A SERVICE
THAT GOES TO PEOPLE'S HOUSES
TO DO HOLISTIC TREATMENTS.
AT THIS POINT, I'LL DO ANYTHING
TO GET MY BRAIN BACK.
TELL ME TO EAT BARK
FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS,
AND I WILL.
SOMETIMES YOU SO NICE,
AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE JUST...
- DID I TELL YOU
IT WAS GOING TO BE PAINLESS?
- [laughs]
- EVERY OTHER TIME,
IT'S PAINLESS.
- MY RECOVERY IS A PART
OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE,
AND I THINK IT WAS
HEARTBREAKING FOR GIGI,
AS MY OLDEST DAUGHTER, TO SEE ME
ALMOST DYING FROM LYME DISEASE.
- HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE
TO DO THIS FOR?
- WELL, JUST, YOU KNOW,
UNTIL I START FEELING BETTER.
I MEAN, I'M ABOUT 70%.
IT REALLY REDEFINED
HER RELATIONSHIPS
WITH HER BROTHER AND SISTER.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE HAD TO BE
THE BIG SISTER
AND TAKE CARE OF THEM,
SO IT REALLY CHANGED
THE DYNAMICS
WITHIN OUR WHOLE FAMILY.
THANK YOU, BRIAN.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- MM.
- ISN'T IT GOOD?
- LIKE ONCE YOU'RE IN NEW YORK,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COOK
EVERY DAY YOURSELF.
- I LOVE THAT.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH, LIKE GOING SHOPPING
FOR MY OWN FOOD
IS GONNA MAKE ME SO HAPPY.
EVERYTHING IN MY PANTRY
IS WHAT I WANT.
I'M EXCITED. - YEAH.
GIGI'S LEAVING
THE END OF THE SUMMER
TO GO TO COLLEGE
IN NEW YORK CITY.
IT'S A BIG STEP.
IT'S GONNA BE HARD
NOT HAVING HER ENERGY
IN THIS HOUSE.
SHE'S... YOU KNOW, SHE'S HERE.
SHE'S LOVING. SHE'S FUN.
SHE'S MOTIVATING FOR
THE OTHER KIDS AS WELL
BECAUSE SHE'S A BALL-BUSTER,
AND SHE GOES OUT
FOR WHAT SHE WANTS.
WHEN YOU GO TO NEW YORK, GIGI,
I REMEMBER
JUST GOING TO WALK ON
THE STREET,
AND I COULD FEEL THE ENERGY
OF THE PEOPLE.
AND EVERYBODY'S THERE
FIGHTING FOR THEIR DREAM,
AND WORKING,
AND GETTING UP EARLY, AND...
- YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY
I'M GOING TO COLLEGE
TO STUDY CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY
BUT I'M MODELING
AT THE SAME TIME...
- I KNOW.
- AND LIKE...
- IN HOLLAND,
YOU COULD NEVER DO THAT.
LIKE, YOU WOULD EITHER GO
TO COLLEGE AND STUDY,
OR YOU WOULD HAVE A CAREER
IN MODELING.
LIKE FOR ME, I NEVER THOUGHT
I COULD HAVE BOTH.
I HAD TO WORK
BECAUSE WE WERE POOR.
WE DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR ME
TO GO TO COLLEGE,
AND I NEEDED TO SUPPORT MY MOM
AND MY FAMILY.
AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS HUNGRY.
YOU BETTER ENJOY
THOSE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS
OF YOUR MOMMY SMOTHERING YOU.
- I KNOW.
GIRL, YOU BETTER ENJOY
THE LAST COUPLE MONTHS
OF ME BECAUSE
YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN MY ROOM,
IT'S GONNA BE SO QUIET.
- I'LL BE CRYING. OH, MY GOD.
IT'S NOT THAT IT'S
THE FIRST TIME WE ARE APART.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS TIME,
IT'S FOR REAL.
OF COURSE I'M GONNA CRY
MY EYES OUT
WHEN THE DAY COMES.
I MEAN, JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT
MAKES ME WANT TO CRY.
I'M SAD.
- ARE YOU CRYING?
- YEAH.
I JUST GOT SAD,
THE THOUGHT OF YOU LEAVING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
SOMETIMES EVERYONE'S LIKE,
"WHY ARE SUCH A CRIER?"
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW."
AND THEN, OBVIOUSLY,
'CAUSE YOU CAN CRY OFF
LIKE A FRICKIN' DROP OF A PIN.
- WELL, IT'S NOT
A DROP OF A PIN.
- [laughs]
- YOU'RE MY BABY...
- WELL, I'M NOT GONE, YET.
- AND YOU'RE LEAVING ME.
YEAH, BUT IT'S SAD, YOU KNOW?
- [laughs] YEAH.
I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU, BABY.
- HI.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD, I THINK A RESERVATION
FOR JONATHAN?
- FOR TWO, RIGHT?
- YEAH. THANKS.
THANK YOU.
- DO YOU WANT A BEVERAGE
WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?
- I WOULD LOVE... DO YOU HAVE
A ROSE THAT'S NOT SPARKLY?
- MM-HMM.
- PERFECT.
I'LL HAVE THAT. THANK YOU.
- HEY.
- OH, HELLO.
I WAS LOOKING FOR THE WAITER.
- HOW WE DOING?
- YEAH, I WAS...
I WAS LIKE, "I NEED MY WATER."
HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD.
I ALWAYS GET WORRIED WHEN
I GET THE DOUBLE KISS HELLO.
- BUT I ALWAYS DO
THE DOUBLE KISS.
I THINK I DO. - NO.
- J.R. IS A PAIN IN MY ASS.
BUT IT'S HARD BECAUSE YOU GET
ATTACHED TO SOMEONE,
AND THEN YOU'RE USED
TO HAVING SOMEONE AROUND
WHEN THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND.
AND THEN IT'S LIKE
LONELY, CRICKETS.
SO THEN HE COMES BACK
FOR VISITS.
ARE YOU HUNGRY? - YES.
- HAVE A DRINK 'CAUSE WE NEED
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.
- OH, ARE WE GONNA HAVE
THE TALK?
- UM...
[sighs]
YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY
THE BOYS HAVE MET
IN LIKE A LONG TIME,
BUT THEY OBVIOUSLY KNOW YOU
AS MY FRIEND,
THE REAL ESTATE AGENT,
AND THEY REALLY LIKE YOU.
- I'VE ENJOYED IT.
THE KIDS ARE GREAT.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE
TO BE AROUND THEM.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- THE ROUND ONES ARE
THE CALAMARI,
AND THE HALF ONES
ARE THE SHRIMP.
- THANKS A LOT.
- I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU
AS A FRIEND.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND I REALLY...
'CAUSE I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE,
BUT I THINK THAT IT'S OVER.
- I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.
- DITTO.
- AND I ENJOY SPENDING TIME
WITH YOU
AND ALL THE TIME
WE SPEND TOGETHER.
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO TURN IT OFF RIGHT AWAY.
- UNLESS YOU GO TO TEXAS
AND FORGET TO TELL ME
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO TEXAS,
'CAUSE THAT'S ALWAYS FUN.
- RIGHT.
- NO ONE JUST
ALL OF A SUDDEN SAYS,
"OH, BY THE WAY,
I JUST GOT ON AN AIRPLANE,
AND I'M GOING TO TEXAS."
YOU DIDN'T BOOK THAT ON FRIDAY.
YOU HAVE TO PLAN THAT [bleep].
WITH ALL YOUR COUPLE FRIENDS,
AND YOU DON'T TELL ME,
AND I'M NOT INVITED,
AND IT'S LAST MINUTE,
"OH, BY THE WAY,
I'M ON A PLANE?"
- THIS AWESOME THING IS REALLY...
THIS IS...
THIS IS THE CRUX
OF IT ALL, ISN'T IT?
- EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER.
AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE?
SO, OF COURSE,
IT TRIGGERS MY TRUST ISSUES.
- THERE WASN'T ANYTHING SHADY,
BUT I'M SORRY.
- YOU WENT ON A "COUPLES' TRIP"
AS A SINGLE GUY
WHEN WE WERE DATING,
WHICH IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.
- CLEARLY.
- YEAH.
IT'S A DEAL-BREAKER.
I ABSOLUTELY HAVE A LOT
OF [bleep] UP ISSUES.
ALL RIGHT, WE SHOULD GO.
- I AGREE.
- YEAH, SO LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T TRUST ANYONE,
AND I'D RATHER
BREAK UP WITH THEM
THAN HAVE THEM BREAK UP WITH ME.
SO I'M ALL [bleep] UP, YEAH.
WELCOME TO DIVORCE, BITCH.
I KIND OF AM A LITTLE TIPSY.
YOU'RE DRIVING ME HOME, RIGHT?
- YES.
[dial tone rings]
- HELLO?
- HI, DARLING.
IT'S ME.
- HI, MOMMY. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M OKAY.
I'M STILL NOT FEELING GREAT.
DANCING WITH THE STARS
IS SO PHYSICALLY TAXING.
I'M GOING TO THE STUDIO NOW,
YOU KNOW, TO...
- YOU SHOULD BE IN BED,
NOT DANCING.
- IN ONE WAY, IT WOULD BE GOOD
TO BE VOTED OFF
BECAUSE I FEEL ABSOLUTELY
EXHAUSTED, DEPLETED.
MY GLANDS ARE HURTING.
I STILL GOT A TEMPERATURE.
BUT IT'S A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD
BECAUSE NOBODY REALLY WANTS
TO GO HOME.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
- TEXT ME BEFORE YOU GO ON,
AND I'LL... I'LL TRY AND SEE YOU
BEFORE YOU GO ON.
AND THEN,
I'LL SEE YOU AFTERWARDS.
- COME TO THE TRAILER.
BRING THE SEX MONSTER.
- I WILL.
- THE SEX MONSTER NOT BEING
YOUR FATHER, BY THE WAY.
[laughs]
- OH, DEAR. THANKS FOR THAT.
[laughs]
- FROM HOLLYWOOD, THIS IS
DANCING WITH THE STARS.
[cheers and applause]
- I COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SKIPPED
THE DANCE
AND REALLY KIND OF BOWED OUT
OF IT.
NOBODY EXPECTED ME TO DANCE,
AND MY DOCTOR SAID,
"I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD."
- THE COUPLE WITH
THE LOWEST COMBINED TOTAL
OF SCORES AND VOTES
AND THEREFORE
LEAVING RIGHT NOW IS...
- I THOUGHT,
"YOU KNOW, SCREW IT.
"I'M GONNA PUT MYSELF OUT THERE
AND LET THE AUDIENCE DECIDE."
- LISA AND GLEB.
All: AW.
- I WAS OKAY WITH IT.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK
I WOULD HAVE HAD THE REST
THAT I PROBABLY NEED THIS WEEK
IF I WAS GONNA CARRY ON.
- DO YOU FEEL RELIEVED?
- I MEAN, I'M SOMEWHAT RELIEVED
BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE HONEST,
THIS WEEK'S BEEN
SO DIFFICULT FOR ME
KIND OF PHYSICALLY.
- CHA-CHA...
- MOSTLY ONLINE, I'VE SEEN A LOT
OF SUPPORT FOR YOU,
AND THEY'RE HAPPY YOU DANCED.
THERE ARE A FEW CYNICS THAT
SUGGESTED THAT IT WAS FAKED.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S BULL-[bleep].
NOT INTERESTED.
IF I CARED
WHAT PEOPLE SAID REALLY,
WOULD I BE IN
THIS STUPID GAME ANYWAY?
GIVE ME A BREAK.
I DON'T REALLY CARE,
TO BE HONEST.
IS THAT A TERRIBLE THING?
- HEY.
- HEY.
- SO GOOD.
- GREAT JOB.
- YOU JUST HOPE YOUR FRIENDS
SUPPORT YOU.
BUT THE REST OF THE WORLD
CAN BUGGER OFF.
- [laughs]
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S BEEN AMAZING.
I MEAN, IT REALLY HAS.
IT'S BEEN
AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE.
- IF YOU'D DONE
THAT CHA-CHA HEALTHY...
- WATCH OUT.
- WATCH OUT.
- IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
- AMAZING, I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
- YEAH, YOU WERE GREAT.
- YOU WERE GREAT.
- I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD HAVE...
THEY SHOULD HAVE
VOTED YOU OFF, ACTUALLY.
- SIX WEEKS, WE SET ASIDE
EVERYTHING FOR SIX WEEKS.
- WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU.
- I KNOW.
- THIS IS HOW YOU GO OUT
FOR DINNER, LIKE THIS?
YOU JUST PUT IT OVER
YOUR CHA-CHA UNIFORM?
- YEAH, EXACTLY, I'M GONNA
CHA-CHA MY WAY OUT OF HERE.
BUT IT'S BEEN... I CAN GO BACK
TO BEING YOUR WIFE.
I'VE BEEN A LOUSY MOTHER,
A LOUSY FRIEND,
A LOUSY WIFE,
A LOUSY BUSINESSWOMAN.
MY WHOLE LIFE WAS ON HOLD JUST
FOR DANCING WITH THE STARS.
BUT WOW, WHAT AN EXPERIENCE.
- I THINK YOU GET THE AWARD
FOR THE COOLEST MOTHER
EVER, ACTUALLY.
- AND THE COOLEST WIFE.
- COMING UP....
- LET'S TALK ABOUT LISA
ON DANCING WITH THE STARS.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE FAINT
SO PRETTY AND PERFECT.
[sighs]
[laughs]
- ELIZY?
- YEAH?
- IRONICALLY, I DON'T THINK
I HAVE ENOUGH ALCOHOL.
- REALLY?
- NO.
- MOST LADIES DRINK WHITE WINE
OR CHAMPAGNE.
I DON'T KNOW.
- I HAVE WHITE WINE.
- OKAY.
I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- YAY.
- I LOVE YOU.
- [laughs]
- I DO.
- [bleep]
- ARE YOU EXCITED FOR TODAY?
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH.
[door closes]
- HI.
- HI.
- OH, YOU GOT THE GIFT?
- I HAVE A GIFT.
- OH, GOOD.
- MWAH.
- OOH.
OH, OH. [laughs]
- I'M NOT KISSING BOTH
OF YOUR CHEEKS.
YOU'RE MY SISTER.
