The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Horse - full transcript

Bilko uses the platoon fund to buy ailing racehorse, 'Bell Boy.' Smuggling the horse into Fort Baxter, Bilko dreams of making a fortune at the races when the horse is well.

Here they come
across the finish line!

The winner... Tangerine!

Second... Pop Goes The Weasel.

Third... Country Store.
Fourth... Irish Stew.

Followed by Blockbuster,
Little Lady, Dinky,

and last... Bell Boy.

There he is... Bell Boy.

Oh, this is some horse
you picked for us, Carter.

For the life of me,
Sergeant Bilko,

I can't understand how he lost.

You know, lots of
people go to the races,



win a little, lose a little.

Not us. We brought
our own expert.

Born and raised on
a farm in Kentucky.

Knows all about horses.

Joined the Army. Why?

So he can pick a horse for
us that came in absolutely last.

Good boy!

Look at his breeding.

Polynesian out of Ding Dong.

Why, he's of the same
family as Native Dancer.

Native Dancer.

That explains that slow
mambo he was doing.

I talked my platoon
into putting up a bankroll!

And now zing,
half of it is gone!



How am I gonna
face that platoon?

Hiya, boy.

Don't lean on him.
He's liable to collapse.

Not him, Sarge.

He's a real thoroughbred.

He's got courage.

Yeah, well, let him
face the platoon.

Excuse me, boys.

There he is, Mr. Brown.

Only a hundred dollars.

Huh, he looks too, uh...

For farmer's work,
he looks too delicate.

- Oh, well, Mr. Brown...
- Sorry, Mr. Stevens.

- Let's try and make a deal.
- Nope.

Oh, wait'll I tell the guys.

They bet on a horse
that ran second to a plow.

I knew it! I knew it, I knew it!

Wait a minute. He
knows something.

This'll be the first thing
he knew today. What?

Sarge, look at that leg.

He's got osselets.

Now, you see?

You were standing here,
you didn't notice that.

You see? You thought
you bet on just...

We got a horse
with osselets. See?!

What's osselets?!

They're little bone growths.

He shouldn't have
been in that race.

He practically wasn't. Come
on. Let's get out of here.

No, wait a minute, Sarge.
I got to tell his owner.

Why, I could have had
that leg fixed up in no time,

and he'd be worth
thousands, a stake winner.

- Hey, mister...
- Atten-hut!

You could fix that
leg in no time?

Sure, I've done it hundreds
of times down in Kentucky.

Hey, mister...

You're not in my platoon.

Back away.

Now, listen to me.

You fix his leg, and
he'll be worth thousands?

Sure, a Polynesian
horse in sound condition?

Oh, wait'll the owner hears...

Oh, here he comes. Say, mister?

Someone want me?

Yes, sir. You're in
for some good news.

I just found out...

- Uh, so...
- Good news for me?

Yeah, I would kinda
like to buy your horse.

- Hey but, Sarge!
- Buy a horse?!

- That's jerky!
- Why don't we...?

Oh, please, please, let
me have my own way once.

Let me... If I got
a whim, whim me.

I think you said it
was a hundred dollars.

I just happen to have that here.

Look, fellas, your g...
you guys are soldiers.

I don't wanna stick you.

This horse is no good.
Something's wrong with him.

- I know, I...
- Attention!

Look, I don't mind
spending a hundred dollars.

You see, I never had a pet.

I'm warning you.

Okay, here's his papers.

You boys got yourself a horse.

Good luck.

Gee, Sarge!

We got a horse?!

What are we gonna do with him?

Platoon's hundred
dollars... Phht!

We can't keep him.

All right, all right, Carter,

when they bought that
famous horse Alsab,

what did they pay for him?

$750.

What did he win?

Over a half a million.

When Hirsch Jacobs bought
Stymie, what did he pay for him?

$1,500.

What did Stymie win?

Over a million.

Any questions?

Where we gonna keep him?

We gotta keep him right close
to Carter so he can fix his leg.

We'll keep him on the post.

On the post?!

It's good enough for us,
it's good enough for him!

Yeah, but, Sarge, you know

how the old man feels
about animals. He'll flip!

Colonel Hall don't even
let a goldfish on the post.

Wait a second. This
is too big to goof off.

I got it. I got it.

We'll keep him in that old gun
shed behind the motor pool.

We'll sneak him in
tonight right after lights out.

- Everything okay?
- Come on! Come on!

Okay, Carter.

What took you so long?!

Bell Boy fell in a rifle pit.
I think I broke my back.

Who cares about you?
Hey, how's the horse, Carter?

