The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - The Curse of Carlton - full transcript

NARRATOR: Previously
on "The Real

Housewives of Beverly Hills."

[CHEERING]

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
This is what we want, baby.

Yeah.

CARLTON GEBBIA: We have
our pool party every year.

And we want people
to have a great time.

[PUNCH]

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
I don't want to be

like one of the whiny brats.

But my hand is killing me.



LISA VANDERPUMP: If
your hand is broken,

you need to have it fixed.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: I'm fine.

LISA VANDERPUMP: You
always say you're fine.

And sometimes you're not.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Lisa likes to
point out my weaknesses a lot

to remind me that
she's stronger than me.

You can't justify
putting labels on people,

not even knowing her.

She's in no position
to call me Jacqueline.

She's in no position
to call me [INAUDIBLE]..

She's in no position to say...

CARLTON GEBBIA:
Blah, blah, blah.

And this is what I'm hearing.
Blah, blah, blah.



I'm watching the mouth.

And I'm like [BLEEP] stop.

You said stuff to me that
didn't sit well with me.

You asked me, am I a witch?

Midsentence, you
turned and walked away.

And you said something
about Lisa's nipple.

KYLE RICHARDS: I've
offended you once.

I offended you twice.

I can guarantee I'm probably
going to offend you again.

[THEME MUSIC]

I'm from this town.

I know what's real
and what's fake.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Don't
tell me you're my friend.

Act like one.

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
In Beverly Hills,

the higher you climb,
the farther you fall.

KIM RICHARDS: Everybody
loves a comeback

story, especially starring me.

CARLTON GEBBIA: In my
world, money doesn't talk.

It swears.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
You could never be too

young, too thin, or too honest.

LISA VANDERPUMP: Life
is a sexy little dance.

And I like to take the lead.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CARLTON GEBBIA: You
want to help you?

- Sure.
- Let's do it.

You guys going to do
all the heavy lifting?

Because we know Daddy
doesn't do manual labour.

I'll move the chairs.

CARLTON GEBBIA: My behaviour
could be considered

by other people questionable.

But I want to have fun.

Life is too bloody short.

That's why I can't stand
going to a boring ass party.

Let's do, what part
are you going to do?

Mommy, I forgot.

Why can't we stay at the party?

Baby, it's such an adult party.

OK.

CARLTON GEBBIA: People
are going to be drinking.

OK.

And dancing.

And probably embarrass you.

My behaviour may
be embarrassing.

OK.

CARLTON GEBBIA: We have
our annual pool parties.

They're not the norm
Beverly Hills parties.

I mean, this could be
considered "Eyes Wide Shut."

We need to speed this up.

Oh, by the way, girls,
when Daddy comes down,

you have to get...

(HELIUM VOICE) Hi, Mum.

CARLTON GEBBIA:
[SCREAM] So creepy.

Girls, I'm going to take
you to Grandma's house.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Really? - Yeah.

MYSTERI: Bye, Mum.
I love you so much.

CARLTON GEBBIA: OK.

Stop doing that.

God knows what's
going to go down.

It's going to be positive.

But visually, for a child?

Scarring.

Hi.

Yay.

Hustler.

KATHERINE: How are you?

CARLTON GEBBIA: Sexy.

Good to see you.

I think the girls coming
today probably will

see a different side to me.

We are going to have
three girls here giving

shots when people walk in.

I think I've been fairly well
behaved up to this point.

Looking sexy.

Is this going to
look like a harem?

It's where we bury bodies
if they don't behave.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, [BLEEP] hell.

Maybe you can help?

No.

I'm not talking to you.

You know me better than that.

[GASP].

Hey.

Hi.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Oh my God.

Look at the Callavera girls.

CARLTON GEBBIA: I want to be
surrounded by beautiful women.

Be proud of your
God given physique.

Will you paint me later?

Sure.

CARLTON GEBBIA:
Does it come off?

With tequila?

[LAUGHTER]

Absolutely.

Just shower me, baby.

DAVID GEBBIA: Hi, babe.

Hi.

Wow.

That looks awesome.
I like what you're wearing.

- I bet.
- Yeah.

How much do you like it?

I'll show you later.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi.

Here's your pen.

Hi.

How are you?

Hi.

Hi, I'm RC.
I'm your assistant here.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

This is my assistant, Paisley.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

OK.

So we already have some
people that are already paid.

And they're ready
to get going on it.

Hi, everybody.

The Hollywood Collector's Show
is an opportunity for fans

to come and meet their
favourite celebrities, interact,

sign autographs, and whatnot.

A pleasure.

So nice.

OK, bye.

MAN'S VOICE: Just
hold the button down.

Hold the button down.

[LAUGHTER]

KIM RICHARDS: Before I did a
Hollywood Collector's Show,

I think there was a fear
that maybe I hadn't seen

any of my fans for a long time.

I wondered, like, who
would come for me.

Act like we're at
the movies together.

But I had a pretty long line.

And of course, that makes me
feel super great and terrific.

Now let's act like
we're just strolling.

Kyle's never done one
of these shows with me.

My fans are different.

Because I have fans
from my whole career

anywhere from "Nanny
and the Professor."

I have "Nanny" fans.

And I have alien witch fans.

And I have "Hello, Larry" fans.

And it's a wonderful
fun day for me.

For them.

For us.

I'm such a huge fan of yours.

