The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 5 - A.W.O.L. - full transcript

Fender, what's with the makeup?

You're gonna be
under a truck all day.

You'd be surprised who
you can meet under a truck.

Ah, let's go, let's go.

I wonder if the Army'd
let me grow a beard.

Let you?

I wonder why they
don't make you.

♪ I dream of Jeanie... ♪

Here comes Bing.

♪ With the light brown hair ♪

♪ Just like azal... ♪



What are you, a wise
guy or something?!

They just got to do
something about these hours.

Waking me up
5:30 in the morning.

What do they think
I am, a rooster?

It's an Army rule, fellas.

We have to obey, so
let's do it cheerfully.

Army rules, Doberman?

Show me the Army rule that says

we got to get up
5:30 in the morning.

But we always get up at 5:30.

Sure, 'cause we're
creatures of habit.

Wouldn't you still
like to be in the sack?

Yeah, but, uh... But what?

'Cause when the Army started



and George Washington
had his men get up at 5:30,

you, Doberman, 200
years later, are still doing it.

Yeah, but Mullen,
George Washington's men

had a lot of things to do.

They all had to get up, make
their own fires, you know.

We got heat in the barracks.

Yeah, but they had
to feed the horses.

But we don't have any horses.

What about food?
They had to get up

and hunt for it, didn't they?

What's there to hunt?

We eat in the mess hall!

Doberman's right!

What chumps we
are, getting up 5:30.

Not me!

Well, then let's go back to bed!

What's going on here?

Fun in the latrine again?

You guys still making a patsy

out of poor little
Doberman, huh?

Why don't you stand
up for your rights?

Why do you let these guys make
a patsy out of you all the time?

You got rights here, Doberman!

You're standing in front of
the washbowl and I'm ready?

- What are you doing?
- Oh, I'm sorry!

The bigger a man you'll be.

These guys'll take
advantage of you all day long.

You're as big as any
m... Towel, get the towel!

Faucets, faucets.

When Abraham Lincoln said

"All men are created equal,"

he didn't mean every
man except Doberman.

He meant you, too.

Stand up.

Be a brave man.

Be brave within yourself.

These guys'll take
advantage of you all day long.

Speak up to them!

Don't let them take
advantage of you.

How's the water?
How's the water?

Just be brave in your thoughts.

The ego that you maintain...

It's too hot, Doberman!

I can't help you if you
won't help yourself.

Think big, and you'll be big.

It's all right.

Now, Doberman, I can't help
you if you won't help yourself.

Stand up to these crumbs.

They'll have you working...
The soap, Doberman, the soap!

You're as important
as any man in this Army.

All you have to do is
answer your roll call,

do your work... The
glasses, the glasses...

And you answer to no man.

Believe in yourself, and
the world will believe in you.

If you listen to these creeps,

they'll have you
working all day long.

All day long, everything but
what they have to do themselves.

If you believe in yourself,
the world will believe in you.

The glasses.

Believe in yourself!

Believe firmly in yourself, and
the world will recognize a man

who has integrity, a man who
is responsible to only himself.

The robe, Doberman, the robe!

That's all you got to give
these jerks is a little leeway.

That's all they need,

and they'll take
advantage all day long.

When you joined up,
you became a soldier.

Act like a soldier.

Think like a soldier,
'cause you're as good

as any man in this outfit.

I got the shoes
outside. The shoes!

- I was just gonna polish them!
- All right.

Doberman, Doberman,
hand me that towel, will you?

Get it yourself.

Good boy, Doberman.

That's the way to speak
up to them. Believe...

The shoes, Doberman, the shoes!

Well, what's with the
rest of you creeps?

Gonna stand around
primping all day long, huh?

Just gonna primp?

What's with the work at
the motor pool, Mullen?

Are you gonna put those
valves in the half trucks,

or you waiting for the
good fairy to help you?

I've been helping
Palmer on the carburetors.

Palmer?

What's with you,
subcontracting your work now?

I'm an electrical man, Sarge.

I-I been just helping out
on the, on the carburetors

until Steve Nagy gets back.

Steve Nagy... that
crazy Hungarian.

What a time he picks to go AWOL.

