The Osbournes Want to Believe (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fairies Wear Boots - full transcript

Do you want to do
the slatey slate?

For mum.
Ladies first, ladies first.

- Oh. Okay.
- [ laughs ]

jack: We may be the first family
of darkness,

but not all of us are true
believers in the paranormal.

They want to believe.

Has a ghost ever been
caught on film?

Yes.

And I have the evidence
that will blow their mind.

[ laughing ]

I think you're starting
to believe.



Seeing is believing.

- Whoa.
- What is happening?

Oh, god, no.

♪♪

Ozzy: [ laughing ]

bear.

Oh, [bleep] no.

Bear.

I was there when he was born.

Jack: Bear is my bear.
I've had, since I was...

The day you were born.
Before you were born.

We bought replicas,
for when we've lost him.

But he would [bleep] know.

Of course I knew the replicas.



The day you were born,
I put him in your crib.

He still sleeps in my bed.

And when I die, I'm actually
going to haunt this bear.

No, you have to do
what the egyptians do.

Bury it? No, I want
to get cremated, though.

Take him with you.

[bleep] egyptians. Let's go.

All right. Are you guys
ready to believe again?

Absolutely.

Turn me on, son. Turn me on.

Oh, that's her job, not mine.

[ record needle scratches,
rimshot ]

I mean, well.

So do you guys believe
in fairies?

- No.
- No?

No.

Well, this is probably
some of the only video evidence

that fairies might exist
and it's from England.

It's not the fairies
in the forest one again, is it?

No, it's not that clear. No.
It's a fairy in boots.

Going home, late last night.
Suddenly, I caught a fright.

See, you believe.
You wrote a song about it.

[ laughs ]

♪ going home, late last night ♪

all right, so here we go.

Here is a video
of an alleged fairy.

Frogs, tadpoles, and water.

Jack: So this family in England,

were picking apples near
the town of bournemouth.

Bournemouth.

Yeah. Close to your old hood.

Big apples. Very big apples.

Man: They're still on it.

Jack: Everything seemed to be
going just fine,

then all of a sudden,

one of the kids spotted
something very odd in a tree.

- What's that?
- Yeah, look.

- What's what?
- There.

There, look. Right up there.

It's an insect or something.

- Oh, my god.
- Ugh.

Jack: I mean, look at them
high tail out of there.

[ laughs ]

the kids, oh, my god. [ laughs ]

I'd probably do the same.

You can really see how weird,
whatever this thing is,

when you slow the footage down.

Look, those are legs and wings.

Those are not
normal insect legs.

They have, like,
muscle definition.

I like that.

I like it, too.

It's quaint. It's kind of nice.
That actually
makes me homesick.

- It makes you homesick?
- Yeah.

Why because you miss the kids
go, "oh my god."

running away. - Oh, my god.

Do you think it actually
could be a fairy?

No. Got no boots on so...

And he wasn't dancing
with a dwarf.

How would you have responded
if you saw that?

Same as the kid.
"oh my god." and run.

Absolutely.

Would you bite it's head off?

That's a cute film.
I liked that film.

Yeah. Problem is,
if I showed my kids that,

they would lose their mind.

Pearl sat on my lap
while I was reviewing

these videos, the other day,
hasn't slept in her bed since.

- No.
- She is terrified.

Oh, jack. Did she see this one?

She hasn't seen the fairy one.

I'm going to have
to show show her, though.

The next thing you know,
she's going to be like,

"I want a fairy." - [ laughs ]

so on the jack osbourne,
woogie boogie scale of scary,

one being the least scary...
- Mm-hmm.

...10 being the most.

Where would you
categorize this clip?

I would put that at a four.

A four?

Just because it's from
bournemouth, England,

and the kids are so cute,
I'd say a nine.

Because they're so cute.

But that's, no. That's not
the woogie boogie scale, though.
Oh, right. Okay.

That's the cute
and fluffy scale.

- Three.
- A three.

Why'd you even more out here?

- What?
- Because we love america.

I get homesick
when I see things like that.

Yeah. You don't get homesick

when you see your tax bill,
in England. [ laughs ]

for this next clip,
I'm going to need a prop.

