The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 21 - Angry Andy - full transcript

Phew! Wow. It is raining cats and dogs out there.
Holy moly
Phyllis says the same 12 clichés every time it rains.
So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today,
I will send out for hot chocolates
So how was the drive in?
Nobody knows how to drive in the rain.
You don't say? Yeah.
You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?
I think it's the oil, it comes to the surface. - I agree
Ooh! The plants are gonna love this. Yeah
PHYLLIS I actually sleep better when it's raining
Tell me about it
Time's almost up. How many are left? Just one.
"This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book.'
Phyllis, this rain, does it make you want to be doing something?
What do you mean?
You know, like, aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?
Hey, come on Lots of things are cozy in the rain.
And that's noon Exactly!
Sorry about that everybody.
Hey, Phyllis would you like a hot chocolate?
Ooh, I'd love one
I'm going out to get two hot chocolates
the rain would make me want to stay at home,
curled up with a good book
but everybody's being so nice to me today.
I'm really happy being here
My girlfriend's back and there's going to be trouble
Hey, la, hey, la, his girlfriend's back
Hey, la, hey, la, my girlfriend's back
A month ago, I walked out of this office
positive I was never coming back
I probably shouldn't have emailed everyone
telling them exactly what I thought of them
Hey, Erin, thank you for the nice email.
Yeah. I don't get emotional a lot but that was...
I'm just glad to know I had an impact
In other news Erin and Andy are back together
Crazy story Yes
down to Florida, she was not expecting it
totally swept her off her feet. Right? Yeah.
How long was the drive?
It's like a day and a half each way.
But when I got there, I went right up to the house, and I was like
Day and a half? My lumbar would be killing me.
You should get this lumbar support cushion thing my dad has
What's it called? Um
Not Easy-Rest
That gas must've cost a pretty penny, huh?
Well he's got a Prius
How many times you fill the tank? Three, four?
What does gas cost down there?
Lumbar Buddy Lumbar Buddy
Oh, yeah Lumbar Buddy.
Tell you what, I'll email you the story
It's a real tearjerker, though
So read with caution
Anyway, I know it's the end of the day.
We just wanted to stop by and say hi
And then later on, we have a reservation at Patsel's.
Miss Lumbar
Hey, Kev Yeah.
Nice sweater Thank you
Nellie was nice enough to give it to me
She's sweet I just wish there was pockets
What happened to Old Salty?
Nellie let me bobble-ize him
His name is now Captain Mutato.
I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction.
Captain Mutato is half-man, half-mermaid
So he can fight crime as a man
and make love as a mermaid.
Most of my writing involves the latter
Okey-doke
Yes?
Whoa
Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about
I am the famous Andy Bernard you have been hearing all about.
Oh, yes I just want to thank you
for jumping in and minding the store
during my temporary absence
You are most welcome
Anyway, now that I'm back I would love to have my office back,
whenever you get a chance. No
Obviously we'll figure out the logistics
of moving all of this stuff out of here.
But, you know the sooner the better Get back to normalcy
Mmm. No
Thank you
Okay
Wait. Uh
When I showed up here there was no manager
It's like when the Americans showed up at the Moon
Nobody was there
So they planted their flag,
and it's their moon now, isn't it?
Nobody likes it but it's America's bloody moon
Just lay him in his crib and then bicycle his legs
And then after Jim quiets down
you do the same thing with your baby.
But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call
Oh, my gosh thank you so much
But seriously, we don't want to bother you
any more than we already have. That's it
It's no bother. You guys are our friends
Ravi, our amazing paediatrician,
was asking us if we knew any girls
and I said, "I know the perfect girl.'
Yeah. Because Kelly is Indian and Oh, that's it
Race had nothing to do with it.
I just knew they'd be good together
Why?
Kelly has been a handful in the past.
But she's had a bad influence.
She's like an addict, and I just had to get her clean.
Get lower
Next, I'm going to set up my sister with Darryl.
Okay, we get it
What? I think they'd be good together. Really?
Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby
Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do not shake the baby?
Don't shake the baby
A lot of times parents get frustrated because the baby's crying
and they shake the baby and you got to...
You can't do that
Don't shake our baby Yeah.
Okay, I'd never heard that before
Oh, my God So, thank you
Yeah, I'm glad you said something Me, too.
Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants.
And her new boyfriend seems awesome,
if you're into Indian people
I'm not
And that's when I realized
if you're gonna put a thermometer in one end,
you'd better put a lollipop in the other.
Hey, I'm sorry Is this a workplace or a Starbucks?
Because I was under the impression it was a workplace.
Maybe I'm the crazy one
No. No, we're sorry. Come on, let's go, Ravi
Also, since when do we have guests here without clearance?
Hey, um
What's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?
Yeah, they're really great together
Makes me wonder if I made a mistake
No, no, no. Come on I think you guys are both happier now, right?
