The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 27 - The Mess Hall Mess - full transcript
There's a contest for the best original American recipe & a $50,000 prize. Bilko uses a French chef's secret casserole recipe and enters it in the contest. But the so-called secret recipe was actually in the Army cookbook all along.
A dash of paprika,
that's enough.
Ketchup. Oh, oh, just a smidgen,
just enough to caress the meat.
- Sgt. Ritzik.
- Yes, Sir.
The men are waiting for
their dinner, why isn't it ready?
- Oh, it's ready, Sir.
- Well, serve it.
Yes, Sir. We'll serve it.
Are you sure it's ready?
Well, it looks like it's ready.
Uh, why don't you taste it?
- You taste it.
- Come on, you taste it.
You taste it, you cooked it.
Well, I've been working on it
all day, it's hard for me to tell.
Hey, Dino, come on taste it.
- Not me.
Oh, come on, tonight I
think they're gonna flip.
But Sarge, that's what you
said every night this week
and all week they've
been sending it back.
Hey look, Sarge,
suddenly what's with
this experimenting of yours?
Why don't you go
back to the old menus?
Ok, you haven't
won any gold medals
but at least the
men got it down.
Oh, shut up! I'm
running this kitchen.
I'm gonna cook and you
guys are gonna serve.
Oh, come on,
Dino, you take it in.
I'm sure tonight
they're gonna flip.
If they ask what's it
called, what should I say?
Well, be kind of coy about it.
If they press you,
tell them that it's a
Sgt. Ritzik's surprise.
Sgt. Ritzik's surprise.
Here it comes, oh.
Uh, I'd better put on a clean
apron, I've got a hunch tonight,
the boys are gonna
ask me to take a bow.
That's you, Papparelli?
Did the boys like the food?
It's your fault, you went
crazy with the ketchup.
I didn't do...
Rupert, my platoon is screaming,
what are you
doing with the food?
Oh, never mind,
come on, start serving.
- All right.
- Are you kidding?
Rupert, look, my boys are
going broke eating in town.
Well, wait till tomorrow.
- I'm working on a fricassee.
- What fricassee?
I can't tell you about it. It's
still on the drawing board.
Well, well, so this is
the scene of the crime.
- Good evening Lucrezia Borgia.
- Do you mind?
- Now look, Rupert, enough is enough.
- Do you mind?
I'm prepared to die for my
country, but not in your mess hall!
- Do you mind?
- Do I mind what?
I forgot.
Look, Rupert, you can tell me.
You've got a private
agreement with the Kremlin?
Do you mind?
Here we go again with
the Noel Coward dialogue.
Rupert, what's with this food?
This is gonna look
pretty bad for you
when we're the
only American camp
who gets food
packages from Europe.
You can laugh now.
But I'll have the last
laugh when I get $50,000.
- $50,000?
- That's right.
It's in all the magazines.
It's a $50,000 contest
for the best new
American original recipe.
Who's sponsoring this,
Murder Incorporated?
Wise guy.
Only the biggest food company
in America. Here, read this.
"The Associated Food Corporation's
annual $50,000 contest for..."
Oh, so you've been using
us for guinea pigs, huh?
But Ernie, if I can
only hit the right recipe.
Why don't you knock it off.
Come on, I've got the
jeep parked outside.
We're going to a
restaurant to eat in town.
- Ok.
- We've gotta scientist suddenly.
- Come on!
- No, not me.
A mess sergeant eating
out? Are you kidding?
With all the delicious
food I've got here?
Wait for me, I'm going with you.
Never noticed this place before.
This place looks empty,
the food must be bad here.
Come on, let's go.
- Where? Where?
Where we gonna go?
Thanks to you this is
the only restaurant in town
that isn't jammed. Come on.
Bonsoir, Monsieurs.
You will sit down,
s'il vous plaît?
- I thought so, a Greek joint.
- Sit down and shut up!
You're new to Roseville,
madam, n'est-ce pas?
Oui, monsieur, my husband
and I we are here one week.
Naturellement, you will have
the specialty of the house,
Casserole a la Boudreau.
Oh no, we don't
want anything fancy.
- We just had something fancy.
- Do you mind?
Say, take your hat off, animal.
My friends and I
we're not too hungry.
- We'll just have some hamburgers?
- Hamburgers?
Monsieur, my husband Marcel
does not make hamburgers.
It's just Casserole
a la Boudreau.
- Well.
- It'll take hours to get
into any other joint.
All right, bring us that casserole
whatever the name was.
Oui, Monsieur.
- Trois Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Trois Casserole a la Boudreau
And may I suggest
with the Casseroles,
some Chablis or Burgundy...
or perhaps the Vin Rose?
- Well...
- Well, what do you think?
- Nah, see if they have some wine?
- Jerk, she just told you wine.
Well, why don't they call it an
American name, like Manaschewitz?
You'll have to excuse him,
normally he's very intelligent.
Show the lady how
much is two and two.
Go ahead, paw
with your left foot.
- Do you mind?
- Oh, shut up.
Ah, the casserole, she's ready.
Voila! Bon appetite!
Bending my glasses.
Well, that hit the spot.
- Let's get out here.
- Wait a minute, Ernie, I'm hungry.
Hungry enough to eat this?
It don't look too bad, do
you mind if I go ahead?
Go ahead, eat!
- How is it, Rupert?
- Sounds good.
One of us better stay in
condition to run for the chaplain.
I'll take a chance.
Well, how is it?
How is it?
How is it?
It looks like you've never
eaten anything in your life.
The way you...
- Take another order.
- Stop!
- Ernie, this stuff is great.
- Just a minute, how great?
Think of every great
meal you've ever had
in your life before you answer.
How great?
This is the greatest
dish I ever had in my life!
You're go on record
with that statement.
You, Rupert, what do you think?
- Hey, can I...
You know what this tastes like?
What?
$50,000.
$50,000? $50,000?
That contest, you know, for the
best original American recipe?
- Yeah.
- All right, we'll take
it apart one by one. Is
it the best you ever had?
- Yes.
- Two, is it original?
- Yeah.
- Uh huh.
Three, when we change the
name to Uncle Sam's Stew
made by an Army
Sergeant will it be American?
