The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Birthday Witch - full transcript
Joyce confronts Carlton about a spell; Lisa and Kyle plan a combined birthday party for their husbands; Lisa asks Brandi to speak to Scheana; a confrontation between Carlton and Kyle.
- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I WAS NEVER GONNA
LET YOU BE HOMELESS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
- OH, WE'RE GONNA...
THE KIDS AND I
ARE GONNA MOVE
INTO YOUR APARTMENT?
- [chuckles] NO.
- [chuckles]
- OH, MY GOD.
- I DIDN'T THINK LISA AND KYLE
WERE ON SUCH GOOD TERMS.
- OH, MY GOD.
- BACK ON. BACK OFF.
BACK ON. BACK OFF.
- SO CHILDISH.
- I FEEL LIKE THERE WERE
A COUPLE OCCASIONS
THAT YOU SAID STUFF
THAT DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH ME.
- OH, MY GOD. THERE'S A BEE.
KILL IT FOR ME IF YOU LOVE ME.
- NO.
- WE'RE TOO OLD
FOR PEER PRESSURE.
- THIS IS NOTHING LIKE
PEER PRESSURE.
- THERE'S A MEXICAN EXPRESSION
WHEN SOMEONE'S
LOOKING FOR A PROBLEM.
CARLTON IS LOOKING
FOR TITS ON A MAN.
- OH, WOW.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- LOOKS GOOD.
- IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?
- REALLY?
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?
YOU CANNOT MISTAKE THE TWO.
- SPELLS ONLY GET TO YOU
WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN IT.
- DON'T [bleep]
COME AT ME AND SAY,
"I [bleep] DON'T BELIEVE THAT."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] YOU.
WHEN YOU GO HOME TONIGHT,
WATCH OUT.
- [laughs]
- MICHAEL GOT SO SICK.
IT WAS INSANE.
- I THINK CARLTON MIGHT HAVE
PUT A SPELL ON JOYCE'S HUSBAND.
IF I WERE HER, I WOULDN'T
WANT TO MESS AROUND.
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER
YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.
- YOU COULD NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY, LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HEY, DARLING.
- YES?
- YOU'VE GOT TO
VACUUM THAT MAT THERE.
- YEAH.
- IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
YOU GOT TO DO IT, LIKE, TWICE.
- YES, MISS.
- IT'S KEN'S BIRTHDAY
THIS WEEKEND,
SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE A DINNER,
BUT WE'VE ONLY GOT A COUPLE
OF DAYS TO PUT IT TOGETHER.
KEVIN'S IN CHARGE, SO
WE'VE GOT TO WATCH OUR BUDGET,
BUT HE ALWAYS BRINGS IT HOME.
HEY, HI.
- HELLO, DEAR. MWAH.
- EXCUSE ME.
- HEY, HI. SIT DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT.
- KYLE'S COMING IN A MINUTE.
- OH, GREAT.
SO WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING?
SOME KIND OF BIRTHDAY
PARTY OR SOMETHING?
- KEN'S BIRTHDAY...
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND MAURICIO,
KEN AND MAURICIO'S, YEAH.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- YEAH.
- MAURICIO AND KEN'S TOGETHER?
- NO, THEY'RE KIND OF
AROUND THE SAME WEEK.
- ALL RIGHT.
WE DO SOMETHING SH-SH-SH
RIGHT AWAY, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
KYLE CAUGHT ME.
I SAID, "WELL, IT'S
KEN'S BIRTHDAY THIS WEEKEND.
WHEN'S MAURICIO'S BIRTHDAY?"
SHE SAID,
"OH, IT WAS A MONTH AGO,
BUT WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING."
SO I SAID, "WELL, PERFECT.
WE'LL HAVE A JOINT PARTY."
THEY ADORE EACH OTHER.
SIMPLE AS THAT.
I THINK... YEAH, OKAY,
WE WANT TO DO A DINNER,
BUT ALL... WE'LL DECIDE TOGETHER.
- THAT'D BE FANTASTIC.
- SO CAN YOU DO IT?
- CAN DO IT, OF COURSE.
I HAVE MAGIC HANDS,
SO I CAN DO IT.
[laughs]
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU DO
WITH THOSE MAGIC HANDS AS WELL.
- HELLO.
- HEY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY, KYLE.
MWAH, MWAH.
- [laughs]
- HI, DARLING. SIT DOWN.
- OH, YOU ALREADY... OKAY.
- [indistinct]
- YES, MA'AM.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- WHAT DO I WANT?
- GLASS OF WINE? CUP OF TEA?
- I'M GONNA HAVE A LATTE.
- KYLE, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD
TO HAVE A BLACK TIE
FOR THAT FEW PEOPLE, BUT WE
REALLY WANT IT TO BE ELEGANT.
- NO.
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- OF COURSE, YOU DON'T.
- NO.
- I THINK FEW PEOPLE... THERE'S
SOMETHING REALLY ELEGANT,
VERY CHIC, AND I LOVE IT.
- YEAH, OF COURSE.
PEOPLE LIKE TO DRESS UP.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, DEFINITELY.
- AFTER CARLTON'S PARTY...
- OH, HEY.
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
- I JUST SAW VAGINA.
- WE DECIDED WE WANTED
TO SOMETHING A LITTLE...
EXTREMELY DIFFERENT.
- FOOD.
- YEAH?
- WILL YOU ORGANIZE THAT?
- YOU DON'T WANT TO BRING
YOUR OWN FOOD?
YOU HAVE A... TWO RESTAURANTS.
WHY NOT? - NO, NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY.
IT'S, LIKE, KEN'S BIRTHDAY.
I WANT TO RELAX, YOU KNOW?
- OH, OKAY.
I HAVE A FABULOUS CATERER.
CAN YOU BRING JUST A BARTENDER
AND THEN A... JUST A COUPLE
OF PEOPLE CAN HELP US OUT?
- I'LL BRING TWO GUYS
FOR THE BAR...
- ALL RIGHT.
- AND I'LL BRING TWO GIRLS
TO PASS SOME DRINKS, OKAY?
- OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
- SO, PEOPLE.
WHO SHOULD WE HAVE?
- LISA, KEN, KYLE, MAURICIO.
- PANDY, JASON.
- PANDY AND JASON. FARRAH.
- MAX WON'T COME.
HE'S ALREADY SAID HE'S TAKING
HIS DAD OUT TO LUNCH.
- WE'LL HAVE KIM AND BRANDI.
IS YOLANDA HERE?
- SHE'S HAVING HER DAUGHTER'S
WEDDING OR SOMETHING.
- NO, NOT HER DAUGHTER'S.
- OH, IT'S HER STEPDAUGHTER'S...
- OH, IT'S HER STEPDAUGHTER'S
WEDDING.
YEAH, YEAH.
- SO ON THE SAME NIGHT?
- YEAH. YEAH.
- OH.
- THAT'S DAVID'S
DAUGHTER'S WEDDING?
- YEAH. I THINK SO.
- YOU WEREN'T INVITED?
- I ONLY MET HER ONCE.
- YOU'RE PART OF HER DREAM TEAM.
YOU SHOULD BE INVITED.
- I'M CLEARLY NOT.
- INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST.
- SHALL I INVITE
CARLTON AND DAVID?
- NO, CARLTON AND I
ARE ACTUALLY FINE.
SHE HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME
IN THE BEGINNING.
WE'RE FINE NOW,
BUT I MEAN, WE'RE NOT, LIKE...
WE DON'T HANG OUT.
WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.
- SHE COULD BE ON MY LIST
OR WE'LL SPLIT IT UP.
- OH, I SEE.
YOU MEAN, IF WE'RE GETTING
EACH SIX COUPLES...
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
AND YOU TAKE JOYCE
AND MICHAEL THEN.
- WHO MAKES TEAMS UP?
I MEAN, GIVE ME A BREAK.
UM, OKAY.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HOW ARE YOU GUYS AND GIRLS?
- HEY, GORGEOUS.
- [laughs] YOU AND YOUR SHORTS.
- HEY.
- MY SECOND BOOK
WILL BE OUT SOON.
THE MOST EXCITING THING
TO ME ABOUT THE SECOND BOOK
IS THAT IT'S NOT ABOUT
MY EX-HUSBAND.
IT'S ABOUT ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.
- LET'S GO LOOK AT
THE CLOTHES AND STUFF.
- ALL RIGHT. IT'LL BE FUN. YEAH.
UNLIKE IN LIFE, BOOKS ARE
ACTUALLY JUDGED BY THEIR COVERS,
AND MY FIRST COVER WENT SO WELL,
I WANT TO USE THE SAME TEAM
FOR THE SECOND COVER.
- THIS ONE HAS
A CUTOUT ON THE SIDES,
BUT I WISH IT WAS
A LITTLE SHORTER.
- YEAH, IT'S JUST KIND OF
WAH-WAH.
- YEAH.
- WE'VE BEEN BRAINSTORMING
IDEAS FOR THE COVER,
AND I THINK WE'VE COME UP
WITH SOME GOOD ONES.
- I COULD SEE
A FEATHER DUSTER WITH THAT.
- I COULD SEE THAT WITH THE...
KIND OF MAID-ISH.
WE DID TALK ABOUT SHOWING,
YOU KNOW,
THE SUPERMOM WITH
THE FRYING PAN AND NO MAKE-UP.
- WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE WITH A...
both: PINK BRA? - AMAZING.
- THAT'S KIND OF EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
THERE'S MORE TO ME
THAN JUST A PARTY GIRL.
I'M A MOTHER OF TWO,
AND I WORK AT THE SCHOOL,
AND I DRIVE CARPOOL,
AND I GO GROCERY SHOPPING,
AND I PUT KIDS IN TIME-OUTS
FOR CUSSING, THANK YOU.
OH, WHAT...
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE
LIKE THAT IN THE BACK?
- SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.
- YEAH.
HI. - BRANDI.
- HELLO. YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.
- IT'S SO GREAT
TO MEET YOU IN PERSON.
- YOU TOO.
- HI, AUSTIN.
- HI, NANCY.
- NANCY, I'M SO SORRY.
THIS IS SALVADOR.
- HI, NANCY. NICE TO MEET YOU.
- I KNOW ALL THESE VOICES
'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN TALKING
ON THE PHONE.
- I KNOW, AND WE'VE HAD, LIKE,
A BREAKFAST CONFERENCE CALL.
- HI, SALVADOR.
- NANCY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- MY LAST BOOK EDITOR,
WHO I ADORE,
WAS KIND OF A PUSSY, AND NANCY'S
THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.
SHE'S LIKE,
"SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY."
- OH, I LIKE THIS BETTER.
- I DON'T LIKE THAT DRESS.
- IS IT ME?
- REALLY?
- I FEEL LIKE IT'S...
- I DON'T LIKE IT.
- WE CAN EASILY EXAGGERATE
THE SHAPE IN POST
AND MAKE IT MORE... YOU KNOW.
SO THERE'S DEFINITELY
THINGS WE CAN DO.
- I THINK THAT IS
A LOT OF WORK TO DO
FOR A DRESS THAT DOESN'T WORK.
- ACTUALLY, IT'S EASY
TO DO THE WORK, BUT...
- THAT ISN'T COVER-WORTHY,
YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE...
WHAT IS THAT CONCEPT?
I DON'T GET THE CONCEPT.
IT DOESN'T FIT YOU PERFECTLY.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
THEY'LL ADJUST THAT.
BUT I JUST...
I DON'T LIKE THAT DRESS.
- YEAH, I KNOW. I... I...
NANCY?
SHE'S, LIKE, NO BULL[bleep],
AND SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME.
- THIS DRESS DOES NOT
LOOK LIKE YOU TO ME.
- RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA TRY THIS ON.
ALL RIGHT.
- SO WHAT ARE WE THINKING ABOUT
ANOTHER DRESS
FOR THAT PARTICULAR COVER...
- WELL, THE ONE SHE'S TRYING ON.
- OH, SHE'S GOT ANOTHER
ONE SHE'S PUTTING ON.
- YEAH.
- OKAY, GOOD.
- WE'RE AT, LIKE, OUR FOURTH
DRESS IN, TRYING ON, SO...
- AHA. AND ARE THEY ALL BLACK?
[camera shutter snapping]
[pop music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- BURNING. BURNING HOT.
ON FIRE.
- I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING
THE GLOVES
WITH DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS.
- HERE, GIVE ME THE GLOVE.
- OH.
- SEE HOW MANY OF THESE
YOU CAN...
- HOLD?
- WITH YOUR...
- INJURED HAND?
- LIKE, YOU'RE TRYING TO
HOLD SOMETHING,
LIKE, BUT YOU CAN'T.
- I JUST WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT FOR A LITTLE BIT.
- YEAH.
- I'M WONDERING ABOUT
MOVING THE ROLLING PIN
'CAUSE IT'S HAMPERING HER
A LITTLE BIT.
- RIGHT.
THIS CONCEPT WAS, LIKE,
SHE'S JUGGLING ALL THESE THINGS
OF HOMELIFE.
- RIGHT - THAT WAS...
- BUT THAT ISN'T
THE TOPIC OF THE BOOK.
- HMM.
- THAT'S THE THING, YOU KNOW.
THE BOOK IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.
- YEAH.
OKAY.
- NANCY'S GIVING ME THE MONEY,
SO I HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS.
I AM HER BITCH.
- YEAH, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
[pop music]
- BUT LOOK HOW GREAT SHE LOOKS.
HOW COULD ANYBODY NOT LIKE THAT?
- OH, IT'S SO GOOD.
SO GOOD.
- THAT IS SO ADORABLE.
- OH, THAT'S IT.
BEAUTIFUL.
- I HOPE NANCY'S RIGHT,
BUT I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT
WHEN THE BOOK COMES OUT.
- CHECK OUT THIS ONE.
- I LOVE IT. IT'S PERFECT.
- IT'S GO...
- YOU GOT IT.
WHOO! - [laughs]
- CONGRATULATIONS.
WHOO.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HI.
- I GOT AN INVITATION
FROM JOYCE TO GO TO LUNCH,
WHICH WAS UNUSUAL, AND...
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW WHY EXACTLY.
- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HERE?
I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE. - NO.
- IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?
- SO HOW WE DOING OVER HERE?
- OVERWHELMED BY
YOUR BIG BEAUTIFUL MENU.
- OVERWHELMED? AH.
- WE GET OVERWHELMED
WHEN WE SEE SO MUCH.
- THERE YOU GO.
WELL, THE LUNCH...
THE CHICKEN CREPE
IS REALLY GOOD.
- I'LL TRY THAT,
BUT I WANT IT WITH FRENCH FRIES.
IT COMES WITH...
- YEAH, IT COMES
WITH THE FRENCH FRIES.
- PERFECT.
- OKAY, SO ONE CHICKEN CREPE.
- IT'S THE SKINNY POMMES FRITES?
- THEY ARE.
- OKAY, SO TWO OF THOSE.
- THE SAME, TWO.
- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- SO, YEAH, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT KIND OF WHAT WENT DOWN
THE OTHER DAY AT YOLANDA'S...
- YES?
- AND, UM...
- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
- THIS IS THE PROBLEM I HAVE.
YOUR FLIPPANCY
WITH WHAT I BELIEVE IN.
- WHAT'S FLIPPANCY?
- YOU'RE VERY
DISMISSIVE ABOUT IT.
- I HAVEN'T BEEN FLIPPANTY.
- BLESS HER LITTLE HEART.
[laughs]
I KNOW THIS IS
HER SECOND LANGUAGE.
- ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
- THAT LOOKS YUMMY.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- I RESPECT
EVERYBODY'S RELIGION.
I RESPECT YOUR RELIGION.
I RESPECT KYLE'S RELIGION,
WHO IS JEWISH.
WHAT I NEED TO KNOW FROM YOU...
THAT YOU'RE NOT DOING
ANY SPELLS...
- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?
- NO, NO.
I DON'T TAKE ANY
RELIGION LIGHTLY.
LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID,
"IS THAT A CHALLENGE?
THEN GO HOME AND SEE
WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT"?
REMEMBER? - MM-HMM.
- THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
WE GO TO DINNER,
MY HUSBAND AND I.
WE BOTH ATE THE SAME THING.
20 MINUTES LATER, I'VE NOT
SEEN MY HUSBAND THIS SICK...
