The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 36 - Joan's Big Romance - full transcript

(barking orders)

86, 87, 88...

- Sarge?
- Sshh...

89, 90, 91...

What's he doin'?

Oh he does 100
strokes every day.

It comes to one
stroke for each hair.

Don't make jokes.

Did you get the goin'
away present for Joan?

Yes, an ounce of
imported French perfume.

Oh swell, thanks kid.



Wait, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

I laid out a buck
and a half for that.

Well, put it to
the rest I owe you.

I think it comes to $19.40.

Totals he's great on.

When it comes to
paying off, nothing.

Out! Out! 98, 99, 100.

Well, that does it.

Sarge, what time are
you gonna meet Joan?

In a few minutes, she and Nancy

are catching the
8:15 train to Chicago.

Oh what a night for a
date, the moon is out,

the stars are out and
there's no poker game.

Come on Doberman, hurry up.



- Come on.
- 98, 99, 100.

Look, the counting is for
the hair, not for the coat.

Good boy.

Can I spray you with
some perfume, Sarge?

Yeah, just a little
dash, right here.

Hold it, hold it, not too much.

I want the poor girl to be
able to get on that train.

- Well, how do I look?
- Positively devastating.

Don't tell me no man
is a hero to his valet.

Say Sarge, can I
spray a little on myself?

Sure, it's great. Right
after you shower.

Forget it.

Hey Bilko, I've gotta
a question to ask you.

Question, I'm in
a hurry, what is it?

All right, whose
picture is on $100 bill?

Zsa Zsa Gabor, $100
bills he brings with me.

He's wrong, it's
Benjamin Franklin

and boy does he look handsome.

Where, where did you get that?

Wh, wh, why did you
ask Rupert buddy boy?

Well I was over a crap
game in the Mess Hall

see and I won $215.

- I...
- Take, take it easy.

You're jostling Benjamin.
Isn't that beautiful?

Well, I'm, I'm hot,
I'm hot now Bilko

and I'm ready to
take on anybody.

- Anybody?
- Especially you.

- Me?
- Yes.

- I accept the challenge.
- Sarge, what about Joan?

- Joan?
- Joan Hogan, don't you remember.

She's going on a leave
for Chicago tonight.

Well, the game is
over at my house.

My wife is out of town.

I'm hot Bilko; don't keep
me and Benjamin waiting.

I'll be there in 5 minutes.
Don't start without me.

Do you like this for timing?

Here's Ritzik, dying to be
taken and I got a date with Joan.

Well, then what
are you gonna do?

Well, I can only
do the decent thing.

Here, you say goodbye
to Joan for me, all right.

Sarge, she'll never
speak to you again.

You're right, well, I'll
make the goodbye real fast.

It'll be goodbye Joan
and hello Benjamin.

See ya.

Joan! Joan! Joan! Parting
is such sweet sorrow.

I'll miss you dear. Hurry back.

- Wait a minute.
- Don't make it harder for me.

I die each time we say goodbye.

- Goodbye dear.
- Ernie, I still have an hour.

I thought we'd
have a cup of coffee.

No, why prolong
the inevitable dear.

It's better this way,
sayonara. Goodbye.

What's the matter with you?
I'll only be gone for 2 weeks.

2 weeks? To me
that's an eternity.

I'll miss you. Goodbye.

- You don't have another date?
- Another date?

I give you my solemn
word of honour.

- Or a poker game?
- I give you... Poker?

Why would I play that?

Wait till I put this inside
then we'll have coffee.

No, it's better to just turn
away and say goodbye dear.

Ernie, it will only take a
minute, now you wait right here.

All right, all right.
Oo hoo women!

Sarge, Sarge, did
you say goodbye yet?

8 times, not one of them took.

Well, you better hurry up.

Ritzik already lost 20 bucks.

- I'm trying. I'm trying!
- Well try harder!

I have never seen Ritzik with
a worse case of gambling fever.

- You would...
- What, what, Rupert?

Rupert has a fever? I have
to rush there right away.

What's the matter?

