The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 23 - Turf War - full transcript

Oh, man, my delts are blasted.
A chart for how much protein powder to scoop
for a 180-pound man with no fat
Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water?
Why don't you just take estrogen?
Here
There you go, boys See how Papa takes care of you
people thought biceps were all that.
They'd flex them all night at the discotheque
all about core, huh?
Yeah
Core's critical
There are four tenets of Pilates that I live my life by.
One, lengthen
Two, elongate
Listen, guys. I think we all want to know the same thing, right?
Who's the strongest?
There's only one way to solve that
Thigh curl contest
All right, here we go, everybody
May the manliest man win
Go
Feast on this, Lewis
I love the burn The burn is where I live
Come on, Gabe. You can't handle his hamstrings.
You're getting hypno-thized
Speed set. One
One, two
Here, this is for your elbows For your elbows
Thank you You're welcome.
Five, six... - Seven
Quick phone call for you guys Keep going. Eight.
Nine
Hello? - Ten.
We got it?
Very funny, Jim
Yeah, Jim
Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies
Everyone, conference room Now.
All right Easy there, Grandpa
Okay, you don't need my help?
Here, here, just
Morning Hey
Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot
these Oh
You know, the only thing more delicious than your feet
is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.
Andy if you're going to hang out for a while
Uh.
What's this?
This dumb new rule Robert made
He just wants visitors to sign in
Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me?
No, of course not
It's just... I think it's like if we make an exception for you
then we have to make an exception for the water guy
and then it's like, "Where does it end?' So, just...
Why is it when other people spend all their time at tee office,
they're rewarded for it and when I do it,
"It's a little much"?
Is it because I'm not an employee anymore?
Because that's what it feels like
All right enjoy the Illinois game
Good, we have a deal?
Thanks, Janet Thanks so much, Earl.
Wow. A simultaneous sale
And they said it couldn't be done. Boom. Screw them
A lot going on, guys What's happening?
The Binghamton branch closed last night
and all their clients are up for grabs
That was a fine branch
Things are really bad under Robert California I guess
It's like a festival of poo
Hey, come on, language
Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay?
Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
In the fridge
No, Jim. The butt, in his butt
Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers
There's too many potential clients.
You two better watch yourselves
Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy
you're taking New York clients
Robert, why did Binghamton close?
Can everyone just Please
saturnalia last night
in celebration of the finalization of my divorce
of Australian reds
and, how should I say this Colombian whites.
Wait, what is this about Binghamton?
The branch closed, forever
Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today.
Or, I guess, last night
But, in vino veritas, as they say
I'm not going to start doubting my drunken self now
I got your voice mail from last night
Wonderful
And the answer is yes yes, yes, yes,
and never
Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely
that your brain, literally, couldn't hold the memories in?
It was the summer
Apparently, I left a phone message
for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said
Um, I am a little busy
Yes
Of course
Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me?
Yeah. I can make you a list
Let's do it now
What's number one?
Why don't I help you now? Okay There we go
Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
And you are?
Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse
What the hell's all this?
Cherries jubilee over home-made gelato
You live well down here in PA I want to talk to you guys right now
And Lloyd Gross, too
Which one's that guy?
The salesmen have a commission cap,
but we figured out a way around it
Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to
How do I put this? Steal from the company, embezzle, to commit fraud
Okay, it sounds sketchy but it helps us get more money.
Yes
Pam made a drawing of Lloyd.
He is a blend of all the salesmen
There he is
That's Lloyd. Me?
Yeah, you
Where do you get off crossing state lines?
Now, we're actually closer to Binghamton than you are
kemo sabe
I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy
who doesn't back down from anybody
and he calls people "kemo sabe.'
They're New York we're New York.
State line is the dividing line
That's the way it's always been
There's actually not a rule that says that. It's true
It's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook
Can I check the employee handbook, Lloyd?
Does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?
No
Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule.
