The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 7 - Pam's Replacement - full transcript

Erin, hey
In two minutes, I want you to come into this meeting
and tell me that I have a really important phone call
I'm not going to take it
because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me
Who's calling? Nobody
Just say that I'm... Just make it up that I have a phone call
And then I'm going to refuse to take it
You're not going to take it?
Just make up a phone call.
It's not a real call
Just make it up
Oh, okay. And then come in and tell me.
Okay
It doesn't matter what it is.
You're not going to get it, though.
I'm not going to take it.
And then he's going to be like
"Wow, this is a really important meeting."
Copy that. Okay
Okay, so
tell me exactly what kind of deal
you are getting right now and I'll tell you how we can beat it
Well, we've been going with
Andy?
Yeah?
You have a very important call
I'm sorry, I'm with a very important client It'll have to wait
Are you sure? It's really, really important
There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting
Really? Because your mother is dead
Oh, my God
I don't think she's dead
She's dead. She was hit by a bus
She's not dead This is exactly
the kind of thing my mom pulls
This isn't one of those times It's the police
They said it's the worst they've ever seen
Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother
My deepest condolences
You must take this call. It's...
Yeah, line one?
Line two
Okay
Hi It's Darryl.
Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Oh
Gosh
Dude. Thank you, Officer
Look, man, this is a bad idea.
Did she have any last words or
Really? That is messed up, man.
Make sure that your client gets the best deal possible
You're a bad man, Andy Bernard.
That is so Mom That stuff can come back and get you.
It's called karma. You do not want to be messing...
All right but thank you, Officer
I've got an uncle...
Erin, please hold all my other calls
Where were we?
Hey, Cathy Hi
How's it going? Everything make sense?
I think everything is under control.
Great You should sit down.
No, I'm fine
No, I should go fill out my paperwork
Okay
That was just me Pregnant Pam
And I make sounds much worse than this
We know
I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave
I should have mentioned I'm pregnant
You probably didn't notice because
it's impossible to tell because I'm so small
But yeah, I'm pregnant
Oh, come on
Hey. Asking for a friend
do you happen to know if that new girl is single?
Doubt it
Yeah. Me, too
You doubt it?
What's that?
Why do you doubt that she's single?
Honestly, I have no idea I just figured we'd save her from Ryan, right?
What are you doing with my lunch?
I'm delivering it from the fridge
It's like a porno. "Hey, did anybody order a pizza?'
It's not pizza
Yeah, and we're not about to make love.
I just thought maybe you'd want
to eat lunch at your desk today
so that during lunch we could go down
to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes
I like the sound of that Is Kevin here?
You tell me
So word on the street is she has a boyfriend
Well, he's probably a drug dealer
That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend.
You just You get her hooked on blow
It's going to be nice to have just like a
healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.
Yes, aesthetically speaking, strictly
Yeah
She adds a nice presence - Good energy.
Yeah, it's going to be nice to have
someone hot at Pam's desk, huh?
No, no. Not even
I'm kidding
Oh, my gosh, you guys She's obviously super cute. I get it.
But I'd like to point out there is 50 pounds
more of me to love if that's your thing
Pam, you look more beautiful now than ever
Radiant
Thank you, guys. Really, thank you very sweet.
Yeah, you have this sexy glow.
Well, it's one of the most common fetishes
Really? Well, thank you all
You know, it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due
You know who's gorgeous?
Helen Mirren Yes
Yes, have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing
What would be the hottest thing ever is a pregnant Helen Mirren
Ooh
Okay, okay. Okay, no, no, no.
This is disgusting. Do you realize what you're saying?
The hottest thing ever would be a 66-year-old pregnant woman?
In this case, yes No
There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction
And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them
to mollycoddle a pregnant woman
No, we're not. No
Yes, you are
And another thing Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironoff
That's right, you're fake salivating over a Soviet-era Russian
Nice scatting, man
Thank you. I think I said "doop" instead of "boop" at one point
Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look
Hey, screw you
Hey, Robert. Are we meeting early?
Just taking a stroll
What exactly have I stumbled upon here?
Well, we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.
You're a band?