And I never miss an
episode of "Hello, Larry."

You were my dream growing up.

I love this.

Keep telling me.

She's kind of heavy.

KIM RICHARDS: I'm not
worried about the heaviness.

You're just so cute.

By the way, look.

I'll be right back.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh my gosh.

Jimmy.

Jimmy McNichol.

Hi.

You look radiant.

How are you?

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

Wow.

How are you doing?

What's going on, huh?

KIM RICHARDS: Jimmy
McNichol was a teen idol.

He was on every cover
of every magazine.

He's like the Jonas
Brothers, kind of.

You know?

Like that.

Jimmy McNichol.

Leif Garrett.

They were, like...

How come we never dated?

I'm just curious.

How could you, how
come we never dated?

I'm just curious.

I was always trying
to figure that.

I know.

Right?

There was this day at school
that he did walk by me.

And he, like, grabbed my butt.

Like, grabbed my ass.

Like, he went like, roar.

Roar.

So I went home.

And I wrote in my journal.

Jimmy walked by and
went, Roar, like a lion.

Private.

Right?

Not with my little sister.

Oh wow.

You look so good.

JIMMY MCNICHOL: So
good seeing you.

Yeah.

30 years, I've been hearing...

Every once in a while, we'll
be sitting at a dinner.

And I'll hear, [LAUGH] and
Jimmy went, Roar like a lion.

For sure, I want
to get your number.

You haven't changed at all.

I haven't?

You look the same.

You look gorgeous.

Oh I'm so glad to see you.

You, too.

KIM RICHARDS: I
don't know why she

thinks it's so funny to continue
to tease me with this story.

I so had a crush on this guy.

So did I.

Right?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You look [BLEEP] awesome.

- Oh, hey.
- Baybay.

I know I do.

Come here.

[SHOUT].

[LAUGHTER]

CARLTON GEBBIA: [GASP].

You look amazing.

JENNIFER: Oh my God.

That's... Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I had no idea.

So amazing.

Are those real?

Are you real?

Oh, sexy mama.

CARLTON GEBBIA: My God.

Look at you.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: I
brought the girls.

You look awesome.

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
Knowing Carlton,

she's kind of like no bull
[BLEEP], , balls to the wall.

It's not a hoidy doidy
toity, whatever party.

Oh my goodness, me.

Welcome.

Some tequila?

No.

Thank you.

Only for him. No.

OK.

Stop.

Now you got to... you don't want
to, you've never had tequila.

Keep moving.

What's wrong with you?

Interesting.

I actually feel quite
conservatively dressed

in my kind of long sun dress.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Hi.

Hey.

Look at you.

Everybody else has got
lots of bits hanging out.

What did you put those
naked women at the door

for, for God's sake?

CARLTON GEBBIA: Uh oh.

Now the dress is
only such a bore.

Why not?

I have a pole outside for you.

Yeah, OK.

[LAUGHTER]

I'll need a couple of
drinks before I do that.

I am not sliding
up and down a pole.

Any pole for that matter.

I brought my Americana
just for you, girl.

I know.

I love it.

LISA VANDERPUMP: You're going
to end up with a deformed hand.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: I'm going
to the doctor on Monday.

LISA VANDERPUMP: No.

We can't wait until Monday.

I'm a big girl.

I'm fine.

I don't think you are.

That's part of the problem.

LISA VANDERPUMP: It's
bruised from there to there.

No. It was bruised here.

The blood is now going down.

Broken blood vessels.

I talked to my Mum.

She used to be a nurse.
I got it.

I know.

Let's get, let's get Fatburger
before I kill myself.

No.

I didn't go to the doctor.

I'm going to go to the doctor.

But let it be.

We're at a party.

It's just, it's
just frustrating.

I said, you've got to
go to the doctor now.

And she's just like
always, stop nagging me.

Stop nagging me.

I'm not nagging you.

You love her.

I do.

But I mean, you know, clearly
this is three days later.

No, you [INAUDIBLE].

I know.
But what are we going to do?

I texted her the other day.

Go to the doctor.

If she doesn't want to listen,
she doesn't want to listen.

There is nothing we can do.

- It's true.
- Yeah.

There is.

Take her.

She minimalizes everything.

Well, she's had that
thing on for a while.

Yeah.

But then look at her.

Whatever.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Brandi
doesn't like to be

told what to do by anybody.

And I think that Lisa
overdoes it sometimes.

And I think it's bothering her.

So she's revolting, like
a child against her mommy.

It's just exhausting.

I have a mother.

She's in Sacramento.

I already talked to her.

I think that Lisa wants
other people to hear her

mothering me or telling
me to do the right thing,

or go do something.

I don't understand her
motives exactly, except

to make me feel like [BLEEP].
- I know.

I know.

And you're showing them
that you do have a mother.

Yes.

A mother [BLEEP].

Ooh, let's go eat Fatburger.

NARRATOR: Coming up.

KYLE RICHARDS: Is
that a Jewish star?

Really?

Wait a minute.

Are you [BLEEP] kidding me?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

YOLANDA FOSTER: Wow.

It's beautiful.

Carlton.

Sexy Hexy.

CARLTON GEBBIA: They're
not getting naked yet.

YOLANDA FOSTER: You need...

Well, they have, they
have the booties, baby.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: She doesn't.
That one does.

The other one.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Yeah.

Ooh, I just saw a vagina.

