The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 20 - Welcome Party - full transcript

Hey, Jim Stanley's back from the hospital today.
Can you sign his card? Oh, great
"Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy."
That's not good
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious
It's nice. It's funny
It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes
a funny little joke about his mustache
Stanley doesn't have a mustache
Yeah, he does
Pam, hit the brakes Stanley does not have a mustache.
I think he has a mustache
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day
Phyllis, does he have a mustache or not?
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't
Phyllis, what are you talking
The whole card depends on this
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years
How can none of us picture his face?
Because we come here to do our jobs
We don't stick our noses in other people's business
Okay. Which one of these looks more right?
Neither of those looks like any person
that has ever existed or been dreamt of
in the history of human insanity
That said the one on the left
Guys, that's the elevator What if it's him?
Okay, quick, who says "mustache"?
Yep
Who says "no mustache"?
Ah!
Hey! He does have one
Yes
Welcome back, Stanley.
"Good morning, Robert, ' says no one
because our receptionist is in Florida.
Pam Oh
Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake featuring Swizz Beatz"?
Um, no, I was just having a cup of coffee
kind of warming up for the day.
People, you should come to work already warm
9:00 to 10:00 a.m. is the most productive potential that human beings...
Sorry! Sorry, everyone I'm late
but you are all here, so no harm done at a by my lateness
Nellie, really, 9:50
Oh, here's what happened.
7:46, my alarm clock goes off, I hear it, whack the snooze.
Nine minutes. Buzz, off it goes again, whack
Seven more times I did that Buzz, whack, buzz, whack.
By the time I got up, it was 10 minutes ago
No will power That is my curse
I've never believed will power was very important in a woman
would have shown up to work
nearly an hour late for no reason.
Oh, I assure you I would have done
I did And I'll keep doing it
No, no, there's something going on some stress in your life.
Well, yes, there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense
Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida.
Then, I have to move into my apartment
in this dreadful, God knows where it is
backwater, suburb of a suburb
and I mean no offense, but are there
a lot of Irish people living around here?
Yes - Oh
No offense
None taken
Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Ooh! Ay caramba! The natives are getting restless.
Who's a native?
Excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile
I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff
on the basketball court
What does that mean? Okay, okay
If you'd let me finish
Or the squash court or the supreme court Hmm?
Nellie? Yes, Robert
You're clearly under a lot of stress with the moving
and the work situation you've found yourself in
Yeah
Let's help her out shall we?
Go above and beyond today
to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality
Jim, Dwight, take the day
Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place
Why Jim? What?
The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day
to welcome the newest member of our little community.
I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone
because they're being horrible?
I'm sorry. We're taking work time
to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment
I'm still not sure why this woman is even here!
Why is she here?
Two crazy kids on the journey of life
Going to Pennsylvania
On the road with my new girlfriend
But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend,
who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania
Oh, that must be nice
Mmm-hmm
It's a beautiful place Great place to let her down easy.
Oh, no, no I meant that must be nice to have parents.
Oh. Hmm
Time to have a little kiss
No
Mmm. Sorry, right
No kisses until the breakup is official Yes
I believe in that Yes, so do I
I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important
Important. Mmm-hmm
I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her
She's always late she's always rude
It kind of makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Yeah
On purpose
Phyllis
We should do it right here in the break room
Ooh
Order carrot cake
And Jessica just so you know
this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you
Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible
and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman.
Okay. That was one minute and 10 seconds
Consider it nailed
should try it again
This time worst case scenario
Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know
What?
I just need you to know
What? I didn't sleep well last night
Ow
Nellie, that reminds me do you want this chair in the bedroom?
'Cause I don't think it's going to fit through the door
Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris?
"Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally
"Oh, I have no idea what a gift this line is.'
That was one time
I will get the chair in. Watch the great "Schrut-ini" work his magic
Oh, no, really? Magic, no, no, no let's not go there
No, nothing is more repellent than magicians
Bunch of grown men waving wands
pulling bunnies out of body crevices
Magicians are repulsive Next topic
Excuse me, one second
Hi - Hey, what's up?
