The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 35 - Bilko's School Days - full transcript

(barking orders)

Hello Patsy, this is
Bilko. Is it all right to talk?

Okay, here's the bet.

I want $20 to win on Speedo
Print in the 1st race of Belmont,

yes and... what?

The cash, oh I'd love
to bring it down to you,

but you see we're
out on maneuvers.

I'm talking to you
on a walkie-talkie.

Oh there goes
the mortar training.

Yes, we're out,
out... hello Patsy,

I'll be in the first...
Patsy, hello?



What's the matter,
Sarge? Were you cut off?

Yeah, we were cut off by Patsy.

How do you like this?

A sure thing, a 40 to 1 shot
and I can't even raise a nickel.

And post time, is
1:30 at Belmont.

- Yeah.
- Hey Sarge, you better hurry up

if you wanna get that
bet down on Speedo Print.

We got 10 minutes to raise $20.
That can only mean one thing.

What are you doing, Sarge?

- What? What?
- Sarge?

- Auction time.
- Oh come on, Ernie.

The guys aren't
gonna go for that.

They won't, huh? You
just watch and see pal.

Watch a manipulator work.



Sarge, you're out of your mind.

What was that, Rocco?

Did you say I was
out of my mind?

By George, Rocco
is right gentlemen.

I have finally flipped my
lid. Sgt. Bilko has gone crazy.

He's gonna auction off
his most prized possession.

Gather round gentlemen.

Here we go again! Here we go.

Gentlemen, in this envelope
lies the formula to happiness,

a group of numbers.

Individually, they mean nothing

but put them in
their proper order,

they will open the
gates to heaven.

He's probably gonna
sell us dog tags.

Just for that, you can't bid.

Make a note of that, I
accept no bids from Mullen.

All right gentlemen, who's
gonna be the lucky man.

What are you sellin',
a sweepstake ticket?

Aah, a sweepstake
ticket involves chance.

This is a sure thing.
What is it, a good address?

Aah, he's getting warm.

I know, I know
I've got it! I've got it!

By George, I think he's got it.

- A phone number.
- Paparelli!

You little gypsy
fortune teller you, yes,

it is a phone number but
gentlemen, not just any phone number.

Whose is it? Come on, Sarge.

Well, I'm not at liberty
to tell you at this time.

But all I can say is a
man never answers

and she's always home
and you should hear her

when she lifts the phone and she says,
"Yes I would like to make a win like.."

- What is she like, Sarge?
- Who is it? Who is it?

Gentlemen you must listen.

When I give you these, this.
All right, before this envelope

steams itself open,
what am I bid?

6 cents.

All right I said I want
no bids from him.

I want no jokers
here. No bids from you.

All right gentlemen,
let's have a sensible bid.

- 15 cents.
- 15?

Well, 15 cents is a fair
bid for a Hershey Bar.

But is a trip to paradise
worth only 15 cents?

Come on gentlemen,
let's hear it!

You heard it, that's
all we got, it's 15 cents.

- We're broke.
- Not a dime.

- We're tapped out.
- Shut up!

I'm sick of hearing that
over and over again,

"We're broke! We're broke!"

All right break it up, I'm tired of
lookin' at your penniless faces.

Take it easy on 'em Ernie.

It's just a bad time
of the month for them.

Look, it's been a bad time of
the month for them every week.

I'm getting tired of the whole
financial picture round here.

Even Doberman
is getting thinner.

Look, Ernie it's
almost time for this race

we gotta get the bet down.

There must be some
way to raise that $20.

Let's go out. Come on.

You got a screwdriver...?

Come, come ladies, what
am I bid for this priceless

unlisted phone number.

Joanie, why don't
you start the bidding?

- Okay, I'll bid you goodbye.
- Oh, oh she's always...

What do we need a
phone number for?

Oh come on girls, this
is just another Bilko trick.

He once sold me Burt
Lancaster's phone number

and it turned out to
be the Weather Bureau.

Could I help it? Burt worked for
the Weather Bureau at the time.

I'll never forget his voice
when he used to say,

"Fair today with
increasing cloudiness..."

- Come on girls.
- Hey, why don't you listen?