Thank you
We're called Kevin and the Zits
That was never agreed upon
I miss being in a band
Miss no more What do you play? Join us
I have a tambourine
Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right?
CEOs don't play tambourines Tambourines are for girlfriends.
I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car
Great Nice.
Guys, Robert is going to be a zit.
Again, never agreed upon
I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California
and now he wants to be in our band
And when you're in a rock and roll band
with somebody, you're bonded for life
Usually that life is short and tragic
That's okay, right?
Yeah, even cooler
We all got to go sometime
Hey Hey
Helen Mirren. Hot?
Yeah. Super pretty
Huh
What about Cathy?
The temp?
Yeah, do you think she's hot? Nope
I'm not asking if you're into her
Just objectively, do you find her attractive?
I'm telling you I don't
You don't find Cathy attractive?
No, I don't
No, I'm not going to tell my nine months pregnant wife
that I find her replacement objectively attractive.
Just like I'm not going to tell my 2-year-old daughter
that violent video games are objectively more fun
It's true but it doesn't help anybody
Look at her
Even I want some fries with that shake
Okay. I don't. So are we good?
That's just absurd
Yes, because she's hot, right?
Her breasts are large her waist is small,
her reproductive health in ample evidence.
Facial symmetry, come on
The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently.
Like you're a kid, almost.
They lose all sense of boundaries.
They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true.
I know it sounds nuts but I think Dwight
is the only one who's telling me the truth.
Dwight, am I hot right now?
Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now?
I can't impregnate you and that's the driving
force between male-female attraction
What about before? Was I attractive before?
Eh.
You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight gradual decline.
And a steep drop off when you got pregnant for the first time.
Gradual recovery and
Well, now obviously you're at an all-time low
Hmm
I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy
You think Jim's lying? That's so cute
I know he's lying
5 bucks if you can get him to admit it
Done
I never touch a pregnant woman
Yeah, that's the Dwight I need
If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules
Okay
Rule one, our only loyalty is to the truth
I think so. Okay
Rule two, we stop at nothing
What is that... Is it... Well, okay
Rule three
Don't fall in love
Yup. Good
We're going to bust this guy
Honesty is very important to me
So important And then we will destroy the man himself
Let's just see how we fee when we get there.
Well, you came to the right person.
You have to follow your intuition, Pam
You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren
Actually, what am I saying? You wish you had her life. No offense, Pam.
None taken What have you got?
It is called the Matchmaker Test and it is very powerful
Basically, we have Pam ask Jim which
of his friends he would set up with Cathy
If Jim picks a really hot friend
then we know he thinks that Cathy's hot
Hmm
Hey, you found us
You guys sound great, man.
Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough local musician,
and the officiate at my wedding.
Local musician?
Local legend. I used to come hear you
play every week at the Deerhead
Dude, you're on TV
You're the sportscaster on Channel Seven.
Go, Eagles
You do that on TV
You guys mind if they join us?
No. Yeah, sure
Guys, I've got some instruments right here
Hey, why don't you and me play those?
Yeah?
Okay, this is awesome
What shall we play?
Maybe we should warm up with some scales?
Midnight Rambler? Yeah.
Midnight what?
Have you heard about the midnight rambler?
Hey, this is crazy
Hey, I was talking to Cathy Turns out she is single.
Oh, I stand corrected
I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone
Any ideas?
Oh. You know who might be good? Mike Tibbets.
Mike Tibbets, really?
Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy?
What kind of car does he drive?
Not his mom's car
Yeah, because his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.
Touché?
Kelly, calm down
I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair
Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs
I don't think Jim cares about his hair
Yeah, but I do, Pam. Okay?
It's called being a nice person
I don't see what's so ugly about him
He's got the broad face of a brewer
Jim's on to me Hmm?
Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike.
We had to go through like two levels
of friends to even find his profile.
Jim picked someone just unattractive
enough to shut me up without tipping it
Just ugly enough to have deniability
Yup
Mike Tibbets is like the most boring looking guy I know.
So if that was for the Matchmaker Test, I think I'm in the clear
If that wasn't for the Matchmaker Test then
Cathy, he's a really nice guy.