Can you twerk for us?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Ugh.

[GASPS]

YOLANDA FOSTER: Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Very pretty, right?

Yeah.

Very.

Beautiful.

Hi, babe.

Thanks for having us.

Thank you.

- Carlton, how are you?
- Good.

How are you?

Good to see you.

CARLTON GEBBIA: I invited Joyce.

God bless her.

But she can be bloody dramatic.

Ready, my love?

Yep.

Hey.

How are you?

Hello.

Shots?

Uh, of what?

- Why not?
- Tequila.

- Tequila?
- Oh my gosh.

I think I'll wait.

To each his own.

Is it my style?

No.

But if she enjoys it, why not?

I won't be asking her to help
with the bat mitzvah, though.

Good to see you.

Oh wow.

Look at you.

How are you?

Good.

Good to see you.

I love that.

Cute colour.

Right.

Isn't cute?

YOLANDA FOSTER: I love that.

KYLE RICHARDS: It's the
only like blue [INAUDIBLE]..

YOLANDA FOSTER: I think it
looks better with my dress

than with yours.
KYLE RICHARDS: It does.

YOLANDA FOSTER:
I'm sorry to say.

[LAUGHTER]

KYLE RICHARDS: You can
borrow it any time, any time.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[CHEERING]

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
This girl works it.

Wow. Wow.

Oh, she's actually cute.

It doesn't look like the
typical Beverly Hills party.

It's more like a Playboy
Mansion type of thing

with the naked girls.

But I think it's cool.

If she likes it,
I think it's fun.

And it's cool. It's beautiful.

I love the outdoors. Right?

MICHAEL: It's beautiful.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: It's so pretty.

MAURICIO: Yeah. It's great.

I was telling Michael...
- These cabanas are fantastic.

They are here for the party.
They weren't here...

I was telling Michael what
would have been amazing is

to build a huge infinity.

MICHAEL: Yeah. He's so right.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: Yeah.

- Everything good with you?
- Yeah.

Everything good.

I was working the
other day till so late.

Let's go in there.
You want to go?

Come.

I'll wait out here for you?

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: Yeah.

You can come.

It's divided.

What?

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: It's divided.

You can come.

Somebody did a poopy.

KYLE RICHARDS: Ugh.

Oh my God.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Yesterday,
I was driving on Sunset.

And all of a sudden, I see
the billboard with her on it.

And I looked at it.

I just started bawling.

I started crying.

Alberto, my driver, is
going like, are you OK?

I'm going, no.

I miss my Gigi.

But you know, like, I'm
trying to be really cool.

Gigi is leaving the
end of the summer

to go to college in New York.

So I'm really starting to take
inventory of the friendships

in my life, of who's there.

But who is really, really there.

LISA VANDERPUMP: Yeah.

But you know, it's like
all of sudden it hit me.

I remember when I sent Pandora
to university on ahead of us

because we were living
in France, it was hard.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Yeah. It's hard.

LISA VANDERPUMP: Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hustler?

The bags say Hustler.

Really?

I've got to get one of those.

What's that?

What's in the Hustler bags?

I don't want to know.

Nothing that chips your teeth.

- I don't want to know.
- No.

Nothing. No.

Nothing that chips your teeth.

Anything that needs a battery?

No.

It's, like...

You plug it into
the mains, darling.

No. It's candles that you light.

It's a three way
candle, so to speak.

Three way?

A three way candle.

KYLE RICHARDS: Interesting.

So you light it.

And you can use it
as a massage oil.

Or you can just strip down
it down Ken's stomach.

And then let it dry
and peel it off.

Oh you can do that then.

[LAUGHTER]

Let's be clear here.

After 30 years, nothing's
dripping down his stomach.

That's disgusting.

KYLE RICHARDS: Where
is your new tattoo?

Oh.

Right here.

LISA VANDERPUMP: A new tattoo?

Oh wow.

What do you think?

DAVID: Looks good.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Yeah?
DAVID: Yeah.

It does.

It's big.

Yeah. - Wow.

Wait.

Can I just peek at that?

Yeah.

Is that a Jewish star?

Really?

Wait a minute.

Are you [BLEEP] kidding me?

I think Kyle honestly is very
calculated in what she says.

I know the symbol of
the Star of David.

I know what that looks like.

You cannot mistake the two.

You can't.

I thought it was a Jewish star.

Are you Jewish?

I'm Jewish.

Then you should know.

Well, I couldn't tell
with that string there.

Well, it's five pointed.

So you know what?

Bad girl.

Your faith should be
disappointed in you.

KYLE RICHARDS: When
you look from here,

it looks like a
Jewish star at first.

It doesn't look
like a Jewish star.

LISA VANDERPUMP: It
says made in England

on the back of your neck.

KYLE RICHARDS: At the
top, I thought it was...

I am made in England, baby.

If anyone should be offended
here, it should be me.

If someone who's Jewish says,
oh, is that a Jewish star?

You don't turn around and say,
are you [BLEEP] kidding me?

Um, hello.

That's offensive.

Doesn't.

Five points.

My gosh.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

FAN: His name is Elias.

He's custom made of silicone.

Handmade.

Custom ordered.

He's a WerePuppy.

It Looks somehow kind of real.

Oh yeah.

Oh, I know.

I get this all
the, all the time.

It's the movement.

Do you want to hold him?

OK.