I'VE BEEN WITH HIM
FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS.
I'VE NOT SEEN MY HUSBAND
THIS SICK EVER.
- YOU'RE SAYING
THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED?
- IT DID.
- COMING UP...
- DON'T EVER ASK ME
IF I WOULD DO ANYTHING
TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY.
- DOES IT HURT, THE FIRST ONE?
[screeches]
- REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID,
"IS THAT A CHALLENGE?
THEN GO HOME AND SEE
WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT"?
- MM-HMM.
- I'VE NOT SEEN MY HUSBAND
THIS SICK EVER.
- YOU'RE SAYING THAT
SOMETHING HAPPENED?
- IT DID.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
I PRACTICED
IN THE DARK SIDE OF WICCA,
AND THEN I STARTED TO PAY
A PRICE AS I GOT OLDER
BECAUSE NONE OF THAT'S FOR FREE.
AND I INVITED A LOT OF DARKNESS
INTO MY LIFE.
BUT WHEN I HAD CHILDREN,
I KNEW THAT IT HAD TO STOP.
NOW I PRACTICE FROM LIGHT.
I DON'T PRAY OR WORSHIP
OR ANYTHING NEGATIVE OR DARK.
JOYCE SAYS THAT SHE DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN MY RELIGION.
THE ONE THING YOU DON'T
DISCUSS: RELIGION AND POLITICS.
I MEAN, THAT'S A [bleep] TABOO.
- I WANT TO KNOW THAT
I DON'T HAVE TO BE WORRIED,
THAT, GOD FORBID,
MY CHILD FALLS DOWN A LADDER...
- OH, DON'T EVEN GO THERE.
- I WANT TO TALK TO YOU...
- THAT... YOU CAN'T... NO.
- I WOULD NEED TO TELL YOU.
- DON'T EVER ASK ME
IF I WOULD DO ANYTHING
TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY.
DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO...
- NO, BUT LET ME TALK TO YOU,
BECAUSE THIS IS
SOMETHING IN MY HEART.
- THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD
EVEN THINK THAT FOR A SECOND...
- YOU'RE TELLING ME,
"GO HOME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS."
THESE ARE THINGS
THAT HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.
MY SONS CAN FALL DOWN
THE STAIRS.
- IT WASN'T... IT WASN'T
A BLOODY THREAT, THOUGH, JOYCE.
KNOW THIS FOR A FACT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT YOUR SON FALLING DOWN
THE STAIRS.
THAT [bleep] BLOWS MY MIND.
- OR ANYBODY THAT I LOVE.
OR MY HUSBAND.
OKAY, LET'S TALK
ABOUT MY HUSBAND.
- NO. NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.
- I WANT TO KNOW THAT
YOU DON'T DO THAT...
- LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
- OR THAT YOU WON'T
DO THAT WITH...
- DO NOT EVER BRING UP
CHILDREN TO ME.
PLEASE DON'T EVER SUGGEST
THAT I WOULD EVER
DO SOMETHING TO YOUR CHILDREN.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?
- BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME
THE OTHER DAY,
"GO HOME
AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS."
- I FELT LIKE
YOU WERE CHALLENGING ME.
SO DID I SAY SOMETHING THAT
PROBABLY WASN'T APPROPRIATE?
YES.
SHOULD SHE BE WORRIED?
NO.
I DON'T WANT TO GROW NEGATIVE.
I REALLY DON'T.
- I DON'T EITHER.
- I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD.
- I DON'T EITHER.
- BUT IN ORDER FOR US
TO MOVE FORWARD,
NOW YOU'VE CLEARED THE AIR.
NOW YOU'VE TOLD ME.
BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT
IF SOMEBODY TELLS YOU,
"GO HOME
AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS,"
YOU HAVE TO ASK THAT PERSON,
"HEY, DO I HAVE TO BE
WORRIED ABOUT THAT?"
- I SAY ENOUGH WITH
THIS SILLY [bleep].
THE DIFFERENCE WITH JOYCE
AND, LET'S SAY, KYLE,
IS I REALLY DO FEEL LIKE
JOYCE IS A GOOD PERSON,
BUT I THINK THAT
SHE'S A LITTLE NAIVE.
I THINK
WE'VE TALKED IT TO DEATH.
- WE NEED TO HAVE FUN.
WE NEED TO REALLY START
FRESH AND JUST LET IT GO,
AND... YOU KNOW?
TURN THE PAGE.
- YEAH.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HI.
- HI.
HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
- I'M ADAM.
- YOU'RE ADAM?
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WE TALKED TO YOU ON THE PHONE.
WE WANT TO GET
THE BUTTERFLY TATTOO.
- OKAY.
- AND, UM,
WE'RE A LITTLE NERVOUS.
- IT'S YOUR FIRST ONE, RIGHT?
- MM-HMM.
- YOU'LL BE FINE.
- KIMBERLY IS GETTING READY
TO LEAVE FOR COLLEGE NOW,
SO WE DECIDED WE WANTED
MATCHING BUTTERFLY TATTOOS.
- SO WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO PUT IT?
- ON MY ASS. [laughs]
I'M JUST JOKING.
WE WERE THINKING RIGHT HERE.
- OKAY.
- THERE.
MAYBE KIND OF SIDEWAYS?
MAYBE, LIKE...
- ALL RIGHT, YOU NEED TO STOP.
- LIKE, RIGHT HERE.
- CAN WE NOT JOKE?
THIS IS SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
- OKAY.
- SO, GI.
WE'RE GONNA WRAP ALL THE
BREAKABLE STUFF IN THIS, YEAH?
DO YOU WANT ME TO START
LOADING THAT IF WE NEED MORE?
- WELL, THIS IS THE THING.
I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT
TILL LITERALLY
THE DAY BEFORE I LEAVE
BECAUSE IF WE PACK
ALL MY CLOTHES,
I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.
- BUT, LIKE,
ALL THE WINTER COATS,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA WEAR THEM.
- YEAH, I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA
WEAR MY WINTER COATS.
- GIGI'S LEAVING IN
ABOUT 3 1/2 WEEKS
TO GO TO COLLEGE IN NEW YORK.
I FEEL REALLY CONFIDENT
THAT I'VE GIVEN HER
THE RIGHT TOOLS TO START
MAKING A LIFE FOR HERSELF,
SO AS MUCH I'M SAD TO SEE
HER GO, SHE'S READY TO FLY.
REMEMBER, YOUR CLOSET
IN NEW YORK
IS MUCH SMALLER THAN THIS.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
- SO YOU GOT TO BE SELECTIVE.
- OW.
I'M JUST JOKING. SORRY.
- I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU
IN THE FACE.
I'M GETTING, LIKE,
THE CHILLS RIGHT NOW.
- I ALWAYS SAY THAT
WHEN I PASS ON
THAT I'M GOING TO BE
A BUTTERFLY,
AND THAT WHEN
MY KIDS SEE A BUTTERFLY,
THAT WILL BE ME
FLOATING OVER THEM.
DO YOU HAVE A THING TO
TIE YOUR ARM DOWN OR NOT?
- I'M GONNA BE HOLDING YOU.
- YEAH, YOU WILL.
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO, LIKE, REALLY PRESS.
- AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIND
OF NUMBING THINGS, RIGHT?
- NO. OKAY, YOU READY?
- DOES IT HURT,
THE FIRST ONE, REALLY BAD?
- I'LL DO THE DOT
OF THE ANTENNA FIRST.
- UH-HUH.
- YEAH?
HOW IS IT?
REALLY?
- MM-HMM.
- OKAY.
- [screeches]
NO, NOT FUN.
DUDE.
- DO YOU THINK I CAN DO THIS?
- I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE GONNA WANT THIS.
- SO HOW ARE YOU
FEELING ABOUT MOVING?
ARE YOU STILL OKAY?
- IT'S WEIRD.
I'M SCARED FOR THE MOMENT
WHEN YOU LEAVE,
AND THEN I JUST REALIZE,
LIKE, I'M STAYING HERE.
- I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY.
I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
- WHEN YOU'RE LAYING
IN YOUR COLLEGE ROOM AT NIGHT,
YEAH, AND YOU MISS ME,
YOU CAN LOOK AT YOUR TATTOO
AND GO,
"MOM, I MISS YOU SO MUCH."
YOU CAN CALL ME.
- MOM, I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU.
- I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER GO,
BUT THE BEST THING
FOR MY DAUGHTER
IS TO GO TO COLLEGE
AND THRIVE IN THAT EDUCATION
THAT SHE SO IS MADE FOR.
- ARE WE DONE?
- YEP.
- LET ME SEE.
- AH.
- ALL THOSE PICTURES.
ARE YOU KEEPING THEM?
I'M NOT REALLY
THE TYPE TO HAVE, LIKE,
PICTURES OF MYSELF IN MY HOUSE.
- THESE I AM GOING
TO HANG IN HERE.
SO WHEN I COME IN HERE
IN THE MORNING,
I NEED TO SEE YOUR FACE.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
- WELL, YOU WON'T BE HERE,
SO YOU WON'T KNOW IT.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A CREEPY SHRINE.
- IT'S GOING A LITTLE QUICK.
YOU HAVE 18 YEARS,
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
EVERYTHING HAPPENS AT ONCE.
SEE, EVERY MORNING
I'M GONNA COME IN HERE...
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND I'M GONNA SEE YOU.
- NO. OKAY.
YOU CAN DO THAT AFTER I LEAVE.
I'M SERIOUS. - HI, GIGI.
- I STILL HAVE TO SLEEP HERE.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- OKAY, YOU MAKE THE TEA.
- YEAH.
- CAN YOU JUST HANDLE IT
SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING?
THE WHOLE THING.
I'LL JUST SHOW UP TOMORROW
WITH MY DATE, THE GIGSTER,
WHO'S A LITTLE UPSET
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
- GIGGY.
- I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET.
I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET.
I KNOW.
I CAN FEEL.
- HEY, LISA.
HOW ARE YOU?
[laughs] - OH, MY GOD.
IF THAT'S ANY INDICATION OF WHAT
MY PARTY'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,
I'M REALLY SCARED.
- HELLO?
- OH, KYLE IS HERE.
- HEY, HI.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY, KYLE. both: MWAH.
- HELLO, DARLING.
- I LOVE THE OUTFIT.
- YOU DO?
- I WAS GOING TO SAY,
[indistinct].
- KEVIN LEE AND GLENN,
MY PARTY PLANNER,
ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
EQUALLY GOOD,
JUST DIFFERENT STYLE.
- WE'RE GONNA DO IT
LIKE A FRENCH FRY STATION.
STUFF MADE TO ORDER. - LOVE IT.
- FRENCH FRIES AND ONION
RINGS MADE TO ORDER.
- LOVE IT.
- IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
- COME AND HAVE A LOOK.
- OKAY.
- 'CAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN
WHAT'S GOING UP OUTSIDE.
- EXACTLY.
- OH, YES.
- ISN'T IT GONNA BE SWEET?
RIGHT?
- OH, MY GOSH.
- OH.
- DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU
FEEL GRANDEUR AND...
- OH, I'M SO EXCITED.
- YEAH.
NO, RUMPY, NO. - [whistling]
- RUMPY.
HE DOESN'T LISTEN.
RUMPY, COME HERE.
- REALLY?
- RUMPY, COME HERE.
- THERE HE GOES
DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.
- NO, COME HERE.
YOU'VE GOT A BIG GARDEN UP HERE.
COME HERE. - RUMPY.
- RUMPY, YOU SEXY BOY.
COME HERE.
OKAY, HERE'S YOUR SOCK.
OKAY, COME HERE.
SO WE JUST PUT THE TABLE
ALL THE WAY DOWN THE MIDDLE
FILLED WITH GORGEOUS THINGS.
- RIGHT.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- I LOVE THAT.
- I LOVE IT.
- WE SHOULD DO...
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD BE
IN THE CENTER.
MAYBE LIKE THIS, LISA.
YOU AND KEN.
MAURICIO AND ME.
- IN THE CENTER?
- ONE'S ON ONE SIDE,
AND THEN LIKE THAT.
YEAH, THAT WAY WE CAN
TALK TO BOTH SIDES.
- THE GUYS, IT'S THEIR PARTY.
THEY SHOULD BE AT THE HEAD.
- KEN AND MAURICIO SHOULD BE
AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, NO?
- THANK YOU, KEVIN.
- SHOULD WE HAVE,
LIKE, A PSYCHIC COME?
- NO.
- PSYCHICS? I DON'T THINK SO.
- OKAY, WELL.
SEEMS LIKE
THE PERFECT IDEA TO ME.
- WE COULD STAND HERE,
HAVE A COCKTAIL,
AND SOMEBODY
COULD DO SOMETHING HERE.
- WATER DANCERS.
BEAUTIFUL COSTUMES, JUST DANCING
AT THE SIDE OF WATER.
AND JUST... SOMETHING SEXY.
- HUH?
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
JUST WALK IN AND
JUST ENJOY YOURSELF.
- OKAY.
- WITH A BIG, FAT CHECK.
[both laugh]
- WAIT, WHAT?
- LET'S DO IT.
- COMING UP...
- OOH!
- OH!
[laughter]
- LISA SHOULD
HAVE PROBABLY JUST HIRED
MY TWO POLE DANCERS.
I MEAN, COME ON.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS... LOOKS SO FLAT.
I THINK WE NEED TO
BLOW-DRY IT SO IT'S,
LIKE, GOT SOME HEIGHT HERE,
DON'T YOU?
- OKAY.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE
SHOULD USE THE TIARA MAYBE.
- WHAT'S THE TIME, DARLING?
- IT'S 6:10.
- DARLING,
WHAT DRESS SHOULD I WEAR?
SHOULD I WEAR THAT
DOLCE GABBANA ONE?
- YEAH, I LIKE THAT.
- THERE'S NO ROOM TO EAT,
SO IT'D BE A LIQUID DINNER
FOR ME.
- I QUITE LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'VE GOT
A LOT OF LIQUID INSIDE YOU.
- OH, 'CAUSE OF LAST NIGHT.
[both laugh]
- YEAH, THAT WAS GOOD FUN.
- KEN WANTS IT ALL THE TIME.
LET'S BE HONEST.
BUT IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY,
SO I WILL MAKE AN ALLOWANCE.
DARLING, PEOPLE WILL
BE HERE IN 15 MINUTES.
WHY DON'T YOU GO AND GET READY?
- THE SECRETS OF
BEING BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?
- OW.
- SORRY.
- OKAY, I'M GONNA
GET READY, BABY.
- SHOULD WE JUST PUT
THAT THERE OR NOT?
I THINK IT'S TOO MUCH.
- MIGHT BE A LITTLE...
- I THINK IT'S A LITTLE...
- ROCIO HAD A DIAMOND CLIP.
ROCIO?
THIS ISN'T GONNA HOLD.
- SEÑORITA?
- HI, ROCIO, DO YOU HAVE
THOSE LITTLE DIAMOND CLIPS?
I THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH.
IT LOOKS TOO PRINCESSY.
DO YOU HAVE THOSE
LITTLE DIAMOND CLIPS?
YOU WEAR IT.
- OKAY.
- WE'RE WOMEN.
YOU REMEMBER
THOSE LITTLE DIAMOND CLIPS?
- MM-HMM.
- WHERE ARE THEY?
- ROCIO.
WILL YOU BRING GIGGY UP
TO MY BATHROOM, PLEASE?
- OH, HE WANTS GIGGY
TO GET CHANGED.
OH, AND HE CAN. I'M TELLING YOU.
- LISA DECIDES WHAT I'M WEARING.
I DECIDE WHAT GIGGY WEARS,
GIGGY DECIDES WHAT ROCIO WEARS,
AND THAT'S HOW WE ROCK AND ROLL.
- GIGGY'S HERE.
- HI, GIG.
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO WEAR?
LET'S WEAR THIS ONE.
JUST UNDO THAT FOR ME, PLEASE.
- OKAY, SURE.
- OKAY, READY?
GIGGY, GIGGY, GIGGY, GIGGY.
- IT'S OKAY, LITTLE GIGGY.
- YEAH, COME ON.
GOOD.
GO OVER THERE.
GOOD BOY.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- THIS LOOKS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
OKAY, I'M GONNA GO OUT NOW
'CAUSE I TRUST YOU.
- IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT.
- I TRUST YOU.
- GOT IT.
- KEEP AN EYE ON THE COURSES,
AND THIS AND THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE, YEAH,
PERFECT.
- YEAH.
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
- YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- THANK YOU, DARLING.
♪♪ ♪♪
- YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS.
- YEAH, PRETTY.
- THANK YOU. DOLCE.
- YEAH, I LOVE IT.
- YOU GIRLS LOOK LOVELY.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S A BIT COLD.
I THINK WE COULD LIGHT
THIS FIRE AS WELL.
- LIGHT AS MANY FIRES
AS POSSIBLE.
- GOD. [both laugh]
- I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH YOU.
I DON'T LIKE TO
SEE THINGS LIKE THAT.
THAT'S UGLY.
YOU PUT IT IN A GLASS JAR.
YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.
GO AND GET SOME
LITTLE SEXY GLASS JAR.
HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE ORCHARD
GETTING THE LIMES?
HEY, DARLING.
THAT LOOKS GREAT.
YOUR DRESS LOOKS GREAT.
[smooches]
- LOOK AT SEXY GIRL THERE.
- OH, YOU LOOK LOVELY.
- YOU LOOK STUNNING.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.
- ISN'T IT FUN TO GET
DRESSED UP, BUT...
LOOK AT THE WEATHER, IT'S LIKE...
- I KNOW.
- IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
HI, LISA. - HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU.
YOU GOT A COLD?
- IT'S NOT A COLD.
IT'S BLOODY ALLERGIES.
- IT'S... OH, YEAH.
- WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
- TRAUMA.
[laughter] - OH, RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK.
- HELLO. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE.
HI, DARLING.
- HI, BABY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO. I'M OKAY.
- HEY, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
- BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOUR HOUSE IS BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU.
- J.R. AND I ARE ON AND OFF
AGAIN EVERY OTHER DAY.
IT'S A ROLLER COASTER.
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- HE'S FRIENDS WITH MAURICIO.
HE'S INVITED TO THE PARTY.
IT WOULD BE ODD FOR US
NOT TO SHOW UP TOGETHER,
AND I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.
THIS IS FOR MAURICIO...
IS HE HERE?
- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.
IT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BIRTHDAY.
- I KNOW.
- I'M TAKING THESE GIFTS
OVER HERE.
[laughs]
[upbeat music]
- THE HOUSE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
ISN'T THIS HOUSE GORGEOUS?
- I LOVE IT.
- NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP.
- I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL COLOR.
- OOH, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
EVERYBODY LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
- NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
- I'M SORRY.
CLEARLY, KEVIN AND LISA WANTED
TO DO THIS ALL THEMSELVES,
SO I DON'T REALLY THINK
IT MATTERS WHAT TIME I SHOW UP.
- OH, DON'T WORRY. LOOKING SEXY.
- OH, MY GOD, IT LOOKS...
- HEY, HI. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- I HAVE A DREAM
THAT KYLE WAS TALKING
REALLY NEGATIVELY ABOUT ME,
AND THEN THE NEXT DAY,
SOMEBODY ALSO HAD TOLD ME
THAT THEY HEARD HER SAYING
SOME RUDE COMMENTS
DURING THE POOL PARTY.
SO I WILL PROBABLY,
FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING
ANY KIND OF BLOODY DRAMA,
KEEP MY DISTANCE.
- WHERE IS EVERYONE?
WHERE IS JOYCE?
- APPARENTLY SHE'S NOT COMING.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
GONNA TRY AND COME.
'CAUSE SHE HAD...
HER HUSBAND HAD A MEETING
OR A BIRTHDAY DINNER.
- OH, RIGHT.
- AND THEN YOLANDA...
- YOLANDA HAS HER STEPDAUGHTER'S
WEDDING.
- FILET MIGNON.
CRISPY POTATO CAKE
WITH THE GREEN PEPPERCORN AIOLI.
- YES, VERY GOOD.
- NAPKIN, KYLE?
- O-M-G.
- [laughs]
- YOU GOT ENGAGED.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- MM-HMM, LAST WEEK. THANK YOU.
- THAT'S SO EXCITING. MWAH.
- [coughs]
- [laughs]
- OH, THIS IS STRONG.
- IS IT? LET ME HAVE IT.
WHAT IS IT?
- I ASKED FOR A VODKA SODA.
- IT'S JAX TRYING
TO GET YOU DRUNK.
- UGH, THAT'S NOT...
IT WAS THE OTHER ONE.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S STRONG?
- NO, I COULD DOWN THAT IN ONE.
- I NEED TO SQUEEZE LEMON
INTO IT.
- YOU SHOULD HAVE VODKA SODA
WITH A DASH OF GRAPEFRUIT.
- NO, I DON'T WANT ANY SUGAR.
I WANT TO DO VODKA SODA.
THIS IS DOING A CLEANSE FOR MY...
- THIS IS A CLEANSE?
VODKA SODA? [laughs]
- YEAH.
- I WANT THAT CLEANSE.
OH, WELL, JUST HOLD ON TO IT
A SECOND.
- OKAY.
IT'S JUST 18,000 POUNDS...
OH, HI.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- THIS IS THE BIGGEST DRINK
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
- SAY SOMETHING TO SCHEANA
ABOUT HER GETTING MARRIED.
- LIKE WHAT?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK
TO SCHEANA
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED?
WE DON'T HAVE TO
GO BACK AND FORTH.
I KNOW YOU WERE
[bleep] MY HUSBAND.
- I KNOW. IT JUST...
- I GOT THAT. I GET THAT.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
I'M EVER GONNA
ESCAPE THIS WOMAN.
[upbeat strings music]
- WHERE'S KIM?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID THAT?
WHERE'S KIM?
- THEY SHOULD MAKE
T-SHIRTS THAT SAY THAT.
- WHERE IS KIM?
- KIM WENT TO SAN DIEGO WITH
KIMBERLY FOR HER ORIENTATION.
- OH, WOW. LOOK AT THIS.
WE HAVE, UH... WE HAVE...
- OOH! OH.
- OOH!
- OH!
[laughter]
- LISA SHOULD HAVE
PROBABLY JUST HIRED
MY TWO POLE DANCERS.
I MEAN, COME ON.
- JAX, HAVE YOU BEEN
GIVING THEM DRINKS?
- KEVIN?
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS.
- I KNOW THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.
- TELL THEM TO GET IN THE WATER.
YOU KIDDING ME?
[lively music]
- THEY'RE NOT
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS.
- THEY'RE DANCERS, I GUESS.
- OH, JEEZ.
- YOU REALLY LET US DOWN.
GET IN THERE NOW... - OKAY.
- AND DO SOME SYNCHRONIZED
SWIMMING.
- JAX.
JAX, YOU OKAY TO DO
THE SYNCHRONIZE WITH HIM?
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
- OH, YEAH. FOR SURE.
- WE'RE GONNA SYNCHRONIZED SWIM
NOW.
WE'RE GONNA GO ON TOUR. - OKAY.
- JAX'S GONNA ACTUALLY
SYNCHRONIZE [indistinct].
- [laughs]
- COME ON.
- LET'S DO IT.
- I TOLD KEVIN LEE SPECIFICALLY
WE WANT AQUATIC DANCERS.
SO I SUDDENLY THINK IF HE
SCREWED UP ON THE ENTERTAINMENT,
HE'S GONNA BE THE ENTERTAINMENT.
- [both laugh]
- DON'T GET OUT JUST YET, GIRLS.
- WE'VE GOT SOME
FRIENDS JOINING YOU.
[laughter] - WHAT IS THIS?
- [screams]
[crowd cheering, laughing]
- I THINK REALLY IT'S PROBABLY
KEVIN'S FANTASY
TO BE THROWN OVER JAX'S
SHOULDER.
SWIM OFF INTO THE SUNSET.
- KEVIN,
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM?
- I DON'T!
[cheering, squealing]
- KEVIN LEE IN HIS UNDERWEAR?
I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
PAYING FOR THAT, TOO.
[upbeat music]
- OKAY, DARLINGS, SHOULD WE GO
AND HAVE DINNER?
IS EVERYBODY HERE?
- YEAH.
- OKAY, WHO'S HUNGRY?
LET'S GO.
♪♪ ♪♪
- WOW. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
- THIS AMAZING TABLE
LOOKS LIKE A SHOWPIECE.
IT'S MYSTICAL AND ELEGANT
AND ROSES EVERYWHERE
AND CRYSTALS.
I LOVE IT.
IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
[glass clinking]
- HEY, HEY, EVERYBODY.
- KEN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING,
AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY...
[stammers]
- YES.
- THIS IS MY BUDDY.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.
I WANTED TO WISH HIM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- [laughs]
- THERE HE IS.
THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.
- THAT WAS AMAZING.
[applause]
- OKAY, SHOULD WE SAY SOMETHING?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
- GO ON THEN.
- I MEAN,
I HAVE NOTHING PLANNED.
- WELL, GO ON THEN.
- WE WANTED TO CELEBRATE
MAURICIO AND KEN TONIGHT,
AND WE WANTED TO KEEP IT
SMALL AND INTIMATE, SO...
- SO EVERYONE
GET THE [bleep] OUT.
[laughter]
OH, AND ELEGANT,
AND I FORGOT THAT PART.
I SHOULD QUICKLY...
- LOOK WHERE YOU ARE.
JUST LET'S TAKE THE F-WORD,
YOU TWO,
OUT OF THE EQUATION FOR TONIGHT.
- NO!
- NO.
- ANYWAY, THANK YOU GUYS
ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE,
AND WE'RE CELEBRATING YOU GUYS,
AND YOU REALLY ARE THE BEST
HUSBAND, THE BEST DADDY...
- OH, YOU ARE THE BEST
HUSBAND...
- THE BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD.
- AND THE BEST...
WHAT IS IT? HOLD ON.
- THE BEST HUSBAND,
THE BEST DADDY.
- YOU ARE THE BEST HUSBAND,
THE BEST DADDY...
- THE BEST FRIEND...
- THE BEST FRIEND...
- AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- AND I WANT YOU
TO HAVE FUN TONIGHT.
- I'M SUPER SHOCKED THAT
KYLE AND LISA ARE B.F.F.s AGAIN.
- [laughs]
- THIS IS WEIRD.
- THANK YOU GUYS
ALL FOR BEING HERE,
AND HAVE FUN,
AND ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL DINNER.
- THANK YOU, DARLING.
[applause]
- COMING UP...
- LET ME TALK FOR ONE SECOND.
- NO.
NO, AND DON'T YOU
DARE COMMAND ME.
YOU DON'T [bleep]
DARE COMMAND ME.
- OH, GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
YOU GUYS ARE SUCH
GREAT GENTLEMEN.
IN NEW YORK, WHEN SOMETHING
IS REALLY WONDERFUL,
THEY SAY, "FORGET ABOUT IT."
FORGET ABOUT IT.
FORGET IT. IT'S SO GREAT.
- WHO'S FROM NEW YORK?
- SO I WROTE A SONG
FOR YOU GUYS,
AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT!
♪♪ MAURICIO AND KEN
WERE WALKING DOWN RODEO ♪♪
♪♪ LOOKING SO FINE ♪♪
[guests cheering]
- ♪♪ AND KYLE AND LISA
TOOK ONE LOOK ♪♪
♪♪ AND SAID WE'RE GONNA
GIVE THEM A GOOD TIME ♪♪
- WHOO.
- YEAH.
- ♪♪ I NEVER SEEN SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ THEY GONNA ROCK YOU
ON YOUR BIRTHDAY NIGHT ♪♪
- WHOO!
- ♪♪ SO FORGET ABOUT IT, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOYS ♪♪
ALL TOGETHER.
All: ♪♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOYS ♪♪
- ONE MORE TIME.
All: ♪♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOYS ♪♪
- AH, AH, AH, FORGET ABOUT IT.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- I NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM.
I'LL GO THAT WAY.
- WHERE IS SHE GOING?
- THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX
IN THE BATHROOM.
THAT'S HOW THEY MET. [laughs]
- COME ON, GIRLS.
THEY WANT SOME WINE.
- THE GUYS ARE SUPPOSED
TO TAKE CARE OF THE WINE.
- THAT'S THE BOYS'
RESPONSIBILITY.
- ARE YOU CAUSING
PROBLEMS AGAIN?
LIKE, HE LIKES TO FIGHT
WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
JUST TO MAKE HIMSELF RELEVANT.
- WELL, IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY,
SO HE CAN FIGHT
WITH WHOEVER HE WANTS.
- HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR HAND?
- BEATING THE [bleep]
OUT OF, UM, A GUY.
- YOU'RE LUCKY SHE DIDN'T
BEAT THE [bleep] OUT OF YOU,
'CAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE BROKEN...
- WELL, THIS RING MIGHT
HAVE MADE AN INDENT, SO...
- OH, CUTE.
- YOU'D HAVE BROKEN
THE OTHER HAND THEN.
- THANKS.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- YOU'RE NOT HAPPY FOR ME...
- I HAVE A DIFFERENT OUTLOOK
ON MARRIAGE THAN I USED TO.
- I AGREE.
- THANKS PARTLY TO YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- BUT... OH, THAT WASN'T
A COMPLIMENT.
- I'M JUST SAYING...
- IT'S SUPER AWKWARD.
- NO, NO, BUT I DO THINK...
NO, NO, IT'S FINE.
BUT I DON'T THINK I BELIEVE
IN MARRIAGE ANYMORE.
IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT
EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
WHY THE [bleep] DOES
SCHEANA CARE
IF I AM HAPPY FOR HER OR NOT?
LIKE, WHY... SHOULD I THROW HER
A WEDDING SHOWER?
CONGRATULATIONS.
- IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.
- THANK YOU.
- [indistinct].
WALK AWAY WITH THAT.
- EVERYONE GRAB
A MEAT AND A FISH.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- CAN WE DO SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE FUN RIGHT NOW?
- WHY DON'T YOU GET NAKED
AND DO A LITTLE DANCE?
- YOU CAN DO ONE OF
YOUR, UM, JEWISH DANCES.
- ♪♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪♪
- ONE OF YOUR JEWISH DANCES.
Both: ♪♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪♪
- ♪♪ HAVA ♪♪ [humming]
- ANDY, YOU GOOD DOWN THERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SINGING NOW?
- JEWISH SONGS.
- OH, YEAH.
♪♪ THE DREIDEL,
DREIDEL, DREIDEL ♪♪
♪♪ WE MADE IT OUT OF CLAY ♪♪
- YOU'RE GOOD.
- THAT'S REALLY OFFENSIVE.
[laughter]
- THAT'S IMPRESSIVE, BRANDI.
- I KNOW, I TOLD HER
THAT WAS OFFENSIVE.
- YOU'RE VERY GOOD.
- MY HUSBAND DOESN'T THINK
ANYTHING I SAY IS FUNNY.
- HE DOESN'T THINK
I'M FUNNY EITHER.
IT'S SO ANNOYING.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- BUT WE HAVE OUR FRIENDS
TO LAUGH WITH.
- WELL, HE JUST RECENTLY
CHANGED HIS MIND.
- SO NOW YOU THINK SHE'S FUNNY.
- [laughs]
- OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON?
ARE YOU GUYS... ARE YOU
BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND,
OR WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
- I THINK IT'S KIND OF IRONIC
THAT I JUST FINISHED A BOOK
ABOUT BEING SINGLE,
AND HERE I AM AGAIN WITH J.R.,
MY ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN.
- I MEAN, YOU GUYS PLAY SO MANY
GAMES WITH EACH OTHER.
- IT'S SO FUN.
- WHY IS IT, THOUGH?
- IT'S SO FUN.
- ISN'T LIFE SO MUCH BETTER
WHEN IT'S UNCOMPLICATED,
AND YOU WAKE UP
NEXT TO THE SAME PERSON...
- NO, IT'S SO [bleep] BORING.
- I MEAN... NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
- THEN YOU KNOW EXACTLY
HOW THE SEX IS GONNA BE.
- THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL THING.
- IT'S GONNA BE
SUPER [bleep] BORING.
- WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW THE SEX IS GONNA BE.
NO, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.
- CHEERS!
- HOLD ON.
I HAVE A PHILOSOPHY HERE.
- OH, MY GOD.
