The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 5 - Spooked - full transcript

Approved
Chef from South Park. It's genius. Just some chef.
I've decided to pre-screen all of the Halloween costumes this year
I have three simple rules
don't be offensive don't be cliché
and don't take the first two rules too seriously
The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Huh?
The one who sacrifices his life
Whoa! Oh
Spoiler alert It's been out for ages, man.
Costume vetoed
Uh.
It's... Somebody's already called that
Who? Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow.
This is ridiculous! Why can't there just be two Kate Middletons?
Guys, I know, I mean I wish there could be too
It's like I can't choose
They're both amazing, it's just
Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that g. D. wedding
and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day
Meredith wasn't even here Because I was there
You're the people's princess! Diana was nothing!
I thought you were at your sister's funeral
What I said was "My sister's funeral is this weekend.'
Didn't say I'd be there
Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story?
Warms my heart thinking about them two kids...
...doing it
Can I maybe squeeze through?
Here you go There we go. Thank you.
When they talk about app the nice things about dating a co-worker,
they don't mention one of the best parts.
After you're done dating, you still get to work together every single day
Jim, put it on
Put it on, man
I don't know if I can. Come on the Three Amigos
Three Kings. All right
I know, I know, I know. But Darryl and Kevin needed a third.
They bought me this jersey. I said no
Kevin started crying, so I am Chris Bosh.
If you get into season one, you know, really
Oh, my God, what the he is wrong with you?
It's called a costume
What are you? Some kind of Jamaican zombie woman?
Ryan, will you please tell her who I am? Whoopi Goldberg.
Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from StarCraft?
Queen of blades
It's all Toby's fault
Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing
You can't bring weapons into the office.
And every year he says the same thing.
"As soon as I get my weapons back, I'm going to kill you."
But there I am at Thanksgiving alive, you know?
I'm a lucky turkey
Everybody looking good? This is the best we can do?
I'm not judging. I think you guys look great, I just
...want to make sure this is the best we can do
I just got a text from Broccoli Rob. "Boo!'
It scared me
And then I got this text from Robert California
"Looking forward to Halloween party Expectations are high.'
Scared the * out of me
G'day, Pameroo Could you shoot this off for me?
Yeah. Australian accent
What are you doing? I just wanted to see how you do it.
If you're doing something I don't
Are you That Andy so hot and cold
One day he's like, "Fax these documents, please.'
The next he's like, "Pam, you fax them. Who cares what Erin's feeling." Right?
Oh, Erin Pam
how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of one to three?
Um
Two?
It's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear
No, I mean you're doing great
and Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right?
Yeah Yeah.
Send completed. You are the best in the biz. I can't deny
Bob and I are doing this Scranton haunted walking tour
I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.
Hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub
tell the Man in Black I say hello
What happened, Pam? Okay.
When I was 22, I worked there and everybody said the place was haunted.
I didn't believe it until one day before we opened
I look up into the mirror you know, behind the bar?
And I see this old man dressed all in black,
but when I turn around there's no one there.
So, I tell the cook my story Wait, they have food there?
...and he said
"That's what everyone sees That's the Man in Black.'
No. My wife does not believe in ghosts
Hey Hey
Oh
This Man in Black thing What do you think that was about?
What do you mean? Was it like trickery in the lights
or maybe you were so primed to see it then there it was
I saw a ghost Mm-hmm
What I'm saying is, like do you ever wonder what it was?
It was a ghost. I told you this on like our first date
Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels.
I figured you had to top it I don't know what to tell you, Jim
but I saw a ghost
Hey
Uh-oh
Looks like we're under a Jack attack. - Yes, Andrew.
And you, on this day of fantasy, are a labourer
Yes Everyone, this is Bert, my son.
Bert, this is a paper company
Hey, Bert
Hello
Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane
Here, use this one
All right
Oh, look, pin the word on the witch
How did you know I was bringing my son?
I didn't. It was for us But he can play.
Berty Boy, would you like to play this game?
That stuff's for babies
Perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us
Wow. Who shot our grownup party with the kiddy ray gun?
We're still getting it set up It's going to be really cool
Extraordinary. Did you plan this?