Oh my God.

FAN: Can you be
careful with him?

I am. FAN: Ready?

One, two, three.

KIM RICHARDS: Very squishy.

We brought something
very special for you.

OK.

We know you're a
huge fan of turtles.

Oh.

This is my great
grandmother's pet.

What?

Oh I don't want to
take that from you.

It's all yours.

We brought it specially for you.

Oh my God.

That's so sweet.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm
so emotional for it.

Because it's so sweet.

Thank you.

I love reaching out to
these people that have

been so forever there with me.

And I feel like we've
grown up together.

And I think they
feel the same way.

It makes me feel great.

He's shaking.

So sweet.

Thank you so much.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

KIM RICHARDS: My fans have
supported me my whole life.

And uh, and a lot over
these last few years.

In my sobriety, the
support that I've gotten

has been tremendous and huge.

And they always say to me,
you know, you don't know what

you've done for me in my life.

And I say, you don't know
what you've done for me.

FAN: Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

FAN: Thank you.

It was really nice meeting you.

FAN: It was nice
meeting you, too.

I love turtles.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CARLTON GEBBIA:
All right, girls.

Get in the pool.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Is it
warm or is it cold?

KYLE RICHARDS: Who cares?

Who cares?

It looks like there's a lot
of cooties in that pool.

[LAUGHTER]

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
Everyone's getting in.

Kyle, you too.

YOLANDA FOSTER: I'm coming.

KYLE RICHARDS: I
think all of you need,

you look like you need
to eat a French fry.

You're all way too skinny.

Let me give you guys
some French fries.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: I think
people are having quickies

in that pool, which
would be fun to me

if it was my own personal pool.

But since it's other
people's DNA in there,

I'm not going to jump in there.

[SCREAMS]

KYLE RICHARDS: Isn't it cute?

LISA VANDERPUMP: I
actually really like that.

That was in your honour.
I was like, oh, that's cute.

I think she'll like that.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]
CARLTON GEBBIA: No.

I do. No.

I love it.

KYLE RICHARDS: You like it?

I do.

LISA VANDERPUMP: Thank you.

Yeah.

I'm taking it off.

Are you kidding?

No.

Keep it.

KYLE RICHARDS: I don't know
where I stand with Carlton.

I think it was my
way of letting her

know I'm not this big bad
wolf that you think I am.

And I'm trying to make an
effort here and be your friend.

It looks great on you.

LISA VANDERPUMP:
I quite like this.

Well, you can't have that.

[LAUGHTER]

Kyle, thanks.

You're welcome.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

It looks pretty on you.
I like it on you.

Yeah.
But it's more than that to me.

So I really appreciate that.

Oh, well, you're welcome.

Very welcome.

Oh my god.

[BLEEP]

Maybe I am wrong.

Maybe this is where
we start fresh.

Bye.

Thank you for including us.

Oh my gosh.

Have fun.

Continue having fun.

There's a lot of
people still here.

I know.

They're, like,
just getting started.

Everybody's just starting.

I really am touched.

And it does mean a lot.

Thank you so much.

Can I get a shot, please?

NARRATOR: Coming up.

YOLANDA FOSTER:
You're cancelling now?

Two minutes before you're
supposed to be here?

I mean, who does that?

LISA VANDERPUMP: (ON
PHONE) Darling, I'm sorry.

YOLANDA FOSTER: I thought
we were closer than that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

In my kitchen, I have a
beautiful wall of eight

by 10 paintings that were
all painted by my children.

It's like a whole family wall.

I want to make something similar
for Gigi to take to New York

so that she'll always
have a memory of home.

Well, you should... you're
almost done with summer school.

Right? - Yeah.

How much longer?

- Like, four days.
- OK.

Try this.

I'm trying to make a
new kind of lemonade.

I just brushed my teeth.

You did?

It's going to taste weird.

OK.

Take one sip to see
if it's sweet enough.

Because I don't know
if it's sweet enough.

Because I haven't had any.

It's perfect.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

It tastes really good.

Do you like the ginger?

Yeah.

So Gigi is at school.

And while she's away,
I invited the girls

to come over and make
some pictures for her

to add to the collection.

You want to help me bring
those bags upstairs?

Good.

Cute butt you have.

BELLA: Please don't
talk about my butt.

YOLANDA FOSTER: What?

BELLA: Please don't
talk about my butt.

YOLANDA FOSTER: This is
good, the best exercise.

BELLA: All right.

I can't.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm done.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Oh my God.

When Gigi is 3,000 miles away on
the other side of the country,

I think she'll look
at that wall and will

take strength out of it.

We've painted so much
in our family life, huh?

All right.

Good.

And it'll make her feel
loved and surrounded

by all the incredible
people in her life.

It's always good.

Do you want me to carry this?

Ow, yeah.

I can give you a piggyback ride.

Just kidding.

Not down the stairs.

I can barely walk
down by myself.

It hurts.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Love you, baby.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KYLE RICHARDS:
You know I thought

there was going to be less
dialogue for this "Days

of Our Lives" thing.

You know, when I was little, I
started acting so young that I

didn't know how to read yet.

So I had to remember everything.

I didn't even know how to read.

That's so insane.

So my Mum had to
teach us how to remember

our lines by playing
this remember,

like remembering game.

It was like a game.

You'd see Kim and me both when
we were a little doing stuff,

when we were like under five.