You're single. Plenty of girls to date, right?
Yeah
Maybe we weren't right together but it's weird
I'd rather she be alone than with somebody.
Is that love?
That's about it, yeah
Well, Nellie picked up the slack around here
while you were trolling the Florida beaches for ta
like some college student on spring break.
I had to tell Erin how I felt
Andy, I appreciate your romantic quest
and in an age before the telephone or Internet,
or written language that would be compelling
But there are five six devices in this room alone
that would have let you tell her that without ever going to Florida.
We live in amazing times
Yeah, I know I screwed up
But I always do whatever you ask of me
and this will never happen again.
And if Erin decides she's made a mistake and returns to Florida?
At least she knows how I feel, and I would not follow her.
What if she were kidnapped by a gang of Albanian human traffickers?
Like in Taken?
What?
Yes, of course if she's taken.
That's what I'm talking about By Albanians
I would stay in this office
Wow, okay. I'll remember you said that
Nellie
you've been terrific in your interim capacity
but Andrew is the rightful manager
so if you would just give him his office
No. I'm sorry?
This is what I was trying to tell you.
I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me
Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it
because then it feels so good when they finally say yes.
You're both adults I'm sure you can
figure this out between yourselves
desire to influence a business decision
So, I find it best to recuse myself temporarily
until I've had a chance to make love
and then go back and analyze the situation rationally.
Buffett operates the same way.
I want to order the zebra rug for my office,
but can you dye it entirely black?
No, I still want it to be a zebra.
Well, I'll know
Because they're ridiculous creatures
They don't know what they are.
Phyllis says J. Duffy's might be more our speed
And if we want even the option of drawing on the placemats...
of an anger problem
Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.
When I see him start to get mad,
on his arm like this
It reminds me to just check out and relax
There's also a lullaby they used to sing to me when I was growing up.
The state of Pennsylvania is watching over you
No need for parents, the governor will do
It's really nice
The General Assembly's like a mom and a dad
...had
about a trespasser
Yes. Right this way
Because they are idiots. Big, stripy, horsey idiots
What you don't... Hey
Hank, please remove Nellie from my office
Hank, thank God you're here.
This psychopath keeps barging into my office
It's my office
Well, she's sitting there like a manager
And you're standing up here like me
But maybe it's a little more complicated than that
I'm going to count down from five
and if you're not out of my office
I'm going to dock your pay $100
Five, four
You can't dock my pay
Three, two, one
Congratulations, you just lost $100
Really?
Angela dock Andy's pay $100
On it
Great Five, four, three two, one.
Angela, please dock Nellie's pay $100.
Hmm?
Is she responding? Hmm
Angela? Do you want to go again?
Angela! Let's go again
Five, four, three two, one.
Oh, she's counting again Look out.
Angela, $200 - Got it
Seriously, Angela?
I know what, let's go $10,000
Five, four You're just saying numbers.
It's meaningless. Three
It's literally like Two, one
There you go
Hey, we're going to have a nice hot date
What are you guys talking about?
Charlie Rose I don't know who that is
Guys He has...
Guys, come here
What are you... Come on
Where are we going?
Okay. Do you guys want
Andy, you should not stand there.
The warehouse guys pee there all the time
Ew
Okay. Do you guys want to be part of something huge?
I'm already a member of the largest club there is.
Non-churchgoing Christians.
You remember in the movie Rudy,
when the player comes into the coach's office
and he throws his jersey down and he's like,
"I'm not playing without Rudy.'
And the coach is like, "One guy. No big deal.'
But then every player comes in, one by one
and they all throw their jerseys down for Rudy. Remember that?
Yeah, I remember that
So, how amazing would it be
if you guys all did that for me
with your own brand new Dunder Mifflin jerseys?
Hey, guys
Gross. Gross, gross
You don't need to go
while I was journaling,
and they reminded me of you.
Those are from our weekend at the time-share.
Yeah, the fractional ownership property
We took this one right before we got in that huge fight
God, I don't even remember what that fight was about.
You were being really bratty about
where we would go out to dinner
but all I remember is how pretty you looked taking those pictures of me
Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own,
Yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks
I'd like that
You were so annoyed that I was taking that picture
Someone's into my abs
Sorry
You have doubles of this one, I could probably just take one
I really want both
I am seeing a side of Ryan that I have never seen
since the last time we were broken up
with Kelly Kapoor
And I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow or the next day
or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now
all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her.
Again, that could change
Hey. So, last night was so not a big deal
Oh, yeah, I was just tired
We both were Yeah.
Plus I was definitely not my normal sexy self
No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy.
Just the thought of you last night like, crazy turns me on
It just didn't last night But you were so dang doable
Even though we didn't do it
Well, it's not like we can't do it again when Whenever you're ready.