A prop?

Let me get my prop.

Oh, he's got a rocking chair.

That's robert's rocking chair.

Did he come with
a rocking chair?

- Yeah.
- Shut [bleep].

- Jack, you're joking.
- No.

All right, so this next clip

is about a haunted
ventriloquist doll.

Oh!

[ speaks indistinctly ]

didn't they make a movie
about that?

Yes.

[ rimshot ]

haunted wood.

All right.
Next up. Haunted wood.

[ rimshot, crickets chirping ]

um, moving on.

So back in world war ii, a u.S.
Private named billy booth,

was held in a german pow camp.

While he was there,
he made a ventriloquist puppet

to entertain
his fellow prisoners.

He named it mr. Fritz.

- Mr. Prick?
- Fritz.

Private booth, unfortunately,
died in the camp.

But mr. Fritz
was somehow preserved

and was bought by collector
in liverpool,

named michael diamond.

After noticing some
strange activity in his house,

he set up a security camera.

Here is what
the camera revealed.

♪♪

Now watch the controls
in the base of the neck.

♪♪

Do you plan on haunting your
ventriloquist doll when you die?

- No.
- [ laughs ]

because I'm going to haunt bear.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to put a bit
of my soul in bear,

and I'm just
going to have him...

He's going to be like me
in the middle of the night,

going down to the kitchen
and getting some...

...Opening up the fridge.

- [ bleep ]
- having a snack.

- You don't need [bleep].
- This is all insane.

What? So the doll...

It's haunted by the guy
who made it.

That's what they think.

It's looking pretty authentic,
to be honest with you.

That's pretty freaky footage.

Chicken wire.

Does his eyes move?

Yeah.

Who made that? Oh, [bleep] hell.

Who made that?

Some [bleep].

You know who made it.
We had it...

One for slash, and one for ozzy,
and they did a ventriloquist

act together on the...
- Reloaded.

See, my job's never done,
you [bleep].

Well, when you die, dad,

I'm going to take this out
on the road,

I'm just going to,
I'm going to take...

[ laughter ]

um, okay.

It's actually quite frightening.

I think it's a ghost.

That was his only way
of surviving.

Getting out.

Oh, did he die in the camp?

- Yeah.
- Oh, dear.

How would you rate that clip
on a woogie boogie scale?

Nine.

Oh, a nine. You said nine?

I say three.

Say goodbye to your friend.

All right.

♪♪

Jack: This one is [bleep] cool.
A ufo overtakes a military jet.

Look at that!

Who took the picture?

- It's a video.
- The video.

[ laughs ]

♪♪

Do you believe
this house is haunted?

I've always felt weird here.
Not saying I want to move.

Because I don't. I'm fed up
with [bleep] moving around.

I wouldn't mind moving.

I know you wouldn't, darling.

We've been here
more than three years now.

Should've bought
a [bleep] caravan.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

I wouldn't mind
living in a trailer.

We could just keep
driving and moving.

A [bleep] trailer?
You in a trailer?

I don't think so, darling.
- Why?

It would have to be
a pretty damn big trailer.

About the size of national park.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

have you guys ever seen
anything weird

when flying,
like looked out the window?
No, I haven't.

- Nope.
- Really?

No, I don't like
looking out the window.

Why? You don't like realizing
you're 35,000 feet in the air?

- Yeah.
- Flying is terrifying.

You know when the pilot goes,
"if you look at the right side

of the plane,
there's blah, blah, blah."

I'm like, "no thanks."

and you're the worst
to fly with,

because what I'm trying to
sleep, you're always going,

"so anyway, I was down
at the shops the other day,"

and I'm like, "uh-huh."
and you're like,

"no, no, but you have to..."
and I'm like,

"I'm just trying to sleep."

talk about probably the worst,
was when you flew to mexico,

and forgot your passport,

and had to sit on a plane
for 24 hours.
Right, yeah.

Wouldn't let me off the plane.

- You won't do that again.
- Nope.

All right.

This is a ufo
overtakes a military jet.

Where was this?

In the sky.

Yes, dad is correct.
It was in the sky.

It was in the skies
of new hampshire.

