The Ranch (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Better as a Memory - full transcript

Are you serious?

You saw Burt Reynolds in Garrison?

Yep. Saw him at the gas station.

I rolled up and I said, "Hey,
Bandit. Watch out for them smokies."

He gave me
the double-gun fingers,

and went...

Hopped in his car and sped off.

Run on, Bandit, run.

Man, Burt Reynolds has
the best mustache ever.

Says who?

Hey, I saw Taylor Swift
in a bar in Buffalo once.



- Did you talk to her?
- Yeah, boy.

I went right up to her. I
said, "Hey, I'm Colt Bennett."

She said, "Nice to meet you, Colt.

This is my friend, Leo. He's
gonna throw you out of here."

Hey, still counts, though.

Yeah, boy.

I saw Paul Newman in a butcher
shop in Denver once.

Bought a big rib eye. Bone in.

That's a movie star.

Yeah.

Here's your burgers.

Oh.

Yeah, what is it this time?

Vegetable, turkey or chicken?



Never thought I'd root for chicken.

That's your grass-fed beef.

You've eaten nothing but veggie burgers
in here for the last couple of weeks.

I figured you deserved a treat.

Either a treat or she's
trying to kill you off faster. Ha!

Mmm.

I wasn't this happy on
the day you were born.

- Hey, Colt.
- Oh, hey, Abby.

- Hi, Abby.
- Hey, guys.

Can I, uh, talk to you for a sec?

- Yeah, sure.
- Great.

Don't worry, Colt. I'll watch your beer.

Oh.

Always leaving us for a girl, huh?

Don't talk to me.

I'm... really sorry
about the other night.

I probably shouldn't
have mixed whiskey

with nine more whiskeys.

Oh, it happens.

Hey, uh, just do me a favor.

Next time you're gonna try to
kiss me, give me a heads up.

Oh, I can turn the charm down.

I can't turn it off, but
I can turn it down.

What are you talking about?

Oh...

Okay, the old "I was
too drunk to remember."

- Okay. Been there.
- No.

FYI, that does not hold up in court.

I did not try to kiss you.

Uh... yeah, you did.

You were on the couch

and I come over and I
said, "Are you okay?"

And then you were like...

And I was like, "Whoa!"

And you were like, "Aw!"

And I was like, "Uh..."

And then you were like...

Are you serious? I tried to kiss you?

Yeah.

But, I mean, in your defense... this.

You know, here's the thing.

You didn't respect my
relationship with Heather,

which, I've been told by
someone, is "super not cool."

Wait, who was it? Oh, that was you!

Oh, I guess that makes
you the hypochondriac.

"Hypocrite." It's hypocrite.

Okay, I can make up words, too.

I can't believe I did that to Kenny.

All right, look...

it's not a big deal, okay?

No one's judging you...

except me.

And God.

- Hey, Colt. Hey.
- Oh, hey, Heather.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Phillips.

Do you have a designated driver or
do you need me to call somebody?

Thanks, I'm fine.

Yeah, that's exactly what you said

right before you blew chow on
my favorite Forever 21 shirt.

Okay, I need a drink.

Hey, Abby, make good choices.

God is watching.

- How you doing, Heather?
- I'm bored.

Do you wanna go have sex in your car?

Hell yeah!

Ah! Shit!

I don't have a car.

What about the bathroom?

Ah, no doors on the stalls.

Been caught in there.

Me, too!

- We're perfect for each other.
- Yeah.

You know... there is one other option.

You ever do it in a trailer?

Are you kidding? I was
conceived in a trailer.

I lost my virginity in a trailer.

I had my first girl-on-girl in
a trailer.

I had my first
girl-on-girl in a trailer!

Girl, why are we still talking? Come on!

And you're sure that your mom
doesn't care that we're in here?

In my 34 years, I've
never heard my mother say,

"Do not have sex with
Heather in my trailer."

So, we are good.

Hey, how about some mood lighting?