- HI.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- OH, YOU LOOK PRETTY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU? GOOD?
- GOOD.
- HELLO.
MWAH. MWAH. [laughs]
- LOOK HOW TALL I AM.
- WHAT?
- IT'S A BLACK PARTY ALMOST,
EXCEPT FOR...
- I KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT...
- CO... COLORFUL HAIR.
- I LOVE IT.
- NOT FOR YOU.
- OH. THANK YOU SO MUCH,
- I'M LIKE, "NICE."
SHOULD WE OPEN IT?
- WE CAN,
BUT THEN I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO GIVE CARLTON.
- OH, NEVER MIND. [laughter]
- I FIND CARLTON TO BE LIKE
A LITTLE DARK AND EDGY,
AND I LIKE THAT,
SO I'M THINKING HER HOUSE
IS GONNA BE
A LITTLE DARK AND EDGY.
LISA IS AT THE RESTAURANT.
SHE'S GONNA COME LATE, AND
YOLANDA'S DRIVING BY HERSELF.
SO...
- WHY IS YOLANDA GOING
BY HERSELF?
- WELL, SHE'S COMING
FROM MALIBU,
SO IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE
FOR HER TO COME UP HERE.
PLUS, SHE HATES YOU. - YEAH.
- SO THERE'S ALWAYS THAT.
- NO LOVE LOST THERE.
- WE COULD ACTUALLY MIX
THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER.
- OKAY.
WHOO! OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- MY KIND OF SALAD.
I DON'T COOK IN THE KITCHEN.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE I COOK.
- I CAN'T FIND
A CHAMPAGNE BUCKET ANYWHERE.
- I KNOW I HAVE ONE.
ELIZY IS GOING TO DOUBLE
AS ONE OF MY SERVERS TODAY.
AND THEN I HAVE ANOTHER
GIRLFRIEND, CARLYN,
ALSO HELPING WITH THE SERVING.
WELL, I LOVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,
AND THAT'S
WHAT I SURROUND MYSELF WITH.
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A THING
OF MAYONNAISE ON THE TABLE,
AND THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE,
"WHAT IS GOING ON?"
- I'M [bleep] ENGLISH.
I EAT [bleep] MAYONNAISE
WITH EVERYTHING.
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO?
- HI. OH, MY GOD.
YOU LOOK STUNNING.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
MY FAVORITE CANDLE.
THERE'S TIMES
WHEN YOU MEET A WOMAN
THAT YOU'RE INSTANTLY
ATTRACTED TO,
AND I HAD THAT WITH CARLTON.
- THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND, A.C.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- HI, A.C.
I'M YOLANDA.
- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- JUST ONE WATER, BABY.
- THAT'S IT?
- YEAH.
- THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HER
THAT IS VERY GROUNDED AND REAL
THAT I LIKE.
SO HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD.
- YOU'RE GOOD?
- YEAH.
- HOW ARE THE KIDS?
- LOVELY.
- AND DESTINY IS... IS HOW OLD?
12?
- UM, SHE'S GONNA BE 11 IN JUNE.
- MY GIGI, MY OLDEST ONE,
IS MOVING TO NEW YORK.
- HOW OLD IS SHE AGAIN?
- 18.
JUST TURNED 18.
- MY SON JUST TURNED TOO.
- SO SPECIAL, OOH.
BOYS ARE SO YUMMY.
- I KNOW. I DO THAT TO MY SON.
- SO CUTE.
- SO INAPPROPRIATE.
- ISN'T IT?
- WELL, I ASKED
FOR HIS TONGUE, SO...
- [laughs] YOU DIDN'T.
- DID TOO.
- OH, MY GOD.
- YOU CAN'T DO THAT MUCH LONGER.
[laughter]
THAT IS NAUGHTY. - YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOLANDA HAS A GREAT SENSE
OF HUMOR, WHICH I LOVE.
I LOVE A WOMAN THAT IS SECURE
IN HERSELF,
THAT CAN LAUGH AT HERSELF,
AND DOESN'T TAKE THINGS
TOO SERIOUSLY.
- SO LAST NIGHT,
OUR NEW PUPPY HAS HAD DIARRHEA.
SO I PUT HER IN
SOPHIA'S BATHROOM
'CAUSE IT'S ALL TILE.
3:30 IN THE MORNING, I WAKE UP.
DIARRHEA EVERYWHERE.
3:30 IN THE MORNING,
HAVING TO CLEAN IT UP.
- PUPPIES ARE HARDER
THAN BABIES.
- THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
- I REALLY THINK SO.
- BRANDI, 1,000%.
ANYWAY, LET'S HAVE
A BETTER CONVERSATION.
THIS IS A VERY
GLAMOROUS CONVERSATION.
OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT
MORE INTERESTING THINGS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT LISA
ON DANCING WITH THE STARS.
- DID YOU GUYS WATCH LAST NIGHT?
- NO.
- I DID.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, IT WAS GOOD.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T GOOD.
SHE GOT ELIMINATED. SORRY.
- AW.
- NO.
BUT I THINK
THAT SHE WAS SO EXHAUSTED.
I THINK SHE REALLY WANTED
TO GO HOME.
- I THINK SO TOO.
- YEAH SHE WAS JUST LIKE...
- SHE WAS LIKE,
"GET ME OUT OF HERE."
- SHE WAS LIKE...
- SHE'S LIKE, "WHATEVER."
- SHE DID HER LITTLE FAINT
AND WAS LIKE...
"OH, I HAVE
AN E-TICKET OUT OF HERE."
- SHE FAINTED?
- I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE FAINT
SO PRETTY AND PERFECT.
[laughter]
IT WAS A PRINCESS FAINT.
SHE FELL LIKE THIS. [sighs]
- CLEARLY KIM AND I ARE NOT
THE ONLY ONES
WHO ARE SUSPICIOUS
OF LISA'S FAINT,
BECAUSE BRANDI DEFINITELY HAS
HER OPINIONS
ABOUT LISA'S
"PERFECT FAINT" TOO.
- WAS IT A FAKE FAINT?
I WANT TO SEE IT.
- WELL, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE
FOR YOURSELF.
FOR ME LIKE JUST WATCHING IT,
I WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU SURE
YOU DIDN'T JUST WANT TO LEAVE?"
AND SHE'S LIKE,
"BRANDI, I HURT MY SHOULDER
"SO HARD GOING DOWN.
"I HAD ALL THE BODY WEIGHT
ON MY SHOULDER WHEN I FELL."
I'M LIKE,
"HE WAS HOLDING YOUR HAND."
[laughter] - TO THE VERY END.
SHE WAS HOLDING HIS...
THEY LIKE...
[sighs] OH.
[laughs]
- THIS LOOKS LIKE A...
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT LOOKS VERY GOTH.
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- IT'S VERY GOTH. I LIKE IT.
- MY GOSH.
IT'S LIKE A...
- LIKE A CHURCH.
- BLESSED BE.
- CARLTON'S HOUSE IS INCREDIBLE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY CASTLE.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE IN
A MOVIE SET,
LIKE THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK.
I'M THE BLOND ONE, MICHELLE.
- AND WHAT IS THIS?
LIKE A CRYSTAL BALL.
- WE'RE AT HARRY POTTER'S HOUSE.
[laughter]
- AREN'T WE SUPPOSED
TO JUST WALK IN?
- I DON'T KNOW HER
WELL ENOUGH YET.
- HI, SORRY. all: HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO.
- WE'RE ALL TRYING
TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE.
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- NICE TO SEE YOU, HOW ARE YOU?
- HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING
FROM MY SISTER, KIM, AND ME.
- WOW, THIS IS GORGEOUS.
- MWAH. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- THIS IS FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S ALCOHOL.
- BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
- THIS IS AMAZING.
IT'S LIKE A CASTLE.
- I LOVE YOUR HOME.
- I WAS SAYING IT'S VERY GOTH.
IT'S VERY ROCK AND ROLL.
I LOVE IT, BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU.
- HI.
- HELLO.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD.
- HI, MAMI.
- MWAH.
HOW ARE YOU? - HOW ARE YOU?
- GORGEOUS.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- WHEN I SAW YOLANDA AT MY HOUSE
FOR THE CHAMBER
OF COMMERCE PARTY,
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY UNCOMFORTABLE.
- HAVE YOU SAID HELLO TO KYLE?
- NO, WE JUST WALKED IN.
- OKAY.
- OH, LORD.
- BUT I FEEL LIKE
WE ALREADY BROKE THE ICE.
AND HOPEFULLY,
WE CAN JUST MOVE FORWARD.
- DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK?
- YES.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS...
- DO YOU WANT TO MOVE IT...
- SO BEAUTIFUL.
- I'M NOT WAITING FOR
KYLE RICHARDS TO LIKE ME.
I HAVE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO DO THAN THAT.
- THANK YOU.
- SO WERE YOU RAISED CATHOLIC?
NO, I'M JUST WONDERING
BECAUSE OF ALL THE CROSSES.
CHRISTIAN OR CATHOLIC.
- IT IS TAKING A LOT OF ME
TO CONTROL MYSELF.
[laughs] - I'M SORRY.
WHAT WAS THAT? [laughter]
- I DON'T EVER MEET PEOPLE
FOR THE FIRST TIME
AND ASK THEM
WHAT THEIR RELIGION IS.
I THINK IT'S RUDE
AND INAPPROPRIATE.
- HELLO?
- HI.
- [gasps]
I CAN SEE THAT YOU DON'T
LOVE PINK, BUT...
- YOU LOOK [bleep] GORGEOUS.
- EVERYTHING WAS ROSES OUTSIDE.
- OH, MY GOSH, THANK YOU.
- OH, THEY'RE FROM MY GARDEN.
SO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT
SOME DARK BLOOD
RED ROSES INSTEAD.
I THINK I CALLED IT WRONG.
- HELLO, DANCING QUEEN.
- HELLO, HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HI. OH.
OKAY. MWAH. MWAH.
HELLO. - YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- HOW ARE YOU?
EXHAUSTED FROM DANCING?
- YEAH.
WHAT'S EVERYBODY DRINKING?
IS IT... - TEQUILA SHOTS.
- NO, I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA.
[overlapping chatter]
IS THAT OKAY? - I'M JOKING.
WE'RE NOT DRINKING
TEQUILA SHOTS.
- I'LL HAVE WHATEVER.
- OKAY, LET ME SHOW YOU
THE DOLLS.
- PINKY, YOU MADE IT.
- WHY DO DOLLS FREAK ME OUT?
- WAIT.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY DOLLS...
YOU KNOW, AS A LITTLE GIRL...
- THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
- NO, THEY'RE GORGEOUS.
- THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
- LOOK AT THIS DRESS.
- BUT THEY ALSO LOOK LIKE...
THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL,
BUT THEY ALSO LOOK LIKE,
AT NIGHT... THAT THEY'LL WAKE UP...
- AND COME AND MURDER YOU.
- YEAH, LIKE COME DOWN
THE HALLWAY.
- LIKE CHUCKY.
♪♪ DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN ♪♪
- IF I WERE TO SHOW
ONE OF THOSE DOLLS TO PORTIA,
SHE MAY CRY.
CREEPY.
- OUR SISTER KATHY
COLLECTS DOLLS.
- DO THEY SCARE YOU TOO?
- WELL, SHE JUST DOES
LIKE MADAME ALEXANDER,
NOT LIKE THESE KIND OF FACES.
- THIS ONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
- I CAN JUST SEE THEM LIKE
WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WHILE EVERYBODY'S SLEEPING,
LIKE "OOH, OOH."
YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF...
[gasps].
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FAINTED.
- THE WHOLE THING WAS REALLY...
- YEAH, A NIGHTMARE.
- BUT YOU...
- BUT IT'S DONE.
- A BIT OF CONTROVERSY
IN THE CAR ON THE WAY OVER
ABOUT WHETHER YOU FAINTED
FOR REAL OR FOR NOT REAL.
- FOR REAL OR NOT REAL?
- SHE FAINTED.
- [laughs]
- FAKING HER FAINTING?
- YES, THERE'S JUST A CON...
IT WAS A CONTROVERSY.
- WHAT'S THE UPSIDE OF...
- I DON'T KNOW.
- THEY THOUGHT
SHE FAKED FAINTING?
- WHO DID?
- YEAH!
- OH, MY GOD.
- NO, IT WAS JUST THEY...
THEY SAID, "DO YOU THINK
IT'S REAL OR NOT REAL?"
- OH, GOD.
HAVE THEY GOT NOTHING
ELSE BITCHY
TO TALK ABOUT APART FROM ME?
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE
GOT HERE EARLIER.
YOU THINK MAYBE YOUR FRIENDS
WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE,
OR WOULD THAT BE TOO MUCH
TO ASK?
AND I HOPE THAT BRANDI
HASN'T BEEN PART OF IT.
WHAT... WHAT, WAS I GOING TO FAKE
THE SWOLLEN GLANDS AND FEVER
AS WELL?
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I WENT
STRAIGHT TO THE DOCTOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
- WE WERE ALL JUST JOKING.
IT WASN'T A BAD THING.
- I'M SURE YOU HAD MY BACK.
- [laughs] NO, I DID.
I SAID THAT YOU SAID
YOU FAINTED.
IT WAS REAL.
- ALSO I HURT MY ROTATOR CUFF.
SO WHAT'S THIS?
SO I HEAR YOU GUYS THINK,
AFTER ALL THIS TIME
YOU'VE KNOWN ME,
BRANDI SAID THAT...
- I DIDN'T SAY THEY THINK.
I SAID THERE... THERE WAS A
CONVERSATION ABOUT THE FAINTING.
- I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT.
I HAVE TO WATCH IT.
- I DON'T FAKE ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW THAT THE MORE
YOU GET TO KNOW ME.
- I SAID THAT YOU DON'T
LOOK LIKE A FAKER,
BUT I WANTED TO SEE IT
BECAUSE EVERYBODY
WAS TALKING ABOUT IT.
- I SAID YOU LOOK HONEST.
- WHO SAID THAT?
WHO JUST SAID THIS?
- I SAID THERE WAS
A CONVERSATION ON THE WAY...
- YOU SHOULD SHOW IT TO ME
RIGHT NOW SO I CAN SEE IT.
- I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT
TO SEE IT AGAIN, THANK YOU.
- NO?
