The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Faint Chance - full transcript

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- WHOA.

- EASY... NOW!

IT IS A LITTLE BIT STRANGE
FOR ME, BEING SO, KIND OF, UM,

PHYSICALLY ENTWINED WITH
SOMEBODY OTHER THAN MY HUSBAND.

- TA-DA.

WELCOME HOME.

- BASICALLY, I'M A WHITE VERSION

OF THE JEFFERSONS,
AND I'M MOVIN' ON UP.

I THINK I NEED TO HAVE IT.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO
GET YOU THIS HOUSE.



- SIT DOWN.

LET ME HAVE THAT TOY.

I'VE HAD KINGSLEY ONE YEAR

AND, WELL, KINGSLEY
NEEDS SOME TRAINING.

- JOYCE, MICHAEL, I WANTED YOU
TO MEET CARLTON AND DAVID.

- HELLO.
- HI, I'M JOYCE.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- JOYCE AND MICHAEL.

- DAVID. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- I'M A TOTAL PAGEANT GIRL
FROM PUERTO RICO,

BUT I LIVE IN BEVERLY HILLS NOW.

- I'M GONNA TAKE HER
TO RUN MY ERRANDS WITH ME.

- THIS IS WHERE THE RUMOR COMES,

THAT HE'S BEING SEEN
WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN.

- THIS IS NOT FUNNY,
AND I DON'T WANT YOU



TALKING LIKE THAT
IN FRONT OF MY CHILD.

I'M FROM THIS TOWN.

I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.

- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.

- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER
YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.

- EVERYBODY LOVES A COMEBACK
STORY, ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.

- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.

- YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.

- LIFE IS A SEXY LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.

- MORNING, BLANKIE.

HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M FINE, THANK YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?

- THE MASTER CLEANSE MASTER.

I'M GOING ON A CLEANSE RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE I'VE JUST BEEN TAKING
SO MANY MEDICATIONS,

AND I JUST FEEL SO TOXIC
SINCE I'VE GOTTEN SICK

AND BEEN DEALING
WITH LYME DISEASE.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU DID IT?

- I DID 20 DAYS.

- AND HOW MUCH WEIGHT
DID YOU LOSE IN THE 20 DAYS?

- 18 POUNDS.

- LYME DISEASE IS A BACTERIA

THAT GETS INTO YOUR BODY
BY A TICK BITE,

AND IT CAN AFFECT PEOPLE
IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

FOR ME, IT WENT INTO MY BRAIN

AND I STARTED TO NOTICE THAT
I WAS LOSING BRAIN FUNCTION.

WELL, I CAN'T EAT ANYTHING
ANYWAY THIS MORNING

BECAUSE OF THE SURGERY,
SO IT'S EASY FOR ME TODAY.

THEY PLACED A PORT THAT GOES
STRAIGHT TO THE HEART,

AND FOUR TIMES A DAY
IT WOULD GIVE ME ANTIBIOTICS.

BUT TODAY I'M GETTING
MY PORT TAKEN OUT,

AND I DON'T MIND GETTING
A NEEDLE POKED EVERY DAY.

I THINK I'M TOUGH ENOUGH
TO GET THAT DONE.

THAT'S JUST
PART OF THE RECOVERY.

OKAY, I'M GONNA WAKE UP SENOR
AND THEN I'M GONNA GET DRESSED

AND GET READY FOR THE AIRPORT.
- OKAY.

- I'M MEAN FOR THE AIRPORT.
- I KNOW.

- I MEAN FOR... LYME BRAIN.
[laughs]

- I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK.

- I'M NEED ALL THE LUCK
I CAN GET, TRUST ME.

I FEEL, LIKE, SCARED [bleep]
TO BE HONEST.

I MEAN IT'S TOTALLY
OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.

MIND YOU, I'M GETTING
USED TO IT WITH GLEB.

HE'S SO BLOODY GORGEOUS.

- [giggles]

- DANCING WITH THE STARS

TAKES OVER YOUR LIFE,
BUT, YOU KNOW,

I'M GONNA GET THROUGH IT
AND GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO UNDERSTAND THIS.

IT'S A LEGITIMATE WAY
OF BEING UNFAITHFUL.

I MEAN, I CAN MAKE OUT
WITH ANOTHER MAN

WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

PERFECT. - YEAH.

- WISH ME LUCK.
- WISH YOU...

- I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I LOVE YOU.

I WOULD NEVER MAKE OUT

WITH ANOTHER MAN,
YOU LITTLE SEX MACHINE.

- SO MR. KEN IS GONNA...
- YEAH.

HE'S GONNA COME AND GET HIM,
AND HE CAN COME AND SEE ME.

THEY LOVE HIM
IN THE AUDIENCE THERE ANYWAY.

- YEAH, YEAH.
- OKAY, WISH ME LUCK, ROCIO.

- OKAY, MISS LISA, GOOD LUCK.

I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK.

GIGGY SAY GOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO.

YOU'RE THE BEST. - NO, I'M NOT.

I'M USELESS, BUT I'M GONNA
GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT.

- OKAY, MISS LISA. BYE.

- 8 GOES INTO 42...

IS IT WRONG THAT
I WANT TO GET A CALCULATOR?

WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN AGAIN?

- THIRD.
- YEAH.

QUITE DIFFICULT.

MY LIFE AND MY CHILDREN
IS [bleep] AMAZING.

I BELIEVE THAT YOUR HOME
IS YOUR SANCTUARY

AND IT'S VERY NECESSARY
TO PUT YOUR IMPRINT IN THERE.

IN MY HOME I HAVE
A LOT OF RELIGIOUS SYMBOLS.

I LOVE THE CROSS.

I THINK IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SYMBOL.

BUT THEN, I LOVE THE PENTAGRAM
FOR OTHER REASONS,

AND THAT'S MY FAITH.

- HEY, BABE.

HOW YOU DOING? - GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU? - HEY BABE.

- HI, DADDY.
- HOW YOU DOING?

- GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA
GO UP AND CHANGE.

- WHEN I WAS PROBABLY
ABOUT SEVEN YEARS OLD,

AND I WOULD IMAGINE THE CASTLE
THAT I WOULD BUILD...

AND WE DID IT. WE BLOODY DID IT.

ARE YOU READY? [grunts]

- YOU WORKING OUT FIRST?
- YEAH.

- WE'LL START
WITH SOME SPRINTS, ALL RIGHT?

GO. - [breathes heavily]

- STRAIGHT AT ME.
- WHAT?

- GOOD JOB, BABE.
- DAVID AND HIS FAMILY

OWN A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR
SPORTS MANAGEMENT COMPANY

THAT MANAGES NBA PLAYERS
AND NFL PLAYERS.

HE REPRESENTS TOP ATHLETES
IN THE INDUSTRY.

SO FITNESS IS VERY IMPORTANT
TO DAVID AND I.

- COOL. THAT'S A SPRINT.

GOOD. COME ON, MYS.

- [giggles]
- PICK IT UP.

GOOD.

- YOU'RE BLOODY FAST.

- GOOD WORKOUT.
- THANK YOU.

- I AM CONSIDERED
THE STRICT ONE,

BETWEEN DAVID AND I.

AND I THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING.

I THINK WITH DAUGHTERS,
FOR DAVID,

HE SHOULD BE MORE LENIENT.

- NO.
- LET'S WASH YOUR HANDS.

- MOM?
- YES?

- CAN I CUT UP THE CUCUMBERS?

- YEAH, JUST KEEP YOUR FINGERS

AND YOUR THUMB
AWAY FROM THE EDGE.

- THAT'S A REALLY
SHARP KNIFE, BABE.

- MOVE YOUR BLOODY FINGERS.
I DO NOT WANT TO EAT AN INDEX...

CAN I JUST SHOW YOU A QUICK WAY

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
CUT ONE PIECE AT A TIME?

- I KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

- AND THEN YOU HAVE TO
DO IT ON THE ENDS,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO DO IT INDIVIDUALLY.

- YES, I KNOW.
- STOP SAYING YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T EVER GROUND MY CHILDREN.