So this guy sees these two
things flying close together,

realized one was a jet,

and then realized
the other wasn't.

So we started recording it.

Food for thought on how fast,

whatever we're looking at,
is going.

Fighter jets can fly really,
really fast.

And that ufo is catching
right up to it.
Wow.

♪♪

What's your thoughts?

That's pretty interesting film.

But then again, it's film.
I don't know.

I'm wondering if it was
like a test,

like they were testing
some new aircraft or something.

They're always testing
these rockets and things.
Yeah.

Again, it's the light.

- Mm.
- Round.

Yeah, the bowl of light.

It could be a military thing

or testing some [bleep] rockets.

I think it was bear
in a spaceship.

[ laughs ]

on the woogie boogie scale,
what would you rate it?

Five.

Yeah, I'll agree.

Yeah. So there's a big,
ever since the roswell crash,

a lot of people believe
that most of our technology

has come
from reverse engineering

ufo spacecraft and technology.

I always said to you...

You'd go, "what the [bleep]
is that?" you know?

Oh, god, yeah.

By the time you see in the sky,

it's been around
for 30 years or something.

Yeah. So the big thing is,
is this huge technological

leap come from us
having alien technology?

Do you think, jack,
that it's reverse technology?
I think it could be.

I think a lot of our technology
has come from...

I do. Like I think,

but I don't think
it's technology

that we've really seen in,

or that we've been
really aware of.

You know, like those places,
jack,

where they have those
huge telescopes,

like in hawaii and that? - Yeah.

I wonder if those guys
ever see anything.

I think they do.

And I think that it's just,
you don't say [bleep].

Remember when we were
in that place

and we were looking up
in the sky?
Yes.

Then we see all these things
coming in.

I saw a lot of things
coming in there...

[ speaks indistinctly ]

[bleep] meterorites or what.

There was a lot of [bleep]
coming into these.

All right. So this a ufo
takes over a commercial jet.

So this is eight months
after the last clip.

Another ufo was spotted
in saltillo, mexico,

flying close
to a commercial jet.

And again,
it eventually overtakes it.

It's moving ridiculously fast.

If that was in the front
of the plane,

the [bleep] pilot
would've saw it, wouldn't he?

And did he report it?

So, there was no
documented sightings

at the time of this incident.

But that doesn't mean
it didn't happen.

You know very well that pilots
are asked to keep things,

hush, hush sometimes.

That definitely happens.

♪♪

I don't know, it's something.

Who took the picture?

- It's a video...
- A video.

And someone on the ground
noticed like,

"what's that
following the plane?"

if he saw it on the ground,

and it was in front
of the plane,

the pilot would've saw it,
wouldn't he?

Yes, theoretically.
And he would've
said something...

But what if it was down low?

Like what if it was in front
of the plane here,

and the pilot can't see
that far over the nose?

So it could have
just been like...

Well, I don't know.

It could be something
from this earth. I don't know.

So ufo following airplanes,
do we believe?

- No.
- Okay.

Five. It's something
following the plane.

Something there in the sky.
A ufo?

Maybe, but I think it's some
test plane or aurora thing.

I don't know.

I'm open to it.

You're open to it. All right.

- Mm-hmm.
- Open-minded.

Yes, I am.

You know what they said
mermaids were?

Dolphins.
They used to follow the...

- Boats and they sing.
- Boats.

But then, all the fishermen
used to have sex with them.

[ imitating dolphin ]

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

♪♪

Daddy, look at bear.
Look at his neck.

Poor bear.

Poor bear?
He's living the best life ever.

He's in bed all day.
Cuddled nightly.

Gets to hang out with kids,
sometimes.

- Do they love him?
- Yeah.

Hmm, bear.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

well, this next clip is
a ghostly figure in the water.

Now this one is weird.

My first instinct is to be like,
"no, that's just trash."

but we'll play it
a couple times.

- Okay.
- And it's very odd.

Now the woman that recorded it,
was unaware that...

I bet you she does because
she's on a vacation.

I wish we were on vacation.

Oh, stop.

We left our house in 1973.

♪♪

This one took place in isabella,
which is a city in puerto rico.

They have these rivers
that people can pay

and they go floating down.