And now, when he does
come back, I'll have to

talk the colonel out of
putting him in the guardhouse.

Meanwhile, that carburetor
work keeps piling up!

Where do you think he
went this time, Sarge?

Where he always goes... home.

Hair tonic, Sarge?

What I have I treat well.

Yeah.

That crazy Hunky.

The minute there's
any trouble in his family,

over the wall he
goes; home he goes.

Hey, took off like a
shot when I saw him.

Last time I saw him, he
was writing a letter home.

Little did I know he intended
to deliver it in person.

Attention!

Bilko, the colonel wants
to see you immediately.

Steve Nagy, sir?

Yes, he just phoned
from his home in Chicago.

He's ready to come back.

You're his sergeant;
you've got to bring him back.

Yes, sir.

Bilko, I know you
need Private Nagy

in your motor pool
on those carburetors.

But just for once,

one of your AWOLs is gonna
serve time in the guardhouse.

Now, go to Chicago
and bring him back.

Yes, sir.

Sir, I figured it out.

From the time we
discovered he was gone

until the time he called in,
that was only two days, sir.

Only two days?

Yes, sir.

Well, then if I
didn't prefer charges

and referred the matter to
your company commander...

With a recommendation to
merely restrict him to quarters.

Yes, yes.

Then if he's merely
restricted to quarters,

why not the motor pool?

Why not, sir?

And he could work
on those carburetors.

Oh, sir, you've
got it figured out.

- Bilko!
- Yes, sir.

I've been through
this with you before!

Your men go AWOL, and I
wind up recommending them

for a Medal of Honor.

Now, go bring back Nagy!

Yes, sir.

Sir, he's just an excitable guy.

I know, Bilko, but
he's done this before.

When he joined the Army,

he should've said he
was gonna be a commuter.

Go and bring him back.

Yes, sir.

Did you say something, sir?

- What was that, sir?
- No, I didn't!

Oh.

It's just that he's
such a nice kid.

I hate to see him in
trouble all the time.

Bilko.

Yes, sir?

Could you get him
back here by tomorrow?

Sir, I can hitch a ride to
the air base, be in Chicago,

start back immediately and
have him here in time for reveille.

All right, you'll have him
on those carburetors again.

Sir, you've earned
the undying affection...

Just bring him back!

And if anything happens,
phone me personally.

I'm going out on
a limb this time.

Sir, I'll never forget
you... Yes, sir.

Did it again.

Well, Bilko?

I'm off to Chicago, sir.

To bring back the prisoner?

Yes, sir.

Sir, do I have to go
and get him personally?

It has to be you, Bilko, or
a sergeant of equal rank.

I'll cut your orders.

Thank you, sir.

Sergeant of equal rank.

I...

Oh, hey! Mess Sergeant Sowici.

Is this a coincidence?

Just on my way over to see you.

I'm overwhelmed.

No kidding, Stanley.

The guys have been talking
how the chow has improved

since you came
back from furlough.

No kidding.

Well, you do a
bang-up job, Sowici.

You know, Ernie, I ain't
gonna go to Chicago

to bring back
Steve Nagy for you.

Aw, come on.

Wise guy.

Well, here's the
equipment you'll need.

- There's the armband.
- Yes, sir.

- Here are the handcuffs.
- Yes, sir.

- And here's your .45.
- Right.

If you have to fire,
the safety's on the side.

Sir... I'll try to bring
him back alive.

Good luck.

Hold it! Hold it, everybody!

Someone's at the door.

All right, all
right, I'll take it.

Dance, dance!

Trick or treat.

Gee, Sergeant
Bilko, I'm-I'm s...

Come on, let's
get moving, let's...

You're Stevie's Sergeant Bilko!

- That's right.
- That's my pop.

- Hi, Mr. Nagy.
- Hi!

Nice to see you all. So long.

Hey, everybody,
this is Sergeant Bilko.

He comes to take Stevie
back to the camp, huh?

Sorry to butt in on the party.

I'll wait out in the hall.

No, you insult me.

On the night my
daughter's engagement,

in Hungary, not even a b-be...

beggar wouldn't
wait in the hall.

