The Ranch (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - I Can't Go There - full transcript

Damn it.

Boots are all dirty.

Now what am I gonna wear out?

Well, that's what you
get for only having one pair.

You always need four
pairs of boots, Colt.

One pair of working boots,

one pair of drinking boots,
two pair for knocking boots.

The only reason you'd
need two pair of knocking boots

is if you're doing
it outside on all fours.

No, man.

You need 'em for when you
gotta jump out of the window



and leave a pair behind.

If you think you might get caught,

why don't you just leave the first pair

of boots outside the window?

Damn, Colt, you just changed the game.

Man, Dad was being a
real hard-ass today, huh?

Yep.

I heard him utter every
curse word known to man,

but I ain't never heard him take
John Deere's name in vain.

He's just pissed 'cause
Mom didn't wanna move in.

I haven't seen him that mad since

Obama released his birth certificate.

Wait, what the hell's the
deal with Mom and Dad, man?

I... You know, they seem
like they're getting along so well.



Yeah, I've seen this over and over.

Mom and Dad are like Brooks
& Dunn, you know?

They get back together every few years,

and every time they do, it
just gets worse and worse.

- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey, Pop.

How far did you get with the fence?

Uh, we got to the west creek.

Both of you,

all day, got to the west creek?

There any chance you're saying that

'cause you're just so impressed?

Closed the gate on the way out?

Yeah.

Yeah, we closed it.
I remember it, 'cause I said,

"It's awfully windy out,

make sure that gate's
closed tight, Rooster."

Oh, yeah, that's right.

And then I closed it and I said,

"Hey, Colt, make sure
you go lock that gate."

And then you said to me,

"Oh, man, I'm Colt Bennett.

I don't gotta make sure of nothing."

And then you were like,

"Man, Dad's a real jerk, ain't he?"

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And then I said, "Just kidding.

'Cause Dad is not only my father,

he's my best friend."

But, Dad, you know what, I'm gonna go

check on that gate on Colt's behalf.

Oh, no.

You boys relax.

You've had a long day.

I'll go check on it.

And when I get back,

I'll give each of
you a nice foot massage.

I know he's kidding...

but I bet them strong
hands could work wonders.

Where are you goin'?

Go help Dad.

You might wanna leave

an extra pair of boots outside the barn.

Yeah, I'll come help.

Son of a bitch!

I've missed 15 years,

I can miss one more night.

- Hey, Hank. Mom.
- Colt.

Hey.

How's, uh, life in the Airstream?

Oh, it's good.

Though, ever since I heard what
you and Heather did in there,

I haven't been able to
eat off my kitchen table.

If that's the case,

you might not want to eat off this bar.

Seriously though, you doing okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm more concerned about your father.

How's he holding up?

Today he told me I
make terrible coffee...

told me I can't bale hay for shit...

then he went on a one-hour
rant about how

they don't make dirt like they used to.

Look, I'm sorry if what's
going on with your father and I

has made life harder for you.

Hey, who am I to be mad?

You came home, stirred
shit up, and left.

That's a move right out

of the Colt Bennett Playbook.

- Hey, Colt.
- Mmm. Hey, Ab.

Hey, Mrs. Bennett.

Hey, darlin'.

I got you a little
something for your trailer.

Kind of a re-housewarming gift.

Oh.

Really?

I think I warmed it up pretty
good with that fire.

I got it, it's too soon. I'm sorry.

Well, isn't that sweet.

And it's sharp and spiky.

I think I'll put it on my kitchen table.

You just love gifts, don't you?

What're you talking about?

You give my mom a housewarming gift,

you tell me to get Heather a gift,

which gifted me the
greatest gift of all...

a girlfriend.

Aw, that's cute.

You guys gonna hold hands

when you pick her up from junior high?

I ain't dating someone from junior high.

She's kidding, Hank.

I'm not here to judge.

I'm telling you,
things were going great.

Now she's in my phone as "Heather"

with two heart emojis.

She used to be in my phone as "Hannah?"

Colt, when is the last time

you were in a real relationship?

Oh, you know what,

I was in a serious relationship

with this girl named Jessie.

- Oh.
- And on our first anniversary,

her husband walked in on us.

Should have left a pair of
boots outside the window.

What?

Ah... Nothing.

I guess, uh, you set the
bar pretty high, girl.

Well, that's very
sweet. It's also very true.

I was your last serious girlfriend?

Well, who are you to be giving

relationship advice anyway?

You only been with Kenny.

No! I dated lots of people.

I went out with Steve Williger.

- You... Steve Williger?
- What? Yeah.

That guy wore a Star Wars
T-shirt every single day!

"Fashion
sense, I have none."

All right, you can keep going,
dating a cavalcade of women, or...

- Stop.
- It means a parade.

Thank you.