So many people by now
Stay out of my state It's in your best interest to stay out of my state
I've seen guys like you, big guys
who like to push the little guys around
Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast
Stay out of New York, Lloyd
Text from the old wife I'm going to take that.
How about this, why don't we just ask Robert?
Can we all agree that maybe the CEO should decide this?
Robert's here?
Look at us, bickering like school girls
looking around the room for things to hit each other with
were doing that
Chair, lamp, plant, table leg Jim's leg
Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol...
Sorry, not Jim
Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you?
Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?
Message received loud and clear
Just have to get the caramelized sugar
off the pan before it dries
Oh, for God's sake
Robert California what a surprise you're here in Scranton
Harry
So, why would you close Binghamton down
without a transition plan in place?
How do you mean?
No, no, no, kid, stay there Do your dishes. Go ahead
Harry, there is a time for every decision
predetermined many years ago
There's no benefit in questioning why
this particular decision seems
so poorly timed
Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.
Listen Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play
Prestige Direct Mail Solutions
used to be Binghamton's Don't listen to him.
Nope I want it. It's mine
Prestige is ours
Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk ma
on the eastern seaboard We get them.
We already put a call in to them, Robert
We need you to make a decision
Make a decision. I have decided
Neither of you are to have any contact
with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client
until I've figured out how to divide things up
As Solomon once said
There's some bizarre energy in this place today.
Robert going off the rails, making some funky decisions
Like why is nobody going to call on Prestige?
That is a huge client
They could give their business to
the first person to walk in the door.
Could be any idiot.
Any idiot at all.
Shaping a company is in a sense, similar to training a geisha.
You have to mold not merely the physical form
but also the character The two must harmonize
Are they still there?
They want a decision who gets the big client
They can wait
I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime
You know, I trained as one
Is it just me or is our boss a freaking weirdo?
I'm going to get some air
Jim, you know what would be really dastardly?
If we snuck out of here and got to the client first
He's running
Damn it
What... What is this supposed to be?
It's a monkey
Jim, get real. This is not a monkey
It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose.
Hold on. Hold on Is this him?
What? Is that him?
It's him! Do something Get out! Go!
What? What am I going to do? I don't
Go slash his tires Go dent his hood!
That's it?
That's great. That's like a 5-second delay
Dwight
Go
Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the NOS
NOS? You mean like in Fast & Furious?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I definitely have NOS
Hit the NOS. Are you sure?
Yes. We got it! Go! Brace yourself. Three, two, one
Here we go
Hello Andy Bernard to see the CEO
Oh. Do you have an appointment?
No, I do not
Okay. I think I can squeeze you in
Seriously?
Because I could just be anyone. I thought
I was going to have to convince you
He's really not that busy
Is there someone here to see me?
Yes. This man
Come on in
So, what do you make of this Robert California guy?
What does a guy like that do on an average weeknight
I'll tell you what he does
Hello. Hello, my clucking hens
Got room for another in the roost?
Huh? Don't worry I won't lay an egg
Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails
If?
Crunching numbers all day
Math is for boys
Did someone say "girl talk?'
Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum
because I am great at girl talk
Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas?
I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jung Cinderella Girl.
Although, I definitely fast-forward through the Yung Tae storylines
Do you think I'd like that? Or is it important to have an Asian fetish?
I think you're going to need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah
It'll be upsetting if you don't
I'm a former paper executive I know the product. I know the margins
25% on your costs
Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references?
No. I'm a rogue
Uh-huh. Which is the best part
That means you will be my first customer
and your business will get 100% of my attention.
Now, I have written down my personal phone number
You call this any time
Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number
Of course they have, which is why I'm giving you
a key to my house
Whatever you need, any time night or day, you just stop on by.
You want me to drive to your house if I need paper?
Maybe you just want someone to talk to,
maybe you need a place to crash for a couple of days
My wireless password is "eat, pray, love.'
Easy to remember
Ready? Go, go, go
You all right? Yeah.
Dwight, what are you doing?