Ooh, you are so romantic.

You know it.

All right, where do you wanna bone?

How about you do me on the kitchenette?

"Bone" appétit.

Oh, this is great.

I was hoping I'd see you tonight,

get myself a little early
birthday present.

Oh, you got a birthday comin' up?

Yeah, on Monday.

So what're you gettin' me?

Start unwrapping.

- You are so hot.
- Mmm.

I want you.

Hey.

I know you've done it in
a trailer before, but...

you ever do it on a kitchenette?

I feel like my answer might
just disappoint you.

- Is something burning?
- Yeah, it is.

Oh, is that a good thing?

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God, Heather!
- No, there's a fire!

What? Whoa!

Oh, shit!

- Oh!
- Keep going.

Oh!

Here, Colt!

Oh. Thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, shit!

So...

where were we?

What the hell happened here?

Well, as it turns out, uh, Heather
here is a bit of a trailer...

enthusiast.

And when I told her that you had an
Airstream, she got real excited.

So I brought her out
here to show her and...

as we're approaching the
trailer, she says, "I smell smoke."

I smell bullshit.

What you smell is a hero.

'Cause I ran headlong into
this aluminum inferno of death.

And then what happened, Colt?

You two took off your clothes and
you... you threw them into the fire?

I'm really sorry, Mrs. Bennett.

Ah, it's all right,
sweetie. As long as you're okay.

Yeah, that's the important thing.

I mean, I not only saved your
home, I saved an actual human life.

There's that bullshit again.

Could be worse.

Shouldn't take more than
a week to repair the damage

and air it out from the smoke.

I suppose I
could stay with my friend, Barb.

Although she has
that annoying wiener dog

Dusty that keeps humping my leg.

"It means he likes you."

It means you didn't
train your damn dog, Barb.

You should just stay at the house, Ma.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why? I mean, you're there all
the time, anyway. Right, Dad?

Yeah, I suppose that makes sense.

You already got a
spare toothbrush there,

some clothes and that little
kit you do your nails with.

Oh, uh, actually, that's mine.

But you're welcome to use it.

You sure you wanna date my sister?

So what do you think, Beau?

Stay at the house?

I think it's settled.

We'll have even numbers again.

Two boys, two girls.

You are insane.

There's no way Johnnie Walker
kicks Jack Daniels' ass.

Why not?

'Cause Johnnie
Walker's a weak-ass bitch.

Walking around with
that top hat and cane.

Please, man. He's from Scotland.

Them boys know how to fight.

You ever seen Braveheart?

You don't mess with Mel Gibson.

Especially if you're Jewish.

Hey, you know who'd
kick both their asses?

Jose Cuervo.

Yeah, every time I mess
with him, he kicks my ass.

Rooster, I need to talk to your brother.

Sweet. I'll be in the
kitchen, pretending not to listen.

Okay, is this about the
"Hillary" bumper sticker on your tractor?

'Cause if it is,
that was Rooster's idea.

Don't offer up my house to anybody

without asking me first.

Okay.

Uh, well, it wasn't anybody, it was Mom.

Especially your mother.

If I'da wanted her here,
I'd have asked her myself.

That's right, Colt. You idiot.

Listen, I... I
didn't think it was a big deal,

especially since you guys
are getting along so good.

We are and that's why I
don't wanna change anything.

All right. Well, I'm
sorry, I screwed up.

He didn't mean
it. Kick his ass, Daddy.

- Hey, Colt.
- Hi, Mom.

Uh...

Dad's real excited you're
here. I'm gonna step on inside.

Are you sure about this?

Nope. Are you?

No.

All right, then. Come on in.

And welcome back
to Cook-a-doodle-do

with your host Rooster Bennett.

Our next question
comes from Tim in Arapahoe.

"Dear Rooster, how do you get

your scrambled eggs so light and fluffy?

P.S. Your beard is super kick-ass."

Well, thank you,
Tim. And here's the deal.