Uh, yeah. We are sexing it up tonight. I don't care what you say
No. It will be consensual
Whether you like it or not
Sounds good I'm gonna do you
Not if I do you first. Oh
But really it's not a big deal
Yeah. I know it's not a big deal.
Oh, hey, instead of lunch do you feel like going shopping?
Are you serious? Yes
That would be... I can't Can you believe this?
Hey, can you believe it? Nope
Hmm
Oh, do you want that dress in every size and every color?
Yeah, it's free returns
getting along with Ryan again
He's so sweet He pointed to my latte and he said
"Kelly, that would be the color of our children.'
God. Yeah, he's so great
Remember how it felt when he cheated on you, though?
Which time?
I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan
And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician
Why you would even ask or were going to ask
Because I feel like that question was coming
But, you know, whatever Ask me anything.
When you lost the manager job Yes?
...did it affect you outside of the office?
How?
I don't know what the technical term is
Penial softy-osus
Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me
You came to the exact right person for this.
No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that.
Ever, ever. Never
Okay? Okay
Washington Monument Okay
Eiffel Tower! Okay
Colossus at Rhodes
Hey! I hear you've been badmouthing me to Kelly
All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly
Well, that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion
If you have something bad to say to me, Pam say it to my face
Fair enough. Um
a very good person
And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before.
Well, a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is
Come on, Ryan, really? Ravi's way better.
For Kelly? Yeah.
Man, you're insane right now Ravi's the whole package.
I've never met Ravi personally,
but I'm going to go ahead and say
just having known you a short while, Brian,
that I prefer Ravi, and again I've never even met the guy.
Kelly, look around Nobody believes in us
Nobody
Ryan, just stop making a scene in front of all my friends
Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem.
But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it
Oh, come on... Oh, no, no, no read it, please.
No, it would cause me too much pain.
Read through the pain. Be strong
This poem would crush you.
God, Ryan, go away She found herself a beautiful boyfriend
Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous
Please leave her alone
You see, Kelly? Our love scares them
It screws up their cookie cutter world
Do you guys think he's right, though?
Do we live in a cookie cutter's world?
Absolutely, but it's not the point. God
One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that
Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend
and Meredith said she was interested, and then Gabe said immediately
that his friend might be taking the ticket,
so I'll keep you posted on that.
Every day, I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office.
Most of it's irrelevant
But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on.
Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity,
so congratulations on that.
What do you mean?
Erin made it clear to me that he was unable
to perform sexually last night.
By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large
it was like I was wearing no blanket at all
but you just demolished him!
I'm little bit jealous, actually
Reduced him to a mere ant
I just wanted to take the man's job not his manhood.
Are we good? Everybody got a jersey?
I still think it's weird that we're just doing Rudy.
Like, not a spin on it we're just doing it.
What about The Dead Poets Society?\ Much better movie
What? Get your movie rankings right, dude.
Why can't we just do whatever movie we want?
'Cause I was gonna do a Spartacus.
Oh, I wanna do a Spartacus.
I am Spartacus
No, I am Spartacus
Hey, guys, we're doing Rudy, okay? So get ready
Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room
Sure. But first, there is something
No, that's not important Conference room, now.
You can't call a meeting, so
But I would like to have a meeting
in the conference room right now,
so come on, guys let's get in the conference room.
Thank you. Good
Thank you for coming to my meeting
Appreciate it
Okay, if you would like to take a seat, we can get started.
Can't do it because I got to run a meeting, so
Wanted to talk to all of you guys about importance
and know that each and every one of you is vitally important
Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence.'
Which is important in its own way
so if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy
Take a man's job, but leave him his balls
Margaret Thatcher said that, probably
Don't know. Don't read Didn't see the movie.
So, Nellie wanted to have a meeting on impotence.
Have to run it as impotence is a concept
as foreign to me as baba ghanoush
Something to do with eggplant
That's all I know
This meeting is not about any one person in particular
It is a human problem. It's not just a human problem
Flounders frequently experience impotence
especially when converting from male to female
and then back again to male - Really?
Nellie, does the "person" affected by this want us to help her
in any way in particular?
Oh! Oh
It's not me. No, no
I've never had any problem in that arena
And I have been with several older men
How old? How old?
Jinx, buy me some Coke
Dwight told me about it earlier
Dwight?
You promised
Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?
No, no, no, no, no it's not me.
I'm going to prove it right here and now.
What are you doing? Stop that, Dwight
Stop that, stop it
Fine, it was me. I couldn't I had a problem with Erin last night
Happy?
My mind last night and I didn't perform
Okay, it happens to plenty of guys
It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview
Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna?
D-Dog
Um
I'm terrible at math overweight
You're in great shape A lot better shape than I am tell you what.
