The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 24 - Free Family Portrait Studio - full transcript

Hello, my name is Oscar I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania
and I am gay
And I'm here to tell you that, yes it does get better
When I was younger What? What's he doing?
He's searching out younger gays.
No, it's just a way to tell young people
no matter how hard it gets for them
there's a brighter future ahead
With you
No matter how hard it gets for you... Kelly, seriously, I...
Just keep chatting I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam
Do you not own a mirror?
Webcams make me look the way I look in my fantasies.
I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.
I'm throwing out all my mirrors.
Okay, as you can see
at a dynamic workplace
Being gay is a celebration of life It's a simple...
I'm sorry. I just can't sit idly by
and have the gay youth of America
misled by some reductionist
I'm not misleading
...pep talk
Sexuality is a spectrum
It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as normal
It gets better, but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Hey, Robert? That guy he looks just like you
Damn it! Kevin. God
You okay, Robert?
I'm fine
Put some ice on it
In any case, it gets better
Maybe not much better but better.
It hurts
One, two, three
I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building.
At first I thought, "Muffin basket."
Then I thought, "What's even more precious to people than muffins?"
Can you just smile, please?
Their own children
Hey, everybody
Just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio.
Darryl, we'd love to see little Jada come by
Angela, why don't you bring by your little angel?
No, thank you
Jim, you've got those two cute kids
We sure would love to see them
doing this, Dwight
Last week, I may have gone too far
I'll explain it quickly
Basically I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned
custom-ordered the same suit made with tear-away Velcro
and you can fill in the rest.
What?
Damn it, Jim
Now he's trying to get me to bring my children into work
I think it's fair to be cautious
Let me get this straight you lost all of it?
All your winnings $150,000?
You mean to tell me no one wanted
an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?
They did not
You've got half-a-million of these?
Well, I've got to try it I wouldn't
Oh, come on. What's the harm?
Hmm
What flavor is that?
The coconut's pretty subtle
Come on, man. Can you just give us a yes or a no?
I don't know, man. You all quit with a lot of confidence
came up in here dancing and everybody was...
Ooh! Hold on a second
If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon
Then I would date the hell out of me
I wouldn't give in to me too fast,
let me buy myself some nice dinners and such
When I finally did give in I would go crazy on myself
Hi, guys
How's it going, man?
I'm... I'm good Thank you. How are you?
Great, yeah. Good
Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.
Oh, God
Look, I'm not here to get my old job back
I'm moving on
Just wanted to come in here and literally beg you
for something, anything
water the plants.
No, you don't Clean the toilets
Pull the poop out of the toilets
Not even a thing. Just please
Andy. Andy
Please give me something
Why don't you clean the carpets for today?
Thank you
Well, you're... Up you get, then
Pick yourself up
There it is. Thank you
You don't need to
Good, good This carpet's overdue for a good mopping
Is a mop the most efficient too to use on a carpet?
Yeah, it is, actually
I can't hold it in any longer
Because I convinced David Wallace
to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre
and at 3:00 today he's going to walk in here
and reinstate me as manager
Family picture
Pam. No
What? Honey, we talked about this.
No, we talked about not bringing them
into Dwight's photo studio/trap.
Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.
No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it
No, we settled in a much more rational place
remember? No
We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child
But are you 100% sure? I don't think any of us are
No, no
Nope
But it's free and we'll keep our eye on them
Yes Yes, that's
And we will make sure that Dwight doesn't do anything
Okay ...C-R-A-Z-Y
Wait. C-R-A-Z
Great, right up there
Yeah Yeah.
You sit right here one time.
There you go Okay.
All right, why don't you just give him to me?
Oh, great. Thank you
Perfect
This is great, excuse me
You ready? There you go
Okay. All right, let's do it
I'll just stand here then
Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight Okay, yeah
Sir, could you look into the camera?
Let's do it Shoot it. Great
Sir. Up here
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jim, right here right here. Okay. Good
Oh, so that's it? That's it
See, that wasn't so hard
Cute kids Thanks for coming.
Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody
What, why? Hi, honey. What... How are you doing?
You know, my office got a call
that they were shooting family portraits right here
And if there's one thing every politician instinctively understands
it's a good photo op
Okay, you're going to go through the hallway.
Here's a map And if you get lost just follow the blue line
Thanks
Well, well, well, Senator Lipton. Welcome
Angela. Dwight
Nice to see you
May I hold him? Sure
No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.
I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing
to get a sample of my baby's DNA
to prove he's the father
Which is impossible
Because the Senator is the only man I've ever been with
Did you see that?
What do you think about that? See?
See that ducky?
Okay, hold on a second, folks
A few of the baby's hairs are out of place
Oh, thank you No, no, no
I like the baby's hair the way it is.
Really?
This is getting more and more delicious by the minute.
It's go time
Hey, Nellie. I made... I made you
Well, I don't want any soup
But it's really good
Oh! Come on, Andy
Ah
I know this is going to be a great payoff
A delicious moment
But after you're manager
some of these images are going to be hard to shake
Well, but it's Just calibrate.
Okay? Calibrate
Okay, here we go
Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench into the works
but I want everything to be perfect
and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me.
Uh-uh. Leave us alone
with the fingernails
Okay, great. Suit yourself
Although
aren't those excess skin cells
in the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?
Dwight! We're fine
Oopsie! Did somebody make a poopsie?
I'm just going to take him out and change him
just for a second here
He defecated
Ooh Oh
Stinky
A lot has changed since you all left, okay?
You're going to have to jump through some hoops
And the new foreman is here
Now, she's one of the best we've ever known, okay?