Well, Toby and I did, yeah
And I overheard and thought "Hey, that'd be fun don't mind if I do.'
If you turn out the lights we'll do a little dance
One, two, three
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones
Now we're the skeleton crew
Delightful. Thank you
Now then how are we today?
Fine Great.
Just fine, Kelly? Everything all right?
Mm-hmm
You feeling fulfilled in your life?
I guess
You guess? So there is something you want that you
do not have
Try not to think about it
Because it's too terrifying to imagine
Now we're cooking
What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?
Never marrying Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary.
And how are you, Toby?
So great
Oh, I put those up. I know. I'm taking them down.
I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall
is more Halloween-y
I don't know about this, guys
Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so.
Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it?
Oh
So can we speak our minds now? Or are we still sparing feelings?
Because I hate all of this.
Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea
Warm air from South America
Cold air from Greenland All signs point to the perfect storm.
Perfectly mediocre
What are you, anyway?
I'm a Jamaican zombie woman Leave me alone, ghoul
If you had some really big wings with blades on the end
you'd kind of look like Kerrigan from StarCraft.
Damn it! I am Kerrigan from StarCraft. I've been censored.
If you're going to be a Zerg, at least be a lurker
Not some girl. Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm
Yeah. She also has boobs. Yeah, but no nipples
Hey Hey, what's up?
November's sure creeping up, ain't it? You can't stop that month
Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know?
Um
I just thought you could use some help, you know?
'Cause Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddy.
And I guess I agreed And maybe we could
mix a little more 13 into the PG.
But that's it?
There's nothing about me or I?
Can we talk about it at the end of the day?
I got a call I got to make a call
Yeah, sorry Yes, we can
Yes. I don't know
Mm-hmm
Gabe? Sweet Erin
I'm throwing the Halloween party and I just want to amp it up a little.
I think it could use some extra pizzazz
Okay. Where does Gabe factor in?
Remember that Halloween party you took me to once?
The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in
and I didn't stop crying? Yes. Lars and Takako's
Okay, well let's say that I wanted this party to be a tiny
tiny bit like that one
just more adult, more scary and sexy
I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine
No, just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff
No, that'd be scary What are you thinking about?
All right, let me go get it
Pam Halpert Hey. It's Jim Halpert.
I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight
'cause I've read a lot about this really great documentary
Is it called Ghostbusters? It's called Ghostbusters.
It didn't look like that
He didn't have a buster sign around him?
Why don't you draw him? Why don't we see this old man?
Okay. Yeah. Fine, I'll draw him Okay.
I ain't afraid of no ghosts
Whoa
Mm-hmm
Dwight, are you eating a stick? It's a root, idiot.
Okay
Everyone hates you. That's really rude
I don't tell you hurricanes suck even though it's true
What do you like, tornadoes? Try influenza
Yeah? What's the vaccine you could take to avoid a hurricane?
Open up a newspaper. Look, a hurricane's coming
I suppose you're going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark.
Try box jellyfish
What are we talking about?
I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts
Then we had a little debate and then Meredith said that she believes in them too
You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don't scare you?
I'm only scared of real things, like serial killers and kidnappers.
Not things that don't exist like ghosts or mummies
Mummies are real There are mummies at museums
Yeah
You prank
It's true. They've been preserved for
thousands of years They're all over.
Why on Earth would a museum put a mummy in it?
A little witch's brew?
I grew this party up real fast.
Get out of here, little kid party. Nobody loves you.
And clean up your room Grownups are going to use it later
The party looks fun doesn't it?
Everybody seems to be in there having a great time
So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer
I'm using it. I'm about to play StarCraft with him
You serious? Yeah, I'm serious
Hey, hey. That's funny
Okay. Loser
Pam, do you think anyone's going to notice I've worn this costume before
when I wasn't pregnant?
You know I guess nobody would believe it still fits.
Hey, guys, I'm an Oscar Liar Weiner
Oh, my God
Party's tight, E Fog is cool. Thanks
It's on medium Perfect
It really looks great You did a great job
Oh. So we don't have to have that talk?
We should still have that talk
Maybe you could come by my office at like 4:45?