Well, I'm sorry.

Give him a drink.

I'll see you all later.

- No!
- Don't go.

Don't go, come in.

I'm Steve's mother.

Now, you tell your colonel
my Stevie's a good boy

and comes home only
when we need him.

I told the colonel
that. I told him.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Have a good time.
Come on, Steve... No!

What's the hurry?
It's a big night!

These are my future in-laws,

the most wonderful
people in Chicago.

János!

Zoltán!

Zsa Zsa!

Zoltán!

- Bilko!
- Bilko!

Zsa Zsa!

Bilko!

Here, here, here.

This is, this is my...
my-my daughter Magda

and her fiancé Imre.

Bilko.

- Bilko!
- Magda!

Bilko!

Magda!

Bilko!

Magda!

I like this.

So long, everybody.

Don't go without drinking
to the young couple.

All right, I can have
one for the road.

- Good luck, kids.
- Good luck.

This...

Hey, what is that?

- This is barrack, Sergeant.
- It's a Hungarian drink.

That's not a drink;
that's a secret weapon!

- Well, good-bye, everybody!
- Oh, no, no!

- You mustn't...
- Don't leave without meeting Papa.

- Papa...
- Well, who's that?

That's my grandfather.

- Oh, I'd like to meet him.
- Here is Papa.

Papa, this is Sergeant Bilko.

Hi.

Six stripes!

- - - What happened?

I didn't touch him. I
didn't lay a hand on him.

- What's he crying for?
- Papa's crying

because he was in
the Hungarian Army.

- Oh.
- He had six stripes, too.

Oh, was he a sergeant?

No, a private.

A private with six stripes?

I'm Hungary, even a
civilian has five stripes.

Oh.

- Toast to the sergeant!
- Toast!

No, no, thank
you. I've got to go.

- Sorry. Thanks for...
- Drink, drink!

- Sergeant. - I... Well... well.

I'll drink to you, my dear.

And your name?

- Vilma.
- Vilma.

Hey, Ernie, Ernie!

Steve, get out of here.

Vilma!

Is it "Miss," or am I too late?

No, you're in time, Sarge.

Is she signed with any
team, or is she freelancing?

- She's freelancing.
- Well...

Oh, Sergeant, do you
have to go right away?

- Well, I...
- Oh, Vilma!

Don't be so forward.

Oh, she's not forward.

It's just that I've
been a little backw...

Will you get him off me?

Six stripes!

No, no, Papa, leave
the sergeant alone.

Can't you see he
wants to be with Vilma?

That's right.

Vilma wants to czardas with him.

- Yeah!
- Vilma wants to czardas with him!

Vilma wants to cza...

What does she
want to do with me?

Czardas.

That's a Hungarian dance, Sarge.

Oh, well. Just
thought I'd check.

Like to be in
control all the time.

You are lovely, my
little gypsy, lovely.

Hey, Sarge, we better go.

What's your hurry?

Then you're going
to stay for a while?

I guess I could fix it with
the colonel for an hour.

Where's Vilma? Where's Vilma?

Vilma? Is Vilma here?

Vilma? Listen, listen, Vilma?

Hello, Colonel Hall?

- It's Sergeant Bilko.
- Bilko?

Sir, we've had an
unavoidable accident.

We couldn't make that plane.

The next plane is
4:00 in the morning.

Where are you?

At the airport.

Airport?

Sounds like it's
full of jukeboxes.

Bilko, you get that
AWOL back here by noon,

or you'll serve his time.

♪♪

Wow... Hungarians are crazy.

Oh, you're a real
Hungarian hepcat.

You're not bad yourself.

Say, listen, sugar, how
about some more ammunition?

Oh, some more barrack?

- Time to go, Sarge.
- On the double, on...

Time to go.

Where you rushing?
Where you rushing?

You got a nice family
here. Real friendly people.

Yeah, you should have seen
'em a couple of nights ago.

This place looked like
Fight Night at St. Nick's.

Is that why you took off?

Yeah, it was over
my sister's dowry.

Dowry?

Oh, it's an old country idea.

You know, more
a matter of pride.

You see, both families come
from the same little town in Hungary.