Fine, Sarge, like
a million dollars.

You stay with him all
night. A million dollars!

Hey, Sarge, how much is a
million dollars divided by four?

Four? You mean 22.

Why 22?

We bought him with the
platoon's money, right?

22 men in the platoon?

Bell Boy, you got 22 owners.

All right, yardbirds, formation!

Off your seats and
on your feet! Let's go!

Hey, Rocco, how'd
Bilko do at the fair?

- Hey, did we win or lose?
- Come on, Rocco!

How'd he do with our 200 bucks?!

Quiet! Quiet! Simmer down!

Roll call, Sergeant Bilko.

Thank you, Corporal Henshaw.

Good morning, millionaires.

Millionaires!

We're rich! We're rich!

- Where's our dough?
- We're rich! We're rich!

- All right, all right.
- We're rich! We're rich!

Simmer down, simmer
down. There you go...

Men...

we're in on something
so big it frightens even me.

Now, here's the laydown...

Rocco, watch out for brass.

I'm gonna give it
to you guys straight.

We have bought a racehorse.

- Did he say "a racehorse"?
- Are you nuts?! A horse?

Quiet!

Shh!

This is top secret.

Now, here's the
lowdown... Roll call!

- Anderson?
- Yo!

- Doberman?
- Yo!

- Flipowicz?
- Hey!

- Gander?
- Yo!

- Rubicheck?
- Yo!

- Kadowski!
- Yo!

- Mullen?
- Yo!

- Gomez?
- Yo!

Harrigan?

- Jones?
- Yo!

- Palmer?
- Yo!

Zimmerman?

Hiken?

Here's the laydown.

This has got to be
kept amongst us.

We've... Oh, you're
with us, all right.

Now, get this.

The next week, the horse...
His name is Bell Boy...

The horse, he's got
to live off the Army...

like we been doing, all right?

Kadowski, Mullen, I want you men

to report to the
groundskeeping officer.

Volunteer to mow
the lawns, cut grass.

Cut grass?

The horse has gotta eat, right?

And get that grass right
over to the gun shed.

- Sergeant Bilko!
- Phew!

Take to the hills! Phew!

All right, all right, wise guys,

he's been with
the horse all night.

What do you want him to
smell like, Chanel No. 5?

Hey, you left the horse alone!

I had to, Sergeant Bilko...

Harrigan, Zimmerman,
here, get to that gun shed,

- watch over that horse.
- Yo!

How is he? What did
you leave him alone for?

I had to! He's hungry!

Don't worry. He'll
have all the grass

he can eat in a few minutes.

Grass?! He's a thoroughbred.

He needs oats,
and plenty of 'em!

Oats, oats, oats.

- Rocco!
- Yo!

Go to my office, look through
every procurement manual,

every requisition
form, understand?

Read the small print.

You can get anything you
want in the Army, even oats.

On the double! Hey-hee!

Check!

You're all...

Don't stir around.
You're killing me.

Now look, how soon can
you have that leg finished?

Well, I start on it right away.

And I need, uh, rubbing alcohol,
liniment and, uh, bandages.

Gomez?

I want you to go
right to the dispensary,

get all the things he asked for.

Here's your order.

And we need
blankets, plenty of 'em.

Blankets. Doberman?

Go to supply.

Get me... get me,
uh, 40 blankets.

Here.

40 blankets?

Tell them you expect
relatives. Tell them anything.

On the double! Hey-hee!

Now... The rest of
you men, at all times,

I want you to be
at that gun shed.

- Patrol...
- Gun shed, Sergeant?

Yes, sir. But you see, we
have to polish that cannon, sir.

- Polish the cannon?
- You never know

- when that cannon will be shown...
- I got it!

- I got it! I got it!
- You got what?

Uh, just a
requisition form, sir.

Sergeant Bilko,
you got to sign it.

Will you rush this
through channels?

Thank you, sir.

A 46B Special?

Sergeant Bilko, I'm
very proud of you.

What'd I sign? What'd I sign?

Just like I said... A
requisition for oats.

As much as we want.

I ordered 40 bushels.

Morning, Anderson.

Well, we're in for it.

A general inspection by
General Enos J. Strait, no less.

Old Spit and Polish himself.

At a time like this.

Have you noticed the
condition of those parade...

Good!

They're finally cutting the
grass on the parade ground.

Say, that's soldiering!

They're not only
cutting the grass;

they're picking up
every single blade.

Whose outfit?

Bilko's, sir.

- Bilko?
- Uh, yes, sir.

They volunteered.

Bilko's outfit volunteered
for something?

You're right.