Poor Rupert, it's a
recurrence of that malaria

he got in Guadalcanal.

- Is it bad?
- Oh, it's pretty bad.

I hope I'm not too late.

Oh, poor Ritzik, and
his wife is out of town.

Let me go with you.

No, no, no it'll be all right.

I'll take care of it dear.
Have a good time in Chicago.

Hold on Benja.., er
Rupert I'm coming.

Oh Ernie, Ernie!
How do you do it?

Lucky in love, lucky in cards!

- What more do I need?
- A muzzle!

All right, all right Ernie,
come on, whadda you do?

Well, I'm just gonna see
that $2 and I'm gonna raise $2.

I see ya for the $2. All
right what have you got?

- 4 jacks.
- Hmm, just nipped me, I got 2 pair.

Hey is that somebody coming?

See who that is, Roc?

Sarge, Joanie's comin'.

Joan, what's she doing here?

Hey, deal me out. I'll
head her off outside.

Joan, what are you doin' here?

Well, I thought maybe a
little hot soup might help.

- How's he doin'?
- Oh, not too good.

Oh, can I see him?

No, no, his cold
may be contagious.

- I thought he had a fever.
- Yes, but I cooled him off.

Hey Bilko, I'm getting
hot again. Ha, ha...

- It's been like that all day.
- Oh, poor...

First the fever and
then the delirium.

Poor boy, well listen,
you call me in Chicago

and let me know how he's doin'.

I sure will. You
go on to Chicago.

Have a good time,
dear. Yes darling.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Hey Bilko, look. I got a flush.

- Flush? No wonder you have
a flush, you got a 104 degrees..

Now get back to bed
before you get pneumonia.

Quickly! Er what were we saying?

We were saying
goodbye... forever.

Oh no, no honey let me explain.

Never mind, Ernie.
We are through.

I'm sick and tired of playing
second fiddle to a deck of cards.

Look, Joanie, listen to me.

I've listened to
you for 3 years.

Now you listen to me, Ernie
Bilko, you know what you are?

You're a phony.

You're a fast-talking
big mouthed,

selfish, unfeeling,
four-flushing phony.

- Goodbye!
- Joan, wait...

Oh get out of the way!

You oughta marry that
girl. She understands you.

Shut you, you got me in
enough trouble already.

Well come on Bilko,
are you gonna play?

Am I gonna play?

Haven't you got
any feelings at all?

The girl I love just catches
me in a miserable lie

and all you can say is,
"Are you gonna play?"

Well, are you?

Of course! Who deals?

- Boy that makes me furious!
- What?

- Bilko, what else?
- Forget it Joan.

You know, you're right.

You know, I'm making a
big thing out of nothing.

All he did was tell me a little
white lie so he could play poker.

- Yeah.
- What do you mean yeah?

Maybe it doesn't bother
you but it bothers me.

- That heel!
- It's your own fault, honey.

You're too easy on him.

That's why he takes
you for granted.

I know.

Here I am eating my heart out

and he's probably back at
Fort Baxter happy as a lark.

Well, I'm gonna get some coffee.

- How about you?
- No thanks.

Look do you mind terribly
if I sit here for a minute?

- It's taken.
- I just want it for a few moments.

Oh look Mister I know what
you're trying but it's not gonna...

Please there's
nothing of the sort.

I'm trying to avoid
a photographer.

Oh sure, well, at least
that's a new approach.

- Look, Miss...
- He must have come through here.

- Yeah.
- Cut it out!

- There he is, get it!
- Now really Miss I...

- I got it!
- Out of my way!

What's your name, Sergeant?

- What's all this about?
- Suppose you tell me.

You were the one who was playing
footsie with Randy Vandermeer.

Randy Vandermeer?

Oh, come on now,
don't play dumb.

You love him for
himself or his millions?

Now, wait a
minute, I just saw...

Boy, what a caption, "Randy
Vandermeer to marry WAC,

Blueblood's Eighth Wife."
Come on what's your name?

Don't give it to him, honey.

You don't want your
name linked with that wolf.

You're right.

