The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Tough Break - full transcript
Brandi takes Yolanda to her hometown of Sacramento, where she'll be reading from her book. Brandi is more concerned, however, with seeing her father, from whom she's been estranged for months. Yolanda sings Brandi's praises and Brandi and her dad reach an understanding. Back in Beverly Hills, Joyce organizes a self-defense class for the group and finally the women manage to fight without tears or hurt feelings.
- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I WILL BE KIND TO YOU
AND NOT CALL YOU
ANY OTHER NAME THAN JOYCE.
- I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOU
CALLING YOU THE THINGS
THAT I CALLED YOU
BECAUSE I AM WOMAN ENOUGH
TO ACCEPT MY MISTAKES.
- DON'T TOUCH ME! EW!
LIKE, DON'T COME NEAR ME.
- OKAY. [chuckles]
- I AM NOT A PRUDE AT ALL. YEAH.
YAY!
- CHICA. CHICA!
- EVERY SINGLE DOOR
HAS TO BE HIT.
I KNOW I NEED TO STAY POSITIVE.
I JUST CAN'T. I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I'M GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS
AND PUTTING UP SIGNS
FOR A DOG THAT I THINK
GOT KILLED BY COYOTES.
- HEY, B.
- YOU KNOW, I'M COMING
TO SACRAMENTO ON DAD'S BIRTHDAY.
AM I GONNA BE INVITED?
[chuckles]
THINGS WITH MY DAD
ARE NOT AMAZING RIGHT NOW.
HE WAS VERY OFFENDED
BY MY OSCAR DRESS.
I MEAN, LIKE,
GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO THAT?
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER
YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.
- YOU COULD NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY, LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- HELLO.
- HI, HONEY.
- HI.
YAY. - HOW ARE YOU?
MWAH.
- REALLY, WHAT WAS THAT?
HALF-MOUTH?
Both: MWAH.
[laughter] - YOU GET ALL MINE.
MWAH. - ALWAYS.
HI, BABY GIRL.
WE HAVE OUR POOL PARTY
EVERY YEAR.
THEY ARE JUST UNINHIBITED,
AND WE DON'T SKIMP ON ANYTHING.
WE WANT PEOPLE
TO HAVE A GREAT TIME.
- GIRLS AUDITIONING GIRLS. RAWR.
- RAWR!
- IT'S THE PUSSY POWER.
- WE REALLY DO THINK
ABOUT ENTERTAINING EVERYBODY,
SO WE ALWAYS GET IT CATERED
AND WE HAVE GIRLS.
- HI.
- HI.
- HELLO. COME ON IN.
TARA, NICE TO MEET YOU. HI.
- HI.
GIRLS ON POLES,
GIRLS ON OUR INTERIOR BALCONIES.
WE LIKE TO CELEBRATE BEAUTY,
ESPECIALLY IN WOMEN.
WE PROBABLY HAVE TEN GIRLS
POSSIBLY JUST COMING TODAY
JUST TO AUDITION,
AND WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR
IS TO HIRE FOUR GIRLS.
YOU CAN SHOW THEM
WHERE TO CHANGE.
THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
[giggles]
THEY'RE REALLY PRETTY.
- ARE THEY?
- YEAH, I HOPE THEY'RE
AS TALENTED AS PRETTINESS.
- THEY'RE NOT GONNA DO IT
NAKEY, ARE THEY?
- NO.
- I DON'T WANNA SEE THEM
GET NAKEY.
- OKAY, BABE.
- NOT YET.
- JUST US.
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
- [laughs]
- YOU CAN GET NAKEY.
- YOU GET NAKED.
- YOU GET NAKEY.
- YOU GET NAKED FIRST.
- YOU.
- I THINK BOTH OF YOU
SHOULD GET NAKED.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- THERE'S NOTHING NEGATIVE
ABOUT WHAT WE DO
WHEN WE HAVE PARTIES.
IT REALLY IS IN CELEBRATION
OF WOMEN.
[cheers and applause]
- IS THIS TOO MUCH?
- NO, IT'S NOT TOO MUCH.
- NEVER TOO MUCH.
- I THINK THE FEMALE BODY
HONESTLY IS A...
IS A WORK OF ART.
IT'S LYRICAL. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
IT'S BEAUTY.
YAY! I'M HAPPY! [laughter]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[chuckling]
THEY'RE DOIN'
A PRETTY DECENT JOB.
I MEAN, NOT TO THE LEVEL
THAT I REALLY EXPECTED
AND WANTED TO SEE.
I WANT SOMEBODY THAT KNOWS
HOW TO WORK THE POLE
IN A POSITIVE WAY.
- UH, YEAH.
WELL, DID YOU LIKE THEM SO FAR?
- I DID, BUT I DO
WANT SOME POLE WORK.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE IDEA.
- TO CLIMB UP ON THE POLE.
- YEAH.
- AND ARE WE PICKING PEOPLE
THAT YOU LIKE
OR THAT DAVID LIKES?
- AH!
THEY LIKE THE SAME. [laughter]
- YES.
- AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
[laughter]
- 'CAUSE I'VE KNOWN THEM
SO LONG.
- HM. HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THEM?
[laughter]
both: HEY. - AND WE HAVE DIANA.
[cheers and applause]
- DON'T HOLD BACK. AT ALL.
- YEAH.
- AY, YI, YI.
- THIS IS WHAT WE WANT, BABY.
YEAH. [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[giggling]
[laughter and applause]
- OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S NOTHING
TO THINK ABOUT HERE,
SO WE WOULD LOVE IF YOU'RE
AVAILABLE THE 13TH.
THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.
- I WOULD LOVE THAT.
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
- OH, MY GOSH.
- OH, MY GOD.
- YEAH, BABY.
- WHOO. [laughter]
[dog barks]
- SUGAR.
COME TO YOUR MOMMY.
COME HERE.
OH, BOOBA-LOOGA.
I KNOW. I DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER.
HE JUST RUINED MY BED.
THE BEST WAY TO RELIEVE
MY KIDS' WORRY ABOUT CHICA
IS TO GET A NEW DOG RIGHT AWAY.
[dog whimpers]
HI, STUPID. HI.
SO WE GO TO THE SHELTER,
AND THE BOYS PICK OUT BUDDY.
WHY WOULD YOU PEE IN THE BED?
[doorbell rings]
OH, COME ON. SOMEBODY'S HERE.
BUDDY IS NOT CHICA.
- OH.
- HE JUST PEED ON MY COMFORTER.
JUST NOW.
- OH, HE'S SO CUTE, THOUGH.
- YOU CAN HAVE HIM.
BUDDY LIFTS HIS LEG
WHEN HE PEES,
WHICH IS DISGUSTING,
AND HE'S OBSESSED WITH ME.
I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT.
HE GOES EVERYWHERE WITH ME.
I HATE IT.
- DID YOU SAVE HIM
FROM BEING PUT DOWN?
- YES, OF COURSE.
- OH!
YOU LOVE HIM. I CAN TELL YOU DO.
- I...
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS DOG,
I THINK ABOUT THE OTHER DOGS,
EVEN THOUGH
THE KIDS ARE HAPPIER. - YEAH.
I DO...
- IT'S GONNA TAKE A WHILE, BRAN.
- I KNOW. IT'S ONLY BEEN...
I'VE ONLY HAD HIM FOR A DAY,
BUT I'M GOING TO SACRAMENTO.
I HAVE A BOOK SIGNING THERE.
IT'S A HUGE DEAL FOR ME
TO BE ASKED
TO HOST SOMETHING IN SACRAMENTO
WITH MY FAMILY THERE TO SEE,
LIKE, I'VE "MADE IT."
HAPPENS TO FALL
ON MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY.
HE'S UPSET THAT, IN THE BOOK,
I SAID HE WAS A DRUG DEALER...
BECAUSE HE WASN'T ACTUALLY
A DRUG DEALER.
HE WAS A MARIJUANA GROWER AND
"DISTRIBUTOR" TO OUR NEIGHBOR...
- WELL, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
- I DON'T SEE
HOW IT'S THAT DIFFERENT, BUT...
- WELL, IT IS DIFFERENT, YOU...
- BUT HE DID IT.
HE LIKED THE BOOK
FOR THE WHOLE TIME, AND THEN
ALL OF A SUDDEN, ONE DAY...
- AND THEN HIS FRIENDS
DIDN'T LIKE IT. - YEAH.
MY DAD, WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER,
WAS VERY HIPPIE.
I MEAN, I'M SCARRED
BY THE AMOUNT OF TIMES
I SAW THE MAN NAKED. [laughs]
AS HE'S GOTTEN OLDER,
HE'S KIND OF GONE
TO A MORE CONSERVATIVE SPACE,
SO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE
THIS NEW GUY GLANVILLE.
- HE MUST BE PROUD OF YOU,
EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING.
- WELL, I DON'T THINK SO.
- ARE YOU TAKING YOLANDA
WITH YOU?
- YEAH. YOLANDA'S GONNA COME.
- I WANTED TO GO.
- I KNOW, I WISH YOU COULD COME.
I JUST FEEL LIKE YOLANDA
IS SO RELATABLE.
YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW SHE HAD
THAT CRAZY KIND OF MONEY.
WHEREAS IF IT WAS LISA COMING,
MY DAD MIGHT'VE BEEN INTIMIDATED
BY THE DIAMONDS
AND THE "DARLING."
YO'S A LITTLE MORE NORMAL.
- THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD PACKING,
BY THE WAY.
I'M NOT NAGGING YOU
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
- UH...
- I KNOW I...
- I MEAN, THAT'S ANOTHER THING.
- GIVE IT TO ME NOW.
GIVE IT TO ME NOW.
YOU ARE NOT DOING THAT.
- LISTEN, I'M A GROWN WOMAN.
I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT ME,
BUT IT'S NOT AN ISSUE.
- NO, I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT
I'M STILL GONNA LOOK AFTER YOU
AND LOOK OUT FOR YOU.
I THINK YOU'RE BEING
OVERSENSITIVE TO THIS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE I'M NOT IN A GOOD PLACE
RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF MY DOG.
MAYBE I MISS MY [bleep] DOG.
- THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
- AND I HAVE THIS LITTLE [bleep]
PEEING EVERYWHERE,
AND I DON'T LOVE HIM YET,
AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HIM,
I THINK OF MY DOGS
AND MY POOR KIDS,
AND THEN THIS...
ALL THIS OTHER [bleep]
GOING ON WITH MY DAD.
- THE BRANDI I NORMALLY SEE
IS KIND OF
UPBEAT AND BUBBLY,
AND SHE'S QUITE TOUGH,
BUT THIS TO ME LOOKS LIKE
A WHOLE DIFFERENT SITUATION.
SHE LOOKS LIKE
A LITTLE BROKEN BIRD.
I WANT, AS A FRIEND,
TO HELP HER GET THROUGH.
- [crying]
I JUST WANNA LIVE A NORMAL LIFE,
AND I WANT MY DOG BACK.
[cries]
- IF I FEEL I'M FALLING,
I'VE GOT KEN THERE TO CATCH ME.
HER HUSBAND BUGGERED OFF
WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
THAT IS DEVASTATING.
WE CAN NEVER FORGET
THAT SHE'S ON HER OWN.
IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT SCENARIO.
- MY FAMILY'S, LIKE, FALLING
[bleep] APART, AND I JUST...
- STOP IT, I DON'T LIKE
SEEING YOU LIKE THIS.
SNAP OUT OF IT.
HUH?
- I'M TRYING.
- WOW, THAT'S A BIG CAR
FOR TWO LITTLE SKINNY GIRLS
FROM BEVERLY HILLS.
IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HOLLAND.
IN HOLLAND,
WE DIDN'T HAVE LIMOS.
- YOU JUST HAD MULES?
- WE JUST HAD HORSES.
- I GOT INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE
IN THIS CITY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
THIS IS WHERE I WORKED
AT AN OLD PEOPLE'S HOME
CALLED SPRIGHTLY SENIORS.
ME AND ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS
WERE WAITRESSES,
AND THEN WE WOULD
STEAL THE ALCOHOL
AFTER THEY WENT TO SLEEP.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
- YEAH.
- YOU WERE NAUGHTY.
- YEAH.
THAT'S WHERE I USED
TO RIDE MY BIKE
TO GO TO THE CANDY STORE.
- THAT LOOKS SHADY TO ME.
- [laughs]
AT THE TIME, THERE WAS
A LOT OF GANG VIOLENCE.
LIKE, THE GANG PREVALENCE
WAS REALLY...
LIKE AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL,
WE HAD SHOOTINGS.
- IN HOLLAND, WE DIDN'T
HAVE ANY GANGS, YOU KNOW?
- THERE WAS A LOT
OF FINANCIAL ISSUES
IN MY HOUSEHOLD GROWING UP.
WE WOULD STAND NEXT TO THE DOOR
AND LISTEN TO THEM
FIGHT ABOUT MONEY.
FOR ME, IT WAS, LIKE, MY PEERS.
LIKE, THEY ALL LIVED ON ONE SIDE
OF THE RAILROAD TRACKS
AND I LIVED ON THE OTHER,
SO THEY WERE LIKE,
"OH, WE DON'T WANT
TO DRIVE OVER THERE.
WE'RE SCARED
TO DRIVE OVER THERE."
- I'M EXCITED FOR TONIGHT.
- ME TOO.
- I GOT A CARD FOR YOUR DADDY.
- AW. YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- YEAH. SO I HOPE HE COMES.
- I HOPE HE COMES TOO.
MY HOPE IS TO GET THINGS
BACK ON TRACK WITH MY DAD.
I MEAN, I LOVE THAT MAN
LIKE CRAZY.
I NEED THINGS TO BE NORMAL.
NORMALLY, WE TALK
ALMOST EVERY DAY.
I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM
IN MONTHS.
HE DOESN'T EVEN ANSWER MY TEXTS.
- YOU GOTTA TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
I KNOW YOU HAVE
A LOT OF UNRESOLVED ISSUES,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU GOTTA JUST TRY TO LET IT GO.
- COMING UP...
- BAM! AND I JUST LOOKED.
- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL...
- BUT EVEN THE GUN WAS... OH.
- DON'T... POINT THE GUN THAT WAY.
- [laughs and snorts]
- ALWAYS...
- HEY, DAD, IT'S BRANDI.
- YOU WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR MOM?
- HI, HOW ARE YOU? THANK YOU.
HI. - ARE YOU CHECKING IN?
- YES.
- WHAT'S THE LAST NAME?
- FOSTER.
- SO YOU GUYS HAVE
A BUSY EVENING PLANNED TONIGHT?
- WE DO, I THINK
THERE'S A BOOK SIGNING
HERE IN THE HOTEL. - YES.
- THAT'S ME.
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
HAVE DINNER WITH MY FAMILY.
- THE QUEEN OF SACRAMENTO.
- HERE WE ARE, LADIES.
- OH, WOW... OH, WOW!
- WOW!
THIS IS ONE SEXY ROOM. - OH!
DAVID IS GONNA BE JEALOUS.
- EXACTLY.
LET'S SEE. - DON'T... OH, MY GOSH.
GET READY.
[plays piano haphazardly]
- OH, MY G... [laughter]
- IS THIS, LIKE,
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE?
- IT IS.
- IS IT?
- REALLY?
- YEAH, THIS IS...
- WHO STAYED HERE
THAT WE WOULD KNOW?
- BARACK OBAMA?
- NO.
- WHO STAYED HERE...
- I CAN TELL YOU SOMEBODY.
Both: WHO?
- MR. SCHWARZENEGGER.
- EW! GET OUT OF THE BED!
- AH! [laughs]
- OH, NO!
- GET THE BLACK LIGHT!
GET THE BLACK LIGHT! OH!
- OH! BLACK LIGHT!
- I KNEW...