I HAVEN'T REALLY NEEDED TO.

BUT THEY UNDERSTAND
ONCE I GET TO THAT POINT

WHERE MY EYES CHANGE,
THAT MOMMY'S SERIOUS.

HEY, D, DO ME A FAVOR.
- THAT'S A SHARP KNIFE.

- DESTINY, DO NOT TAKE...
NO, SERIOUSLY.

PICK UP THAT [bleep] KNIFE
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

I DON'T WATCH MY LANGUAGE
AROUND MY CHILDREN.

DON'T LOOK AT ME
WITH THE KNIFE IN YOUR HAND.

LOOK AT THE [bleep] CELERY.

MY DAUGHTER SWORE ONE TIME
WHEN SHE WAS THREE YEARS OLD.

SHE WAS STANDING IN FRONT
OF THE MIRROR AND SHE SAID,

"MOMMY, DO I [bleep] ROCK,
MOMMY?"

AND I SAID, "NO, YOU LOOK
[bleep] BEAUTIFUL."

AND THAT WAS THE VERY FIRST TIME

AND THE ONLY TIME
SHE'S EVER SWORN.

NO!

YOU KNOW, I SWEAR TO, GOD,

I'M HAVING [bleep] ANGINA
RIGHT NOW.

- ANGINA?
- WHATEVER THE HELL IT'S CALLED.

- IS THAT, LIKE, MANGINA?

- MOMMY, WHAT'S ANGINA?

- I DON'T [bleep] KNOW.

- ARE YOU NERVOUS?

- UM, A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

- YOU'RE WEARING YOUR CLOGS,

WHICH USUALLY MEANS
YOU'RE NERVOUS.

- YES, MY DUTCH CLOGS.

- HEY, BABE, SHOULD WE GO?
- YEAH.

- LET'S GO, BABE.
- ARE YOU GOING WITH US?

- I LOVE YOU.
- NO, I'M GOING TO A HORSE SHOW.

- HORSE SHOW.
- GOOD LUCK.

- LET'S GO GET THAT THING OUT.
- BYE. SEE YOU.

I KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BIG DAY.

- WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,
IT'S FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

AND LYME DISEASE
IS AN ONGOING SITUATION

THAT YOLANDA AND MYSELF

ARE GOING TO HAVE TO
DEAL WITH FOR LIFE.

ARE YOU NERVOUS?
BECAUSE YOU WERE REALLY NERVOUS

WHEN THEY PUT THAT THING IN.

- WELL, IT'S BECAUSE
IT'S IN YOUR HEART.

YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE,
A STRANGE PLACE.

- YEAH. IT'S NO JOKE.

- LOVE YOU, BABY.

- I THINK THAT LYME DISEASE
SHOWED ME

THAT I COULD BE A GOOD HUSBAND.

BECAUSE I'VE, YOU KNOW,
SORT OF FAILED AT THAT

A COUPLE OF TIMES AT LEAST.

- THANK YOU, LOVE.
- HERE, BABY.

- THANK YOU, LOVE.

- WHERE DO WE GO?

- MORNING.
- MORNING.

- HEY, DOC.
- HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD SEEING YOU.

- HI, DOC.
- THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

- HOW ARE YOU, BABY?
- HOW ARE YOU?

- GREAT. GRADUATION DAY.

THIS LADY IS GONNA TAKE US HERE
BACK TO THE BACK.

- OKAY. HI. GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

- THANK GOD FOR MY HUSBAND

AND MY CHILDREN WHO ARE AMAZING.

WHEN YOU STARE AT THE CEILING
DAY IN, DAY OUT, YOU KNOW,

JUST HAVING THEM COME AND SAY
HELLO AT THE END OF THE DAY...

YOU KNOW,
THAT'S WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR.

- WE'RE GETTING
THE CATHETER OUT.

THE DISEASE IS UNDER CONTROL,
BUT IT'S GONNA TAKE A LONG TIME

TO RECOVER FROM THAT
PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE

THAT THIS DID, BECAUSE
IT TAKES A PIECE OF YOU.

- I JUST FEEL LIKE I LOST
MY BALLS, YOU KNOW?

- YEAH, WELL,
THEY'RE BACK, BABY.

- NO, THEY'RE NOT.

THE VOWS ARE THROUGH SICKNESS
AND THROUGH HEALTH, RIGHT?

BUT IN BEVERLY HILLS,
MOST MEN ARE HAPPY

TO SHOW OFF
THEIR BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF THEY STICK
AROUND THROUGH TIMES LIKE THIS.

- THERE'S WHERE MY JOURNEY ENDS.
[kiss]

I LOVE YOU. IT'S GONNA BE FINE.

IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT, OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU IN RECOVERY.

- OH, MY LOVE.
- LOVE YOU, BABE.

- THOSE ARE THE TIMES THAT YOU
REALLY TRULY SEE HOW MUCH

YOU LOVE EACH OTHER,
AND ARE YOU THERE SHOWING UP

IN THESE TRUE TIMES OF NEED?

- COMING UP...

OH, MY, GOD, THERE'S A BEE.

KILL IT FOR ME IF YOU LOVE ME.

- NO!
- [laughs]

- THIS IS [bleep] UP.

WHY WOULD YOU DO
SUCH AN AWFUL THING?

- WELCOME TO MY...
NOT-SO-HUMBLE HOME.

I FEEL LIKE IT'S A LITTLE MORE
DIFFICULT TO HAVE HAD SOMETHING

AT ONE TIME AND LOST IT THAN TO
NEVER HAVE HAD IT AT ALL.

IT'S LIKE
I'M COMING BACK UP THE LADDER

WHERE I WAS ALREADY AT THE TOP.

I MEAN, BETTER TO BE GOING UP
THAN DOWN?

MAYBE.

SOMETIMES GOING DOWN'S FUN.

[thud]

- I HOPE THERE'S NOTHING
BREAKABLE IN THERE.

- LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS.

- ARE YOU GONNA
TAKE ME ON THE TOUR?

- YES.
- TAKE ME ON THE TOUR.

- YOU KNOW HOW EVERYONE SAYS,
"OH, I CAN HELP YOU MOVE"?

WELL, NO ONE CAN.

SO I CALLED MOM.

THANK YOU FOR COMING DOWN.
- IT'S MY THING.

I LIKE TO MOVE PEOPLE, AND
I'M NOT MOVING EVER AGAIN, SO...

- NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE,
YOU ALWAYS NEED YOUR MOMMY.

AND, LIKE, AT THIS MOMENT,
I NEED MY MOMMY.

THIS IS WHERE
MORE BABIES WILL BE MADE.

[laughs]

- NO, THANKS.

A WALK-IN CLOSET? - YES.

I WAS THINKING I COULD EVEN
PUT MY STRIPPER POLE IN HERE.

NO.

THIS IS THE FORMAL DINING ROOM,
WHICH...

- IT WOULD BE NICE
IF YOU GET A DINING ROOM TABLE.

- SO THIS IS MY POOL.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ALL GROWN UP.

- OH, SOME DAY YOU WILL BE.
- [laughs]

THIS IS THE GROWN-UP ROOM.

- YEAH, THAT'S VERY NICE.
- YOU DON'T SEEM SUPER-EXCITED.

UM, THIS IS THE KITCHEN.

- LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S BAD.

THAT'S A SMALL OVEN, TOO.

- SHH.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN ABLE

TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS
ON MY OWN.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T
GROW UP LIKE THIS,

SO IT'S REALLY EXCITING
TO SHOW MY MOM.

I NEED A DRINK.

- SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
- [laughs]

OKEYDOKE.

"CHAOS."

KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE YOUR LIFE.

- OPEN IT.
- OKAY.

- WE'RE GONNA BE GANGSTER
AND DRINK OUT OF THE BOTTLE.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN.

- GO FOR IT, MOM.

TAKE A SWIG.

MY MOM IS EVERYONE'S ROCK,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT OUR FAMILY
WOULD DO IF WE DIDN'T HAVE HER.

SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME,

AND I WANT TO BE RICH
SO I CAN TAKE CARE OF HER.