- I DIDN'T START
THE CONVERSATION.
- OH, I THOUGHT YOU DID. OKAY.
- I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT,
SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.
- THE LAST THING I NEED IS
MORE PROBLEMS WITH LISA.
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT
THE BLAME ON ME?
THANKS, BRANDI.
- BRANDI SAID YOU DID
FALL BEAUTIFUL,
LIKE A SOAP OPERA.
- WITH GRACE?
- ANYWAY, AT LEAST WE'VE GOT
THAT LITTLE ISSUE
CLEARED UP, RIGHT?
- HEY, LISA.
- AND SHE'S IRRITATED.
- DON'T BE UPSET.
- I FEEL REALLY CRAPPY
ABOUT TALKING IN THE LIMO
ABOUT LISA FAINTING.
IT CAME OUT REALLY
KIND OF BITCHY.
- COMING UP...
- WHEN YOU SPEND SIX WEEKS
IN SOMEBODY'S ARMS...
- DO YOU FEEL HORNY WHEN
YOU'RE DANCING WITH HIM, OKAY?
[laughter]
- YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME.
AND HE HAD A HARD-ON. [laughter]
- CARLTON, WHAT IS THIS?
- IT'S A CONFESSIONAL.
- A CONFESSIONAL?
- ARE... A PRIEST IS IN THERE.
- THAT CONFESSIONAL HAS SEEN
QUITE A BIT OF ACTION,
NOT JUST FROM ME OR DAVID.
- COOL. I WANT TO CONFESS.
COME. GO, GO.
LET'S DO IT.
- IT'S A CONFESSIONAL.
- OH, MY GOSH.
BRANDI, YOU'RE GONNA BE
IN THERE AWHILE.
- I ACTUALLY DON'T SIN
THAT MUCH,
BUT WHEN I DO,
THEY'RE GOOD ONES.
I'M GONNA...
I HAVE TOO MANY SECRETS.
[laughter]
NO WAY.
- I LOVE ALL YOUR MAGIC BALLS.
[laughter]
- I LOVE THEM.
- THERE'S A BALL THEME GOING ON.
- WHAT... WHAT DO
THE BALLS REPRESENT?
- THERE'S A COUPLE OF WORDS
FOR THEM.
THEY'RE WITCHES' BALLS
OR VICTORIAN BALLS.
THEY JUST... THEY GRAB NEGATIVE
ENERGY, AND THEY TRAP IT.
- OH, I LOVE THAT.
I OUGHT TO BE CHOCK FULL
OF THOSE AT MY HOUSE.
[laughter]
- WELL, HAVE YOU EVER EXPLORED
WITH WITCHCRAFT?
- REALLY?
KYLE WITH THE BLOODY
DUMB QUESTIONS.
IT'S BLOODY RUDE.
- NO, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN LIKE FUN WITCHCRAFT.
- YOU WANT TO FIND OUT ABOUT ME?
GET TO KNOW ME, BUT DON'T TRY
AND SHOCK VALUE ME
IN FRONT OF PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW.
I KNOW HOW THAT [bleep] WORKS.
I'VE KNOWN GIRLS LIKE YOU.
- I MEAN, I DON'T LIKE MEAN
CAST A SPELL
OR FLY ON A BROOM.
- YES, I AM A WITCH.
WICCA, WHICH IS WHAT I PRACTICE,
THE WHITE SIDE,
WHICH IS MOTHER NATURE,
ALL-ENCOMPASSING,
IS TRULY ABOUT THE MIRACLES
THAT EXIST ON THIS PLANET.
- I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS A JET...
LIKE SHE IS A WITCH.
- WHAT DOES A WITCH
REALLY MEAN, THOUGH?
I PICTURE LIKE A BROOM AND
A WART ON THE END OF HER NOSE.
- I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN WICCA
SINCE SEVEN YEARS OLD.
MY GRANDMOTHER WAS PRACTICING.
AND MY MOM, SHE WAS PSYCHIC.
- WELL, I BELIEVE IN SPIRITS,
BUT DOESN'T MEAN I'M A WITCH.
- WELL, MY MO... OUR MOM USED
TO SAY SHE WAS A WITCH.
MY MOM USED TO SAY
SHE WAS A WITCH.
- HAVE I PRACTICED DARK?
I HAVE PRACTICED DARK.
BUT NOW, I PRACTICE LIGHT,
AND THAT'S ALL I PRACTICE
BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN.
I WOULD NEVER GO
TO THE DARK SIDE.
NOT AGAIN.
- DIDN'T MOM USED
TO ALWAYS SAY THAT?
- WHAT?
- SHE SAID, "WELL, I'M A WITCH.
I KNOW EVERYTHING."
- I THINK SHE DID THAT
TO LIKE SCARE US.
- THERE ARE A COUPLE OF WITCHES
IN OUR GROUP,
BUT I DON'T THINK
CARLTON'S ONE OF THEM.
CAN I HAVE A LOOK AROUND, YEAH?
- I LOVE THIS FEELING, THOUGH.
IT FEELS LIKE A CHURCH FEELING.
- YEAH, I WANTED... THE IDEA WAS
THAT WE WANTED TO HAVE,
KIND OF, THE CHURCH,
THE CASTLE, FEEL.
SO THEN I MADE IT GOTHIC.
THIS IS OUR BOUDOIR.
- OKAY, THAT LOOKS LIKE...
- OH, THAT IS HUGE!
- UH-OH, THAT SAYS
A LOT ABOUT CARLTON.
- OH, MY GOD! REALLY?
- OH, OH, CARLTON.
- HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN HERE?
- SEXY HEXY.
- YOU COULD DO SOME CRAZY THINGS
ON THAT BED, I'M SURE.
I'M GOING TO GET ONE
WHEN I'M RICH.
- OH, MY GOD.
WE COULD ALL SLEEP IN THERE.
- YES.
- THAT IS HUGE.
- YES. [all laugh]
- DON'T YOU FEEL GUILTY HAVING
SEX WITH A CROSS ABOVE YOUR BED?
- NO, NOT AT ALL.
I WELCOME IT. - [laughs]
- I REALLY WOULD NOT WANT TO
HAVE A CROSS HANGING
ABOVE MY BED.
LIKE SOMEONE'S
WATCHING DOWN ON ME.
THIS HOUSE MAKES ME WANT TO GET
THE OUIJA BOARD OUT.
- MAYBE IT IS A LITTLE UNUSUAL
TO HAVE THIS
KIND OF GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE.
WHERE I COME FROM IN ENGLAND,
IT'S REALLY QUITE COMMON.
BUT THIS IS TAKING IT
TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
- WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THE MIDDLE
WHERE THE KITTY CAT IS?
- I'M... BUT,
I'M NOT SITTING HERE,
JUST SO YOU KNOW.
I DON'T ACTUALLY
LIKE HEADS OF TABLE...
- RIGHT.
- OR ANY OF THAT SILLY [bleep]...
SO... - SO ONE OF US HAS TO
BECAUSE WE'RE AN ODD NUMBER.
- PLEASE.
- PLEASE, GO AHEAD.
- WELL, THEN I FEEL... WELL.
I MEAN... STOP.
- SHE'S LIKE,
"IF YOU ALL INSIST."
- I THINK IT'S REALLY POMPOUS
FOR ME, IN MY HOME,
TO SIT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE
AND HAVE ALL OF MY LITTLE LADIES
SIT EITHER SIDE OF THIS TABLE.
I DON'T DO THAT.
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
WELL, THIS FEELS
INCREDIBLY AWKWARD.
[laughs]
- I'M ASSUMING THAT CARLTON'S
GOING TO SIT THERE
AND, YOU KNOW,
PLAY THE QUEEN BITCH.
BUT SHE KIND OF LEFT IT
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.
[all laugh]
- THANKS, BABY.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
[indistinct chatter]
- THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- I SEE ALL THESE PRETTY WOMEN
RUNNING AROUND.
- THERE ARE HOT GIRLS.
- WHO ARE THEY?
- THERE'S A LOT OF HOT GIRLS
IN THE HOUSE.
- WHO'S THE GIRL IN THE BLUE
DRESS THAT JUST WENT BY?
- OH...
- AND THERE'S ANOTHER GIRL.
- ELIZY'S THE BLOND
IN THE BLUE DRESS.
SHE'S MY NANNY FOR MY SON. - OH.
- I BELIEVE IN HAVING
A HOT NANNY FOR MY SON.
- REALLY?
- YEAH. SHE'S FUNNY.
SHE HAS, LIKE, SOMETHING
THAT MAKES MY TOES CURL.
- MY HUMOR MAKES YOUR TOES...
BECAUSE I HAVE TOILET HUMOR.
THAT'S WHY. - YES, EXACTLY.
- IT'S FUNNY
BECAUSE I WAS ON VACATION
AND CINDY CRAWFORD WAS IN OUR
GROUP AND SHE WAS, LIKE...
SHE HAD THE HOTTEST NANNY.
I ASKED HER... I SAID, "WHY DO YOU
HAVE SUCH A HOT NANNY?
"ARE YOU NOT WORRIED?
"LIKE, 'CAUSE I WOULD BE WORRIED
WITH MY EX-HUSBAND."
AND SHE GOES, "BRANDI,
I HAVE TO LOOK AT HER, TOO."
- YEAH.
- OOH!
- SO I WANT HIM
TO KNOW BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
- THERE'S NO 200 POUND MINIMUM
IN THIS HOUSE?
- [bleep] NO.
- [laughs]
- BON APPETIT, GUYS.
I AM SO HUNGRY.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A BITE.
- ME, TOO.
- SO, CARLTON?
- YEAH?
- I LOVE YOUR HOUSE
AND WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU GUYS
TO BUILD THIS HOUSE?
- TO BUILD IT?
PROBABLY ABOUT THREE YEARS.
- AND YOUR HUSBAND'S
FROM NEW YORK, RIGHT?
- YEAH, DAVID WAS BORN
IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK.
- WELL, BACK TO HOW WE MET YOU.
HOW DID YOU... CARLTON,
WHAT DO YOU GUYS...
- YES.
- WHAT IS YOUR ASSOCIATION
WITH THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE?
- DAVID'S FAMILY,
UM, THEIR BUSINESS
IS PART OF THE CHAMBER
OF COMMERCE.
- OH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
- AND WHAT'S YOUR BLOOD TYPE?
[all laugh]
I'M JUST FOOLING WITH YOU.
[cat growl]
- BLOOD TYPE. THAT'S FUNNY.
- NO, I'M JUST
TRYING TO GET, YOU KNOW,
TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.
- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN I MET YOU... - YEAH?
- I FELT YOU HAD,
LIKE, AN EDGE TO YOU.
I SAID THAT TO YOU. - SHE DID.
NOT IN A BAD WAY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
- NO, MEANING...
- SHE SAID THAT SHE LIKED YOU.
LIKE YOU'RE...
LIKE A GOOD [bleep].
- NICE. I LIKE THOSE.
NOW THIS IS A WORD
THAT I REALLY HATE.
BUT BRANDI USED IT WITH ME,
AND I HONESTLY WAS NOT
OFFENDED BY IT AT ALL.
- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
- LIKE A GOOD ONE.
LIKE, [bleep] IN A GOOD WAY.
- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, BRANDI.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, BECAUSE
KYLE SAYS SOMETHING SO LITTLE
AS, "WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?"
AND CARLTON TAKES IT PERSONAL.
BUT THEN BRANDI CALLS CARLTON
A "SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY,"
AND SHE DOESN'T REACT.
I DON'T GET IT.
- WHO SAYS THAT?
CAN'T YOU THINK
OF SOMETHING ELSE?
- SHE SAYS.
- COME ON.
- IT'S BRANDI, BABE.
- I KNOW.
- LET HER BE.
- NO, I LIKE IT.
- GOSH!
THESE ARE THE MOMENTS
I WANT TO TAKE YOU OUTSIDE.
- GO BACK TO YOUR SWEET
SHUT THE [bleep] UP DAYS.
THEY WERE SO MUCH NICER.
- YEAH, YOUR INNOCENT...
THOSE INNOCENT DAYS.
- REMEMBER WHEN YOU
ONLY USED THE F-WORD?
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
- BUT YOU KNOW,
YOU NEED TO LEARN
THAT YOU'RE NOT HER
MOTHER. YOU'RE HER GIRLFRIEND.
-I KNOW, BUT I'M STILL...
- SO YOU GOTTA LET IT GO.
BRANDI IS BRANDI.
SHE IS PLAYFUL WITH WORDS.
THAT'S WHO SHE IS.
YOU CAN'T TAKE IT SERIOUS.
- JUST PUT SOME HANDCUFFS ON ME.
- I DON'T... NO. KEN CAN DO THAT.
- I HANDCUFFS
IF WE NEED THEM RIGHT NOW.
[laughs]
- SHE DID SAY THAT YOU'RE
A NICE [bleep], YOU KNOW?
I SUPPOSE THAT'S SOMEWHAT OF
A COMPLEMENT COMING FROM BRANDI.
- SO, LISA, HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE WHOLE...
- THE WORD [bleep]?
- NO, NOT THAT WORD.
- GLEB.
- IS IT GLEB OR GELB?
- DANCING WITH THE STARS...
- GELB.
- ARE YOU GLAD IT'S OVER?
- IT'S HER BOYFRIEND.
- ARE YOU...
- SHE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM.
- OH, STOP.
- NO, SHE IS.
- WHEN YOU SPEND SIX WEEKS
IN SOME...
- DO YOU FEEL HORNY
WHEN YOU'RE DANCING WITH HIM?
[laughter]
LET'S JUST
CUT TO THE CHASE, LISA!
ENOUGH OF YOUR ENGLISH
BEATING AROUND THE BUSH.
NO PUN INTENDED. [laughs]
- LET ME TELL YOU.
- HE TOLD ME HER FAVORITE MOVE
WAS TO GRIND ON HIM.
- YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME
AND HE HAD A HARD ON. - [laughs]
- [mimics Lisa]
SHE WILL TELL YOU
THAT THERE IS A SENSE
OF LOVE THERE, DARLING.
YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER
WITH YOUR BODY
ON THE OTHER PERSON'S BODY.
OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
SOME... NOW I WENT, LIKE,
BRITISH AND THEN DUTCH
AND THEN IRISH.