- I'm not...
- Sarge, face it.

You struck out again.

I didn't even have
a chance to go bat.

Hey Sarge, forget
about raising the money,

we missed the first race.

I see it in your eyes,
Speedo Print won, huh?

- What did he pay?
- 40 to 1.

$800 and I couldn't
raise... well, that's it fellas,

the well is dry.

Oh don't say that, Sarge.
Business'll get better.

Oh thank you Bernard
Baruch. What better?

You can see it as well as I can.

Half the post is wise to
me, the other half is broke.

Oh no fellas.

I can read the
handwriting on the wall

and you know what it
says, "Bilko, go home!"

You're leaving the Army?
No, but I'm leaving this post.

I'm gonna apply for a transfer

for the loneliest island
base in the South Pacific.

The Pacific, Sarge?
You'll go nuts there.

Here I'll go nuts,
there I'll get rich.

Don't you get the
picture, soldiers overseas,

overseas pay piling
up, no place to spend it.

I tell you it's a
treasure island

waiting for the right
pirate to come along.

What about us?

I'll send for you
the minute I can.

But for now, I'm gonna
apply for immediate transfer.

With luck I can fly
out of here tomorrow.

Rocco, call the Weather Bureau,

find out the flying
conditions for tomorrow.

- Right.
- Leave it to me.

Sarge, Sarge but
what's the number?

- What?
- The Weather Bureau.

Oh, it's in this envelope,
Edna was right.

- You wanted me, Sir?
- Oh yes, Sergeant. Hogan.

There's a Major Patterson
coming from Washington

this afternoon to
inspect the post.

I'll need an inventory
of all empty barracks

and available
space for new troops.

Are we getting new troops, Sir?

Yes, if Major Patterson
decides on Fort Baxter.

They're thinking of opening
a new school of some kind.

Well, I'll get the girls
on it right away, Sir.

Good morning, Sir.

Oh it's you Bilko,
what is it this time?

Sir, I'd like to make a request.

If it's for a raise,
Bilko, forget it.

Our salaries are
fixed in the Army.

Oh Sir, you don't have to.

Good heavens, I have no
trouble making ends meet, Sir.

- Then what is it, Bilko?
- Well, I'll get to the point, Sir.

I'd like to apply for
immediate transfer, Sir.

Whereas I have served at
Fort Baxter a good many years

and enjoyed every
moment of it Sir,

I think I can best serve the
Army in another post, Sir.

And I hope you'll
see it that way, Sir?

Sir did you hear me, Sir?

Oh yes, I, I, I
heard you, Bilko.

But I never thought it would
come so early in my life

while I still have a
few good years left.

Oh, then you'll grant
my request, Sir?

My boy, we've been
together a good many years.

- Yes, Sir.
- But if you wanna transfer,

I won't stand in the way of my
happi... I mean your happiness.

Thank you, Sir.

Where did you wanna
be transferred to?

Oh, any island in
the South Pacific, Sir.

Out of the country?

Excuse me, Bilko, I'm so
overcome at our parting.

I almost lost control.
Goodbye my boy, Goodbye!

But Sir just a moment, you
haven't signed the transfer yet Sir.

Well, give me the
transfer, I'll sign it.

- But Sir, I have to make it out.
- Well, hurry, hurry!

Goodbye, my boy! Goodbye!

Goodbye, Sir.

DA Form 14-159,
that's for a transfer!

Well, now you know
and be a good soldier.

- Don't make a scene.
- But why all of a sudden a transfer?

I only wanna do my
share on some lonely island

in the South Pacific, some
far flung bastion of democracy

where there's nothing
but jungle, heat, and sand.

And nothing but soldiers
with overseas pay piling up

and no place to spend it?

- That hurt!
- I get it.

The money drought
hit Fort Baxter,

so you're off to
raise new crops.

What harm am I doing?

I'm not taking the
money out of the Army.

I'm just giving the money
a change of scenery.

Well, if the heat don't
make the cards too sticky

and the monkeys
don't steal the dice,

I should be back in 2 weeks.
- My hero!

Ah, here we go.

Immediate transfer
effective immediately.