Cool
Okay.
Okay, everybody,
be prepared to be scared
Okay
The Cinema of the Unsettling is a growing film movement.
The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot
of a squirrel with diarrhea
Okay. Ew
Is that my grandmother?
What's the story? - There is no story.
Yeah, seems like there isn't a narrative.
Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting
What the he is going on here?
Okay, I think we've seen enough
You can turn it off now - Yeah
Yeah, kill it. go ahead and turn it off.
Thank you - How'd you get in my car?
Where is this from? That is so upsetting
That was awful Robert, I apologize
I'm sorry. I got confused I heard that you
wanted to make the party more adult but I think I know what to do now
This game is called "Pecker Poker.'
It's the game of cards that gets you hard.
What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Why didn't you simply ask Andy to clarify?
Asking is a very easy thing to do
The two of you are obviously very close
Oh, I see. This no longer seems like my business
All I knew is that
you wanted to have a talk with me at the end of the day
and I got nervous, so
You were going to talk at the end of
I'm not here
Did you think I was going to fire you?
No, I wasn't
I'm sorry This must be really uncomfortable for you
I'm never uncomfortable
Okay
Erin, I think you know I've been dating someone
Sure
And it's getting a little more serious
She's never come by, so And she's never called here
Unless it's your mom
No, I didn't want her to call because I thought it would be weird, but
now it's weird that she's not calling
Two dates?
Three dates?
Thirty-one
Wow
I'm so happy for you guys.
Um. Let me know when you get to 40
I'll see you guys
I should go
I just don't get it, Pam
I mean, you're a rational person Thank you.
Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs
How is this any less logical? Careful. Whoa
First of all, it's not like I think that's going to help the Eagles win
Really? No.
That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing.
And maybe the Eagles will hear about it and want to play better. It's not
Exactly. Thank you
Go! Get up there right now.
Got it Dwight
You want to attack, or let them come to us? Your call, B.
Unleash the hell storm. - Dwight
Nice Dwight
Got 'em. Go
Is she Asian? I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet
Maybe from the forest Forest?
Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?
I don't know, Phyllis Maybe she's from the city
Looks terribly real doesn't it, Creed?
No Are you scared of snakes?
You don't live as long as I have
without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.
Yeah, I guess sometimes I have nightmares about being buried alive.
Honestly, Jim gives me the creeps
What am I up to?
Like a few years down the road, Cece says
"Mom, there's a ghost in my closet.'
Now you say one of two things One, "You're just having a bad dream."
Or two, "Let's go see what it wants."
I'm not going to freak her out, Jim
Okay I'm not going to lie to her either
Oh, come on When I was a boy,
there was an empty house just up the h from my family's
It was rumored a man committed suicide there
after being possessed by the devil
One day, a young woman, Lydia
moved into the house with her infant child.
That very night Lydia was awakened by a loud heinous hissing sound
She walked to the nursery and there in baby's crib was a snake
wrapped around baby's neck
squeezing tighter and tighter
Oh, my goodness The crib was full of dirt,
baby struggled to free itself from underneath
reaching and clawing gasping for air
Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi,
lurching toward baby
For they were mummies No.
Amongst them was a man
Tall, slim. Jim
Almost instinctively she turned to her husband
"Wait," she thought
"I don't have a husband.'
For Lydia and her husband had had an argument one they couldn't get past
Each night they slept one inch farther apart until one night Lydia left
It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds.
She had quit the book club the choir,
citing something about their high expectations
Her lips slowly grew together from disuse
Every time she wanted to act, and didn't,
another part of her face hardened until it was stone
And that fevered night she rushed to the nursery
and threw open the door "Baby, are you okay?"
Baby sat up slowly
turned to mother
and said
"I'm fine, bitch. I'm fine.'
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives.
How dare we let it motivate us?
How dare we let it into our decision making? Into our livelihoods.
Into our relationships.
It's funny, isn't it? We take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear.
Toby. Hey, Bert. Want to see the dance?
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry...
You're fired
What? You heard me.
Pack your things
What? You can't Gabe? Are you
I'm the CEO's son
Pack your things You're done.