- WHERE ARNOLD GOES,
A BLACK LIGHT NEEDS TO FOLLOW.
CHEERS TO MY DAD.
IT'S SO PRETTY.
- THAT IS REALLY PRETTY.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY DAD'S
GONNA SAY?
- WHAT?
- "OF COURSE YOU HAVE THIS ROOM.
YOU'RE SO FANCY AND HOLLYWOOD."
- OH.
- I MEAN, I THINK.
- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, BABE?
YOU GOTTA REMEMBER ONE THING.
WHEN HE SAYS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
IT'S ONLY COMING
FROM HIS INSECURITY.
SO YOU GOTTA FEEL EMPATHY
FOR THAT
AND NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL.
- I KNOW, I DO, I FEEL BAD,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO FEEL BAD
FOR MY SUCCESS.
- OUR PARENTS CAN REACH
THE DEEPEST PART OF US.
MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY,
DON'T FORGET
WHERE YOU CAME FROM."
LIKE, SHE WANTS TO KEEP ME DOWN.
YOU KNOW, I WANT YOUR MOM
AND DAD TO ENJOY THIS TONIGHT.
- YEAH, I HOPE THEY COME.
- 'CAUSE THIS IS SPECIAL.
THEY SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOU.
HUH? - MY MOM'S PROUD OF ME.
THEY'RE PROUD OF ME. - YES.
YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU TOO.
TRUST ME.
YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU.
I KNOW FOR SURE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN BRANDI
THIS VULNERABLE AND NERVOUS
EVER BEFORE.
IT'S MAKING ME NERVOUS.
- I'M GONNA CALL MY MOM
AND SEE IF MY DAD'S COMING.
[phone ringing]
- NOBODY'S ANSWERING YOUR...
- [on phone] HELLO?
- HEY, DAD, IT'S BRANDI.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MOM?
JUDY, IT'S BRANDI.
- HI.
- [on phone] YOUR DAD'S
GETTING IN THE SHOWER.
HE SAID, "IF SHE BRINGS UP
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
IT'S GONNA BE ALL OVER.
IT'S NOT GONNA BE NICE."
- ALL RIGHT. LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO, BABE.
GOOD LUCK.
- [chuckles] I'M GONNA NEED IT.
- WE ALL ARE. OKAY, BYE.
- BYE.
[beep]
[sighs]
- IS MY WARDROBE BADASS ENOUGH
FOR SHOOTING?
- FOR SURE.
- [laughs]
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WARDROBE.
- HEY. [gunshot]
- I'M TOM.
- TOM, GREAT TO MEET YOU.
I'M MICHAEL. - HI, TOM.
SO NICE TO MEET YOU. [gunfire]
- I HEAR YOU'RE GONNA LEARN
HOW TO SHOOT TODAY.
- I'M EXCITED.
- YES, YES, THANK YOU
FOR DOING THIS.
- LOOK, I HAVE A GUN.
- LET'S GO DO IT.
- THERE WE GO.
- LET'S DO IT.
WE DO HAVE A GUN IN THE HOUSE,
AND IF SOMEBODY'S
GONNA COME INTO MY HOUSE
TO HARM MY BABIES OR MY HUSBAND
OR MY FAMILY,
THEN I'M GONNA BE READY
TO USE THAT GUN.
POOM! POOM! POOM! LIKE THAT?
- NOT QUITE LIKE THAT.
WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN LEARNING HOW TO SHOOT?
- I WANT HER TO LEARN TO PROTECT
HERSELF BETTER WITH THE GUN.
WE HAD A LITTLE...
WE HAD AN INCIDENT, ACTUALLY.
- AND IT WAS, LIKE,
9:00 ON A SUNDAY NIGHT,
AND WE HAD TWO GUYS
WALKING UP OUR DRIVEWAY
COMING STRAIGHT TO US
WITH TWO SHOTGUNS,
SKI MASK, ALL IN BLACK.
- THEY NEVER GOT IN...
- THEY DIDN'T GET IN
BECAUSE THIS ONE,
FOR SOME REASON, HE'S LIKE,
"LOOK, BABY, THERE'S ROBBERS!
CALL 911! SUSHI, ATTACK!"
AND MY DOG, OUR BOXER,
SHE'S TRAINED TO ATTACK.
SHE... WHEN HE GOES,
"SUSHI, ATTACK,"
SHE LITERALLY STARTED ATTACKING
AND BROKE THE GLASS
WITH HER HEAD.
- MM-HMM.
- AND... BUT...
- I THINK THE BOXER SAVED US,
BY THE WAY.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE,
I BOUGHT MACHETES,
I BOUGHT PEPPER SPRAY, I HAVE
BATS BEHIND EVERY CURTAIN.
I'M GONNA BE READY.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WAIT, WAIT...
WOW, BABY! - OH, I GOT A...
- BABY, YOU'RE SO HOT.
- I GOT AN EAR
OF THE PERPETRATOR.
- YOU SAY YOU'VE NEVER HANDLED
A FIREARM OR A HANDGUN BEFORE?
- I DID IT FOR A MOVIE.
- THAT... WE DON'T COUNT
FAKE STUFF.
- I DID...
PAM! AND I JUST LOOKED...
- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL...
- BUT EVEN THE GUN WAS FAKE.
- DON'T...
POINT THE GUN THAT WAY.
- OH. [laughs]
- ALWAYS... THIS IS
THE BUSINESS END OF THE GUN.
- [snorts]
- YOU KEEP IT THAT WAY
AT ALL TIMES, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
- [laughs]
- YEAH.
YOU DON'T DO THAT TO A GUN.
- [laughs]
- OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU
POINTING THAT?
KEEP IT DOWNRANGE.
PULL THE HAMMER BACK.
OKAY, PUT YOUR FINGER
ON THE TRIGGER.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR HAIR.
AND THEN VERY GENTLY
SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER.
OKAY. - WHERE DID I SHOOT?
- YOU HIT THE CARDBOARD.
- I DON'T LIKE IT.
- YOU'RE CLOSE, YOU'RE CLOSE.
- I SUCK.
- OKAY, IT TAKES TIME.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.
- OKAY.
- BUT YOU DIDN'T HIT
YOUR TARGET.
- I'M SAD.
- STEADY, EVEN PRESSURE
ON THAT TRIGGER.
- NICE. BEAUTIFUL, BABY.
NOW WE'RE TALKING!
NICE. - WHOO!
I LOVE IT. I LIKE DOING IT.
- YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD.
YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD.
- I LIKE IT.
IT MAKES ME FEEL
REALLY BADASS-Y.
POOM! POOM! POOM! POOM! POOM!
- THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.
IS THAT GONNA GO
ON THE FRIDGE OR ON EBAY?
- THAT'S... THAT'S GONNA GO
MAYBE IN MY CLOSET.
I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT DOING
THIS SELF DEFENSE FOREVER.
I'M REALLY GONNA SET IT UP.
EVER SINCE GETTING ROBBED,
I'VE BEEN WANTING
TO DO A SELF DEFENSE CLASS.
I WANT TO BE PREPARED
FOR ANY KIND OF BAD GUY...
OR GIRL, 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.
SOME CAN BE REALLY MEAN.
- ALL OF THE GIRLS?
- YEAH, ALL OF THEM.
I MEAN, THE ONLY ONE THAT
I REALLY HAD AN ISSUE BEFORE
WAS WITH BRANDI,
BUT SHE APOLOGIZED,
SO WE'RE DONE, SO... - ALL RIGHT.
- I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BADASS.
[gunshot]
- NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING?
- MM. WOW.
- OVER HERE, COME HERE.
- WOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF PEOPLE HERE.
SO THIS IS THE WAY BRANDI LIVES.
- [humming]
I'M [bleep] SCARED.
ANY TIME I GET TOGETHER
WITH MY MOM AND DAD
OR MY BROTHER AND SISTER,
WE TURN INTO KIDS AGAIN.
WE START, LIKE, BICKERING
AND ACTING LIKE BRATS,
AND WE'RE JUST EXPECTING
TO GET BACKHANDED BY A PARENT.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- OH! HI, GIRLS!
- OH, THERE YOU ARE.
- COME HERE!
- OH, MY GOSH, LOOK AT THEM!
- HI! OH, MY GOD!
- HI.
- HI, YOLANDA, HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO MEET YOU.
- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- YOLANDA'S WITH ME
TO FLIRT WITH MY DAD
TO MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE
WITH ME AGAIN.
- HAPPY... AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- SHE WAS SO EXCITED
ABOUT SEEING THE GIRLS.
- BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
- THANK YOU FOR COMING.
- BRANDI, THAT'S
A BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY. THANK YOU.
- HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE YOU DOING? - I'M OKAY.
- OKAY.
- I WAS NOT 100% SURE
THAT MY DAD WAS GONNA MAKE IT.
HI!
I'M WORRIED
AND I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS.
I'M SO GLAD
THAT MY DAD HAS COME TODAY,
BUT I'M ALSO THINKING,
"WHAT AM I GONNA DO
TO [bleep] THIS UP?"
- GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY
FABULOUS GUESTS
TO KICK OFF THIS PRIDE WEEKEND.
WE ARE SO VERY EXCITED
TO HAVE SACRAMENTO NATIVE
BRANDI GLANVILLE
HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
THANK YOU, LOVE.
I WANTED TO SAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD,
WHO'S HERE WITH MY MOM. all: AW!
- I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE,
AND EVERYBODY SAY...
HAS TO SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
GUY GLANVILLE."
I'M GONNA... ON THREE, READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE.
All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
GUY GLANVILLE.
- I'M EVEN SAYING IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
[laughter]
- BEFORE WE GET STARTED,
I JUST WANT TO TAKE
ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU GUYS
MIGHT HAVE FOR ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE GONNA ASK ME, BUT...
- I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
ABOUT YOUR EARLY GAYS.
- OH. OH. [laughter]
MY MOM... THEY'RE... THEY HAD...
MY MOM'S NOT GAY.
[laughter]
I... MAYBE SHE IS. I DON'T KNOW.
NO, MY PARENTS' BEST FRIENDS
HAD A SON
THAT CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET,
AND THEY KICKED HIM
OUT OF THE HOUSE,
AND MY PARENTS GAVE UP
THAT FRIENDSHIP
TO MOVE JOSEPH INTO OUR HOUSE
AND LET HIM SLEEP ON OUR COUCH
AND LET HIM LIVE WITH US
BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
THAT WAS RIDICULOUS.
[cheers and applause]
- WE LOVE YOU, MOM!
- YEAH! [cheers and applause]
- LOVE IS LOVE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
- WELL, WE'RE DEFINITELY
TEAM BRANDI.
- THANK YOU.
[all cheering]
ALL RIGHT, SO AT THIS POINT,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK THE GIRLS
TO STEP OUTSIDE. [laughter]
SO WHEN I WENT BACK
TO READ THIS BOOK TODAY
TO REMIND MYSELF
OF WHAT I WROTE, I WAS LIKE,
"OH, WOW, I'VE COME
A LONG WAY FROM THIS."
"MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THREE
SIMPLE TRUTHS IN THIS WORLD
THAT EVERYONE SHOULD RECOGNIZE."
SHE'S NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.
"EVERYBODY HAS BEEN DUMPED,
EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS,
AND EVERYBODY HATES ANAL."
[laughter]
"UNLESS YOU'RE GAY,
AND EVEN THEN, IT'S A MAYBE.
THESE ARE TRUTHS, PEOPLE."
"OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS,
I WATCHED MY WORLD EXPLODE
"RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, AND
AFTER FOUR DECADES OF LIVING,
"TWO CHILDREN,
AND ONE COSTLY DIVORCE,
"I'M THRILLED
TO BE MEETING BRANDI,
AND CAN I BE HONEST?
I THINK SHE'S AMAZING."
UGH. OH!
[crowd members cheering]
- SHE'S GOOD.
- SHE'S A GOOD GIRL.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF HER.
[cheers and applause]
- COMING UP...
- I HAD ALL THE POT.
- CUT IT RIGHT THERE.
- LIKE THAT?
- YEAH, SO RIGHT NOW...
[squeezed]
CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE?
I MEAN, I'M NOT FAKING IT NOW.
- HE'S TAPPING! HE'S TAPPING!
[all yelling]
- I'M TAPPING OUT. [all yelling]
- YOU KNOW, AND ONE THING TOO
WHEN YOU'RE COOKING,
RELAX, JUST ENJOY IT, 'CAUSE...
- RIGHT.
- WE'RE PUTTING ENERGY
IN THE FOOD.
PEOPLE FEEL...
WHEN YOU'RE COOKING,
PEOPLE FEEL THE ENERGY, I SWEAR.
MAURICIO,
LOOK WHAT YOUR WIFE MADE.
BEAUTIFUL. - OOH!
ARE THEY MEATBALLS?
- I WAS GUIDED AND HELPED.
- I KNOW.
I'M GIVING YOU THE CREDIT.
- SHABBAT IS ONCE A WEEK
FROM FRIDAY TO SATURDAY.
IT'S A TIME TO SLOW DOWN,
HAVE DINNERS,
SAY A PRAYER, LIGHT THE CANDLES.
JUST BEING HERE IN MY HOME
WITH MY FAMILY,
THAT IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.
THAT IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.
SEE, MY KIDS
ARE IN A JEWISH SCHOOL,
SO THEY CELEBRATE SHABBAT
EVERY FRIDAY.
- ARE YOU JEWISH?
- YES, I CONVERTED.
I GREW UP CATHOLIC.
ONCE MAURICIO AND I
HAD BEEN DATING FOR FOUR MONTHS,
HE CAME TO ME AND TOLD ME
THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME...
I COULD NEVER CUT THEM
AS FAST AS YOU.
AND HE ASKED ME THEN,
"WOULD YOU CONSIDER CONVERTING?"
AND FOR ME, REALLY,
IT WAS A NO-BRAINER,
BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH,
SO I THOUGHT, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
YES, I WILL, ABSOLUTELY."
- SO I NEED MY PREP CHEF
OVER HERE...
- OKAY.
- DARLING.
- YES.
- WITH YOUR APRON ON.
OH, MY GOD, I LOVE IT.
- SO THIS IS MY,
YOU KNOW, NICER ONE.
GROWING UP IN BEVERLY HILLS,
ALL MY FRIENDS WERE JEWISH,
AND I REALLY ADMIRED
THE TRADITIONS THAT I SAW.
MY MOM WASN'T THRILLED AT FIRST
WITH MY CONVERTING,
BUT SHE KNEW
THERE WAS NO STOPPING ME.
HI! HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU ROLLED THEM.
- SHARON, WHAT'S UP?
- MY SISTER IN LAW.
- OH, WOW. MWAH.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- MY BROTHER IN LAW, KENDALL.
- KENDALL.
- HOW YOU DOING?
- WHAT'S UP, BROTHER?
- I'M DOING WELL.
- SO MICHELLE IS CONVERTING
WITH OUR RABBI...
- OH.
- AND SHE TELLS ME,
"DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE, LIKE,
OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX
ON SHABBAT?"
SHABBAT SHALOM.
WHY DO YOU THINK I CONVERTED?
- WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...
[laughter]
- HELLO.
- HI.
- WELCOME TO DAWSON'S.
- MARCH, MARCH, MARCH.
MARCH, MARCH, MARCH.
- GUY, WHY DON'T YOU COME
AND SIT NEXT TO ME?
YEAH, PERFECT.
THIS IS YOUR LITTLE GIFT.
- OH, MY GOD.
LIKE I SAID, I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO GIVE YOU, BUT THIS...
- YOU DIDN'T NEED TO GIVE ME
ANYTHING.
- WELL, I WANTED
TO BRING YOU SOMETHING.
SO THESE ARE MUSIC SHOWS
THAT YOU CAN WATCH.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- JACKIE EVANCHO?