Woman: Whoo!

This lady was on
one of these rafts,

and turn the camera around
and saw this.

♪♪

There's like someone
in the water.

That would freak me out.

That looks like
somebody drowned.

♪♪

Here's the reason
why I don't think

it's somebody who had drowned.

Because the story never would
have got to this stage.

It would have immediately
been put to rest,

if a body had been found
or reported missing.

♪♪

Mum looks disturbed.

Yeah.

Does that look like
a dead person to you?

If I was to see that,
I would say

that was someone
who drowned under water.

And I would report it
to the police.

Sure she would have heard
if someone had drowned there.

But it looks like
they're moving, though.

- That's the thing.
- Yeah, it does, it does.

I've never heard
of a swimming ghost.
No.

It's somebody swimming
or somebody drowned.

I don't think it's a ghost.

I think it's a mermaid.

You know what they said
mermaids were?

Dolphins. - Really?

- They used to follow the...
- The boats and they sing.

Yes, and then all the fishermen
used to have sex with them.

[ record needle scratches ]
- I know, I know.

Okay, let's stay on...

I'm not ready to find out about

how fishermen would
[bleep] dolphins.

No, no, no. Mum's always
into those macabre...

No, it was pirates did.

How the [bleep] are
they going to date a [bleep].

Well, they don't date them.

They just [bleep] them
and got back on the ship.

Nobody said
about going to dinner.

Excuse me, [bleep] skippy.

[ laughs ]

you mind if I shove this
thing in the orifice?

[ imitating dolphin ]

[ laughs ]

oh, my god. All right.

So it's definitely not a dolphin
that a pirate [bleep].
Okay.

It's definitely not a mermaid.
Because mermaids aren't real.

Well, that's a dolphin.

- But okay. So that's a dolphin.
- Right.

It could be trash,
like underwater.

No, I don't think it's trash.

It looked like somebody
swimming underwater, or drowned.

Okay. Do you think it could be
a ghost of a drowning victim?

- They have found...
- No, no, no ghost.

A person that's under the water,
not breathing.

But they have found dolphins
in rivers.

Will you [bleep] shut up
about [bleep] dolphins?

Woogie boogie scale.

No, they have pink dolphins
that go in rivers.

- Yes, they do.
- Did you know that?

Yes. The amazonian pink...

[bleep] pink dolphin. To me...

And weren't they in puerto rico?

Pretty close-ish.
They speak the same language.

They don't, actually.
Puerto rico, they speak spanish.

- Come on. Come on, come on.
- Okay.

My dad's begging you.
Can we just continue?

A woogie boogie scale?
What would you put it at?

- Seven.
- Four.

Okay.

I've never heard of it
underwater ghost.

I think it was a body stuffed
in a suitcase,

and it was coming out
of the suitcase.

This is dark.

Dressed as a dolphin?

Dressed as a pirate...
Dolphin dressed as a pirate.

- A dolphin dressed as a pirate.
- It was drowning.

You're dressed as a dolphin,
dressed as a pirate.

Who is drowning in a canal.

Who's [bleep] a pirate.

Who's [bleep] a pirate.

It's true, though, you know,
jack?

Yes, mum, I know.

How the [bleep]...
Back in the day, sharon,

how the [bleep]
would a pirate in a sailboat go,

"oh, look,
there's a [bleep] mermaid."

- because they're friendly.
- "I'm going to [bleep] that."

no, they would follow boats
for days, and days. And so...

Yeah, but darling,
the [bleep] dolphin's gonna go,

"hi, pirate."

you've been to savannah,
georgia?

No.

She has, she doesn't remember.

Okay.

Is it nice in savannah?

It's considered one of the most

kind of haunted
cities in america.
Mm-hmm.

Savannah
was a big civil war town.

Yes. There's a couple of big
battles, like all around there.

But this, is a video.
It's a ghost captured on camera.

Pretty convincing.

That is
the colonial park cemetery.

It is one of the oldest
cemeteries in savannah,

and there's been lots
of paranormal activity

reported at that location.

So the guy filming was just
taking it all in,

observing the history,
as you do.