- We're in!
- Shh!
Ernie, it's a cinch, but how
are you gonna get the recipe?
It'll be child's play.
Show me the chef that
can withstand flattery
from a fellow gourmet.
Shh! Hey, here he comes.
Well, gentlemen,
how did you like it?
What is the matter with him?
What is the matter he asks?
An angle steps down from
heaven, puts on an apron
and makes a casserole
for the gods and he says,
what is the matter? Maestro!
You really liked my
Casserole a la Boudreau?
Like it! Like it he
asks me, do I like it.
All my life I've eaten in the
finest restaurants in the world,
I thought I was eating.
But until now, I was
grazing like an animal.
- Oh, monsieur! Oh, monsieur!
- Write down whatever he says.
At last I found an
American who appreciates
my Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Appreciated?
Show me you are human
and not a gastronomical angel.
Show me you are human,
show me the recipe!
Monsieur, this is the
happiest moment of my life!
- I know, write every word.
- Now, about the recipe.
- Yes, yes.
- That I cannot give you.
- Write I cannot... you cannot give me?
- I am sorry.
Sorry? Sorry? You're sorry?
You let me taste the
nectar of the gods,
now you want me to wonder
through life wondering,
wondering what was
in it? What was in it?
Oh, monsieur,
take my restaurant,
take my wife, but I
cannot give you the recipe.
Oh please, Monsieur, understand.
The recipe is a family
secret handed down
from generation to generation.
So, this is the way it must end.
What must end?
The spirit of friendship
between America and Europe.
Monsieur, take my life.
I don't want your
life, I want the recipe.
I'm sorry, it is impossible.
All right, ok. Shows
you we were greedy.
- Yeah.
- We were.
I'm gonna level
with you, Marcel.
That recipe is worth
$25,000 to you.
Not even a million, even
if my family was starving.
Even for $1 million I would not
betray the secret of my family.
You must be crazy.
Well maybe, monsieur, maybe
for generations we have been crazy.
But the recipe remains a secret.
Say, Ernie, how
do you spell secret?
All right now, we all
know what to do, right?
Now, the minute we
get into the kitchen
that's when Doberman
comes in and he orders.
What do you order,
Doberman? Repeat.
Sarge, I've said
it a million times.
Repeat, what do you order?
- Casserole a la Boudreau, ok?
- Fine.
Now, the minute he starts
to make it, it's in your hands.
Now look, Rupert, are
you sure you can watch him
and remember every
move he makes?
Oh, don't worry about me,
I've got a photographic mind.
I'm not worried about
your photographic mind.
I'm wondering if there's
film in the camera.
Come on, we gotta go.
You're just a G.I. who
dropped in for a meal.
You don't know anything,
and what do you order?
- Sarge.
- What do you order?
- Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Bon!
Come on, $50,000
are waiting, move.
Military sanitation
inspection. Military sanitation?
- Military sanitation inspection.
- I do not understand, Monsieur.
Oh, just to be a formality, since
you do have American soldiers
eating here, we must
be careful of cleanliness.
Your hands, please.
Oh, what a coincidence,
there's an American soldier now.
Bonsoir, Monsieur,
what would it be?
- Ham and eggs!
- Ham and eggs!
Write it, hold, hold
it, just a minute.
I think that man is a...
- Do you have a pass?
- Yeah, Ernie.
Pvt. Doberman, are
you out on orders?
- Yes, Sir.
- Do you remember your orders?
- Orders?
- Oh, Casserole...
Wait till I'm in there, he's
all right, take his order.
Yes, the kitchen does
look... she's coming.
- Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Casserole a la Boudreau.
Watch his right and
you watch his left
and I'll watch the ingredients.
You've gotta be careful,
sometimes they're French
and they're very...
Is that all there is to it?
Gentlemen, you now know the
secret of Casserole a la Boudreau.
What do you do? Grow it?
- I make it once a week.
- Say, how do you spell week?
Well, gentlemen, how does
my kitchen stand inspection?
Oh, splendid.
You're hear from Duncan
Hines in the morning. Out, out.
Oui, Monsieur.
Don't trust that Doberman with
anything, come on, come on, let's go.
- Come on!
- Sarge, this stuff is delicious.
Come on! Don't, you
can't take... yeah, take it.
Well?
Yeah, it looks
awful under the mic.
Look, we don't care
what it looks like.
We're paying you $5
bucks to analyze what's in it!
- Let me look once more.
- Go ahead.
- Now, do you see anything?
- Hold it.
- Hold it.
- Hold on, I think he's got something.
Yeah, yeah. Let me
check once more.
Be ready to write
down anything he says.
Definitely... What? What?
A carbohydrate and
proteinieous compound
in a semi-solid caloric state.
What does that mean
in plain language?
Gravy.
I pay him 5 bucks
to find out it's gravy.
I could have got that
on Doberman's tie.
Charlie, why don't you taste
it and find out what's in it?
Me? Urgh! Please.
You got the wrong guy.
Down at the Mess
Hall we call him the bird.
Please, I just can't stand food.
He comes in once a
week into the Mess Hall,
he eats 4 cornflakes and
he collapses from indigestion.
Why, don't you eat, then
you can tell what's in it?
Don't you guys start.
For 15 years it was my
mother, eat Charlie, eat.
I got into the Army, the
medics, soldier, you gotta eat.
Look, get that
stuff out of here.
Well, what are you gonna
do with a mental case, huh?
Maybe we shouldn't have
bothered with it in the first place.
You may be right.
Just because we like it, doesn't
mean everybody else likes it.
You know, we may have
developed Ritzik's mouth,
you know, no taste buds.
Oh, oh, the bird is eating.
What?
- Charlie, you like it?
- Like it?
That's the most delicious...
Look, where can I get some
more? You gotta tell me.
Charlie, I'll get you all you
want. Just tell us what's in it.
I'm gonna be fat, I'm
gonna be nice and fat.
All my life, I wanted to be fat.
Look, Charlie, I can
get you all you want,
just tell us what is in it.
Well sure, I can break it
down to the last decimal.
You can write this down.
All I need is one thing.
- What?