And each one says it was the
others who were the peasants.

I got them to compromise;
now everybody's happy.

Dowry, huh?

Look, this Vilma...
does money go with her?

Sure.

Well, I had my heart
set on a military wedding,

but now I hear
gypsy violins playing.

Your barrack.

Well...

What are you, what
are you, a spectator?

Move.

What do you say we go over
to that little love seat, sugar?

Here, here, here.

In all fairness, I
should warn you,

as we say in Madison
Square Garden,

"Protect yourself at all times."

Sergeant Bilko!

- Oh, no, Papa, pl...
- Six stripes!

Please, you're shrinking
the whole uniform.

Papa, you can talk
to the sergeant later.

Sergeant, I thought you
had forgotten all about me.

Forget about you, my dear?

Can a man forget the stars?

- Sergeant Bilko!
- Oh, Papa, please.

Now tell me, do your dragoon
use the Austerlitz saddle?

Please, Papa, later.

- Now-Now tell me...
- Darling, the moment I...

how often do you
curry your horse?

Please Pa... Look,
Papa, six stripes.

You see?

Oh, the thought
that I have to leave

first thing in the
morning to face my re...

Look, you're fading the
whole uniform, Papa. Please!

The way... the way I think...

Look, you're wetting
all the stripes, Pa...

Look, shlibitz.

What kind of a crack is that?

It's a Hungarian card game.

Come on, let's kibitz.

Come on, Papa,
hang on. Here we go.

Hey, Sarge, how about
a game of shlibitz?

- Shlibitz? What's that?
- It's a card game.

Card game? I never played that.

No, come take my
place, Sergeant.

Bilko's the best card
player in the whole Army.

- Look, I never...
- Oh, wonderful.

I never played this.

If you can czardas,
you can shlibitz.

I'll try anything.
How do you play it?

Oh, it's easy. We
each get seven cards.

Now, if you get the
jack of diamonds

and the ten of clubs
you're very lucky...

Wait a minute.
You're mixing him up.

The ten of diamonds
and jack of clubs

is ten points, but if
you get a yaddle...

- A yaddle?
- Oh, it's 15.

- What's a yaddle?
- Two fours and a nine.

Now, if he plays a
deuce, play a heart.

If you haven't got a heart,
that's good... that's schniggle.

Schniggle?

If he's got a heart,
it's a... it's a schmeize.

- Schmeize.
- But whatever you do,

- don't glintz.
- Oh, I wouldn't glintz.

- Why should I glintz?
- He touched the cards.

He will catch on.

- Bet a quarter.
- Bet a quarter?

- A quarter, yeah.
- All right.

He doesn't know the game.

What do you mean he
doesn't know the game?

I just showed it to him.

Okay, we'll bet a quarter.

This is cute.

Schnickle.

Glintz.

- -Glintz!
- Glintz!

Good.

You never played this game?

Give you my word of honor...
Never saw the game in my life.

- Play, Imre.
- Yes, Papa.

Yaddle.

Schmeize.

- You won, Sergeant.
- I win?!

- You won!
- What'd I tell you? He's the greatest.

- I wish I knew...
- Now we play a bit.

Come on, we play
a game for a dollar.

Oh, no, I don't
want to play for...

- Go ahead, get the...
- You're good. -Okay.

Take your time.

I've got to lose it back,

because I've never
played the game.

But I could learn it, I guess.

Yaddle.

- Shlibitz.
- Shlibitz.

- No?
- Yaddle.

Well, if you yaddle, I shlibitz.

Yaddle, glintz, shlibitz.

Yaddle.

Schmeize!

Schmeize?

Yaddle, glibitz, glintz,
double schmeize.

Not... not since Budapest

have I seen a double schmeize.

And why shouldn't you see
a double schmeize tonight,

when you bring here a
professional shlibitz player?

- Huh? Dressed as a soldier.
- Now, wait a minute...

- What do you mean?
- I never played this game in my life.

- What...?
- Oh, you never played, huh?

Only a man who was
born, raised and grew up

in a Hungarian coffee shop
could play shlibitz like you.

Papa, don't get excited!

- What are you talking about?
- What are you getting...?