YOU KNOW, I'M IN A POSITION NOW

WHERE I CAN HELP YOU GUYS
FINANCIALLY.

SO IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL
THAT DAD'S...

- BABY, I'M EMPLOYED FULL-TIME.
- I KNOW.

BUT I KNOW
THAT HE'S NOT WORKING...

- WE'RE FINE, WE MAKE OUR HOUSE
PAYMENTS, WE PAY OUR BILLS.

WE HAVE NO PROBLEMS.

- WELL, I'M GONNA SEND YOU
MONEY WHEN I WANT,

AND I DON'T WANT YOU
NOT TO CASH IN THE CHECKS.

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A...
- I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

- YOU CAN KIND OF BE A PAIN
IN THE ASS...

- I KNOW.
- SOMETIMES.

- BUT JUST DON'T TELL DAD,

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT'S NOT
GONNA GO OVER WELL WITH HIM.

THINGS WITH MY DAD
ARE NOT AMAZING RIGHT NOW.

HE WAS VERY OFFENDED
BY MY OSCAR DRESS.

HE SAID, "I LIKED YOU
BEFORE YOU HAD THOSE THINGS,"

TALKING ABOUT MY BOOBS.

I MEAN, GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO THAT?

LIKE, I'M NOT
TAKING THEM OUT, DAD.

BOOBS ARE STAYING.

THE OTHER DAY I TEXTED HIM

AND I SAID, "DAD," I GO,
"IT WOULD REALLY SUCK

IF YOU DIED
WHEN WE'RE NOT TALKING."

[giggles] NO... NOTHING BACK.

- MM...

- WELL, THE KIDS
WANT TO SEE HIM.

I GUESS I'LL STAY AT GRANDMA'S.

- OF COURSE THEY DO,

AND OF COURSE YOU CAN
STAY AT THE HOUSE.

- IT'S WEIRD,
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T CHANGED.

HE JUST, WITH HIS AGE, SEEMS TO
BE GETTING MORE CONSERVATIVE.

HE USED TO BE,
LIKE, NAKED ALL THE TIME,

AND, YOU KNOW, ANYTHING GOES.

GIVE ME THAT LEATHER BOOK.

- THIS ONE?
- YEAH.

- OKAY.
- OH.

THERE'S A LOT OF GOODIES
IN HERE.

I WAS REALLY INTO
MY POETRY BACK THEN.

WRITING HAS ALWAYS BEEN A WAY
FOR ME TO EXPRESS MYSELF,

BECAUSE I DON'T ALWAYS
FIND THE EXACT WORDS

I NEED AT THE MOMENT
I NEED THEM.

A LOT OF TIMES ITS, LIKE,
"[bleep] YOU, [bleep] THIS,

[bleep] THAT, [bleep] HIM,
[bleep] YOU, [bleep] OFF."

AND I DON'T ALWAYS
NEED TO GO THAT ROUTE.

WAIT, CUTE POEMS
ABOUT GUY AND JUDY.

I SWEAR TO GOD. - [laughs]

- SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO PUT
IT IN A POEM

AND BE A LITTLE BIT LIKE
"I'M A LITTLE MAD AT YOU,

BUT THAT WILL DO."
YOU KNOW, THAT KIND OF THING?

"MY MOM IS PRETTY,
BUT SHE'S KIND OF [bleep]."

[laughs] - [coughs]

- "SHE ACTS REAL NICE,
BUT THEN YOU THINK TWICE.

SHE DOESN'T... "[laughs]

- HOW OLD WERE YOU
WHEN YOU WROTE THIS?

- "SHE DOESN'T REALLY CALL.

"I MEAN, NEVER, AT ALL.

"REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE,
SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW.

SHE NEEDS TO GET IN TOUCH
WITH ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL."

[both laugh]

OH MY, GOD.

- BYRON, KEATS, AND SHELLEY
HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

- WHO ARE THEY?

- NEVERMIND. [laughs]

- IS THAT PAINFUL FOR YOU?
- YEAH.

- LET ME GIVE YOU
SOME MORE NUMBING.

- I'M GETTING MY PORT TAKEN OUT

BECAUSE I WORRY THAT, YOU KNOW,
I COULD GET AN INFECTION

AND THAT I'M GONNA GET WORSE.

I REALLY WANT TO JUST GET IT OUT
AND GO HOME.

- PORT IS OUT.

THERE'S NO BLEEDING.
LOOKS GREAT.

- GETTING MY PORT OUT,
KIND OF MAKING ME FEEL LIKE

I'VE ACCOMPLISHED
AT LEAST SOMETHING.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING
INTO BETTER TIMES.

- HI, BABY.

HI BABE. - HI, BABY.

- HOW'D IT ALL GO?

- IT WENT.
- IT WENT?

IT'S OUT. - I'M SO TIRED.

- THE ALIEN IS OUT.
- I THINK YOU SHOULD THINK

ABOUT, LIKE, THIS AS THE
BEGINNING OF THE NEXT PHASE...

- YEAH.
- TO HELP RECOVER FROM ALL THAT.

YOU KNOW?

- YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY CHANGED
ME AS A HUMAN BEING,

THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE.
- I'M SURE.

- MY PROBLEM IS ALWAYS TRYING
TO BE A TOUGH ASS

AND JUST KEEP GOING,
EVEN WHEN I'M NOT FEELING GOOD.

AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK
THIS IS A GOOD LESSON.

- OH, GIGI CALLED...
- IS SHE OKAY?

- YES, SHE FELT A DIZZY
BECAUSE SHE'S ON THAT FAST TOO.

SO SHE THINKS IT MIGHT
BE A LITTLE DANGEROUS

RIDING HER HORSES.

DO YOU WANT TO CALL HER
RIGHT NOW OR...

- YEAH.

- I'LL JUST HOLD IT FOR YOU.

[phone rings]
- BUT SHE'S AT THE...

[GiGi indistinct]
- HEY, GIGI, HERE'S YOUR MOM.

- HI, LOVEY.

- HI, MOMMY. HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M OKAY. I JUST WOKE UP.

HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M FEELING REALLY WEAK.

I HAD, LIKE, 1/2 AN ALMOND.

- HAVE A COUPLE OF ALMONDS.

CHEW THEM REALLY WELL
BECAUSE YOUR STOMACH IS NOT...

- YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S WHY I WAS SCARED.

OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
- OKAY, I LOVE YOU TOO, BABY.

BE SAFE. - BYE.

- BYE, BABY.
- FEEL BETTER, MOM.

Male announcer:
DANCING THE VIENNESE WALTZ,

LISA VANDERPUMP
AND HER PARTNER, GLEB SAVCHENKO.

- SHOWING UP HERE TONIGHT
IS REALLY MY WAY

OF TELLING HER
I WANT TO MOVE ON.

MY FEELINGS ARE HURT.
I'VE BEEN ANGRY.

BUT I STILL WANT
TO MOVE FORWARD.

- I'M REALLY IMPRESSED
WITH LISA DOING HER DANCE.

THE WORK THEY PUT IN IS AMAZING.

IT'S REALLY HARD WORK, RIGHT?

- I SOMETIMES THINK
THAT THE THINGS

THAT ARE REALLY WORTH DOING
ARE THE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU.

IT IS SCARY, BUT I'M GONNA
HAVE FUN WITH IT.

AND IF THEY BEAT ME UP,
THEN SO BE IT. I DID IT.

PEOPLE CAN CRITICIZE ME,
BUT I'M DOING IT.

- OVER HERE, MISS BRANDI.

- HELLO.

- WE HAVE THE FOOD.

- OH, GOOD, YUM, I'M STARVING.

- AH, HELLO, GIRLS AND BOY.

NOTHING, UM,
HEALTHY TO EAT HERE?

- NO, BUT IT'S REALLY GOOD.

- IT'S SO WORTH IT. WHATEVER.

- IT'S WORTH IT?
- JUST DIG IN.

- HI, TAYLOR.
- HI, HONEY.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS

STARTED EATING WITHOUT ME.
- [laughs]

- [laughing]
WE'RE MAKING A HUGE MESS.