Making scrambled eggs

is like making love
to a beautiful woman.

You wanna be gentle, you
wanna take your time,

you wanna make it
last, but most importantly...

you wanna use a shit-ton of butter.

Hey.

So that's why there's a tub
of margarine in your room.

Why the hell are you
talking to yourself?

Well, you were gone for a
long time and Dad doesn't talk.

Got to adapt or die.

Oh, where is Mom and Dad?

I don't know, man. I'm
not keeping track.

I'm just making eggs and doing my show.

Oh. Word to the wise,

next week is my
south-of-the-border episode,

"Hello, Chorizo."

Let me ask you something.

Should I get a birthday
gift for Heather?

Why the hell would you do that?

She's not your girlfriend. You're
just having sex with her.

It's like, did I get a baby
shower gift for Pregnant Linda?

Of course not, man. It's not my kid.

I'm just having sex with her.

When it comes to stuff like
this... I have a system.

It's too late to stop you, isn't it?

I like to break up

with a girl right after Thanksgiving.

You know, avoid all
that holiday gift trouble.

Then, the day after Christmas,

I pick up some girl whose
asshole boyfriend dumped her

to avoid getting her a gift.

Now, tricky part is... is getting
out before Valentine's Day.

So what I like to do is start
a fight at the Super Bowl party.

You know, something like...

"Hey, your sister get some new titties?"

You're the worst person I've ever met.

Thank you.

Good morning, boys.

- Morning, Mom.
- Hey, Ma.

Hey, where's Dad? Is he still sleeping?

Oh, God, no.

He went to work
extra early this morning.

I think he's avoiding me.

Really? What's your secret?

I think I should just go to Barb's.

Let that little dog mess
around on my leg for a while,

maybe it'll lose interest.

To be fair, Dad's not gonna show

as much enthusiasm as Barb's dog.

But...

wouldn't it be kind of weird if he did?

I just feel like he
doesn't want me around.

Mom, I had the same problem with Dad

when I came back.

Don't worry, he'll warm up to you in...

I'll let you know.

Where the hell is all the margarine?

Oh. Hey, Dad, I was thinking...

Will you stop?

Stop thinking.

Stop talking.

How about I meet you
halfway and talk without thinking?

You know, Colt, I had a long day.

All I wanna do is sit down...

and watch the game.

Beau, is that you?

I need to talk to you.

Are you happy?

I ain't been happy in years, Dad.

You taught me well.

Oh! Look at that. Touchdown.

Have fun talking to Mom.

- Maggie?
- Hey.

What are you doing?

Do you really think candles
are a wise choice

based on your recent history?

Look, I... I know we both have

trepidations about me staying here.

I just thought... maybe
we could have some fun.

Like what?

I don't know. We used to
like to go dancing together.

That's true.

So... why don't we go dancing?

I thought you had to work tonight.

I got Maria to cover for me.

I wanted to spend the night with you.

This next question is very important.

Are the boys coming?

It is date night.

I don't know, Mags.

I've had a long day and...

I don't even remember how to dance.

Come on. Shh. Just dance.

There you go.

You see, you remember how.

Smiling?

Is Beau Bennett smiling?

When you dance this
good, you can't help but smile.

This is nice.

It is nice.

Thank you.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take a shower.

That would probably be good.

You wanna join me?

- Save water.
- Yeah.

Bennett takes the snap. He drops back.

He's got a receiver
open over the middle.

He throws!

Touchdown!

What's that?

There's a flag on the play!

Well, but it's declined 'cause it's just

for excessive handsomeness.

- Hey, Colt.
- Hey, Abby.

What you doing here?

Well, I heard your
mom needed new drapes,

so Kenny got these from his hotel.

Can't use them 'cause they
don't match the carpet.

Just to be clear, Kenny's
carpet don't match his...

Don't. No, don't, don't, don't...

- Here.
- Oh, thank you.

Listen, can I ask you something?