When all of a sudden,
out of nowhere,

what looks to be a ghost
of a small child

just starts running
through the tombstones.

Man: Hold on.

He obviously was shaken up.

So what do you think? - No.

Okay, so before you say no,
just hang on and watch this.

♪♪

So it seems to almost
fly up a tree,

and then eventually falls down
and disappears into thin air.

♪♪

I didn't see him
climb up the tree.

Did you see it clearly?

Well, you see,
he just goes behind it

and then you see something
shoot down out of the tree.

I'll play it again.

Look, he goes up,

and eventually
drops down and poof, gone.

I don't know.

The thing that makes it weird
for me is that it...

Okay, it looks like
just a kid running around.

But why would a kid
be running around,

by himself, in a cemetery?

Climbing trees like [bleep]
spider-man.

I don't know. But I tell you
that's a fool.

The people that walk past,
you can see them quite clearly.

Yeah. If you notice, too,

the people that are walking,
they look...
don't see him.

They don't pay attention
to him, but they also...

So you're thinking this could
have been doctored?

Like a...
- Nine times out of 10, yeah.

Okay. If it's not a ghost,

do you think
it's just a kid screwing around?

That isn't that convincing
to me.
Yeah.

He looks ghostly, but then
again, it could be fake.

Solidified.

Okay. What are you?
I think you kind of...

I think you want to believe.

- I'm not sure.
- Could this be an osbourne?

What would you give it?

Four.

All righty. Moving on.

Now, this next clip is from when
I was doing an investigation

at the lalaurie mansion,
in new orleans.

It's that place we went to.

This house has a rich
history of hauntings.

Oh, when I went there, I thought
it was a load of old bollocks.

We had some stuff happen
there, though,

that was a bit different
from when we were there.

The ghosts were at [bleep]
mardi gras when we were there.

[ laughs ]

♪♪

So you think there's an actual
body in the water?

Okay. Fair enough. Moving on.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

♪♪

All right. Here we are.
We are back.

Are you guys ready
to believe again?

- I am ready.
- She's had time to convert me.

All right.
We're at the halfway mark.

So do or die.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

this next clip is a ghost
that interrupts dinner.

Oh.

Okay, so this took place
a couple years ago,

and this couple is just
sitting in their kitchen,

having a bit of dinner,
no big deal.

Then something caught their eye
on their security camera feed.

The guy rushes over
to get a closer look,

and the woman follows,
and this is what they saw.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

So what makes this really
credible for me,

is that the woman in this video

actually works in
law enforcement

in the state of new mexico.

She would have had an awful lot
to lose if this was a hoax.

I don't think she's faking it.
What about you guys?

♪♪

It walks like
it's a human walking.

Yes, but when you keep
going over and over...

Aren't most of them
digital, though?

I don't know
if that applies with digital.

Oh, I don't know.
I'm just saying.

This one five for me.

It's five for you? All right.

Let's say it's not a ghost.
What do you think it could be?

So you think it could be
a double exposed footage?

Mum? I think you're
starting to believe.

I think...

I don't know what it is.

♪♪

That's what I think.

♪♪

Do you think
it's a ghost or not?

I don't know.

So it could be a ghost then?

If you had a choice,
you say ghost or not ghost.

What would you say?

Yes or no.

Ish. No.

No. Okay.

Do you believe in ghosts, jack?

I do, but I think there's...
It's not what we think it is.

- Okay.
- I actually think primarily...

I do think that there is
some cases

where there is an intelligent
entity coming through, some way.

I actually...

I think that's a part of it.

But I actually think
that primarily,

we're encountering
some unknown energy source,

which is causing hallucinations.

So you know people that live
under power lines,

they'll get headaches?

What if there's... we just
don't know how to like...

We didn't know
how to detect radiation.

But also, animals can
sense things that we can't.

They learned it to build things.

We forgot to use things.

Yeah. Like, you know,
we have senses.

You know when...
Have you ever felt

like someone's
creeping up behind you,

and you turn around and someone
is creeping up behind you?

That's because we have
these ability to...

[ crickets chirping ]

yeah.
So, I do believe in ghosts.

I just think that
there's different categories

as to what a ghost is.