- The recipe.
I'm gonna be fat. I
gotta call my mother.
Hey, ma, I'm gonna be fat.
- Ernie, why don't you give up?
- No.
You saw what just happened with
a guy who can't even stand food?
We've got a fortune riding here.
Marcel has got to
give us that recipe.
Fellows, I'm a peace loving
man and I hate to say this, but...
- Yeah.
- We'll have to resort to violence.
- Violence?
- Violence?
Now look, he's
getting ready to close,
you know what to do.
- Yeah.
- I take out the gun, I'll say,
"Stick 'em up, your
money or your life."
- Right.
- Hey, I was supposed to say that?
What difference does it make?
Well, I've been
rehearsing it all night.
All right, give
baby Ritzik the gun.
Now look, you know what to do,
when he comes out
you threaten his life.
I, a passing stranger, save
him from you hoodlums.
He's a French man.
He's emotional, out of
gratitude he gives me the recipe.
Now, wait a minute.
He's putting out the lights.
You know what to do, come on.
Right.
- Stick 'em up!
- Oh what is it you want?
I forgot.
Give me that, stick 'em
up, your money or your life.
- Oh, I was supposed to say that.
- Would you shut up.
All right, frenchie,
give us your money.
Spare me, I'm a poor man.
Then it's your
life, say a prayer.
Oh, don't shoot,
please! Don't shoot!
We will hit the dusty...
Good heavens, what
is this, a hold up?
You stand back or
I'll give it to you too.
What does it mean to me when
a fellow human
being's life is in danger.
Oh, Monsieur, they are killers.
Killers indeed, eh? Did
you ever hear of jiu-jitsu?
Pick up your hat.
Go! Get off, now go!
When a man can...
by George, it's Marcel!
Sergeant, you saved my life!
- Oh forget it.
- How can I ever repay you?
Well, I didn't
do this for profit,
but there's one
thing you can do.
Anything, anything.
The recipe, Casserole
a la Boudreau.
- The recipe?
- The recipe.
- Take my life.
- Come on, Marcel, I don't...
Oh, you saved my life,
now it's yours to take.
Look, all I want is the recipe.
Sgt. Bilko, a
Boudreau dies first!
My father gave it to me,
his father gave it to him
and his father before him.
Yes, supposed those
gangsters were to kill you,
what would happen
to the recipe then, huh?
Ah, my little son, Philippe, he
has the recipe, he would carry on.
Your little son, Philippe?
Oh, your little son knows it?
You got a little son
named Philippe, huh?
Nice little boy? Ah.
Ho, ho, ho!
All right. Quiet,
little kiddies, quiet.
Hey phony, what are you
doing here in the middle of June?
Oh, he's a big boy?
And you've got
present for all of us?
No, little darling,
just for one little boy.
He's a phony.
Look, you're a big boy,
go play with the traffic.
You see, last year when I went
back to the north pole, my wife,
Mrs. Santa Claus reminded
me, because a new boy
just moved into Roseville,
I forgot to give him
presents and she told
me his name, his name is...
- He's a phony.
- This little boy... Uh!
Say, he's good
with that, isn't he?
Yeah.
Yes, I think the little boy's
name was Philippe Boudreau.
That's him, that's Philippe.
- I am Philippe Boudreau.
- Oh, what a fine little lad.
Watch it, frenchie,
he's after something.
Look, son, why don't you...
It's funny, he never
misses, does he?
Oh yes, I have things
for you, I have presents.
Ho, ho, ho.
- Santa?
- Yes.
Just for that, everybody away!
No, not you Philippe,
you, I must talk to you.
I have for you many
presents, let me see.
Ah, you've been a good
boy, here's a little too taa.
And look what I have for you,
it makes you a real American.
Hey, you like that Philippe?
Wait, I have many other
presents, look at this.
A saxophone, I
have for you a pistol.
Oh, look at this, for
you. What do you say?
Oh, Monsieur Santa
Claus, never in my life
have I had so many presents,
I've never been so happy.
How can I thank you?
How can you thank me?
He wants to know
how he can thank me.
- Mr. Kringle?
- Yeah?
Uh! Lend me the gun,
I'll give him one little shot.
Oh, but you are good, because
you want to give me something
and I don't want
anything, but you can give
Mrs. Santa Claus
something, anything.
But I have nothing to give her.
- Oh, you have love in your heart?
- Oui.
You have a little boy's
faith in Santa Claus.
- Oui.
- You have the recipe?
- The recipe?
- Yeah Casserole a la Boudreau?
Take my life.
Keep them.
There must be a way
of getting that recipe.
If you don't get it
by tonight, forget it.
Look, the contest will be over.
It says all entries
must be postmarked
not later than midnight tonight.
How can a guy be so stubborn?
He's gonna go broke in this town
trying to run a
French restaurant.
I'm offering him $25,000.
Forget it, Ernie, he won't give
you the recipe, it's a secret.
Yeah, if you...
Wait a minute, suppose
this famous recipe of his
just turns out to be a
common American Army dish.
How are you gonna
make him believe that?
He'll see for himself,
when on a tour of the post
he sees right on
that stove there,
a whole potful of
Casserole a la Boudreau,
enough to feed
an entire regiment.
A potful? Who's gonna make it?
The only man who can, Marcel,
only he won't know he's doing it.
I've got to make a
reservation for the party tonight.
Oh, we're giving a party?
What's the occasion?
A party for 20? Tonight? And
they all want the casserole?
A celebration? For who?
Oh, he was? Sgt. Bilko,
we will do our part, au revoir.
- Marcel, a party for 20?
- Oui, oui.
- What is it, Marcel?
- It is a great occasion for them.
They are celebrating
Rocky Graziano's birthday.
Who is this Rocky Graziano?
How could you be so stupid?
- He was their 23rd president.
- Oh.
Gentlemen, we're gathered here
to honor the birthday of a great man.
President Graziano will
not only be remembered
for opening the Panama Canal.
- Sergeant.
- Yes.
I have served
everyone. You can eat.
Oh, swell. Now, gentlemen, we
will take the oath, the oath that...
Please, this is private,
for citizens only.
Oh, apologies.
