The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 22 - Fundraiser - full transcript

No, no, no no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no no, no, no, no.
No
Okay, fine
Ryan, is something the matter? Yeah
Smokey's dead
Smokey the Bear?
Smokey Robinson, Pam
He died like an hour ago
I guess I'm the first to know
Wow, that's terrible I really liked him.
Oh, you liked him? That's nice.
Did you like when he changed the course of American music like, two or three times?
Did you like that Tracks of My Tears
is maybe the last true love song ever written?
I'm glad you like him, Jim
devastated right now
Well, I second that emotion. Huh?
I know a few of his songs, but what were his big ones?
Oh, God, Nellie. What wasn't his?
Tracks of My Tears.
Yeah
God, so many, Nellie
No, no, no
Tracks of My Tears and what else?
What are some more? What's one more?
Okay, I'm not I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today
I don't think you love Smokey Robinson.
All of this to prove how deep you are about music
Okay, I'm sorry that I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.
You don't like the Beatles?
That's not the point
Eleanor Rigby? Paperback Writer?
You always think you have time to see these legends before they go.
What was I so busy doing?
It says here the Smokey Robinson dead thing is a hoax
It's on CNN as of two minutes ago.
Okay, well That's a relief
Wow, look at that
Says he's actually playing State College
That's only three hours away
Oh, my God, Ryan that's perfect.
You have to go
Tickets are 250 bucks.
$250 is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan
Yeah
Who's opening? Paul Anka
Paul Anka?
How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that?
Okay, you could just show up late, though
How much is parking like, 30 bucks?
That's not what Smokey would have wanted
Does want
Tears of a Clown. Don't call me a clown, Pam
You're better than that
Looking good, RC
I feel like I'm being strangled
like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84.
The Red Room, say or Dominick's
Robert, the Senator was going to wear dark brown tonight.
I'm sure it'll be fine
My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters
Robert California bought two tables for everyone here
These people were lucky to get seats
because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district
but there is a distinct chance that we're all about to be killed
Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people
What's going on? There's a disgruntled ex-employee
sitting in his car in the parking lot
Oh, that's Andy. He's just hanging out
That's how workplace tragedies always begin
A middle-aged white male "hanging out."
Call the cops
Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody
How do you know? I mean, why do you think he's there?
What kind of weapon he has
Could be a knife could be a gun.
Could be a series of guns, all lined up to shoot parallel
I'm going up to the roof.
I'm going to bring my gym bag just in case
Everybody told me if I moved to America I'd be murdered.
Hey Hey
Just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything's normal
Maybe videotape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see?
We think you might kill Robert
What?
Because he fired you, which means apparently you're living in your car now.
Guys, everything is fine.
I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the fundraiser
Great. That sounds good
Wait, what?
You're going to the fundraiser tonight?
That's going to be weird
Why would that be weird?
It's going to be super weird.
He just fired you last week
Andy's just coming as my date
Hey, I hear you I hope you're right
It just seems like it's going to be really, really weird
Come in.
You really redid Andy's office, huh?
Yes, cut out the clutter.
Very simple, very minimal
I need you to sign these. We got a shipment going out
How are things in the warehouse?
You could go downstairs and ask them.
The warehouse isn't downstairs
Is it?
Who knew, right?
L
Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I
go from casual work friends to actual good friends.
The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me
Robert, the Senator and I wanted to stop by.
Hello. Robert. Robert, how are you?
And say hello - Hello.
Did anyone order a blast from the past with a side order of sexy?
Hi, Andy Oh, man, this is weird
Andrew Oh
Want to shake my hand, huh?
Because I want to shake your body
Where. Where do I look?
It's been so long since I did one of these things
Okay, all right
What's the question? How am I doing? Umm
Great
So, how's the talent?
Grey suit over there is sending a signal.
Downstairs is receiving
Is that Gabe?
Ladies
How come you look so decent all of a sudden?
Yeah, normally you look so stricken
Well, I'm embarrassed
I had to give up my hair gel
because it was giving me this angry rash on my scalp
And I just gave up on this low-protein diet
that I was doing for eight years, so
Ladies seem to like it, plus I'm getting, like, half as many bladder infections
Wow Yeah.
Wow You ladies look very pretty as well
Thanks Why is it that things are
their most beautiful in the autumn of their lives?
You had to say that
Sorry. Sorry. Thanks
Yeah
Creed, I just bid $20 on six jujitsu lessons
No one's raping this guy
Well, I don't want to get raped
No, it was my idea to not be raped Oh, well.
Wait, you think that jujitsu classes cost $22?
If you're going to play guess the price
you might as well try and be halfway accurate
$180
Whoa
Dwight, I don't think you understand.
You guess the price you win the prize
Have you never been to a Quaker fair before?
God
So, Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions.
Guy in the office. Huh?
Because up until now we didn't have one
What haven't I been doing?
Gosh, just today I was working on this rock opera that I'm writing
although it feels more like I'm receiving it than writing it
Wow, that's exciting
But until you firm up the idea, you might want to keep it between us
The hero lives in this dystopian future
and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef.