Now, this next clip is from when
I was doing an investigation

at the lalaurie mansion
in new orleans.

It's that place we went to.

Oh, when I went there, I thought
it was a load of old bollocks.

We had some stuff
happen there, though,

that was a bit different
from when we were there.

The ghosts were at [bleep]
mardi gras when we were there.

[ laughs ]

we use different gear,
when we're doing ghost hunts.

We use one bit of gear
called sls imaging.

It's technology from
video games that maps people.

So you ever see those games
where you don't actually use

a controller,
it can just see you?
Mm-hmm.

Well, that technology is
designed to

recognize humans by...

It's got like 16 different
points that basically says,

"that's a human
and not a chair."

so we'll use that sometimes,

and the theory is that the laser
grid can pick up entities.

Very much fringe science,
very theoretical.

And then we also use this gear

called a ghost box or a geoport.

And this will take sound,

and scramble up am and fm radio.

And the thought is that ghosts
can manipulate it to tell...

- Talk.
- To talk through. Exactly.

♪♪

I should mention why we went
here in the first place.

This house has a rich history
of hauntings.

And it's probably as a result
from the alleged tortures

that took place here.

In the early 1800s,
this place was owned

by the notorious
madame lalaurie.

Simply put, an evil person.

She'd not only own slaves,

she actually brutally
killed many of them.

During our investigation,

we weren't sure who was
going to come through.

But when we set up
our ghost box,

we definitely got something.

Katrina: Can you use this device
to talk to us?

♪♪

So look, that's katrina there,

but it's picking up
something in the chair.

Okay.

So we use this special
technology

that is used
to map human bodies.

And then we started
asking questions.

And it could definitely see us.

If you can see all of these
people in this kitchen,

the ones that are dressed
like me,

how many of us are there?

♪♪

- It just said nine.
- It just said nine.

Did it really?
Are there nine people here?

♪♪

There are nine people here.

That's a good little trick.

♪♪

So it, you know,

there was something that
kept appearing in the chair,

and then when we asked
the ghost box,

"how many people are here?"

it said nine,
and there were nine of them.

Nine.
And there were nine people.
Yeah.

Did you feel to anything
in the house?

Oh, yeah. That place
freaked me out.

We had a couple crazy things.

A candle blew out at one point,

just, like,
right in front of us.

It didn't even blow out.

Lit the candle and all
of a sudden they just went...

The flame just vanished,
it didn't blow.

Mm-hmm. Just gone.

Yeah. You know when a candle
runs out of wax?
Yeah. Yeah.

And it goes to the bottom
and then the flame just...

That's essentially what it did.

It was the weirdest thing.
We were like, "huh?"

and we heard, like, intelligent
tapping on the walls.

- Is it a big place?
- Yeah, it's pretty big.

- Looks like a nice place.
- Yeah.

But it's supposed to be the most
haunted house in america.

And because during
the slave time

the person that owned
the house already made,

if I remember it right,
kept slaves in the attic.

And they'd torture them and do
all kinds of [bleep] things.

Yeah. What triggered it was

that she kept going
to, like, the slave market.

And she kept,
over a period of time,

she kept buying new slaves.

And everyone was like,
well, where...

What are you doing
with all of these slaves?

Yeah, where are they?
And so the police were called

and because it still was illegal
to murder your slaves,

though granted they didn't
necessarily enforce it...

They used to kill them, but if
it was blatant, I suppose.

Yeah. Whatever it was, the cops
turned up and were like,

"what the hell is going on?
Why have you acquired

nine new slaves in such
a short amount of time?"

and she made up some excuse
of like,

"oh, one went
to my other property

and the other this that."

and so it kind of put her
on the radar with the cops.

And then there was a fire,
and when the fire happened

they uncovered
these atrocious conditions,

and they found bodies in
the well and things like that.

So she was just murdering
them all?

Yeah. They kind of consider her
the first female serial killer

in american history.

With all that history
it wouldn't surprise me

that people have the experience
where you'd think that...

On a one to 10 scale
I'll put that as a eight.

Oh, an eight? Okay.

I'll take that
on the woogie boogie scale.

Did you spend the night there?