- THE LAST TIME WE SAW YOU GUYS,

HE WAS YOUR LAWYER.

- [chuckle] YEP.

- AND NOW HE'S YOUR MAN.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- AND YOU GUYS ARE,
LIKE, LIVING TOGETHER.

THIS IS REALLY AWESOME.
- THANK YOU.

- IT'S REALLY NICE
TO SEE YOU GUYS TOGETHER

AND SO HAPPY AND LIKE A COUPLE.

TAYLOR SPENDS
MOST OF HER TIME IN COLORADO.

BUT WHENEVER SHE IS HERE,
WE TRY TO SPEND

AS MUCH OF OUR TIME TOGETHER
AS POSSIBLE.

[applause] - OH, MY GOD!

WERE YOU ALL THERE? [sighs]

OH, SHUT UP. - AWESOME.

I MEAN, YOU LOOK... OKAY, WAIT,
IS MY BOOTY STILL THERE?

ALL RIGHT. [overlapping chatter]

IT'S AN AMAZING NIGHT.

WE JUST DANCED
THE VIENNESE WALTZ,

WHICH WENT REALLY WELL.

OR AS WELL AS COULD BE EXPECTED.

AND IT'S NICE TO SEE EVERYBODY
HERE AS A GROUP SUPPORTING ME.

- I THINK YOU SHOULD WEAR
YOUR HAIR LIKE THIS EVERY DAY.

- I WOULD LIKE TO.
- EVERY DAY IS PROM.

- I THINK I SHOULD WEAR
THAT DRESS EVERY DAY.

I THINK...
- YOU'RE THE PROM QUEEN.

I ACTUALLY LIKE
YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT.

- YOU DO?
- I THINK IT'S REALLY CUTE.

- HELLO, EVERYBODY.

- THERE'S OUR BOYFRIEND.

YAY.

- YOU DID AN AMAZING JOB.

REALLY GOOD JOB.
- SHE DID REALLY GOOD.

- SO MUCH FUN.
- YOU'RE BOTH AMAZING.

- GLEB?
- YEAH?

- I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

WHO CHOREOGRAPHS THE DANCES?
- I DO.

- YOU DO?
- AND LISA DOES AS WELL.

- OH, NO, I JUST...

I CAN'T DO THAT.
I CAN'T DO THAT.

HE SAYS, "YES, YOU'RE DOING IT."

AND THAT'S KIND OF...

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVE?
- OH, THAT... NOT THAT.

NOT THAT. - [laughs]

- THAT IS! THAT IS!
- I'M LIKE, "NO."

- YEAH, EXACTLY.

- KEN, WHAT'S LISA'S
FAVORITE MOVE?

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I HAVE A QUESTION.

LET'S COMPARE, LET'S COMPARE.

THAT'S LISA'S FAVORITE MOVE,
ACCORDING TO KEN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY
HER FAVORITE MOVE IS?

- KEN, ARE YOU JEALOUS?

- KEN, ARE YOU JEALOUS WHEN
HE GETS ALL UP AND FRIENDLY?

- DO I LOOK JEALOUS?
I'VE GOT BRANDI.

LET'S SHOW THEM HOW IT GOES.

- ALL RIGHT.
- IT GOES LIKE THIS.

JUMP UP. [grunts]

- OH, YOU'LL PUT YOUR BACK OUT.
YOU'LL PUT YOUR BACK OUT!

- THAT'S HER FAVORITE MOVE.

- COMING UP...

- HOW ARE YOU WITH KYLE?

- I MEAN, I'M NOT IN A BETTER
PLACE WITH THE WOMAN

THAT CALLED ME A LIAR.

- YOU'VE JUST GOT TO PUT
YOUR HOUSE ON THE MARKET,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BOND
REALLY QUICK.

[laughter]

- CAN I GIVE YOU SOME OF THESE?
- YEAH.

- WHERE'S THE LITTLE BOWL
I GAVE YOU BEFORE?

HERE, I'M GONNA
GIVE THIS TO YOU IN A NAPKIN,

BECAUSE I'M RUSHING AND
I HAVE MY FRIENDS COMING OVER.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- THA-A-ANK YOU.

- YO-O-OU'RE WELCOME.

- [knocks on door]

- COMING.

Both: HI!

- HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD TO SEE YOU. - HOW ARE YOU?

- IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY MEETING
PEOPLE IN BEVERLY HILLS.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.

SO WHEN I LIKED
JOYCE AND CARLTON

AT MY CHAMBER OF COMMERCE PARTY,

I DECIDED TO INVITE THEM
OVER FOR LUNCH.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.

- OH, SCOTCH.

MY HUSBAND
IS GONNA BE SO EXCITED.

- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU?
- GOSH, MY HANDS ARE COLD.

- EVER SINCE WE BUILT THIS ROOM,
MY HUSBAND'S, LIKE,

"THIS ROOM MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE WANTING TO HAVE,

LIKE, A SCOTCH WHEN I GET HOME."

- SO HE'S GONNA ENJOY THIS.
- NOW... NOW, LIKE... THANK YOU.

THAT'S VERY SWEET.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- HELLO. HI.

- HI.
- OH, I LOVE THAT COLOR ON YOU.

- THANK YOU. HOW ARE YOU?

- YOU SMELL PRETTY TOO.
- THANK YOU.

- COME IN.

THIS IS MY FRIEND, SHARON.

- OH, MY BLOODY GOD!
- JOYCE.

- THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

OH, MY, GOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- IT'S BEEN, LIKE, FIVE YEARS.
- YEAH.

- SO YOU GUYS WENT TO...
YOU GUYS... YOUR KIDS

WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER? - YEAH.

- HI, I'M JOYCE.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- SHARON.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- SO HOW'S YOUR SON?
- HE'S REALLY GOOD.

- YEAH?
- YOU HAD A BOY, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

HE WAS CRYING,
SO IT WAS REALLY HARD

TO GET OUT THE DOOR,

BECAUSE THE BLACK CAT
CAUGHT A BIRD.

I WAS GETTING READY,
AND I SAW THIS BIRD

FLY INTO THE LIVING ROOM
WHERE WE WERE SITTING,

AND THE CAT WENT FOR IT, AND...

- I'M GONNA OPEN THE WINE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

SHARON, YOU WANT
WHITE WINE OR RED?

- REALLY?

I DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT.

I DON'T CARE
IF SHE WAS BORED TO DEATH.

IT WAS RUDE.

- YOU'RE HERE, SKINNY MINNIE.

- I'M NOT SKINNY. YOU'RE SKINNY.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BRING DRINKS TO MY HOUSE.

- OH.
- LOOK AT YOU

WITH THE BRIGHT PINK LIPSTICK.

HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?
- I WAS MATCHING MY SHIRT.

THIS IS ACTUALLY
FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND.

- WHO'S MY BOYFRIEND?
I'VE GOT SEVERAL.

OH! - [laughs]

- OH, REALLY?

- YES, THIS IS
THEIR NEW TEQUILA.

SO THEY SENT ME SOME.

SO I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD HAVE IT.
- YES.

- AND THEN I GOT THIS
FOR YOLANDA, SO...

SO EVERYONE GETS A PRESENT.

- GEORGE CLOONEY HAS A TEQUILA?

- YEAH.
- I'LL... I'D SHARE IT WITH HIM.

[both laugh]

- I FIGURED YOU'D WANT THAT.

- YEAH, RIGHT?

BETWEEN RUNNING MY RESTAURANTS,

RUNNING MY HOUSEHOLD,

BEING ON DANCING WITH THE STARS,

I REALLY HAVE MISSED
SEEING MY FRIENDS.

- HI, GIRLS.

- I LOVE BRANDI,
AND I LOVE YOLANDA,

AND I LOOK FORWARD TO HAVING A
NICE CUTE COZY LUNCH WITH THEM.

- WOW, IT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE.

WHAT A GORGEOUS DAY.
- I KNOW, I...

- MY GOD.
- YEAH, ISN'T IT REALLY LOVELY?