And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil
Sounds like you're doing all right.
A little better than all right, actually.
Really good
Have you thought about getting into photography?
Are you kidding me? 'Cause I'm way into it
What are you taking pictures of?
Children? Yes
Homeless people? Yes
'Cause in a way they're more real
...than the rest of us! The rest of us
This guy's having a breakdown
You know, Oscar, I really had no idea that you were so passionate about animals.
My dog, Gerald is my life. Really?
Well, if you want to get involved, call me
This is my cell
I'm more likely to pick up at night, say
after 9:00
Excuse me
This confirms three things
I'm right about the Senator, I still got it and poor Angela.
Got the flowers.
That piece is so predictable
Daffodils in spring I wonder what's next
mistletoe at Christmas?
Yeah
Oh! It says, "You're welcome to take this home.'
Oh
Sweetie, you don't want that Even in your house, it's a little much.
Have you ever been to our house?
Not exactly, but I know the Flats
I'm going to say what everyone is afraid to say
Phyllis is a bully
A big, beautiful bully
And she is not getting that centerpiece
Step in right away and start
Bobby, Bobbo
You're a rock opera guy, right?
You like rock operas Well
You've got to check out this thing I'm working on
It's really cool
There's this character Thomas Oregon
and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world
because he realizes that music is the one thing he can't control
So, Thomas Oregon is an evil figure
Evil
Although he's humanized at the end
because he weeps uncontrollably and pees in his pants.
And the hero who is that based on?
Me, I guess
We're flying so high we're cracking the sky
Going to fly out of this dome My girlfriend and I
Hey, jabroni, show some class
She's right, Andy You're being a jabroni
You're being a Thomas Oregon
Andrew
I think this may have been a bad idea.
Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin
to go out to a great romantic dinner tonight?
Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Why don't you quit harshing our mellow?
Andy, you should leave
Now
Excuse me
I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please.
I'm sorry. The tables are sold as complete units.
Then I'll take a table
Okay
And a high five
Let's do that again
Well, I just give a dollar to every charity
That way, you get all the mail, all the calendars.
You can't believe how much you get just for a buck
It's also nice to know you're making a difference
Jim and I give to the Red Cross
Are you sure you ought to be giving?
I mean, with your financial situation
Excuse me?
You ladies are as tangy as the salad dressing over there. I love it.
Oh, yes indeed
When
Whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa
Forgot a few salads
When
I stumbled into a very dramatic situation
Here, let me move this so you can see him.
Pam
Pam. Yeah
Angela's husband just hit on me.
Oh, my God I know.
Wait, what? Come on
We were talking about animals
He gives me his cell phone number
He was just dying for me to have it.
Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy because you are
but isn't it possible that he was just schmoozing a voter?
Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me
He wanted to rock more than just my vote
Okay
What was this look?
Whoa
What happened? Did he do it? Are you
Twice. For real?
Okay, guys. Not every glance means something, all right?
Life isn't Downton Abbey.
Life is Downton Abbey.
Here's what I'm going to do
I'm going to go over there I'm going to talk to him
And I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody
How much do you guys charge for one full-year gym membership?
Thank you
It's $475
Like candy from a baby
That's the third time you've asked me about my strategy
It's called "Guess the Price, ' strategy's in the name.
Simplest game since "Touch the Rock."
Three-time champion
Almost four, but I touched the wood
Hey
David Wallace? Andy Bernard?
Hey, how are you? How you doing? I'm great.
How are you doing? Are you still with Dunder Mifflin?
No, got canned last week
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.
No, best thing that ever happened to me
That's the attitude to have.
You know what? When I got canned I was lost, right?
I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck It.
Yikes. Yeah, exactly, right?
Then suddenly out of nowhere
the US Military bought the patent from me for $20 million
Point is, forget those guys
Okay? Move on
Good to see you, Andy
Call me a lay man, but I wish there was some real food here
You know like hamburgers
or Oreos, or a pizza pie, or
What's another food that we like? Tacos
What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos
Tacos. Right now
some tacos.
Brilliant
If you loan me some money
Yes, I can do that
For two tacos we probably need about
what, $20? Or $25? 20
30. $30
Yes, yes
I've never eaten a taco
I'm not entirely sure what they are.
As long as they're not slimy, and please, God, don't let them have eyes
So? Boom
This is interesting
Mm-hmm What is interesting?
He gives his cell out to everybody
Or you proved that he thinks you're gay
He doesn't think Jim is gay.
A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes
A gay man wouldn't leave the store wearing those shoes
Hey, you bought me these shoes.
Wait a second where's the centerpiece?
So I threw it in the garbage.
Really, Phyllis? You didn't just put it in your car?
Nope
Which garbage? It's not there anymore.
A man emptied the garbage into a bigger garbage
and then I heard someone say they were locking the garbage
You are out of control, Phyllis
Come on, sweetie. We both knew how this was gonna end
Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight,
we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist, and a great guy,
Robert California.
Thank you.
Why do we love dogs?
Want me to tell you why?
There is no answer.
Our love for them confounds reason.
Do you believe this guy?