Now all we need to do
is get that regimental gun

- in condition and...
- Oh, that's being polished, sir.

It's being polished?

Yes, sir.

Wonderful.

Who thought of that?

Uh, Bilko, sir.

- Bilko?
- Yes, sir.

And take a look at this, sir.

A 46B Special
Volunteer Operation.

Bilko's platoon? Oats?

Uh, yes, sir. I'm
going to wire this

to the Army Experimental
Station in Tulsa.

They've been waiting
years for a chance like this.

Sir, you must be very
proud of Sergeant Bilko.

Yes, yes.

What is he up to?

Hee-hee. Attaboy.

Good boys all the time working.

There's a big boy there.

All right, work, work, work.

Good boys, good boys.

That's the way to do it. Mm-hmm.

Okey-doke.

Well, pal, all you
got to do is ask.

You wanted oats?

Oats.

They're prime Kentucky
number one, Sarge. The best.

Ernie boy, who found
that requisition form?

Rocco, you may get the
Good Conduct Medal for this.

I want these oats
down to the gun shed.

Attention!

- Doberman. Zimmerman.
- Yo! -Yo!

- Harrigan. Paparelli...
- Yo! Yo!

At ease.

Sergeant Bilko, Major Brombie
of the Medical Corps. Good luck.

Sergeant Bilko,
give me your hand.

I can't tell you how we
at the experimental lab felt

when you volunteered for
our personnel survival test.

Volunteered?

Sergeant, we've had voluntaries

where they lived on
nothing but soybeans,

barley, wheat,
but you're the first

to volunteer to live
on nothing but oats.

Live on oats?

Sir, I-I'm afraid there's
been some mistake.

Mistake?

Sergeant, didn't you sign
this volunteer requisition?

Yes, but, uh, I
didn't realize what...

I understand...
Changed your mind.

I knew it was too
good to be true.

All right, Sergeant, let's get
these oats back on the truck.

Hey, Sarge.

Would you wait a minute,
just a second, Major?

It'll only take a second.

I... I want to talk to my men.

Hey, we need these
oats for Bell Boy.

Think of the Belmont Stakes,
the Santa Anita Handicap.

Major, how many men
do you need for this test?

Just four.

Ernie?

Well, now we only need three.

- Henshaw, line up the rest of those men.
- Yo.

Oh, Sergeant, just... just
go with four volunteers.

- Okay, formation!
- This is the greatest.

I'll have your mess sergeant

start them on the
very next meal.

Ernie, please?

All right, this time,
but watch yourself.

Wait till the Pentagon
hears about this.

We're proud of you, men.

Men...

Right in here I get it
every time I look at you.

Proud to serve with you fellas.

Good fellows, good companions.

Men, I need four volunteers.

Freeze!

Freeze, you warriors.

All right.

You want to cop out, huh?

Well, I was just testing you.

It's a soft detail.
Now, you can't do it.

All right.

Any one of you men that
hasn't had a month's pass

in the last six weeks,
raise your hand.

The rest of you, dismissed.

You lucky dogs.

What's the de... what's
the detail, Sarge?

It's a cinch. All you do is
sit around, no special duty.

When it's over, you get a
month's pass on full combat pay.

All you got to do is sit
around and eat oats.

Here, sign this here.

Sign it right there.

Excuse me, Sarge...
I didn't catch that.

You sit around and do what?

Nothing. You sit right here.

You don't even
have to go to mess.

They bring it to you in here.

- Sign it right there.
- They bring what?

- Huh?
- They bring what?

Mm-oats.

Just sign right in here, then
we'll know what we're doing.

- Sign the thing...
- Uh, w-wait a minute, Sarge.

Sarge, wait, wait, wait.

What did he say? I-I... What...?

I'm not sure, but it sounded
like he wants us to eat oats.

Eat oats!

You see that?

Now you see?

You're having fun already.

Just sign here... that proves
that you volunteered to do it.

- Uh, do what?
- "Do what"?

Must you always butt
in? "Do what? Do what?"

- Eat oats. Sign it...
- See? He-He said it again.

Just sign the paper so you
have the volunteers. Right there.

Go ahead. Now, sign it.

- Sign it right there.
- Wait, wait, Sarge.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait...
- It's very simple.

You want us to eat oats?

Oats, shmoats, steaks, chops.

- What difference does it make?
- Sarge, Sarge, Sarge?

- Sign... 'Cause there comes a time...
- Sarge? Oats?!

When you're waiting
for your ship to come in

- you have to make your move.
- Uh, Sarge, oats?

Because over the rainbow,
what looks cloudy, someday is...