Shh
Go! Go! Take the stairs, now What are you talking about?
Just run! Take the stairs! I don't even know where the stairs are
I'll stall him. Go
What are you doing?
I'm going to activate the seismic fail-safe
We'll be stuck between floors for hours
Oh
My pants fell down What?
My pants fell down I don't have a belt!
Hello, sir, good day. Dwight K. Schrute Dunder Mifflin Scranton
Forgive my pants they fell down.
An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please Right now is fine.
No, no, no. I was here first Dwight K. Schrute Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
Hi, guys. What's going on?
Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone Dunder Mifflin Syracuse.
I was here first. Sorry about this mix-up Okay.
I already made an appointment with your secretary
Let me stop you all right here
I've already picked a new paper supplier
Wait, it's not DM Utica, is it?
No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all, actually. It's Big Red Paper Company
Big Red Paper Company?
Mmm-hmm
Yes, yes, yes
Get me a cup of coffee
Me too
Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
All right, guys, it didn't work out for any of us,
so we're still on the same team
Let me get these No
Let him get his own He's got Syracuse money
You know your partner's got a lot of attitude, but I like that.
How long you guys been dating?
Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years.
But you're saying there's a chance.
Shut up
Hey
Excellent. Excellent
Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
What do you want from me?
Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, never.'
Hello, Nell, it's Mum.
Do keep your chin up. It can't possibly be as bad as you describe.
Oh, yes, it can
This is MasterCard. You are over the limit.
Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday,
or we will be forced to send it to collections.
Shopaholic
Sounds like it. Yeah
Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?
This is Annie from Second Nests.
I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable
with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother,
so we're going to hold out for that. Okay, that's enough
No, no, no Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this
No. No. Come on. Come on
Robert, okay... So, I deleted them all They're all deleted.
Pam, you've completely bungled this
Ah
Hey
Can I do it, Pam? Can I pull off a gold Arabian sandal?
Um
Yes. Definitely. With your hair, certainly
You dropped your cell phone
Oh, gosh. Yep
Thank you. I'm so stupid
No. My goodness you just
You have a lot going on with Robert and everything
Oh, God, Pam, don't get me started
No, I will not
You've just got me started
Robert is a filthy beast
Don't you get the feeling every time he looks at you,
he's just thinking of 15 different ways to do you?
Well
The man talks of nothing but sex.
Sometimes he talks about flesh and bacchanals.
Oh, yeah
what he left on my phone last night
No. Don't. Just put it out of your mind
Pam, what is your address?
I'm going to send you a pair of these gold harem shoes
Oh. No, you don't Yes
Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper
Things are looking up
I have MasterCard right where I want them
and I have a new friend
A friend
At work
Erin
There's a call for you on line 1
Who is it?
He says, "Salvation.' No last name.
Yeah, hello
You once put me on a list of the losers in the office
This loser just got your biggest client
to give him all their business
So, hire me back, that business is yours.
Don't, and I will find another buyer
You're blackmailing me
It's just business
some ineffectual, privileged
effete, soft-penised debutant
You want to start a street fight with me, bring it on,
but you're going to be surprised by how ugly it gets
You don't even know my real name I'm the * Lizard King
Whoa
Well, I gave him a chance
Andy Bernard?
You got a minute?
I'm in the middle of a piano lesson
I wanted to see if could interest you in an investment
Dunder Mifflin
Dunder Mifflin Now, why would I want that?
It's worth half what it was three years ago
Exactly
And you know better than anyone that with the right management
it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today
Why don't you come in?
So, what would you do if you weren't selling paper?
Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets
probably submit them for competition
What?
Yeah, I know it sounds stupid,
but nationals has always kind of been a dream of mine.
How have we never talked about this before?
Wait, you don't even care about nationals
Nothing?
I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but
What about you?
I'd like to sell one big thing, you know?
Like a plane
One sale. I'm out
That sounds lovely
Anyway, Robert's going to run this company into the ground
so we won't be doing this in six months.