So I need you to show her your utmost respect
Make sure that she feels welcome
and at home, okay? Can you do that?
That's some pretty blatant complimenting you're doing there, man
I don't even talk to her like that. - Uh, Brandon
You would? Yeah.
Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend
Calm down. He's not
Yes, I am
Just so everyone's on the same page.
So you really think she's going to
leave a guy who owns his own restaurant
for a dude who ate his own restaurant? Brandon.
Good slam
Thank you, Biggie
Good luck to you
Oh, and have a burger for me
Okay, shall we take a few more?
I think we have all the shots we need Thank you, Dwight
Okay, here we go Yes, here we go.
No, Dwight! Give me the diaper Dwight!
Is this what you were looking for?
Huh? Huh?
Andy, we wanted to talk to you.
A lot of us are very concerned about you
You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably
I just want you guys not to worry
because old Andy's going to be just fine
No, no, no see, this is what we're talking about
I mean, what was that accent?
And last time I checked you were drunk and now you're not drunk
No, unfortunately it's true
He's been a nightmare
and the worst part is he's been taking it out on me.
You hit her? - What?
No, no That is not the deal
Calibrate
He's not hitting me, but he's been verbally abusing me
That is not true, either
That's also total... Everyone please relax
I think you're going to like this surprise guest
Happy birthday to Gabe
Oh, get out, Skeleton Man
someone to talk to
Huh?
Hold on
I'm just going to... Hello?
Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close?
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no You have to come now.
Traffic clears. No, next Friday
That's not going to work Okay, yeah, okay
Damn it
Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted
but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys.
Not only am I not a lowly janitor,
once again
Guys, I got my old job back
Oh, boy Oh, Andy
I'm not crazy I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back
David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.
Okay, yes I see the confusion
at the fundraiser
He is now a multi-millionaire
because he sold his toy vacuum "Suck It'
to the U.S. Military
Andy, come on, man
I... Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.
Andy, nobody's calling you crazy, Andy.
We're your friends, Andy
Stop saying my name
No, he's not making this up. Thank you, Erin
Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time
But have you ever actually seen him yourself?
Oh, my God. Wait
Erin, come... Come on
You know I've been talking to David Wallace
Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?
Operation Phoenix is a go Just get the car ready
Okay, you look at me like you're adoring me
and I'm going to look at the camera
like I don't even know you're there
But I do adore you
Andrew, it's time for you to go home
You're better than this
Yeah, I know
Everyone is better than this
Because this is the worst thing I have ever seen
Why did they add coconut? I miss original.
Hey. - Hey
Hey, guys - Hey
Hey, guys, long time
David, what are you doing here?
Is it true you're buying the company?
Okay, I guess the word is out
Please keep this a secret but yes, I've been talking with Andy.
What? I thought I heard my name. What?
I'm the new manager?
I'll get to that in a second, Andy
But it's It is me? Right?
Yes as we discussed
What?
Oh, my God
It's very possible Probable.
Wow. From janitor to manager?
Yep
It's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to MVP
There's an official announcement A few details...
From total loss to total boss. I mean
Can we expect any payroll interruptions?
Now that is a great question, Stanley
Right now I think all your operations
or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida,
so the shift back
I was so looking forward to that and it did not go
as I thought it would
So we're not going to be a part of Sabre anymore?
Actually nothing is going to be a part of Sabre anymore
Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company
Oof!
Wouldn't want to be a Sabre employee right about now.
I'm actually the CEO
Ah
I didn't realize you were standing there
Hey, my friend, trust me
This is for the best I never understood that corporate mess
Well, okay. Well, great to meet you
Likewise, I'm Bob Bob Kazamakis.
Pleasure
I'd love to give you a little rundown
on what I've learned about this place.
That's very gracious of you, Bob
Please
I guess I better take off these dirty rags
and figure out how to be a manager of this place.
Perhaps your year of experience
managing this branch will come in handy.
Gosh, I hope so
No! God, Mose. God
Hi, Angela
Get out of the car Get out!
Where is he? Where is he?
I'm not supposed to say Yes, tell me!
Tell me where he is
Mose! Damn it Where did he go?
Mose, get back here
See that smile
Jump in here Come on
Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.
May I say one thing?
It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind
"The quality of mercy is not strained.'
No
"It dropeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath."
Do not bring Shakespeare into this
How dare you play the "Bard Card."
"It blesseth he who gives and he who takes.
"'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.'
one mother * delicious moment.
Is that too much to ask?
If I were to hire you back, if
what do you think you would do well?
Special projects manager That's my background.
Doing whatever I want
All right, you sly bastard when can you start?
Okay, everyone
with Bob
and since I am going to be CEO now, there'll be no need for him
Ouch! That's got to hurt
But he is going to make so much money from the liquidation,
he's going to be freed up to do
something much more important. What?
David has generously offered to donate $1,000,000 in matching funds
to a cause that's very dear to me
So for the next three years I'll be traveling overseas,
concentrating all of my efforts on educating, mentoring
some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women
I had no idea how pervasive
this problem was until Bob explained it to me
Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy
and other schools like it while wonderful, end with high school.
I want to see these girls right through college.
Especially the gymnasts
They've lost so many years of crucial education
to perfecting their bodies
Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom
Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Yeah. So I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women
who show great promise
Well, Andy, it's been fun
Hmm
It's been a great year
Hello Where is it?
They're testing it now
How long does it take to get the results?
Seventy-two hours
You're going to wait here?
Yes
Dwight, I can't do this Dwight
Hey Senator Lipton.
Hey, how are you?
You didn't call
Um
Well, the issue that concerned me
You know what this is about.
Call