And you'd see our mouths
moving when other people

were saying their lines.

You'd see us going because
we knew everybody's lines.

That's so cute.

KYLE RICHARDS: Now
it's not so easy.

Acting is a part of who I am.

It's part of my identity.

I don't know how to
ever walk away from it.

So when my manager
called me and asked me

if I wanted to go up
for "Days of Our Lives,"

I thought why not?

When I first got
the script, I was

so excited because you know I've
always wanted to play a cop.

I've never played a cop.

So I got so excited.

They're like, an agent.

Blah, blah, blah.

I find out it's a talent
agent I'm playing.

ALEXIA: Aw, Hollywood.

You're so lucky
that your Mum fed you

and Kim into that like that.

Like, you guys got to have the
most fun childhood like that.

Yeah.

Well, it was my Mum's dream.

My Mum was at the
Academy of Dramatic Arts.

She studied there.

So then when she had
her kids so young,

she kind of put
her dream onto us.

And it's funny because
there was times, you know,

I wanted to go to college.

I wanted to be a lawyer
when I was younger.

Just be a regular...

Well, I was a
really good student.

And I always wanted
to be a lawyer.

But I was an actor.

And I was already making
money on a TV series.

I never found being a
child actor difficult.

I know some children do.

To me, it exposed
me to an entire life

that I never would
have been exposed

to growing up in Beverly Hills.

While all my friends
were going to school,

I was like playing backgammon
on the set with the crew guys.

It's funny that my kids
never wanted to do that.

I'm glad, though. ALEXIA: Act?

Uh huh.

ALEXIA: I did
acting for a while.

KYLE RICHARDS: No.
You barely did.

You did commercials
when you were a baby.

That was it.

But none of you ever,
like, had the acting bug.

My kids could care less
about my acting career.

I'll say hey, guys. Look.

There I am at five years old.

You want to see? No.

We're good.

Thanks.

And I never pushed.

Because I figured I'd rather
them be, like, I don't know.

Doctors.

Or lawyers.

Lawyers.

Doctors.

Yeah.

I'm like the Jewish Mum now.

I want them to be a doctor.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PHONE DING]

YOLANDA FOSTER: When I get
a text from Lisa at 3:28,

I'm kind of shocked.

I'm like, what?

I mean, you're cancelling now?

Two minutes before you're
supposed to be here?

I mean, who does that?

[PHONE RINGING]

LISA VANDERPUMP:
(ON PHONE) Hello?

Hey.

Where are you?

Why didn't you call me?

LISA VANDERPUMP: (ON
PHONE) Well, because I

didn't even know much about it.

You didn't tell me it was on.

I've got to be at the
city at 2:30 to 4:00.

No.

But I told you,
I told all of you

we're going to have a party.

This has been on the
books for three weeks.

LISA VANDERPUMP:
(ON PHONE) It has?

This has been on the
books for three weeks.

I wish you would have
called me yesterday

and not texted me
two minutes before.

LISA VANDERPUMP: (ON
PHONE) Darling, I'm sorry.

I thought we were
closer than that.

If you're that good of a
friend, like you tell everybody

we are, then you
text me the night

before and say I'm not coming.

Anyway, all right.

I will talk to you later.

LISA VANDERPUMP: (ON
PHONE) All right, darling.

Bye. - Bye.

Kim and Kyle, I
knew weren't coming.

But Lisa, for sure, promised
that she would be here.

OK.

You might have told someone.

But you didn't tell me.

Yes, she has a busy life.

But a commitment is a
commitment in my book.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
Thank you so much.

I'll see you in a little bit.

Thank you.

[DOOR BELL]

YOLANDA FOSTER: Uh oh.

Somebody's here.

Hi.

How are you?

Good to see you.

How are you?

I brought you a cake.

You're so sweet.

Thank you, honey.

Thanks.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

- How are you?
- I'm good.

How are you doing? - Good.

I'm good.

Hanging in there.

This is such a fun idea.

This is stunning.

The ones that
we're making, we're

going to give it to Gigi
for her going away party.

Oh that's cute.

But we're going to do
a mini wall in New York.

That is beautiful.

Like, the same thing of
all our friends and family.

And she's going to
take it to New York.

Oh, I love that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello?

YOLANDA FOSTER: Hey.

We were just leaving.

CARLTON GEBBIA: How
[BLEEP] hot you look.

YOLANDA FOSTER: I do?

With my lemonade?

Yeah.
In your passion, you're hot.

YOLANDA FOSTER: We were just,
we were just on our way up.

Hi, honey.

How are you?

Good, good.

How are you, baby?

I'm good.

You look yummy.

I do?

In my sneakers and my t-shirt.

Yes, always.

There's nothing
you don't look in.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Did you
have a good day, darling?

CARLTON GEBBIA: No.

YOLANDA FOSTER: I can tell.

[LAUGHTER]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Are you stressed?

I am stressed.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
Let's give her a drink.

Carlton is showing
up a little frazzled.

But she's going to
get a pass this time.

Because she had the big
Americana party yesterday.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Come here.
Come here.

Let me... CARLTON GEBBIA: No.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Here.

Put your hands on this.

[SCREAM]

CARLTON GEBBIA: I love you.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Put
your hands there.

That will de-stress you.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Yes.

I am so stressed.

Crystals do.

They bring you down.

They calm you.