What would everybody
back at Fort Baxter think?

- What would Ernie think?
- That's right.

- What would Ernie think?
- Yeah.

My name is Joan Hogan,

H O G A N.

That's right.

Now write there, "Dear Joan,
haven't heard from you in 3 days.

What gives? Long time no hear."

No, wait a minute,
that's no good.

- What's the matter, Sarge?
- Too mushy.

Sarge, that's mushy?

I get more sentimental letters
from the finance company.

Don't tell me how I feel,

you're talking to the
old master please.

- But whadda ya mean, Sarge?
- Why should I write her first?

Let her write me first.

Let her worry if
she's got me hooked.

You know what I mean?

Play it cool, you don't catch
Ernie Bilko carrying a torch pal.

Play it cool, always cool!
That's the way you operate.

Hey Ernie, Joan's picture
is in the Chicago News.

- Joan?
- Yeah.

- My Joan?
- Well, I don't know about that.

You better take a look.

"Randy Vandermeer,
millionaire sportsman..."

I love that, right away
they're a sportsman.

He's got a couple of racing
cars, a few polo ponies

and a yacht, that
makes him a sportsman?

Gee, Randy Vandermeer,
he has zillions.

How do you like that Joan?

I never figured her to be
this cold and calculating, huh.

Do you know people? Let
this be a lesson to you men.

3 years I've given this
girl my undivided devotion.

This! This is the
way she repays me.

Sarge, remember what
you said, always play it cool!

- Be cool...
- Aah shut up!

I can't let her marry
this whacked up playboy.

He's been married 7 times.

Gee, he's married more
dames than I've kissed.

I gotta stop this
man. He'll ruin her life.

But Ernie, how're you gonna
compete with a millionaire playboy?

How, by appealing
to her finest instincts,

to her warm-heartedness,
to her sympathetic nature.

- Yeah, but how?
- How?

By pulling one of the
rottenest tricks I ever pulled.

- That's how.
- But Ernie...

Oh shut up, I can't
let her marry this guy

and let him ruin her life!

I've been going
with her 3 years.

If anybody's gonna ruin
her life, it's gonna be me.

Come on!

I wonder why you
haven't heard from Bilko.

- Don't worry, I will.
- What makes you so sure?

I know Bilko.

Look, the picture appeared
in the paper on Tuesday.

It got to Fort
Baxter on Thursday.

The next train out of Roseville
was 10:00 o'clock last night,

which should get
them into Chicago

around 9:00
o'clock this morning.

Now let's say it
takes them 15 minutes

to get from the
station to the hotel

which means that we
should be hearing from them

right about... now.

Next thing you know
you'll be playing poker.

Hello? Cpl. Henshaw's
on his way up?

Good! I wonder what
the master plan is.

Don't worry, we'll
know soon enough.

If he came all the way to
Chicago, it's got to be a beaut!

Come in.

Oh, Joan! Nancy!
Have you seen him?

Seen who? Poor Ernie!

What happened to poor Ernie?

Well, ever since he saw
your picture in the paper

with Randy Vandermeer,
he went to pieces.

- No!
- He started drinking heavily.

- Then he went AWOL.
- He didn't!

We thought he might have
followed you to Chicago,

so the Colonel detailed
us to pick him up.

I wonder where he could be?

Well, if you run into him,
or he tries to contact you,

please let us know.

- Yes, I will.
- Thank you.

- Yes, I will.
- Hensh, I found him!

Where? Where?

A cheap flophouse,
just off the loop.

A cheap flophouse, my Ernie?

- How is he?
- Oh, he, he's not good Joanie.

He, he's not good.

He keeps repeating the same
2 names over and over again.

- Who?
- Joan Hogan and I.W. Harper.

I never thought Ernie
would end up this way.

- Nancy.
- There. There.

Joanie! Joanie!
You've gotta go to him.

He needs you Joan. He
needs your warm heartedness.

Yes, and, and your
sympathetic nature.

Here's the address. We'll
tell him you're coming?

- He'll be weak, but happy.
- Please come.