They're gone.
Get 'em. Get Grover and Ritzik.
Ok, boys, sing loud
and cover the noise.
Hail to president Graziano.
Hails in peace and war.
Fought his way up
to the White House.
Born in a candy store.
Graziano, Graziano,
your memory we hail.
You would still
be with us, Rocky.
If it wasn't for Tony Zale.
Casserole a la Boudreau.
Hey, maybe if I add a little...
Hold it, you heard
what Bilko said.
You make one move with that
paprika, I got orders to shoot.
Right this way folks, here
we have Company B kitchen,
Sgt. Ritzik in charge, do
you remember the folks?
Mr. and Mrs. Boudreau.
Tell us, Sgt. Ritzik, what
lunch are you cooking up
for the boys today?
Oh, nothing much, I just
slapped together something
out of the Army cookbook.
Oh, the good old Army cookbook.
Oh, this must seem
primitive to an artist like you,
the way we live
must be revolting, eh?
Oh say, here, take a taste.
Oh no, you wouldn't
want to taste it?
Oh no, let me taste it.
All right, this is
rather a joke to him,
for him to taste Army cooking.
It's out of the book,
you understand.
Wait, mama, taste this!
Taste it? Oh, did you like it?
It's rather quant
I imagine to you.
This is it, but exactly,
Casserole a la Boudreau.
My Casserole and for generations
I thought it was
a family secret.
Oh no, there must be some
mistake. It came out of here.
Oh no, no. This is it, exactly.
But you see, he just cooks
out of the Army cookbook.
- Let's see what he cooked today.
- Let me see.
- Oh, I almost forgot.
- What is wrong?
Well, you can see
here for yourself here,
it says War Department
Technical Manual.
It's a cookbook, we
cannot show that to civilians.
But I want to know if I
have the same recipe.
Oh, I don't know
what to do to help you.
But I tell you what, why
don't you tell me your recipe,
and I'll see if it coincides with
what's written here in the book.
Fine. Right ahead.
- Taking equal portions.
- Taking equal portions.
- Of beef.
- Of beef.
- Lamb.
- Lamb.
- And rabbit.
- And rabbit.
- Braise slowly.
- Braise slowly.
- For 1 hour.
- For 1 hour.
And finally, I put
the pencil here
you see, it's exactly
the words, word for word.
Oh, no. And does it
say in a saucepan sauté.
- In a saucepan sauté.
- A mixture.
Is that sauté with
a dash over the E?
- Yes.
- Sauté a mixture.
Mixture.
- Of butter.
- Of butter.
- A garlic.
- Garlic.
Crushed fraises des bois.
- Crushed fraises des bois.
- And bay beans.
- And... bay beans.
And bay beans.
Why, it's uncanny, word for...
oh, I wish I could show you this,
they won't let us.
And does it also say
about egg whites?
No, but it will. I mean,
what about egg whites?
Don't feel bad, Marcel, it
could happen to anybody.
Oh, for centuries
my family guarded it
and now it's in an
Army cookbook.
- C'est la guerre.
- Come, Marcel.
Yes, I must break
it gently to Philippe.
- Au revoir.
- Au revoir.
Come back any time.
Come on quick, we've
got to work real fast,
remember, neatness counts.
Right, I've got the
letter here. Here it is.
Start it off by saying
that, I Rupert Ritzik.
I Rupert Ritzik.
A Sergeant in the
United States Army.
Enclose a recipe
from my original dish
to be called Uncle Sam's stew.
- Uncle Sam's stew.
- Let me see the notes I made.
All right. Taking
equal portions of beef.
Equal portions of beef.
- Lamb and rabbit.
- Lamb and rabbit.
- Braise slowly for 1 hour.
- Braise slowly for 1 hour.
- Am I going to fast?
- No, no I can make it.
In a saucepan, sauté
a mixture of butter,
garlic and crushed
fraises des bois.
- Fraise des what?
- Bois, bois, B O I S.
Ernie, you put a
French name in there,
it's not an American
stew anymore.
Yeah, we gotta
find out what it is.
Well, look at the book, they
got foreign words in the book.
Yeah, look at the index.
Where is the index here?
Index, here it is. Index,
index F, F, fricassee,
farfel, fraises des bois,
that's it, let me see.
Page 483, recipe 390.
Well, look up that
fraises des bois.
Wait a minute, I'll
find it. Here it is.
It's in this Kentucky
Hunter's Stew.
Taking equal portions
of beef, lamb and rabbit,
braise slowly for 1
hour in a saucepan
sauté a mixture
of butter, garlic...
In a saucepan, sauté
a mixture of butter,
garlic and fraises des
bois. Fraises des bois.
Take equal portions of beef,
lamb, rabbit... beef, lamb, rabbit.
How do you like this? This
is exactly the same recipe.
Ernie, you mean it
was in there all the time,
Kentucky Hunter's Stew?
Look at this, this early
original American dish
was created by
Daniel Boone in 1804.
How do you spell
Boone, is it one or 2 O's?
I'm too tired to hit you.
It's 3 zeros, that's what
we're going to wind up with.
Well, there goes our $50,000.
You mean $25,000, we were
gonna give Marcel $25,000.
Poor jerk, not only
did we break his heart,
look at the problem he's got.
He's got to run a French
restaurant in a town like this.
But what are gonna
do? I don't know.
All this work down
the drain. I don't know...
Tell you what we gonna do,
spread the word around this...
it's still a great dish, isn't it?
- Yes.
Spread the word all over the
post, in town, any place you want.
For the best Kentucky
Hunter's Stew,
drop in at the Daniel Boone
room at Marcel's Restaurant.
We'll build them a sign.
Well, how is everything?
Say, how about some more
of that Daniel Boone's Stew.
Coming right up, partner.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Well, Marcel, we're here
for some of that original.
Look, I'm sorry if you
didn't make a reservation.
- Marcel.
- Oh don't Marcel me,
wait outside in
line with the rest.
- Outside?
- Outside.
The minute you're a success
everybody is your friend.
- How do you like that?
- Well, who needs him?
Come with me, I'm
working on a new fricassee.
Do you mind? Do you mind?