- I WANT A MAN LIKE MY HUSBAND
WHO'S GRATEFUL
WHEN I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF.
NOT LIKE SOME 29-YEAR-OLD
WHO'S LIKE,
"OH, I'VE COME TO SHAG HER
BEFORE SHE CROAKS."
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- OH, [bleep] THAT.
NOBODY LOOKS AT YOU
AND SAYS THAT.
- OH, COME ON.
- OH, PLEASE.
- WOULD YOU WANT TO GO TO BED
WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S 29 YEARS OLD?
- YOU?
- WOULD YOU?
- GO TO BED WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S 29?
- YEAH. NO, NOT REALLY.
- NO, 'CAUSE I CAN'T EVEN...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO TAKE THAT. - EXACTLY.
- WOULD I GO TO BED WITH YOU?
- ME?
- I'D BE GRATEFUL...
- WHAT, TO GO TO... [laughs]
- IF YOU GOT NAKED.
- WELL, YOU...
LISTEN, I'M A HUGE SUPPORTER
OF THE GAY COMMUNITY.
I THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE
TO DO EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT.
BUT IT'S NOT UP MY ALLEY.
LITERALLY.
- I'M JUST SAYING, I'M...
- HE'S 29 YEARS OLD.
- I KNOW THAT.
- I'M 52.
- WELL, MY VAGINA'S 17, SO...
- EXACTLY.
[all laugh]
- I HEARD ABOUT
THAT LITTLE SURGERY.
- TIGHT AS A TIGER.
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID? [laughs]
- BRANDI HAS CORNERED
THE MARKET ON INAPPROPRIATENESS.
SHE'S BRILLIANT AT IT.
- I'M SO TIGHT, IF I DO
A NIP-TUCK, HE WOULDN'T FIT.
- [laughs]
YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
- BUT HEARING IT FROM JOYCE...
[gags]
I MAY HAVE THROWN UP
IN MY MOUTH.
I'M NOT SURE.
- 'CAUSE HE'S SO BIG.
- HOW TIGHT YOU ARE
AND HOW BIG YOUR MAN IS?
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?
MY HUSBAND'S HUNG
LIKE A [bleep] DONKEY,
BUT I DO NOT GO AROUND
TELLING PEOPLE THAT.
- HOW 'BOUT THAT CHICKEN?
- I'M VERY PROUD OF MY BABY.
- HE DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE A BABY THOUGH.
- SO WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU
THAT YOU THINK IS IMPORTANT
FOR US TO KNOW?
- TELL US YOUR DARKEST SECRET.
- I LOVE WOMEN.
I THINK THAT WE WOULD RULE
THE UNIVERSE
IF WE JUST GOT THE [bleep] OUT
OF THE WAY OF OURSELVES.
IF THERE WASN'T... - SO TRUE.
THE CATTINESS AND THE JEALOUSY
AND THE INSECURITY AND...
- IF EVERYONE WOULD STOP
[bleep] OUR HUSBANDS.
- [laughs]
- KYLE, THERE
IS THAT... THAT STORY
ABOUT MAURICIO CHEATING
AND WHATNOT.
LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
- WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?
YOU KNOW THAT IT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU KNOW HOW HURTFUL AND PAINFUL
IT'S BEEN FOR MY FAMILY AND ME.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AT A TABLE
LIKE THIS, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?
[bleep] YOU.
- COMING UP...
- A LOT OF TIMES,
THESE STORIES COME OUT.
- YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE.
- EXACTLY.
- KYLE, THERE IS THAT STORY
ABOUT MAURICIO CHEATING
AND WHATNOT.
LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
- COME ON, EVERYTHING THEY SAY
IS A LOAD OF CODSWALLOP.
- THEY'VE DONE IT TO YOU.
- SORRY, THEY'VE DONE IT TO ME...
- THEY'VE DONE IT TO ALL OF US.
- IT'S A... REALLY?
- NO, BUT I MEAN, IT STILL SUCKS
TO HAVE THAT OUT THERE.
- IN L.A. EVERYTHING... IT'S
A TABLOID [bleep] SOCIETY.
YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER
WHEN MASON SAW HIS DAD
ON THE COVER OF STAR MAGAZINE
IN A BATHING SUIT,
HUGGING LEANN.
SO I JUST WANTED
TO GIVE HER A HEADS-UP,
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT
TO GET YOUR HEAD AROUND THAT.
- YOU JUST HAVE TO IGNORE IT.
I REALLY DO.
I THINK IF YOU RESPOND TO IT,
IT MAKES IT BIGGER.
LET IT GO.
THAT WOULD BE MY ADVICE.
- YOU KNOW, BEING IN
THE LIMELIGHT LIKE THAT...
- RIGHT.
- AND BEING IN THAT POSITION
IS TERRIBLE, BUT IT'S... YOU
REALLY DON'T BELIEVE...
- IT COMES WITH THE TERRITORY.
- IT REALLY IS.
- ON THE OTHER HAND, THOUGH,
A LOT OF TIMES
THESE STORIES COME OUT,
AND I'M NOT SAYING, YOU KNOW...
- YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE.
- EXACTLY.
THERE'S ALWAYS A LITTLE BIT OF
TRUTH OF WHAT'S IN THE TABLOIDS.
LET'S NOT SAY
THAT NONE OF IT IS TRUE.
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN EDDIE... LIKE,
THESE STORIES STARTED
COMING OUT ABOUT EDDIE
AND CERTAIN SOAP OPERA PEOPLE
AND HE WAS LIKE,
IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
AND I REALLY BELIEVED
THAT IT WASN'T TRUE.
- RIGHT.
- AND IT JUST SUCKED
TO BE ME BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
- MY HUSBAND AND I ARE
IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER,
AND NO TABLOID OR ANY GROUP
OF MEAN GIRLS
CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.
ANYBODY WANTS TO BE THAT SICK
AND LIE AND BE VICIOUS
AND [bleep] WITH US,
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
WE'RE THAT STRONG, SO...
I'VE NEVER BROUGHT UP LIES
IN TABLOIDS ABOUT THEM.
I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
[voice breaking] I'VE HEARD LIES
ABOUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
I'VE NEVER SAID THAT.
I WOULD NOT DO THAT.
- THERE IS A LOT OF LIES...
- OKAY.
- OUT THERE, BUT THERE'S
ALSO A LOT OF TRUTH.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE MEAN AND
DO THINGS LIKE THAT, THOUGH.
YOU WISH IT WERE TRUE.
EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT ISN'T,
YOU WISH.
AND [bleep] ALL OF YOU.
- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS.
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
ANY OF THESE [bleep] GIRLS
CAN DO A LIE DETECTOR TEST
WITH ME TOMORROW AND NO PROBLEM.
- OH, MY GOD.
THERE'S NOT... YOU HAVE
THE TINIEST WAIST.
- NO, IT'S 'CAUSE I'VE GOT
BIG BOOBS AND A BIG ASS.
- WELCOME TO CIRQUE SCHOOL.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- [groans]
- I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT
HANGING IN THE BUTCHER.
- BRANDI, COME ON.
YOU'VE DONE THAT BEFORE.
- YESTERDAY, I'M GETTING
CHASED DOWN IN CALABASAS
BY THE PAPARAZZI SAYING KYLE
RICHARDS IS CALLING ME A BULLY.
IT JUST SUCKS TO BE CALLED
A BULLY IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN.
- ENOUGH OF THIS MEAN,
MEAN TALKING
AND MEAN... I CAN'T TAKE IT.
- WHEN I'M ON MY PERIOD,
I'M A TOTAL BITCH.
SO SOMETIMES I GET UPSET.
- SO YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD NOW?
- [laughs]
- TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I LOVE YOU.
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT, OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU IN RECOVERY.
- OH, MY LOVE.
THIS LYME DISEASE HAS TAKEN
THE BEST OF ME.
I HAVE NEVER SUFFERED
THIS DEEPLY IN MY LIFE.
- THE PROBLEM IS THERE'S ALL
THESE WINDOWS,
AND I TEND TO WALK AROUND
WITHOUT MY CLOTHES ON,
AS YOU KNOW.
I MET J.R. AT THE WHITE PARTY
AT KYLE'S HOUSE.
WE ARGUE A LOT, AND THEN WE HAVE
REALLY GOOD MAKE-UP SEX.
AND THAT'S J.R.
- DO YOU GUYS HAVE KIDS?
- YEAH. 11, 9, AND 2 NEXT WEEK.
YEAH, HE'S CROSS. - CROSS?
- YEAH. UM, DESTINY AND MYSTERI.
- WHOA, THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- DESTINY AND MYSTERI.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I LIKE THAT EVEN BETTER
THAN CROSS.
- DON'T [bleep]
WITH MY CHILDREN'S NAMES.
- THIS IS WHERE THE RUMOR COMES
THAT HE'S BEEN SEEN
WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN.
[laughs]
- HOW ARE YOU WITH KYLE?
- I MEAN, I'M NOT
IN A BETTER PLACE
WITH A WOMAN THAT CALLED ME
A LIAR.
- YOU JUST GOT TO PUT YOUR HOUSE
ON THE MARKET.
YOU'RE GOING TO BOND
REALLY QUICK.
[laughter]
- ONE. ARM UP.
- SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN'T
CUT OUT FOR FAKE FAINTS.
- UH.
- [laughs]
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS,
THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB,
THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK.
IT SWEARS.
- YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.
- HI.
- HI, BOO-BOO.
- OH, HI.
- HI.
- I LIKE YOUR BAND-AID.
- I KNOW.
I'M A MESS.
MOVING INTO MY NEW HOUSE,
I HAVE SCRAPES,
AND BRUISES, AND BUMPS,
AND I'M WALKING INTO FURNITURE.
I FELL TWICE, AND I WAS SOBER.
- CAN I GET CHICA?
- I GUESS.
- I HAVE TO.
- SHE PEES.
- SHE WON'T PEE ON ME.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
- I'M GONNA GO OUT WITH J.R.
AND HAVE THE TALK.
- AGAIN, OR...
- [chuckles]
J.R. STARTED OUT
AS MY MAN FRIEND.
AND THEN, WE BROKE UP.
AND THEN, I NEEDED A HOUSE.
SO I SAID I WOULD USE HIM,
AND SO I USED HIM
IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
- TELL ME YOU WANT IT,
AND I'LL GO GET IT.
- GET IT.
DON'T [bleep] IT UP.
BECAUSE HE'S
A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
YES, DUH.
NO, THIS TIME,
IT'S FOR GOOD, SO...
- NO, BUT YOU GUYS HAVE
BROKEN UP SO MANY TIMES.
IT'S BACK ON. IT'S BACK OFF.
IT'S OFF. IT'S ON.
I MEAN, HE... HE'S NICE,
BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S FOR YOU.
- NO, I MEAN,
I KNOW HE'S NOT FOR ME,
BUT IT WAS NICE TO PLAY HOUSE
WITH SOMEONE,
AND SPEND THE NIGHT, AND LIKE
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO END BADLY
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I'M GONNA SEE HIM.
HE'S MAURICIO'S PARTNER.
NOW THAT I HAVE A HOUSE,
I DON'T NEED J.R. ANYMORE.
THAT IS HORRIBLE.
BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE.
HE'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
HE'S REALLY ON MY LAST NERVE.
OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.
- IS IT WARM?
- I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID.
SOME PEOPLE DO THEIR BEST
THINKING IN THE SHOWER.
I DO MY BEST THINKING
IN THE BATHTUB.
LOVELY.
- BUT WHAT'S GONNA BE
DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
SERIOUSLY?
- ULTIMATELY, I MEAN...
AND I'VE SAID THIS TO HIM,
SO IT'S NOT LIKE A SHOCK...
WE DON'T GET ALONG, HE AND I.
WE BICKER LIKE
AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE,
AND THEN WE HAVE AMAZING SEX.
- YOU MIGHT NEED TO TAKE
A LITTLE BREAK FOR A MINUTE.
- YEAH, FOR SURE,
BUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN MY TUB DOESN'T WORK,
AND MY WASHER'S NOT WORKING,
AND I JUST... - GET A HANDYMAN.
- AY, YI, YI, YA.
- YOU DESERVE BETTER.
- YOU LATIN PEOPLE IN MY LIFE
ARE SO ANNOYING.
- I KNOW.
- I'M SO EXCITED FOR TODAY.
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK SO AMAZING,
JUST DRIPPING IN JEWELS.
IVETTE IS THE WINNER OF
THE PAGEANT THAT I CREATED,
"QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE."
- I LOVE IT.
- IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL.
I WANTED TO EMPOWER GIRLS
AND GIVE GIRLS A PLATFORM
THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE.
SO WE HAVE SO MANY THINGS
COMING UP NOW.
WE'RE GONNA GO TO
THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL.
- UH-HUH.
- TO THE CANCER PATIENT UNIT.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
THINK BEAUTY PAGEANTS
ARE FOR DUMB GIRLS,
BUT I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL
WHEN I WAS JUST TURNING 16.
AND THEN I FINISHED MY TWO
B.A.s BY THE TIME I WAS 19.
I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE
IN SOCIAL WORK
AND A BACHELOR'S DEGREE
IN SPECIAL EDUCATION.
IT'S A BIG, BIG FUNDRAISER,
AND YOU'RE ONNG BE THERE
CROWNING LITTLE GIRLS.
IN PUERTO RICO, I WAS
WORKING AT KFC
WHEN THIS GUY OFFERED ME
500 BUCKS
TO DO A CAMPAIGN FOR HIM.
AND I WAS LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, $500!
I'M SO RICH!"
I DID A MILLION PHOTO SHOOTS,
AND A LOT OF THEM WERE SEXY,
BUT YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
YOU COULDN'T SEE MY COOCHIE
OR MY BOOBIES.
ONE OF THE SHOOTS THAT I DID
SOMEHOW GOT SO MUCH NOTORIETY
AFTER I WON
THE MISS PUERTO RICO.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT BECAME
THIS MASSIVE SCANDAL.
THANK YOU.
AND I CALLED THE OFFICES
OF TRUMP IN NEW YORK,
AND I ACTUALLY GOT A HOLD
OF HIS SECRETARY.
I WAS LIKE, "NO,
I DON'T WANT THEM
TO TAKE MY CROWN AWAY."