- THIS IS... THIS IS NOT GOOD.
- SORRY, GET READY
TO BRACE YOURSELF.
I LEARNED A LOT FROM
BRANDI THE OTHER DAY IN OUR...
- [laughs]
- IN OUR SELF-DEFENSE CLASS.
J.R., DON'T PRETEND
THAT YOU'RE BUSY.
- SORRY, I'M LI... SORRY.
- LISTEN UP.
NO, SO WHEN BRANDI HIT
THE GUY, SHE WAS HURT.
SHE WAS IN PAIN.
SHE DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW.
SHE PUT A WALL UP AROUND HER,
AND THAT'S WHAT SHE'S DOING
WITH YOU, J.R.
AND I'M JUST GONNA LAY IT
ALL OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.
I'M SORRY TO BREAK DOWN THE WALL
IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
- YEAH, I DON'T LIKE
TO ASK FOR HELP.
- DOESN'T WANT TO ASK FOR HELP.
SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO SEEM VULNERABLE.
- AND I DON'T LIKE
TO GET TO INVESTED.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO SEEM
VULNERABLE AND DON'T WANT TO BE
TOO INVESTED 'CAUSE YOU DON'T
WANT TO GET HURT.
- IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.
- SO SHE JOKES.
- THEN I BREAK MY HAND.
- THEY JOKE AND WHATEVER,
BUT THEY REALLY DO HAVE
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
I'M JUST GONNA SAY.
- KYLE'S PRETTY ON POINT
WITH HER ASSESSMENT,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
J.R. DOES THE SAME THING.
EVERY TIME I GO IN DEEPER,
HE PULLS AWAY.
WHEN I PULL AWAY,
HE GOES IN DEEPER.
IT'S A GIANT CATASTROPHE.
[laughs] AND CHEERS.
- BEFORE THIS GETS
COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL...
- OH! OH, WOW.
- HEY, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
- SO I'M GONNA SEE A PICTURE.
- LISA'S NAKED, FOR SURE.
- ANOTHER NIPPLE SHOT.
- 1/3 OF A NIPPLE.
- 1/3 OF A NIPPLE.
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
- IS THERE A NIPPLE?
LET'S SEE.
- MY GOD, IT IS OBSCENE.
- I WANT TO SEE IT.
- I AM TAKING THIS
AND THROWING IT AWAY.
IT'S [bleep] OBSCENE.
-
WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?
I WANT TO SEE. I WANT TO SEE.
- IT'S DISGUSTING. NO, NO, NO.
[all speaking simultaneously]
all: AW.
- OH, THAT IS SO CUTE.
[laughter]
- THAT'S SO RIDICULOUS.
- IT'S LIKE LOOKING
IN THE MIRROR.
- LOOK AT THAT.
- HE LOOKS SO MUCH
LIKE YOU, KEN.
IT'S AMAZING. - HE REALLY DOES.
- HE DOES.
- I ACTUALLY TRY
TO LOOK LIKE HIM NOW.
- OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
- THAT'S SO CUTE.
- WAIT, BUT SPEAKING
OF 1/3 OF A NIPPLE,
WILL YOU EXPLAIN TO HER HOW,
LIKE,
THAT WAS YOUR JOKE
ABOUT 1/3 OF A...
- NO, IT WASN'T.
- TO HER?
- EXPLAIN TO HER BECAUSE
I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HER...
- STOP SAYING [bleep] "HER."
PSYCHOTIC.
- OH, MY GOSH, CARLTON.
- NO, NO.
- RELAX.
- NO, I WON'T RELAX.
- WHEN YOU REFER TO
SOMEBODY AS "HER"...
- YEAH.
- IT'S LIKE THEY'RE IRRELEVANT.
- WELL, SHE HAS A LOT OF
PROBLEMS WITH ME SO FAR,
BUT WE WORKED
THROUGH THEM, RIGHT?
- NO, ACTUALLY.
- WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW?
- WELL, OKAY, SO I'VE HAD
THIS FEELING
YOU'VE BEEN TALKING [bleep]
ABOUT ME.
SO IT WAS CONFIRMED WHEN,
AT MY PARTY...
- I'VE BEEN
TALKING [bleep] ABOUT YOU?
- YES.
SO IT WAS CONFIRMED AT MY PARTY
WITH A FEW FRIENDS OF MINE
THAT YOU WERE
STANDING IN THE BATHROOM LINE
WAITING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM...
- YEAH.
- AND I HAD... MY FRIENDS...
MY GUESTS,
AND YOU SAID OUT LOUD,
"EW, I'M NOT GOING
IN THIS BATHROOM.
GROSS."
- SOMEBODY DID A POOPY.
UGH. OH, MY GOD.
CARLTON, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- NO, I'M NOT.
- YOU HAVE A NICE HUSBAND.
YOU HAVE THESE BEAUTIFUL KIDS.
WHAT ARE YOU SO ANGRY ABOUT?
- YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
SOME NASTY LITTLE SNIDE REMARKS,
AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
- THIS IS MY HUSBAND'S
BIRTHDAY TONIGHT...
- OH, I DON'T CARE.
- I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE.
I CAN SEE THAT.
- NO, I DON'T. NO, I DON'T.
- I DON'T THINK THAT YOU
WOULD BE THE TYPE
THAT WOULD CARE, PROBABLY,
BUT I HAVE NOT SAID
ANYTHING RUDE.
- WHY WOULD I NOT BE
THE TYPE TO CARE?
- I HAVE BEEN NOTHING
BUT [bleep] NICE TO YOU.
- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
[bleep] NICE TO ME.
- WHAT HAVE I NOT...
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
- NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
- OH, WE ALMOST
HAD A GOOD NIGHT.
- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?
- YOU ARE VERY
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
YOU'VE DONE...
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
- YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING WITH ME SINCE DAY ONE.
- NO, I HAVEN'T. NO, I HAVEN'T.
- I'VE BEEN NOTHING
BUT NICE TO YOU.
- NO, I HAVEN'T.
I HAVE A VERY GOOD INTUITION.
- I MADE AN ATTEMPT TO GET
TO KNOW YOU...
I'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT NICE.
I'VE GONE OUT OF MY WAY
TO KNOW YOU.
- YEAH, AND I WENT OUT
OF MY WAY TO LET YOU KNOW,
RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THAT...
- YEAH, YOU SAT THERE, AND...
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?
OH, YOU SAID,
"LISA'S 3/4 OF A NIPPLE."
THAT WAS LISA'S JOKE.
WHEN THEY... WHEN THE...
- YES, BUT... I'M SORRY, BUT...
- LET ME TALK.
- NO.
- LET ME TALK FOR ONE SECOND.
- NO, NO, AND DON'T
YOU DARE COMMAND ME.
YOU DON'T [bleep]
DARE COMMAND ME.
- COOL YOUR JETS, OKAY?
- NO, YOU COOL YOUR JETS.
- I'M GONNA SAY
SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
- NO, DON'T. DON'T.
- CARLTON.
QUIT LOOKING FOR
A PROBLEM, OKAY.
LISA, REMEMBER WHEN
THE TABLOID SAID
YOU DID A PORNO, AND IT WAS
A JOKE, AND WE LAUGHED?
- [laughs] YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY
TO ME AS A JOKE?
- IT WASN'T A WHOLE NIPPLE.
IT WAS 3/4 OF A NIPPLE.
- EXACTLY.
SO I SAID, "OH,
IT'S 3/4 OF A NIPPLE,"
TAKING LISA'S JOKE,
WHICH I EXPLAINED TO YOU.
WELL, 3/4 OF A NIPPLE.
WHOOP-DEE-DOO.
- LISA'S LITTLE NIPPLE ACTION.
[laughs]
- TALKING ABOUT
SOMEBODY'S NIPPLE
WHEN I'M MEETING YOU
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I FIND THAT DISRESPECTFUL.
- YOU'RE SO OFFENDED BY NIPPLES?
I'M SORRY.
NIPPLES GREETED ME
AT YOUR DOOR AT YOUR PARTY.
I LIKE YOUR DRESS.
- [laughs]
- WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
[all laugh]
- SO SHE JUST CONFIRMED
THAT SHE'S THE ONE WHO SAID
THAT, OKAY?
SO YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT
OFF YOUR LIST, THEN, RIGHT?
- OH, I WON'T.
I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD A LIST.
- OF COURSE YOU WON'T.
- YEAH, BECAUSE YOU HAVE
A [indistinct] LIST.
- AND THEN...
NO, I DON'T HAVE A LIST.
I THOUGHT WE WERE ACTUALLY
ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
- OH, COME ON. REALLY?
- I ACTUALLY DID.
CALL ME A FOOL.
I THOUGHT WE WERE.
AT YOUR PARTY, WHEN I GAVE YOU
MY NECKLACE, YOU SAID,
"OH, IT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME."
- OH, BY THE WAY...
TAKE IT OFF, LIKE,
THE MINUTE I GAVE YOU
A COMPLIMENT.
IT'S NOT FROM
A GENUINE PLACE, KYLE,
AND THAT'S WHAT I FEEL
ABOUT YOU.
- YOU DIDN'T NEED
TO TAKE IT, CARLTON.
YOU LIKE IT? - I DO.
- KEEP IT.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I PUT... LISTEN, IT'S IN WATER.
- YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN IT BACK.
- IT'S IN WATER.
THAT NECKLACE WENT RIGHT INTO
A GLASS OF DISTILLED WATER
'CAUSE I WAS CLEANSING IT,
AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT WHATEVER HER DEAL IS
ISN'T ON IT.
- THEN YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU'RE A PHONY,
AND YOU'RE FULL OF [bleep],
BECAUSE YOU SAID TO ME...
- NO, YOU'RE A PHONY,
AND YOU'RE FULL OF [bleep].
- YOU SAID TO ME, "THANK YOU."
IT'S MORE THAN THAT. - YEAH.
- SO YOU WERE LYING?
- BY THE WAY, FOR SOMEBODY
WHO'S JEWISH,
YOU THOUGHT THE STAR
ON THE BACK OF MY NECK
WAS A JEWISH STAR WHEN YOU KNOW
I'M BLOODY WICCA,
SO, PLEASE. BULL[bleep].
- BY THE WAY,
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE JUDGED
FOR BEING A WICCAN,
THEN DON'T ACT LIKE A WITCH.
- COMING UP...
- DON'T YOU [bleep]
DARE GO THERE.
DON'T YOU [bleep] DARE.
- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
JUDGED FOR BEING A WICCAN,
THEN DON'T ACT LIKE A WITCH.
- AND THERE IT IS.
AND THERE IT [bleep] IS.
- YOU HAVE BEEN RUDE.
YOU HAVE BEEN RUDE.
- YOU ARE NASTY, DISGUSTING.
- YOU'VE BEEN JUDGING.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT...
AND YOU SAID TO ME,
"ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME
ABOUT THAT?
A JEWISH STAR?" - YEAH.
- OBVIOUSLY,
YOU'RE ANTI-SEMITIC.
- OH, YOU SEE.
AND THERE IT IS. OF COURSE.
- SHE'S MAKING FUN OF ME.
- AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
AND YOU JUST PROVED IT.
YOU LABEL.
THERE'S NOTHING
ANTI-SEMITIC ABOUT ME,
AND DON'T YOU [bleep]
DARE GO THERE.
DON'T YOU [bleep] DARE.
NO.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU SAY,
ANTI-SEMITIC?
HOW CAN YOU EVEN... HOW...
- OKAY, I SAID TO YOU,
"IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?"
AND YOU SAID TO ME,
"ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?"
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID TO ME.
- 'CAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS WICCAN.
- LET IT GO NOW.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
BLOODY POINTS ARE ON A BLOODY...
OH, PLEASE.
- I COULDN'T SEE
THE WHOLE THING,
AND THERE'S CONFESSIONALS
AT HER HOUSE,
AND THERE'S CROSSES,
AND SHE'S A WICCAN.
MAYBE SHE HAS A JEWISH STAR.
WHAT DO I KNOW?
WHY WOULD I SAY, "IS THAT
A JEWISH STAR" TO BE FUNNY?
YOU THINK I WAS DOING IT
TO BE RUDE?
- YES, ABSOLUTELY.
- ASKING IF I THINK THE JEWISH
STAR IS RUDE WHEN I'M JEWISH?
- NO, DON'T KEEP TWISTING IT,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
- CARLTON IS SO DEAD-SET
ON THINKING EVERYTHING
I SAY AND DO IS WRONG THAT
THERE IS NO POINT IN ENGAGING
WITH HER BECAUSE SHE HAS
HER MIND MADE UP,
WHETHER OR NOT
SHE MAKES SENSE OR NOT.
- SO WHEN I HEARD THAT,
[indistinct].
- WELL, I JUST...
JUST FROM WHAT SHE JUST SAID
JUST PROVED MY POINT ABOUT HER.
- ONE THING ABOUT CARLTON.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PREJUDICED
BONE IN HER BODY.
- I AM NOT PREJUDICED.
- THAT'S IT.
I'M READY TO GO NOW. LET'S GO.
YEAH, I WANTED TO
GET OUT OF THERE.
- CARLTON, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
WHEN I SAID TO YOU,
"IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?"
DO YOU THINK
I MEANT THAT TO BE RUDE?
- I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU.
- I'M... NO, NO, NO, NO.
- NO, I'M DONE. I'M SORRY.
YOU'VE GOT VERBAL DIARRHEA.
I'M OVER YOU.
- OBVIOUSLY, I WOULDN'T MEAN
THAT TO BE RUDE WHEN I'M JEWISH.
- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? PLEASE.
YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH.
TRUST ME.
- OH, SHE IS SO DISGUSTING.
GOOD-BYE.
- CARLTON.
CARLTON. CARLTON.
- SHE'S BEING SILLY. SHE IS.
SHE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S NOT THERE.
- GUESS WHAT?
IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, GO HOME.
- I THINK THE STAR THING,
JUST BEING...
- NO, I DON'T WANT TO...
LISTEN, LISA...
- NO, I THINK THE STAR...
- I KNOW WHAT I KNOW.
- I DON'T... I THINK THAT
WAS A GENUINE MISTAKE.
- NO, IT WASN'T.
- THAT'S THE FIRST THING.
WELL... - YOU'RE WRONG.
- I KNOW DIDDLY-SQUAT ABOUT
PENTAGRAMS, STAR OF DAVIDS.
YOU KNOW,
I WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE ONE
IF IT HIT ME ON THE HEAD,
SO IS IT
AN EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE?
I THINK IT WOULD BE.
- IF YOUR RELIGION IS
THAT YOU'RE JEWISH...
- YEAH.
- AND THAT'S YOUR FAITH,
THEN YOU RECOGNIZE
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A FIVE-POINTED STAR
AND A SIX-POINTED STAR.
NOW, FOR HER TO CALL ME
ANTI-SEMITIC,
THAT IS JUST UNACCEPTABLE.
- OKAY, YEAH.
- YEAH.
- I HAVE MADE AN EFFORT
WITH HER.
- SHE WAS WRONG.
JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.
SHE'S LEFT, AND SHE'S GONE.
I'VE HAD MY OWN FAIR SHARE
OF ILL WILL WITH KYLE,
BUT I DO THINK THAT CARLTON
TOOK THIS A LITTLE TOO FAR.
BUT AT LEAST THERE'S NO SPELLS.
- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- SO REMEMBER WE WERE INVITED
TO CARLTON AND DAVID'S PARTY
THAT HE'S HAVING
FOR HIS COMPANY?
- YEAH.
- I AM NO LONGER INVITED.
- I HAVE NEVER, EVER IN MY LIFE
BEEN ACCUSED OF SOMETHING
SO HEINOUS.
I LIVED IN SOUTH AFRICA
DURING APARTHEID,
SO WHEN SHE CALLS ME SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, IT CUTS ME.
- HOW'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH LISA?
- IT... YOU KNOW.
I'VE NEVER BEEN ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT.
- I DON'T WANT TO
BE EVER ON THAT SIDE.
- LISA'S NEVER ONCE ASKED ME
TO SAY ANYTHING FOR HER,
BUT I WAS BEING MANIPULATED
INTO DOING AND SAYING THINGS
THAT I DON'T WANT
TO [bleep] SAY.
I AM NOT EXCITED ABOUT BEING
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF LISA.