He needs you.

Tell him, I'll be there.

Bless you Joan.

Didn't I tell you it was
gonna be a beaut?

Yeah, you drove him to drink.

Oh, Nancy I'll see you later.

This is one performance
I don't wanna miss.

What are you gonna tell him?

Well, if a picture of me with
another man drove him to drink,

who knows what a wedding
announcement would do?

She really believed it?

Ask Hensh, she practically
had tears in her eyes.

Did I tell you, leave
it to the old Sarge?

Play on their sympathies.
They're putty in m...

watch the window her cab
will be pulling up any minute.

Gee, I gotta hand
it to you Ernie.

Are you kidding? This
is just the beginning.

Wait till you see my
big dramatic scene.

When I get through
with Miss Hogan,

she's gonna drop this guy
so fast so she can spend

the rest of her life
nursing me back to health.

Hey Sarge, Sarge,
there's a cab pulling up.

I gotta get ready.

Hensh, how's this look
for a brokenhearted bum?

- Phony, Ernie.
- Right, I want realism.

- Give me the whiskey bottle.
- Right.

- Fill it with tea?
- Yep.

Good, now look... that's
her, give me 5 seconds.

How is he?

Here, see for yourself.

Boy that's good scotch.

How can they put that
out for 40 cents a quarter?

Come on Sarge!

Sarge! Sarge!

Yeah, you don't
outsmart your old Sarge.

- Would you come on, Sarge?
- You wanna fight me?

- What do you wanna do?
- You wanna fight?

Hello Ernie?

Hello Ernie? Hello Ernie?

- Oh Ernie.
- Who's that? Who's that?

I spent 50 cents for this room.

I demand privacy.

Sarge! Sarge!

- What?
- It, it's Joan.

Joan? Joan here?

I gotta fix myself up. I
gotta look nice for Joanie.

Joan, why did you come?

- No, no Sarge, Sarge.
- What?

She's, she's, she's here Sarge.

- Ernie.
- Joanie?

- Ernie.
- That you Joanie?

Yes darling. I hate
to see you this way.

Why? You, you don't
come here Joan go!

Go before I drag
you down with me.

I'm not good for you, Joanie.

I can't leave you
like this, Ernie.

Don't worry about
me, Joanie. I'm okay.

I still got a dollar
and a half left.

Leave them! Leave
them for the sweeper.

You know why, because
Ernie Bilko's a big sport.

That's what I am, a big sport.

- Oh, Ernie.
- Take me out of here.

I'm not good for you Joanie.

Go away before I
drag you down with me.

- Goodbye, Ernie.
- Wait.

I want you to
know I'm not bitter.

I wish you an any happiness
and don't think of me

when you're there on that
Riviera sunning yourself

and I'm here in
Skid Row freezing...

Oh Ernie...

No, no because I
want you to know,

all I'm thinking about
is your happiness.

Should old
acquaintance be forg...

Ernie, I've got
something to tell you.

Yeah, what?

Randy has asked me to
marry him and I've accepted.

- You have accepted?
- Yes.

All my lifelong I've wanted
to belong to real society.

To have wealth and prestige
and at last I've met a man

who can make my
dreams come true.

- It's getting dark in here.
- Oh it is?

I have a dinner date with
Randy at his apartment.

Goodbye Ernie.

Oh, before you go, I want you
to know... I want you to know,

I'm a big jerk who finally
outsmarted himself.

Sarge, you practically
pushed them together.

Yeah and in his apartment
with candle light suppers.

You know what that means?

I know what it means!
I know what it means!

It means I gotta go up
to Randy's apartment

and break this thing
up once and for all.

- That's the spirit, Ernie!
- I've got to!

- Give me a drink.
- Right, Sarge.

- I needed that.
- Sarge that was tea!

What are you giving
me tea for? Come on!

Aa ha ha..where's that album?

Ah, here we are, "Music
For Midnight Madness."

Who can that be?

Sabrina?

Why you low down,
two-timing wolf.

Oh Sabrina, please
we decided it was over.

We wouldn't see
each other anymore.