They centre your energy.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
Do we need the wine?

Are you OK?

Yeah.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
I mean, I'm not drinking.

But maybe when Brandi comes,
we take it out if she wants it.

[LAUGHTER] No, no.

Because baby, I don't want it.

I'm going to have a
lemonade like Carlton.

No. Me, too.

But we'll put it upstairs.
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: OK.

Let's take it.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

You want me to take
the red one, too?

YOLANDA FOSTER: What
are you trying to say?

CARLTON GEBBIA: Do
me a [BLEEP] favour...

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: If
Carlton's not drinking...

Can you do me a favour?

Please don't label her.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
I'm not labelling her.

CARLTON GEBBIA: No. But you did.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: What's the...

CARLTON GEBBIA: Don't do it.
All right.

But I don't think
it's bad if she

wants to have a glass of wine.

I don't think it's a bad thing.
- Of course it's not.

Why would it be?

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
I even offered it to you.

Now it's not a [BLEEP] label.

Am I putting a label on you?
- I don't do wine.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
What's your problem?

I'm not labelling her.

You don't want wine.

I don't want wine.

If Brandi wants it,
we'll bring it up not.

I'm not putting
any labels on her.

I'm not saying, she's the
alcoholic of the group.

But I just don't
want to label here.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: I like wine.

I drink wine.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Why don't you
have a [BLEEP] drink with me?

NARRATOR: Coming up.

I really feel like Kyle is
talking [BLEEP] behind my back.

Who the [BLEEP] talks [BLEEP]
about people's religions,

though?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KYLE RICHARDS: Hey there.

How are you?

Kyle Richards.

Going to "Days of Our Lives."

Hi, I'm Kyle. ARMANDO: Hi, Kyle.

Armando. Nice to meet you.

KYLE RICHARDS: Nice to meet you.

ARMANDO: How are you?

OK.

How are you guys today?

Good.

How about you?

Good.

Pretty good.

I didn't sleep last night.

But that's OK.

So I need extra help
with the makeup.

This has been around
forever, this place.

I'm just looking at
all the pictures here.

Oh yeah.

It's the 12,000th episode?

12,211 or something like that?

That's what that number was?

12,211th episode?

Yeah.

That's the episode.

Oh my God.

When you're doing a movie, you
have a few months to shoot it.

When you're doing
a TV show, you may

shoot two long scenes a day.

But a soap opera, you're doing
like 70 or 80 pages a day.

You're having to
remember lines like that.

It's crazy.

When I was doing "ER,"
some of the, like,

medical terms were so
long and difficult.

ARMANDO: Oh yeah.

So hard to learn.

And all the cast, everybody,
George Clooney and everybody,

would sometimes write
the words on their hands.

Because they couldn't
remember these words.

They were so long.

I'm ready to do that today.

Like, where is the teleprompter?

Every time I would sit down
and try to remember my lines,

one of the kids needed
me for something.

Or my husband is
asking me something.

Or the kids walk in.

Some people ask me,
you know, do you ever

regret having your kids so
young and giving up acting

and having to go back?

But never for one second have
I regretted having my children

young.

That's absolutely the
best part of my life.

And they have been worth
every moment of it.

PA ANNOUNCER: Standby
Kyle Richards,

Camila Banus, Blake Barrett,
standby for dry blocking.

KAREN: Just for dry blocking.

PA ANNOUNCER: In just
a moment, please.

For me to go in there?

KAREN: Just for dry blocking.

Is it OK if I leave my
purse in here with you guys?

Sure.

KYLE RICHARDS: In the last
year and a half or so,

I've done a guest spot on "CSI."

I did a movie called
"The Hungover Games."

And now I'm doing
"Days of Our Lives."

As a little girl, I did
a number of soap operas.

But as an adult,
I have not delved

into the soap opera world.

And I'm nervous walking
out there because I know

it's not like it used to be.

It's changed so much.

So I know that I have about
five minutes to get it right.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Fluffy,
you want to come?

Come upstairs with Mommy.

Come.

We could go on
vacation right here.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: That's
why you're so freaking hot.

Because you do these stairs.

That's why your ass is so tight.

Yeah.

Right.

Seriously.

I wish I had these
steps in my house.

Hi, my love.

Then I would
probably have a butt.

I'm going to come over more.

It's hard, isn't it?

Just to do the steps.

Look.

I set up all the stuff.

My gosh.

Brandi said she's running
late because of her hand.

And Lisa cancelled two
minutes, like at 3:30

saying that she's in meetings.

And I'm like, meetings?

I cancelled all my
meetings, too, today.

I'm surprised one of the
members of the dream team

is not here.

And Yolanda's so upset about it.

I mean, if they're best
friends, they should

have talked on the phone.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Hello, hello.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: Well, hello.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Hi.

YOLANDA FOSTER: You made it.

Barely.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Geez.

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
I'm sorry I'm late.

Today's not my lucky day.

No, I know.

I can see that.

[LAUGHTER]

You look beautiful, though.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: Hi, honey.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Hi, guys.
Hi, girls.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Hi.

Hi.

Where is everybody?

YOLANDA FOSTER: Lisa
cancelled, like, at 3:30.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Why?

YOLANDA FOSTER: She said
she had business meetings.

I'm like, are you kidding?

Lisa did tell me, do you
know how far Malibu is?

I'm like, it's further for
me than it is for Lisa.