Yeah. We spent a lot
of time there.

We were there for three days.

If all that horrible things
had gone on in a house,

I believe that a house
holds energy.

- Mm-hmm.
- I do.

Yes, I do.

I want you to have something
checked about this house

because I've got a really
weird feeling in this house.

I'm telling you that.

I can have someone come do it.

This woman, michelle,

I can have her come do
a cleansing of the house.

- Oh, that'll be good. Yeah.
- She runs...

She knows all
the right dolphins.

She's a bit fishy. [ laughs ]

come on, let's get on with this.

Yeah, I'm laughing
at my own joke.

What was the movie where they
had the reptile

and she had sex with him, too?

Oh, [bleep].

What was that movie?

It was the dumbest [bleep]
film ever and it won oscars.

♪♪

What do you need, jack?

Get me a dolphin.

If you get a dolphin,
would you guess he's got a mate?

Jack, do you remember when we
went swimming with the dolphins?

Yeah, I went recently.

Did it get fruity?

- No.
- Okay.

It didn't get fruity.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

♪♪

There's me and mama
in the house.

It went down, I went, "oh, no."

halfway in between...

Getting stuck in the elevator,
can you imagine?

I was going, this is going
to be a bad thing, man.

Come on, let's go, next one.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

have you guys ever heard
about the theory

of the reptilian humanoids?
They appeared...

- What?
- Reptilian humanoids.

Now, what was the movie
where they had the reptile

and she had him
living in the bath

and she had sex with him, too?

Oh, [bleep].

No, what was the movie?

What was that movie?

- "aquaman."
- no.

- Yeah, it was like...
- No.

It was the dumbest [bleep]
film ever, and it won oscars.

But it's about a reptilian...

Yeah. It's about a woman
who's [bleep] her pet lizard.

- What's it?
- Yeah, fish.

- Yeah, fishman.
- "the shape of water."

- shape of the water.
- "shape of water."

oh, my god. What a [bleep].

That was the biggest load of
bollocks I ever saw in my life.

And everyone was like,
"it's so irreverent."

you know what?
It was a cool looking film.

The special effects were great.
But the moment she...

The storyline was [bleep].

- She had a rubber suit on!
- But she [bleep]...

If I had one of them,
I'd sell tickets!

[ cash register bell dings ]

all right.
So a reptilian humanoids,

they've appeared in folklore
fiction and conspiracy theories.

Some believe
they are mutated reptiles...
no, next.

Like lizardman found
in the south.

No.

Some think that they are some
strange, like if dinosaurs...

- Well, you know something...
- Like a crocodile.

If I was an alien, I would live
in the ocean if I could.

But yeah, it's great. It's full
of all sorts of deliciousness.

But how do we know that aliens
don't live under the ocean?

We're not talking about aliens,

we're talking
about lizard people.

Just a thought.

Okay, what's next? Put it on.

Man: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

So these two guys
that you see here,

they were on a little biking
adventure together,

just a few hours
outside of bangkok,

in a city named hua hin.

Man: Are we there? Are we there?

They eventually get to the top
of this remote mountaintop.

Hello!

There is no reason
for anyone else to be up there.

There's literally
nothing around.

What the [bleep] that?

And then they hear
something strange.

Sounds like a dolphin.

Enough with the dolphins!

You're obsessed
with dolphins today.

All right, just telling you.

They went for a closer luck
and saw this.

♪♪

It looks like a giant
reptile-like creature.

Watch it again in slow motion.

And if I stop it right here,

you can see this enormous
reptilian-like hand.

♪♪

How weird is that?

It looks odd, I must admit.
But I don't [bleep] know.

The guy that shot that has now
basically devoted his life

into researching
what the hell he saw.

And he's moved to the area,
he's, like, given up his job

and is like,
all he does is research...
that.

...That and what the [bleep]
it was

and where did it come from,
and so...

Do they grow marijuana there?

It is thailand, so probably.

Now, there's also,
with the reptilian humanoids,

there is a conspiracy theory

that they actually
run the world.

Like the queen of England
is a reptilian.

Who says that?

Conspiracy theorists.

Duke of edinburgh.

[ laughs ]

that's such an old english joke.
The duke of edinburgh.