You decided it was over.

I'm still madly in love
with you, you dirty rat!

Oh Sabrina, let's not
make it more difficult.

Don't make me
have you thrown out!

But Randy, you
promised to marry me.

Yeah but Sabrina, feelings
change, people grow apart.

- Since yesterday?
- You, you really have to go.

I've an important
business conference.

Sure, soft lights, champagne,
music, who are you expecting,

John Foster Dulles?

No, really you
have to go, please.

Oh really, listen, I'll, I'll
make it up to you somehow.

I'll send you a
check for $5,000.

- Do you know my new address?
- Yes, now will you go please?

Oh, just in time, darling...

Don't try to soft soap
me, Vandermeer.

- Where is she?
- Who?

Who, that Southern blossom

that you're tryin' to
trample, that's who!

Southern blossom,
huh? She just left.

A likely story.
Darling come out.

I've saved you in the
nick of time, where is she?

Darling, don't be ashamed!

Who are you? What do you want?

What do I want?

I want young innocent girls
spared from the likes of you.

That's what I want.
Darling, I'm here, tell...

Uh huh, candlelight,
champagne, Mumm's 1901, huh?

You coward! Don't you
do anything on your own?

Darling, it's all right.

Music For Midnight
Madness by Lawrence Welk.

You want Lawrence Welk, do you?

Well, you'll not get
away with it, Sir.

1, 2... there's your
Lawrence Welk.

- Come on sweetheart.
- I'll call the police!

Police? You'll call the police?

You're the last one
should say police.

Come out Joan!
Joan it's me, Ernie.

Joan? Joan? Who's Joan?

I don't know any Joan?
Don't know any Joan, huh?

Let me refresh your memory.

That's who's Joan,
Joan Hogan, right there.

Ah, believe me, I don't
even know this girl.

I, I was trying to
duck a photographer.

She just happened to be
there when the picture was shot.

I've never even seen her again.

- You're kidding.
- No.

- You've never seen her again?
- No.

You didn't invite
her here for dinner?

No, no.

I'm, I'm waiting for a beautiful
redhead named Dorothea.

- Look, will you please leave?
- Wait a minute.

Look, look just level with me.

- You never saw here again.
- No.

And she's not coming
here for dinner?

- That's right.
- How do you like that monkey...

She tried to fool me,
tried to make me jealous.

Well, she's not
gonna get away with...

will you forgive
me for burstin'?

- Yeah - You understand.

- Randy! Randy!
- Now what Sabrina?

How are you gonna
send me a cheque

when you don't even
know my last name?

I know it, I know it!
Will you please go?

- Who is it?
- It's me darling, Dorothea!

Look, get her out of
here, will you please?

But Randy honey, you
promised me a cheque...

Sshh! Keep your voice down!

Did you promise to
send her a cheque?

- Yes, yes.
- Are you gonna send it?

I'll send it.

What are you lousing
up a man's evening?

- He's gonna send you.
- I'll take care of it.

- You will?
- Yeah.

- Oh you're cute.
- Yes.

Oh Nancy, you should've
seen Ernie in that flophouse.

"Your happiness
is all I care about."

I had all to to do

to keep from laughing
right in his face.

Whadda you think his
next move is gonna be?

Oh, he's got no way out.

He has to come to me on bended
knee and beg for another chance.

Are you gonna take him back?

Oh sure, but first I'm
gonna have him crawl a little.

Good! Good! Step on
his fingers once for me.

- Ah, about that time?
- I better get going.

Come in Ernie.

Joan, may I see you a
moment. It's terribly personal.

What do you want to
see me about, Ernie?

Well, I really don't
know where to begin.

Well, just start anywhere.

But first let me say
Joan, there'll never be

another girl like you
in the world for me.

And although you're
lost to me forever,

you'll never be gone in here.

Aw, that's nice. Go on.

And I wanna wish you
Randy every bit of happiness.

You love him very
much, don't you?

Yes, I, I've never
met anyone like him.

- I'm sure.
- Ernie, you must try to forget me.