Here are the
transfer papers, Sir.

Goodbye my boy! Goodbye!

Sir, just a moment, you haven't
signed the transfer yet, Sir.

Oh, delighted Bilko, now

let me see..make
sure I pick the right pen.

I think I'll take the
one with the black ink.

- It never fades.
- Oh Sir, I'll miss your ready wit Sir.

Would you sign
the transfer, please?

Oh Colonel, here are the
accommodation reports

for the new troops.

We have space for an
additional 1,500 men.

Fine, fine, I'll show
them to the Major.

Where's that line I sign?

Excuse me, Sir 1,500 new
men? That's a lot of new blood.

Bilko, give me that transfer.

Oh Sir, I wish you'd give
me a chance to think this over.

- I'm so impulsive, Sir.
- Bilko, give me that transfer!

Sir, how would it look if I
ran out on the Colonel now

when he needed my help
with 1,500 new men, Sir?

Stop thinking of
them and think of me.

Bilko, give me that transfer.

Sir, I couldn't do this
to my beloved Colonel!

- I'll have to make the sacrifice.
- No, Bilko!

Get me some Scotch
Tape. I can still sign it.

But Sir, please,
my decision is final.

After all, you need
some older hands

to help you with the new men.

I'll get the trucks
to welcome them.

I'll make several wonderful
trips 1,500 new men.

1,500!

So close! So close!

What could have been a classic
document is just waste paper.

Why didn't you tell
me? 1,500 new men?

Even if it's only
a dollar a man,

do you know what that comes to?

Ooh, I can't say it.

Well don't get so excited,
because it's not definite.

- It isn't?
- No, it all depends

on a Major Patterson.
- Who is he?

Well, he's coming
down from Washington

to inspect this post as a
possible site for a new school.

- School?
- Uh huh.

That even makes it better.

That means it's young
minds waiting to be molded.

- What kind of school?
- Oh, nobody knows.

What do you mean nobody?
What would he be coming here for?

Fort Baxter? You could
shoot off a rocket here,

nobody would know it. What?

I just answered my own question.

It's gonna be a missile project.

- Missile project?
- Ssshh!

What time is this Major
Patterson getting here?

I would like to meet
him at the train.

You mean, you're
not transferring now?

Of course not.

Girls did you hear the good
news, I'm not transferring out.

Oh, no, no cheers. Glad
to be among you again.

Oh please, don't pull at
me, I'm glad to be... oh you..

All right now, the train'll
be here in a few seconds

and remember, look intelligent.

Oh come on, Sarge. We're
not gonna go to school.

Why do we have
to look intelligent?

How many times do I
have to tell you guys,

Major Patterson has
to inspect 3 posts.

What is he gonna find at Camp
Croft, an intellectual desert!

At Fort Lawrence,
a mental wasteland!

Yeah, and at Fort Baxter?

A Mecca of culture,
where rich young scientists

can rub brains
with their own kind.

During recess, what's
the best way to relax

after those long
tension hours of study?

A poker game?

Ah, he's getting on the ball.
He's starting to pass you Rocco.

- Sarge, the train's in.
- Where?

There he is, he's
getting off, oh,

oh Major Patterson,
over here, Sir.

Major Patterson, sing.

"Boola, Boola, Boola, Boola..."

This Major Patterson
is our dayroom.

This is where the
soldiers at Fort Baxter

spend their relaxing hours, Sir.

Oh, Chet, do you have
to play that Hi-Fi so loud?

Oh, I'm sorry, Sarge.

I seem to be carried
away every time

I conduct Beethoven's Fifth.

He, he loves to conduct, Sir.

Well, it's nice not to
hear Rock and Roll

on an Army post for a change.

- Rock and Roll what's that, Sir?
- Sshh!

Oh we have seemed to
interrupt the chess game.

- Sshh!
- How is it going?

They haven't made
a move in 2 days.

Oh sometimes they don't make
a move for 3 or 4 weeks, Sir.

It's very ex... oh, he's
about to make his move!

Splendid Duane that
was a grand move.

Yes, it was first
attempted by Vassilyav

in his great match against
Kubelyensky, Moscow, 1923.