- GORGEOUS.
- OH, I LOVE IT!

- I LOVE YOU. BYE.
- I LOVE YOU.

BYE. - LOVE YOU.

- BYE, KEN.

- HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
- I'M FEELING OKAY.

- YOU LOOK GREAT.
- YEAH.

- WELL, THAT'S THE THING
WITH THIS DISEASE, YOU KNOW?

YOU LOOK GREAT FROM THE OUTSIDE
AND YOU'RE DYING ON THE INSIDE.

- NO, YOU'RE MUCH... [snapping]

- I'M ABOUT 70%, BUT, YOU KNOW,

MY RECOVERY IS, LIKE,
AN EVERY DAY JOB.

- IS THERE A POINT WHEN YOU'RE
BACK AT 100% AND YOU'RE GOOD?

- THAT'S MY GOAL.

I DO THERAPY EVERY DAY.

- DO YOU?
- YEAH.

- LIKE WHAT?

- PUZZLES TO REPROGRAM
THE BRAIN,

TO ACTIVATE THE BRAIN.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF...

- YOU NEED TO DO THAT, BRANDI.

[laughter]

- OH, I COULDN'T RESIST.

- MY DAVID SAID THE OTHER NIGHT,
"OH MY, GOD, LISA LOOKS SO HOT."

- OH, GOOD.
WELL, I'M GLAD HE'S NOTICING.

- HE NOTICED THE BODY.

LIKE, THE... [clicks tongue]

- THE TEENY-TINY WAIST, BOOBS...

- AND THE BUTT.
- BOOTY.

SHE'S GOT THAT, LIKE,
JESSICA RABBIT FIGURE.

- WHAT'D YOU THINK
OF THE OTHER NIGHT?

I LIKE THAT ENGLISH GIRL.

CARLTON.
- YEAH, SHE WAS QUITE NICE.

- MM-HMM.
- CARLTON HAD A GOOD SENSE

OF HUMOR. - CARLTON... YEAH.

SHE'S GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR.
- MM-HMM.

- BUT SHE'S ALSO KIND OF
VERY DIRECT, I THINK.

HOW ARE YOU WITH KYLE?

- I MEAN I'M NOT
IN A BETTER PLACE

WITH THE WOMAN
THAT CALLED ME A LIAR.

I JUST FEEL LIKE HER AND I
HAVE TO HAVE A HEART-TO-HEART

AND TALK ABOUT IT.

AND I REALLY WANT
TO UNDERSTAND...

- THE PROBLEM IS, IS THAT
SHE'S KIND OF STABBED

EVERYONE IN THE BACK,
SO YOU DON'T...

ONCE THAT HAPPENS,
IT ISN'T THE SAME.

- BUT, YOU KNOW, SHE REALLY
DOESN'T HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS

OR, YOU KNOW,
SOMEBODY NEXT TO HER.

- LISTEN, SHE HAS BEEN
A GOOD FRIEND TO...

WELL MAYBE NOT ADRIENNE.
I THINK THAT WAS A LITTLE...

KIND OF SUPERFICIAL. - [laughs]

- SUDDENLY, SHE WAS KIND OF
COZYING UP TO ADRIENNE,

DEFENDING HER,
AND I KNOW A LOT OF IT

WAS BASED AROUND
THIS WHOLE BUSINESS DECISION

BECAUSE THEY WANTED
A LISTING ON ADRIENNE'S HOUSE.

- THAT IS NOT WHO I AM,

AND THAT
IS ATTACKING MY CHARACTER.

- I DO FEEL A BIT SORRY FOR KYLE
RIGHT NOW, ACTUALLY,

BECAUSE SHE'S LOST THIS KIND OF
MAJOR SUPPORT GROUP

SHE HAD WITH TAYLOR
AND ADRIENNE AND FAYE "RANCID."

THIS IS TOO BITCHY.
I SHOULDN'T SAY IT.

I'M AWFULLY GLAD I DID.

-
WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS
INTIMIDATING FOR HER

THAT NOW TAYLOR, YOU KNOW,
HAS MOVED TO COLORADO.

AND REALLY THE ONLY PERSON SHE...
- ADRIENNE'S HOUSE HAS SOLD.

- [laughs]

- YOU'VE JUST GOT TO PUT
YOUR HOUSE ON THE MARKET,

AND YOU'RE
GONNA BOND REALLY QUICK.

[laughter] - I KNOW.

- JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT...
- I ONLY USE MALIBU BROKERS.

- [laughs]

- OH, GOD.

- [laughs]

OH, MY GOSH, I'M TELLING YOU.

I'M NOT MARTHA STEWART.

- WAIT TILL YOU
COME TO MY HOUSE.

- KYLE, SO YOU DON'T
NEED TO BE SERVING.

JUST PUT IT HERE AND WE...
- OKAY.

YOU WANT TO SERVE YOURSELVES?
OKAY.

- YES.
- THAT'S FINE.

OKAY.
WELL, BON APPETIT, EVERYBODY.

- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.

- SHARON, I THINK
I WAS TELLING YOU...

SO HER MOM AND LISA'S MOM

WERE BEST FRIENDS
SINCE KINDERGARTEN.

- OH, WOW.
- SO THEY WERE PREGNANT

TOGETHER, SO SHE GREW UP, LIKE,

WITH MY HUSBAND,
LIKE A BROTHER AND SISTER.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.
- YEAH, SO...

- SO YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW
HIM FOREVER?

SO YOU'RE FRIENDS FOREVER?

- SHARON WAS A GIFT
WITH PURCHASE

WHEN I MARRIED MAURICIO.

- OH.
- SO, UM, HOW'D YOU MEET DAVID?

- I WENT TO A CLUB ONE NIGHT
WITH ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND OF MINE,

AND, UH, HE WAS STANDING
ON THE DANCE FLOOR DANCING,

AND TWO GIRLS CUT IN BETWEEN US.

AND I'M, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT,

"MOVE, SERIOUSLY,
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

SO THE ONE GIRL TURNED
AND PUNCHED MY GIRLFRIEND.

WE GOT INTO A BIG FIGHT,

AND THEN
THE BOUNCERS SPLIT US UP

AND THEN DAVID, HE CAME
DOWNSTAIRS AND HE'S, LIKE,

"OH MY GOD, THAT WAS SO FUN."

- THAT'S WHAT TURNED HIM ON,

WHEN HE SAW YOU
BEATING SOMEONE UP?

- WELL, HE PICTURED HIMSELF
IN THE BEDROOM, SO, YES.

- HE'S, LIKE, "OH, SHE'S GONNA
BEAT ME. I LIKE IT."

- YEAH, HE'S LIKE, "I LIKE THAT
FEISTY WOMAN OVER THERE."

JOYCE, HOW DID YOU
MEET YOUR HUSBAND?

- IT WAS ACTUALLY
MY FIRST BLIND DATE EVER.

ON THE PHONE HE SOUNDS
LIKE HE'S 80 YEARS OLD,

SHORT, BALD AND FAT.

AND HE CALLS ME AND HE SAYS,

"OKAY, SO I'LL PICK YOU UP
AT 8:00."

- AND YOU'RE, LIKE, "GRANDPA,

SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN BED?"
[laughter]

- SO I TOLD HIM, "PERHAPS
WE SHOULD DO A COFFEE,"

AND HE'S, LIKE,
"COFFEE'S BULL[bleep].

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 8:00."

AND I SAID
WOW, MY OLDIE HAS BALLS.

LET ME GO REALLY UGLY
AND HE'LL BE, LIKE,

OKAY, I'VE BEEN PURSUING THIS
FOR THREE MONTHS?

- YOU COULD NOT BE UGLY.
- I WAS.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR PUT
YOUR HAIR UP, NO MAKEUP...

- I KNOW WHEN WE FEEL UGLY,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T...

- WHEN YOU FEEL UGLY... BIG JEANS,
WIFE BEATER...

AND WHEN I SEE HIM
I GO, "OH, [bleep].

"I LOOK LIKE [bleep],
AND I REALLY...

THIS IS THE MAN OF MY DREAMS."