Or you could commit to a relationship

and see what it's like to be an adult.

All right, so, you're telling me

that you think I
should commit to a woman

that you think I'm immature for dating?

I'm not talking
about Heather specifically.

I'm talking about the fact that
you're a 34-year-old man

who hasn't had a serious
girlfriend since he was 18.

Yeah.

You know what? You're
right. I need to grow up.

I'm gonna text Heather to tell
her that I'm gonna break up with her.

Oh, my God! No, you cannot
break up with her over text.

True, true, that could get messy.

I'll just wait for her to text me

and then write back,
"New phone. Who dis?"

All right.

If you insist on doing it this way,

at least let me write the text

so you don't seem like a total asshole.

Well, that seems like the
easy way out. Here you go.

But make sure you misspell some
words so she believes it's me.

- "Heather, it's been great seeing you..."
- Oh, oh,

spell "great" G-R-8.

"But now is
not a good time for me."

- Yeah.
- "You're a real special girl

and I know you'll find someone great."

- G-R-8.
- G-R-8, yeah. I got it. Gotcha.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

That's perfect.

I should let you break
up with all my girlfriends.

- Send that.
- Yep.

- Bingo.
- Yes!

"Heather, I'm coming over.

There's something I need
to tell you in person."

Oh, what the hell?

Welcome to adulthood.

Where are you
going? Hey, come back here!

New phone. Who dis?

Thanks for coming on
such short notice, Dale.

Good to see you.

It's never good to see me, Beau.

The last three times,
it was a cow in labor,

a bull insemination, and
Carol Palmer's wedding.

All of which took three
hours longer than they should have.

Hey, Doc, how's your daughter doin'?

As far as you're
concerned, she's a lesbian.

She sure wasn't in high school.

So, what's going on with the calf, Dale?

Damn it, Dale, I said

what's going on with the calf?

Why are you shouting at me?

Because you need a hearing aid, old man.

I do not need a hearing aid.

You need to stop mumbling, Grandpa.

I don't mumble.

Telling me I mumble...

Yeah, yeah, you're both old.

So, uh, Doc, what do you
think's going on with this calf?

Well, looks like a bacteria infection.

Probably brought on by
drinking standing water.

- Son of a bitch.
- Are we gonna lose him?

Not necessarily.

You'll know in 24
hours, one way or the other.

What're our options?

For the love of God!

What are our options, you old coot?

Our options are that you adopt

a civil tone with me or I'm leaving!

You're right. I'm sorry.

Jackass.

Jackass?

Oh, that you can hear!

Well, the best thing you can do

for this calf is to start him on...

a series of antibiotics.

But that's gonna cost you money...

and I know you for
being a cheap bastard.

How much you gonna gouge me?

Oh, the whole series will
be about, uh, 250.

250? What, are you taking Charlene

to Rome for your anniversary?

Can you guarantee it's gonna work?

You know the answer
to that as well as I do.

It may work, it may not.

"May." Always hated that word.

It's only when my
birthday is, but whatever.

Well, the shots are
cheaper than losing the calf.

Especially this close to market.

Not if we're gonna lose him anyway.

Then we're down 250, plus
1,200 for the calf.

So, what's your professional opinion?

Well, if it was up to
me, I'd give the calf shots.

Of course you would. You
get paid to give shots.

You know, I got kicked in the
chest by a mule this morning

and that visit was
pleasanter than this one.

What's it gonna be, Beau?

Look, Dad, if there's no
guarantee it's gonna work,

we should save the money and not do it.

Rooster, nobody asked you.

We're not gonna do it!

Suit yourself. You know the drill.

Push the fluids. Electrolytes,
if you got 'em.

Thanks, Dale.

If you need me, you can
call, I'll be in the neighborhood.

I'm stopping over at the Anderson ranch.

That old man is a bigger
pain in the ass than you are.

I wish that mule had kicked you harder.

What?

Damn it. Get your ears fixed, old man!

I can't even insult you anymore!

Hey, Doc, before you leave, um...

you check out a rash?

Is it on an animal?

Yeah. It's... it's on a rooster.

Well, say "what up" to
your daughter for me.

You know, I do castrations, too.

- Hey, sexy.
- Hey.

So, I got your text.

What'd you want to talk about?

Yeah, yeah. Uh...

look, you know, I know you
liked that lingerie I got you...

No, I loved your gift. I'm
wearing it right now.

Well, not the bottoms.

Oh, good Lord.

Um...

Yeah, look, about that, um...

You know, it's been
real great seeing you.

And you're a super special
girl and I'm sure you'll find a...

motorcade of great guys.

Wait, are you breaking up with me?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Okay.

That's it? You ain't gonna cry?

You're not mad? I wore...
I wore this cup for nothing?

Colt, look, I'm just
happy you did it in person

and not over text
like my last boyfriend.