I LOVE JACKIE EVANCHO.
- DO YOU LIKE...
YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS?
OH, MY GOSH. - YOU'RE LUCKY
YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL BODYGUARD
TO PROTECT YOU.
- I KNOW, I...
TRUST ME, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE
WITHOUT HER.
- I'M JUST KIDDING, BRANDI.
- YOUR DAD WAS PROUD.
- BRAN, IF THERE'S A SHOT
THAT REPRESENTS SACRAMENTO,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, UM...
KAMI... [bleep]... KAZE, BITCH.
- I THINK SACRAMENTO IS WELL
REPRESENTED WITH A KAMIKAZE.
- OUR NUMBER ONE DRINK
WHEN WE WERE, LIKE, YOUNGER...
LIKE, 17 BY THE WAY?
- WHEN YOU WERE DOING
THE BAR SCENE AT 17?
- NO, WE WERE GOING TO THE BARS
AT 15, DAD.
- AND WERE YOU GUYS DRINKING?
- YEAH.
- OH, YEAH.
- I HAD ALL THE POT,
'CAUSE I STOLE IT FROM... BUT...
- YEAH, WE... LET'S NOT GO THERE.
- YEAH, EXACTLY,
LET'S CHANGE THAT SUBJECT.
- I HAVE FOOT-IN-MOUTH DISEASE.
CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
I LOVE YOU. - I KNOW YOU DO.
LET'S... LET'S JUST...
CUT IT RIGHT THERE.
- MY FATHER'S, LIKE,
ONE OF THE ONLY MEN IN MY LIFE,
AND WHEN I HAVE PROBLEMS
WITH MY ROCK,
I KIND OF FALL APART.
- [laughs]
SOPHIA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- I'M GOING TO PUT SHOES ON TOO.
- NO, NO, NO,
YOU KEEP LEAVING, ALL OF YOU.
- WHO WANTS TO DO THE PRAYER
OF THE HAMOTZI, THE CHALLAH?
- WHEN I WAS GROWING UP
AND I WOULD SEE
MY JEWISH FRIENDS
CELEBRATING SHABBAT,
I ALWAYS LOVED SEEING HOW ALL
THE FAMILY WOULD COME TOGETHER,
LIGHT THE CANDLES
AND SAY PRAYERS.
IT GAVE ME A SENSE OF SECURITY.
- WELL, NOAH AND SOPHIA
ARE HAVING THEIR BAR MITZVAHS
THIS YEAR.
SO MUCH FUN. - YAY!
YAY.
AS SOMEONE WHO CONVERTED
TO JUDAISM,
I TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
HAVING MY DAUGHTER
HAVE A BAT MITZVAH
IS SOMETHING THAT IS
REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME,
AND OF COURSE,
I LOVE THROWING A PARTY.
- WE THINK WE'RE GONNA DO IT
HERE AT THE HOUSE.
- NO, WE... HONEY, NOT "WE THINK."
- NO, WE ARE DOING IT HERE.
- WE ARE DOING IT AT THE HOUSE.
- WE'RE DOING IT AT THE HOUSE.
- YOU KNOW, WE'RE A LITTLE MORE
ORGANIZED THAN YOU REALIZE.
- ALL RIGHT,
SO BRING US UP TO DATE.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED
TO KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES
WITH THESE OVER-THE-TOP PARTIES.
- OKAY, WE'RE DOING IT
AT THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL...
- WE ALREADY HAVE THE DATE.
- YEAH.
- SOPHIA WANTS IT AT THE HOUSE.
WE ALREADY KNOW THAT.
- LIKE, ALEXIA'S BAT MITZVAH,
I THOUGHT...
I MEAN, WAS THAT AMAZ...
WAS THAT PERFECT?
- YEAH, I LOVED MINE.
- JUST THE OTHER DAY,
SHE KIND OF ASKED ME
IF THE BUDGET WAS OKAY
FOR THE BAT MITZVAH,
AND I ASKED HER
IF I HAD A CHOICE.
- PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN
HAVE GOTTEN SO OUT OF CONTROL
WITH THE BAT MITZVAHS AND
BAR MITZVAHS, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S CRAZY. CRAZY.
- CIRCUSES.
- BIG SINGERS, WHERE THEY PAY
A MILLION DOLLARS
FOR THEIR APPEARANCE.
- MULTIPLE EVENTS.
- MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR PARTIES.
- RENTING OUT MUSEUMS.
- I'M NOT THROWING
A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR PARTY
FOR SOPHIA,
BUT IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.
- I'D LIKE MINE TO BE
VERY BIG AND EXTRAVAGANT.
- YOU LIKE PURPLE.
YOUR ROOM'S PURPLE.
- YOU WANT TO MAKE IT ELEGANT,
OR MORE PARTY?
- BOTH.
EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE PARTY,
BUT NOBODY'S INVITED
TO THE SERVICE.
- SO SHE JUST WANTS
THE PRESENTS.
SHABBAT SHALOM! THANK YOU, GUYS.
- HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WE HAVE A LOT OF ISSUES
WE GOTTA...
- BUT EVERY... EVERY FAMILY DOES.
- I KNOW, YEAH.
- IT'S... YOU KNOW?
MAYBE YOU AND HER
SHOULD HAVE A COFFEE,
AND JUST THE TWO OF YOU...
- YEAH, I MEAN, THIS IS
A BIG STEP ALREADY. - YEAH.
- EVEN IF WE...
THIS IS JUST A BIG STEP, AND...
THIS COULD BE ENOUGH
FOR RIGHT NOW.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW.
- UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.
- RIGHT.
- YEAH, LET IT SIT FOR A WHILE.
- HERE, DAD. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- OH, MY.
THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
- I GAVE MY DAD A BIRTHDAY CARD,
AND I JUST SAID, BASICALLY,
"I HOPE THAT THINGS
WILL GET BETTER."
- IT WILL. IT WILL.
- I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR HER
THAT YOU WERE GONNA BE HERE.
- AND I'VE... WE GOTTA GET THIS
SORTED OUT. THIS IS...
- I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER MET
ANYBODY AS STUBBORN AS YOU.
LIKE, ALL THAT...
- STUBBORN HAS
ITS GOOD POSITIVES TOO.
- SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.
- SHE'S HARDHEADED, SO SHE...
- WELL, SHE GOT THAT FROM YOU.
- [laughs] YEAH.
- [laughs]
NO MATTER HOW MUCH A CHILD
DISAPPOINTS YOU,
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU'RE PROUD OF THEM.
YOU LOVE THEM AND YOU'RE PROUD
OF THEIR SUCCESS.
I'M LIKE THAT TOO.
I GOT IT FROM MY MOM, YOU KNOW?
STUBBORN, BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S...
- BUT YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL.
- AND SO IS SHE, YOU KNOW?
THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN HER
ON TOP OF...
BACK ON TOP OF HER LIFE.
- AND... WELCOME TO OUR ROOM.
- OH, MY GOD, THIS IS AMAZING.
- IS THIS HER PLACE?
- COME ON, GIRLS.
- ISN'T IT NICE OUTSIDE?
LOOK AT THAT.
- WHOA, LOOKIT! THE LIGHTS.
- LOOK AT THAT, BRANDI.
HOW YOU DOING?
- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- [laughs] HI, MY NAME'S GUY.
- CAN I TAKE MY SHOES OFF?
- JUST... JUST...
- MY NAME'S BRANDI.
- JUST KIDDING, SWEETHEART.
- I KNOW.
- MWAH.
- STAY HERE AND LET GRANDPA
TALK TO BRANDI.
I THINK THEY'RE HAVING
A LITTLE MOMENT.
- WHEN MY HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO,
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO TO CALL.
- I'M GLAD I CAME.
I CAME FOR YOUR MOM,
AND I'M GLAD I CAME.
AND WE WILL GO FORWARD, OKAY?
AND THE OUTFIT
LOOKS REALLY PRETTY.
- OH, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, DAD.
- I KNOW YOU DO.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD.
- THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
- I LOVE YOU.
- I KNOW, I LOVE YOU TOO.
- NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF AN ADULT
I HAVE TO ACT LIKE,
I'M STILL SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER.
I STILL NEED MY DAD.
- IT WILL GET BETTER.
IT'LL GET BETTER, OKAY?
- [sighs]
THAT WAS... IT WAS IMPORTANT.
IT WAS GOOD.
- COMING UP...
- NOBODY CAN TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
IN THE RING LIKE THIS.
- [grunts]
- OH!
[laughter] - OH, YEAH!
- WHOA. GOOD JOB THERE.
- HELLO. HI, ARE YOU TAMARA?
- HI. I AM.
- HI, I'M JOYCE. JOYCE.
- YOU'RE JOYCE.
NICE TO MEET YOU. HOW ARE YOU?
- THANK YOU SO M...
I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M WELL.
LARS, THIS IS JOYCE. - HI, LARS.
- HI, JOYCE.
- HI.
- HI, LARS, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
I THINK I'M A NATURAL FIGHTER.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW
THE PROPER TECHNIQUES
TO TAKE ON A 300-POUND MAN.
I WANT YOU GUYS TO TEACH
MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I
TO BE EMPOWERED.
I KNOW I CAN JUST PUNCH
AND SCRATCH AND KICK SOME ASS.
- YEAH.
- BUT YOU ALWAYS FEEL BETTER
IF YOU GO
FOR THE KEY PLACES. - TRUE.
- I NEVER KNEW
THAT HOME INVASIONS
WERE AS COMMON AS THEY ARE.
I WANT TO KNOW
THAT YOU DON'T JUST NEED A GUN.
YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELF TOO
AS A STRONG WOMAN.
- SO WHAT WE'RE THINKING
IS MAYBE DO
A LITTLE BIT ON THE MAT. - YES.
- THAT'S KIND OF... 'CAUSE
IT'S A SOFTER PADDING FOR THEM.
- UH-HUH.
- AND THEN ACTUALLY
MOVE MORE TO THE RING,
AND THAT'S TEACHING
A LITTLE BIT OF STRIKING.
I DON'T WANT TO GET
TOO TECHNICAL,
BUT I WANT THEM TO STILL FEEL...
LIKE YOU SAID, EMPOWERED,
SO THEY ARE ABLE TO STRIKE
IF THEY NEED TO, YOU KNOW?
- HELLO.
- IS THIS ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS?
- HI, YES.
- HI, I'M BRANDI.
- HI, BRANDI.
I'M TAMARA, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- THIS IS LARS.
- HI, NICE TO SEE YOU, HONEY.
- HI, LARS.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- OH, YES, YOU'RE VERY SWEATY.
LET'S NOT HUG. - [laughs]
- JOYCE AND I ARE NOT
THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M GONNA GO TELL HER
MY DEEP, DARK DAD SECRETS,
BUT YOU KNOW, I'M WILLING
TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE
AND PLAY NICE.
- HI, GIRLS.
- WATCHES OFF.
- HI!
- HI!
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- OH! HOW ARE YOU, HUH?
GIRLS BONDING
AND EXERCISING TOGETHER.
- GLAD YOU'RE BACK.
HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? GOOD?
- GOOD, HI.
- HI, LARS. NICE TO MEET YOU.
- YOLANDA. HOW ARE YOU?
I NEED A LITTLE SELF DEFENSE
SOMETIMES.
THE WEEK THAT GIGI WAS BORN,
I WAS NAKED IN MY BEDROOM,
BREASTFEEDING,
AND AN INTRUDER CAME
INTO THE DOUBLE DOOR
OF MY BEDROOM WITH A GUN.
WE LOOKED FOR A MOMENT,
AND HE TURNED AROUND AND RAN,
AND I WENT TO MY MOM'S ROOM,
GAVE THE BABY,
THREW ON A SHIRT
AND STARTED RUNNING AFTER HIM.
I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HAD
GOTTEN MY HANDS ON THAT GUY,
I WOULD HAVE MADE MASHED POTATO
OUT OF HIM, FOR SURE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.
JAB. THAT'S IT.
UPPERCUT. YOUR HAND.
AND THE HOOK. THAT'S IT.
- DON'T COME CLOSE TO MY KIDS,
BECAUSE I WILL KILL YOU.
- BAM!
- HI.
HI.
I AM VERY, VERY STRONG.
WITH MY... POWER,
IN THIS CLASS,
NOBODY'S GONNA MESS WITH ME.
BAM.
- CARLTON!
- [squeals and laughs]
LIKE...
- ARE YOU READY?
- YES.
- I WANT TO GIVE YOU GUYS
A CHANCE TO CHOKE ME.
- HUH?
- TO REALLY SEE HOW EASY IT IS
TO CHOKE SOMEONE OUT,
SO YOU UNDERSTAND.
IF YOU GO DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
BEHIND ME...
- OKAY.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
- A FIVE-YEAR-OLD PERSON
CAN DO THIS TO AN ADULT.
SAY THAT SOMEONE
ATTACKS YOUR HUSBAND,
HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT,
YOU COULD DEFINITELY
JUMP ON THE BACK
AND CHOKE THAT PERPETRATOR OUT
IN FOUR, MAYBE FIVE SECONDS.
AND THE MORE HE STRUGGLES,
THE FASTER HE WILL GO OUT.
NOW, I'VE NEVER
SHOWED THIS TO TAM,
AND YOU'RE GONNA SEE
HOW EASY IT IS.
SHE'S JUST GOTTA SQUEEZE
THOSE TWO ARMS TOGETHER.
[voice squeezed] HEAR MY VOICE?
LOOK AT MY COLOR CHANGING.
AND WHEN I TAP,
STOP IMMEDIATELY WHEN I TAP.
I WOULD GO OUT THERE, ABOUT
ONE SECOND AWAY FROM GOING OUT.
- I DON'T THINK YOU
WANT TO TEACH THESE WOMEN
HOW TO DO THIS.
YOU'RE PUTTING YOURSELF
AND ALL OF US IN DANGER NOW.
- HELLO.
- SHE'S ENJOYING THIS.
SHE'S ENJOYING THIS.
- OH, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
[overlapping chatter]
- LOOK AT YOU, SEX BOMB.
- DON'T PULL BACK.
JUST SQUEEZE TOGETHER
LIKE A SNAKE.
- WERE YOU TRYING
TO GET ATTACKED?
- EXACTLY.
- OH, YOU HAVE
TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
- THAT'S A LOT OF BOOBY
FOR A SELF DEFENSE CLASS.
- COME ON. AND WHEN I TAP,
LET GO, 'CAUSE YOU WILL KILL ME.
- THAT'S THE PERFECT VIEW.
[laughter]
- LIKE THAT?
- YEAH, SO RIGHT NOW...
[squeezed]
CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE?
I MEAN, I'M NOT FAKING IT NOW.
I'M TAPPING OUT.
- WHEN SOMEBODY TAPS,
IT'S LIKE, KEEP GOING, RIGHT?
- HE'S TAPPING! HE'S TAPPING!
[all yelling]
LET GO. [all yelling]
- OH. [laughter]
I MEAN, IF HE DIDN'T WANT IT,
HE SHOULD'VE
PULLED MY HAND AWAY.
- THAT WAS VERY CLOSE
TO MY PERFECT ENDING.
[laughs]
- I THINK HE LIKED IT.
- THANK YOU.
- SORRY.
[both laughing] - IT'S OKAY.
COMING OUT FROM THE SUPERMARKET,
WHEN YOU'RE LEANING OVER
IN THE CAR, YOU OPEN THE DOOR,
YOU'RE LEAST EXPECTING ANYTHING,
'CAUSE YOU'RE BUSY
PUTTING YOUR FOOD IN
OR WHATEVER IT MIGHT BE,
YOU GET A PUSH IN YOUR BACK.
- LISA'S NEVER BEEN
TO THE MARKET.
[laughter]
- WHERE IS IT?