SO WE GO TO ASIA DE CUBA
BECAUSE IT'S SO LATIN.

IT'S MY FAVORITE PLACE.

- THIS STORY IS GOING ON
FOR QUITE A WHILE,

AND I'M WONDERING WHEN WE'RE

ACTUALLY GOING TO GET
TO THE END OF IT.

- WHEN WE GET THERE,
I'M THINKING,

"I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM

AND I'M GONNA BEG ANY GIRL
FOR MERCY MAKEUP."

- [laughs]
- MERCY MAKEUP, I LIKE THAT.

- I KNOW, I WAS LIKE,
"IT'S JUST MERCY MAKEUP.

"I LOOK LIKE [bleep],
MY FUTURE HUSBAND'S OUT THERE,

I NEED THE MAKEUP."

- YOU KNEW YOU FELT LIKE THAT,
INSTANTLY?

- INSTANTLY. IT WAS INSTANTLY.

IT WAS IMMEDIATELY.

I FELT, LIKE, "OH MY, GOD.

THIS IS MY SOUL MATE."

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
A LITTLE GIRL

AND YOU ENVISION
YOUR PERFECT MAN?

- NO.
- THAT WAS IT.

- NOT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

[laughter] - OH MY, GOD.

- THAT'S SO FUNNY.

OH MY, GOD, THERE'S A BEE.
I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

JOYCE, WE'RE BOTH
ALLERGIC TO BEES.

- WHERE IS IT?
- SHARON, KILL IT FOR ME

IF YOU LOVE ME.

- [gasp]

NO!

- SORRY, I'M ALLERGIC.

- BUT DON'T KILL IT.
- OH, WELL.

- I'M DISGUSTED.

WE'RE SITTING OUTSIDE

IN THIS BEE'S ENVIRONMENT.

THIS IS [bleep] UP.

WHY WOULD YOU DO
SUCH AN AWFUL THING?

I WOULD HAVE GOT IT
AND PUT IT IN A BUSH.

- NO, I WILL DIE. I WILL DIE.

- I WILL SAVE YOU.

- IF YOU START DYING,
I'M GONNA START LAUGHING

AND IT'S GONNA BE
SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

- [snorting laugh]

I'M A BEE MURDER ACCOMPLICE.

[laughing]

[snorts]

- WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS?
[laughs]

- COMING UP...

[Kingsley growls] - HEY. OFF!

- KINGSLEY, KINGSLEY, KINGSLEY!
- OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!

- SHARON, YOU HAVE
TO TELL THE STORY ABOUT

OUR FIRST SINGLE NIGHT OUT
AFTER I GAVE BIRTH.

- SO WE'RE, LIKE, TALKING TO
THESE TWO GUYS, SUDDENLY...

[laughs]

- THE GUY'S FACE GOES LIKE THIS.

- AND I TURNED AROUND AND KYLE'S
WEARING A SATIN SHIRT,

TURQUOISE, EXACTLY LIKE MINE,
BUT BUTTONED DOWN.

AND THE MILK STARTED COMING...
- NO!

[laughter] OH, MY GOD.

- MY BOOBS START LEAKING.

- [snorts]
- AND I'M, LIKE, LOOKING AT HIM

AND I'M GOING...

WHO DOES THAT? - ME.

ALL OF US. WE'RE THE SNORTERS.

I'M ALWAYS, LIKE... [snorts]

- SO DOES SHE AND SO DO YOU.

- OH MY, GOD.

- MY BOOBS ARE LEAKING
THROUGH THE BLOUSE,

THIS ONE IS CRYING,
DOUBLED OVER AND...

- I'M LAUGHING SO HARD,
I CAN'T EVEN TAKE IT.

- DID I JUST MISS SOMETHING?

- [laughs, snorts]

- EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR STUFF
AND THEIR DIRECTIONS NOW

AND IT JUST FEELS SO NEAT,
YOU KNOW?

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

IT'S A LITTLE IN TRANSITION.

- I'M NOT IN... I DON'T THINK...

I DON'T REALLY THINK ANY OF US

ARE IN TRANSITION ANYMORE.

I THINK THE TRANSITION
PERIOD'S OVER.

[doorbell rings]
CHAD'S DECIDED... HOLD ON.

UM, I THINK THAT CHAD'S
PRETTY MUCH FIGURED OUT

HE WANTS TO TRAVEL A BIT,

AND YOUR GRADUATION'S
JUST A FEW WEEKS AWAY.

SO YOU'RE GOING OFF TO COLLEGE,
AND I THINK THAT IT'S MY TURN

TO FIGURE OUT WHERE I WANT
TO BE AT THIS POINT.

IT'S MY TURN TO FIND
A PERSON THAT I...

[doorbell rings] HOLD ON.

FIND THE PERSON
THAT ISN'T IN MY LIFE,

THAT I HAD TO PUT ON HOLD
AND MAYBE START

DOING THE THINGS
I PUT ASIDE FOR AWHILE.

LISTEN, THE DOG TRAINER'S HERE.

SO I'LL CALL YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES

AND THEN, UM,
ARE YOU COMING HOME TONIGHT?

HOLD ON, DAVID,
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE

THAT KINGSLEY'S READY FOR YOU.
- NOT A PROBLEM.

- ARE YOU COMING HOME TONIGHT?

- I DON'T KNOW. CALL...

- I'LL CALL YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES.

I LOVE YOU. - OKAY. GOOD LUCK.

- LOVE YOU, HONEY. THANKS.

LOVE YOU... YEAH,
I'M GONNA NEED IT, RIGHT?

[murmuring] OH, PLEASE DON'T.

HI, HOW ARE YOU? - HI. GOOD.

- I DIDN'T PUT KINGSLEY
OUT... KINGSLEY, BACK.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN. - COME IN.

- KINGSLEY, BACK UP.
- THERE YOU GO.

- THAT'S OKAY, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YOU DIDN'T GET HIM

ON A LEASH IN TIME, HUH?
- I DIDN'T.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
- I DIDN'T.

KINGSLEY, SIT.
- WE'LL GET A HOLD OF HIM.

- MY DOG, HE'S EATEN THOUSANDS
OF DOLLARS OF SHOES,

SUNGLASSES AND PERSONAL ITEMS,

AND I JUST THINK
WE NEED A TRAINER.

[Kingsley growls] - HEY, OFF.

- HEY. KINGSLEY,
KINGSLEY, KINGSLEY!

- OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!
- KINGSLEY! KINGSLEY!

- OFF. OFF. OFF.

YOU HAVE TO GRAB HIM.
- OKAY. SIT DOWN.

I USUALLY... - OFF. BUMP HIM.

BUMP HIM WITH YOUR KNEE.

- SIT DOWN.
- OFF.

- HE'S, LIKE, SHAKING.

WHY HE IS SHAKING
WHEN YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE?

- WELL, BECAUSE HE CAME AFTER ME

AND HE'S NEVER HAD
ONE PUNK HIM BACK.

- OKAY. OKAY.
- SO THAT'S WHY.

YOU NEED TO GET USED TO NOT
TREATING HIM LIKE

HE'S MADE OF LEGOS
AND HE'S GONNA FALL APART.

- RIGHT.
- OKAY?

- IT KIND OF SCARED ME
A LITTLE BIT.

- NO, I KNOW, I KNOW.

I'M USED TO IT, BUT YOU'RE NOT

AND, YOU KNOW... - RIGHT.

- SO YOU HAVE TO
WALK INTO THE DOG

LIKE HE'S A DOG,
AND A PIT BULL DOG.

OKAY? - MM-HMM.

- SO WALK INTO HIM
AND JUST TAKE HIS SPACE.

THIS IS DOG LANGUAGE.

WHEN YOU TAKE SPACE OF A DOG

YOU'RE TELLING HIM,
"I OWN THIS TERRITORY,

AND WHO COMES THROUGH THAT DOOR
IS MY INTRODUCTION, NOT YOURS."

- IF I HAVE TO BUMP THE DOG AND
KIND OF THUNK HIM TO THE LEFT,

AFTER THAT, I'LL THUNK YOU.