Forget you, never.
But try I must.

That's good thinking.

Eventually someday
you'll meet somebody new.

Oh, I already have.

- What?
- Oh yes, somebody very sweet,

warm and understanding.

You have no idea what
a comfort she is to me.

Oh she is, is she?

Yes, I want you to
meet her, Sabrina honey,

would you come in
here a minute, dear?

Oh Ernie, honey, I've been
waiting out there for 5 minutes.

- Yeah, I want you...
- I love you so much.

No, not now honey,
I want you to meet...

honey, please don't,
no that'll come later.

Honey, you're getting
my face all chapped.

I don't know what got into
her. She's usually so reserved.

- Yeah, I'll bet.
- Honey, you must stop.

I'll try to calm her
down, temporarily.

Honey, look... would
you hold this a minute,

sometimes my glasses steam up.

- That usually does it.
- Oh honey, thanks a lot.

- I needed that.
- Oh you little devil.

- Sabrina, I want you to meet...
- How do you do Ma'am?

I want you to know I'm
just crazy about your son.

My son? That does it!

Get out of here this
minute! Go on now!

You shouldn't get too
excited at your age.

- It's not good for you.
- Get out! Out!

Honey, you run downstairs.
I'll be down in 5 minutes.

- One more.
- You little devil.

Goodbye honey.

How could you do this to me?

Take up with another woman
the minute my back is turned.

Well, look honey, it shouldn't
mean anything to you.

You're engaged to Randy.

- I am not, I never even met him.
- You didn't?

No, I made the whole thing
up just to make you jealous.

Well, Joanie, if it's
any comfort to you,

I used Sabrina for
the very same reason.

Ernie, what a trick to pull on
me just when I had you crawling.

- You get out of here!
- How about dinner tonight?

I'll be ready in an hour!
You get out of here!

How did it go? Did
you make him crawl?

Oh shut up and stop
being such a nosy body.

Hmm, it's wonderful wine, Ernie.

Wonderful girl, and
a wonderful night.

Aw, now isn't this better than
making each other miserable?

It certainly is.
That's a good boy.

Oh, I must have been out of my
mind to doubt you for a minute,

to think that you would
throw yourself away

on that worthless playboy.

Especially one I hardly met.

What are you looking for dear?

Cigarettes darling,
do you have any?

- No, but I'll get some.
- Good.

- TTFN - What does that mean?

- Ta-ta For Now.
- Hurry back.

- Oh hello, there.
- I beg your pardon?

Remember me, Randy
Vandermeer, the man on the train.

Oh yes.

I never did get to thank
you for being so kind.

Hi, Sarge.

Hey Roc, Hensh, you're
due into town already?

- Hiya, Nancy.
- Hi Ernie.

How's it going with your Joan?

Ah fine, I should have
my head examined

for ever doubting
a girl like Joan.

Me thinking that she
could go for a stuffed shirt

like this Randy Vandermeer.

Believe me I don't
deserve a girl like that.

Sarge, Sarge, look.

Well, thanks again.

It was delightful
seeing you again.

Nice to see you... oh!!

Excuse me.

Did you get the cigarettes?

No, all right where is he?

- Who?
- Who?

Your hand is still wet from
his kisses, you're saying who?

Oh Randy, he just
dropped by to say hello.

This is the first time I've
seen him since the train.

- Oh, just accidently dropped by.
- Uh huh.

You expect me to believe that?

Oh, oh Ernie, Ernie, Ernie
darling, it's you sweetheart.

It isn't Randy. It's you.

I'm sorry. You know
what's wrong with you?

- What darling?
- You're just too sweet.

- Miss Hogan.
- Yes.

Compliments of Randy Vandermeer.

Oh good, that did it a man
meets you on the train once

he sends you a bottle of
champagne, Mumm's 1901.

Does that sound familiar?
Why don't you tell me...

Are you starting again?

I told you I did Randy
a favour on the train

and this is his way
of saying thanks.

How do you expect
me to believe that?

You think I was born yesterday?
Why don't you tell the truth?