I'M NOT 100% PREPARED
TO GO UP AGAINST HER.
I JUST... I GOT PLAYED.
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I WAS NEVER GONNA
LET YOU BE HOMELESS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
- OH, WE'RE GONNA...
THE KIDS AND I
ARE GONNA MOVE
INTO YOUR APARTMENT?
- [chuckles] NO.
- [chuckles]
- OH, MY GOD.
- I DIDN'T THINK LISA AND KYLE
WERE ON SUCH GOOD TERMS.
- OH, MY GOD.
- BACK ON. BACK OFF.
BACK ON. BACK OFF.
- SO CHILDISH.
- I FEEL LIKE THERE WERE
A COUPLE OCCASIONS
THAT YOU SAID STUFF
THAT DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH ME.
- OH, MY GOD. THERE'S A BEE.
KILL IT FOR ME IF YOU LOVE ME.
- NO.
- WE'RE TOO OLD
FOR PEER PRESSURE.
- THIS IS NOTHING LIKE
PEER PRESSURE.
- THERE'S A MEXICAN EXPRESSION
WHEN SOMEONE'S
LOOKING FOR A PROBLEM.
CARLTON IS LOOKING
FOR TITS ON A MAN.
- OH, WOW.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- LOOKS GOOD.
- IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?
- REALLY?
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?
YOU CANNOT MISTAKE THE TWO.
- SPELLS ONLY GET TO YOU
WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN IT.
- DON'T [bleep]
COME AT ME AND SAY,
"I [bleep] DON'T BELIEVE THAT."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] YOU.
WHEN YOU GO HOME TONIGHT,
WATCH OUT.
- [laughs]
- MICHAEL GOT SO SICK.
IT WAS INSANE.
- I THINK CARLTON MIGHT HAVE
PUT A SPELL ON JOYCE'S HUSBAND.
IF I WERE HER, I WOULDN'T
WANT TO MESS AROUND.
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER
YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.
- YOU COULD NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY, LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HEY, DARLING.
- YES?
- YOU'VE GOT TO
VACUUM THAT MAT THERE.
- YEAH.
- IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
YOU GOT TO DO IT, LIKE, TWICE.
- YES, MISS.
- IT'S KEN'S BIRTHDAY
THIS WEEKEND,
SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE A DINNER,
BUT WE'VE ONLY GOT A COUPLE
OF DAYS TO PUT IT TOGETHER.
KEVIN'S IN CHARGE, SO
WE'VE GOT TO WATCH OUR BUDGET,
BUT HE ALWAYS BRINGS IT HOME.
HEY, HI.
- HELLO, DEAR. MWAH.
- EXCUSE ME.
- HEY, HI. SIT DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT.
- KYLE'S COMING IN A MINUTE.
- OH, GREAT.
SO WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING?
SOME KIND OF BIRTHDAY
PARTY OR SOMETHING?
- KEN'S BIRTHDAY...
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND MAURICIO,
KEN AND MAURICIO'S, YEAH.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- YEAH.
- MAURICIO AND KEN'S TOGETHER?
- NO, THEY'RE KIND OF
AROUND THE SAME WEEK.
- ALL RIGHT.
WE DO SOMETHING SH-SH-SH
RIGHT AWAY, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
KYLE CAUGHT ME.
I SAID, "WELL, IT'S
KEN'S BIRTHDAY THIS WEEKEND.
WHEN'S MAURICIO'S BIRTHDAY?"
SHE SAID,
"OH, IT WAS A MONTH AGO,
BUT WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING."
SO I SAID, "WELL, PERFECT.
WE'LL HAVE A JOINT PARTY."
THEY ADORE EACH OTHER.
SIMPLE AS THAT.
I THINK... YEAH, OKAY,
WE WANT TO DO A DINNER,
BUT ALL... WE'LL DECIDE TOGETHER.
- THAT'D BE FANTASTIC.
- SO CAN YOU DO IT?
- CAN DO IT, OF COURSE.
I HAVE MAGIC HANDS,
SO I CAN DO IT.
[laughs]
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU DO
WITH THOSE MAGIC HANDS AS WELL.
- HELLO.
- HEY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY, KYLE.
MWAH, MWAH.
- [laughs]
- HI, DARLING. SIT DOWN.
- OH, YOU ALREADY... OKAY.
- [indistinct]
- YES, MA'AM.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- WHAT DO I WANT?
- GLASS OF WINE? CUP OF TEA?
- I'M GONNA HAVE A LATTE.
- KYLE, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD
TO HAVE A BLACK TIE
FOR THAT FEW PEOPLE, BUT WE
REALLY WANT IT TO BE ELEGANT.
- NO.
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- OF COURSE, YOU DON'T.
- NO.
- I THINK FEW PEOPLE... THERE'S
SOMETHING REALLY ELEGANT,
VERY CHIC, AND I LOVE IT.
- YEAH, OF COURSE.
PEOPLE LIKE TO DRESS UP.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, DEFINITELY.
- AFTER CARLTON'S PARTY...
- OH, HEY.
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
- I JUST SAW VAGINA.
- WE DECIDED WE WANTED
TO SOMETHING A LITTLE...
EXTREMELY DIFFERENT.
- FOOD.
- YEAH?
- WILL YOU ORGANIZE THAT?
- YOU DON'T WANT TO BRING
YOUR OWN FOOD?
YOU HAVE A... TWO RESTAURANTS.
WHY NOT? - NO, NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY.
IT'S, LIKE, KEN'S BIRTHDAY.
I WANT TO RELAX, YOU KNOW?
- OH, OKAY.
I HAVE A FABULOUS CATERER.
CAN YOU BRING JUST A BARTENDER
AND THEN A... JUST A COUPLE
OF PEOPLE CAN HELP US OUT?
- I'LL BRING TWO GUYS
FOR THE BAR...
- ALL RIGHT.
- AND I'LL BRING TWO GIRLS
TO PASS SOME DRINKS, OKAY?
- OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
- SO, PEOPLE.
WHO SHOULD WE HAVE?
- LISA, KEN, KYLE, MAURICIO.
- PANDY, JASON.
- PANDY AND JASON. FARRAH.
- MAX WON'T COME.
HE'S ALREADY SAID HE'S TAKING
HIS DAD OUT TO LUNCH.
- WE'LL HAVE KIM AND BRANDI.
IS YOLANDA HERE?
- SHE'S HAVING HER DAUGHTER'S
WEDDING OR SOMETHING.
- NO, NOT HER DAUGHTER'S.
- OH, IT'S HER STEPDAUGHTER'S...
- OH, IT'S HER STEPDAUGHTER'S
WEDDING.
YEAH, YEAH.
- SO ON THE SAME NIGHT?
- YEAH. YEAH.
- OH.
- THAT'S DAVID'S
DAUGHTER'S WEDDING?
- YEAH. I THINK SO.
- YOU WEREN'T INVITED?
- I ONLY MET HER ONCE.
- YOU'RE PART OF HER DREAM TEAM.
YOU SHOULD BE INVITED.
- I'M CLEARLY NOT.
- INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST.
- SHALL I INVITE
CARLTON AND DAVID?
- NO, CARLTON AND I
ARE ACTUALLY FINE.
SHE HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME
IN THE BEGINNING.
WE'RE FINE NOW,
BUT I MEAN, WE'RE NOT, LIKE...
WE DON'T HANG OUT.
WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.
- SHE COULD BE ON MY LIST
OR WE'LL SPLIT IT UP.
- OH, I SEE.
YOU MEAN, IF WE'RE GETTING
EACH SIX COUPLES...
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
AND YOU TAKE JOYCE
AND MICHAEL THEN.
- WHO MAKES TEAMS UP?
I MEAN, GIVE ME A BREAK.
UM, OKAY.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HOW ARE YOU GUYS AND GIRLS?
- HEY, GORGEOUS.
- [laughs] YOU AND YOUR SHORTS.
- HEY.
- MY SECOND BOOK
WILL BE OUT SOON.
THE MOST EXCITING THING
TO ME ABOUT THE SECOND BOOK
IS THAT IT'S NOT ABOUT
MY EX-HUSBAND.
IT'S ABOUT ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.
- LET'S GO LOOK AT
THE CLOTHES AND STUFF.
- ALL RIGHT. IT'LL BE FUN. YEAH.
UNLIKE IN LIFE, BOOKS ARE
ACTUALLY JUDGED BY THEIR COVERS,
AND MY FIRST COVER WENT SO WELL,
I WANT TO USE THE SAME TEAM
FOR THE SECOND COVER.
- THIS ONE HAS
A CUTOUT ON THE SIDES,
BUT I WISH IT WAS
A LITTLE SHORTER.
- YEAH, IT'S JUST KIND OF
WAH-WAH.
- YEAH.
- WE'VE BEEN BRAINSTORMING
IDEAS FOR THE COVER,
AND I THINK WE'VE COME UP
WITH SOME GOOD ONES.
- I COULD SEE
A FEATHER DUSTER WITH THAT.
- I COULD SEE THAT WITH THE...
KIND OF MAID-ISH.
WE DID TALK ABOUT SHOWING,
YOU KNOW,
THE SUPERMOM WITH
THE FRYING PAN AND NO MAKE-UP.
- WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE WITH A...
both: PINK BRA? - AMAZING.
- THAT'S KIND OF EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
THERE'S MORE TO ME
THAN JUST A PARTY GIRL.
I'M A MOTHER OF TWO,
AND I WORK AT THE SCHOOL,
AND I DRIVE CARPOOL,
AND I GO GROCERY SHOPPING,
AND I PUT KIDS IN TIME-OUTS
FOR CUSSING, THANK YOU.
OH, WHAT...
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE
LIKE THAT IN THE BACK?
- SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.
- YEAH.
HI. - BRANDI.
- HELLO. YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.
- IT'S SO GREAT
TO MEET YOU IN PERSON.
- YOU TOO.
- HI, AUSTIN.
- HI, NANCY.
- NANCY, I'M SO SORRY.
THIS IS SALVADOR.
- HI, NANCY. NICE TO MEET YOU.
- I KNOW ALL THESE VOICES
'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN TALKING
ON THE PHONE.
- I KNOW, AND WE'VE HAD, LIKE,
A BREAKFAST CONFERENCE CALL.
- HI, SALVADOR.
- NANCY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- MY LAST BOOK EDITOR,
WHO I ADORE,
WAS KIND OF A PUSSY, AND NANCY'S
THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.
SHE'S LIKE,
"SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY."
- OH, I LIKE THIS BETTER.
- I DON'T LIKE THAT DRESS.
- IS IT ME?
- REALLY?
- I FEEL LIKE IT'S...
- I DON'T LIKE IT.
- WE CAN EASILY EXAGGERATE
THE SHAPE IN POST
AND MAKE IT MORE... YOU KNOW.
SO THERE'S DEFINITELY
THINGS WE CAN DO.
- I THINK THAT IS
A LOT OF WORK TO DO
FOR A DRESS THAT DOESN'T WORK.
- ACTUALLY, IT'S EASY
TO DO THE WORK, BUT...
- THAT ISN'T COVER-WORTHY,
YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE...
WHAT IS THAT CONCEPT?
I DON'T GET THE CONCEPT.
IT DOESN'T FIT YOU PERFECTLY.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
THEY'LL ADJUST THAT.
BUT I JUST...
I DON'T LIKE THAT DRESS.
- YEAH, I KNOW. I... I...
NANCY?
SHE'S, LIKE, NO BULL[bleep],
AND SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME.
- THIS DRESS DOES NOT
LOOK LIKE YOU TO ME.
- RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA TRY THIS ON.
ALL RIGHT.
- SO WHAT ARE WE THINKING ABOUT
ANOTHER DRESS
FOR THAT PARTICULAR COVER...
- WELL, THE ONE SHE'S TRYING ON.
- OH, SHE'S GOT ANOTHER
ONE SHE'S PUTTING ON.
- YEAH.
- OKAY, GOOD.
- WE'RE AT, LIKE, OUR FOURTH
DRESS IN, TRYING ON, SO...
- AHA. AND ARE THEY ALL BLACK?
[camera shutter snapping]
[pop music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- BURNING. BURNING HOT.
ON FIRE.
- I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING
THE GLOVES
WITH DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS.
- HERE, GIVE ME THE GLOVE.
- OH.
- SEE HOW MANY OF THESE
YOU CAN...
- HOLD?
- WITH YOUR...
- INJURED HAND?
- LIKE, YOU'RE TRYING TO
HOLD SOMETHING,
LIKE, BUT YOU CAN'T.
- I JUST WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT FOR A LITTLE BIT.
- YEAH.
- I'M WONDERING ABOUT
MOVING THE ROLLING PIN
'CAUSE IT'S HAMPERING HER
A LITTLE BIT.
- RIGHT.
THIS CONCEPT WAS, LIKE,
SHE'S JUGGLING ALL THESE THINGS
OF HOMELIFE.
- RIGHT - THAT WAS...
- BUT THAT ISN'T
THE TOPIC OF THE BOOK.
- HMM.
- THAT'S THE THING, YOU KNOW.
THE BOOK IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.
- YEAH.
OKAY.
- NANCY'S GIVING ME THE MONEY,
SO I HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS.
I AM HER BITCH.
- YEAH, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
[pop music]
- BUT LOOK HOW GREAT SHE LOOKS.
HOW COULD ANYBODY NOT LIKE THAT?
- OH, IT'S SO GOOD.
SO GOOD.
- THAT IS SO ADORABLE.
- OH, THAT'S IT.
BEAUTIFUL.
- I HOPE NANCY'S RIGHT,
BUT I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT
WHEN THE BOOK COMES OUT.
- CHECK OUT THIS ONE.
- I LOVE IT. IT'S PERFECT.
- IT'S GO...
- YOU GOT IT.
WHOO! - [laughs]
- CONGRATULATIONS.
WHOO.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HI.
- I GOT AN INVITATION
FROM JOYCE TO GO TO LUNCH,
WHICH WAS UNUSUAL, AND...
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW WHY EXACTLY.
- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HERE?
I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE. - NO.
- IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?
- SO HOW WE DOING OVER HERE?
- OVERWHELMED BY
YOUR BIG BEAUTIFUL MENU.
- OVERWHELMED? AH.
- WE GET OVERWHELMED
WHEN WE SEE SO MUCH.
- THERE YOU GO.
WELL, THE LUNCH...
THE CHICKEN CREPE
IS REALLY GOOD.
- I'LL TRY THAT,
BUT I WANT IT WITH FRENCH FRIES.
IT COMES WITH...
- YEAH, IT COMES
WITH THE FRENCH FRIES.
- PERFECT.
- OKAY, SO ONE CHICKEN CREPE.
- IT'S THE SKINNY POMMES FRITES?
- THEY ARE.
- OKAY, SO TWO OF THOSE.
- THE SAME, TWO.
- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- SO, YEAH, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT KIND OF WHAT WENT DOWN
THE OTHER DAY AT YOLANDA'S...
- YES?
- AND, UM...
- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
- THIS IS THE PROBLEM I HAVE.
YOUR FLIPPANCY
WITH WHAT I BELIEVE IN.
- WHAT'S FLIPPANCY?
- YOU'RE VERY
DISMISSIVE ABOUT IT.
- I HAVEN'T BEEN FLIPPANTY.
- BLESS HER LITTLE HEART.
[laughs]
I KNOW THIS IS
HER SECOND LANGUAGE.
- ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
- THAT LOOKS YUMMY.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- I RESPECT
EVERYBODY'S RELIGION.
I RESPECT YOUR RELIGION.
I RESPECT KYLE'S RELIGION,
WHO IS JEWISH.
WHAT I NEED TO KNOW FROM YOU...
THAT YOU'RE NOT DOING
ANY SPELLS...
- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?
- NO, NO.
I DON'T TAKE ANY
RELIGION LIGHTLY.
LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID,
"IS THAT A CHALLENGE?
THEN GO HOME AND SEE
WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT"?
REMEMBER? - MM-HMM.
- THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
WE GO TO DINNER,
MY HUSBAND AND I.
WE BOTH ATE THE SAME THING.
20 MINUTES LATER, I'VE NOT
SEEN MY HUSBAND THIS SICK...
I'VE BEEN WITH HIM
FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS.
I'VE NOT SEEN MY HUSBAND
THIS SICK EVER.