HI. - HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
AND THE NEXT DAY,
SHE CALLED ME BACK,
AND SHE SAID, "SWEETHEART,
MR. TRUMP HAS SEEN EVERYTHING,
AND YOU HAVE NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT."
SO IT ALL WORKED OUT.
SEE, THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
IT'S VERY PRETTY WOMAN.
- THIS IS VERY PRETTY WOMAN.
THIS IS ACTUALLY THE SAME STORE
THAT THEY SHOT PRETTY WOMAN IN.
- YOU DO THAT TOO?
[squeals] [laughter]
ABOUT 12 YEARS AGO,
I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES
WITH TWO BAGS AND A DREAM.
OKAY, YOU CAN STAND,
YOU GORGEOUS QUEEN...
- OKAY.
- AND WE WILL CROWN YOU.
- OH, MY GOD.
- I HAD NOTHING
BUT A RESERVATION
AT THE BEVERLY WILSHIRE HOTEL.
WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE,
I WANTED TO COME HERE
BECAUSE I SAW THE MOVIE
PRETTY WOMAN.
SO I STAYED AT THIS HOTEL.
BUT THEN I WAS LIKE,
"OKAY, I'M GOING BROKE HERE.
I GOTTA MOVE,
OR IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN."
- NOW YOU NEED TO GO BACK
TO THE STORES ON RODEO
AND DO THE SAME THING SHE DID.
"BIG MISTAKE." both: "HUGE."
- REMEMBER THAT?
THAT WAS AWESOME.
I LOVE THAT SCENE.
- HOW LONG DO YOU NEED
TO COOK, BABE?
- TWO MINUTES.
- OKAY.
WE HAVE TWO MINUTES
TO PLAY GOLF, LEO.
CAN WE DO THAT? - THREE MINUTES.
PLAY FOR THREE MINUTES.
- OKAY, COME ON.
THREE MINUTES, GUYS.
- I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN,
LEONARDO AND VALENTINO,
WHO ARE THE LOVE AND THE LIGHT
OF MY EYES.
- NICE ONE.
- LOOK.
- POM. POM.
OH, GO, GO, GO, GO. ALMOST, VAL.
NICE JOB, LEO.
COME ON. WE GO EAT, NOW.
- WITH LEO,
PEOPLE THINK I'M THE NANNY
BECAUSE HE'S BLONDE
WITH BLUE EYES.
I WAS ON BED REST FOR THIS BABY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- COME, GO EAT SOMETHING.
- [laughs]
- PERHAPS THIS WAY.
COME. [chuckles]
- I HAVE TO THANK GOD
EVERY SINGLE DAY
FOR MY HUSBAND
BECAUSE HE IS A TRUE GENTLEMAN
AND HE'S THE BEST LOVER
IN THE WORLD.
- NO!
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO?"
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- I THINK MY LIFE DESCRIBED
IN ONE WORD
IS SIMPLY "BLESSED."
- I WANT A BANANA.
- NO.
- I WANT A BANANA RIGHT NOW.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
- DO YOU WANT TO MOVE
THAT STUFF FIRST?
- I SURE DO.
SO I WANT TO MOVE THIS.
- THIS IS HEAVY.
- I KNOW.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.
- PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.
- I'LL PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.
- YOU PUT YOUR BACK
INTO MY BACK.
- OKAY. ELIZY IS MY SON'S NANNY.
SHE'S LIKE TINKER BELL ON CRACK.
[laughter]
- IT'S LIKE TWO MONKEYS
TRYING TO HUMP A FOOTBALL.
[laughter]
- AND SHE IS BUBBLY,
AND SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
AND I LIKE MY SON TO BE AROUND
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
- [groans] OKAY.
- I... I CAN'T... [gasps]
DID YOU DO THAT?
- I'M NOT EVEN OVER THERE.
DON'T SCARE ME.
- DAVE'S GONNA BE MAD.
- LICK IT.
- SPIT POLISH.
- GOOD.
- ALL RIGHT.
CLASSY BITCHES, WE ARE.
THIS HOUSE, BY FAR,
IS MY DREAM HOUSE.
I HAVE MY CRYSTAL BALLS.
I HAVE MY CRYSTALS, CROSSES.
IT'S ALMOST
CATHEDRAL/GOTHIC/CHURCH.
I MEAN, IT'S A CASTLE.
SO THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.
- OKAY.
- CRYSTAL BALL, AND THEN I WANT
TO DO ROSES AT EITHER SIDE.
- OF THE TABLE.
- YEAH.
AND THEN THIS... - NOT TALL?
- NO.
- NOT VASES?
LITTLE ONES? - NO, LITTLE ONES.
- SO YOU CAN SEE
EACH OTHER'S FACES?
AND HAVE FUN CONVERSATIONS
AND TALK ABOUT LOVE,
AND LIFE, AND EVERYTHING?
THAT'S FUN. - I HOPE SO.
- YAY!
- OW.
[both laugh]
I INVITED THESE LADIES TO LUNCH
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANTED
TO GET TO KNOW THEM BETTER.
I KNOW I AM NOT THAT COMFORTABLE
WITH KYLE.
- OH, MY GOD, THERE'S A BEE.
SHARON, KILL IT FOR ME
IF YOU LOVE ME.
- NO! DON'T KILL IT.
- OH, WELL.
- I DO HAVE A RESPECT
FOR BASICALLY GOD'S CREATURES,
AND ANIMALS ARE IT.
SO ARE BEES AND INSECTS,
APART FROM THE ANTS.
I DON'T LIKE THE ANTS.
- WE COULD HAVE ALL THE LADIES
SIT IN THE BED
AND EAT DADDY'S GRILLED CHEESE.
- NICE. JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- BE LIKE, "IF YOU WANT TO SEE
HOW WE REALLY EAT,
THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
WE SIT IN BED..."
- THIS IS THE WAY
I WANT TO ROLL.
- "AND WE EAT GRILLED CHEESE."
- CLIMB IN BED.
- [laughs]
- LIKE.
YUMMY.
YOU LOOK GOOD, ELIZY.
- I LOVE YOU.
- COMING UP...
- HAVE YOU EVER EXPLORED
WITH WITCHCRAFT?
- REALLY?
- HI, BRIAN.
- HEY, YOLANDA.
- OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO EXHAUSTED.
UGH. WHAT A DAY.
HOW ARE YOU?
- I AM ACTUALLY EXCELLENT.
SO HOW DO YOU FEEL
SINCE I SAW YOU LAST?
- UM, I... YOU KNOW, TIRED.
LIKE, JUST REALLY...
I THINK I'M...
[coughs] AND MY... AND THAT COUGH
IS COMING BACK, SO...
- SORRY, BRIAN.
- SOMETHING IS BOTHERING
MY SYSTEM, BUT...
- OTHER THAN ME?
- OTHER THAN YOU BOTHERING
ME EVERY DAY, YES.
BRIAN HAS A SERVICE
THAT GOES TO PEOPLE'S HOUSES
TO DO HOLISTIC TREATMENTS.
AT THIS POINT, I'LL DO ANYTHING
TO GET MY BRAIN BACK.
TELL ME TO EAT BARK
FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS,
AND I WILL.
SOMETIMES YOU SO NICE,
AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE JUST...
- DID I TELL YOU
IT WAS GOING TO BE PAINLESS?
- [laughs]
- EVERY OTHER TIME,
IT'S PAINLESS.
- MY RECOVERY IS A PART
OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE,
AND I THINK IT WAS
HEARTBREAKING FOR GIGI,
AS MY OLDEST DAUGHTER, TO SEE ME
ALMOST DYING FROM LYME DISEASE.
- HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE
TO DO THIS FOR?
- WELL, JUST, YOU KNOW,
UNTIL I START FEELING BETTER.
I MEAN, I'M ABOUT 70%.
IT REALLY REDEFINED
HER RELATIONSHIPS
WITH HER BROTHER AND SISTER.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE HAD TO BE
THE BIG SISTER
AND TAKE CARE OF THEM,
SO IT REALLY CHANGED
THE DYNAMICS
WITHIN OUR WHOLE FAMILY.
THANK YOU, BRIAN.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- MM.
- ISN'T IT GOOD?
- LIKE ONCE YOU'RE IN NEW YORK,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COOK
EVERY DAY YOURSELF.
- I LOVE THAT.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH, LIKE GOING SHOPPING
FOR MY OWN FOOD
IS GONNA MAKE ME SO HAPPY.
EVERYTHING IN MY PANTRY
IS WHAT I WANT.
I'M EXCITED. - YEAH.
GIGI'S LEAVING
THE END OF THE SUMMER
TO GO TO COLLEGE
IN NEW YORK CITY.
IT'S A BIG STEP.
IT'S GONNA BE HARD
NOT HAVING HER ENERGY
IN THIS HOUSE.
SHE'S... YOU KNOW, SHE'S HERE.
SHE'S LOVING. SHE'S FUN.
SHE'S MOTIVATING FOR
THE OTHER KIDS AS WELL
BECAUSE SHE'S A BALL-BUSTER,
AND SHE GOES OUT
FOR WHAT SHE WANTS.
WHEN YOU GO TO NEW YORK, GIGI,
I REMEMBER
JUST GOING TO WALK ON
THE STREET,
AND I COULD FEEL THE ENERGY
OF THE PEOPLE.
AND EVERYBODY'S THERE
FIGHTING FOR THEIR DREAM,
AND WORKING,
AND GETTING UP EARLY, AND...
- YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY
I'M GOING TO COLLEGE
TO STUDY CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY
BUT I'M MODELING
AT THE SAME TIME...
- I KNOW.
- AND LIKE...
- IN HOLLAND,
YOU COULD NEVER DO THAT.
LIKE, YOU WOULD EITHER GO
TO COLLEGE AND STUDY,
OR YOU WOULD HAVE A CAREER
IN MODELING.
LIKE FOR ME, I NEVER THOUGHT
I COULD HAVE BOTH.
I HAD TO WORK
BECAUSE WE WERE POOR.
WE DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR ME
TO GO TO COLLEGE,
AND I NEEDED TO SUPPORT MY MOM
AND MY FAMILY.
AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS HUNGRY.
YOU BETTER ENJOY
THOSE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS
OF YOUR MOMMY SMOTHERING YOU.
- I KNOW.
GIRL, YOU BETTER ENJOY
THE LAST COUPLE MONTHS
OF ME BECAUSE
YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN MY ROOM,
IT'S GONNA BE SO QUIET.
- I'LL BE CRYING. OH, MY GOD.
IT'S NOT THAT IT'S
THE FIRST TIME WE ARE APART.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS TIME,
IT'S FOR REAL.
OF COURSE I'M GONNA CRY
MY EYES OUT
WHEN THE DAY COMES.
I MEAN, JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT
MAKES ME WANT TO CRY.
I'M SAD.
- ARE YOU CRYING?
- YEAH.
I JUST GOT SAD,
THE THOUGHT OF YOU LEAVING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
SOMETIMES EVERYONE'S LIKE,
"WHY ARE SUCH A CRIER?"
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW."
AND THEN, OBVIOUSLY,
'CAUSE YOU CAN CRY OFF
LIKE A FRICKIN' DROP OF A PIN.
- WELL, IT'S NOT
A DROP OF A PIN.
- [laughs]
- YOU'RE MY BABY...
- WELL, I'M NOT GONE, YET.
- AND YOU'RE LEAVING ME.
YEAH, BUT IT'S SAD, YOU KNOW?
- [laughs] YEAH.
I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU, BABY.
- HI.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD, I THINK A RESERVATION
FOR JONATHAN?
- FOR TWO, RIGHT?
- YEAH. THANKS.
THANK YOU.
- DO YOU WANT A BEVERAGE
WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?
- I WOULD LOVE... DO YOU HAVE
A ROSE THAT'S NOT SPARKLY?
- MM-HMM.
- PERFECT.
I'LL HAVE THAT. THANK YOU.
- HEY.
- OH, HELLO.
I WAS LOOKING FOR THE WAITER.
- HOW WE DOING?
- YEAH, I WAS...
I WAS LIKE, "I NEED MY WATER."
HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD.
I ALWAYS GET WORRIED WHEN
I GET THE DOUBLE KISS HELLO.
- BUT I ALWAYS DO
THE DOUBLE KISS.
I THINK I DO. - NO.
- J.R. IS A PAIN IN MY ASS.
BUT IT'S HARD BECAUSE YOU GET
ATTACHED TO SOMEONE,
AND THEN YOU'RE USED
TO HAVING SOMEONE AROUND
WHEN THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND.
AND THEN IT'S LIKE
LONELY, CRICKETS.
SO THEN HE COMES BACK
FOR VISITS.
ARE YOU HUNGRY? - YES.
- HAVE A DRINK 'CAUSE WE NEED
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.
- OH, ARE WE GONNA HAVE
THE TALK?
- UM...
[sighs]
YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY
THE BOYS HAVE MET
IN LIKE A LONG TIME,
BUT THEY OBVIOUSLY KNOW YOU
AS MY FRIEND,
THE REAL ESTATE AGENT,
AND THEY REALLY LIKE YOU.
- I'VE ENJOYED IT.
THE KIDS ARE GREAT.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE
TO BE AROUND THEM.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- THE ROUND ONES ARE
THE CALAMARI,
AND THE HALF ONES
ARE THE SHRIMP.
- THANKS A LOT.
- I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU
AS A FRIEND.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND I REALLY...
'CAUSE I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE,
BUT I THINK THAT IT'S OVER.
- I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.
- DITTO.
- AND I ENJOY SPENDING TIME
WITH YOU
AND ALL THE TIME
WE SPEND TOGETHER.
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO TURN IT OFF RIGHT AWAY.
- UNLESS YOU GO TO TEXAS
AND FORGET TO TELL ME
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO TEXAS,
'CAUSE THAT'S ALWAYS FUN.
- RIGHT.
- NO ONE JUST
ALL OF A SUDDEN SAYS,
"OH, BY THE WAY,
I JUST GOT ON AN AIRPLANE,
AND I'M GOING TO TEXAS."
YOU DIDN'T BOOK THAT ON FRIDAY.
YOU HAVE TO PLAN THAT [bleep].
WITH ALL YOUR COUPLE FRIENDS,
AND YOU DON'T TELL ME,
AND I'M NOT INVITED,
AND IT'S LAST MINUTE,
"OH, BY THE WAY,
I'M ON A PLANE?"