Miss Hogan, compliments
of Mr. Vandermeer.

All right, that did
it. All right fess up.

From the train you went
right to his apartment, huh?

- Oh Ernie!
- What name d'you use, Dorothea?

- Is that your other name?
- Ernie!

You expect me to believe...

Oh darling... listen,
listen sweetheart,

come on and dance with me.

They're playing the theme
from my favorite album.

Your favorite
album, what's that?

Uh huh, Music For
midnight Madness.

That did it! Don't touch me!

Ernie Everybody is listening!

Let them listen. Now,
I want them all to hear.

All right don't spare my
feelings. Tell me the truth.

Admit that you're
madly in love with him.

- I madly in love with him?
- Ah, you admitted it.

In her own words, you heard her.

What are you doing
here? Is this your station?

Go wait on people!
Get out of here!

This is ridiculous!
I'm going home!

Go home! Go!

I'll get Randy to take you home.

Randy wherever
you are, come get her.

- She's yours.
- Now, you listen to me!

This is the last time
I'm gonna speak to you.

- We are through!
- Did somebody call me?

Oh you're just in
time. Here take her!

Take her you, you,
you philanderer you!

Look, here Sergeant...

Oh lifting your hand, you
wanna get physical, huh?

It's all right with me we'll
have a go at it, Roc, Henshaw!

- Yeah Sarge.
- Hold me!

You're lucky they
got here just in time.

- Randy, would you take me home?
- I'd be glad to.

Take her! Who needs her?

Who wants a girl with a temper?

- The cheque, Sir!
- Why, didn't he pick it up?

- Who, Sir?
- Mr. Vandermeer.

We're very close friends.

Here's the list of WAC
replacements, Joan.

- Thanks.
- Have you seen Ernie?

Seen him, yes, talked
to him, never again.

Can't say that I blame you.

Come on honey,
it's time for lunch.

Wait a minute. I'll be
through here in a second.

Oh, oh, don't look
now but here he comes.

- Hello, Nancy.
- Hiya, Bilko.

Would you please tell Sgt.
Hogan that here are the duty rosters

and where are the spare
parts I requisitioned?

Sgt. Bilko...

Would you please tell Sgt.
Bilko that he'll be notified

as soon as the shipment arrives?

Sgt. Hogan says
you'll be notified

as soon as the shipment arrives.

Tell Sgt. Hogan that
Sgt. Bilko says thank you.

Sgt. Bilko...

Would you tell Sgt. Bilko that
Sgt. Hogan says he's welcome?

Sgt. Hogan says you're welcome.

- Shall I wait for an answer?
- No.

Good, because my
neck's getting tired.

Please tell Sgt. Hogan,
Sgt. Bilko says goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Oh no don't try to make up please.

Nancy, would you
please tell Sgt. Bilko

that I wouldn't make up with him

if he was the last
man at Fort Baxter.

Sgt. Hogan says she
wouldn't... oh come on.

Why don't you 2 make up
so you can have a good fight

without an interpreter?

Sgt. Hogan, may I
introduce you to Sgt. Bilko.

- How do you do?
- How are you?

Well, I've got to
go now Sgt. Hogan.

Of course Sgt. Bilko.

- Joan.
- Oh, Ernie!

- Peace!
- Will you ever forgive me?

How could I think
you'd go for a crazy nut

like Randy Vandermeer?

Oh darling, I was
suspicious too.

I'm suspicious of you and
that, that empty-headed blonde.

I don't even remember her name.

- Oh darling.
- Ernie!

- Honey Chile!
- Sabrina!

- What are you doing here?
- I enlisted.

- Enlisted?
- Why?

Oh honey, when you
kissed me the other day,

I felt downright
patriotic. Do me again!

You keep your hands off him.

He's mine! He's mine!

Keep your hands off him!

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Elisabeth Fraser as Joan Hogan.

Richard Derr as Randy.

Betty Benet as Sabrina.

Jane Dulo as Nancy.

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

and special guest star,
Sammy Cahn as the waiter.

Ernie, I've got
something to tell you.