- YOU'RE SAYING
THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED?
- IT DID.
- COMING UP...
- DON'T EVER ASK ME
IF I WOULD DO ANYTHING
TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY.
- DOES IT HURT, THE FIRST ONE?
[screeches]
- REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID,
"IS THAT A CHALLENGE?
THEN GO HOME AND SEE
WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT"?
- MM-HMM.
- I'VE NOT SEEN MY HUSBAND
THIS SICK EVER.
- YOU'RE SAYING THAT
SOMETHING HAPPENED?
- IT DID.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
I PRACTICED
IN THE DARK SIDE OF WICCA,
AND THEN I STARTED TO PAY
A PRICE AS I GOT OLDER
BECAUSE NONE OF THAT'S FOR FREE.
AND I INVITED A LOT OF DARKNESS
INTO MY LIFE.
BUT WHEN I HAD CHILDREN,
I KNEW THAT IT HAD TO STOP.
NOW I PRACTICE FROM LIGHT.
I DON'T PRAY OR WORSHIP
OR ANYTHING NEGATIVE OR DARK.
JOYCE SAYS THAT SHE DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN MY RELIGION.
THE ONE THING YOU DON'T
DISCUSS: RELIGION AND POLITICS.
I MEAN, THAT'S A [bleep] TABOO.
- I WANT TO KNOW THAT
I DON'T HAVE TO BE WORRIED,
THAT, GOD FORBID,
MY CHILD FALLS DOWN A LADDER...
- OH, DON'T EVEN GO THERE.
- I WANT TO TALK TO YOU...
- THAT... YOU CAN'T... NO.
- I WOULD NEED TO TELL YOU.
- DON'T EVER ASK ME
IF I WOULD DO ANYTHING
TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY.
DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO...
- NO, BUT LET ME TALK TO YOU,
BECAUSE THIS IS
SOMETHING IN MY HEART.
- THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD
EVEN THINK THAT FOR A SECOND...
- YOU'RE TELLING ME,
"GO HOME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS."
THESE ARE THINGS
THAT HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.
MY SONS CAN FALL DOWN
THE STAIRS.
- IT WASN'T... IT WASN'T
A BLOODY THREAT, THOUGH, JOYCE.
KNOW THIS FOR A FACT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT YOUR SON FALLING DOWN
THE STAIRS.
THAT [bleep] BLOWS MY MIND.
- OR ANYBODY THAT I LOVE.
OR MY HUSBAND.
OKAY, LET'S TALK
ABOUT MY HUSBAND.
- NO. NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.
- I WANT TO KNOW THAT
YOU DON'T DO THAT...
- LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
- OR THAT YOU WON'T
DO THAT WITH...
- DO NOT EVER BRING UP
CHILDREN TO ME.
PLEASE DON'T EVER SUGGEST
THAT I WOULD EVER
DO SOMETHING TO YOUR CHILDREN.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?
- BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME
THE OTHER DAY,
"GO HOME
AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS."
- I FELT LIKE
YOU WERE CHALLENGING ME.
SO DID I SAY SOMETHING THAT
PROBABLY WASN'T APPROPRIATE?
YES.
SHOULD SHE BE WORRIED?
NO.
I DON'T WANT TO GROW NEGATIVE.
I REALLY DON'T.
- I DON'T EITHER.
- I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD.
- I DON'T EITHER.
- BUT IN ORDER FOR US
TO MOVE FORWARD,
NOW YOU'VE CLEARED THE AIR.
NOW YOU'VE TOLD ME.
BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT
IF SOMEBODY TELLS YOU,
"GO HOME
AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS,"
YOU HAVE TO ASK THAT PERSON,
"HEY, DO I HAVE TO BE
WORRIED ABOUT THAT?"
- I SAY ENOUGH WITH
THIS SILLY [bleep].
THE DIFFERENCE WITH JOYCE
AND, LET'S SAY, KYLE,
IS I REALLY DO FEEL LIKE
JOYCE IS A GOOD PERSON,
BUT I THINK THAT
SHE'S A LITTLE NAIVE.
I THINK
WE'VE TALKED IT TO DEATH.
- WE NEED TO HAVE FUN.
WE NEED TO REALLY START
FRESH AND JUST LET IT GO,
AND... YOU KNOW?
TURN THE PAGE.
- YEAH.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- HI.
- HI.
HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
- I'M ADAM.
- YOU'RE ADAM?
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WE TALKED TO YOU ON THE PHONE.
WE WANT TO GET
THE BUTTERFLY TATTOO.
- OKAY.
- AND, UM,
WE'RE A LITTLE NERVOUS.
- IT'S YOUR FIRST ONE, RIGHT?
- MM-HMM.
- YOU'LL BE FINE.
- KIMBERLY IS GETTING READY
TO LEAVE FOR COLLEGE NOW,
SO WE DECIDED WE WANTED
MATCHING BUTTERFLY TATTOOS.
- SO WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO PUT IT?
- ON MY ASS. [laughs]
I'M JUST JOKING.
WE WERE THINKING RIGHT HERE.
- OKAY.
- THERE.
MAYBE KIND OF SIDEWAYS?
MAYBE, LIKE...
- ALL RIGHT, YOU NEED TO STOP.
- LIKE, RIGHT HERE.
- CAN WE NOT JOKE?
THIS IS SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
- OKAY.
- SO, GI.
WE'RE GONNA WRAP ALL THE
BREAKABLE STUFF IN THIS, YEAH?
DO YOU WANT ME TO START
LOADING THAT IF WE NEED MORE?
- WELL, THIS IS THE THING.
I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT
TILL LITERALLY
THE DAY BEFORE I LEAVE
BECAUSE IF WE PACK
ALL MY CLOTHES,
I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.
- BUT, LIKE,
ALL THE WINTER COATS,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA WEAR THEM.
- YEAH, I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA
WEAR MY WINTER COATS.
- GIGI'S LEAVING IN
ABOUT 3 1/2 WEEKS
TO GO TO COLLEGE IN NEW YORK.
I FEEL REALLY CONFIDENT
THAT I'VE GIVEN HER
THE RIGHT TOOLS TO START
MAKING A LIFE FOR HERSELF,
SO AS MUCH I'M SAD TO SEE
HER GO, SHE'S READY TO FLY.
REMEMBER, YOUR CLOSET
IN NEW YORK
IS MUCH SMALLER THAN THIS.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
- SO YOU GOT TO BE SELECTIVE.
- OW.
I'M JUST JOKING. SORRY.
- I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU
IN THE FACE.
I'M GETTING, LIKE,
THE CHILLS RIGHT NOW.
- I ALWAYS SAY THAT
WHEN I PASS ON
THAT I'M GOING TO BE
A BUTTERFLY,
AND THAT WHEN
MY KIDS SEE A BUTTERFLY,
THAT WILL BE ME
FLOATING OVER THEM.
DO YOU HAVE A THING TO
TIE YOUR ARM DOWN OR NOT?
- I'M GONNA BE HOLDING YOU.
- YEAH, YOU WILL.
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO, LIKE, REALLY PRESS.
- AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIND
OF NUMBING THINGS, RIGHT?
- NO. OKAY, YOU READY?
- DOES IT HURT,
THE FIRST ONE, REALLY BAD?
- I'LL DO THE DOT
OF THE ANTENNA FIRST.
- UH-HUH.
- YEAH?
HOW IS IT?
REALLY?
- MM-HMM.
- OKAY.
- [screeches]
NO, NOT FUN.
DUDE.
- DO YOU THINK I CAN DO THIS?
- I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE GONNA WANT THIS.
- SO HOW ARE YOU
FEELING ABOUT MOVING?
ARE YOU STILL OKAY?
- IT'S WEIRD.
I'M SCARED FOR THE MOMENT
WHEN YOU LEAVE,
AND THEN I JUST REALIZE,
LIKE, I'M STAYING HERE.
- I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY.
I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
- WHEN YOU'RE LAYING
IN YOUR COLLEGE ROOM AT NIGHT,
YEAH, AND YOU MISS ME,
YOU CAN LOOK AT YOUR TATTOO
AND GO,
"MOM, I MISS YOU SO MUCH."
YOU CAN CALL ME.
- MOM, I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU.
- I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER GO,
BUT THE BEST THING
FOR MY DAUGHTER
IS TO GO TO COLLEGE
AND THRIVE IN THAT EDUCATION
THAT SHE SO IS MADE FOR.
- ARE WE DONE?
- YEP.
- LET ME SEE.
- AH.
- ALL THOSE PICTURES.
ARE YOU KEEPING THEM?
I'M NOT REALLY
THE TYPE TO HAVE, LIKE,
PICTURES OF MYSELF IN MY HOUSE.
- THESE I AM GOING
TO HANG IN HERE.
SO WHEN I COME IN HERE
IN THE MORNING,
I NEED TO SEE YOUR FACE.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
- WELL, YOU WON'T BE HERE,
SO YOU WON'T KNOW IT.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A CREEPY SHRINE.
- IT'S GOING A LITTLE QUICK.
YOU HAVE 18 YEARS,
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
EVERYTHING HAPPENS AT ONCE.
SEE, EVERY MORNING
I'M GONNA COME IN HERE...
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND I'M GONNA SEE YOU.
- NO. OKAY.
YOU CAN DO THAT AFTER I LEAVE.
I'M SERIOUS. - HI, GIGI.
- I STILL HAVE TO SLEEP HERE.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- OKAY, YOU MAKE THE TEA.
- YEAH.
- CAN YOU JUST HANDLE IT
SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING?
THE WHOLE THING.
I'LL JUST SHOW UP TOMORROW
WITH MY DATE, THE GIGSTER,
WHO'S A LITTLE UPSET
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
- GIGGY.
- I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET.
I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET.
I KNOW.
I CAN FEEL.
- HEY, LISA.
HOW ARE YOU?
[laughs] - OH, MY GOD.
IF THAT'S ANY INDICATION OF WHAT
MY PARTY'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,
I'M REALLY SCARED.
- HELLO?
- OH, KYLE IS HERE.
- HEY, HI.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY, KYLE. both: MWAH.
- HELLO, DARLING.
- I LOVE THE OUTFIT.
- YOU DO?
- I WAS GOING TO SAY,
[indistinct].
- KEVIN LEE AND GLENN,
MY PARTY PLANNER,
ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
EQUALLY GOOD,
JUST DIFFERENT STYLE.
- WE'RE GONNA DO IT
LIKE A FRENCH FRY STATION.
STUFF MADE TO ORDER. - LOVE IT.
- FRENCH FRIES AND ONION
RINGS MADE TO ORDER.
- LOVE IT.
- IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
- COME AND HAVE A LOOK.
- OKAY.
- 'CAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN
WHAT'S GOING UP OUTSIDE.
- EXACTLY.
- OH, YES.
- ISN'T IT GONNA BE SWEET?
RIGHT?
- OH, MY GOSH.
- OH.
- DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU
FEEL GRANDEUR AND...
- OH, I'M SO EXCITED.
- YEAH.
NO, RUMPY, NO. - [whistling]
- RUMPY.
HE DOESN'T LISTEN.
RUMPY, COME HERE.
- REALLY?
- RUMPY, COME HERE.
- THERE HE GOES
DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.
- NO, COME HERE.
YOU'VE GOT A BIG GARDEN UP HERE.
COME HERE. - RUMPY.
- RUMPY, YOU SEXY BOY.
COME HERE.
OKAY, HERE'S YOUR SOCK.
OKAY, COME HERE.
SO WE JUST PUT THE TABLE
ALL THE WAY DOWN THE MIDDLE
FILLED WITH GORGEOUS THINGS.
- RIGHT.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- I LOVE THAT.
- I LOVE IT.
- WE SHOULD DO...
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD BE
IN THE CENTER.
MAYBE LIKE THIS, LISA.
YOU AND KEN.
MAURICIO AND ME.
- IN THE CENTER?
- ONE'S ON ONE SIDE,
AND THEN LIKE THAT.
YEAH, THAT WAY WE CAN
TALK TO BOTH SIDES.
- THE GUYS, IT'S THEIR PARTY.
THEY SHOULD BE AT THE HEAD.
- KEN AND MAURICIO SHOULD BE
AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, NO?
- THANK YOU, KEVIN.
- SHOULD WE HAVE,
LIKE, A PSYCHIC COME?
- NO.
- PSYCHICS? I DON'T THINK SO.
- OKAY, WELL.
SEEMS LIKE
THE PERFECT IDEA TO ME.
- WE COULD STAND HERE,
HAVE A COCKTAIL,
AND SOMEBODY
COULD DO SOMETHING HERE.
- WATER DANCERS.
BEAUTIFUL COSTUMES, JUST DANCING
AT THE SIDE OF WATER.
AND JUST... SOMETHING SEXY.
- HUH?
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
JUST WALK IN AND
JUST ENJOY YOURSELF.
- OKAY.
- WITH A BIG, FAT CHECK.
[both laugh]
- WAIT, WHAT?
- LET'S DO IT.
- COMING UP...
- OOH!
- OH!
[laughter]
- LISA SHOULD
HAVE PROBABLY JUST HIRED
MY TWO POLE DANCERS.
I MEAN, COME ON.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS... LOOKS SO FLAT.
I THINK WE NEED TO
BLOW-DRY IT SO IT'S,
LIKE, GOT SOME HEIGHT HERE,
DON'T YOU?
- OKAY.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE
SHOULD USE THE TIARA MAYBE.
- WHAT'S THE TIME, DARLING?
- IT'S 6:10.
- DARLING,
WHAT DRESS SHOULD I WEAR?
SHOULD I WEAR THAT
DOLCE GABBANA ONE?
- YEAH, I LIKE THAT.
- THERE'S NO ROOM TO EAT,
SO IT'D BE A LIQUID DINNER
FOR ME.
- I QUITE LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'VE GOT
A LOT OF LIQUID INSIDE YOU.
- OH, 'CAUSE OF LAST NIGHT.
[both laugh]
- YEAH, THAT WAS GOOD FUN.
- KEN WANTS IT ALL THE TIME.
LET'S BE HONEST.
BUT IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY,
SO I WILL MAKE AN ALLOWANCE.
DARLING, PEOPLE WILL
BE HERE IN 15 MINUTES.
WHY DON'T YOU GO AND GET READY?
- THE SECRETS OF
BEING BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?
- OW.
- SORRY.
- OKAY, I'M GONNA
GET READY, BABY.
- SHOULD WE JUST PUT
THAT THERE OR NOT?
I THINK IT'S TOO MUCH.
- MIGHT BE A LITTLE...
- I THINK IT'S A LITTLE...
- ROCIO HAD A DIAMOND CLIP.
ROCIO?
THIS ISN'T GONNA HOLD.
- SEÑORITA?
- HI, ROCIO, DO YOU HAVE
THOSE LITTLE DIAMOND CLIPS?
I THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH.
IT LOOKS TOO PRINCESSY.
DO YOU HAVE THOSE
LITTLE DIAMOND CLIPS?
YOU WEAR IT.
- OKAY.
- WE'RE WOMEN.
YOU REMEMBER
THOSE LITTLE DIAMOND CLIPS?
- MM-HMM.
- WHERE ARE THEY?
- ROCIO.
WILL YOU BRING GIGGY UP
TO MY BATHROOM, PLEASE?
- OH, HE WANTS GIGGY
TO GET CHANGED.
OH, AND HE CAN. I'M TELLING YOU.
- LISA DECIDES WHAT I'M WEARING.
I DECIDE WHAT GIGGY WEARS,
GIGGY DECIDES WHAT ROCIO WEARS,
AND THAT'S HOW WE ROCK AND ROLL.
- GIGGY'S HERE.
- HI, GIG.
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO WEAR?
LET'S WEAR THIS ONE.
JUST UNDO THAT FOR ME, PLEASE.
- OKAY, SURE.
- OKAY, READY?
GIGGY, GIGGY, GIGGY, GIGGY.
- IT'S OKAY, LITTLE GIGGY.
- YEAH, COME ON.
GOOD.
GO OVER THERE.
GOOD BOY.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- THIS LOOKS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
OKAY, I'M GONNA GO OUT NOW
'CAUSE I TRUST YOU.
- IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT.
- I TRUST YOU.
- GOT IT.