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
John Silo as Marcel Boudreau.
Susan Hovey as Mrs. Boudreau
and Sandy Kenyon as Charlie.
that's enough.
Ketchup. Oh, oh, just a smidgen,
just enough to caress the meat.
- Sgt. Ritzik.
- Yes, Sir.
The men are waiting for
their dinner, why isn't it ready?
- Oh, it's ready, Sir.
- Well, serve it.
Yes, Sir. We'll serve it.
Are you sure it's ready?
Well, it looks like it's ready.
Uh, why don't you taste it?
- You taste it.
- Come on, you taste it.
You taste it, you cooked it.
Well, I've been working on it
all day, it's hard for me to tell.
Hey, Dino, come on taste it.
- Not me.
Oh, come on, tonight I
think they're gonna flip.
But Sarge, that's what you
said every night this week
and all week they've
been sending it back.
Hey look, Sarge,
suddenly what's with
this experimenting of yours?
Why don't you go
back to the old menus?
Ok, you haven't
won any gold medals
but at least the
men got it down.
Oh, shut up! I'm
running this kitchen.
I'm gonna cook and you
guys are gonna serve.
Oh, come on,
Dino, you take it in.
I'm sure tonight
they're gonna flip.
If they ask what's it
called, what should I say?
Well, be kind of coy about it.
If they press you,
tell them that it's a
Sgt. Ritzik's surprise.
Sgt. Ritzik's surprise.
Here it comes, oh.
Uh, I'd better put on a clean
apron, I've got a hunch tonight,
the boys are gonna
ask me to take a bow.
That's you, Papparelli?
Did the boys like the food?
It's your fault, you went
crazy with the ketchup.
I didn't do...
Rupert, my platoon is screaming,
what are you
doing with the food?
Oh, never mind,
come on, start serving.
- All right.
- Are you kidding?
Rupert, look, my boys are
going broke eating in town.
Well, wait till tomorrow.
- I'm working on a fricassee.
- What fricassee?
I can't tell you about it. It's
still on the drawing board.
Well, well, so this is
the scene of the crime.
- Good evening Lucrezia Borgia.
- Do you mind?
- Now look, Rupert, enough is enough.
- Do you mind?
I'm prepared to die for my
country, but not in your mess hall!
- Do you mind?
- Do I mind what?
I forgot.
Look, Rupert, you can tell me.
You've got a private
agreement with the Kremlin?
Do you mind?
Here we go again with
the Noel Coward dialogue.
Rupert, what's with this food?
This is gonna look
pretty bad for you
when we're the
only American camp
who gets food
packages from Europe.
You can laugh now.
But I'll have the last
laugh when I get $50,000.
- $50,000?
- That's right.
It's in all the magazines.
It's a $50,000 contest
for the best new
American original recipe.
Who's sponsoring this,
Murder Incorporated?
Wise guy.
Only the biggest food company
in America. Here, read this.
"The Associated Food Corporation's
annual $50,000 contest for..."
Oh, so you've been using
us for guinea pigs, huh?
But Ernie, if I can
only hit the right recipe.
Why don't you knock it off.
Come on, I've got the
jeep parked outside.
We're going to a
restaurant to eat in town.
- Ok.
- We've gotta scientist suddenly.
- Come on!
- No, not me.
A mess sergeant eating
out? Are you kidding?
With all the delicious
food I've got here?
Wait for me, I'm going with you.
Never noticed this place before.
This place looks empty,
the food must be bad here.
Come on, let's go.
- Where? Where?
Where we gonna go?
Thanks to you this is
the only restaurant in town
that isn't jammed. Come on.
Bonsoir, Monsieurs.
You will sit down,
s'il vous plaît?
- I thought so, a Greek joint.
- Sit down and shut up!
You're new to Roseville,
madam, n'est-ce pas?
Oui, monsieur, my husband
and I we are here one week.
Naturellement, you will have
the specialty of the house,
Casserole a la Boudreau.
Oh no, we don't
want anything fancy.
- We just had something fancy.
- Do you mind?
Say, take your hat off, animal.
My friends and I
we're not too hungry.
- We'll just have some hamburgers?
- Hamburgers?
Monsieur, my husband Marcel
does not make hamburgers.
It's just Casserole
a la Boudreau.
- Well.
- It'll take hours to get
into any other joint.
All right, bring us that casserole
whatever the name was.
Oui, Monsieur.
- Trois Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Trois Casserole a la Boudreau
And may I suggest
with the Casseroles,
some Chablis or Burgundy...
or perhaps the Vin Rose?
- Well...
- Well, what do you think?
- Nah, see if they have some wine?
- Jerk, she just told you wine.
Well, why don't they call it an
American name, like Manaschewitz?
You'll have to excuse him,
normally he's very intelligent.
Show the lady how
much is two and two.
Go ahead, paw
with your left foot.
- Do you mind?
- Oh, shut up.
Ah, the casserole, she's ready.
Voila! Bon appetite!
Bending my glasses.
Well, that hit the spot.
- Let's get out here.
- Wait a minute, Ernie, I'm hungry.
Hungry enough to eat this?
It don't look too bad, do
you mind if I go ahead?
Go ahead, eat!
- How is it, Rupert?
- Sounds good.
One of us better stay in
condition to run for the chaplain.
I'll take a chance.
Well, how is it?
How is it?
How is it?
It looks like you've never
eaten anything in your life.
The way you...
- Take another order.
- Stop!
- Ernie, this stuff is great.
- Just a minute, how great?
Think of every great
meal you've ever had
in your life before you answer.
How great?
This is the greatest
dish I ever had in my life!
You're go on record
with that statement.
You, Rupert, what do you think?
- Hey, can I...
You know what this tastes like?
What?
$50,000.
$50,000? $50,000?
That contest, you know, for the
best original American recipe?
- Yeah.
- All right, we'll take
it apart one by one. Is
it the best you ever had?
- Yes.
- Two, is it original?
- Yeah.
- Uh huh.
Three, when we change the
name to Uncle Sam's Stew
made by an Army
Sergeant will it be American?
- We're in!
- Shh!
Ernie, it's a cinch, but how
are you gonna get the recipe?