And I have a broken hand.

And guess who's there?

Me.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
How is this looking?

- Very pretty.
- Very gold?

Kind of Goldfinger.

With my hand, I could be in
the emergency room right now.

But I came. - You came.

I wasn't going to not come.

Well, that's a good friend.

I was just trying to
figure out what to do.

I didn't want anyone to know.

YOLANDA FOSTER: But my
intuition was like, oh my God.

I heard the snap.

It was like, crack.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: I felt it.

YOLANDA FOSTER: And
then you kind of said it

was does the sound of his head.

Remember?

Really.

Hi, love.

DAVID FOSTER: What
is going on here?

My love, look at it.

We have not...

DAVID FOSTER: Wow.

Hey, girls.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: How are you?

I'll go to the wife last.

How are you?

Hey, Carlton.

Hi, love.

How are you?

Whoa, three?

I got three.

Yeah.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Hi, love.

DAVID FOSTER: Hi, baby.

Safety in numbers.

What's this?

BRANDI GLANVILLE: You're
going to the wife last.

That's what I heard.

[LAUGHTER]

Come here.

That's funny.

You funny, girl.

Do you want some
guacamole, my love?

Yes, please.

DAVID FOSTER: Oh that's pretty.

YOLANDA FOSTER: But, look.

I've been cooking
all day, making food.

CARLTON GEBBIA: So yummy.
- And everything.

And nobody showed up. So?

DAVID FOSTER: The
hottest four showed up.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Exactly.

And I'm very much enjoying this.

I can't, I can't
get my heart right.

It's kind of crooked.
BRANDI GLANVILLE: It's perfect.

It's annoying me.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
Your heart is right.

No.

But look how crooked it is.
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: No.

It's very pretty.

I think just in the little top,
a little on the top your right.

YOLANDA FOSTER:
This one is fatter.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE
OHOVEN: Your right.

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
Or just right there.

DAVID FOSTER: OK.
YOLANDA FOSTER: Love you.

DAVID FOSTER: This
is a hen party

that I don't feel right at.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Oh,
the cock is leaving?

What did you, what
did you just say?

I said, the cock is leaving.

We're not [BLEEP] hens.

Bye, girls.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Love you, baby.
DAVID FOSTER: Love you, babe.

See you at 8:00 dinner, right?

YOLANDA FOSTER:
I'll be down soon.

Yeah.

DAVID FOSTER: OK, babe.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Can I,
can I ask a question here?

YOLANDA FOSTER: Yeah.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Is anybody
talking [BLEEP] about me?

Talking [BLEEP] about you?

I haven't heard,
not heard a thing.

If

They're saying it, they're
not going to say it to me.

Have you heard it?

I haven't heard anything.

What about witchcraft?

Oh, I think it's great.

Can I tell you what I think?

YOLANDA FOSTER: What?

I woke up a few nights ago.

And I really feel like Kyle's
talking [BLEEP] behind my back.

Like, [BLEEP].

I get this beautiful gift
from Kyle which I think

is a peace offering.

And I have a dream that
she was talking really

negatively about my faith.

And it's just, it's
that bloody thing again.

It's like, nope.

I'm absolutely right
on about this woman.

I do think she's
saying something

that's slightly negative
with regard to my religion.

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
The only person

she would be saying it to at
this table would be Joyce, so?

YOLANDA FOSTER: You know what?
I...

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
Listen, the only thing

I have to say about that is
that you have to talk to her.

YOLANDA FOSTER:
The fair thing is...

Yeah, exactly. Let's, let's...

But by the way, who the
[BLEEP] talks [BLEEP] about

people's religion, though?

That's why that makes me mad.

YOLANDA FOSTER: No,
I mean that's wrong.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
You woke up thinking this.

Nobody's talking [BLEEP]
about your religion.

This is just in your head.

So let it go.

But she doesn't talk [BLEEP].

But I think she does.

I think she is.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: I think
God looks like the Muppet

with the orange face
and a black hat.

And that's who my God is.

There's no reason why
we cannot all coexist.

Exactly.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Exactly.

But I do feel like
she's talking crap.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Carlton's
religion that she, you know,

practises is just
a point of, she

flips and she's very sensitive.

I can't explain it.

Just watch your back.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Let's
drop it, please.

Let's get these
paintings on the wall.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KYLE RICHARDS: So funny
how they get so blinged

out on these soap operas.

Right?

The diamonds for,
like, a lunch meeting.

Look good? - Yeah.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Appreciate it.

You're welcome.

PA ANNOUNCER: Standby for
Camila, Blake, and Kyle

on the atmosphere for
[INAUDIBLE] Show 11.

KYLE RICHARDS: I have to
say I'm feeling pretty good.

I know my lines.

And I have, you
know, quite a bit

to remember and a very
little amount of time.

I hope they let us run
through this one time.

No, I'm sure they will.

KYLE RICHARDS: And I
know I can act now.

I don't know a lot of things.

But I know I can act.

That part's easy.

DIRECTOR: Five, four, three.

[BLEEP]

Look.

Let's not beat around the bush.

I am excited.

Sparkle is excited.

And we want to sign you.

Today.

Now, if you have any
questions, no matter

what time, day or night,
I want you to call me.

OK.

KYLE RICHARDS: OK? - Thank you.

Got it. OK.

Now we move onto
the next person.