I'LL THUNK THE [bleep]
OUT OF YOU.

CHAD, YOU READY FOR ACTION?

- YEAH.
- YOU READY FOR ACTION?

- HE'S A MAMA'S BOY
AND WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THAT.

[both laugh]

- HI.
- ALL RIGHT.

- I'M CHAD.
- ALL RIGHT, CHAD.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- WHY IS HE DOING THIS?
HE'S, LIKE...

- THE DOG'S BODY LANGUAGE, NOW,

OBVIOUSLY IS SHOWING
HE DOESN'T SEE ME AS A THREAT.

BECAUSE THE DOG'S SAYING,
"I HAVE ATTENTION WITH MOMMY,"

AND THAT'S ALL IT WANTED.

I'VE SEEN DOGS
GET VERY AGGRESSIVE

OVER THIS ISSUE OF MY MOMMY.
- YEP.

- ALL RIGHT, SO LET'S
TAKE YOU GUYS OUT FRONT,

AND I WANT YOU TO WATCH
WHAT I DO WITH MY DOG.

SO LET'S GO DO IT.

- I KNOW PIT BULLS
HAVE A REPUTATION.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON

THAT HAS A DOG
THAT BITES AND HURTS SOMEBODY.

I WANT TO GIVE PIT BULLS
A GOOD NAME.

- CHAD... OH, MY GOD,
LOOK AT THAT PIT BULL, CHAD.

[gasp]

- OOH.
- SO WHAT?

- DOJO.

[Kingsley growls] - OFF.

NO.

SIT KING.

SIT. SIT.

- SIT!
- SIT.

- KINGSLEY, SIT.

- SIT.
- SIT...

[both laugh]

- SIT DOWN, KINGSLEY.

WHY ISN'T HE LISTENING? - SIT.

- YOU JUST GOTTA GRAB HIM HARD
AND BE FIRM WITH HIM.

- I DON'T LIKE BEING
ON THIS HILL, CHAD.

CAN WE JUST GO DOWN FLAT?

- THAT'S OKAY, COME TO FLAT.

YOU GAVE THIS DOG TOO MUCH
FREEDOM AND HE'S A BRAT NOW.

THIS IS THE CHAPTER
OF YOUR LIVES

WHERE YOU HAVE TO
GAIN CONTROL OF IT.

WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS
100% CONTROL, WASN'T.

- THIS HAS BEEN A TRANSITION
TIME FOR ME, IN MY SOBRIETY,

AND THIS DOG
HAS JUST BEEN THERE FOR ME.

- YOU HAVE A LOT TO ABSORB.

- WILL YOU HOLD THIS REAL QUICK?

- YOU'RE GOING TO...
- HOLD ON.

- YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO...

- YOU'RE GONNA LEARN TO...
- KINGSLEY.

- MENTALLY ACCEPT THE DOG.

- PEOPLE COME AND GO, BUT
MY DOG IS, LIKE, ALWAYS THERE.

SIT. SIT!

SIT! SIT!

- GRAB HIS NECK.

KIM, GRAB HIS NECK.

- KINGSLEY, SIT.
- THERE YOU GO.

- THE NECK SEEMS
TO WORK A LITTLE MORE.

- THE NECK WORKS EVERY TIME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING

THE LEASH AND PULLING HIM.

- THIS IS A LOT OF WORK.

I DID NOT... I'M EXHAUSTED.

AND I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE

THAT REHABILITATING A DOG
WOULD BE SO DIFFICULT.

I MEAN... I KNOW I JUST
WENT THROUGH IT LAST YEAR.

I WAS IN A DIFFICULT,
VERY DARK TIME,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE
EVER BEEN WHO I AM TODAY.

I'M SORRY. [sniffles]

I MEAN, I KNOW I'M BACK.

I'M SORRY,
THIS IS ABOUT THE DOG.

- WELL, YOU CAN
RELATE TO IT NOW.

IF YOU WENT
THROUGH IT YOURSELF...

- OH, NO, NO, I CAN RELATE.
- YOU CAN RELATE TO IT.

- I JUST, NOW, LIKE,
HE CAN RELATE TO ME.

- RIGHT.
- [laughs]

- DAWN,
I'LL CALL YOU BACK, OKAY?

- HEY.
- HI, BABY.

1/2 AN HOUR. - [sighs]

OKAY, I'M LOOKING
FOR IDEAS FOR THE NEW BAR.

I WANT TO CALL IT "PUMP."

- "PUMP" IS GREAT.

I LIKE THAT. - LOVE IT, RIGHT?

I THINK IT'S SEXY, IT'S FRESH,

IT'S VERY NOW,
AND IT'S A PLAY ON MY NAME.

SO, THERE MIGHT BE A LITTLE
VANDER IN FRONT OF IT,

BUT IT'S GONNA BE "PUMP."

I CAN'T RUN AROUND,
SO I'M LOOKING ONLINE.

I WANT TO CREATE A GARDEN,
A GAY GARDEN,

AND PUT A BAR
IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

SO I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
IT'S GONNA BE A UNIQUE PLACE.

THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY,
BUT I'M SO CRAZY BUSY,

I FEEL LIKE IT'S
DIFFICULT TO CATCH UP, YOU KNOW?

WITH THE DANCING
AND THEN VILLA BLANCA

AND ALL OF THE OTHER
MULTITUDE OF PROBLEMS HERE.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'M EXPERIENCED.

I'M THERE FOR YOU.

- CAN YOU DANCE FOR ME?

- WELL, THAT'S ONE THING
I CAN'T...

- CAN YOU DANCE WITH GLEB?
- [laughs]

- I THINK I'M GONNA BE KICKED
OFF THERE PRETTY SOON

THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING.
- RIGHT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, RIGHT?

- UM, THAT'S JUST, UM,
YOU KNOW, THEY'VE SAID THAT,

UM, IT'S... YOU KNOW,
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT'S... DANCING'S GOOD FOR YOU.

LOOK... LOOK AT YOUR FIGURE NOW.

IT'S, A, VERY...
- YOU NEVER SEE IT.

- YOU'RE VERY TIGHT.

- I'M ASLEEP
BY THE TIME YOU GET HOME.

[laughs]
- EXACTLY, BUT YOU KNOW...

- SHOULD WE GO UP
AND HAVE A LOOK?

I'VE GOT 20 MINUTES,

THEN I'VE GOT TO
BE DOWN IN HOLLYWOOD.

- IS TAKES 20 MINUTES
TO WALK UP THERE.

- NO, IT DOESN'T.
IT TAKES TWO MINUTES.

COME ON. [groans]

- I'LL SHOW YOU THE...
- EVERY PART OF ME ACHES.

EVEN PARTS OF ME
I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD.

- I'LL SHOW YOU THE TREES
WHEN WE GET UP THERE.

- OKAY.

WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN
REALLY HUGE GAY SUPPORTERS.

I'VE BEEN A SPOKESPERSON
FOR GLAAD FOR THREE YEARS

AND HAD MANY GAY BARS.

AND I FEEL WE'VE LOST
OUR FOOTING, REALLY.

AND SO I'VE BEEN
LOOKING FOR A SPOT

THAT I COULD
HAVE A GREAT GAY BAR AGAIN.

- IT MIGHT NOT NECESSARILY
BE ALL GAY THERE.

- NO, IT'S GONNA BE PRIMARILY
A GAY BAR,

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

WE'RE GONNA
GET PERMISSIONS, KEN.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

- I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD
WORRY ABOUT PERMISSIONS.

THE ONLY THING THEY HAVEN'T
GIVEN US PERMISSION FOR

IS THE BAR IN THE GARDEN,
BUT I THINK WE'VE GOT, UM...

- I SAW YOU CHECKING OUT
THE LINGERIE SHOP.

- HUH.

- I MEAN, THEY'VE GOT TO
GIVE US OUR PERMISSIONS.

THEY WANT TO CLEAN UP
THIS CORNER.

IT'S...
- WITHOUT A DOUBT, OF COURSE.