It'll be child's play.
Show me the chef that
can withstand flattery
from a fellow gourmet.
Shh! Hey, here he comes.
Well, gentlemen,
how did you like it?
What is the matter with him?
What is the matter he asks?
An angle steps down from
heaven, puts on an apron
and makes a casserole
for the gods and he says,
what is the matter? Maestro!
You really liked my
Casserole a la Boudreau?
Like it! Like it he
asks me, do I like it.
All my life I've eaten in the
finest restaurants in the world,
I thought I was eating.
But until now, I was
grazing like an animal.
- Oh, monsieur! Oh, monsieur!
- Write down whatever he says.
At last I found an
American who appreciates
my Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Appreciated?
Show me you are human
and not a gastronomical angel.
Show me you are human,
show me the recipe!
Monsieur, this is the
happiest moment of my life!
- I know, write every word.
- Now, about the recipe.
- Yes, yes.
- That I cannot give you.
- Write I cannot... you cannot give me?
- I am sorry.
Sorry? Sorry? You're sorry?
You let me taste the
nectar of the gods,
now you want me to wonder
through life wondering,
wondering what was
in it? What was in it?
Oh, monsieur,
take my restaurant,
take my wife, but I
cannot give you the recipe.
Oh please, Monsieur, understand.
The recipe is a family
secret handed down
from generation to generation.
So, this is the way it must end.
What must end?
The spirit of friendship
between America and Europe.
Monsieur, take my life.
I don't want your
life, I want the recipe.
I'm sorry, it is impossible.
All right, ok. Shows
you we were greedy.
- Yeah.
- We were.
I'm gonna level
with you, Marcel.
That recipe is worth
$25,000 to you.
Not even a million, even
if my family was starving.
Even for $1 million I would not
betray the secret of my family.
You must be crazy.
Well maybe, monsieur, maybe
for generations we have been crazy.
But the recipe remains a secret.
Say, Ernie, how
do you spell secret?
All right now, we all
know what to do, right?
Now, the minute we
get into the kitchen
that's when Doberman
comes in and he orders.
What do you order,
Doberman? Repeat.
Sarge, I've said
it a million times.
Repeat, what do you order?
- Casserole a la Boudreau, ok?
- Fine.
Now, the minute he starts
to make it, it's in your hands.
Now look, Rupert, are
you sure you can watch him
and remember every
move he makes?
Oh, don't worry about me,
I've got a photographic mind.
I'm not worried about
your photographic mind.
I'm wondering if there's
film in the camera.
Come on, we gotta go.
You're just a G.I. who
dropped in for a meal.
You don't know anything,
and what do you order?
- Sarge.
- What do you order?
- Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Bon!
Come on, $50,000
are waiting, move.
Military sanitation
inspection. Military sanitation?
- Military sanitation inspection.
- I do not understand, Monsieur.
Oh, just to be a formality, since
you do have American soldiers
eating here, we must
be careful of cleanliness.
Your hands, please.
Oh, what a coincidence,
there's an American soldier now.
Bonsoir, Monsieur,
what would it be?
- Ham and eggs!
- Ham and eggs!
Write it, hold, hold
it, just a minute.
I think that man is a...
- Do you have a pass?
- Yeah, Ernie.
Pvt. Doberman, are
you out on orders?
- Yes, Sir.
- Do you remember your orders?
- Orders?
- Oh, Casserole...
Wait till I'm in there, he's
all right, take his order.
Yes, the kitchen does
look... she's coming.
- Casserole a la Boudreau.
- Casserole a la Boudreau.
Watch his right and
you watch his left
and I'll watch the ingredients.
You've gotta be careful,
sometimes they're French
and they're very...
Is that all there is to it?
Gentlemen, you now know the
secret of Casserole a la Boudreau.
What do you do? Grow it?
- I make it once a week.
- Say, how do you spell week?
Well, gentlemen, how does
my kitchen stand inspection?
Oh, splendid.
You're hear from Duncan
Hines in the morning. Out, out.
Oui, Monsieur.
Don't trust that Doberman with
anything, come on, come on, let's go.
- Come on!
- Sarge, this stuff is delicious.
Come on! Don't, you
can't take... yeah, take it.
Well?
Yeah, it looks
awful under the mic.
Look, we don't care
what it looks like.
We're paying you $5
bucks to analyze what's in it!
- Let me look once more.
- Go ahead.
- Now, do you see anything?
- Hold it.
- Hold it.
- Hold on, I think he's got something.
Yeah, yeah. Let me
check once more.
Be ready to write
down anything he says.
Definitely... What? What?
A carbohydrate and
proteinieous compound
in a semi-solid caloric state.
What does that mean
in plain language?
Gravy.
I pay him 5 bucks
to find out it's gravy.
I could have got that
on Doberman's tie.
Charlie, why don't you taste
it and find out what's in it?
Me? Urgh! Please.
You got the wrong guy.
Down at the Mess
Hall we call him the bird.
Please, I just can't stand food.
He comes in once a
week into the Mess Hall,
he eats 4 cornflakes and
he collapses from indigestion.
Why, don't you eat, then
you can tell what's in it?
Don't you guys start.
For 15 years it was my
mother, eat Charlie, eat.
I got into the Army, the
medics, soldier, you gotta eat.
Look, get that
stuff out of here.
Well, what are you gonna
do with a mental case, huh?
Maybe we shouldn't have
bothered with it in the first place.
You may be right.
Just because we like it, doesn't
mean everybody else likes it.
You know, we may have
developed Ritzik's mouth,
you know, no taste buds.
Oh, oh, the bird is eating.
What?
- Charlie, you like it?
- Like it?
That's the most delicious...
Look, where can I get some
more? You gotta tell me.
Charlie, I'll get you all you
want. Just tell us what's in it.
I'm gonna be fat, I'm
gonna be nice and fat.
All my life, I wanted to be fat.
Look, Charlie, I can
get you all you want,
just tell us what is in it.
Well sure, I can break it
down to the last decimal.
You can write this down.
All I need is one thing.
- What?
- The recipe.
I'm gonna be fat. I
gotta call my mother.
Hey, ma, I'm gonna be fat.