What an asshole, that guy.

Um...

All right, well, cool.
You're... sure you're okay?

Colt, I'm not looking to get
married or anything. I'm young.

I thought you wanted to be

in a relationship, you're the old one.

Trust me, it's no big deal.

All right. Wow, this is...
That's... This is really cool of you.

All right. Good.

So, uh...

guess I'll see you around then.

Yeah. Or we could keep having sex.

I am so glad I didn't
break up with you over text.

Hey, how's he doing?

Fine.

I brought you some soup from the bar.

Hank threw in some deer jerky.

Although I saw the front
of his car was smashed in,

so eat it at your own risk.

Not hungry.

You gotta take care of yourself.

I'm doing all right.

Okay, we're up to three-word
answers. That's progress.

Why are you here?

Because you're my husband.

I'm not sure that word means
the same to both of us.

Beau, I love you.

I'm just not sure that
I can live with you.

What man doesn't want to hear that?

I don't want to hurt you. It's
just the way it has to be.

That's the last thing I say to my steers

just before I take
them to be slaughtered.

Not you.

I just don't understand what's
wrong with what we have.

Are you kidding me?

We are a husband and a wife and
we live in separate houses.

Might as well live in California.

It's worked for us for years.

Well, it's not working for me anymore.

Really? 'Cause, right now, I only
see you about 10% of the time,

but when I do, I have
100% of your attention.

If I move back in,

I'd have 10% of your
attention 100% of the time.

I got zero percent for you right now...

'cause I gotta worry about this calf.

Oh, come on, Beau.

I worked this ranch
with you for 30 years.

I know there's nothing to
do for that calf but wait.

You're just using it as an
excuse not to talk about this.

Then why are we still talking?

You know, your
attitude has made me change my mind.

I'd love to move back in and
have every day be just like this.

Thanks for the soup.

Thanks for nothing.

What? She started it.

Hey, Mom, where you goin'?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

What happened? Did the cow die?

Did Dad die? Did you kill Dad?

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Are you sure you're all right?

You want me to come down to the bar?

Not to drink, but, you know, to talk.

Although I'll probably still
have a drink, I mean, it is a bar.

No, just stay with your dad.

Love you, Jameson.

Love you too, Margaret.

I don't know why I said your
first name like that.

You did it and it felt right, then
I did it and it felt really weird.

Love you, Mom!
There it is! That's better!

Hey, Dad, what happened with
Mom? Why is she so upset?

Dad? Beau?

That was weird.

Drake, where you going?

Hey, where you going?

Why won't anybody answer me?

Hey, what's going on?

I'm calling the vet. I'm
getting the antibiotics.

I thought we decided that
was too expensive.

I changed my mind.

What? You don't change your mind.

You still think left-handed people

just haven't learned how
to use their right hand yet.

That calf will bring $1,200
if we can get it to the sale.

I'm gonna make the gamble.

Well, $250 is a lot of money right now.

What the hell are we supposed to do

if something else goes wrong, huh?

I mean, Colt's already burned
down the barn and Mom's Airstream.

Who knows what he's gonna torch next?

It's not a discussion, Rooster.

It's just one calf.

Did I miss the part where
I asked for your opinion?

I think you're letting your
emotions get the better of you.

I'm saving that damn calf!

Fine! Call the vet!

You win, Dale.

I'll buy your damn drugs if you
think it'll save my fucking calf.

Oh!

I am so sorry, Charlene.

I am not a reckless driver.

I'm just saying, you were staring at me

and you almost ran into
that convertible.

Yeah, well, you
both had your top down.

Why is there a light on in your barn?

Oh.

Dad's probably still out
there with that sick calf.

Oh, no, that's sad.

Should we go see if he needs some help?

Oh, no. No. My dad's not big on help.

Pretty sure if he was
stranded on a desert island,

he'd write a message in the
sand that said, "I got this."

Colt, come on.

We should at least go check on him.

If you do, I won't make
you snuggle me after sex.

But I like that part.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Mr. Bennett.

- Hi, Heather.
- How's he doin'?

Well, he's got a bacterial infection.

- I just gave him a dose of antibiotics.
- Poor guy.

Same thing happened to my calf in 4-H.

You were in 4-H? I didn't know that.

To be fair, we don't do a
lot of talking.

I was in 4-H when I was a kid.

I didn't know that.

To be fair, we don't do a
whole lot of talking either.

I loved 4-H. I named
my first calf The Duke,

after John Wayne.

I named mine Dairy
Potter, after Harry Potter.

That's cute.

At least I think it is.

I had a gerbil named Warren Moon.

You still remember the pledge?

"I pledge my head to clearer thinking.

My heart to greater loyalty."

"My hands to larger service...

and my health to better living."

That was really cool.

"For my club..."

Oh, good, there's more.

"My community,
my country, and my world."