- KEEP AN EYE ON THE COURSES,
AND THIS AND THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE, YEAH,
PERFECT.
- YEAH.
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
- YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- THANK YOU, DARLING.
♪♪ ♪♪
- YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS.
- YEAH, PRETTY.
- THANK YOU. DOLCE.
- YEAH, I LOVE IT.
- YOU GIRLS LOOK LOVELY.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S A BIT COLD.
I THINK WE COULD LIGHT
THIS FIRE AS WELL.
- LIGHT AS MANY FIRES
AS POSSIBLE.
- GOD. [both laugh]
- I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH YOU.
I DON'T LIKE TO
SEE THINGS LIKE THAT.
THAT'S UGLY.
YOU PUT IT IN A GLASS JAR.
YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.
GO AND GET SOME
LITTLE SEXY GLASS JAR.
HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE ORCHARD
GETTING THE LIMES?
HEY, DARLING.
THAT LOOKS GREAT.
YOUR DRESS LOOKS GREAT.
[smooches]
- LOOK AT SEXY GIRL THERE.
- OH, YOU LOOK LOVELY.
- YOU LOOK STUNNING.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.
- ISN'T IT FUN TO GET
DRESSED UP, BUT...
LOOK AT THE WEATHER, IT'S LIKE...
- I KNOW.
- IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
HI, LISA. - HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU.
YOU GOT A COLD?
- IT'S NOT A COLD.
IT'S BLOODY ALLERGIES.
- IT'S... OH, YEAH.
- WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
- TRAUMA.
[laughter] - OH, RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK.
- HELLO. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE.
HI, DARLING.
- HI, BABY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO. I'M OKAY.
- HEY, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
- BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOUR HOUSE IS BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU.
- J.R. AND I ARE ON AND OFF
AGAIN EVERY OTHER DAY.
IT'S A ROLLER COASTER.
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- HE'S FRIENDS WITH MAURICIO.
HE'S INVITED TO THE PARTY.
IT WOULD BE ODD FOR US
NOT TO SHOW UP TOGETHER,
AND I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.
THIS IS FOR MAURICIO...
IS HE HERE?
- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.
IT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BIRTHDAY.
- I KNOW.
- I'M TAKING THESE GIFTS
OVER HERE.
[laughs]
[upbeat music]
- THE HOUSE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
ISN'T THIS HOUSE GORGEOUS?
- I LOVE IT.
- NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP.
- I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL COLOR.
- OOH, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
EVERYBODY LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
- NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
- I'M SORRY.
CLEARLY, KEVIN AND LISA WANTED
TO DO THIS ALL THEMSELVES,
SO I DON'T REALLY THINK
IT MATTERS WHAT TIME I SHOW UP.
- OH, DON'T WORRY. LOOKING SEXY.
- OH, MY GOD, IT LOOKS...
- HEY, HI. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- I HAVE A DREAM
THAT KYLE WAS TALKING
REALLY NEGATIVELY ABOUT ME,
AND THEN THE NEXT DAY,
SOMEBODY ALSO HAD TOLD ME
THAT THEY HEARD HER SAYING
SOME RUDE COMMENTS
DURING THE POOL PARTY.
SO I WILL PROBABLY,
FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING
ANY KIND OF BLOODY DRAMA,
KEEP MY DISTANCE.
- WHERE IS EVERYONE?
WHERE IS JOYCE?
- APPARENTLY SHE'S NOT COMING.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
GONNA TRY AND COME.
'CAUSE SHE HAD...
HER HUSBAND HAD A MEETING
OR A BIRTHDAY DINNER.
- OH, RIGHT.
- AND THEN YOLANDA...
- YOLANDA HAS HER STEPDAUGHTER'S
WEDDING.
- FILET MIGNON.
CRISPY POTATO CAKE
WITH THE GREEN PEPPERCORN AIOLI.
- YES, VERY GOOD.
- NAPKIN, KYLE?
- O-M-G.
- [laughs]
- YOU GOT ENGAGED.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- MM-HMM, LAST WEEK. THANK YOU.
- THAT'S SO EXCITING. MWAH.
- [coughs]
- [laughs]
- OH, THIS IS STRONG.
- IS IT? LET ME HAVE IT.
WHAT IS IT?
- I ASKED FOR A VODKA SODA.
- IT'S JAX TRYING
TO GET YOU DRUNK.
- UGH, THAT'S NOT...
IT WAS THE OTHER ONE.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S STRONG?
- NO, I COULD DOWN THAT IN ONE.
- I NEED TO SQUEEZE LEMON
INTO IT.
- YOU SHOULD HAVE VODKA SODA
WITH A DASH OF GRAPEFRUIT.
- NO, I DON'T WANT ANY SUGAR.
I WANT TO DO VODKA SODA.
THIS IS DOING A CLEANSE FOR MY...
- THIS IS A CLEANSE?
VODKA SODA? [laughs]
- YEAH.
- I WANT THAT CLEANSE.
OH, WELL, JUST HOLD ON TO IT
A SECOND.
- OKAY.
IT'S JUST 18,000 POUNDS...
OH, HI.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- THIS IS THE BIGGEST DRINK
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
- SAY SOMETHING TO SCHEANA
ABOUT HER GETTING MARRIED.
- LIKE WHAT?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK
TO SCHEANA
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED?
WE DON'T HAVE TO
GO BACK AND FORTH.
I KNOW YOU WERE
[bleep] MY HUSBAND.
- I KNOW. IT JUST...
- I GOT THAT. I GET THAT.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
I'M EVER GONNA
ESCAPE THIS WOMAN.
[upbeat strings music]
- WHERE'S KIM?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID THAT?
WHERE'S KIM?
- THEY SHOULD MAKE
T-SHIRTS THAT SAY THAT.
- WHERE IS KIM?
- KIM WENT TO SAN DIEGO WITH
KIMBERLY FOR HER ORIENTATION.
- OH, WOW. LOOK AT THIS.
WE HAVE, UH... WE HAVE...
- OOH! OH.
- OOH!
- OH!
[laughter]
- LISA SHOULD HAVE
PROBABLY JUST HIRED
MY TWO POLE DANCERS.
I MEAN, COME ON.
- JAX, HAVE YOU BEEN
GIVING THEM DRINKS?
- KEVIN?
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS.
- I KNOW THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.
- TELL THEM TO GET IN THE WATER.
YOU KIDDING ME?
[lively music]
- THEY'RE NOT
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS.
- THEY'RE DANCERS, I GUESS.
- OH, JEEZ.
- YOU REALLY LET US DOWN.
GET IN THERE NOW... - OKAY.
- AND DO SOME SYNCHRONIZED
SWIMMING.
- JAX.
JAX, YOU OKAY TO DO
THE SYNCHRONIZE WITH HIM?
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
- OH, YEAH. FOR SURE.
- WE'RE GONNA SYNCHRONIZED SWIM
NOW.
WE'RE GONNA GO ON TOUR. - OKAY.
- JAX'S GONNA ACTUALLY
SYNCHRONIZE [indistinct].
- [laughs]
- COME ON.
- LET'S DO IT.
- I TOLD KEVIN LEE SPECIFICALLY
WE WANT AQUATIC DANCERS.
SO I SUDDENLY THINK IF HE
SCREWED UP ON THE ENTERTAINMENT,
HE'S GONNA BE THE ENTERTAINMENT.
- [both laugh]
- DON'T GET OUT JUST YET, GIRLS.
- WE'VE GOT SOME
FRIENDS JOINING YOU.
[laughter] - WHAT IS THIS?
- [screams]
[crowd cheering, laughing]
- I THINK REALLY IT'S PROBABLY
KEVIN'S FANTASY
TO BE THROWN OVER JAX'S
SHOULDER.
SWIM OFF INTO THE SUNSET.
- KEVIN,
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM?
- I DON'T!
[cheering, squealing]
- KEVIN LEE IN HIS UNDERWEAR?
I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
PAYING FOR THAT, TOO.
[upbeat music]
- OKAY, DARLINGS, SHOULD WE GO
AND HAVE DINNER?
IS EVERYBODY HERE?
- YEAH.
- OKAY, WHO'S HUNGRY?
LET'S GO.
♪♪ ♪♪
- WOW. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
- THIS AMAZING TABLE
LOOKS LIKE A SHOWPIECE.
IT'S MYSTICAL AND ELEGANT
AND ROSES EVERYWHERE
AND CRYSTALS.
I LOVE IT.
IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
[glass clinking]
- HEY, HEY, EVERYBODY.
- KEN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING,
AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY...
[stammers]
- YES.
- THIS IS MY BUDDY.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.
I WANTED TO WISH HIM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- [laughs]
- THERE HE IS.
THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.
- THAT WAS AMAZING.
[applause]
- OKAY, SHOULD WE SAY SOMETHING?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
- GO ON THEN.
- I MEAN,
I HAVE NOTHING PLANNED.
- WELL, GO ON THEN.
- WE WANTED TO CELEBRATE
MAURICIO AND KEN TONIGHT,
AND WE WANTED TO KEEP IT
SMALL AND INTIMATE, SO...
- SO EVERYONE
GET THE [bleep] OUT.
[laughter]
OH, AND ELEGANT,
AND I FORGOT THAT PART.
I SHOULD QUICKLY...
- LOOK WHERE YOU ARE.
JUST LET'S TAKE THE F-WORD,
YOU TWO,
OUT OF THE EQUATION FOR TONIGHT.
- NO!
- NO.
- ANYWAY, THANK YOU GUYS
ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE,
AND WE'RE CELEBRATING YOU GUYS,
AND YOU REALLY ARE THE BEST
HUSBAND, THE BEST DADDY...
- OH, YOU ARE THE BEST
HUSBAND...
- THE BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD.
- AND THE BEST...
WHAT IS IT? HOLD ON.
- THE BEST HUSBAND,
THE BEST DADDY.
- YOU ARE THE BEST HUSBAND,
THE BEST DADDY...
- THE BEST FRIEND...
- THE BEST FRIEND...
- AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- AND I WANT YOU
TO HAVE FUN TONIGHT.
- I'M SUPER SHOCKED THAT
KYLE AND LISA ARE B.F.F.s AGAIN.
- [laughs]
- THIS IS WEIRD.
- THANK YOU GUYS
ALL FOR BEING HERE,
AND HAVE FUN,
AND ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL DINNER.
- THANK YOU, DARLING.
[applause]
- COMING UP...
- LET ME TALK FOR ONE SECOND.
- NO.
NO, AND DON'T YOU
DARE COMMAND ME.
YOU DON'T [bleep]
DARE COMMAND ME.
- OH, GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
YOU GUYS ARE SUCH
GREAT GENTLEMEN.
IN NEW YORK, WHEN SOMETHING
IS REALLY WONDERFUL,
THEY SAY, "FORGET ABOUT IT."
FORGET ABOUT IT.
FORGET IT. IT'S SO GREAT.
- WHO'S FROM NEW YORK?
- SO I WROTE A SONG
FOR YOU GUYS,
AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT!
♪♪ MAURICIO AND KEN
WERE WALKING DOWN RODEO ♪♪
♪♪ LOOKING SO FINE ♪♪
[guests cheering]
- ♪♪ AND KYLE AND LISA
TOOK ONE LOOK ♪♪
♪♪ AND SAID WE'RE GONNA
GIVE THEM A GOOD TIME ♪♪
- WHOO.
- YEAH.
- ♪♪ I NEVER SEEN SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ THEY GONNA ROCK YOU
ON YOUR BIRTHDAY NIGHT ♪♪
- WHOO!
- ♪♪ SO FORGET ABOUT IT, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOYS ♪♪
ALL TOGETHER.
All: ♪♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOYS ♪♪
- ONE MORE TIME.
All: ♪♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOYS ♪♪
- AH, AH, AH, FORGET ABOUT IT.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- I NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM.
I'LL GO THAT WAY.
- WHERE IS SHE GOING?
- THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX
IN THE BATHROOM.
THAT'S HOW THEY MET. [laughs]
- COME ON, GIRLS.
THEY WANT SOME WINE.
- THE GUYS ARE SUPPOSED
TO TAKE CARE OF THE WINE.
- THAT'S THE BOYS'
RESPONSIBILITY.
- ARE YOU CAUSING
PROBLEMS AGAIN?
LIKE, HE LIKES TO FIGHT
WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
JUST TO MAKE HIMSELF RELEVANT.
- WELL, IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY,
SO HE CAN FIGHT
WITH WHOEVER HE WANTS.
- HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR HAND?
- BEATING THE [bleep]
OUT OF, UM, A GUY.
- YOU'RE LUCKY SHE DIDN'T
BEAT THE [bleep] OUT OF YOU,
'CAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE BROKEN...
- WELL, THIS RING MIGHT
HAVE MADE AN INDENT, SO...
- OH, CUTE.
- YOU'D HAVE BROKEN
THE OTHER HAND THEN.
- THANKS.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- YOU'RE NOT HAPPY FOR ME...
- I HAVE A DIFFERENT OUTLOOK
ON MARRIAGE THAN I USED TO.
- I AGREE.
- THANKS PARTLY TO YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- BUT... OH, THAT WASN'T
A COMPLIMENT.
- I'M JUST SAYING...
- IT'S SUPER AWKWARD.
- NO, NO, BUT I DO THINK...
NO, NO, IT'S FINE.
BUT I DON'T THINK I BELIEVE
IN MARRIAGE ANYMORE.
IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT
EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
WHY THE [bleep] DOES
SCHEANA CARE
IF I AM HAPPY FOR HER OR NOT?
LIKE, WHY... SHOULD I THROW HER
A WEDDING SHOWER?
CONGRATULATIONS.
- IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.
- THANK YOU.
- [indistinct].
WALK AWAY WITH THAT.
- EVERYONE GRAB
A MEAT AND A FISH.
[upbeat music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- CAN WE DO SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE FUN RIGHT NOW?
- WHY DON'T YOU GET NAKED
AND DO A LITTLE DANCE?
- YOU CAN DO ONE OF
YOUR, UM, JEWISH DANCES.
- ♪♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪♪
- ONE OF YOUR JEWISH DANCES.
Both: ♪♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪♪
- ♪♪ HAVA ♪♪ [humming]
- ANDY, YOU GOOD DOWN THERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SINGING NOW?
- JEWISH SONGS.
- OH, YEAH.
♪♪ THE DREIDEL,
DREIDEL, DREIDEL ♪♪
♪♪ WE MADE IT OUT OF CLAY ♪♪
- YOU'RE GOOD.
- THAT'S REALLY OFFENSIVE.
[laughter]
- THAT'S IMPRESSIVE, BRANDI.
- I KNOW, I TOLD HER
THAT WAS OFFENSIVE.
- YOU'RE VERY GOOD.
- MY HUSBAND DOESN'T THINK
ANYTHING I SAY IS FUNNY.
- HE DOESN'T THINK
I'M FUNNY EITHER.
IT'S SO ANNOYING.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- BUT WE HAVE OUR FRIENDS
TO LAUGH WITH.
- WELL, HE JUST RECENTLY
CHANGED HIS MIND.
- SO NOW YOU THINK SHE'S FUNNY.
- [laughs]
- OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON?
ARE YOU GUYS... ARE YOU
BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND,
OR WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
- I THINK IT'S KIND OF IRONIC
THAT I JUST FINISHED A BOOK
ABOUT BEING SINGLE,
AND HERE I AM AGAIN WITH J.R.,
MY ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN.
- I MEAN, YOU GUYS PLAY SO MANY
GAMES WITH EACH OTHER.
- IT'S SO FUN.
- WHY IS IT, THOUGH?
- IT'S SO FUN.
- ISN'T LIFE SO MUCH BETTER
WHEN IT'S UNCOMPLICATED,
AND YOU WAKE UP
NEXT TO THE SAME PERSON...
- NO, IT'S SO [bleep] BORING.
- I MEAN... NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
- THEN YOU KNOW EXACTLY
HOW THE SEX IS GONNA BE.
- THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL THING.
- IT'S GONNA BE
SUPER [bleep] BORING.
- WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW THE SEX IS GONNA BE.
NO, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.
- CHEERS!
- HOLD ON.
I HAVE A PHILOSOPHY HERE.
- OH, MY GOD.
- THIS IS... THIS IS NOT GOOD.
- SORRY, GET READY
TO BRACE YOURSELF.