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT CORNER
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

- I ALWAYS LOOK AT THIS SPACE
AND I SEE WHAT INSPIRES ME,

AND THEN I THINK... "OKAY,
I SEE IT DONE LOOSELY."

AND THEN I KIND OF GO WITH THAT.

PLANS AND THINGS TO ME
ARE A NIGHTMARE.

- THE PROBLEM WE HAVE
IS THAT WE'VE GOT TO

PUT MORE TOILETS IN.

IN THAT CORNER,
THERE, WE'RE GONNA

PUT TWO HANDICAP TOILETS
AND SIX URINALS FOR MEN.

- WE'LL, WE'VE GOT TO PUT
A WOMEN'S TOILET IN,

EVEN IF IT'S A GAY BAR.
- YEAH, BUT IT'S...

YEAH, BUT... WELL, THERE'S
TWO TOILETS INSIDE,

BUT THERE'LL BE TWO IN
THAT CORNER, PLUS THE URINALS.

- OKAY, I DON'T WANT
TO DEAL WITH URINALS.

YOU DEAL WITH URINALS.

I'M GONNA DEAL WITH THIS GARDEN.

I'M SCARED ENOUGH RIGHT NOW.

- HOW MANY BARS
DID WE DO IN LONDON?

AND EVERY TIME WE DID THEM,
YOU WERE SCARED.

AND THEN YOU ADDED
YOUR MAGIC TOUCH

AND THEY WERE ALL SUCCESSFUL.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

- I'M ALWAYS STRESSED
WHEN WE'RE UNDER CONSTRUCTION

AND TRYING TO, KIND OF,
JUGGLE THINGS.

THERE'S JUST SO MANY COMPONENTS

THAT GO INTO
OPENING A VENUE LIKE THIS.

IT'S A BIT OF A NIGHTMARE.

- YOU HAVEN'T LOST YOUR TOUCH.

YOU'VE DONE SUR
AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA DO PUMP.

I JUST WANT YOU TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO

WITH THE URINALS.

- HELLO, IT'S ME.

- HELLO?

- HI.
- HI.

CAN I HAVE A KISS?
- SHOW AUNT KIM YOUR TOOTH.

- LET ME SEE THE CHOPS. [gasps]

- AND THE TOOTH FAIRY CAME.

- DID SHE LEAVE FAIRY DUST?
- MM-HMM.

- [gasp] FAIRY DUST?

I LOVE THE FAIRY DUST.

- IT WAS REALLY
BEAUTIFUL FAIRY DUST.

YOU WANT TO GO IN THE MEDIA ROOM
AND WATCH LISA

ON DANCING WITH THE STARS?

- OKAY.
- LET'S GO.

I TAPED IT SO WE CAN WATCH.
- OKAY.

- IT'S MORE FUN WHEN IT'S
SOMEONE THAT YOU KNOW, RIGHT?

- I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL FIND OUT, RIGHT?

[dog barks]
- CHLOE, YOU WANT TO WATCH TOO?

COME ON CHLO-CHLO.

- WELL, I'M GONNA
GET SOME CANDY.

- COME ON. COME ON CHLOE.

WILL YOU BRING ME CANDY TOO?
- OF COURSE.

- COME ON, CHLOE.

- WILL YOU GET ME SOME OF THOSE

SWEET TART THINGIES?
- I GOT 'EM.

- WE NEED POPCORN.

THERE'S A POPCORN MAKER
RIGHT THERE.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THAT.

- I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE IT EITHER.

I'VE HAD THAT MACHINE...
IT JUST SITS THERE EMPTY.

IT'S SHOW TIME.

- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK.

LAST UP, THE WOMAN WHO,
THIS WEEK,

PUSHED HERSELF TO THE LIMIT
AND PERHAPS BEYOND

AS SHE TRAINED
TO CELEBRATE A HAPPY MILESTONE,

LISA HAS DECIDED TO DANCE,
SO LET'S CHECK OUT...

- SHE LOOKS PRETTY.
- YEAH, SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

- WERE WORKING ON
THEIR DANCE THIS WEEK.

- TWO AND THREE.

RONDE.

CHA-CHA, ONE. ARM UP.

- I DON'T... I DON'T...
- WAIT...

COMING UP...

WAIT A MINUTE.

I HAVE TO SEE THAT AGAIN.

- LOOK, SHE'S HOLDING...
SHE'S HOLDING ON...

SHE'S HOLDING ONTO HIS HAND.
[chuckles]

SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN'T
CUT OUT FOR FAKE FAINTS.

- TWO AND THREE.

RONDE.

CHA-CHA, ONE. ARM UP.

- WHAT...

WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?

- [gasp]
- ARE YOU OKAY?

- I FELL DOWN.

- WHAT DID SHE SAY,
"I FELL DOWN"?

- WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- SHE FAINTED?

WAIT A MINUTE.
I HAVE TO SEE THAT AGAIN.

I WANT TO SEE IT IN SLOW-MO.

- LOOK, SHE'S HOLDING...
SHE'S HOLDING ON...

SHE'S HOLDING ONTO HIS HAND.
[chuckles]

WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T THINK SHE
WANTED TO DO IT ANYMORE.

I'VE FAINTED ON CAMERA BEFORE,
AND I'VE FAINTED FOR REAL,

AND... SOME PEOPLE JUST
AREN'T CUT OUT FOR FAKE FAINTS.

WHEN SHE WAKES UP...

I MEAN, SHE WAKES UP... DON'T
PEOPLE WHEN THEY WAKE UP,

DON'T THEY WAKE UP,
LIKE, STARTLED?

BUT INSTEAD SHE WOKE UP, LIKE,
AND SHE WAS LOOKING AT HIM,

AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE,
TO THE CAMERAS.

- LISA WANTED OUT FROM
DANCING WITH THE STARS.

SHE WANTED OUT.
I DON'T BLAME HER.

I'D BE TIRED TOO WHEN I GO HOME.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST THE WAY
SHE KIND OF GOES, LIKE,

ONE, TWO, AND THEN IT'S, LIKE...

- OKAY.
- I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA PEE

ON YOUR CARPET.

[laughs] - OKAY. OKAY, NOW...

I'M HOLDING YOU.
- I'LL PEE ON YOUR CARPET.

- I'M... I'M... I'M... I'M GLEB.

- OKAY, YOU BE GLEB.
- I'M GLEB WHATEVER.

- BUT SHE... NO, BUT SHE... OKAY,
LET ME SEE THE FACE.

SO SHE'S SCARED.

SHE WANTS TO GO HOME.

I WANT TO GO HOME, GLEB.
- SHE'S THINKING THIS.

- AND I DON'T WANNA TELL YOU.
I WANT TO GO HOME,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU.

- OF COURSE I'M GONNA
HAVE TO TEASE LISA

LIKE SHE WOULD TEASE ME IF
THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT.

- I'M GETTING
SO TIRED, LIKE, OH.

- [laughs]

- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS.

- LET'S TALK ABOUT LISA
ON DANCING WITH THE STARS.

- SHE FAINTED.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE

FAINT SO PRETTY AND PERFECT.

- OH...

[laughs]

- THERE ARE FEW CYNICS THAT
SUGGESTED THAT IT WAS FAKE.

- YOU JUST HOPE
YOUR FRIENDS SUPPORT YOU.

BUT THE REST OF THE WORLD
CAN BUGGER OFF.

- BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

IT'S VERY GOTH.

IT'S VERY ROCK 'N ROLL.
I LOVE IT.

WHAT IS THIS?
LIKE, A CRYSTAL BALL?

- WE'RE AT HARRY POTTER'S HOUSE.

[laughter]

- I FEEL LIKE
WE'RE IN A MOVIE SET,

LIKE THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK,

AND I'M THE BLONDE ONE,
MICHELLE.

KYLE, THERE IS THAT STORY

ABOUT MAURICIO CHEATING
AND WHATNOT.

I'M JUST WONDERING HOW THAT
WENT DOWN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?

- A LOT OF TIMES,
THINGS... STORIES COME OUT...

- YOUR SAYING THERE'S
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE?

- EXACTLY.

- [bleep] ALL OF YOU.