Well, Jim may be lying with his words
but he can't lie with his body
I'm going to write something mean on his wall
No, Kelly, don't
The male reveals attraction
through unconscious and involuntary physical signs.
The puffing of the chest
Mirroring
Increased blood flow to the crotch
I say we start there
With the crotch? With the crotch?
With the crotch
Whoo
Psst
We're not here. Who said that?
Exactly
How'd I get this long triangle?
Okay, just shut up
Is he puffing out his chest?
I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken
Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?
No. Maybe he just said something funny
Jim has no discernible sense of humour, Pam. You should know that.
I think he's just making her laugh
Time for me to find out
Why is he making her laugh so much?
Just going to walk over here. Whoa
I'm slipping and falling! I'm stumbling. I need something to grab onto
Hey, are you okay? I'm fine
Dwight! Dwight I'm totally fine
Yes?
What? Jim?
Sorry about that
Cramp. I'm just Dwight
Why?
I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance
Leave
Does your husband ever have soft erections?
Because if not I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing
Why was he making her laugh so much?
Hey, I'll just be a second
Yeah, take your time Okay.
That line from Zoolander. Mmm-hmm?
It was from a deleted scene so we were both right
Told you
Do I hand in my expense reports
to a particular accountant or
Oscar, Cathy has a question
Sorry, I'll just go ask Oscar
Yeah? You okay?
Why won't you just admit that she's attractive?
It's kind of annoying that you won't say it
Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?
Well, Dwight had this idea and I thought it was kind of crazy
but maybe that's where we are now
She called it crazy? Man
That's insulting All I did was
propose a makeshift lie detector test.
Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse
perspiration and breathing rate.
Yeah, it's nuts But I don't know what else to do
And she called it nuts?
Seriously, that was hot
Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going
Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?
Are you serious?
From Star Trek?
Hey, you caught some of that?
I caught it
What, you don't like the Blues?
I might enjoy seeing you guys play the Blues
Well, we are playing
We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies
It's a jam session We go where the music takes us
I think the music left without you.
Come on Stop shoving me
"Stop shoving me Stop grabbing my penis.' Grow up.
Take off your jacket and take a seat.
When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.
Really? This could all go away
if you just tell me the truth
Are you all in line?
Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man?
Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions
Wait for this to constrict. Here we go
Is your name Jim Halpert?
Sì.
Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?
We have to start with a baseline question
to establish what the truth is
You have to share the machine with others
Well, that's what they taught me
in my 19th century kindergarten
Okay, Dwight, come on You can go first.
Jim, are you serious?
You know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush
Maybe we could switch instruments
Yeah
'Cause my body's starting to get bruised
Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right.
We had to leave because of creative differences
Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound
that didn't really fit in with our thing
Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now
No, man. We are
Well I know, I know
Okay, you're done
I have a new heart, you know
Do you really Tin Man? Okay
Where were we?
No, I'm not worried.
Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam
And when she gets her body back and her confidence back
yes, I will tell her the truth.
That
I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years
In my defense, he was grabbing my crotch
fairly aggressively at the time
Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?
No
Yep, he's lying
See. Was that so hard?
I am not lying
Really?
Pam, are you really going to listen to his stupid homemade test?
I would listen to my homemade test
because your husband is definitely lying
In fact, he's lied about every question even his name.
Who are you, really? Wait, what?
Look at the numbers. Every single time it's come up 150 over 100
Your husband is a pathological liar
Jim, you have high blood pressure
He is definitely attracted to her
Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?
Yeah, but I don't smoke
When was the last time you went to the doctor?
I don't know. It's important to go every month
and get your prostate checked
You can do it at home by yourself
with your finger You just stick
Okay
Dwight, stop
I'm not kidding. I mean, I need you to take care of yourself
What would we do if something happened to you?
Okay, easy. Trust me I'm around for the long haul
It's not really your choice, though, is it? Death waits for no man
Okay
Come on, let's go I want to call your doctor
Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?
Just go home it doesn't matter
But the
Hey, Cece? s toothbrush
Thank you
Ooh, baby, I love your way
Every day
Want to be with you night and day
And day
Ooh, baby, I love your way