Sarge, did you say
you want us to eat oats?

- You're a nut!
- Whoever heard of such a...?!

- Yeah, he's crazy!
- Human beings don't eat...!

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, simmer down!

There comes a time
in every soldier's life

he's got to do something
beyond the call of duty.

Now, did you men ever think

what your share of a
million dollars is gonna be?

What about that?

Perfect! The leg is perfect!

Carter, you did it! You di...

Oh, you beautiful beast, you.

Mwa!

Oh, excuse this
display of emotion.

It's my first million, you know.

- Hey, Sarge, we got a problem.
- Yeah, I know,

with the income
tax on the million.

I figure a capital gain
is the way we'll run it.

No, Sarge, I got to start
running Bell Boy right away.

Running? Your brother'll be
here with the van from Kentucky.

It'll be too late then...
I have to run him now,

or his leg will
stiffen up again.

- Run him on the post?!
- Carter, is this a must?

Okay, he runs!

- On the post?
- Now, quiet. Listen.

4:00 for guard duty...
See that only the men

- from our platoon volunteer, right?
- Right, Sarge.

I've gone too far; I'm too
close to the door to give up now.

Paul Revere, tonight you ride.

♪♪

Jack! What is it?

Nell... d... did you
hear a horse go by?

A what?!

It's nothing, nothing.

Something I imagined.

Good night.

- How do you feel?
- Yeah, how do they taste?

All right, fellas, you
remember what the major said...

Don't contaminate 'em!

Come on!

Carter, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

23 men's future
is riding on that,

and you take that
horse into a tank trap!

But, Sarge, I told
you, it was pitch-dark,

- I couldn't see a thing.
- We'll soon fix that.

Get me Palmer. Where's Palmer?

Look at these
brave American men.

It makes you proud to know 'em.

Why, in France they'd raise
a statue to these brave boys.

- Palmer!
- What's up, Sarge?

Remember those two spotlights
you rigged up for me last winter

when I ran that all-night
canasta tournament?

Yeah, I got it off a half-track.

Eh, I ran it on an A-6 battery;
twin leads connected to the...

Is this a genius?
Is this a genius?

They make a fuss about Edison!

Listen, get me two spotlights.

Meet me down at the gun shed.

- On the double!
- Sir!

You'll have no
excuse now, all right?

All right. Mess.

Are they magnificent?

Doesn't it make you
pr... Look at those...

I don't feel good. Let
me get out of here.

Seconds, anyone?

Let's try it, Palmer.

Good, good, good. Good.

Swell!

Ah, Bell Boy, you
have been mechanized!

Palmer, you're a genius!

All right, boys,
you got it right?

Tonight... tonight we may
see a new world's record.

Post time: 4:00.

Synchronize watches.

Five, four, three, two... yep!

Here we go!

Jack! What's the matter?

Nell...

You imagined that
same horse again?

This time he had headlights!

Dear... I want you to promise me

that as soon as that
inspection is over,

you are going to take
a nice, long furlough.

I'll be all right, dear.

Good night.

Well, Carter,
what's your excuse?

Is that the best he can do,

a minute and 45
seconds for six furlongs?

A brother of Native Dancer?

Why, these men, they've been
eating oats for only four days...

They can do better than that.

Now, what do you got to say?

But, Sarge, I told you... he's
a racehorse, a thoroughbred.

They need competition,
or they won't run.

He has to be paced.

You want me to bring
another horse on the post?

What are you trying to turn
this into, a cavalry outfit?

Hey, Ernie, maybe
we could use a jeep.

Oh, butt out.

Hey, a jeep. That's
not a bad idea.

I'm glad I thought of it.

- Kadowski.
- Yo!

I want a jeep in front of the
gun shed, post time: 4:00.

All right, mess.

You know what's been
bothering me, fellas?

You think I ought to turn
down that Hialeah race?

It's only $50,000.

You lucky dogs.

Breakfast in bed.

Hey, listen, Sarge...

A jeep.

Huh? Huh?

- Nell.
- What?

You can start packing.

After this inspection,
I'm taking a furlough.

Good night, dear.

Carter, if you're smart,

you'll get yourself
transferred overseas.

- No, no, I'm sorry, Rocco.
- Don't worry, Bell Boy.

No, my mind is made up.

But Ernie, we already
spent 200 grand

for that breeding
farm in Kentucky.

What do we need another
one in Maryland for?

For the yearlings!

- Sergeant Bilko?
- Please, kid.

Not only do we
have a breeding farm,

it keeps us near our
main offices in New York.

- Sergeant Bilko?
- Now... Will you, please?