- Did I say it all right, Sarge?
- Oh yes, it's great Sir.

The match will be
over in a week now, Sir.

Well, it's most unusual.

Frankly, I expected to see
a pool game going on here.

Pool game, Sir? How could they?

The men use the pool table
to pin their butterfly collections.

Oh this is my
favorite right here,

this is the Mongolian Zimmerman.

I'm fond of this one.
It's very rare, Sir.

We had quite a
tragedy last week.

Yes, a rare Gypsy Moth was
crushed into the side pockets.

Hey Sarge! Sarge! Come quick!

- Come quick, Sarge.
- What is it, Leonardo?

Sarge, I was studying the
Quanostros constellation

when all of a sudden it
streaked right across the sky?

What streaked, Leonardo?

A new comet! I discovered it!

Oh, I'm glad you're
here today, Sir.

History is about to be made.

Sarge, I'm gonna
name it after you.

I'm gonna call it Bilko's Comet.

Oh isn't that sweet.
But you don't have to.

There are so many
things named after me now.

Fleischman named his
new chemical after me,

he calls it Bilkocillin.

Oh I have a grand idea
Leonardo, in honour of the Major,

why don't you call your
comet, Major Patterson's comet?

Good, that's what I'll
call it, Patterson's Comet!

Thank you, I'm very
flattered. May I see it?

Er, not for another
200 years, Sir.

You see they streak
across the sky so fast.

Shwishitty, shwish they go!

Let me show you the
rest of the post, Sir, may I?

Thank you. Well I must
say my tour of Fort Baxter

has been a revelation to me.
- I'm glad.

It's so different from
the other 2 posts.

We are different.

I gotta hand it to you, Ernie.

Major Patterson couldn't wait

to pick Fort Baxter
for his school.

Major Patterson
picked? I picked.

Just think of it, 1,500
new men coming in here.

There's a welcoming committee
ready to greet them, what?

Hey Sarge, I
wonder if this really

is gonna be a
missile project school.

Who cares what kind of school?

Whatever they're gonna learn,
we're gonna teach 'em, right?

- Hey did they arrive yet?
- Not yet, Sarge.

Well, I better check
on the barracks.

I want as many of the
pigeons as I can get

to live right here in the coop.

A fine thing being kicked
into the furnace room.

Yeah, Bilko runs this
barracks like a hotel.

- No money, and out you go.
- That's right.

Hurry, come into
the furnace room,

we've gotta make
room for the students.

Doberman, the minute they get
here, show them to their bunks.

I wanna get right into the game.

How many can we accommodate?

- 10.
- 10?

Oh we'll have to do
better than that 10.

Sorry, Fleischman, Mullen

you'll have to live in a
motel for a few weeks.

- Oh Sarge.
- Don't fight.

Beautiful music, here they come.

We'll all get a chance.
Let's make them welcome.

All right, let's
sing nice and loud.

"Hail, Hail The Gang's
All Here, What the He..."

It's a raid! Who squealed?

Sergeant, here are
the school students.

You said you had room for 12.

School? Students?

Fort Baxter has had the
honour of being selected

as the home for the
new M.P. School.

M.P. School, 1,500
M.P.s at Fort Baxter?

That's right.

These men have been
assigned to this barracks.

- Now show them their beds.
- Can I show you to your bunks...?

Here, here... I'm sorry, Sir.

I overestimated my
accommodations.

I don't think I'll have enough
room maybe a little later on.

All right men, I'm sorry
about (barking orders).

Sergeant! Sergeant!

These men have been
ordered to stay here,

now take care of them.

But Sir, I'm thinking
of the men's welfare.

You see one of my
men has a rare disease.

I think it's Beri Beri,
it's very contagious

Sorry gentlemen, some other
time for your protection, you know.

- About face...
- Sergeant! Sergeant!

You'll have to take that
up with the dispensary.

These men are staying here.

All right men, as of this
moment you are M.P. trainees.

In class or out of class, you
are on duty 24 hours a day.

That means you have the
authority to arrest any soldier

who breaks a regulation.

- Carry on.
- Yes, Sir.