Oh, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.
Hauling cube
That's moving boxes
We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler
So, we're planning this party for Nellie,
and we're going to make it really bad.
It sounds like every other party
No, we're going to make it like a prank
like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card
Oh, hire a magician
What?
Trust me Okay.
Wow, there's a lot of cars here This is just weird.
Andy. Hi, what are you doing here?
Hey, Lauren look at you.
I'm just on my way back from this business trip
thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica
Aw
Why is Erin with me? That's a great question
She is my co-worker and she needed a ride because she totaled her car
Oh, God
So I'm Erin Yeah, this is Erin
Hi. Nice to meet you
Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon
Mmm-hmm
Hey, ladies, Andy's here
Okay, Andy, that is a bachelorette party
This is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime
Should we go?
Yeah
You know, we had such a quick window to make this work.
I think we should probably just
Oh, Jess look who stopped by after his business trip
Andy, hey
are called presidential-sized in England
a "Tweeter" account
Yes, you should
Ooh
I have to see these shoes.
Oh
Who is this guy?
There's the two of them taking a hike
I'm guessing he's some kind of friend
Boyfriend
Here's the two of them kissing at a beach
and kissing at the Eiffel Tower
I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend
Like a boyfriend?
You read my mind. Yeah
Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.
Hmm
Maybe someone threw a pie in his face.
New theory, he's a hated Italian politician
Better theory, this is her ex-boyfriend
and they went through some kind of painful breakup
Oh - Nellie
so sorry, we were just
discovered Benjamin
That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry
Why not call... Shh
God, we owned this flat together
Then one morning just like that, he was gone
He ran off with a waitress at our favorite restaurant.
That's awful
What kind of restaurant?
Dwight
afford the flat myself So I sold it at a loss
Ah, but what's 10 years of bliss down the drain
compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?
I'm so sorry These must be very painful memories
If it would help you to forget
in the brain stem with this candlestick
Thank you. No
Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this
No, no, of course
Just one quick question was this Halloween or
God, no
That's the most embarrassing thing of all of this.
What kind of fool gets her heart broken by a bloody stage magician?
You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here
Let's give up on all this mean stuff
What? No. No. I just had this brilliant idea
Everyone loved it.
You don't have a copyright on pranks
at this than you
No, that's not Jim, could you give us a hand?
Absolutely. Yeah
Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay?
It's way more complicated than you think.
Cancel the magician. Trust me.
Oh, okay. Okay, I will
That's a great idea
Yeah. Okay
Pam, we have a great idea. - Listen to this
We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering.
It's going to make everyone sick
Or what if Okay.
...we discuss the idea of doing the party totally normal
Like, not mean
Just a regular party
Not mean
I knew she'd crack I wanted to leave you out, you know.
We're in far too deep We can't change course at this point
What are you talking about? Of course we can
What I mean to say is we don't want to.
Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks
Suck it
Andy
It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?
No. I'll just have some gummy bears
These are delicious
But they're penises
And we come to Matthew
the guy who was with his old girlfriend
basically the whole time we were together
Oh, no
Eww! That seems gross at first blush, right?
But relationships are always more complicated than you think.
Know Matthew's history with this other woman
Maybe she saved his life I don't know
rush to judgment about Matthew
Maybe we don't pop that one.
No. Pop it Pop it
Pop it
Hey Hey
Sorry It's kind of a mad house
Oh, Megan
You are one of the good ones, Nard Dog. Aw
No, really. Where's my Andy?
He's out there
Are you going to sing for us?
Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so
That's not like you That's not like you Come on, sing! Sing
By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes
Okay, they're almost here What?
Come on! If you guys are going to be mean
can't you at least be subtle?
Oh, in the warehouse we'd use code names
for people we wanted to talk about
Andy was "Jelly Roll.' Mike was "Dennis the Menace.