- Ernie, why don't you give up?
- No.
You saw what just happened with
a guy who can't even stand food?
We've got a fortune riding here.
Marcel has got to
give us that recipe.
Fellows, I'm a peace loving
man and I hate to say this, but...
- Yeah.
- We'll have to resort to violence.
- Violence?
- Violence?
Now look, he's
getting ready to close,
you know what to do.
- Yeah.
- I take out the gun, I'll say,
"Stick 'em up, your
money or your life."
- Right.
- Hey, I was supposed to say that?
What difference does it make?
Well, I've been
rehearsing it all night.
All right, give
baby Ritzik the gun.
Now look, you know what to do,
when he comes out
you threaten his life.
I, a passing stranger, save
him from you hoodlums.
He's a French man.
He's emotional, out of
gratitude he gives me the recipe.
Now, wait a minute.
He's putting out the lights.
You know what to do, come on.
Right.
- Stick 'em up!
- Oh what is it you want?
I forgot.
Give me that, stick 'em
up, your money or your life.
- Oh, I was supposed to say that.
- Would you shut up.
All right, frenchie,
give us your money.
Spare me, I'm a poor man.
Then it's your
life, say a prayer.
Oh, don't shoot,
please! Don't shoot!
We will hit the dusty...
Good heavens, what
is this, a hold up?
You stand back or
I'll give it to you too.
What does it mean to me when
a fellow human
being's life is in danger.
Oh, Monsieur, they are killers.
Killers indeed, eh? Did
you ever hear of jiu-jitsu?
Pick up your hat.
Go! Get off, now go!
When a man can...
by George, it's Marcel!
Sergeant, you saved my life!
- Oh forget it.
- How can I ever repay you?
Well, I didn't
do this for profit,
but there's one
thing you can do.
Anything, anything.
The recipe, Casserole
a la Boudreau.
- The recipe?
- The recipe.
- Take my life.
- Come on, Marcel, I don't...
Oh, you saved my life,
now it's yours to take.
Look, all I want is the recipe.
Sgt. Bilko, a
Boudreau dies first!
My father gave it to me,
his father gave it to him
and his father before him.
Yes, supposed those
gangsters were to kill you,
what would happen
to the recipe then, huh?
Ah, my little son, Philippe, he
has the recipe, he would carry on.
Your little son, Philippe?
Oh, your little son knows it?
You got a little son
named Philippe, huh?
Nice little boy? Ah.
Ho, ho, ho!
All right. Quiet,
little kiddies, quiet.
Hey phony, what are you
doing here in the middle of June?
Oh, he's a big boy?
And you've got
present for all of us?
No, little darling,
just for one little boy.
He's a phony.
Look, you're a big boy,
go play with the traffic.
You see, last year when I went
back to the north pole, my wife,
Mrs. Santa Claus reminded
me, because a new boy
just moved into Roseville,
I forgot to give him
presents and she told
me his name, his name is...
- He's a phony.
- This little boy... Uh!
Say, he's good
with that, isn't he?
Yeah.
Yes, I think the little boy's
name was Philippe Boudreau.
That's him, that's Philippe.
- I am Philippe Boudreau.
- Oh, what a fine little lad.
Watch it, frenchie,
he's after something.
Look, son, why don't you...
It's funny, he never
misses, does he?
Oh yes, I have things
for you, I have presents.
Ho, ho, ho.
- Santa?
- Yes.
Just for that, everybody away!
No, not you Philippe,
you, I must talk to you.
I have for you many
presents, let me see.
Ah, you've been a good
boy, here's a little too taa.
And look what I have for you,
it makes you a real American.
Hey, you like that Philippe?
Wait, I have many other
presents, look at this.
A saxophone, I
have for you a pistol.
Oh, look at this, for
you. What do you say?
Oh, Monsieur Santa
Claus, never in my life
have I had so many presents,
I've never been so happy.
How can I thank you?
How can you thank me?
He wants to know
how he can thank me.
- Mr. Kringle?
- Yeah?
Uh! Lend me the gun,
I'll give him one little shot.
Oh, but you are good, because
you want to give me something
and I don't want
anything, but you can give
Mrs. Santa Claus
something, anything.
But I have nothing to give her.
- Oh, you have love in your heart?
- Oui.
You have a little boy's
faith in Santa Claus.
- Oui.
- You have the recipe?
- The recipe?
- Yeah Casserole a la Boudreau?
Take my life.
Keep them.
There must be a way
of getting that recipe.
If you don't get it
by tonight, forget it.
Look, the contest will be over.
It says all entries
must be postmarked
not later than midnight tonight.
How can a guy be so stubborn?
He's gonna go broke in this town
trying to run a
French restaurant.
I'm offering him $25,000.
Forget it, Ernie, he won't give
you the recipe, it's a secret.
Yeah, if you...
Wait a minute, suppose
this famous recipe of his
just turns out to be a
common American Army dish.
How are you gonna
make him believe that?
He'll see for himself,
when on a tour of the post
he sees right on
that stove there,
a whole potful of
Casserole a la Boudreau,
enough to feed
an entire regiment.
A potful? Who's gonna make it?
The only man who can, Marcel,
only he won't know he's doing it.
I've got to make a
reservation for the party tonight.
Oh, we're giving a party?
What's the occasion?
A party for 20? Tonight? And
they all want the casserole?
A celebration? For who?
Oh, he was? Sgt. Bilko,
we will do our part, au revoir.
- Marcel, a party for 20?
- Oui, oui.
- What is it, Marcel?
- It is a great occasion for them.
They are celebrating
Rocky Graziano's birthday.
Who is this Rocky Graziano?
How could you be so stupid?
- He was their 23rd president.
- Oh.
Gentlemen, we're gathered here
to honor the birthday of a great man.
President Graziano will
not only be remembered
for opening the Panama Canal.
- Sergeant.
- Yes.
I have served
everyone. You can eat.
Oh, swell. Now, gentlemen, we
will take the oath, the oath that...
Please, this is private,
for citizens only.
Oh, apologies.
They're gone.
Get 'em. Get Grover and Ritzik.
Ok, boys, sing loud
and cover the noise.