CAN YOU GIVE ME DIRECTIONS?
- I ALWAYS HEARD, YOU KNOW,
KICK HIM IN THE BALLS.
- AND I WOULD NOT
PUNCH ON THE NUTS.
I WOULD GRAB THE NUTS
AS HARD AS I CAN...
- RIP THEM OFF.
- AND JUST CRUSH.
- TWIST 'EM OFF.
- BECAUSE WHEN YOU PUNCH
SOMETHING, I DON'T FEEL...
NOW, I FEEL THE PAIN,
BUT IT'S COMING SLOWLY.
YOU GRAB SOMETHING,
YOU INCREASE THE PAIN...
- CAN WE TRY? [laughter]
- I KNEW THIS IS GONNA
GO THERE, BUT...
ALL RIGHT, SO YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE BIT OF BOXING?
SHOULD WE GO IN THE RING
A LITTLE BIT?
- YOU GUYS READY?
- JAB, UPPERCUT, HOOK,
AND CROSS.
YOU DO IT RIGHT,
THE FOURTH PUNCH
IS GONNA BE THE MOST POWERFUL.
SO... ONE, HUH, HUH, HUH!
THAT'S THE KILLER.
- JAB, JAB.
- SOMEONE WANTS TO STEP IN
AND TRY? - I WANT TO FIGHT LARS.
I'D BE LYING IF I SAID
I'D NEVER BEEN IN A FIGHT.
- BLOCK THE BODY SHOTS.
- I'M NOT GOING FOR HIS NUTS.
- OKAY.
WELL, YOU SHOULD. - [laughs]
THE LAST PHYSICAL FIGHT
I WAS INVOLVED IN,
I WAS IN A GYM,
AND THIS WOMAN BUMPED INTO ME.
- THAT'S IT!
- AND THIS WOMAN
IS LITERALLY RUNNING AT ME
WITH HER ARMS SWINGING
LIKE A BLOODY WINDMILL.
- HERE WE GO.
- AND I BOPPED HER IN THE FACE.
BUT I DO NOT LIKE VIOLENCE.
I REALLY DON'T.
- [grunts] AND NOW,
WE'RE GONNA GO THE SECOND HAND.
WE'RE GONNA GO UPPERCUT.
- I THINK I BROKE A NAIL.
[laughs]
- I THINK IF I RAN
ACROSS CARLTON IN A DARK ALLEY,
I WOULDN'T BE SITTING HERE
RIGHT NOW.
- THAT'S IT.
WORK WITH THE PADS HERE.
AND AGAIN. - OKAY. [laughs]
I DO HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH,
AND I DO PACK
A GOOD [bleep] PUNCH.
[cheers and applause]
- YOU SEE, LIKE... IT'S, LIKE,
SMOKE COMING OUT OF THERE.
ONE MORE, ONE MORE.
- NOBODY CAN TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
IN THE RING LIKE THIS.
[laughs] - OKAY.
- OKAY, AND THE GLOVES ARE OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
- GIVE ME THE BIG DIAMOND.
- YOU GO TO YOUR CORNER.
YOU GUYS BEHAVE.
[bell dings] [laughter]
OKAY, READY?
[laughter]
- SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU
WITH THE BOOBIES.
- WHAT DO THEY WANT ME
TO COME IN, LIKE, A BALL GOWN?
WHOOP-DEE-DO! - RIGHT HERE.
- COME ON.
- OH!
[laughter] - OH, YES! YES!
- HE SEEMED A LITTLE DISTRACTED.
- AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
[all cheering]
- ALL RIGHT,
LET'S PAIR UP A LITTLE BIT.
- OUCH! [bleep]! KIM!
OH, STOP! [laughs]
WAIT, EW! SMELL MY HAND.
- EW.
- SMELL IT.
- SO WHO BEATS WHO?
WHO WOULD WIN IF YOU GUYS
WENT AT IT?
- WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
MY SISTER WOULD, LIKE,
HOLD ME DOWN.
- "OH, MY GOD, THIS IS
WHAT SHE USED TO DO AS A CHILD."
- DANGLE THINGS
AND TICKLE ME AND STUFF.
- GET BACK. GET BACK.
- I WAS THE BITER.
SHE WAS THE SCRATCHER.
- UPPERCUT.
GOTTA PROTECT MYSELF
WITH THIS GIRL.
- [laughs]
- WHAT'S MY NAME?
- ROLLING STONE.
- MINE'S BIGGER THAN YOURS.
[laughs]
- NOT A CHANCE, BABY.
- [laughs]
- KIM VERSUS KYLE?
I FEEL LIKE THEY'D
JUST GO TO THE DEATH.
[chuckles]
I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD WIN.
- KICK HER ASS
BEFORE SHE KICKS YOUR ASS.
- I WILL.
- KIM, DO NOT KICK ME
IN THE PENIS, IT HURTS. - OH.
- THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
[bell dings] - ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
- OH, WAIT, WE'RE...
- OH, SEE, THIS IS WHAT SHE DID
WHEN WE WERE LITTLE.
IT'S SO ANNOYING!
- OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!
- OH!
- YOU'VE GOT HER, KIM.
- GO, KYLE!
- OOH.
- GET OUT OF THE CORNER!
- OH! GET OUT OF...
- HEY! LOOK WHAT SHE'S
DOING TO ME!
[shouts] - ON THE GROUND.
- THIS IS THE SIDE
YOU DON'T SEE.
- ON THE GROUND.
- THIS IS THE KIM...
- YES.
- NICE!
- EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
- YOU'RE SUCH-
[laughter]
- YEAH, KIM! [laughs]
- [screams]
- [grunts]
- OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
- [panting]
- I LET YOU HAVE THAT.
- AND... TIME.
- KYLE WOUND UP ON TOP.
IT'S KIND OF INTERESTING
IF YOU LOOK AT LIFE IN GENERAL
FOR THEM.
- SHE JUST NEEDS TO KNOW
WHO'S THE BOSS.
- JUST ANOTHER DAY IN
THE RICHARDS SISTER HOUSEHOLD.
- WE'RE GONNA GO
ONE FOR THE JAB...
BAM, AND THEN BAM.
- SO ONE, TWO...
- THEN YOU GOTTA STEP IN...
THAT'S IT.
HUH, HUH, AND THEN... THAT'S IT.
- [screams]
- GOOD.
[women cheering] - GO, B!
- SECOND TIME. SO ONE, TWO...
AH, AH. AH. [chuckles]
- I WANT TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE.
- I KNOW YOU DO.
GO ON, HIT ME IN THE FACE.
- HOLD ON, MY HAIR.
[gasps] all: OH!
OH. - OH, BRAN.
- IT'S OKAY.
- OH. NO, I HUR... I... HE...
I HIT HIS HEAD.
- I HEARD THE SOUND.
- I DIDN'T WANT TO BE, LIKE,
ONE OF THE WHINEY BRATS,
BUT MY HAND IS KILLING ME.
I'M DONE. I FEEL BAD.
I JUST FELT
YOUR BONE IN YOUR HEAD,
AND I FELT BAD. - YEAH.
- OH, MY GOD, I'M GONNA DIE.
- WOW.
- TO SUM IT UP, YOU JUST
HAVE TO DARE TO ENGAGE,
AND YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY
PRACTICE THAT TO DARE THAT.
IT'S A VERY UNNATURAL THING
TO DO.
- STOPPING RIGHT THERE, I WANT
YOU TO BE A LITTLE BIT AWARE,
AND I HOPE... THAT'S THE MESSAGE
THAT I HOPE I CAN BRING ACROSS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING HERE.
[cheers and applause]
FROM TAMARA, FORTUNE GYM,
ALL OF US.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- JOYCE, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WHAT A GREAT DAY.
- I'M GLAD YOU GUYS HAD FUN.
- OH, MY GOD.
- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
WE'RE TOGETHER
AND FIGHTING IS INVOLVED,
BUT WE'RE ALL LEAVING HAPPY,
SO I THINK IT WAS A GOOD DAY.
- GIRLS, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
I HOPE YOU HAD FUN.
- FUN, FUN.
- THANK YOU, JOYCE.
LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
- OKAY.
- I MEAN, I HAVE TO GO ALL
STINKY AND SWEATY, BUT OH, WELL.
- MY HAND'S SWELLING NOW.
WE'RE ALL HURT.
THIS YEAR HAS BEEN
A REALLY ROCKY ROAD FOR ME.
EVERY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENS,
SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.
MY DAD AND I ARE GOOD,
I BREAK MY HAND.
IT'S PAR FOR THE COURSE.
- YOU THINK YOU REALLY HURT
YOUR HAND? SERIOUSLY?
- WELL, I MEAN,
IT DIDN'T HURT AT THE TIME,
BUT NOW IT'S HURTING, YES.
IT HAPPENED...
[imitates punching] LIKE THAT.
I JUST THREW IT.
OW, THAT HURT MY HAND. [laughs]
- YOU THINK YOU'VE BROKEN IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- COMING UP...
- WHAT IS THAT?
- FOR ME?
- YEAH.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- [British accent]
WHERE'S MY CARD?
- I'M GONNA KICK
YOUR LITTLE ASS.
- YOLANDA...
- AH!
- I THINK SHE'S A LITTLE FREAKY.
- OKAY, YOU CHOKE, I WHIP.
- YES, DONE.
- [laughs]
- THIS IS A SELF DEFENSE CLASS,
NOT A SEX ED CLASS. - IT'S... OH.
ALL RIGHT.
HIYA! HUH!
- I BET YOU LIKE THIS, YOLANDA.
[laughs]
- SHH. YOU BETTER BE NICE,
BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO REALLY DO IT.
- I DON'T THINK I'LL PRACTICE
MY CHOKING WITH YOLANDA.
I THINK I'LL PASS.
IT'S NOT FOR ME.
- WHOO!
- CHOKE HIM OUT!
- TOO TIGHT ON HIS NECK,
YOLANDA.
- HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THIS.
HE SAID...
- NO, STOP! NO!
THAT'S TOO TIGHT, YOLANDA.
- STRONGER, STRONG...
MORE, MORE, MORE.
TAP, TAP, MORE, MORE.
- TAP, TAP.
- [screams]
- I THINK I ALMOST
STRANGLED HIM.
WAS IT GOOD?
- THAT WAS ACTUALLY PERFECT.
- I DON'T THINK YOLANDA
UNDERSTANDS
THE MEANING OF "SAFE WORD."
UH, UH.
- TAP, TAP, MORE, MORE.
- I'M FINE.
- [laughs] COME ON.
LET'S GO, YEAH.
- SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'VE
REALLY HURT YOUR HAND,
WE SHOULD GO AND CHECK IT OUT.
- I... BABE, I'M FINE.
- HUH? WHAT?
REALLY? WHY HAVE YOU GOT
AN ICE PACK AROUND IT THEN?
- BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE SWELLING GOES DOWN.
- IT IS SWOLLEN.
- I'M FINE.
- IT'S NOT FINE.
- YOU GUYS, I'M A BIG GIRL.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- I PROMISE.
LISA MOTHERS ME SO MUCH,
AND I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME.
I ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER,
AND SHE DOESN'T NAG ME, EVER.
- I HAVE THIS FOR YOU.
IT'S A LITTLE... LITTLE...
JUST A LITTLE... - FOR ME?
- YEAH.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- [British accent]
WHERE'S MY CARD?
- "I'M NOT REALLY A BITCH,
I JUST PLAY ONE IN YOUR LIFE."
[laughter]
- I SEE YOU'RE TRYING
TO COZY UP TO BRANDI NOW.
- [laughs]
I KNOW SHE'S HAD A ROUGH MONTH,
BETWEEN LOSING HER DOG
AND SOME OTHER PERSONAL ISSUES,
AND I WANTED TO LET HER KNOW
I AM REALLY A FRIEND,
AND THAT IF SHE NEEDS ME,
I'M HERE.
- THANK YOU, THAT'S VERY SWEET.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S
THE FIRST LIE FOR A START.
- [laughs]
OH, SORRY, LISA, COULD YOU MOVE?
- AY-YI-YI.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
- HEY.
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WHAT ABOUT A BEER?
WE'RE NOT GOING TO EAT, ARE WE?
I'VE GOT TO GO SOON.
- I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING.
- OH, IF YOU...
CAN'T YOU JUST... - RELAX?
- NOT SAY THAT AND JUST
HAVE SOME FOOD AND DRINK
WITHOUT SAYING THAT?
"I HAVE TO WORK. I'M BUSY.
I HAVE TO WORK. I'M BUSY."
- NO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY...
- SO AM I. WE ALL ARE.
WE GET IT, YOU'RE BUSY.
WE'RE ALL SITTING AROUND
ON OUR ASS EATING BONBONS.
- ANYWAY, CHEERS.
- WELL, SHE DOESN'T
HAVE HERS YET,
SO WE'LL WAIT, WE'LL WAIT.
- WE'RE NOT. WE'RE DESPERATE.
- OH, MY GOD.
WELL, I WANTED TO WAIT FOR YOU.
- NO, IT'S FINE.
- IT'S ALL ABOUT LISA.
- RAWR!
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY COMPETITIVE
WITH EACH OTHER.
I FEEL LIKE THERE...
LIKE YOU GUYS THINK
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE QUEEN.
- I-I...
- NO, THAT'S SILLY.
- THANK YOU.
- WE'RE GOOD, AND THAT'S IT.
AREN'T WE? OH, STOP IT.
- NO, I...
- LOOK HOW TENTATIVE YOU ARE.
- NO, I'M NOT. WE ARE GOOD.
- I LIKE YOU GUYS TOGETHER.
- WE'RE GOOD.
- AND IF WE'RE NOT,
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- IF WE'RE NOT,
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- OH, HELLO.
IT'S NOT JUST ON YOUR TERMS.
IF WE'RE NOT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- OKAY... OOH! LAST WORD.
- DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD
HAVE SOMEONE LOOK AT HER HAND?
'CAUSE I'M FEELING GUILTY.
- SHE WON'T... ANYTHING I TELL HER
TO DO, SHE WON'T LISTEN.
- 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO.
- I DON'T CARE.
IF IT'S BROKEN,
YOU NEED TO GET IT SEEN TO.
- I'M GONNA GO HOME,
I'M GONNA WRAP IT,
AND I'M GONNA
CHILL WITH THE KIDS.
- WHAT'S WRAPPING IT...
I'M TELLING YOU,
IF YOUR HAND'S BROKEN,
YOU NEED TO HAVE IT FIXED.
- IT'S FRACTURED. WE'RE GOOD.
- YEAH, NO, IT'S NOT GOOD.
I CANNOT LET THAT GO
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT MAKING
THE RIGHT DECISION ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T THINK
IT IS MOTHERING HER.
MAYBE THAT'S ME. I DON'T KNOW.
I CARE ABOUT EVERYBODY THAT'S
IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE, SORRY.
- SHE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
SHE'S A BIG GIRL.
- I'M FINE.
- BUT YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT.
- I'M FINE.
- YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU'RE FINE,
AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE NOT.
- YOU KNOW,
SHE'S ALWAYS MOMMYING ME.
IT'S, LIKE,
A LITTLE OVERBEARING.
LISA LIKES TO POINT OUT
MY WEAKNESSES A LOT
TO REMIND ME
THAT SHE'S STRONGER THAN ME.
I'M FINE RIGHT NOW.
- "I'M FINE"
DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.
- I'M FINE.
- LISA.
NEXT TIME ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES
OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- WHEN YOU HAVE A PARTY,
DO IT RIGHT.
- UNO! DOS! TRES!
WHOO!
- CAN I JUST PEEK AT THAT?
- YEAH, IT'S NOT DONE...
- IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?
- REALLY?
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?
- WHAT ARE WEREPUPPIES?
- YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM?
- OKAY.
