The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 6 - Doomsday - full transcript

Hey, everybody! It's closing time
You don't gotta go home but you can't stay here.
Closing time!
Every office needs an end-of-the-day tradition
Something to tell you the day's over.
Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day.
It's weird
Closing time!
W, R, K
One last call for alcohol so...
No, it's W, R, K as in kitten?
...so finish your whiskey or beer!
Oh, my boss is singing Closing Time,
maybe that's what you're hearing
Come on, Pam
Closing time!
Time for you to go home to the places you will be from
Let's see Andy has been manager for 105 days,
which means I've heard Closing Time 105 times
Still don't know the words
Home and home and home
I know who I want to take me home!
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home
You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys
but if you don't want to sing, no traditions
Closing time!
Every new beginning...
I never heard that song before and once I heard it I did not care for it.
But that song means it's time to go home.
Now, it's my favourite song
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
Good night
This report is atrocious Who's your favourite Iron Chef?
You go first
The ticketing software paints a picture
of a sloppy, careless error-prone office.
Well, the monitoring software is a double-edged sword.
Sometimes the
Sorry. Go ahead
Mmm-hmm
Did you need something from us?
Yes
Your attention because...
No. That is all
Last night I dreamed that the number two
was the most valued number in the world.
The Vice President had all the power,
athletes fought for silver medals,
women were considered the best gender.
And stadiums of fans shouted, "We're number two!"
As with all my dreams, I'm guessing
it was about my fear of immigrants
Last week, an accounting mistake resulted in
a client getting their order for free
Ho! That's not good
Chalk that one up to "Tweedle-Dee' and "Tweedle-Dum" out there
Who are they? They're both Kevin
Oscar's the Sex and the City gang,
and Angela, if you can
Andy, sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
I would agree with that
Simply end the mistakes
End the mistakes. Easy
When I come back next week, and this report shows me "No mistakes, '
we can talk about names all day
Our favourite names, silly made-up names
normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
I would like that
End the mistakes
That's all I ask
And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef
It depends entirely on the secret ingredient
Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all
I'm just saying, with the NBA lockout
I think roller derby's in a really good place right now.
So, my pitch is, me, Pam you and someone else
maybe Justine
No. Not Justine
Never Justine
Is that off again?
Oh, yeah. Okay
Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting today.
We don't really do those We just sign the thing.
Are you really this lazy?
I'll be there
Hey Hey
Mondays suck
Yeah. Yep
Just trying to
I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem.
This is a project I've been working on for quite some time.
And today might be the day to use it.
What've you got?
Allow me
You're gonna love this
Should've used a shorter string.
Never mind I know it by heart
It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Sounds controversial
Have I not been worthy of your trust?
Have I not been a reliable number two?
Do not go there
You're the deuce I never want to drop
Well, I can make this work
I'll set it up right now. I just need your go ahead
Go do the voodoo that you do so we
I will do my voodoo
Mmm-hmm
Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling
on a new workplace relationship
For you?
Yes, for Gabe
Who are you seeing? That's great
Whom I am seeing is Val, from down in the warehouse
I'm not technically seeing her
but, I've seen her with the eyes
And there was attraction in at least one direction, so...
You know, I don't have to do paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Okay. Well, once this starts it's gonna be moving fast,
it's gonna be hot and heavy and I don't want
a bunch of bureaucratic red tape
wrapped around my jock you know?
But I mean, well, have you talked to her?
Yeah. We had a whole conversation about Mondays
Do you know her last name yet?
Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow
because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
She's gonna be screaming her own last name?
Hey, watch it
Good luck, Gabe
Hi, guys Hi.
I just wanna say that you all have been doing amazing work, really.
Thank you. And I'd like to add
that your work has been a little sloppy
So, Dwight and I have implemented
a new program that we like to call...
...Dwight?
The Accountability Booster
It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office,
from a late delivery to an accounting error
Five strikes in a day equals a home run
One home run and you're out
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day
something bad happens Like, we block Minesweeper
Or, in this case, an e-mail gets sent to Robert California
containing the consultant's report from last year.
Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down?
What? And, as a failsafe, also
every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group
will also be forwarded to him
What e-mails are you talking about?
Robert's favorite songs, Creep by TLC Creep by Radiohead.
You remember that one, Jim?
"There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.'
Oscar
"He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him.'
Kelly
That's not that bad, actually.
PS, "We should kill him."
Wait. So, you installed a doomsday device?
No, it's an Accountability Booster
Which, when it goes off it destroys everything
very similar to a doomsday device
Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac
No, the point is, is that we are now working in an environment
where we have accountability to each other
I am confident that you guys are equal to the task
No, we're not. And you are a psycho who is ruining our lives
We can't do this, Dwight. We can't
Smile
Nod. Smile and nod
They're making me out to be a Bond villain.
I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist
who will stop at nothing to remake the world.
Like
Not Doctor Moreau someone good
Doctor Frankenstein
Doctor Jekyll, not them
Doctor
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I mean, the thing about this office is we make a lot of mistakes
But the device will change that
Without a safety net people will improve.
All right, everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work.
Be extra careful, double-check everything
Or the Accountability Booster will get you.
This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham,
we just make a mistake
I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment
There's one mistake
Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard
on this doomsday device. So, I...
it's not a doomsday device! Gosh!
We can do this, you guys
First
Second it's not a race.
Third
Who knows what the belt is for?
It's for protecting my ass
when you suckers lift more than you can handle.
What's up? I'm Gabe
Corporate. Continue
Don't be nervous
Apparently, we have a visitor
Gabe, everyone
Hi, Gabe
All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine
Doesn't get much use nowadays.
Look at this. This is enormous
I get the sense that Val enjoys a good put-down
Considering that's the only thing I know about her,
I will be milking that hard
It's like a hula-hoop right?
Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way
You done?
The Michelin Man called, he wants his cummerbund back
Remember, we have to get Regal Escrow their refund by 5:00.
I'm on it
Kevin, maybe I should handle that.
We really need you to focus on your project.
Good thinking
Apparently a big client for this company
needs to know the story of how paper gets made
Oscar, use a calculator
When the stakes are this high there's only one computer that I trust
And it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds
All right, everybody you're doing great.
Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible
But I do see improvement
Meredith kept someone on hold for 30 minutes,
and now look she's hard at work
Dwight, question. No questions
If this doomsday device goes off
Accountability Booster
If this bad idea goes off
and we all lose our jobs, are you gonna feel good about that?
I haven't even considered it
That's how sure I am that this Accountability Booster is gonna work
Try "Mose-1-2-3-4.'
Dwight would never be that obvious Try something like...
"Z-6-4-$-8.'
Not that exactly, Jim something like that
Okay
How about "Scranton-Strangler-6-6-6"?
Nope No?
Aw...
Shoot.
You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, okay?
But I appreciate your energy and your teamwork
You apply this to your regular work
you won't even notice that the device is there
watching you ready to strike
What's Dwight's mother's name?
Hedda
No
Once you've read the packet, sign the back
Hey, Darryl. I was thinking
maybe while we read through this
you could grab us all some coffee?
My treat
Here's a $100 bill
That should cover it I think.
Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay?
I want a decaf frappuccino.
Val?
Actually, Val why don't you come with?
I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.
Yeah, sure
Mmm-hmm
Caramel soy latte
No, a decaf frap
Got it
You sent the late notice to Rinehart and Wolfe, right?
Mmm-hmm. 64620
Nuh-uh. Yes
588 plus 15%
Oh, no! - What does this mean?
What does it mean? - Andy.
Oh
God
That's five strikes
Well
I was saving this for my retirement which I guess is today
Dwight, we got five strikes.
Really?
Did the e-ma go out or...
It goes out automatically at 5:00 p.m
Well, then there's gotta be a way to stop it
Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.
Okay
Dwight, you may now enter your password.
No
What? What?
You don't deserve to have this branch
Five mistakes in less than a day?
We did our best
No, you didn't, Phyllis
You complained the whole time,
you yelled at me you tried to break into the machine.