It seems Andy is the only one with this problem
Fascinating Fascinating
what the problem is Erin doesn't even like sex
Remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton
Chumbo, come on, help me out Any problems with Little Chumbo?
Tip top shape
Stanley No. Mmm-mmm
Creed, you are 1,000 years old
Haven't heard any complaints Wouldn't care if I did
Okay, so Actually, Andy
we've experienced it
What happened?
A couple of times. A couple of times?
Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.
Yeah. Get it out there - Yeah, Jim.
Um
Uh, yes, that time that it was very late
Uh.
We had had sex so many times already I was exhausted
Okay, stop. I could barely see I was very drunk
If it makes you feel any better
I never had an orgasm until I was 42
And then when I did, it lasted until I was 44
Forty-three was just
I've read, and I don't know anything about this personally
but they say prostate stimulation can help.
Ugh
This is just a This American Life I think I heard
No, that's absolutely the case. I know, right?
You know my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only
but I could let you rent it
Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life?
Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share?
Wow. Oh What are we talking about?
Toby, doesn't HR have some rules
against talking about this kind of stuff?
Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything
The most important thing to remember is do not stress about this
Stress just makes it worse
and then you stress more and that's a vicious spiral
come in today
Dad, don't think of it as a demotion
just think of it as a promotion to a lower level.
I don't think you have to tell your friends anything
It hasn't been decided yet.
Erin, on the phone memos you're writing the date American style
Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year
Small, bigger, biggest
Oh
Sexual innuendo not intentional.
Shut up. Shut up, liar
"Sexual innuendo not intentional!"
I am sick of your dumb opinions
and if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here
Take them yourself
Our sex life is none of anyone's business
And Andy is the manager Not Nellie
Stop protecting me! I'm a man! I can protect myself
This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry!
I don't mean to lash out at you
There's a lot coming up right now all at once
Dad, go to he I'm taller than you
Okay, just calm down
You are not the manager I earned that job!
Chosen after Robert was chosen and quit
Andy, why don't you just take a seat?
Why don't you take a seat, idiot?
Why don't you take all your stupid memos?
And your stupid pens and your dumb caramels
And your stupid face
And your stupid office
Ah! Ow
He does not like that wall
Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.
That would actually be cool I'd love for you to meet some of the guys
Andy, Erin you can join us now
What do you like about Ryan?
Ryan keeps up with all the latest technology trends
And he's very honest with me about when I put on weight
And he has the soul and the body of a poet
Mmm
Ravi's hotter
and looks are subjective,
but there's no question about it
Yeah, but I'm just worried
that I'm only attracted to Rav
because he looks exactly like this Calvin Klein model that I'm attracted to.
Who cares? That's fine
When I was your age, I had to choose between a Ryan and a Rav
and I chose the Ryan
And if I hadn't, I wouldn't have my kids
You'd still have kids
Better kids. You've got to go with Ravi.
Here's my advice Figure out what your heart wants.
And if it's not Ravi, change it. To Ravi
why this is a dilemma for you
He has, like, this je ne sais quoi.
He taught me that
Ravi makes me incredibly happy
And Ryan puts me through so much drama
So I guess I just have to decide
which of those is more important to me
Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager
and put you back on the sales team
we'll all laugh about this incident.
I already think it's kind of funny
No
Excuse me?
I'm saying no
Well, you can't say no
No
Oh. Boo
Holy crap
Boo! Boo! Boo to you Pam, you are toxic You are toxic.
Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, but please don't interrupt
Yeah, but you do a lot, so just don't.
Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you
the way that you for whatever reason
feel you deserve to be treated
But I want to marry you Kelly Kapoor
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but some day.
And probably
Barf! Oh! You suck
What is your problem?
Hey, can we turn this back around quickly please?
Can we turn this around quickly? This is very important to me
Turn around Turn around
Can we turn this * thing around, please? Thank you.
She don't want to turn around. Thank you
Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together,
I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you Nor should I
Modern marriages aren't built that way Men aren't built that way
There's a very interesting article I can email to you
But I can tell you this, even if the odds are 50-50
that we'll break up within the week
Ryan
Will you roll those dice with me?
You mean so much to me
But I love Ravi and I choose him No, you don't
No, you don't
still be friends
Can I have a hug?
Oh. Ew
Well, it's good to see Kelly is maturing.
Oh, God
Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.
No
It's the apology. I really have to insist
No Stop saying "no."
No
Andrew, if you say "no" one more time you're fired.
So, is there anything else you want to say?
No
I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time,
Here.
But you hurt your hand. I got it
Right now? Yes
You're not the least bit curious
to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?
Not at all. Can we go?
"Kapoor and Ka-desperate he watches.'
Second line! "He is a drifter out to sea."
"And when the Indian Ocean calms one speck of white remains
"in waters cold and Kelly green.'
It's just so dumb
But when he describes himself as a child lost on a life raft...
Ryan can never know