I'm talking about you
bringing in this card shark

to win back the dowry.

The dowry?!

If you want the money back,
ask for it like a gentleman,

and I'll give it to
you like a gentleman.

- Here!
- What?!

No, wait a minute.
Here's the dollar back.

The wedding is off!
The wedding is off!

The wedding is not off...

Let's get out of here!

Let's get out before we are old.

Quiet. Quiet!

Six stripes!

Sergeant Bilko, won't you
have some more breakfast, huh?

No, we got to go.
Please, thank you.

- Come on, Steve, I promised the colonel.
- Yes, sir.

Steve, here is your lunch,

and here is a cake for your
friends in the guardhouse.

Okay, Mom, I got to go.

- You sure you have everything?
- Yeah, Pop.

Hey, wait a minute, hey.
Prisoner? Hold this, prisoner.

Yes, Sarge.

Well, Sergeant Bilko, good-bye.

Next time, when you come
to Chicago to pick up Steve,

- we'll show you a better time.
- Thank you very much.

Yeah, and always
consider this your house.

Thank you. Ver...
You're very sweet.

I'm sorry all the
trouble I caused you.

Trouble? Thanks to you,

Magda hasn't married
this butcher family.

Yeah. Oh, Magda... you
didn't say good-bye to her.

Magda, Steve and the
sergeant are leaving.

Good-bye, sirs.
Good-bye, Sergeant Bilko.

Bye, Magda. It's
nice knowing you.

I'm sorry about all the trouble,

and especially about Imre.

Imre... Imre!

- Oh, now, Magda...!
- Sarge, we got to go.

Are you sure I can't...?

Bye. No, it's-it's all right.

Don't cry, Magda.

You must be happy not to
marry this-this-this butcher boy.

I can't help it.

Sergeant Bilko, what...?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Nagy.

I got her into this, I
got to get her out of it.

My conscience would bother
me for the rest of my life.

Let me talk to her a
minute alone, will ya?

- Please?
- Of course.

Just let me alone
with her a minute.

I'm sorry, Sergeant Bilko.

Now, this is silly, Magda.
You love Imre, don't you?

- Mm-hmm.
- Why don't you marry him?

But my family...

Now, look, is there a
marriage bureau in this town?

Yes, on the 17th floor
of the Municipal Building.

17th floor of the
Municipal Building.

- Municipal Building.
- I want you there at 3:00.

- Yes.
- You'll be there, you under...?

- You see this "MP"?
- Yes.

See what that stands
for... "Marriage Promoter."

I said, "pot roast." Pot roast!

Yes, Mrs. Polinski,
pot roast. Pot roast!

Imre, will you stop mooning
and take a little interest

in Mrs. Polinski's pot roast?

Yes, Papa.

Ah, N. Varga & Son.

Well, you've really got
a beautiful place here.

Imre, lock up the meat.

That shlibitz shark is here.

Please, Mr. Varga,

you're looking at a
very disillusioned man.

And what is this disillusion?

Oh, those Nagys.

Oh, found out what
crooks they are, huh?

Hired you to win back the dowry,

and didn't pay you, huh?

- Not a cent.
- Hmm.

Boy, is your son...

he's lucky he didn't
marry into that family.

Ah, don't tell it to me,
go and tell it to him.

Maybe he'll stop, uh... worrying
about those... that Magda.

Uh, I'll get you that
meat, Mrs. Drubek.

- Imre...
- He's waiting on me.

Just a minute, lady.
I want to talk to you.

- He's having enough trouble.
- Will you relax, please?

Imre, you don't know
how lucky you are.

You're a lucky fella,
believe me, Imre, real lucky.

Lucky to have a girl like
Magda in love with you.

Are you going to
stand here and cut meat

while love passes you by?

Please, no gristle.

Will you please, lady?
Now come on, Imre.

There isn't a butcher in Chicago
who wouldn't hock his block

to have a girl like Magda.

- Now, what are you going to do?
- Magda.

Beautiful Magda with
those flashing eyes.

- That heavenly figure.
- That heavenly figure.

Trim off the fat.

Will you please, lady?