[squeals]
- SPELLS ONLY GET TO YOU
IF YOU BELIEVE IN IT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] YOU.
WHEN YOU GO HOME TONIGHT,
WATCH OUT.
- TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I WILL BE KIND TO YOU
AND NOT CALL YOU
ANY OTHER NAME THAN JOYCE.
- I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOU
CALLING YOU THE THINGS
THAT I CALLED YOU
BECAUSE I AM WOMAN ENOUGH
TO ACCEPT MY MISTAKES.
- DON'T TOUCH ME! EW!
LIKE, DON'T COME NEAR ME.
- OKAY. [chuckles]
- I AM NOT A PRUDE AT ALL. YEAH.
YAY!
- CHICA. CHICA!
- EVERY SINGLE DOOR
HAS TO BE HIT.
I KNOW I NEED TO STAY POSITIVE.
I JUST CAN'T. I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I'M GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS
AND PUTTING UP SIGNS
FOR A DOG THAT I THINK
GOT KILLED BY COYOTES.
- HEY, B.
- YOU KNOW, I'M COMING
TO SACRAMENTO ON DAD'S BIRTHDAY.
AM I GONNA BE INVITED?
[chuckles]
THINGS WITH MY DAD
ARE NOT AMAZING RIGHT NOW.
HE WAS VERY OFFENDED
BY MY OSCAR DRESS.
I MEAN, LIKE,
GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO THAT?
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER
YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.
- YOU COULD NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY, LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- HELLO.
- HI, HONEY.
- HI.
YAY. - HOW ARE YOU?
MWAH.
- REALLY, WHAT WAS THAT?
HALF-MOUTH?
Both: MWAH.
[laughter] - YOU GET ALL MINE.
MWAH. - ALWAYS.
HI, BABY GIRL.
WE HAVE OUR POOL PARTY
EVERY YEAR.
THEY ARE JUST UNINHIBITED,
AND WE DON'T SKIMP ON ANYTHING.
WE WANT PEOPLE
TO HAVE A GREAT TIME.
- GIRLS AUDITIONING GIRLS. RAWR.
- RAWR!
- IT'S THE PUSSY POWER.
- WE REALLY DO THINK
ABOUT ENTERTAINING EVERYBODY,
SO WE ALWAYS GET IT CATERED
AND WE HAVE GIRLS.
- HI.
- HI.
- HELLO. COME ON IN.
TARA, NICE TO MEET YOU. HI.
- HI.
GIRLS ON POLES,
GIRLS ON OUR INTERIOR BALCONIES.
WE LIKE TO CELEBRATE BEAUTY,
ESPECIALLY IN WOMEN.
WE PROBABLY HAVE TEN GIRLS
POSSIBLY JUST COMING TODAY
JUST TO AUDITION,
AND WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR
IS TO HIRE FOUR GIRLS.
YOU CAN SHOW THEM
WHERE TO CHANGE.
THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
[giggles]
THEY'RE REALLY PRETTY.
- ARE THEY?
- YEAH, I HOPE THEY'RE
AS TALENTED AS PRETTINESS.
- THEY'RE NOT GONNA DO IT
NAKEY, ARE THEY?
- NO.
- I DON'T WANNA SEE THEM
GET NAKEY.
- OKAY, BABE.
- NOT YET.
- JUST US.
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
- [laughs]
- YOU CAN GET NAKEY.
- YOU GET NAKED.
- YOU GET NAKEY.
- YOU GET NAKED FIRST.
- YOU.
- I THINK BOTH OF YOU
SHOULD GET NAKED.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- THERE'S NOTHING NEGATIVE
ABOUT WHAT WE DO
WHEN WE HAVE PARTIES.
IT REALLY IS IN CELEBRATION
OF WOMEN.
[cheers and applause]
- IS THIS TOO MUCH?
- NO, IT'S NOT TOO MUCH.
- NEVER TOO MUCH.
- I THINK THE FEMALE BODY
HONESTLY IS A...
IS A WORK OF ART.
IT'S LYRICAL. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
IT'S BEAUTY.
YAY! I'M HAPPY! [laughter]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[chuckling]
THEY'RE DOIN'
A PRETTY DECENT JOB.
I MEAN, NOT TO THE LEVEL
THAT I REALLY EXPECTED
AND WANTED TO SEE.
I WANT SOMEBODY THAT KNOWS
HOW TO WORK THE POLE
IN A POSITIVE WAY.
- UH, YEAH.
WELL, DID YOU LIKE THEM SO FAR?
- I DID, BUT I DO
WANT SOME POLE WORK.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE IDEA.
- TO CLIMB UP ON THE POLE.
- YEAH.
- AND ARE WE PICKING PEOPLE
THAT YOU LIKE
OR THAT DAVID LIKES?
- AH!
THEY LIKE THE SAME. [laughter]
- YES.
- AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
[laughter]
- 'CAUSE I'VE KNOWN THEM
SO LONG.
- HM. HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THEM?
[laughter]
both: HEY. - AND WE HAVE DIANA.
[cheers and applause]
- DON'T HOLD BACK. AT ALL.
- YEAH.
- AY, YI, YI.
- THIS IS WHAT WE WANT, BABY.
YEAH. [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[giggling]
[laughter and applause]
- OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S NOTHING
TO THINK ABOUT HERE,
SO WE WOULD LOVE IF YOU'RE
AVAILABLE THE 13TH.
THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.
- I WOULD LOVE THAT.
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
- OH, MY GOSH.
- OH, MY GOD.
- YEAH, BABY.
- WHOO. [laughter]
[dog barks]
- SUGAR.
COME TO YOUR MOMMY.
COME HERE.
OH, BOOBA-LOOGA.
I KNOW. I DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER.
HE JUST RUINED MY BED.
THE BEST WAY TO RELIEVE
MY KIDS' WORRY ABOUT CHICA
IS TO GET A NEW DOG RIGHT AWAY.
[dog whimpers]
HI, STUPID. HI.
SO WE GO TO THE SHELTER,
AND THE BOYS PICK OUT BUDDY.
WHY WOULD YOU PEE IN THE BED?
[doorbell rings]
OH, COME ON. SOMEBODY'S HERE.
BUDDY IS NOT CHICA.
- OH.
- HE JUST PEED ON MY COMFORTER.
JUST NOW.
- OH, HE'S SO CUTE, THOUGH.
- YOU CAN HAVE HIM.
BUDDY LIFTS HIS LEG
WHEN HE PEES,
WHICH IS DISGUSTING,
AND HE'S OBSESSED WITH ME.
I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT.
HE GOES EVERYWHERE WITH ME.
I HATE IT.
- DID YOU SAVE HIM
FROM BEING PUT DOWN?
- YES, OF COURSE.
- OH!
YOU LOVE HIM. I CAN TELL YOU DO.
- I...
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS DOG,
I THINK ABOUT THE OTHER DOGS,
EVEN THOUGH
THE KIDS ARE HAPPIER. - YEAH.
I DO...
- IT'S GONNA TAKE A WHILE, BRAN.
- I KNOW. IT'S ONLY BEEN...
I'VE ONLY HAD HIM FOR A DAY,
BUT I'M GOING TO SACRAMENTO.
I HAVE A BOOK SIGNING THERE.
IT'S A HUGE DEAL FOR ME
TO BE ASKED
TO HOST SOMETHING IN SACRAMENTO
WITH MY FAMILY THERE TO SEE,
LIKE, I'VE "MADE IT."
HAPPENS TO FALL
ON MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY.
HE'S UPSET THAT, IN THE BOOK,
I SAID HE WAS A DRUG DEALER...
BECAUSE HE WASN'T ACTUALLY
A DRUG DEALER.
HE WAS A MARIJUANA GROWER AND
"DISTRIBUTOR" TO OUR NEIGHBOR...
- WELL, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
- I DON'T SEE
HOW IT'S THAT DIFFERENT, BUT...
- WELL, IT IS DIFFERENT, YOU...
- BUT HE DID IT.
HE LIKED THE BOOK
FOR THE WHOLE TIME, AND THEN
ALL OF A SUDDEN, ONE DAY...
- AND THEN HIS FRIENDS
DIDN'T LIKE IT. - YEAH.
MY DAD, WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER,
WAS VERY HIPPIE.
I MEAN, I'M SCARRED
BY THE AMOUNT OF TIMES
I SAW THE MAN NAKED. [laughs]
AS HE'S GOTTEN OLDER,
HE'S KIND OF GONE
TO A MORE CONSERVATIVE SPACE,
SO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE
THIS NEW GUY GLANVILLE.
- HE MUST BE PROUD OF YOU,
EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING.
- WELL, I DON'T THINK SO.
- ARE YOU TAKING YOLANDA
WITH YOU?
- YEAH. YOLANDA'S GONNA COME.
- I WANTED TO GO.
- I KNOW, I WISH YOU COULD COME.
I JUST FEEL LIKE YOLANDA
IS SO RELATABLE.
YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW SHE HAD
THAT CRAZY KIND OF MONEY.
WHEREAS IF IT WAS LISA COMING,
MY DAD MIGHT'VE BEEN INTIMIDATED
BY THE DIAMONDS
AND THE "DARLING."
YO'S A LITTLE MORE NORMAL.
- THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD PACKING,
BY THE WAY.
I'M NOT NAGGING YOU
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
- UH...
- I KNOW I...
- I MEAN, THAT'S ANOTHER THING.
- GIVE IT TO ME NOW.
GIVE IT TO ME NOW.
YOU ARE NOT DOING THAT.
- LISTEN, I'M A GROWN WOMAN.
I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT ME,
BUT IT'S NOT AN ISSUE.
- NO, I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT
I'M STILL GONNA LOOK AFTER YOU
AND LOOK OUT FOR YOU.
I THINK YOU'RE BEING
OVERSENSITIVE TO THIS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE I'M NOT IN A GOOD PLACE
RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF MY DOG.
MAYBE I MISS MY [bleep] DOG.
- THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
- AND I HAVE THIS LITTLE [bleep]
PEEING EVERYWHERE,
AND I DON'T LOVE HIM YET,
AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HIM,
I THINK OF MY DOGS
AND MY POOR KIDS,
AND THEN THIS...
ALL THIS OTHER [bleep]
GOING ON WITH MY DAD.
- THE BRANDI I NORMALLY SEE
IS KIND OF
UPBEAT AND BUBBLY,
AND SHE'S QUITE TOUGH,
BUT THIS TO ME LOOKS LIKE
A WHOLE DIFFERENT SITUATION.
SHE LOOKS LIKE
A LITTLE BROKEN BIRD.
I WANT, AS A FRIEND,
TO HELP HER GET THROUGH.
- [crying]
I JUST WANNA LIVE A NORMAL LIFE,
AND I WANT MY DOG BACK.
[cries]
- IF I FEEL I'M FALLING,
I'VE GOT KEN THERE TO CATCH ME.
HER HUSBAND BUGGERED OFF
WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
THAT IS DEVASTATING.
WE CAN NEVER FORGET
THAT SHE'S ON HER OWN.
IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT SCENARIO.
- MY FAMILY'S, LIKE, FALLING
[bleep] APART, AND I JUST...
- STOP IT, I DON'T LIKE
SEEING YOU LIKE THIS.
SNAP OUT OF IT.
HUH?
- I'M TRYING.
- WOW, THAT'S A BIG CAR
FOR TWO LITTLE SKINNY GIRLS
FROM BEVERLY HILLS.
IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HOLLAND.
IN HOLLAND,
WE DIDN'T HAVE LIMOS.
- YOU JUST HAD MULES?
- WE JUST HAD HORSES.
- I GOT INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE
IN THIS CITY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
THIS IS WHERE I WORKED
AT AN OLD PEOPLE'S HOME
CALLED SPRIGHTLY SENIORS.
ME AND ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS
WERE WAITRESSES,
AND THEN WE WOULD
STEAL THE ALCOHOL
AFTER THEY WENT TO SLEEP.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
- YEAH.
- YOU WERE NAUGHTY.
- YEAH.
THAT'S WHERE I USED
TO RIDE MY BIKE
TO GO TO THE CANDY STORE.
- THAT LOOKS SHADY TO ME.
- [laughs]
AT THE TIME, THERE WAS
A LOT OF GANG VIOLENCE.
LIKE, THE GANG PREVALENCE
WAS REALLY...
LIKE AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL,
WE HAD SHOOTINGS.
- IN HOLLAND, WE DIDN'T
HAVE ANY GANGS, YOU KNOW?
- THERE WAS A LOT
OF FINANCIAL ISSUES
IN MY HOUSEHOLD GROWING UP.
WE WOULD STAND NEXT TO THE DOOR
AND LISTEN TO THEM
FIGHT ABOUT MONEY.
FOR ME, IT WAS, LIKE, MY PEERS.
LIKE, THEY ALL LIVED ON ONE SIDE
OF THE RAILROAD TRACKS
AND I LIVED ON THE OTHER,
SO THEY WERE LIKE,
"OH, WE DON'T WANT
TO DRIVE OVER THERE.
WE'RE SCARED
TO DRIVE OVER THERE."
- I'M EXCITED FOR TONIGHT.
- ME TOO.
- I GOT A CARD FOR YOUR DADDY.
- AW. YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- YEAH. SO I HOPE HE COMES.
- I HOPE HE COMES TOO.
MY HOPE IS TO GET THINGS
BACK ON TRACK WITH MY DAD.
I MEAN, I LOVE THAT MAN
LIKE CRAZY.
I NEED THINGS TO BE NORMAL.
NORMALLY, WE TALK
ALMOST EVERY DAY.
I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM
IN MONTHS.
HE DOESN'T EVEN ANSWER MY TEXTS.
- YOU GOTTA TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
I KNOW YOU HAVE
A LOT OF UNRESOLVED ISSUES,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU GOTTA JUST TRY TO LET IT GO.
- COMING UP...
- BAM! AND I JUST LOOKED.
- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL...
- BUT EVEN THE GUN WAS... OH.
- DON'T... POINT THE GUN THAT WAY.
- [laughs and snorts]
- ALWAYS...
- HEY, DAD, IT'S BRANDI.
- YOU WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR MOM?
- HI, HOW ARE YOU? THANK YOU.
HI. - ARE YOU CHECKING IN?
- YES.
- WHAT'S THE LAST NAME?
- FOSTER.
- SO YOU GUYS HAVE
A BUSY EVENING PLANNED TONIGHT?
- WE DO, I THINK
THERE'S A BOOK SIGNING
HERE IN THE HOTEL. - YES.
- THAT'S ME.
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
HAVE DINNER WITH MY FAMILY.
- THE QUEEN OF SACRAMENTO.
- HERE WE ARE, LADIES.
- OH, WOW... OH, WOW!
- WOW!
THIS IS ONE SEXY ROOM. - OH!
DAVID IS GONNA BE JEALOUS.
- EXACTLY.
LET'S SEE. - DON'T... OH, MY GOSH.
GET READY.
[plays piano haphazardly]
- OH, MY G... [laughter]
- IS THIS, LIKE,
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE?
- IT IS.
- IS IT?
- REALLY?
- YEAH, THIS IS...
- WHO STAYED HERE
THAT WE WOULD KNOW?
- BARACK OBAMA?
- NO.
- WHO STAYED HERE...
- I CAN TELL YOU SOMEBODY.
Both: WHO?
- MR. SCHWARZENEGGER.
- EW! GET OUT OF THE BED!
- AH! [laughs]
- OH, NO!
- GET THE BLACK LIGHT!
GET THE BLACK LIGHT! OH!
- OH! BLACK LIGHT!
- I KNEW...
- WHERE ARNOLD GOES,
A BLACK LIGHT NEEDS TO FOLLOW.
CHEERS TO MY DAD.
IT'S SO PRETTY.