- THIS AWESOME THING IS REALLY...
THIS IS...
THIS IS THE CRUX
OF IT ALL, ISN'T IT?
- EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER.
AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE?
SO, OF COURSE,
IT TRIGGERS MY TRUST ISSUES.
- THERE WASN'T ANYTHING SHADY,
BUT I'M SORRY.
- YOU WENT ON A "COUPLES' TRIP"
AS A SINGLE GUY
WHEN WE WERE DATING,
WHICH IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.
- CLEARLY.
- YEAH.
IT'S A DEAL-BREAKER.
I ABSOLUTELY HAVE A LOT
OF [bleep] UP ISSUES.
ALL RIGHT, WE SHOULD GO.
- I AGREE.
- YEAH, SO LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T TRUST ANYONE,
AND I'D RATHER
BREAK UP WITH THEM
THAN HAVE THEM BREAK UP WITH ME.
SO I'M ALL [bleep] UP, YEAH.
WELCOME TO DIVORCE, BITCH.
I KIND OF AM A LITTLE TIPSY.
YOU'RE DRIVING ME HOME, RIGHT?
- YES.
[dial tone rings]
- HELLO?
- HI, DARLING.
IT'S ME.
- HI, MOMMY. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M OKAY.
I'M STILL NOT FEELING GREAT.
DANCING WITH THE STARS
IS SO PHYSICALLY TAXING.
I'M GOING TO THE STUDIO NOW,
YOU KNOW, TO...
- YOU SHOULD BE IN BED,
NOT DANCING.
- IN ONE WAY, IT WOULD BE GOOD
TO BE VOTED OFF
BECAUSE I FEEL ABSOLUTELY
EXHAUSTED, DEPLETED.
MY GLANDS ARE HURTING.
I STILL GOT A TEMPERATURE.
BUT IT'S A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD
BECAUSE NOBODY REALLY WANTS
TO GO HOME.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
- TEXT ME BEFORE YOU GO ON,
AND I'LL... I'LL TRY AND SEE YOU
BEFORE YOU GO ON.
AND THEN,
I'LL SEE YOU AFTERWARDS.
- COME TO THE TRAILER.
BRING THE SEX MONSTER.
- I WILL.
- THE SEX MONSTER NOT BEING
YOUR FATHER, BY THE WAY.
[laughs]
- OH, DEAR. THANKS FOR THAT.
[laughs]
- FROM HOLLYWOOD, THIS IS
DANCING WITH THE STARS.
[cheers and applause]
- I COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SKIPPED
THE DANCE
AND REALLY KIND OF BOWED OUT
OF IT.
NOBODY EXPECTED ME TO DANCE,
AND MY DOCTOR SAID,
"I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD."
- THE COUPLE WITH
THE LOWEST COMBINED TOTAL
OF SCORES AND VOTES
AND THEREFORE
LEAVING RIGHT NOW IS...
- I THOUGHT,
"YOU KNOW, SCREW IT.
"I'M GONNA PUT MYSELF OUT THERE
AND LET THE AUDIENCE DECIDE."
- LISA AND GLEB.
All: AW.
- I WAS OKAY WITH IT.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK
I WOULD HAVE HAD THE REST
THAT I PROBABLY NEED THIS WEEK
IF I WAS GONNA CARRY ON.
- DO YOU FEEL RELIEVED?
- I MEAN, I'M SOMEWHAT RELIEVED
BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE HONEST,
THIS WEEK'S BEEN
SO DIFFICULT FOR ME
KIND OF PHYSICALLY.
- CHA-CHA...
- MOSTLY ONLINE, I'VE SEEN A LOT
OF SUPPORT FOR YOU,
AND THEY'RE HAPPY YOU DANCED.
THERE ARE A FEW CYNICS THAT
SUGGESTED THAT IT WAS FAKED.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S BULL-[bleep].
NOT INTERESTED.
IF I CARED
WHAT PEOPLE SAID REALLY,
WOULD I BE IN
THIS STUPID GAME ANYWAY?
GIVE ME A BREAK.
I DON'T REALLY CARE,
TO BE HONEST.
IS THAT A TERRIBLE THING?
- HEY.
- HEY.
- SO GOOD.
- GREAT JOB.
- YOU JUST HOPE YOUR FRIENDS
SUPPORT YOU.
BUT THE REST OF THE WORLD
CAN BUGGER OFF.
- [laughs]
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S BEEN AMAZING.
I MEAN, IT REALLY HAS.
IT'S BEEN
AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE.
- IF YOU'D DONE
THAT CHA-CHA HEALTHY...
- WATCH OUT.
- WATCH OUT.
- IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
- AMAZING, I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
- YEAH, YOU WERE GREAT.
- YOU WERE GREAT.
- I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD HAVE...
THEY SHOULD HAVE
VOTED YOU OFF, ACTUALLY.
- SIX WEEKS, WE SET ASIDE
EVERYTHING FOR SIX WEEKS.
- WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU.
- I KNOW.
- THIS IS HOW YOU GO OUT
FOR DINNER, LIKE THIS?
YOU JUST PUT IT OVER
YOUR CHA-CHA UNIFORM?
- YEAH, EXACTLY, I'M GONNA
CHA-CHA MY WAY OUT OF HERE.
BUT IT'S BEEN... I CAN GO BACK
TO BEING YOUR WIFE.
I'VE BEEN A LOUSY MOTHER,
A LOUSY FRIEND,
A LOUSY WIFE,
A LOUSY BUSINESSWOMAN.
MY WHOLE LIFE WAS ON HOLD JUST
FOR DANCING WITH THE STARS.
BUT WOW, WHAT AN EXPERIENCE.
- I THINK YOU GET THE AWARD
FOR THE COOLEST MOTHER
EVER, ACTUALLY.
- AND THE COOLEST WIFE.
- COMING UP....
- LET'S TALK ABOUT LISA
ON DANCING WITH THE STARS.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE FAINT
SO PRETTY AND PERFECT.
[sighs]
[laughs]
- ELIZY?
- YEAH?
- IRONICALLY, I DON'T THINK
I HAVE ENOUGH ALCOHOL.
- REALLY?
- NO.
- MOST LADIES DRINK WHITE WINE
OR CHAMPAGNE.
I DON'T KNOW.
- I HAVE WHITE WINE.
- OKAY.
I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- YAY.
- I LOVE YOU.
- [laughs]
- I DO.
- [bleep]
- ARE YOU EXCITED FOR TODAY?
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH.
[door closes]
- HI.
- HI.
- OH, YOU GOT THE GIFT?
- I HAVE A GIFT.
- OH, GOOD.
- MWAH.
- OOH.
OH, OH. [laughs]
- I'M NOT KISSING BOTH
OF YOUR CHEEKS.
YOU'RE MY SISTER.
- HI.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- OH, YOU LOOK PRETTY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU? GOOD?
- GOOD.
- HELLO.
MWAH. MWAH. [laughs]
- LOOK HOW TALL I AM.
- WHAT?
- IT'S A BLACK PARTY ALMOST,
EXCEPT FOR...
- I KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT...
- CO... COLORFUL HAIR.
- I LOVE IT.
- NOT FOR YOU.
- OH. THANK YOU SO MUCH,
- I'M LIKE, "NICE."
SHOULD WE OPEN IT?
- WE CAN,
BUT THEN I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO GIVE CARLTON.
- OH, NEVER MIND. [laughter]
- I FIND CARLTON TO BE LIKE
A LITTLE DARK AND EDGY,
AND I LIKE THAT,
SO I'M THINKING HER HOUSE
IS GONNA BE
A LITTLE DARK AND EDGY.
LISA IS AT THE RESTAURANT.
SHE'S GONNA COME LATE, AND
YOLANDA'S DRIVING BY HERSELF.
SO...
- WHY IS YOLANDA GOING
BY HERSELF?
- WELL, SHE'S COMING
FROM MALIBU,
SO IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE
FOR HER TO COME UP HERE.
PLUS, SHE HATES YOU. - YEAH.
- SO THERE'S ALWAYS THAT.
- NO LOVE LOST THERE.
- WE COULD ACTUALLY MIX
THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER.
- OKAY.
WHOO! OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- MY KIND OF SALAD.
I DON'T COOK IN THE KITCHEN.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE I COOK.
- I CAN'T FIND
A CHAMPAGNE BUCKET ANYWHERE.
- I KNOW I HAVE ONE.
ELIZY IS GOING TO DOUBLE
AS ONE OF MY SERVERS TODAY.
AND THEN I HAVE ANOTHER
GIRLFRIEND, CARLYN,
ALSO HELPING WITH THE SERVING.
WELL, I LOVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,
AND THAT'S
WHAT I SURROUND MYSELF WITH.
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A THING
OF MAYONNAISE ON THE TABLE,
AND THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE,
"WHAT IS GOING ON?"
- I'M [bleep] ENGLISH.
I EAT [bleep] MAYONNAISE
WITH EVERYTHING.
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO?
- HI. OH, MY GOD.
YOU LOOK STUNNING.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
MY FAVORITE CANDLE.
THERE'S TIMES
WHEN YOU MEET A WOMAN
THAT YOU'RE INSTANTLY
ATTRACTED TO,
AND I HAD THAT WITH CARLTON.
- THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND, A.C.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- HI, A.C.
I'M YOLANDA.
- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- JUST ONE WATER, BABY.
- THAT'S IT?
- YEAH.
- THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HER
THAT IS VERY GROUNDED AND REAL
THAT I LIKE.
SO HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD.
- YOU'RE GOOD?
- YEAH.
- HOW ARE THE KIDS?
- LOVELY.
- AND DESTINY IS... IS HOW OLD?
12?
- UM, SHE'S GONNA BE 11 IN JUNE.
- MY GIGI, MY OLDEST ONE,
IS MOVING TO NEW YORK.
- HOW OLD IS SHE AGAIN?
- 18.
JUST TURNED 18.
- MY SON JUST TURNED TOO.
- SO SPECIAL, OOH.
BOYS ARE SO YUMMY.
- I KNOW. I DO THAT TO MY SON.
- SO CUTE.
- SO INAPPROPRIATE.
- ISN'T IT?
- WELL, I ASKED
FOR HIS TONGUE, SO...
- [laughs] YOU DIDN'T.
- DID TOO.
- OH, MY GOD.
- YOU CAN'T DO THAT MUCH LONGER.
[laughter]
THAT IS NAUGHTY. - YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOLANDA HAS A GREAT SENSE
OF HUMOR, WHICH I LOVE.
I LOVE A WOMAN THAT IS SECURE
IN HERSELF,
THAT CAN LAUGH AT HERSELF,
AND DOESN'T TAKE THINGS
TOO SERIOUSLY.
- SO LAST NIGHT,
OUR NEW PUPPY HAS HAD DIARRHEA.
SO I PUT HER IN
SOPHIA'S BATHROOM
'CAUSE IT'S ALL TILE.
3:30 IN THE MORNING, I WAKE UP.
DIARRHEA EVERYWHERE.
3:30 IN THE MORNING,
HAVING TO CLEAN IT UP.
- PUPPIES ARE HARDER
THAN BABIES.
- THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
- I REALLY THINK SO.
- BRANDI, 1,000%.
ANYWAY, LET'S HAVE
A BETTER CONVERSATION.
THIS IS A VERY
GLAMOROUS CONVERSATION.
OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT
MORE INTERESTING THINGS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT LISA
ON DANCING WITH THE STARS.
- DID YOU GUYS WATCH LAST NIGHT?
- NO.
- I DID.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, IT WAS GOOD.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T GOOD.
SHE GOT ELIMINATED. SORRY.
- AW.
- NO.
BUT I THINK
THAT SHE WAS SO EXHAUSTED.
I THINK SHE REALLY WANTED
TO GO HOME.
- I THINK SO TOO.
- YEAH SHE WAS JUST LIKE...
- SHE WAS LIKE,
"GET ME OUT OF HERE."
- SHE WAS LIKE...
- SHE'S LIKE, "WHATEVER."
- SHE DID HER LITTLE FAINT
AND WAS LIKE...
"OH, I HAVE
AN E-TICKET OUT OF HERE."
- SHE FAINTED?
- I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE FAINT
SO PRETTY AND PERFECT.
[laughter]
IT WAS A PRINCESS FAINT.
SHE FELL LIKE THIS. [sighs]
- CLEARLY KIM AND I ARE NOT
THE ONLY ONES
WHO ARE SUSPICIOUS
OF LISA'S FAINT,
BECAUSE BRANDI DEFINITELY HAS
HER OPINIONS
ABOUT LISA'S
"PERFECT FAINT" TOO.
- WAS IT A FAKE FAINT?
I WANT TO SEE IT.
- WELL, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE
FOR YOURSELF.
FOR ME LIKE JUST WATCHING IT,
I WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU SURE
YOU DIDN'T JUST WANT TO LEAVE?"
AND SHE'S LIKE,
"BRANDI, I HURT MY SHOULDER
"SO HARD GOING DOWN.
"I HAD ALL THE BODY WEIGHT
ON MY SHOULDER WHEN I FELL."
I'M LIKE,
"HE WAS HOLDING YOUR HAND."
[laughter] - TO THE VERY END.
SHE WAS HOLDING HIS...
THEY LIKE...
[sighs] OH.
[laughs]
- THIS LOOKS LIKE A...
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT LOOKS VERY GOTH.
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- IT'S VERY GOTH. I LIKE IT.
- MY GOSH.
IT'S LIKE A...
- LIKE A CHURCH.
- BLESSED BE.
- CARLTON'S HOUSE IS INCREDIBLE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY CASTLE.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE IN
A MOVIE SET,
LIKE THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK.
I'M THE BLOND ONE, MICHELLE.
- AND WHAT IS THIS?
LIKE A CRYSTAL BALL.
- WE'RE AT HARRY POTTER'S HOUSE.
[laughter]
- AREN'T WE SUPPOSED
TO JUST WALK IN?
- I DON'T KNOW HER
WELL ENOUGH YET.
- HI, SORRY. all: HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO.
- WE'RE ALL TRYING
TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE.
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- NICE TO SEE YOU, HOW ARE YOU?
- HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING
FROM MY SISTER, KIM, AND ME.
- WOW, THIS IS GORGEOUS.