Then we've got
to get the acreage

to raise our own
oats in Canada, right?

- Then we got...
- Sergeant, this is important.

"This is important."
How do you like...?

I got to figure out
whether I want Arcaro

or Atkinson to ride Bell Boy
in the Arlington Handicap.

I got to figure out what to do
with the acreage in Canada.

- Sergeant...
- He's got something important.

Bell Boy will never
be able to run.

Sell the acreage farm, get
rid of the breeding farm. We...

Never be able to what?!

Sergeant, Bell Boy has
an incurable bowed tendon.

Look, talk English.
What are you saying?

Sergeant, Bell Boy will
never be able to race.

You're a little upset,
Carter. Now, take it easy.

There's two ways
of saying "never."

You know, "never"...
and "never!"

Which one is it?

Never!

There goes the dream.

$100,000 purses,
breeding farm...

You got me into this, Carter.

You know what I ought
to do to you? I ought to...

Hey, Sarge, the Colonel.

- The Colonel!
- The Colonel!

- Get this horse out of here.
- Oh, come on, come on.

Not this way. That way.

- The other way.
- Clean this up.

Get-Get the odor out
of here, get the smell.

- Get moving!
- Act nonchalant.

Just go, take care of it...

Get... Swish it around!

Get every...

At ease.

Trouble, Bilko.

I just got word the
general is on his way.

His usual surprise attack.

I'm checking everything.

Thank heaven you've
got this gun polished.

Let's take a look at it.

Bilko! What's the
meaning of this?

You've had crews
working on this gun.

What's that smell in here?

Sir, sir, General Strait
has just arrived on the post.

- He's here?
- Yes, sir.

Oh, no. Look, I've got
to change my uniform.

Escort him to the guesthouse
for visiting personnel.

Uh, the guesthouse, sir?

Yes, the guesthouse!

Bilko, get this mess cleaned up.

Hey, go... Ooh!

Get busy on that cannon!

You heard the colonel.

Let's be proud of
our work in here.

Get that gun polished.

Show the colonel we got
an interest in this thing.

- Get it in there!
- At ease.

Holy smoke, boy,

this military life is
too much for me.

- Gee, that was a close one.
- You...

the minute your brother
gets here with that van,

get that horse off the post!

- Right.
- Did you hide the horse?

Oh, he's safe. We
got him in a place

nobody's been
near for six months.

- Where?
- In the guest cottage.

The guest cottage?!

Ernie, what's the
matter? What did I...?

That's where they
brought the general.

We got to get the horse
out of there. On the double!

Oh!

Fellas!

Please!

Platoon, ho!

I'll take that.

Yes, General.

Where's Colonel Hall?

I'll get him, sir.

General Strait?

Sergeant Bilko, sir.

I do hope you enjoy
your stay at Fort Baxter.

Thank you.

Sir?

Is there anything we can do to
make you more comfortable, sir?

No, thank you.

Sir?

Would you like one of my men
to help you with your bags, sir?

I'll do it myself.

Sir?

Now what?

Oh, would it be advisable
for one of my men

to check in there to see...?

Sergeant, that's my job...

To see that everything on
this post is militarily correct.

And if it isn't, you will be
among those who will be told,

I assure you.

Well, that does it.

What do you figure we get?

I don't know.

General on inspection
finds a horse in his bedroom.

Uh... way I figure it,

restricts the whole post to
quarters for a month or so.

I get broken down to private.

No, no. You got a good record.

They break you to corporal.

Corporal?

The colonel will be a corporal.

Attention!

Bilko?

Yes. Yes, Corporal...
Uh, Colonel.

Is, uh, General
Strait still inside?

Yes, sir.

Uh, is he alone?

Well, it's the way
you look at it, Colonel.

What is he talk...?

I'm going in. Anderson.

Here goes.

General Strait.

Colonel Hall.

Welcome to Fort Baxter, General.

I hope you enjoy
your... General...

is there something wrong?

Colonel...

are you responsible
for that horse in there?

General, I'm responsible
for everything on this post.

Jack!

I've spent my military
life living by the book.

He called me Jack.

But when an old comrade
goes to all this trouble

just to remind me of
those wonderful old days

we spent together
in the cavalry,

I guess I'm just a
sentimental old fool, after all.

The minute I hit this post,
I recognized that certain...

air... of those days gone by,

before mechanization.

Jack, this is going to
be a happy inspection.

Let's go!

He called me Jack!

I wonder if the general would
like to buy a horse cheap.

Carter was played
by Bob Shawley,

Henshaw by Allan Melvin,

and Mullen was
portrayed by Jack Healy.