- THAT IS REALLY PRETTY.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY DAD'S
GONNA SAY?
- WHAT?
- "OF COURSE YOU HAVE THIS ROOM.
YOU'RE SO FANCY AND HOLLYWOOD."
- OH.
- I MEAN, I THINK.
- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, BABE?
YOU GOTTA REMEMBER ONE THING.
WHEN HE SAYS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
IT'S ONLY COMING
FROM HIS INSECURITY.
SO YOU GOTTA FEEL EMPATHY
FOR THAT
AND NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL.
- I KNOW, I DO, I FEEL BAD,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO FEEL BAD
FOR MY SUCCESS.
- OUR PARENTS CAN REACH
THE DEEPEST PART OF US.
MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY,
DON'T FORGET
WHERE YOU CAME FROM."
LIKE, SHE WANTS TO KEEP ME DOWN.
YOU KNOW, I WANT YOUR MOM
AND DAD TO ENJOY THIS TONIGHT.
- YEAH, I HOPE THEY COME.
- 'CAUSE THIS IS SPECIAL.
THEY SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOU.
HUH? - MY MOM'S PROUD OF ME.
THEY'RE PROUD OF ME. - YES.
YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU TOO.
TRUST ME.
YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU.
I KNOW FOR SURE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN BRANDI
THIS VULNERABLE AND NERVOUS
EVER BEFORE.
IT'S MAKING ME NERVOUS.
- I'M GONNA CALL MY MOM
AND SEE IF MY DAD'S COMING.
[phone ringing]
- NOBODY'S ANSWERING YOUR...
- [on phone] HELLO?
- HEY, DAD, IT'S BRANDI.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MOM?
JUDY, IT'S BRANDI.
- HI.
- [on phone] YOUR DAD'S
GETTING IN THE SHOWER.
HE SAID, "IF SHE BRINGS UP
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
IT'S GONNA BE ALL OVER.
IT'S NOT GONNA BE NICE."
- ALL RIGHT. LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO, BABE.
GOOD LUCK.
- [chuckles] I'M GONNA NEED IT.
- WE ALL ARE. OKAY, BYE.
- BYE.
[beep]
[sighs]
- IS MY WARDROBE BADASS ENOUGH
FOR SHOOTING?
- FOR SURE.
- [laughs]
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WARDROBE.
- HEY. [gunshot]
- I'M TOM.
- TOM, GREAT TO MEET YOU.
I'M MICHAEL. - HI, TOM.
SO NICE TO MEET YOU. [gunfire]
- I HEAR YOU'RE GONNA LEARN
HOW TO SHOOT TODAY.
- I'M EXCITED.
- YES, YES, THANK YOU
FOR DOING THIS.
- LOOK, I HAVE A GUN.
- LET'S GO DO IT.
- THERE WE GO.
- LET'S DO IT.
WE DO HAVE A GUN IN THE HOUSE,
AND IF SOMEBODY'S
GONNA COME INTO MY HOUSE
TO HARM MY BABIES OR MY HUSBAND
OR MY FAMILY,
THEN I'M GONNA BE READY
TO USE THAT GUN.
POOM! POOM! POOM! LIKE THAT?
- NOT QUITE LIKE THAT.
WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN LEARNING HOW TO SHOOT?
- I WANT HER TO LEARN TO PROTECT
HERSELF BETTER WITH THE GUN.
WE HAD A LITTLE...
WE HAD AN INCIDENT, ACTUALLY.
- AND IT WAS, LIKE,
9:00 ON A SUNDAY NIGHT,
AND WE HAD TWO GUYS
WALKING UP OUR DRIVEWAY
COMING STRAIGHT TO US
WITH TWO SHOTGUNS,
SKI MASK, ALL IN BLACK.
- THEY NEVER GOT IN...
- THEY DIDN'T GET IN
BECAUSE THIS ONE,
FOR SOME REASON, HE'S LIKE,
"LOOK, BABY, THERE'S ROBBERS!
CALL 911! SUSHI, ATTACK!"
AND MY DOG, OUR BOXER,
SHE'S TRAINED TO ATTACK.
SHE... WHEN HE GOES,
"SUSHI, ATTACK,"
SHE LITERALLY STARTED ATTACKING
AND BROKE THE GLASS
WITH HER HEAD.
- MM-HMM.
- AND... BUT...
- I THINK THE BOXER SAVED US,
BY THE WAY.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE,
I BOUGHT MACHETES,
I BOUGHT PEPPER SPRAY, I HAVE
BATS BEHIND EVERY CURTAIN.
I'M GONNA BE READY.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WAIT, WAIT...
WOW, BABY! - OH, I GOT A...
- BABY, YOU'RE SO HOT.
- I GOT AN EAR
OF THE PERPETRATOR.
- YOU SAY YOU'VE NEVER HANDLED
A FIREARM OR A HANDGUN BEFORE?
- I DID IT FOR A MOVIE.
- THAT... WE DON'T COUNT
FAKE STUFF.
- I DID...
PAM! AND I JUST LOOKED...
- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL...
- BUT EVEN THE GUN WAS FAKE.
- DON'T...
POINT THE GUN THAT WAY.
- OH. [laughs]
- ALWAYS... THIS IS
THE BUSINESS END OF THE GUN.
- [snorts]
- YOU KEEP IT THAT WAY
AT ALL TIMES, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
- [laughs]
- YEAH.
YOU DON'T DO THAT TO A GUN.
- [laughs]
- OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU
POINTING THAT?
KEEP IT DOWNRANGE.
PULL THE HAMMER BACK.
OKAY, PUT YOUR FINGER
ON THE TRIGGER.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR HAIR.
AND THEN VERY GENTLY
SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER.
OKAY. - WHERE DID I SHOOT?
- YOU HIT THE CARDBOARD.
- I DON'T LIKE IT.
- YOU'RE CLOSE, YOU'RE CLOSE.
- I SUCK.
- OKAY, IT TAKES TIME.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.
- OKAY.
- BUT YOU DIDN'T HIT
YOUR TARGET.
- I'M SAD.
- STEADY, EVEN PRESSURE
ON THAT TRIGGER.
- NICE. BEAUTIFUL, BABY.
NOW WE'RE TALKING!
NICE. - WHOO!
I LOVE IT. I LIKE DOING IT.
- YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD.
YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD.
- I LIKE IT.
IT MAKES ME FEEL
REALLY BADASS-Y.
POOM! POOM! POOM! POOM! POOM!
- THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.
IS THAT GONNA GO
ON THE FRIDGE OR ON EBAY?
- THAT'S... THAT'S GONNA GO
MAYBE IN MY CLOSET.
I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT DOING
THIS SELF DEFENSE FOREVER.
I'M REALLY GONNA SET IT UP.
EVER SINCE GETTING ROBBED,
I'VE BEEN WANTING
TO DO A SELF DEFENSE CLASS.
I WANT TO BE PREPARED
FOR ANY KIND OF BAD GUY...
OR GIRL, 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.
SOME CAN BE REALLY MEAN.
- ALL OF THE GIRLS?
- YEAH, ALL OF THEM.
I MEAN, THE ONLY ONE THAT
I REALLY HAD AN ISSUE BEFORE
WAS WITH BRANDI,
BUT SHE APOLOGIZED,
SO WE'RE DONE, SO... - ALL RIGHT.
- I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BADASS.
[gunshot]
- NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING?
- MM. WOW.
- OVER HERE, COME HERE.
- WOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF PEOPLE HERE.
SO THIS IS THE WAY BRANDI LIVES.
- [humming]
I'M [bleep] SCARED.
ANY TIME I GET TOGETHER
WITH MY MOM AND DAD
OR MY BROTHER AND SISTER,
WE TURN INTO KIDS AGAIN.
WE START, LIKE, BICKERING
AND ACTING LIKE BRATS,
AND WE'RE JUST EXPECTING
TO GET BACKHANDED BY A PARENT.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- OH! HI, GIRLS!
- OH, THERE YOU ARE.
- COME HERE!
- OH, MY GOSH, LOOK AT THEM!
- HI! OH, MY GOD!
- HI.
- HI, YOLANDA, HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO MEET YOU.
- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- YOLANDA'S WITH ME
TO FLIRT WITH MY DAD
TO MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE
WITH ME AGAIN.
- HAPPY... AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- SHE WAS SO EXCITED
ABOUT SEEING THE GIRLS.
- BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
- THANK YOU FOR COMING.
- BRANDI, THAT'S
A BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY. THANK YOU.
- HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE YOU DOING? - I'M OKAY.
- OKAY.
- I WAS NOT 100% SURE
THAT MY DAD WAS GONNA MAKE IT.
HI!
I'M WORRIED
AND I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS.
I'M SO GLAD
THAT MY DAD HAS COME TODAY,
BUT I'M ALSO THINKING,
"WHAT AM I GONNA DO
TO [bleep] THIS UP?"
- GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY
FABULOUS GUESTS
TO KICK OFF THIS PRIDE WEEKEND.
WE ARE SO VERY EXCITED
TO HAVE SACRAMENTO NATIVE
BRANDI GLANVILLE
HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
THANK YOU, LOVE.
I WANTED TO SAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD,
WHO'S HERE WITH MY MOM. all: AW!
- I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE,
AND EVERYBODY SAY...
HAS TO SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
GUY GLANVILLE."
I'M GONNA... ON THREE, READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE.
All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
GUY GLANVILLE.
- I'M EVEN SAYING IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
[laughter]
- BEFORE WE GET STARTED,
I JUST WANT TO TAKE
ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU GUYS
MIGHT HAVE FOR ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE GONNA ASK ME, BUT...
- I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
ABOUT YOUR EARLY GAYS.
- OH. OH. [laughter]
MY MOM... THEY'RE... THEY HAD...
MY MOM'S NOT GAY.
[laughter]
I... MAYBE SHE IS. I DON'T KNOW.
NO, MY PARENTS' BEST FRIENDS
HAD A SON
THAT CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET,
AND THEY KICKED HIM
OUT OF THE HOUSE,
AND MY PARENTS GAVE UP
THAT FRIENDSHIP
TO MOVE JOSEPH INTO OUR HOUSE
AND LET HIM SLEEP ON OUR COUCH
AND LET HIM LIVE WITH US
BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
THAT WAS RIDICULOUS.
[cheers and applause]
- WE LOVE YOU, MOM!
- YEAH! [cheers and applause]
- LOVE IS LOVE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
- WELL, WE'RE DEFINITELY
TEAM BRANDI.
- THANK YOU.
[all cheering]
ALL RIGHT, SO AT THIS POINT,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK THE GIRLS
TO STEP OUTSIDE. [laughter]
SO WHEN I WENT BACK
TO READ THIS BOOK TODAY
TO REMIND MYSELF
OF WHAT I WROTE, I WAS LIKE,
"OH, WOW, I'VE COME
A LONG WAY FROM THIS."
"MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THREE
SIMPLE TRUTHS IN THIS WORLD
THAT EVERYONE SHOULD RECOGNIZE."
SHE'S NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.
"EVERYBODY HAS BEEN DUMPED,
EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS,
AND EVERYBODY HATES ANAL."
[laughter]
"UNLESS YOU'RE GAY,
AND EVEN THEN, IT'S A MAYBE.
THESE ARE TRUTHS, PEOPLE."
"OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS,
I WATCHED MY WORLD EXPLODE
"RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, AND
AFTER FOUR DECADES OF LIVING,
"TWO CHILDREN,
AND ONE COSTLY DIVORCE,
"I'M THRILLED
TO BE MEETING BRANDI,
AND CAN I BE HONEST?
I THINK SHE'S AMAZING."
UGH. OH!
[crowd members cheering]
- SHE'S GOOD.
- SHE'S A GOOD GIRL.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF HER.
[cheers and applause]
- COMING UP...
- I HAD ALL THE POT.
- CUT IT RIGHT THERE.
- LIKE THAT?
- YEAH, SO RIGHT NOW...
[squeezed]
CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE?
I MEAN, I'M NOT FAKING IT NOW.
- HE'S TAPPING! HE'S TAPPING!
[all yelling]
- I'M TAPPING OUT. [all yelling]
- YOU KNOW, AND ONE THING TOO
WHEN YOU'RE COOKING,
RELAX, JUST ENJOY IT, 'CAUSE...
- RIGHT.
- WE'RE PUTTING ENERGY
IN THE FOOD.
PEOPLE FEEL...
WHEN YOU'RE COOKING,
PEOPLE FEEL THE ENERGY, I SWEAR.
MAURICIO,
LOOK WHAT YOUR WIFE MADE.
BEAUTIFUL. - OOH!
ARE THEY MEATBALLS?
- I WAS GUIDED AND HELPED.
- I KNOW.
I'M GIVING YOU THE CREDIT.
- SHABBAT IS ONCE A WEEK
FROM FRIDAY TO SATURDAY.
IT'S A TIME TO SLOW DOWN,
HAVE DINNERS,
SAY A PRAYER, LIGHT THE CANDLES.
JUST BEING HERE IN MY HOME
WITH MY FAMILY,
THAT IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.
THAT IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.
SEE, MY KIDS
ARE IN A JEWISH SCHOOL,
SO THEY CELEBRATE SHABBAT
EVERY FRIDAY.
- ARE YOU JEWISH?
- YES, I CONVERTED.
I GREW UP CATHOLIC.
ONCE MAURICIO AND I
HAD BEEN DATING FOR FOUR MONTHS,
HE CAME TO ME AND TOLD ME
THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME...
I COULD NEVER CUT THEM
AS FAST AS YOU.
AND HE ASKED ME THEN,
"WOULD YOU CONSIDER CONVERTING?"
AND FOR ME, REALLY,
IT WAS A NO-BRAINER,
BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH,
SO I THOUGHT, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
YES, I WILL, ABSOLUTELY."
- SO I NEED MY PREP CHEF
OVER HERE...
- OKAY.
- DARLING.
- YES.
- WITH YOUR APRON ON.
OH, MY GOD, I LOVE IT.
- SO THIS IS MY,
YOU KNOW, NICER ONE.
GROWING UP IN BEVERLY HILLS,
ALL MY FRIENDS WERE JEWISH,
AND I REALLY ADMIRED
THE TRADITIONS THAT I SAW.
MY MOM WASN'T THRILLED AT FIRST
WITH MY CONVERTING,
BUT SHE KNEW
THERE WAS NO STOPPING ME.
HI! HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU ROLLED THEM.
- SHARON, WHAT'S UP?
- MY SISTER IN LAW.
- OH, WOW. MWAH.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- MY BROTHER IN LAW, KENDALL.
- KENDALL.
- HOW YOU DOING?
- WHAT'S UP, BROTHER?
- I'M DOING WELL.
- SO MICHELLE IS CONVERTING
WITH OUR RABBI...
- OH.
- AND SHE TELLS ME,
"DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE, LIKE,
OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX
ON SHABBAT?"
SHABBAT SHALOM.
WHY DO YOU THINK I CONVERTED?
- WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...
[laughter]
- HELLO.
- HI.
- WELCOME TO DAWSON'S.
- MARCH, MARCH, MARCH.
MARCH, MARCH, MARCH.
- GUY, WHY DON'T YOU COME
AND SIT NEXT TO ME?
YEAH, PERFECT.
THIS IS YOUR LITTLE GIFT.
- OH, MY GOD.
LIKE I SAID, I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO GIVE YOU, BUT THIS...
- YOU DIDN'T NEED TO GIVE ME
ANYTHING.
- WELL, I WANTED
TO BRING YOU SOMETHING.
SO THESE ARE MUSIC SHOWS
THAT YOU CAN WATCH.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- JACKIE EVANCHO?
I LOVE JACKIE EVANCHO.
- DO YOU LIKE...
YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS?
OH, MY GOSH. - YOU'RE LUCKY
YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL BODYGUARD
TO PROTECT YOU.