Do you like my... well,
fellas, I'm Sgt. Bilko

I know you'll only be here

a short time for a
couple of weeks.

So make yourself at home.

- For 6 months.
- 6 months?

It's a pretty tough course.

Oh, I guess they teach
how to protect the President,

catch spies and
things like that, huh?

Well, a little of
that but mostly

how to break up gambling
and catch card sharks.

What? What? What?

Well, it's a good idea you
know, they keep gambling off...

well fellas, grab your bunks.

Grab any one you see,
make yourself at home.

On the double!

Holy smokes!

Excuse me Sarge, what
happened to all them rich,

young scientists you
said we were gonna get?

I'm warning you, don't
grudger me, I'll turn you in.

Remember, the cops outnumber
the crooks in this barracks now.

Sarge, what are we gonna do?

What? Search each
other, I don't know.

What are they doin' now, Sarge?

They're practicing judo.

Oh, that could have been me.

Boy, every way you
look, there's M.P.s.

the post is crawling with them.

What are you talking
about? It's like living in a jail.

Last time I had a pass, I
felt like I was out on parole.

Sarge, we haven't had a
card game since they got here.

Took care of that.

Where are you goin'?

What are you doin', Sarge?

Sshh!

What's the matter, Sarge?

I arranged a card
game for tonight.

- A card game?
- Shut up!

You're talking right
behind the police station.

What's wrong with you?

Listen Sarge if they catch us
with a deck of cards, we're dead.

I took care of that too.

I don't know, Ernie,
it's awful risky.

It may be...

I'll get it. Hold it!

It's a friend, open.

Hey did you ever see
so many Military Police?

Yeah, my kitchen is full of
'em. Even the K.P.s are M.P.s.

Never mind. Did take
you care of the cards?

- Oh I've got 'em right here.
- Good boy.

Oh be careful,
they're still hot.

- All right.
- Hey cookies!

Get your hands off that.

This is not for eating.
This is for playing.

These are our cards, 52 of 'em.

What do you mean, Sarge?

Oh it's crazy. See that?

3 raisins, that's a 3, 1
raisin an ace, 5 raisins a 5.

Oh look, this one with 11
raisins, that must be a Jack.

Ah, now you're getting' it.

Okay, what's this
one with the nuts in it?

Oh, I had some dough
left over, so I baked a Joker.

Brilliant! Hold this, will you?

- Did you bring the milk?
- Yeah.

Very good, get some
glasses Henshaw.

- What's the milk for, Sarge?
- Can't you get onto anything?

In case the M.P.s walk
in, we eat the evidence

and wash it down
with the milk, huh?

The old Sarge is chuggin' on it.

All right, we all set?

Now look, due to the
emergency, I will deal the cards

as they do in Monte Carlo..out
of the shoe so to speak.

And here we go, and the game,
5 Card Draw, cookies or be...

Jacks or better to
open, understood?

What about money?

We can't put any money on the
table, we keep the bets in our mind,

do you understand Rupert?

You keep the bets in your mind.

What a system.

With my luck, I
could lose my mind.

Here are the cards,
what do you do Rupert?

- Boy what a crummy hand.
- Shut up, and bet.

I bet a dollar, I think.

All right, Rupert, don't nibble
you're marking the cards.

- Oh, I'm in.
- I'm in.

How many cards you want?

- 3 - 3.

- 2.
- Okay, 1, 2, 3.

2 for you, 1, 2, hold it.

Here, take care
of the dish cards.

Keep 'em fresh.

Just a minute, I haven't looked.

Uh huh, I got news
from the bakery.

I'm packed.

- Hey Sarge?
- Oh the M.P.s are here.

Hi fellas.

We're just having some cookies
and milk, won't you join us?

- Oh thanks.
- Thanks Sarge.

This one has a lot of raisins.

There goes my King.

Mm..how 'bout some milk?

Oh no thanks, we just wanted
you to sign this requisition

for 6 jeeps from the motor pool.

- We're practicing raiding tonight.
- It's a good night for it.

Well, thanks Sarge. Can
I have another cookie?

Help yourself.

I like the ones
with a lot of raisins.