Now look, are you going to
stand on your own two feet

and be a man of destiny, or
are you going to stand here

while love walks away?

- You know what's waiting for you?
- Well, what should I do?

- What should you...?
- Save the bone for the dog.

Will you please?

On the 17th floor of
the Federal Building,

love is waiting for you.
Now you get right over there.

- Yeah, but Sergeant, if I...
- "But Sarge," my eye.

There's a man there...
all you's do is take a paper,

say "I do," and love
comes your way.

- Yeah?
- Come on, on the double.

Yeah, I'm going.

- I'm going.
- Now what's your trouble, madam?

- Pot roast.
- Pot roast.

- Pot roast.
- You want it with gristle?

You want the bone chopped?
Should we ship it to you?

- Would you like...?
- What's going on here? Where's Imre?

Imre? I don't know
where Imre is.

But I would advise you to
be at the Nagy house tonight

for a little surprise.

The Nagys? I thought
you hated them.

I changed my mind.

Now, remember, when the
young couple get here, you play...

Very simple. Let me hear it.

Hey!

Don't get so carried away.

Leave out the schmaltz, will ya?

Play it simple.

It's very serious. It's
the "Wedding March."

Just that... let's hear it.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Everything you play sounds like
the second Hungarian Rhapsody.

Will you do it my
way once, please?

That's all. Let's hear it.

All right, all right,
work on it a while.

Where did you get this
Hungarian Sauter and Finnegan?

Now, you are sure they
are coming right here

after they were married?

Magda promised me the
minute they got married,

they're going to come home.

Oh, Zoltán, at last! Our
baby will be happy. Ah!

You are right, pupul.

Sergeant Bilko, how
can we thank you?

It's all right. Listen, Steve,
the minute they get here,

remember, we got to take off.

- Oh, that must be them. Come on.
- Oh!

Hey, fellas?

What's the matter, Magda?
Where's-Where's Imre?

I waited for three hours
in the marriage bureau.

He has jolted her.

Sergeant Bilko, you have
made a disgrace of us.

I don't know what happened.

What could have...?

- It's the Vargas.
- The Vargas.

- I kill you! I kill you!
- No, no, no, no, no...!

Take it easy. Well, what's
wrong? What happened?

What?

- What, you don't know, huh?
- What happened?

You didn't plan it that way?

You didn't send him
up to the 17th floor?

Where's Imre?

Where's Imre?!
Here's Imre, here.

Imre!

What happened?

You said the 17th floor
of the Federal Building.

Federal Building?
Municipal Building!

Did I say, "Federal Building"?

Yeah, that's the... that's
the recruiting office, Sarge.

- Holy... -Oh!
- I did just what you said.

You certainly did.

- Oh, I'll kill you!
- No, no, be quiet, be quiet.

Quiet, wait a minute.
Now, wait a second.

Did you take the oath?

Not till tomorrow.

Oh, I can get you out of it.

But you got to be
married by tomorrow.

But Colonel, those
garbage trucks broke down.

The motor pool is
jammed sky-high.

I know, I know.

Bilko will be here
any minute now.

Uh, have you got that
jeep waiting at the airport?

Yes, sir.

Oh, no. Still in Chicago?

Bilko, what's that noise?

That's a czardas, sir.

♪♪

Ah...

Oh, Sergeant Bilko,
how can I ever thank you?

That's all right, honey.

Sergeant Bilko,
are you not happy

that I made you stay another
day so that you could be best man?

Sergeant, one more czardas.

Now look, Mama,
we're in enough trouble.

We've got to go.
Come on... Please.

Music.

Hey, there's the
door. There's the door.

Music.

Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee...

Sowici. I was just taking
Steve right back. Here we go.

Forget about Steve.

The colonel sent me to
get you and bring you back.

Hey, handcuffs, Sowici? Really?

Sowici... isn't that
a Hungarian name?

- No, it's Polish.
- Polish!

Oh, they can dance the czardas
better than the Hungarians.

Czardas? Gosh, I haven't
danced a czardas in...

Sergeant, just one?

No, I-I... Music!

Varga was played by Hans Schumm,

Mr. Nagy by Ben Astar,

Doberman by Maurice Gosfield.