Look, Abby, no matter
how many times you ask,

I'm not gonna make out with you.

That's actually what I
wanted to talk to you about.

Oh.

Did you tell anyone
about the other night?

- I put it on Facebook.
- What?

- I snapchatted it.
- No, you didn't.

- I tweeted it.
- No!

No, I didn't do it. No, of course not.

- I would never do something like that.
- Okay.

My lips are sealed.

Unless you try to pry 'em
open with your tongue again.

Just, Kenny was acting weird.

You know, we went to
dinner the other night

and when the waitress
came up and she said,

"Hi, I'm Stephanie. I'm
gonna be your waitress,"

he didn't say, "Hi, I'm Kenny,

and I'm gonna be your customer."

It's his favorite joke.

Oh... okay.

So, these drapes aren't for my mom.

They're to keep me quiet.

They're hush drapes.

Yeah.

Well, I appreciate you
being so cool about this.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what? I
got a question for you.

Listen, no matter how
many times you ask me,

I'm not gonna make out with you.

Come on.

Well, uh, seriously, though.

All right, so, if you're
in, like, a casual relationship...

- Mmm-hmm.
- are you obligated

to get someone a birthday present?

Yes, I think you should
buy Heather a birthday gift.

No, come on. No, this
is not what you think.

I mean, we're just having
fun, fooling around.

Rooster said I didn't
have to get her a present.

Ooh. Taking relationship
advice from that guy?

He dumped my friend Sharon
four days before Christmas.

Oh, that's cutting it close.

She must have been hot.

Just don't make the same
mistake you did with me.

What are you talking about?

I gave presents all the time.

Yeah. For Christmas one year,

you got me a Broncos
T-shirt from the gas station.

Whoa, whoa.

That was a commemorative

John Elway retirement shirt jersey.

Limited edition.

Exclusive to Chevron.

Must be why there
was only triple-XLs left.

Yeah, the same size as my love for you.

And what about that birthday?

When you made me that
coupon book for free massages

because you clearly forgot

- to get me anything else.
- Look, I did not forget.

On the way to dinner,

you asked me how to spell "massages."

It's a complicated word.

It's real close to "messages."

- Oh, boy.
- Hey, look.

Seriously, though,
what should I get her?

Hmm... what would someone her age want?

Ooh! You could take her to the
mall and get her ears pierced.

Shut up.

And then you guys
could get a Happy Meal.

Very funny.

Hey, um...

do you wanna make out?

Get out. No!

What's a bag of weed
doing in the vegetable crisper?

Well, I told Dad it was kale.

That way I knew he'd never touch it.

And how do you know it isn't, Mother?

'Cause I grow kale in my garden.

Maybe next time I come by the bar,

we'll smoke a salad together.

Hey, Ma.

Your trailer is as good as new.

Actually, it's better than new.

I bought you a little gift.

My way of saying I'm sorry,

but I'm not gonna tell you what it is.

Is it a toaster?

Come on. How did you know that?

'Cause my credit card had
a charge for a toaster.

- Brisket's ready.
- Ooh!

Oh, so is the salad.

Good, I can use it to garnish my meat.

All right. You don't
have to eat any salad.

I'm not gonna ruin our first
family dinner in ten years.

It's just red meat
twice this week, Beau.

Next Sunday we can smoke a tofu.

Or we can just smoke some kale.

Dad's brisket.

That's the best meal
on the entire planet.

And I know 'cause I've
lived in a lot of big cities.

Orlando and Saskatchewan.

I get the end piece.

Uh, then I get the bigger one.

The hell you do.

I should get the other
one then 'cause I'm older.

Well, I'm better looking.

I'm not willing to concede that...

but I also don't see how that's related.

Thank you for this wonderful
meal we're about to eat.

It's been a long
time since the four of us

sat down like this together...

and I'm grateful to you for
allowing that to happen.

May the sun shine, the rain fall,

the grass grow, and
the herd stay healthy.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Mom!
- Mom!