Who doesn't?

- Goodnight fellas.
- Goodnight.

Well, there goes our game.

What are you beefing about?

I just ate the best
hand I ever had.

I'll have to make another deck.

Oooh, I'll slice out some cheese
and I'll put pimentos on 'em.

We've gotta get
rid of those M.P.s

You're not kidding.

It's no picnic living
with 1,500 M.P.s.

1,501 M.P.s.

Where's the other
one gonna come from?

- Me.
- You're gonna join the M.P.s?

Yes, Sir.

How you gonna get
rid of 'em that way?

You know what they say,

one rotten banana
spoils the whole bunch!

And so men, I cannot
over stress the importance

of military regulation
to the new M.P.

Now for instance, when
is it permissible for an M.P.

to enter a civilian
establishment?

Trainee Hendricks?

When he is reasonably certain

there are military
personnel on the premises.

That is correct.
Yes, Trainee Bilko?

I beg to differ, Sir.

Under FM 19-15,
a Military Policeman

can enter any establishment
and make an arrest

as stated in paragraph
24, subparagraph 8

as published in the revised
regulations issued in 1950.

Oh yes, I, I overlooked that.

Thank you for bringing
it to our attention.

It is my theory, Sir that
regulations are as important

to the Military
Policeman as his pistol.

That's a good thing for all
you students to remember.

- Remember that...
- Ten-hut!

At ease men.

I'm just showing Colonel
Hall around the school.

Carry on.

Well, speaking of regulations,
Sir, it is my theory when I'm...

Bilko! What are you doing here?

Is he under arrest?

No, Sir, Sgt.
Bilko is our newest

and one of our
brightest students.

Bilko, an M.P.?

Yes Sir, I couldn't
help but join

Fort Baxter's finest
in their great crusade.

Major Patterson has
arranged my transfer.

It's all according
to regulations, Sir.

Bilko, an M.P.?

Can I show you any
more, Colonel Hall?

I don't think so.
You couldn't top this.

Bilko an M.P!

Oh boy that Bilko, how
does he think of these things?

You've gotta give
him credit, what brains!

Sure, he becomes an M.P. soon
the whole post'll be wide open.

Hey when do we
start the card games?

I guess any day now,
whenever Bilko gives us the word.

Hey, hey with our
own M.P. on the post,

It'll be Monte
Carlo every night.

- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, here comes Bilko.

Get out the card
table. Here we go!

Hold it! This is a raid!

Line up against the
wall, I want no trouble.

I get it, Sarge, it's a game.

- What's your name soldier?
- Sarge, it's me Paparelli.

- What's that in your hand?
- It's a dart.

It's an unissued weapon,
according to FM 95-30,

no soldiers should
carry illegal arms.

You're under arrest.

Arrest this man.

Sarge, what's the
matter with you?

You gone nuts?

Ah, resisting apprehension,
arrest this man as well.

- He's under arrest too?
- Yes and you're out of uniform.

What do you mean?

Article 904 clearly
states military ties

should be tucked in between
the 2nd and 3rd button.

Yours is between the
3rd and 4th button, yes.

- You're under arrest.
- Hey, he's talking about...

Ah ah inciting mutiny,
arrest the entire group,

excluding the 2 Corporals.

Sarge, I don't get it. What
are all the arrests for?

What's with throwing the
book at the whole platoon?

Jerks, don't you get it, with
all the men in the guard house,

the post can't function, right?

There's a standstill,
Washington looks into it.

Why is nothing
happening at Fort Baxter?

They see the reason,
the M.P.s, huh?

So they pull out the M.P.s

Sarge, you're, you're brilliant!

You're a genius, Sarge.

Striking a Police Officer
you're both under arrest.

Oh boy, Bilko an M.P.,
our worries are over.

- Hi Ernie.
- Hey Ernie, where's the game?

Yeah.

In the guard house,
you're both under arrest.

- For what?
- Manufacturing gambling devices.

Are you crazy?
These are carrots.

Just a minute, aren't
they diced carrots?

Put a few dots in 'em and then
watch the sevens roll by, eh?

How is it you chaps do?