The State Senator Robert Lip\ton loves dogs.
He asked me if I loved dogs.
You know what I said?
Yes.
Not a joke. That, that was not even a joke
Bella here was a therapy dog for 10 years.
When her owner passed away, she came to this organization for placement.
But people don't often adopt older dogs.
So Bella and 11 heroes like her
are being cared for by our generous volunteers
because, frankly, nobody else will.
Of those dogs
Andy, that's very kind, but...
No, no, no This guy can talk and talk all he wants
but it's not that complicated.
Andy, why don't we discuss this... No, no, no. It's about
being there for someone after it's become inconvenient for them to be around
Hello, everyone. I'm Andy Bernard
and I am going to take that bitch home.
That is a female dog reference.
This bitch understands loyalty
Sassy human reference
Thank you. I will take Bella
Aw
And every single one of her friends
Oh, God
This way
Hope you all learned something Okay.
Huey's going to need his medication once every 90 minutes.
You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up
So other end's best
Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because Daisy will start to...
I was going to say bark but it's more of a scream
I'm so ready to love all of these animals
This one's even bonding with me already.
A therapy dog.
He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.
Stupid dog
If you would like to talk about this some more, my door is always open
So here's my office number and my cell number.
Thank you. Okay
Well, it looks like he really did just want
to talk about the issues I'm sorry, Oscar
No, sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here.
No, I'm certainly not disappointed that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me
I'd have to be a monster to root for that
A lonely, aging monster
Tacos were on sale
Eight for $3
Oh, great
Okay
Oh. Oh. Oh
These tacos
Mm-hmm Mmm
Uh.
Mmm
Mmm. Oh
Huh
Mmm
Well, that's hit the spot
Um
Very savory
What do you do with the crispy holder?
Here, let's try this again
Here, don't put your finger in
Yeah, just hold it like that. Hold it to the side
Right Hold it to the side
Lean it to the side. Look at me, like this
She's trying
The winner of the three-day trip to the Skytop Lodge
is Dwight Schrute!
Yes
The year-long membership to Scranton Bikram Yoga is...
Dwight Schrute!
Oh, yes
Yeah
A one hour appointment with the "Kissing Magician" goes to Dwight Schrute.
Oh, yeah
Well, I think I can save us all some time.
Dwight Schrute has won every single item here.
Thank you very much
All I had to do was look up the prices, idiots. Suck it
Well, Dwight, yes, you certainly are a record breaker.
Your donation is the largest we've ever received
at over $34,000.
Speech
Come on. Speech, speech
Thank you.
Wow, I can't tell you
what an honor it is to support this
thing.
And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever.
But I want to ask you something.
When did it become all about the money?
When did it become about the flower arrangements?
And the white wine spritzers?
Hmm?
And all the dinner rolls?
You people should be ashamed of yourselves.
How many courses did we have tonight?
Two? Three, maybe?
If you chose the pudding.
These tables tarted up like Victorian whores.
Let's remember we are all here
for the dog society.
He's what's important, whatever his name is.
Not any of this.
So that is going to be my donation to you.
Thank you and good night.
Whoa
Uh
Oscar. Nice to see you again
It was lovely It was lovely
And don't forget to call. Okay
Thanks so much for coming
Why does this always happen to me? Ahh!
I just feel so bad for Angela
Apparently, there were some silly rumors going around tonight
We are very much in love
Very much in love
So it just goes on under here like this?
That's right
Oh, God. Yeah, you never get used to that.
Hey, just wanted to check in to see how you're doing.
He's great. We're all great
Twelve dogs
This is my life now I'm a dog nurse
Look at that one, though. He's smiling
Yeah, he should be It's his first day without a muzzle
This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Absolutely, it's Yes
Awesome. I'm sorry
Are you guys nuts?
He's not doing great
He was fired
This is terrible
This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you
Not the best
You're right
He's right. I am a mess
This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine.
I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe
Maybe you would think it, too.
I'm sorry, it's just, I
in a lot of human conversations, so
Okay. Well, Andy, listen it's okay if you don't feel totally settled.
This is all very fresh
Yeah, I mean, admitting that you need help is the first step.
Yes, and also focusing on the positive.
Like, I got a lot of good things going on.
Yeah, like that rock opera.
You could always do that, right?
Yeah, I do. I have that
Yeah
You're going to be all right
No. No, he's not
Yes, I am
Thank you, Kev You're welcome
Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot.
And by sometimes I mean all times.
All the times
Every of the time
So, some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs
It's been great
Pepper's been getting me out of the house Going on runs
My dog Ruby doesn't do anything
She just lays there all day
She's so chill
What do you feed her?
Well, I put out Pro Bow Wow but she barely touches it
She's so dainty
Is she sick?
How are her poops?
Doesn't really poop
It's perfect
Nothing to pick up
She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl.
But I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.
Does she smell?
She smells horrible
It's unbelievable
But I don't want to put her in the bath
'Cause I'm afraid that she'll drown
People seem awful interested in you, Ruby
Guess they're just jealous, right?
Yeah, that a girl
That a girl
Man, that stinks