Susan Lucci, watch out.

NARRATOR: Coming up.

But spells only get to
you if you believe in it.

[BLEEP] you.

When you go home
tonight, watch out.

[LAUGHTER]

Hi.

How are you?

There you are.

I saw you in the makeup room.

And I thought I
should talk to you

before you get your hair done.

Because I would be a
little cuter than you are.

Deidre hall is like
the soap opera queen.

She has been on "Days of Our
Lives" since the beginning.

- Awww.
- Glad that worked out.

I just wanted to,
I know we've met,

you know, in the past
couple times here and there.

But I just want to
say hi to you again.

I'm so glad you're here.

You look so gorgeous.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

You look so gorgeous.

Oh thank you. So do you.

I was looking at the pictures
of you on the wall here.

I'm like, how long have
you been doing this show?

36 years?

- Unbelievable.
- Yes.

To me, too.

You're always so beautiful.

I mean this woman has been
thrown from a building.

She's been possessed by a devil.

She's been kidnapped more
times than I can remember.

And she's still standing.

That's a survivor.

Well, I'm happy to be here.

And I just wanted to say hello.

I'm so glad you did.

Come by anytime. - Thank you.

Nice to see you.

I'll see you out there.

See you on TV.

OK.

Bye.

YOLANDA FOSTER: Let me see
yours, let me see yours.

CARLTON GEBBIA: Mine's,
mine's a tornado.

YOLANDA FOSTER:
Let me see yours.

CARLTON GEBBIA: That's
my, that's just my day.

A tornado?

Gigi is going to be a tornado.

I Like that.

Is this weird to say?

I really feel like Kyle is
talking [BLEEP] behind my back.

She doesn't talk [BLEEP].

Well, not to me, obviously.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
You should talk to her.

I would rather you come
straight to my face rather than

talk [BLEEP] behind my back.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: Yeah.
No.

I...

BRANDI GLANVILLE: We
all feel the same way.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: I
don't understand why Carlton

is being so double sided.

I mean, on one
hand, she's saying,

if anybody has a
problem with me,

I just want them to
talk to me about it.

But here she is talking
about Kyle the entire time.

Go and talk to Kyle about it.

CARLTON GEBBIA: I
always give people

the benefit of the
doubt, seeing how

our relationship would unveil.

And she was very
uncomfortable around me.

KYLE RICHARDS: So were
you raised Catholic?

BRANDI GLANVILLE:
She thought you were

going to cast a spell on her.

Well, I [BLEEP] will
if she [BLEEP] with me.

YOLANDA FOSTER:
You don't do that.

Spells only get to you
if you believe in it.

No.

That's [BLEEP].

Trust me.

YOLANDA FOSTER: That's not...

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
You're like, trust me.

I'm like, test it out.

You'll see.

Won't get to me.

If you say that to me,
I'm going to say, really?

Do you want to see?

It is truly about respect.

But don't [BLEEP] come
at me and say I [BLEEP]

don't believe that.
Well, you know what?

[BLEEP] you.

When you go home
tonight, watch out.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: I think
Carlton may have just

put a spell or a hex on Joyce.

Fingers crossed.

Watch out, Joyce.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I believe in God.

I have such a powerful...

I really, I believe in God.

I find it so silly.

I just laugh about it because I
don't believe in these things.

I have a God that
is so powerful.

And I always feel a protection.

So I don't think
that any negativity

can come into my life.

I believe that whatever
you let me into your world

is what affects you.

Joyce, bless her heart, I
really think is very naive.

I think Wiccan has a very
big misconception about it.

It's not witchcraft.

Whenever people
dabble with something

that's a negative energy,
you always pay a price.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KIM RICHARDS: How was Yolanda's?

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
Brandi said that Carlton

was going to do a spell on her.

And then Yolanda says no,
but you don't do spells.

Right?

And Carlton says, yeah, I do.

KIM RICHARDS: [GASP].

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN: I
don't believe in that stuff.

So it doesn't affect me.

So she says to me, go home
tonight and see what happens.

And then something happened.

Stop that.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN:
Michael got so sick.

It was insane.

And Michael is like you.

Michael believes in energy.

And he believes that
things... you know, I don't.

KIM RICHARDS: He got sick?

Sick is one thing.

And how he got is
something else.

KIM RICHARDS: I think
Carlton might have

put a spell on Joyce's husband.

If I were her, I wouldn't
want to mess around.

You swear all this
just happened.

I swear.

NARRATOR: Next time on "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills."

I need to know from you that
you're not doing any spells.

Don't even go there.

I want to know that I don't have

to be worried that, God forbid,
my child falls down a ladder.

Do not ever bring
up children to me.

So what are we planning?

Some kind of birthday
party or something?

Ken's birthday.

Oh my God.

We'll do something
she-she-she right away.

Happy birthday, boy.

KEN TODD: Oh wow, look at this.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[SCREAMS]

I think really it's
probably Kevin's fantasy

is thrown over Jax's shoulder.

I've been nothing but
[BLEEP] nice to you.

You haven't been [BLEEP] nice.

You haven't.

BRANDI GLANVILLE: Oh.

We almost had a good night.

Don't you dare command me.

You don't [BLEEP]
dare command me.

KYLE RICHARDS: You don't want
to be judged for being a Wiccan?

Then don't act like a witch.

NARRATOR: To learn more
about the Housewives,