Seven! None of that!

Take them away! Out! Out!

Well, I was looking for
the Administration building.

I seem to have stumbled
into a Model Agency.

Look who's here,
Renfrew of the Mounties.

Oh you...

Ooo, Ernie, you look so
wonderful in your M.P. uniform.

Ah Joanie, I just wanted
you to be proud of me.

Oh, darling I am. I
bought you a present.

- A present?
- Uh huh, a gold-plated whistle.

Oh, Joan, you shouldn't have.

My, what a lovely
tone... arrest this woman.

Arrest?

For bribing a Police
Officer, you're under arrest.

Sorry, the law's the law.

Get him, the law's the law.

Oh, impersonating an
Officer? Arrest that woman.

- Hey Ernie!
- Hold that!

Inciting to riot, huh?
Arrest the entire group.

Ernie! Out! Out!

I better not. Out! Out!

Sgt. Hogan, I'll need
2 copies of these...

Sgt. Hogan? Billie, Edna?

Where is everybody?

Your M.P.s have gone
too far Major Patterson

in their overzealous
police work,

they've brought this
post to a standstill.

But you must realize Col. Hall,

they're just trainees and
perhaps a little too enthusiastic.

That's putting it mildly.

Most of my staff is
in the guard house,

my Motor Pool, my
cook, my secretary.

It's a ghost camp!

I'll have them
released immediately.

I'd appreciate it.

It's getting a little
lonesome around here.

You know, Col.
Hall, an M.P. School

should operate on
a post of its own,

then the men can
learn to be M.P.s

without disrupting
the other personnel.

Does that mean
you intend to leave?

I understand that Fort
Cullen in North Dakota

has just been deactivated
and I'll make preparations

for us to take it
over immediately.

I think that's the
wisest decision.

I'll post the orders at once.

- Fine, you can use my secretary.
- Thank you.

Just as soon as
she gets out of jail.

That's right Captain
Barker, it's official,

tomorrow morning the
camp will be back to normal.

Sgt. Hogan? Yes
Sir, May I help you?

I just wanted to make
sure you were there.

Come in.

Good morning, Sir.
Good morning, Sergeant.

What can I do... Oh Bilko, I
didn't recognize you in that uniform.

Oh I don't recognize
myself these days, Sir.

Actually on my arm
I may be an M.P.

but in my heart, I'm
still Motor Pool, Sir.

So if you'll just
sign this transfer

returning me to
my own platoon, Sir.

Ah, that's right.

- You're still an M.P.
- Yes, Sir.

And they're leaving tomorrow
morning for North Dakota.

And good riddance I say, Sir.

With them around the
post, no one was safe.

If you'll just sign
the transfer, Sir.

I wouldn't dream of depriving
them of your services.

Why, the M.P.s need
men like you and I don't.

North Dakota, Sir?

Those cold winters,
walking a beat, Sir,

you know I chill so easily.

You'll leave on the
train tomorrow morning.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. You
forced me to do this.

Bilko, have you lost your
mind? Those are requisitions.

What are you doing?
What's come over you?

- Arrest me!
- What for?

Article 89, destroying
Government property.

Take me to the guard
house for 30 days.

Here at Fort Baxter, I
won't press charges.

I want him on that
train tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry, Sir.

But amendment B, the
paragraph 89 clearly states,

a man must serve
his time at the base

where the crime
was committed, Sir.

All right, but then you'll go to
North Dakota with the M.P.s.

Not according to the
paragraph 15 J, Sir.

15 J?

It clearly states that an
M.P. convicted of any crime

is automatically ejected
from the Military Police

and returned to his
former assignment.

You see Sir, justice
must be done.

- Take the prisoner away.
- But, but Bilko...

I'll be all right, Sir.

Don't send me anything,
I've got cigarettes.

Thank you, Sir.
I'll be all right.

Oh well, 30 days
in the guard house,

that's something
to be thankful for.

Who am I kidding?

He'll be out by tomorrow night.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Elisabeth Fraser as Joan Hogan

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Casey Allen as Major Patterson.

Frank Marth as Lt. Anderson

and Barbara Barrie as Edna.