What?
You're a real crumb bum you know that?
Hey, you can't just change the rules
because you don't like the outcome.
What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task?
Can you tell me now where paper comes from?
The man tree puts its penis
Okay. All right, Andy, back me up here, please
No
What? No
Dwight, be human for once shut down the machine.
Shut it down Shut it down.
Shut down the machine
Shut it down
good luck finding a new job, idiots
I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference
Glowingly negative
Dwight's car is gone
I bet he went home
Some of us should go there, try to talk some sense into him.
Get him to stop that e-mail
Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you,
and your breasts are enormous, that could help us
Kevin has that lovability
Guys, come on
I'm right here
Jim, I want you to go find Robert. Just be where he is
in case that e-ma goes out at 5:00,
you can try to delete it or something
Okay. Where is he?
He's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash
I'll try both
Oh
Did you come to reason with me?
Got you something
And I just really want to talk to you
Get lost
Well, now hold on
What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
Digging a grave for a horse
Do you need a hand?
Yeah, you need a hand?
If you hit another horse you've dug too far
I'll see you next week, Will.
Robert
Jim, what are you
What a surprise
Yeah. Well, you know I just had a meeting, a squash meeting
Yeah?
You up for a game?
A game? Or a match?
Exactly! Here we go
Let's do it
Are you okay, Kevin?
Where are you going?
In. I'm hungry
Could we come in, too? Just for some water?
Okay. Take off your shoes
Except you, Kevin They stay on
Wow, I forgot how pretty your house is
This is the newest addition, built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808
It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
That's too much doodle and not enough lab
Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just lab?
That's what I'm saying
Hey
You're welcome. Thanks for the coffee
So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery
I'm gonna drink a little wine
and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me
Are you asking me on a date?
Yes, I am
Because I don't date coworkers
it's not personal. It's a matter of policy
I could quit
Problem solved
Don't quit
Good policy It's sensible
Smart
All right. Serving
Serving, serving, serving
In the box. In the box
Why haven't we heard anything?
It's 4:45 There's only 15 minutes left
Oh, now you can do math?
Where were you two hours ago beautiful mind?
I made a mistake I'm sorry!
I know how to save the company, everyone
Just write a petition, get everyone's signature
including our clients, march down to Florida
and shove it up your butt
it's not that funny
Pam, you got something on your shirt.
Oh!
Well, pobody's nerfect, right?
Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "nobody's perfect.'
Nice stroke, Pam
No, it's a jokey saying
"Pobody's nerfect.'
Like, I can't even say those words right
I hadn't heard that before
That's funny
Dwight, there's just the small
You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie?
Milk
Any specific animal?
I'm thinking cow Don't say cow.
What are you doing? It's five to 5:00
Just don't talk about the e-mail, okay?
He's gonna cancel it on his own I really think he will.
That's insane Just trust me.
Trust you? Like I trusted Dwight this morning?
I got this
Thanks for everything
Sive drafely
Wasn't it supposed to be drive safely?
Is that my phone?
Sounded like mine
No, I think it's mine Let me just check real quick here
All right
No, it's mine. You took it out of my bag
Oh. Oops
Yeah Can I have it?
Yes
Right now?
Yes There you go
Whoa! No! Wait, wait
What the *?
Oh, man I'm sorry!
Jesus! Did it break?
No, it's good, thanks. You sure?
Yeah
What kind of iPhone is that?
It's the standard one, the one everyone has
Yeah. I have the one that nobody has.
Is there anything interesting?
It depends, Jim. Do you find one-day-only
JetBlue sales to Buffalo interesting?
No, I don't
All right
Well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this
My serve
Dwight stopped the device
Yes
He stopped it
Yes
We still have our jobs
They're not my favorite people in the world
I wouldn't even call them friends.
They come over here, eat my pie,
dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen.
God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?
Just take it easy Nice and easy
Classic, right?
Ooh
I'm all right. You all right?
Yeah. Skinned knee
Yeah
Need a little ice on that, maybe.
Yeah. That does not feel good.
Okay. My serve