- I KNOW, I...
TRUST ME, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE
WITHOUT HER.
- I'M JUST KIDDING, BRANDI.
- YOUR DAD WAS PROUD.
- BRAN, IF THERE'S A SHOT
THAT REPRESENTS SACRAMENTO,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, UM...
KAMI... [bleep]... KAZE, BITCH.
- I THINK SACRAMENTO IS WELL
REPRESENTED WITH A KAMIKAZE.
- OUR NUMBER ONE DRINK
WHEN WE WERE, LIKE, YOUNGER...
LIKE, 17 BY THE WAY?
- WHEN YOU WERE DOING
THE BAR SCENE AT 17?
- NO, WE WERE GOING TO THE BARS
AT 15, DAD.
- AND WERE YOU GUYS DRINKING?
- YEAH.
- OH, YEAH.
- I HAD ALL THE POT,
'CAUSE I STOLE IT FROM... BUT...
- YEAH, WE... LET'S NOT GO THERE.
- YEAH, EXACTLY,
LET'S CHANGE THAT SUBJECT.
- I HAVE FOOT-IN-MOUTH DISEASE.
CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
I LOVE YOU. - I KNOW YOU DO.
LET'S... LET'S JUST...
CUT IT RIGHT THERE.
- MY FATHER'S, LIKE,
ONE OF THE ONLY MEN IN MY LIFE,
AND WHEN I HAVE PROBLEMS
WITH MY ROCK,
I KIND OF FALL APART.
- [laughs]
SOPHIA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- I'M GOING TO PUT SHOES ON TOO.
- NO, NO, NO,
YOU KEEP LEAVING, ALL OF YOU.
- WHO WANTS TO DO THE PRAYER
OF THE HAMOTZI, THE CHALLAH?
- WHEN I WAS GROWING UP
AND I WOULD SEE
MY JEWISH FRIENDS
CELEBRATING SHABBAT,
I ALWAYS LOVED SEEING HOW ALL
THE FAMILY WOULD COME TOGETHER,
LIGHT THE CANDLES
AND SAY PRAYERS.
IT GAVE ME A SENSE OF SECURITY.
- WELL, NOAH AND SOPHIA
ARE HAVING THEIR BAR MITZVAHS
THIS YEAR.
SO MUCH FUN. - YAY!
YAY.
AS SOMEONE WHO CONVERTED
TO JUDAISM,
I TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
HAVING MY DAUGHTER
HAVE A BAT MITZVAH
IS SOMETHING THAT IS
REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME,
AND OF COURSE,
I LOVE THROWING A PARTY.
- WE THINK WE'RE GONNA DO IT
HERE AT THE HOUSE.
- NO, WE... HONEY, NOT "WE THINK."
- NO, WE ARE DOING IT HERE.
- WE ARE DOING IT AT THE HOUSE.
- WE'RE DOING IT AT THE HOUSE.
- YOU KNOW, WE'RE A LITTLE MORE
ORGANIZED THAN YOU REALIZE.
- ALL RIGHT,
SO BRING US UP TO DATE.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED
TO KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES
WITH THESE OVER-THE-TOP PARTIES.
- OKAY, WE'RE DOING IT
AT THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL...
- WE ALREADY HAVE THE DATE.
- YEAH.
- SOPHIA WANTS IT AT THE HOUSE.
WE ALREADY KNOW THAT.
- LIKE, ALEXIA'S BAT MITZVAH,
I THOUGHT...
I MEAN, WAS THAT AMAZ...
WAS THAT PERFECT?
- YEAH, I LOVED MINE.
- JUST THE OTHER DAY,
SHE KIND OF ASKED ME
IF THE BUDGET WAS OKAY
FOR THE BAT MITZVAH,
AND I ASKED HER
IF I HAD A CHOICE.
- PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN
HAVE GOTTEN SO OUT OF CONTROL
WITH THE BAT MITZVAHS AND
BAR MITZVAHS, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S CRAZY. CRAZY.
- CIRCUSES.
- BIG SINGERS, WHERE THEY PAY
A MILLION DOLLARS
FOR THEIR APPEARANCE.
- MULTIPLE EVENTS.
- MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR PARTIES.
- RENTING OUT MUSEUMS.
- I'M NOT THROWING
A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR PARTY
FOR SOPHIA,
BUT IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.
- I'D LIKE MINE TO BE
VERY BIG AND EXTRAVAGANT.
- YOU LIKE PURPLE.
YOUR ROOM'S PURPLE.
- YOU WANT TO MAKE IT ELEGANT,
OR MORE PARTY?
- BOTH.
EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE PARTY,
BUT NOBODY'S INVITED
TO THE SERVICE.
- SO SHE JUST WANTS
THE PRESENTS.
SHABBAT SHALOM! THANK YOU, GUYS.
- HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WE HAVE A LOT OF ISSUES
WE GOTTA...
- BUT EVERY... EVERY FAMILY DOES.
- I KNOW, YEAH.
- IT'S... YOU KNOW?
MAYBE YOU AND HER
SHOULD HAVE A COFFEE,
AND JUST THE TWO OF YOU...
- YEAH, I MEAN, THIS IS
A BIG STEP ALREADY. - YEAH.
- EVEN IF WE...
THIS IS JUST A BIG STEP, AND...
THIS COULD BE ENOUGH
FOR RIGHT NOW.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW.
- UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.
- RIGHT.
- YEAH, LET IT SIT FOR A WHILE.
- HERE, DAD. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- OH, MY.
THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
- I GAVE MY DAD A BIRTHDAY CARD,
AND I JUST SAID, BASICALLY,
"I HOPE THAT THINGS
WILL GET BETTER."
- IT WILL. IT WILL.
- I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR HER
THAT YOU WERE GONNA BE HERE.
- AND I'VE... WE GOTTA GET THIS
SORTED OUT. THIS IS...
- I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER MET
ANYBODY AS STUBBORN AS YOU.
LIKE, ALL THAT...
- STUBBORN HAS
ITS GOOD POSITIVES TOO.
- SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.
- SHE'S HARDHEADED, SO SHE...
- WELL, SHE GOT THAT FROM YOU.
- [laughs] YEAH.
- [laughs]
NO MATTER HOW MUCH A CHILD
DISAPPOINTS YOU,
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU'RE PROUD OF THEM.
YOU LOVE THEM AND YOU'RE PROUD
OF THEIR SUCCESS.
I'M LIKE THAT TOO.
I GOT IT FROM MY MOM, YOU KNOW?
STUBBORN, BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S...
- BUT YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL.
- AND SO IS SHE, YOU KNOW?
THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN HER
ON TOP OF...
BACK ON TOP OF HER LIFE.
- AND... WELCOME TO OUR ROOM.
- OH, MY GOD, THIS IS AMAZING.
- IS THIS HER PLACE?
- COME ON, GIRLS.
- ISN'T IT NICE OUTSIDE?
LOOK AT THAT.
- WHOA, LOOKIT! THE LIGHTS.
- LOOK AT THAT, BRANDI.
HOW YOU DOING?
- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- [laughs] HI, MY NAME'S GUY.
- CAN I TAKE MY SHOES OFF?
- JUST... JUST...
- MY NAME'S BRANDI.
- JUST KIDDING, SWEETHEART.
- I KNOW.
- MWAH.
- STAY HERE AND LET GRANDPA
TALK TO BRANDI.
I THINK THEY'RE HAVING
A LITTLE MOMENT.
- WHEN MY HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO,
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO TO CALL.
- I'M GLAD I CAME.
I CAME FOR YOUR MOM,
AND I'M GLAD I CAME.
AND WE WILL GO FORWARD, OKAY?
AND THE OUTFIT
LOOKS REALLY PRETTY.
- OH, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, DAD.
- I KNOW YOU DO.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD.
- THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
- I LOVE YOU.
- I KNOW, I LOVE YOU TOO.
- NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF AN ADULT
I HAVE TO ACT LIKE,
I'M STILL SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER.
I STILL NEED MY DAD.
- IT WILL GET BETTER.
IT'LL GET BETTER, OKAY?
- [sighs]
THAT WAS... IT WAS IMPORTANT.
IT WAS GOOD.
- COMING UP...
- NOBODY CAN TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
IN THE RING LIKE THIS.
- [grunts]
- OH!
[laughter] - OH, YEAH!
- WHOA. GOOD JOB THERE.
- HELLO. HI, ARE YOU TAMARA?
- HI. I AM.
- HI, I'M JOYCE. JOYCE.
- YOU'RE JOYCE.
NICE TO MEET YOU. HOW ARE YOU?
- THANK YOU SO M...
I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M WELL.
LARS, THIS IS JOYCE. - HI, LARS.
- HI, JOYCE.
- HI.
- HI, LARS, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
I THINK I'M A NATURAL FIGHTER.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW
THE PROPER TECHNIQUES
TO TAKE ON A 300-POUND MAN.
I WANT YOU GUYS TO TEACH
MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I
TO BE EMPOWERED.
I KNOW I CAN JUST PUNCH
AND SCRATCH AND KICK SOME ASS.
- YEAH.
- BUT YOU ALWAYS FEEL BETTER
IF YOU GO
FOR THE KEY PLACES. - TRUE.
- I NEVER KNEW
THAT HOME INVASIONS
WERE AS COMMON AS THEY ARE.
I WANT TO KNOW
THAT YOU DON'T JUST NEED A GUN.
YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELF TOO
AS A STRONG WOMAN.
- SO WHAT WE'RE THINKING
IS MAYBE DO
A LITTLE BIT ON THE MAT. - YES.
- THAT'S KIND OF... 'CAUSE
IT'S A SOFTER PADDING FOR THEM.
- UH-HUH.
- AND THEN ACTUALLY
MOVE MORE TO THE RING,
AND THAT'S TEACHING
A LITTLE BIT OF STRIKING.
I DON'T WANT TO GET
TOO TECHNICAL,
BUT I WANT THEM TO STILL FEEL...
LIKE YOU SAID, EMPOWERED,
SO THEY ARE ABLE TO STRIKE
IF THEY NEED TO, YOU KNOW?
- HELLO.
- IS THIS ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS?
- HI, YES.
- HI, I'M BRANDI.
- HI, BRANDI.
I'M TAMARA, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- THIS IS LARS.
- HI, NICE TO SEE YOU, HONEY.
- HI, LARS.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- OH, YES, YOU'RE VERY SWEATY.
LET'S NOT HUG. - [laughs]
- JOYCE AND I ARE NOT
THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M GONNA GO TELL HER
MY DEEP, DARK DAD SECRETS,
BUT YOU KNOW, I'M WILLING
TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE
AND PLAY NICE.
- HI, GIRLS.
- WATCHES OFF.
- HI!
- HI!
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- OH! HOW ARE YOU, HUH?
GIRLS BONDING
AND EXERCISING TOGETHER.
- GLAD YOU'RE BACK.
HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? GOOD?
- GOOD, HI.
- HI, LARS. NICE TO MEET YOU.
- YOLANDA. HOW ARE YOU?
I NEED A LITTLE SELF DEFENSE
SOMETIMES.
THE WEEK THAT GIGI WAS BORN,
I WAS NAKED IN MY BEDROOM,
BREASTFEEDING,
AND AN INTRUDER CAME
INTO THE DOUBLE DOOR
OF MY BEDROOM WITH A GUN.
WE LOOKED FOR A MOMENT,
AND HE TURNED AROUND AND RAN,
AND I WENT TO MY MOM'S ROOM,
GAVE THE BABY,
THREW ON A SHIRT
AND STARTED RUNNING AFTER HIM.
I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HAD
GOTTEN MY HANDS ON THAT GUY,
I WOULD HAVE MADE MASHED POTATO
OUT OF HIM, FOR SURE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.
JAB. THAT'S IT.
UPPERCUT. YOUR HAND.
AND THE HOOK. THAT'S IT.
- DON'T COME CLOSE TO MY KIDS,
BECAUSE I WILL KILL YOU.
- BAM!
- HI.
HI.
I AM VERY, VERY STRONG.
WITH MY... POWER,
IN THIS CLASS,
NOBODY'S GONNA MESS WITH ME.
BAM.
- CARLTON!
- [squeals and laughs]
LIKE...
- ARE YOU READY?
- YES.
- I WANT TO GIVE YOU GUYS
A CHANCE TO CHOKE ME.
- HUH?
- TO REALLY SEE HOW EASY IT IS
TO CHOKE SOMEONE OUT,
SO YOU UNDERSTAND.
IF YOU GO DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
BEHIND ME...
- OKAY.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
- A FIVE-YEAR-OLD PERSON
CAN DO THIS TO AN ADULT.
SAY THAT SOMEONE
ATTACKS YOUR HUSBAND,
HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT,
YOU COULD DEFINITELY
JUMP ON THE BACK
AND CHOKE THAT PERPETRATOR OUT
IN FOUR, MAYBE FIVE SECONDS.
AND THE MORE HE STRUGGLES,
THE FASTER HE WILL GO OUT.
NOW, I'VE NEVER
SHOWED THIS TO TAM,
AND YOU'RE GONNA SEE
HOW EASY IT IS.
SHE'S JUST GOTTA SQUEEZE
THOSE TWO ARMS TOGETHER.
[voice squeezed] HEAR MY VOICE?
LOOK AT MY COLOR CHANGING.
AND WHEN I TAP,
STOP IMMEDIATELY WHEN I TAP.
I WOULD GO OUT THERE, ABOUT
ONE SECOND AWAY FROM GOING OUT.
- I DON'T THINK YOU
WANT TO TEACH THESE WOMEN
HOW TO DO THIS.
YOU'RE PUTTING YOURSELF
AND ALL OF US IN DANGER NOW.
- HELLO.
- SHE'S ENJOYING THIS.
SHE'S ENJOYING THIS.
- OH, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
[overlapping chatter]
- LOOK AT YOU, SEX BOMB.
- DON'T PULL BACK.
JUST SQUEEZE TOGETHER
LIKE A SNAKE.
- WERE YOU TRYING
TO GET ATTACKED?
- EXACTLY.
- OH, YOU HAVE
TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
- THAT'S A LOT OF BOOBY
FOR A SELF DEFENSE CLASS.
- COME ON. AND WHEN I TAP,
LET GO, 'CAUSE YOU WILL KILL ME.
- THAT'S THE PERFECT VIEW.
[laughter]
- LIKE THAT?
- YEAH, SO RIGHT NOW...
[squeezed]
CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE?
I MEAN, I'M NOT FAKING IT NOW.
I'M TAPPING OUT.
- WHEN SOMEBODY TAPS,
IT'S LIKE, KEEP GOING, RIGHT?
- HE'S TAPPING! HE'S TAPPING!
[all yelling]
LET GO. [all yelling]
- OH. [laughter]
I MEAN, IF HE DIDN'T WANT IT,
HE SHOULD'VE
PULLED MY HAND AWAY.
- THAT WAS VERY CLOSE
TO MY PERFECT ENDING.
[laughs]
- I THINK HE LIKED IT.
- THANK YOU.
- SORRY.
[both laughing] - IT'S OKAY.
COMING OUT FROM THE SUPERMARKET,
WHEN YOU'RE LEANING OVER
IN THE CAR, YOU OPEN THE DOOR,
YOU'RE LEAST EXPECTING ANYTHING,
'CAUSE YOU'RE BUSY
PUTTING YOUR FOOD IN
OR WHATEVER IT MIGHT BE,
YOU GET A PUSH IN YOUR BACK.
- LISA'S NEVER BEEN
TO THE MARKET.
[laughter]
- WHERE IS IT?
CAN YOU GIVE ME DIRECTIONS?
- I ALWAYS HEARD, YOU KNOW,
KICK HIM IN THE BALLS.
- AND I WOULD NOT
PUNCH ON THE NUTS.