Amen.

Okay, this is great.

Heather, do you wanna head inside?

Did your calf survive?

Yeah, he did.

It was a rough 48
hours, but he pulled through.

Well, that's what we need here.

Two weeks later, he was
mauled by a mountain lion.

Oh, shit.

Warren Moon choked on
a piece of Lite-Brite.

Tried to give him the
Heimlich. Crushed his vertebrae.

Real sad.

You know, Mr. Bennett,

there's nothing much
more you can do for him now.

You should probably just
try to go get some rest.

Yeah, you're right about
that. But I'm fine here.

You guys go have a good night.

Come on, Heather.

You know...

it's just bad luck, really.

Happens to even the
greatest ranchers. Obviously.

Well, I appreciate you
saying that, sweetheart.

- Good night, Mr. Bennett.
- Good night. Say hi to your mom.

Good night, Dad.

Right.

Good luck.

Dad took quite a shine to you.

Well, yeah, he's so
easy to get along with.

Oh, you're serious.

Oh, no, he's not.

I can't believe he hugged you.

'Course he only hugged
me twice in my life...

and one time, I think he just tripped

and grabbed me to keep from falling.

Guys do that to me all the time.

Except they always land like this.

Honestly...

I never took you for the 4-H type.

What type did you think I was?

I don't know. Hot cheerleader?

Yeah, well, I wasn't.

Doesn't it make you
mad when people assume

you're just a really
attractive football player?

No. It's awesome.

Yeah, well, I was a tomboy. It's
what got me competing in rodeos.

Whoa, hold on. You were in rodeos?

Yeah! Still am.

Me and my cousin were Colorado

All Girls Roping Champs last year.

Wow. You guys must've been really good.

Hell yeah, we were good.

I mean, you think you've got a
lot of trophies up in your room,

just wait till you see mine.

I even got a picture
with the president.

Really? W?

- Obama.
- Oh.

So, uh, what's up, you still compete?

Yeah. Got a roping in a couple weeks.

Cool. I'd love to come
down and see you ride.

Really?

Yeah. But just know, if you
mess up, you will be heckled.

Boo!

I'd like it if
you came out and watched.

I work really hard at it.

Yeah.

Maybe afterward we could
get dinner or something?

Sure. I think that'd be fun.

I think it would.

So, we're still having
sex tonight, right?

Fuck yeah.

So, roping, huh?

Tied up a calf, you ever tie up a colt?

And the boy's crying, "Shane! Shane!

Come back, Shane."

Then Shane rides off into the night.

I don't know why, but it
gets me every time, too.

I remember that movie.

We watched it on our honeymoon.

Three times.

You drive all the way back out here

to tell me that I ruined our
honeymoon, too?

No. I didn't go home.

I've just been driving around, thinking.

I... I came up here
before to see if I could help you,

I didn't wanna add to your problems.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, too.

I should have taken
the time to talk to you.

If it makes you feel any better,

I burned my tongue on the soup.

Actually, yeah. It does.

Beau, I... I wanna be with you.

I want to be with you too, Mags.

But I want a lot of other things, too.

I want my bar.

I want to travel.

And I want my
Airstream. It's my retreat.

It's where I think, and
dream, and, I don't know,

get high and listen to Bonnie Raitt,

and cook burritos naked.

I just don't know if I can do those
things if we're living together.

Well...

I suppose I can get to
like Bonnie Raitt, but...

the burritos are a deal-breaker.

What about you?

Aren't there other things you want?

Here's what I want, Mags...

I want you...

me, and the ranch.

The boys are optional.

Well, you have all that.

I'm 70 years old.

I don't know how much time I have left.

I want to live under
the same roof as my wife.

I like my life the way
it is. I like my space.

You like it more than being a family?

We are a family, Beau.

We haven't been a family since you left.

And if there's no
chance in changing that...

then maybe we oughta call it quits.

Are you talking about a divorce?

I guess so.

Wow.

There it is.

Hey, where you been?

Dropping off Heather. What
are you guys still doing up?

Calf's dead.

Shit.

Sorry, Dad.

Well, I should've listened to Rooster.

Could have gone either way.

Don't ever apologize for
not taking Rooster's advice.

It's been a lousy couple of days.

And all I got to show for it
is a vet bill for a dead calf.

How's things with Ma?

I don't wanna talk about it.

You sure?

Yeah.

All right. Let's get the tractor

and put that calf in the ground.

We can take care of that in the morning.

No.

Today sucked.

Let's get it over
with, put it behind us.

He's right.

Plus, Colt's volunteering for work.

We can't miss this opportunity.

Yeah, it's not like I'm going
to sleep tonight, anyway.

Thanks, boys.

Look... Dad, I'm just glad you...

I feel so safe.

Dude, that does not count.

I'm still up four hugs to two.