- MWAH. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- THIS IS FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S ALCOHOL.
- BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
- THIS IS AMAZING.
IT'S LIKE A CASTLE.
- I LOVE YOUR HOME.
- I WAS SAYING IT'S VERY GOTH.
IT'S VERY ROCK AND ROLL.
I LOVE IT, BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU.
- HI.
- HELLO.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD.
- HI, MAMI.
- MWAH.
HOW ARE YOU? - HOW ARE YOU?
- GORGEOUS.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- WHEN I SAW YOLANDA AT MY HOUSE
FOR THE CHAMBER
OF COMMERCE PARTY,
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY UNCOMFORTABLE.
- HAVE YOU SAID HELLO TO KYLE?
- NO, WE JUST WALKED IN.
- OKAY.
- OH, LORD.
- BUT I FEEL LIKE
WE ALREADY BROKE THE ICE.
AND HOPEFULLY,
WE CAN JUST MOVE FORWARD.
- DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK?
- YES.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS...
- DO YOU WANT TO MOVE IT...
- SO BEAUTIFUL.
- I'M NOT WAITING FOR
KYLE RICHARDS TO LIKE ME.
I HAVE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO DO THAN THAT.
- THANK YOU.
- SO WERE YOU RAISED CATHOLIC?
NO, I'M JUST WONDERING
BECAUSE OF ALL THE CROSSES.
CHRISTIAN OR CATHOLIC.
- IT IS TAKING A LOT OF ME
TO CONTROL MYSELF.
[laughs] - I'M SORRY.
WHAT WAS THAT? [laughter]
- I DON'T EVER MEET PEOPLE
FOR THE FIRST TIME
AND ASK THEM
WHAT THEIR RELIGION IS.
I THINK IT'S RUDE
AND INAPPROPRIATE.
- HELLO?
- HI.
- [gasps]
I CAN SEE THAT YOU DON'T
LOVE PINK, BUT...
- YOU LOOK [bleep] GORGEOUS.
- EVERYTHING WAS ROSES OUTSIDE.
- OH, MY GOSH, THANK YOU.
- OH, THEY'RE FROM MY GARDEN.
SO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT
SOME DARK BLOOD
RED ROSES INSTEAD.
I THINK I CALLED IT WRONG.
- HELLO, DANCING QUEEN.
- HELLO, HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HI. OH.
OKAY. MWAH. MWAH.
HELLO. - YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- HOW ARE YOU?
EXHAUSTED FROM DANCING?
- YEAH.
WHAT'S EVERYBODY DRINKING?
IS IT... - TEQUILA SHOTS.
- NO, I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA.
[overlapping chatter]
IS THAT OKAY? - I'M JOKING.
WE'RE NOT DRINKING
TEQUILA SHOTS.
- I'LL HAVE WHATEVER.
- OKAY, LET ME SHOW YOU
THE DOLLS.
- PINKY, YOU MADE IT.
- WHY DO DOLLS FREAK ME OUT?
- WAIT.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY DOLLS...
YOU KNOW, AS A LITTLE GIRL...
- THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
- NO, THEY'RE GORGEOUS.
- THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
- LOOK AT THIS DRESS.
- BUT THEY ALSO LOOK LIKE...
THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL,
BUT THEY ALSO LOOK LIKE,
AT NIGHT... THAT THEY'LL WAKE UP...
- AND COME AND MURDER YOU.
- YEAH, LIKE COME DOWN
THE HALLWAY.
- LIKE CHUCKY.
♪♪ DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN ♪♪
- IF I WERE TO SHOW
ONE OF THOSE DOLLS TO PORTIA,
SHE MAY CRY.
CREEPY.
- OUR SISTER KATHY
COLLECTS DOLLS.
- DO THEY SCARE YOU TOO?
- WELL, SHE JUST DOES
LIKE MADAME ALEXANDER,
NOT LIKE THESE KIND OF FACES.
- THIS ONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
- I CAN JUST SEE THEM LIKE
WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WHILE EVERYBODY'S SLEEPING,
LIKE "OOH, OOH."
YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF...
[gasps].
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FAINTED.
- THE WHOLE THING WAS REALLY...
- YEAH, A NIGHTMARE.
- BUT YOU...
- BUT IT'S DONE.
- A BIT OF CONTROVERSY
IN THE CAR ON THE WAY OVER
ABOUT WHETHER YOU FAINTED
FOR REAL OR FOR NOT REAL.
- FOR REAL OR NOT REAL?
- SHE FAINTED.
- [laughs]
- FAKING HER FAINTING?
- YES, THERE'S JUST A CON...
IT WAS A CONTROVERSY.
- WHAT'S THE UPSIDE OF...
- I DON'T KNOW.
- THEY THOUGHT
SHE FAKED FAINTING?
- WHO DID?
- YEAH!
- OH, MY GOD.
- NO, IT WAS JUST THEY...
THEY SAID, "DO YOU THINK
IT'S REAL OR NOT REAL?"
- OH, GOD.
HAVE THEY GOT NOTHING
ELSE BITCHY
TO TALK ABOUT APART FROM ME?
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE
GOT HERE EARLIER.
YOU THINK MAYBE YOUR FRIENDS
WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE,
OR WOULD THAT BE TOO MUCH
TO ASK?
AND I HOPE THAT BRANDI
HASN'T BEEN PART OF IT.
WHAT... WHAT, WAS I GOING TO FAKE
THE SWOLLEN GLANDS AND FEVER
AS WELL?
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I WENT
STRAIGHT TO THE DOCTOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
- WE WERE ALL JUST JOKING.
IT WASN'T A BAD THING.
- I'M SURE YOU HAD MY BACK.
- [laughs] NO, I DID.
I SAID THAT YOU SAID
YOU FAINTED.
IT WAS REAL.
- ALSO I HURT MY ROTATOR CUFF.
SO WHAT'S THIS?
SO I HEAR YOU GUYS THINK,
AFTER ALL THIS TIME
YOU'VE KNOWN ME,
BRANDI SAID THAT...
- I DIDN'T SAY THEY THINK.
I SAID THERE... THERE WAS A
CONVERSATION ABOUT THE FAINTING.
- I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT.
I HAVE TO WATCH IT.
- I DON'T FAKE ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW THAT THE MORE
YOU GET TO KNOW ME.
- I SAID THAT YOU DON'T
LOOK LIKE A FAKER,
BUT I WANTED TO SEE IT
BECAUSE EVERYBODY
WAS TALKING ABOUT IT.
- I SAID YOU LOOK HONEST.
- WHO SAID THAT?
WHO JUST SAID THIS?
- I SAID THERE WAS
A CONVERSATION ON THE WAY...
- YOU SHOULD SHOW IT TO ME
RIGHT NOW SO I CAN SEE IT.
- I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT
TO SEE IT AGAIN, THANK YOU.
- NO?
- I DIDN'T START
THE CONVERSATION.
- OH, I THOUGHT YOU DID. OKAY.
- I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT,
SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.
- THE LAST THING I NEED IS
MORE PROBLEMS WITH LISA.
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT
THE BLAME ON ME?
THANKS, BRANDI.
- BRANDI SAID YOU DID
FALL BEAUTIFUL,
LIKE A SOAP OPERA.
- WITH GRACE?
- ANYWAY, AT LEAST WE'VE GOT
THAT LITTLE ISSUE
CLEARED UP, RIGHT?
- HEY, LISA.
- AND SHE'S IRRITATED.
- DON'T BE UPSET.
- I FEEL REALLY CRAPPY
ABOUT TALKING IN THE LIMO
ABOUT LISA FAINTING.
IT CAME OUT REALLY
KIND OF BITCHY.
- COMING UP...
- WHEN YOU SPEND SIX WEEKS
IN SOMEBODY'S ARMS...
- DO YOU FEEL HORNY WHEN
YOU'RE DANCING WITH HIM, OKAY?
[laughter]
- YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME.
AND HE HAD A HARD-ON. [laughter]
- CARLTON, WHAT IS THIS?
- IT'S A CONFESSIONAL.
- A CONFESSIONAL?
- ARE... A PRIEST IS IN THERE.
- THAT CONFESSIONAL HAS SEEN
QUITE A BIT OF ACTION,
NOT JUST FROM ME OR DAVID.
- COOL. I WANT TO CONFESS.
COME. GO, GO.
LET'S DO IT.
- IT'S A CONFESSIONAL.
- OH, MY GOSH.
BRANDI, YOU'RE GONNA BE
IN THERE AWHILE.
- I ACTUALLY DON'T SIN
THAT MUCH,
BUT WHEN I DO,
THEY'RE GOOD ONES.
I'M GONNA...
I HAVE TOO MANY SECRETS.
[laughter]
NO WAY.
- I LOVE ALL YOUR MAGIC BALLS.
[laughter]
- I LOVE THEM.
- THERE'S A BALL THEME GOING ON.
- WHAT... WHAT DO
THE BALLS REPRESENT?
- THERE'S A COUPLE OF WORDS
FOR THEM.
THEY'RE WITCHES' BALLS
OR VICTORIAN BALLS.
THEY JUST... THEY GRAB NEGATIVE
ENERGY, AND THEY TRAP IT.
- OH, I LOVE THAT.
I OUGHT TO BE CHOCK FULL
OF THOSE AT MY HOUSE.
[laughter]
- WELL, HAVE YOU EVER EXPLORED
WITH WITCHCRAFT?
- REALLY?
KYLE WITH THE BLOODY
DUMB QUESTIONS.
IT'S BLOODY RUDE.
- NO, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN LIKE FUN WITCHCRAFT.
- YOU WANT TO FIND OUT ABOUT ME?
GET TO KNOW ME, BUT DON'T TRY
AND SHOCK VALUE ME
IN FRONT OF PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW.
I KNOW HOW THAT [bleep] WORKS.
I'VE KNOWN GIRLS LIKE YOU.
- I MEAN, I DON'T LIKE MEAN
CAST A SPELL
OR FLY ON A BROOM.
- YES, I AM A WITCH.
WICCA, WHICH IS WHAT I PRACTICE,
THE WHITE SIDE,
WHICH IS MOTHER NATURE,
ALL-ENCOMPASSING,
IS TRULY ABOUT THE MIRACLES
THAT EXIST ON THIS PLANET.
- I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS A JET...
LIKE SHE IS A WITCH.
- WHAT DOES A WITCH
REALLY MEAN, THOUGH?
I PICTURE LIKE A BROOM AND
A WART ON THE END OF HER NOSE.
- I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN WICCA
SINCE SEVEN YEARS OLD.
MY GRANDMOTHER WAS PRACTICING.
AND MY MOM, SHE WAS PSYCHIC.
- WELL, I BELIEVE IN SPIRITS,
BUT DOESN'T MEAN I'M A WITCH.
- WELL, MY MO... OUR MOM USED
TO SAY SHE WAS A WITCH.
MY MOM USED TO SAY
SHE WAS A WITCH.
- HAVE I PRACTICED DARK?
I HAVE PRACTICED DARK.
BUT NOW, I PRACTICE LIGHT,
AND THAT'S ALL I PRACTICE
BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN.
I WOULD NEVER GO
TO THE DARK SIDE.
NOT AGAIN.
- DIDN'T MOM USED
TO ALWAYS SAY THAT?
- WHAT?
- SHE SAID, "WELL, I'M A WITCH.
I KNOW EVERYTHING."
- I THINK SHE DID THAT
TO LIKE SCARE US.
- THERE ARE A COUPLE OF WITCHES
IN OUR GROUP,
BUT I DON'T THINK
CARLTON'S ONE OF THEM.
CAN I HAVE A LOOK AROUND, YEAH?
- I LOVE THIS FEELING, THOUGH.
IT FEELS LIKE A CHURCH FEELING.
- YEAH, I WANTED... THE IDEA WAS
THAT WE WANTED TO HAVE,
KIND OF, THE CHURCH,
THE CASTLE, FEEL.
SO THEN I MADE IT GOTHIC.
THIS IS OUR BOUDOIR.
- OKAY, THAT LOOKS LIKE...
- OH, THAT IS HUGE!
- UH-OH, THAT SAYS
A LOT ABOUT CARLTON.
- OH, MY GOD! REALLY?
- OH, OH, CARLTON.
- HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN HERE?
- SEXY HEXY.
- YOU COULD DO SOME CRAZY THINGS
ON THAT BED, I'M SURE.
I'M GOING TO GET ONE
WHEN I'M RICH.
- OH, MY GOD.
WE COULD ALL SLEEP IN THERE.
- YES.
- THAT IS HUGE.
- YES. [all laugh]
- DON'T YOU FEEL GUILTY HAVING
SEX WITH A CROSS ABOVE YOUR BED?
- NO, NOT AT ALL.
I WELCOME IT. - [laughs]
- I REALLY WOULD NOT WANT TO
HAVE A CROSS HANGING
ABOVE MY BED.
LIKE SOMEONE'S
WATCHING DOWN ON ME.
THIS HOUSE MAKES ME WANT TO GET
THE OUIJA BOARD OUT.
- MAYBE IT IS A LITTLE UNUSUAL
TO HAVE THIS
KIND OF GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE.
WHERE I COME FROM IN ENGLAND,
IT'S REALLY QUITE COMMON.
BUT THIS IS TAKING IT
TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
- WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THE MIDDLE
WHERE THE KITTY CAT IS?
- I'M... BUT,
I'M NOT SITTING HERE,
JUST SO YOU KNOW.
I DON'T ACTUALLY
LIKE HEADS OF TABLE...
- RIGHT.
- OR ANY OF THAT SILLY [bleep]...
SO... - SO ONE OF US HAS TO
BECAUSE WE'RE AN ODD NUMBER.
- PLEASE.
- PLEASE, GO AHEAD.
- WELL, THEN I FEEL... WELL.
I MEAN... STOP.
- SHE'S LIKE,
"IF YOU ALL INSIST."
- I THINK IT'S REALLY POMPOUS
FOR ME, IN MY HOME,
TO SIT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE
AND HAVE ALL OF MY LITTLE LADIES
SIT EITHER SIDE OF THIS TABLE.
I DON'T DO THAT.
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
WELL, THIS FEELS
INCREDIBLY AWKWARD.
[laughs]
- I'M ASSUMING THAT CARLTON'S
GOING TO SIT THERE
AND, YOU KNOW,
PLAY THE QUEEN BITCH.