I WOULD GRAB THE NUTS
AS HARD AS I CAN...
- RIP THEM OFF.
- AND JUST CRUSH.
- TWIST 'EM OFF.
- BECAUSE WHEN YOU PUNCH
SOMETHING, I DON'T FEEL...
NOW, I FEEL THE PAIN,
BUT IT'S COMING SLOWLY.
YOU GRAB SOMETHING,
YOU INCREASE THE PAIN...
- CAN WE TRY? [laughter]
- I KNEW THIS IS GONNA
GO THERE, BUT...
ALL RIGHT, SO YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE BIT OF BOXING?
SHOULD WE GO IN THE RING
A LITTLE BIT?
- YOU GUYS READY?
- JAB, UPPERCUT, HOOK,
AND CROSS.
YOU DO IT RIGHT,
THE FOURTH PUNCH
IS GONNA BE THE MOST POWERFUL.
SO... ONE, HUH, HUH, HUH!
THAT'S THE KILLER.
- JAB, JAB.
- SOMEONE WANTS TO STEP IN
AND TRY? - I WANT TO FIGHT LARS.
I'D BE LYING IF I SAID
I'D NEVER BEEN IN A FIGHT.
- BLOCK THE BODY SHOTS.
- I'M NOT GOING FOR HIS NUTS.
- OKAY.
WELL, YOU SHOULD. - [laughs]
THE LAST PHYSICAL FIGHT
I WAS INVOLVED IN,
I WAS IN A GYM,
AND THIS WOMAN BUMPED INTO ME.
- THAT'S IT!
- AND THIS WOMAN
IS LITERALLY RUNNING AT ME
WITH HER ARMS SWINGING
LIKE A BLOODY WINDMILL.
- HERE WE GO.
- AND I BOPPED HER IN THE FACE.
BUT I DO NOT LIKE VIOLENCE.
I REALLY DON'T.
- [grunts] AND NOW,
WE'RE GONNA GO THE SECOND HAND.
WE'RE GONNA GO UPPERCUT.
- I THINK I BROKE A NAIL.
[laughs]
- I THINK IF I RAN
ACROSS CARLTON IN A DARK ALLEY,
I WOULDN'T BE SITTING HERE
RIGHT NOW.
- THAT'S IT.
WORK WITH THE PADS HERE.
AND AGAIN. - OKAY. [laughs]
I DO HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH,
AND I DO PACK
A GOOD [bleep] PUNCH.
[cheers and applause]
- YOU SEE, LIKE... IT'S, LIKE,
SMOKE COMING OUT OF THERE.
ONE MORE, ONE MORE.
- NOBODY CAN TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
IN THE RING LIKE THIS.
[laughs] - OKAY.
- OKAY, AND THE GLOVES ARE OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
- GIVE ME THE BIG DIAMOND.
- YOU GO TO YOUR CORNER.
YOU GUYS BEHAVE.
[bell dings] [laughter]
OKAY, READY?
[laughter]
- SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU
WITH THE BOOBIES.
- WHAT DO THEY WANT ME
TO COME IN, LIKE, A BALL GOWN?
WHOOP-DEE-DO! - RIGHT HERE.
- COME ON.
- OH!
[laughter] - OH, YES! YES!
- HE SEEMED A LITTLE DISTRACTED.
- AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
[all cheering]
- ALL RIGHT,
LET'S PAIR UP A LITTLE BIT.
- OUCH! [bleep]! KIM!
OH, STOP! [laughs]
WAIT, EW! SMELL MY HAND.
- EW.
- SMELL IT.
- SO WHO BEATS WHO?
WHO WOULD WIN IF YOU GUYS
WENT AT IT?
- WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
MY SISTER WOULD, LIKE,
HOLD ME DOWN.
- "OH, MY GOD, THIS IS
WHAT SHE USED TO DO AS A CHILD."
- DANGLE THINGS
AND TICKLE ME AND STUFF.
- GET BACK. GET BACK.
- I WAS THE BITER.
SHE WAS THE SCRATCHER.
- UPPERCUT.
GOTTA PROTECT MYSELF
WITH THIS GIRL.
- [laughs]
- WHAT'S MY NAME?
- ROLLING STONE.
- MINE'S BIGGER THAN YOURS.
[laughs]
- NOT A CHANCE, BABY.
- [laughs]
- KIM VERSUS KYLE?
I FEEL LIKE THEY'D
JUST GO TO THE DEATH.
[chuckles]
I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD WIN.
- KICK HER ASS
BEFORE SHE KICKS YOUR ASS.
- I WILL.
- KIM, DO NOT KICK ME
IN THE PENIS, IT HURTS. - OH.
- THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
[bell dings] - ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
- OH, WAIT, WE'RE...
- OH, SEE, THIS IS WHAT SHE DID
WHEN WE WERE LITTLE.
IT'S SO ANNOYING!
- OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!
- OH!
- YOU'VE GOT HER, KIM.
- GO, KYLE!
- OOH.
- GET OUT OF THE CORNER!
- OH! GET OUT OF...
- HEY! LOOK WHAT SHE'S
DOING TO ME!
[shouts] - ON THE GROUND.
- THIS IS THE SIDE
YOU DON'T SEE.
- ON THE GROUND.
- THIS IS THE KIM...
- YES.
- NICE!
- EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
- YOU'RE SUCH-
[laughter]
- YEAH, KIM! [laughs]
- [screams]
- [grunts]
- OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
- [panting]
- I LET YOU HAVE THAT.
- AND... TIME.
- KYLE WOUND UP ON TOP.
IT'S KIND OF INTERESTING
IF YOU LOOK AT LIFE IN GENERAL
FOR THEM.
- SHE JUST NEEDS TO KNOW
WHO'S THE BOSS.
- JUST ANOTHER DAY IN
THE RICHARDS SISTER HOUSEHOLD.
- WE'RE GONNA GO
ONE FOR THE JAB...
BAM, AND THEN BAM.
- SO ONE, TWO...
- THEN YOU GOTTA STEP IN...
THAT'S IT.
HUH, HUH, AND THEN... THAT'S IT.
- [screams]
- GOOD.
[women cheering] - GO, B!
- SECOND TIME. SO ONE, TWO...
AH, AH. AH. [chuckles]
- I WANT TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE.
- I KNOW YOU DO.
GO ON, HIT ME IN THE FACE.
- HOLD ON, MY HAIR.
[gasps] all: OH!
OH. - OH, BRAN.
- IT'S OKAY.
- OH. NO, I HUR... I... HE...
I HIT HIS HEAD.
- I HEARD THE SOUND.
- I DIDN'T WANT TO BE, LIKE,
ONE OF THE WHINEY BRATS,
BUT MY HAND IS KILLING ME.
I'M DONE. I FEEL BAD.
I JUST FELT
YOUR BONE IN YOUR HEAD,
AND I FELT BAD. - YEAH.
- OH, MY GOD, I'M GONNA DIE.
- WOW.
- TO SUM IT UP, YOU JUST
HAVE TO DARE TO ENGAGE,
AND YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY
PRACTICE THAT TO DARE THAT.
IT'S A VERY UNNATURAL THING
TO DO.
- STOPPING RIGHT THERE, I WANT
YOU TO BE A LITTLE BIT AWARE,
AND I HOPE... THAT'S THE MESSAGE
THAT I HOPE I CAN BRING ACROSS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING HERE.
[cheers and applause]
FROM TAMARA, FORTUNE GYM,
ALL OF US.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- JOYCE, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WHAT A GREAT DAY.
- I'M GLAD YOU GUYS HAD FUN.
- OH, MY GOD.
- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
WE'RE TOGETHER
AND FIGHTING IS INVOLVED,
BUT WE'RE ALL LEAVING HAPPY,
SO I THINK IT WAS A GOOD DAY.
- GIRLS, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
I HOPE YOU HAD FUN.
- FUN, FUN.
- THANK YOU, JOYCE.
LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
- OKAY.
- I MEAN, I HAVE TO GO ALL
STINKY AND SWEATY, BUT OH, WELL.
- MY HAND'S SWELLING NOW.
WE'RE ALL HURT.
THIS YEAR HAS BEEN
A REALLY ROCKY ROAD FOR ME.
EVERY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENS,
SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.
MY DAD AND I ARE GOOD,
I BREAK MY HAND.
IT'S PAR FOR THE COURSE.
- YOU THINK YOU REALLY HURT
YOUR HAND? SERIOUSLY?
- WELL, I MEAN,
IT DIDN'T HURT AT THE TIME,
BUT NOW IT'S HURTING, YES.
IT HAPPENED...
[imitates punching] LIKE THAT.
I JUST THREW IT.
OW, THAT HURT MY HAND. [laughs]
- YOU THINK YOU'VE BROKEN IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- COMING UP...
- WHAT IS THAT?
- FOR ME?
- YEAH.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- [British accent]
WHERE'S MY CARD?
- I'M GONNA KICK
YOUR LITTLE ASS.
- YOLANDA...
- AH!
- I THINK SHE'S A LITTLE FREAKY.
- OKAY, YOU CHOKE, I WHIP.
- YES, DONE.
- [laughs]
- THIS IS A SELF DEFENSE CLASS,
NOT A SEX ED CLASS. - IT'S... OH.
ALL RIGHT.
HIYA! HUH!
- I BET YOU LIKE THIS, YOLANDA.
[laughs]
- SHH. YOU BETTER BE NICE,
BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO REALLY DO IT.
- I DON'T THINK I'LL PRACTICE
MY CHOKING WITH YOLANDA.
I THINK I'LL PASS.
IT'S NOT FOR ME.
- WHOO!
- CHOKE HIM OUT!
- TOO TIGHT ON HIS NECK,
YOLANDA.
- HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THIS.
HE SAID...
- NO, STOP! NO!
THAT'S TOO TIGHT, YOLANDA.
- STRONGER, STRONG...
MORE, MORE, MORE.
TAP, TAP, MORE, MORE.
- TAP, TAP.
- [screams]
- I THINK I ALMOST
STRANGLED HIM.
WAS IT GOOD?
- THAT WAS ACTUALLY PERFECT.
- I DON'T THINK YOLANDA
UNDERSTANDS
THE MEANING OF "SAFE WORD."
UH, UH.
- TAP, TAP, MORE, MORE.
- I'M FINE.
- [laughs] COME ON.
LET'S GO, YEAH.
- SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'VE
REALLY HURT YOUR HAND,
WE SHOULD GO AND CHECK IT OUT.
- I... BABE, I'M FINE.
- HUH? WHAT?
REALLY? WHY HAVE YOU GOT
AN ICE PACK AROUND IT THEN?
- BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE SWELLING GOES DOWN.
- IT IS SWOLLEN.
- I'M FINE.
- IT'S NOT FINE.
- YOU GUYS, I'M A BIG GIRL.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- I PROMISE.
LISA MOTHERS ME SO MUCH,
AND I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME.
I ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER,
AND SHE DOESN'T NAG ME, EVER.
- I HAVE THIS FOR YOU.
IT'S A LITTLE... LITTLE...
JUST A LITTLE... - FOR ME?
- YEAH.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- [British accent]
WHERE'S MY CARD?
- "I'M NOT REALLY A BITCH,
I JUST PLAY ONE IN YOUR LIFE."
[laughter]
- I SEE YOU'RE TRYING
TO COZY UP TO BRANDI NOW.
- [laughs]
I KNOW SHE'S HAD A ROUGH MONTH,
BETWEEN LOSING HER DOG
AND SOME OTHER PERSONAL ISSUES,
AND I WANTED TO LET HER KNOW
I AM REALLY A FRIEND,
AND THAT IF SHE NEEDS ME,
I'M HERE.
- THANK YOU, THAT'S VERY SWEET.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S
THE FIRST LIE FOR A START.
- [laughs]
OH, SORRY, LISA, COULD YOU MOVE?
- AY-YI-YI.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
- HEY.
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WHAT ABOUT A BEER?
WE'RE NOT GOING TO EAT, ARE WE?
I'VE GOT TO GO SOON.
- I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING.
- OH, IF YOU...
CAN'T YOU JUST... - RELAX?
- NOT SAY THAT AND JUST
HAVE SOME FOOD AND DRINK
WITHOUT SAYING THAT?
"I HAVE TO WORK. I'M BUSY.
I HAVE TO WORK. I'M BUSY."
- NO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY...
- SO AM I. WE ALL ARE.
WE GET IT, YOU'RE BUSY.
WE'RE ALL SITTING AROUND
ON OUR ASS EATING BONBONS.
- ANYWAY, CHEERS.
- WELL, SHE DOESN'T
HAVE HERS YET,
SO WE'LL WAIT, WE'LL WAIT.
- WE'RE NOT. WE'RE DESPERATE.
- OH, MY GOD.
WELL, I WANTED TO WAIT FOR YOU.
- NO, IT'S FINE.
- IT'S ALL ABOUT LISA.
- RAWR!
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY COMPETITIVE
WITH EACH OTHER.
I FEEL LIKE THERE...
LIKE YOU GUYS THINK
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE QUEEN.
- I-I...
- NO, THAT'S SILLY.
- THANK YOU.
- WE'RE GOOD, AND THAT'S IT.
AREN'T WE? OH, STOP IT.
- NO, I...
- LOOK HOW TENTATIVE YOU ARE.
- NO, I'M NOT. WE ARE GOOD.
- I LIKE YOU GUYS TOGETHER.
- WE'RE GOOD.
- AND IF WE'RE NOT,
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- IF WE'RE NOT,
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- OH, HELLO.
IT'S NOT JUST ON YOUR TERMS.
IF WE'RE NOT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- OKAY... OOH! LAST WORD.
- DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD
HAVE SOMEONE LOOK AT HER HAND?
'CAUSE I'M FEELING GUILTY.
- SHE WON'T... ANYTHING I TELL HER
TO DO, SHE WON'T LISTEN.
- 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO.
- I DON'T CARE.
IF IT'S BROKEN,
YOU NEED TO GET IT SEEN TO.
- I'M GONNA GO HOME,
I'M GONNA WRAP IT,
AND I'M GONNA
CHILL WITH THE KIDS.
- WHAT'S WRAPPING IT...
I'M TELLING YOU,
IF YOUR HAND'S BROKEN,
YOU NEED TO HAVE IT FIXED.
- IT'S FRACTURED. WE'RE GOOD.
- YEAH, NO, IT'S NOT GOOD.
I CANNOT LET THAT GO
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT MAKING
THE RIGHT DECISION ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T THINK
IT IS MOTHERING HER.
MAYBE THAT'S ME. I DON'T KNOW.
I CARE ABOUT EVERYBODY THAT'S
IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE, SORRY.
- SHE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
SHE'S A BIG GIRL.
- I'M FINE.
- BUT YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT.
- I'M FINE.
- YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU'RE FINE,
AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE NOT.
- YOU KNOW,
SHE'S ALWAYS MOMMYING ME.
IT'S, LIKE,
A LITTLE OVERBEARING.
LISA LIKES TO POINT OUT
MY WEAKNESSES A LOT
TO REMIND ME
THAT SHE'S STRONGER THAN ME.
I'M FINE RIGHT NOW.
- "I'M FINE"
DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.
- I'M FINE.
- LISA.
NEXT TIME ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES
OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- WHEN YOU HAVE A PARTY,
DO IT RIGHT.
- UNO! DOS! TRES!
WHOO!
- CAN I JUST PEEK AT THAT?
- YEAH, IT'S NOT DONE...
- IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?
- REALLY?
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?
- WHAT ARE WEREPUPPIES?
- YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM?
- OKAY.
[squeals]
- SPELLS ONLY GET TO YOU
IF YOU BELIEVE IN IT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] YOU.
WHEN YOU GO HOME TONIGHT,
WATCH OUT.
- TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,