Whatever, I gave you both life.

Wow.

What a beautiful, clear night.

God, I can see every star.

And every government satellite.

I bet they're looking at us right now.

Well, come on, let's give 'em a show.

Ah, Maggie...

You know, you coming back here

turned out to be a pretty good thing.

It did.

I was worried for nothing.

Me, too.

What do you say we do it permanently?

What?

Move back in, Mags.

Okay, probably had enough of this.

I'm serious.

I mean, there's no reason you should

move back to that Airstream

when you ought to be living here.

Beau, I'm not sure that...

Listen to me.

We've been going in this
direction for a while now.

I mean, things have been really
good since Colt came back.

Didn't think I'd ever hear
myself saying that.

I mean, you're right. Things
have been really great, so...

let's not do anything to screw it up.

I've been afraid of that, too, but...

you know, these last few days have been

some of the best days we've ever had.

Yeah, but, just because they've
been great lately,

uh, it doesn't mean that everything
between us is fixed.

So move in and we'll fix it together.

Oh, it's not that simple.

Well, it can be.

It's either a yes or a no.

Oh, see, that's how
it is with you, Beau.

Your whole world is black and white.

So is that a yes or a no?

You gonna make me do this?

Yes.

Then no.

Did you get all that?

Oh!

Shit.

- Hey, Colt.
- Hey!

The baby's sleeping.

- You have a baby?
- Yeah, I didn't tell you?

That's not a deal breaker, is it?

I mean...

Well...

- Colt, I'm messing with you.
- Oh.

It's my sister's. I
just babysit every Sunday

so she and my ex-husband
can have a conjugal visit.

Uh, so... your sister
and your ex-husband

who's in jail for...

Oh, my God, you're so gullible.

- Please sit down.
- Oh, yeah.

So, what's going on?

Um...

uh, I just wanted to come by and
wish you an early happy birthday.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

You got any big plans?

Yeah, I'm going out to
Telluride to do the birthday circuit.

Free appetizers at
Applebee's, free dinner at Denny's,

free dessert at TGI Fridays and then

free drinks all night long at Chili's.

Oh, and I get a Bloomin'
Onion from Outback.

I just don't know if we'll have time.

They give you free drinks
at Chili's on your birthday?

Oh, no, my friend Lizzie works there.

She's dating the manager. He's married.

She gets away with whatever
she wants.

Okay. Well, hey, I, uh...

I wanted to stop by and give you this.

Oh, my God, Colt.

You did not need to do that.

Apparently, I did.

This is my favorite store.

They usually give you a balloon, though.

Yeah, yeah, they were all out.

I'm gonna rip 'em a new one on Yelp.

Oh, my God, Colt.

That's beautiful.

Well, keep digging.

There's a coupon book in there.

"One free message"?

That's supposed to be... Damn it!

"One free lingerie removal."

Yeah. Well, that's not "limit
one per customer."

So, is it my birthday or yours?

But, really, I...

I appreciate you thinking of me.

Yeah.

I didn't know we were at this stage.

Stage?

Yeah, of our relationship.

Relationship?

Yeah, I totally wasn't expecting a gift.

Uh...

Hey, did your sister
get some new titties?

Oh.

You dead?

Okay.

What are you doin' up?

Mom went back to the Airstream.

Oh...

Well, what happened?

I asked her to move in.

She said no.

You wanna talk about it?

Nope.

Dad...

I've been here through... all
the stuff with you guys and...

I know it makes you

uncomfortable to
hear, but I do love you.

And I love Mom.

And nothing would make me happier

than to see you guys work it out.

But if that's not gonna happen...

I'd like to at least see you
guys stop hurting each other.

Well, that just seems
to be me and your mom.

Then maybe it's time to move on.

She's my wife, son.

Yeah.

Well, we're here for you,
whatever you decide to do.

Or... at least I am. I don't
know where the fuck Colt is.

I don't know what to do.

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but...

I think you could use a little kale.