BUT SHE KIND OF LEFT IT
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.
[all laugh]
- THANKS, BABY.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
[indistinct chatter]
- THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- I SEE ALL THESE PRETTY WOMEN
RUNNING AROUND.
- THERE ARE HOT GIRLS.
- WHO ARE THEY?
- THERE'S A LOT OF HOT GIRLS
IN THE HOUSE.
- WHO'S THE GIRL IN THE BLUE
DRESS THAT JUST WENT BY?
- OH...
- AND THERE'S ANOTHER GIRL.
- ELIZY'S THE BLOND
IN THE BLUE DRESS.
SHE'S MY NANNY FOR MY SON. - OH.
- I BELIEVE IN HAVING
A HOT NANNY FOR MY SON.
- REALLY?
- YEAH. SHE'S FUNNY.
SHE HAS, LIKE, SOMETHING
THAT MAKES MY TOES CURL.
- MY HUMOR MAKES YOUR TOES...
BECAUSE I HAVE TOILET HUMOR.
THAT'S WHY. - YES, EXACTLY.
- IT'S FUNNY
BECAUSE I WAS ON VACATION
AND CINDY CRAWFORD WAS IN OUR
GROUP AND SHE WAS, LIKE...
SHE HAD THE HOTTEST NANNY.
I ASKED HER... I SAID, "WHY DO YOU
HAVE SUCH A HOT NANNY?
"ARE YOU NOT WORRIED?
"LIKE, 'CAUSE I WOULD BE WORRIED
WITH MY EX-HUSBAND."
AND SHE GOES, "BRANDI,
I HAVE TO LOOK AT HER, TOO."
- YEAH.
- OOH!
- SO I WANT HIM
TO KNOW BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
- THERE'S NO 200 POUND MINIMUM
IN THIS HOUSE?
- [bleep] NO.
- [laughs]
- BON APPETIT, GUYS.
I AM SO HUNGRY.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A BITE.
- ME, TOO.
- SO, CARLTON?
- YEAH?
- I LOVE YOUR HOUSE
AND WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU GUYS
TO BUILD THIS HOUSE?
- TO BUILD IT?
PROBABLY ABOUT THREE YEARS.
- AND YOUR HUSBAND'S
FROM NEW YORK, RIGHT?
- YEAH, DAVID WAS BORN
IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK.
- WELL, BACK TO HOW WE MET YOU.
HOW DID YOU... CARLTON,
WHAT DO YOU GUYS...
- YES.
- WHAT IS YOUR ASSOCIATION
WITH THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE?
- DAVID'S FAMILY,
UM, THEIR BUSINESS
IS PART OF THE CHAMBER
OF COMMERCE.
- OH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
- AND WHAT'S YOUR BLOOD TYPE?
[all laugh]
I'M JUST FOOLING WITH YOU.
[cat growl]
- BLOOD TYPE. THAT'S FUNNY.
- NO, I'M JUST
TRYING TO GET, YOU KNOW,
TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.
- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN I MET YOU... - YEAH?
- I FELT YOU HAD,
LIKE, AN EDGE TO YOU.
I SAID THAT TO YOU. - SHE DID.
NOT IN A BAD WAY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
- NO, MEANING...
- SHE SAID THAT SHE LIKED YOU.
LIKE YOU'RE...
LIKE A GOOD [bleep].
- NICE. I LIKE THOSE.
NOW THIS IS A WORD
THAT I REALLY HATE.
BUT BRANDI USED IT WITH ME,
AND I HONESTLY WAS NOT
OFFENDED BY IT AT ALL.
- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
- LIKE A GOOD ONE.
LIKE, [bleep] IN A GOOD WAY.
- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, BRANDI.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, BECAUSE
KYLE SAYS SOMETHING SO LITTLE
AS, "WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?"
AND CARLTON TAKES IT PERSONAL.
BUT THEN BRANDI CALLS CARLTON
A "SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY,"
AND SHE DOESN'T REACT.
I DON'T GET IT.
- WHO SAYS THAT?
CAN'T YOU THINK
OF SOMETHING ELSE?
- SHE SAYS.
- COME ON.
- IT'S BRANDI, BABE.
- I KNOW.
- LET HER BE.
- NO, I LIKE IT.
- GOSH!
THESE ARE THE MOMENTS
I WANT TO TAKE YOU OUTSIDE.
- GO BACK TO YOUR SWEET
SHUT THE [bleep] UP DAYS.
THEY WERE SO MUCH NICER.
- YEAH, YOUR INNOCENT...
THOSE INNOCENT DAYS.
- REMEMBER WHEN YOU
ONLY USED THE F-WORD?
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
- BUT YOU KNOW,
YOU NEED TO LEARN
THAT YOU'RE NOT HER
MOTHER. YOU'RE HER GIRLFRIEND.
-I KNOW, BUT I'M STILL...
- SO YOU GOTTA LET IT GO.
BRANDI IS BRANDI.
SHE IS PLAYFUL WITH WORDS.
THAT'S WHO SHE IS.
YOU CAN'T TAKE IT SERIOUS.
- JUST PUT SOME HANDCUFFS ON ME.
- I DON'T... NO. KEN CAN DO THAT.
- I HANDCUFFS
IF WE NEED THEM RIGHT NOW.
[laughs]
- SHE DID SAY THAT YOU'RE
A NICE [bleep], YOU KNOW?
I SUPPOSE THAT'S SOMEWHAT OF
A COMPLEMENT COMING FROM BRANDI.
- SO, LISA, HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE WHOLE...
- THE WORD [bleep]?
- NO, NOT THAT WORD.
- GLEB.
- IS IT GLEB OR GELB?
- DANCING WITH THE STARS...
- GELB.
- ARE YOU GLAD IT'S OVER?
- IT'S HER BOYFRIEND.
- ARE YOU...
- SHE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM.
- OH, STOP.
- NO, SHE IS.
- WHEN YOU SPEND SIX WEEKS
IN SOME...
- DO YOU FEEL HORNY
WHEN YOU'RE DANCING WITH HIM?
[laughter]
LET'S JUST
CUT TO THE CHASE, LISA!
ENOUGH OF YOUR ENGLISH
BEATING AROUND THE BUSH.
NO PUN INTENDED. [laughs]
- LET ME TELL YOU.
- HE TOLD ME HER FAVORITE MOVE
WAS TO GRIND ON HIM.
- YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME
AND HE HAD A HARD ON. - [laughs]
- [mimics Lisa]
SHE WILL TELL YOU
THAT THERE IS A SENSE
OF LOVE THERE, DARLING.
YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER
WITH YOUR BODY
ON THE OTHER PERSON'S BODY.
OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
SOME... NOW I WENT, LIKE,
BRITISH AND THEN DUTCH
AND THEN IRISH.
- I WANT A MAN LIKE MY HUSBAND
WHO'S GRATEFUL
WHEN I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF.
NOT LIKE SOME 29-YEAR-OLD
WHO'S LIKE,
"OH, I'VE COME TO SHAG HER
BEFORE SHE CROAKS."
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- OH, [bleep] THAT.
NOBODY LOOKS AT YOU
AND SAYS THAT.
- OH, COME ON.
- OH, PLEASE.
- WOULD YOU WANT TO GO TO BED
WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S 29 YEARS OLD?
- YOU?
- WOULD YOU?
- GO TO BED WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S 29?
- YEAH. NO, NOT REALLY.
- NO, 'CAUSE I CAN'T EVEN...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO TAKE THAT. - EXACTLY.
- WOULD I GO TO BED WITH YOU?
- ME?
- I'D BE GRATEFUL...
- WHAT, TO GO TO... [laughs]
- IF YOU GOT NAKED.
- WELL, YOU...
LISTEN, I'M A HUGE SUPPORTER
OF THE GAY COMMUNITY.
I THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE
TO DO EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT.
BUT IT'S NOT UP MY ALLEY.
LITERALLY.
- I'M JUST SAYING, I'M...
- HE'S 29 YEARS OLD.
- I KNOW THAT.
- I'M 52.
- WELL, MY VAGINA'S 17, SO...
- EXACTLY.
[all laugh]
- I HEARD ABOUT
THAT LITTLE SURGERY.
- TIGHT AS A TIGER.
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID? [laughs]
- BRANDI HAS CORNERED
THE MARKET ON INAPPROPRIATENESS.
SHE'S BRILLIANT AT IT.
- I'M SO TIGHT, IF I DO
A NIP-TUCK, HE WOULDN'T FIT.
- [laughs]
YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
- BUT HEARING IT FROM JOYCE...
[gags]
I MAY HAVE THROWN UP
IN MY MOUTH.
I'M NOT SURE.
- 'CAUSE HE'S SO BIG.
- HOW TIGHT YOU ARE
AND HOW BIG YOUR MAN IS?
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?
MY HUSBAND'S HUNG
LIKE A [bleep] DONKEY,
BUT I DO NOT GO AROUND
TELLING PEOPLE THAT.
- HOW 'BOUT THAT CHICKEN?
- I'M VERY PROUD OF MY BABY.
- HE DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE A BABY THOUGH.
- SO WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU
THAT YOU THINK IS IMPORTANT
FOR US TO KNOW?
- TELL US YOUR DARKEST SECRET.
- I LOVE WOMEN.
I THINK THAT WE WOULD RULE
THE UNIVERSE
IF WE JUST GOT THE [bleep] OUT
OF THE WAY OF OURSELVES.
IF THERE WASN'T... - SO TRUE.
THE CATTINESS AND THE JEALOUSY
AND THE INSECURITY AND...
- IF EVERYONE WOULD STOP
[bleep] OUR HUSBANDS.
- [laughs]
- KYLE, THERE
IS THAT... THAT STORY
ABOUT MAURICIO CHEATING
AND WHATNOT.
LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
- WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?
YOU KNOW THAT IT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU KNOW HOW HURTFUL AND PAINFUL
IT'S BEEN FOR MY FAMILY AND ME.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AT A TABLE
LIKE THIS, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?
[bleep] YOU.
- COMING UP...
- A LOT OF TIMES,
THESE STORIES COME OUT.
- YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE.
- EXACTLY.
- KYLE, THERE IS THAT STORY
ABOUT MAURICIO CHEATING
AND WHATNOT.
LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
- COME ON, EVERYTHING THEY SAY
IS A LOAD OF CODSWALLOP.
- THEY'VE DONE IT TO YOU.
- SORRY, THEY'VE DONE IT TO ME...
- THEY'VE DONE IT TO ALL OF US.
- IT'S A... REALLY?
- NO, BUT I MEAN, IT STILL SUCKS
TO HAVE THAT OUT THERE.
- IN L.A. EVERYTHING... IT'S
A TABLOID [bleep] SOCIETY.
YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER
WHEN MASON SAW HIS DAD
ON THE COVER OF STAR MAGAZINE
IN A BATHING SUIT,
HUGGING LEANN.
SO I JUST WANTED
TO GIVE HER A HEADS-UP,
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT
TO GET YOUR HEAD AROUND THAT.
- YOU JUST HAVE TO IGNORE IT.
I REALLY DO.
I THINK IF YOU RESPOND TO IT,
IT MAKES IT BIGGER.
LET IT GO.
THAT WOULD BE MY ADVICE.
- YOU KNOW, BEING IN
THE LIMELIGHT LIKE THAT...
- RIGHT.
- AND BEING IN THAT POSITION
IS TERRIBLE, BUT IT'S... YOU
REALLY DON'T BELIEVE...
- IT COMES WITH THE TERRITORY.
- IT REALLY IS.
- ON THE OTHER HAND, THOUGH,
A LOT OF TIMES
THESE STORIES COME OUT,
AND I'M NOT SAYING, YOU KNOW...
- YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE.
- EXACTLY.
THERE'S ALWAYS A LITTLE BIT OF
TRUTH OF WHAT'S IN THE TABLOIDS.
LET'S NOT SAY
THAT NONE OF IT IS TRUE.
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN EDDIE... LIKE,
THESE STORIES STARTED
COMING OUT ABOUT EDDIE
AND CERTAIN SOAP OPERA PEOPLE
AND HE WAS LIKE,
IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
AND I REALLY BELIEVED
THAT IT WASN'T TRUE.
- RIGHT.
- AND IT JUST SUCKED
TO BE ME BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
- MY HUSBAND AND I ARE
IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER,
AND NO TABLOID OR ANY GROUP
OF MEAN GIRLS
CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.
ANYBODY WANTS TO BE THAT SICK
AND LIE AND BE VICIOUS
AND [bleep] WITH US,
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
WE'RE THAT STRONG, SO...
I'VE NEVER BROUGHT UP LIES
IN TABLOIDS ABOUT THEM.
I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
[voice breaking] I'VE HEARD LIES
ABOUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
I'VE NEVER SAID THAT.
I WOULD NOT DO THAT.
- THERE IS A LOT OF LIES...
- OKAY.
- OUT THERE, BUT THERE'S
ALSO A LOT OF TRUTH.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE MEAN AND
DO THINGS LIKE THAT, THOUGH.
YOU WISH IT WERE TRUE.
EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT ISN'T,
YOU WISH.
AND [bleep] ALL OF YOU.
- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS.
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
ANY OF THESE [bleep] GIRLS
CAN DO A LIE DETECTOR TEST
WITH ME TOMORROW AND NO PROBLEM.
- OH, MY GOD.
THERE'S NOT... YOU HAVE
THE TINIEST WAIST.
- NO, IT'S 'CAUSE I'VE GOT
BIG BOOBS AND A BIG ASS.
- WELCOME TO CIRQUE SCHOOL.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- [groans]
- I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT
HANGING IN THE BUTCHER.
- BRANDI, COME ON.
YOU'VE DONE THAT BEFORE.
- YESTERDAY, I'M GETTING
CHASED DOWN IN CALABASAS
BY THE PAPARAZZI SAYING KYLE
RICHARDS IS CALLING ME A BULLY.
IT JUST SUCKS TO BE CALLED
A BULLY IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN.
- ENOUGH OF THIS MEAN,
MEAN TALKING
AND MEAN... I CAN'T TAKE IT.
- WHEN I'M ON MY PERIOD,
I'M A TOTAL BITCH.
SO SOMETIMES I GET UPSET.
- SO YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD NOW?
- [laughs]
- TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,