[ mock laughing ]

[ laughs ]

so where would you rate
that clip

on the scale of woogie boogie?

- Four.
- Four?

Well, I'd give it a four.

Okay. If it's not
a reptilian humanoid,

what do you think it is?

Somebody swimming.

But it wasn't in the water.

- Somebody, what else?
- No!

- Oh, I thought it was...
- It was up a mountain.

Where did he [bleep]
disappear to then?

Behind a bush.

Well, he didn't go to [bleep]
buckingham palace,

that's for sure, mind you.

The queen of England's
a reptile. [ laughs ]

next.

This was shot by a friend
of mine, a guy named ben.

He was in the fbi
and he retired out of the fbi

and became
a paranormal investigator.

You can bump the fence or just
knock the water bottle off.

Now hold on a minute,
because why did they think

that that museum
that houses trains was haunted?

Because he was
a flying scotsman.

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

♪♪

Ugh.

[ yawns ]

ha, ha.

♪♪

Hee, hee.

Oh, [bleep].

♪♪

[ thunder cracks,
ozzy laughs maniacally ]

all right, this is
the final clip.

This was shot by a friend
of mine, a guy named ben.

Ben is a retired, uh,

he was in the fbi
and he retired out of the fbi

and became
a paranormal investigator.

Very credible,

does not mince his words,
he's really like,

he will call
something [bleep]...

We are seeing a clip

from when he was
investigating in australia

and a bottle of water
gets thrown by a ghost.

♪♪

I wonder if that experience
in australia...

[ speaks indistinctly ]

♪♪

So this footage was taken
at the national railway museum

in port adelaide, australia.

So here's my friend ben,

who's there leading
a ghost hunt.

He put a water bottle
on a railing

just to see if it would attract
some kind of ghostly activity.

You can come and bump it.

You can bump the fence or just
knock the water bottle off.

♪♪

It's been set up.

But if you notice nobody
is touching the fence.

Now watch the bottle.

It's not somebody with a [bleep]
bit of freak wires.

I don't think ben would
fake this.

I know ben would not fake this.

But they're all
about a foot away.

I got chills, oh, my god.

♪♪

No, I don't believe it,
it's a bit of fish wire or...

What did ben say
it felt like or...

He freaked out.

If you see he's like,
"I got chills."

he says that in the footage,
but yeah.

[ speaks indistinctly ] three.

A three on
the woogie boogie scale?

- Yeah.
- Mum?

- Four.
- Four? Okay. Interesting.

If it wasn't a ghost moving it
or some kind of entity,

what do you think,
do you think it just...

It either slipped up or somebody
was set to fall itself.

Okay.

If I saw that I'd go, "oh, no,
the bottle fell off the fence,

let me put it back on again."
I wouldn't even think of it.

Would you think
it was a dolphin?

Well, you've looked like
a dolphin's [bleep]

in a bowl.

Now hold on a minute,
because why did they think

that that museum
that houses trains was haunted?

It's a known location.

Because he was a flying
scotsman.

With a dolphin on its back?

Yeah.

Shagging a pirate.

- Argh.
- Argh, argh, argh.

And a patch on.

Well.

The dolphin had to wear a patch

after the pirate's
looking at it.

You know what?
You guys are perverts.

So overall, how are we feeling?
Are we convinced?

Are we moving the ball
down the field a little bit?

I'm skeptical.
I'm a bit of a skeptic.

Just some of the footage
that you shown me, I go...

All right.

Some of them [bleep] airplanes
being chased by [bleep] ducks

so I don't really think...

All right, so we'll just
pick it up next time.

- Yep.
- Yep.

All right. Onward.
Let's go get dinner.

All right.

So if you at home have
any spooky clips,

make sure you hashtag
osbournesbelieve

and we'll be sure
to check it out.

Excuse me, [bleep] skippy.

Hi, pirate.

- Let's go get dinner!
- [ laughs ]

is that a dolphin?

[ panting ]

man: All aboard the crazy train!

[ ozzy laughs ]

that was the biggest load
of bollocks

I ever saw in my life.

Where was this?

In the sky.

See you next week! Whoo.