Hail to president Graziano.
Hails in peace and war.
Fought his way up
to the White House.
Born in a candy store.
Graziano, Graziano,
your memory we hail.
You would still
be with us, Rocky.
If it wasn't for Tony Zale.
Casserole a la Boudreau.
Hey, maybe if I add a little...
Hold it, you heard
what Bilko said.
You make one move with that
paprika, I got orders to shoot.
Right this way folks, here
we have Company B kitchen,
Sgt. Ritzik in charge, do
you remember the folks?
Mr. and Mrs. Boudreau.
Tell us, Sgt. Ritzik, what
lunch are you cooking up
for the boys today?
Oh, nothing much, I just
slapped together something
out of the Army cookbook.
Oh, the good old Army cookbook.
Oh, this must seem
primitive to an artist like you,
the way we live
must be revolting, eh?
Oh say, here, take a taste.
Oh no, you wouldn't
want to taste it?
Oh no, let me taste it.
All right, this is
rather a joke to him,
for him to taste Army cooking.
It's out of the book,
you understand.
Wait, mama, taste this!
Taste it? Oh, did you like it?
It's rather quant
I imagine to you.
This is it, but exactly,
Casserole a la Boudreau.
My Casserole and for generations
I thought it was
a family secret.
Oh no, there must be some
mistake. It came out of here.
Oh no, no. This is it, exactly.
But you see, he just cooks
out of the Army cookbook.
- Let's see what he cooked today.
- Let me see.
- Oh, I almost forgot.
- What is wrong?
Well, you can see
here for yourself here,
it says War Department
Technical Manual.
It's a cookbook, we
cannot show that to civilians.
But I want to know if I
have the same recipe.
Oh, I don't know
what to do to help you.
But I tell you what, why
don't you tell me your recipe,
and I'll see if it coincides with
what's written here in the book.
Fine. Right ahead.
- Taking equal portions.
- Taking equal portions.
- Of beef.
- Of beef.
- Lamb.
- Lamb.
- And rabbit.
- And rabbit.
- Braise slowly.
- Braise slowly.
- For 1 hour.
- For 1 hour.
And finally, I put
the pencil here
you see, it's exactly
the words, word for word.
Oh, no. And does it
say in a saucepan sauté.
- In a saucepan sauté.
- A mixture.
Is that sauté with
a dash over the E?
- Yes.
- Sauté a mixture.
Mixture.
- Of butter.
- Of butter.
- A garlic.
- Garlic.
Crushed fraises des bois.
- Crushed fraises des bois.
- And bay beans.
- And... bay beans.
And bay beans.
Why, it's uncanny, word for...
oh, I wish I could show you this,
they won't let us.
And does it also say
about egg whites?
No, but it will. I mean,
what about egg whites?
Don't feel bad, Marcel, it
could happen to anybody.
Oh, for centuries
my family guarded it
and now it's in an
Army cookbook.
- C'est la guerre.
- Come, Marcel.
Yes, I must break
it gently to Philippe.
- Au revoir.
- Au revoir.
Come back any time.
Come on quick, we've
got to work real fast,
remember, neatness counts.
Right, I've got the
letter here. Here it is.
Start it off by saying
that, I Rupert Ritzik.
I Rupert Ritzik.
A Sergeant in the
United States Army.
Enclose a recipe
from my original dish
to be called Uncle Sam's stew.
- Uncle Sam's stew.
- Let me see the notes I made.
All right. Taking
equal portions of beef.
Equal portions of beef.
- Lamb and rabbit.
- Lamb and rabbit.
- Braise slowly for 1 hour.
- Braise slowly for 1 hour.
- Am I going to fast?
- No, no I can make it.
In a saucepan, sauté
a mixture of butter,
garlic and crushed
fraises des bois.
- Fraise des what?
- Bois, bois, B O I S.
Ernie, you put a
French name in there,
it's not an American
stew anymore.
Yeah, we gotta
find out what it is.
Well, look at the book, they
got foreign words in the book.
Yeah, look at the index.
Where is the index here?
Index, here it is. Index,
index F, F, fricassee,
farfel, fraises des bois,
that's it, let me see.
Page 483, recipe 390.
Well, look up that
fraises des bois.
Wait a minute, I'll
find it. Here it is.
It's in this Kentucky
Hunter's Stew.
Taking equal portions
of beef, lamb and rabbit,
braise slowly for 1
hour in a saucepan
sauté a mixture
of butter, garlic...
In a saucepan, sauté
a mixture of butter,
garlic and fraises des
bois. Fraises des bois.
Take equal portions of beef,
lamb, rabbit... beef, lamb, rabbit.
How do you like this? This
is exactly the same recipe.
Ernie, you mean it
was in there all the time,
Kentucky Hunter's Stew?
Look at this, this early
original American dish
was created by
Daniel Boone in 1804.
How do you spell
Boone, is it one or 2 O's?
I'm too tired to hit you.
It's 3 zeros, that's what
we're going to wind up with.
Well, there goes our $50,000.
You mean $25,000, we were
gonna give Marcel $25,000.
Poor jerk, not only
did we break his heart,
look at the problem he's got.
He's got to run a French
restaurant in a town like this.
But what are gonna
do? I don't know.
All this work down
the drain. I don't know...
Tell you what we gonna do,
spread the word around this...
it's still a great dish, isn't it?
- Yes.
Spread the word all over the
post, in town, any place you want.
For the best Kentucky
Hunter's Stew,
drop in at the Daniel Boone
room at Marcel's Restaurant.
We'll build them a sign.
Well, how is everything?
Say, how about some more
of that Daniel Boone's Stew.
Coming right up, partner.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Well, Marcel, we're here
for some of that original.
Look, I'm sorry if you
didn't make a reservation.
- Marcel.
- Oh don't Marcel me,
wait outside in
line with the rest.
- Outside?
- Outside.
The minute you're a success
everybody is your friend.
- How do you like that?
- Well, who needs him?
Come with me, I'm
working on a new fricassee.
Do you mind? Do you mind?
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
John Silo as Marcel Boudreau.
Susan Hovey as Mrs. Boudreau
and Sandy Kenyon as Charlie.