I LEARNED A LOT FROM
BRANDI THE OTHER DAY IN OUR...
- [laughs]
- IN OUR SELF-DEFENSE CLASS.
J.R., DON'T PRETEND
THAT YOU'RE BUSY.
- SORRY, I'M LI... SORRY.
- LISTEN UP.
NO, SO WHEN BRANDI HIT
THE GUY, SHE WAS HURT.
SHE WAS IN PAIN.
SHE DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW.
SHE PUT A WALL UP AROUND HER,
AND THAT'S WHAT SHE'S DOING
WITH YOU, J.R.
AND I'M JUST GONNA LAY IT
ALL OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.
I'M SORRY TO BREAK DOWN THE WALL
IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
- YEAH, I DON'T LIKE
TO ASK FOR HELP.
- DOESN'T WANT TO ASK FOR HELP.
SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO SEEM VULNERABLE.
- AND I DON'T LIKE
TO GET TO INVESTED.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO SEEM
VULNERABLE AND DON'T WANT TO BE
TOO INVESTED 'CAUSE YOU DON'T
WANT TO GET HURT.
- IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.
- SO SHE JOKES.
- THEN I BREAK MY HAND.
- THEY JOKE AND WHATEVER,
BUT THEY REALLY DO HAVE
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
I'M JUST GONNA SAY.
- KYLE'S PRETTY ON POINT
WITH HER ASSESSMENT,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
J.R. DOES THE SAME THING.
EVERY TIME I GO IN DEEPER,
HE PULLS AWAY.
WHEN I PULL AWAY,
HE GOES IN DEEPER.
IT'S A GIANT CATASTROPHE.
[laughs] AND CHEERS.
- BEFORE THIS GETS
COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL...
- OH! OH, WOW.
- HEY, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
- SO I'M GONNA SEE A PICTURE.
- LISA'S NAKED, FOR SURE.
- ANOTHER NIPPLE SHOT.
- 1/3 OF A NIPPLE.
- 1/3 OF A NIPPLE.
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
- IS THERE A NIPPLE?
LET'S SEE.
- MY GOD, IT IS OBSCENE.
- I WANT TO SEE IT.
- I AM TAKING THIS
AND THROWING IT AWAY.
IT'S [bleep] OBSCENE.
-
WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?
I WANT TO SEE. I WANT TO SEE.
- IT'S DISGUSTING. NO, NO, NO.
[all speaking simultaneously]
all: AW.
- OH, THAT IS SO CUTE.
[laughter]
- THAT'S SO RIDICULOUS.
- IT'S LIKE LOOKING
IN THE MIRROR.
- LOOK AT THAT.
- HE LOOKS SO MUCH
LIKE YOU, KEN.
IT'S AMAZING. - HE REALLY DOES.
- HE DOES.
- I ACTUALLY TRY
TO LOOK LIKE HIM NOW.
- OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
- THAT'S SO CUTE.
- WAIT, BUT SPEAKING
OF 1/3 OF A NIPPLE,
WILL YOU EXPLAIN TO HER HOW,
LIKE,
THAT WAS YOUR JOKE
ABOUT 1/3 OF A...
- NO, IT WASN'T.
- TO HER?
- EXPLAIN TO HER BECAUSE
I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HER...
- STOP SAYING [bleep] "HER."
PSYCHOTIC.
- OH, MY GOSH, CARLTON.
- NO, NO.
- RELAX.
- NO, I WON'T RELAX.
- WHEN YOU REFER TO
SOMEBODY AS "HER"...
- YEAH.
- IT'S LIKE THEY'RE IRRELEVANT.
- WELL, SHE HAS A LOT OF
PROBLEMS WITH ME SO FAR,
BUT WE WORKED
THROUGH THEM, RIGHT?
- NO, ACTUALLY.
- WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW?
- WELL, OKAY, SO I'VE HAD
THIS FEELING
YOU'VE BEEN TALKING [bleep]
ABOUT ME.
SO IT WAS CONFIRMED WHEN,
AT MY PARTY...
- I'VE BEEN
TALKING [bleep] ABOUT YOU?
- YES.
SO IT WAS CONFIRMED AT MY PARTY
WITH A FEW FRIENDS OF MINE
THAT YOU WERE
STANDING IN THE BATHROOM LINE
WAITING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM...
- YEAH.
- AND I HAD... MY FRIENDS...
MY GUESTS,
AND YOU SAID OUT LOUD,
"EW, I'M NOT GOING
IN THIS BATHROOM.
GROSS."
- SOMEBODY DID A POOPY.
UGH. OH, MY GOD.
CARLTON, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- NO, I'M NOT.
- YOU HAVE A NICE HUSBAND.
YOU HAVE THESE BEAUTIFUL KIDS.
WHAT ARE YOU SO ANGRY ABOUT?
- YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
SOME NASTY LITTLE SNIDE REMARKS,
AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
- THIS IS MY HUSBAND'S
BIRTHDAY TONIGHT...
- OH, I DON'T CARE.
- I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE.
I CAN SEE THAT.
- NO, I DON'T. NO, I DON'T.
- I DON'T THINK THAT YOU
WOULD BE THE TYPE
THAT WOULD CARE, PROBABLY,
BUT I HAVE NOT SAID
ANYTHING RUDE.
- WHY WOULD I NOT BE
THE TYPE TO CARE?
- I HAVE BEEN NOTHING
BUT [bleep] NICE TO YOU.
- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
[bleep] NICE TO ME.
- WHAT HAVE I NOT...
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
- NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
- OH, WE ALMOST
HAD A GOOD NIGHT.
- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?
- YOU ARE VERY
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
YOU'VE DONE...
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
- YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING WITH ME SINCE DAY ONE.
- NO, I HAVEN'T. NO, I HAVEN'T.
- I'VE BEEN NOTHING
BUT NICE TO YOU.
- NO, I HAVEN'T.
I HAVE A VERY GOOD INTUITION.
- I MADE AN ATTEMPT TO GET
TO KNOW YOU...
I'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT NICE.
I'VE GONE OUT OF MY WAY
TO KNOW YOU.
- YEAH, AND I WENT OUT
OF MY WAY TO LET YOU KNOW,
RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THAT...
- YEAH, YOU SAT THERE, AND...
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?
OH, YOU SAID,
"LISA'S 3/4 OF A NIPPLE."
THAT WAS LISA'S JOKE.
WHEN THEY... WHEN THE...
- YES, BUT... I'M SORRY, BUT...
- LET ME TALK.
- NO.
- LET ME TALK FOR ONE SECOND.
- NO, NO, AND DON'T
YOU DARE COMMAND ME.
YOU DON'T [bleep]
DARE COMMAND ME.
- COOL YOUR JETS, OKAY?
- NO, YOU COOL YOUR JETS.
- I'M GONNA SAY
SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
- NO, DON'T. DON'T.
- CARLTON.
QUIT LOOKING FOR
A PROBLEM, OKAY.
LISA, REMEMBER WHEN
THE TABLOID SAID
YOU DID A PORNO, AND IT WAS
A JOKE, AND WE LAUGHED?
- [laughs] YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY
TO ME AS A JOKE?
- IT WASN'T A WHOLE NIPPLE.
IT WAS 3/4 OF A NIPPLE.
- EXACTLY.
SO I SAID, "OH,
IT'S 3/4 OF A NIPPLE,"
TAKING LISA'S JOKE,
WHICH I EXPLAINED TO YOU.
WELL, 3/4 OF A NIPPLE.
WHOOP-DEE-DOO.
- LISA'S LITTLE NIPPLE ACTION.
[laughs]
- TALKING ABOUT
SOMEBODY'S NIPPLE
WHEN I'M MEETING YOU
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I FIND THAT DISRESPECTFUL.
- YOU'RE SO OFFENDED BY NIPPLES?
I'M SORRY.
NIPPLES GREETED ME
AT YOUR DOOR AT YOUR PARTY.
I LIKE YOUR DRESS.
- [laughs]
- WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
[all laugh]
- SO SHE JUST CONFIRMED
THAT SHE'S THE ONE WHO SAID
THAT, OKAY?
SO YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT
OFF YOUR LIST, THEN, RIGHT?
- OH, I WON'T.
I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD A LIST.
- OF COURSE YOU WON'T.
- YEAH, BECAUSE YOU HAVE
A [indistinct] LIST.
- AND THEN...
NO, I DON'T HAVE A LIST.
I THOUGHT WE WERE ACTUALLY
ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
- OH, COME ON. REALLY?
- I ACTUALLY DID.
CALL ME A FOOL.
I THOUGHT WE WERE.
AT YOUR PARTY, WHEN I GAVE YOU
MY NECKLACE, YOU SAID,
"OH, IT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME."
- OH, BY THE WAY...
TAKE IT OFF, LIKE,
THE MINUTE I GAVE YOU
A COMPLIMENT.
IT'S NOT FROM
A GENUINE PLACE, KYLE,
AND THAT'S WHAT I FEEL
ABOUT YOU.
- YOU DIDN'T NEED
TO TAKE IT, CARLTON.
YOU LIKE IT? - I DO.
- KEEP IT.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I PUT... LISTEN, IT'S IN WATER.
- YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN IT BACK.
- IT'S IN WATER.
THAT NECKLACE WENT RIGHT INTO
A GLASS OF DISTILLED WATER
'CAUSE I WAS CLEANSING IT,
AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT WHATEVER HER DEAL IS
ISN'T ON IT.
- THEN YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU'RE A PHONY,
AND YOU'RE FULL OF [bleep],
BECAUSE YOU SAID TO ME...
- NO, YOU'RE A PHONY,
AND YOU'RE FULL OF [bleep].
- YOU SAID TO ME, "THANK YOU."
IT'S MORE THAN THAT. - YEAH.
- SO YOU WERE LYING?
- BY THE WAY, FOR SOMEBODY
WHO'S JEWISH,
YOU THOUGHT THE STAR
ON THE BACK OF MY NECK
WAS A JEWISH STAR WHEN YOU KNOW
I'M BLOODY WICCA,
SO, PLEASE. BULL[bleep].
- BY THE WAY,
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE JUDGED
FOR BEING A WICCAN,
THEN DON'T ACT LIKE A WITCH.
- COMING UP...
- DON'T YOU [bleep]
DARE GO THERE.
DON'T YOU [bleep] DARE.
- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
JUDGED FOR BEING A WICCAN,
THEN DON'T ACT LIKE A WITCH.
- AND THERE IT IS.
AND THERE IT [bleep] IS.
- YOU HAVE BEEN RUDE.
YOU HAVE BEEN RUDE.
- YOU ARE NASTY, DISGUSTING.
- YOU'VE BEEN JUDGING.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT...
AND YOU SAID TO ME,
"ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME
ABOUT THAT?
A JEWISH STAR?" - YEAH.
- OBVIOUSLY,
YOU'RE ANTI-SEMITIC.
- OH, YOU SEE.
AND THERE IT IS. OF COURSE.
- SHE'S MAKING FUN OF ME.
- AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
AND YOU JUST PROVED IT.
YOU LABEL.
THERE'S NOTHING
ANTI-SEMITIC ABOUT ME,
AND DON'T YOU [bleep]
DARE GO THERE.
DON'T YOU [bleep] DARE.
NO.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU SAY,
ANTI-SEMITIC?
HOW CAN YOU EVEN... HOW...
- OKAY, I SAID TO YOU,
"IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?"
AND YOU SAID TO ME,
"ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?"
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID TO ME.
- 'CAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS WICCAN.
- LET IT GO NOW.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
BLOODY POINTS ARE ON A BLOODY...
OH, PLEASE.
- I COULDN'T SEE
THE WHOLE THING,
AND THERE'S CONFESSIONALS
AT HER HOUSE,
AND THERE'S CROSSES,
AND SHE'S A WICCAN.
MAYBE SHE HAS A JEWISH STAR.
WHAT DO I KNOW?
WHY WOULD I SAY, "IS THAT
A JEWISH STAR" TO BE FUNNY?
YOU THINK I WAS DOING IT
TO BE RUDE?
- YES, ABSOLUTELY.
- ASKING IF I THINK THE JEWISH
STAR IS RUDE WHEN I'M JEWISH?
- NO, DON'T KEEP TWISTING IT,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
- CARLTON IS SO DEAD-SET
ON THINKING EVERYTHING
I SAY AND DO IS WRONG THAT
THERE IS NO POINT IN ENGAGING
WITH HER BECAUSE SHE HAS
HER MIND MADE UP,
WHETHER OR NOT
SHE MAKES SENSE OR NOT.
- SO WHEN I HEARD THAT,
[indistinct].
- WELL, I JUST...
JUST FROM WHAT SHE JUST SAID
JUST PROVED MY POINT ABOUT HER.
- ONE THING ABOUT CARLTON.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PREJUDICED
BONE IN HER BODY.
- I AM NOT PREJUDICED.
- THAT'S IT.
I'M READY TO GO NOW. LET'S GO.
YEAH, I WANTED TO
GET OUT OF THERE.
- CARLTON, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
WHEN I SAID TO YOU,
"IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?"
DO YOU THINK
I MEANT THAT TO BE RUDE?
- I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU.
- I'M... NO, NO, NO, NO.
- NO, I'M DONE. I'M SORRY.
YOU'VE GOT VERBAL DIARRHEA.
I'M OVER YOU.
- OBVIOUSLY, I WOULDN'T MEAN
THAT TO BE RUDE WHEN I'M JEWISH.
- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? PLEASE.
YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH.
TRUST ME.
- OH, SHE IS SO DISGUSTING.
GOOD-BYE.
- CARLTON.
CARLTON. CARLTON.
- SHE'S BEING SILLY. SHE IS.
SHE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S NOT THERE.
- GUESS WHAT?
IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, GO HOME.
- I THINK THE STAR THING,
JUST BEING...
- NO, I DON'T WANT TO...
LISTEN, LISA...
- NO, I THINK THE STAR...
- I KNOW WHAT I KNOW.
- I DON'T... I THINK THAT
WAS A GENUINE MISTAKE.
- NO, IT WASN'T.
- THAT'S THE FIRST THING.
WELL... - YOU'RE WRONG.
- I KNOW DIDDLY-SQUAT ABOUT
PENTAGRAMS, STAR OF DAVIDS.
YOU KNOW,
I WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE ONE
IF IT HIT ME ON THE HEAD,
SO IS IT
AN EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE?
I THINK IT WOULD BE.
- IF YOUR RELIGION IS
THAT YOU'RE JEWISH...
- YEAH.
- AND THAT'S YOUR FAITH,
THEN YOU RECOGNIZE
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A FIVE-POINTED STAR
AND A SIX-POINTED STAR.
NOW, FOR HER TO CALL ME
ANTI-SEMITIC,
THAT IS JUST UNACCEPTABLE.
- OKAY, YEAH.
- YEAH.
- I HAVE MADE AN EFFORT
WITH HER.
- SHE WAS WRONG.
JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.
SHE'S LEFT, AND SHE'S GONE.
I'VE HAD MY OWN FAIR SHARE
OF ILL WILL WITH KYLE,
BUT I DO THINK THAT CARLTON
TOOK THIS A LITTLE TOO FAR.
BUT AT LEAST THERE'S NO SPELLS.
- NEXT TIME ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- SO REMEMBER WE WERE INVITED
TO CARLTON AND DAVID'S PARTY
THAT HE'S HAVING
FOR HIS COMPANY?
- YEAH.
- I AM NO LONGER INVITED.
- I HAVE NEVER, EVER IN MY LIFE
BEEN ACCUSED OF SOMETHING
SO HEINOUS.
I LIVED IN SOUTH AFRICA
DURING APARTHEID,
SO WHEN SHE CALLS ME SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, IT CUTS ME.
- HOW'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH LISA?
- IT... YOU KNOW.
I'VE NEVER BEEN ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT.
- I DON'T WANT TO
BE EVER ON THAT SIDE.
- LISA'S NEVER ONCE ASKED ME
TO SAY ANYTHING FOR HER,
BUT I WAS BEING MANIPULATED
INTO DOING AND SAYING THINGS
THAT I DON'T WANT
TO [bleep] SAY.
I AM NOT EXCITED ABOUT BEING
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF LISA.
I'M NOT 100% PREPARED
TO GO UP AGAINST HER.
I JUST... I GOT PLAYED.