The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 19 - Get the Girl - full transcript

This is Pam
Oh, my God, are you sure? Okay, okay, we'll be right there
Everybody
The balloon is falling - What?
There's this balloon that has been floating
in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever.
And
Okay, it's not it doesn't sound cool you just have to see it
Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either
But it's been up there a long time,
so it's become a pretty big deal
Wow. It's the end of an era.
You did a good job, buddy
Now it's time to come home
I remember when that balloon went up there I was still with Gil
We were so happy
When that went up there I had hair like Rapunzel.
How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin?
I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say,
"Look, a balloon.'
My Warcraft clan was still on speaking terms
My kid didn't have a face tattoo
of going back to school
And I was still just a paper salesman
This has been fun, Pam Thanks for calling us all down here.
Kill the balloon Kill the balloon!
Kill the balloon Kill the balloon
Hey
So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning
Who wants it? - Ooh! Right here
Right here! Pick me
Allow me to solve your problem then
Nellie
Mmm
Ugh! That is disgusting
Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?
What brings you to town?
Certainly not the Harry Houdini museum What a nobody
"Oh, look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack,
"let's build a shrine.'
No, I've come to work here.
What?
How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle?
She stinks of failure
The fact that she could show her face around here
is an embarrassment
an identical situation
Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome, I'm Tony
What?
Okay, I made a mistake I thought it might go unnoticed.
But, I'm Toby
You messed up saying your name?
It happens, okay?
So let's just find an empty desk for you
and I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.
That one looks empty
No. It's Andy's office
Oh, is it?
I have one simple philosophy in business
if the seat is open the job is open.
It's how I came to briefly race a Formula One car
The three slowest laps ever recorded.
Another beautiful day in Tallahassee.
Good morning, Alonzo
Good morning, Erin
How are you? How's your family doing?
Bye
Look at this place. Five rooms and I get to clean them all
That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady
Her grandson's staying with us, too, because he ran out of money
Listen to me, bragging away
Nellie Robert
How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
So far, so good The water pressure in the hotel is marvelous
It is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?
Mm-hmm
Now, let's find you something fun to do here shall we?
Oh, I've already found it
a natural next step It fits like a glove.
We have a manager
Do you really? Because it is 10:00
I've been in this chair for an hour
and no other manager has come and sat on my lap
Excuse me has anyone seen Andy this morning?
Yeah, that's weird He's usually here by now Right, guys?
Hello? Andy, it's Robert
Why aren't you at work?
Hey, Robert, I really wish I could come into work today
but I'm super sick.
Please come to work immediately
Okay, I'll try to come in, even though I'm really sick
with the Florida flu
He just hung up on me mid-sentence
I'm in Florida to get Erin
As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton,
and drove straight down until I hit the ocean.
My heart is my map
Turns out Tallahassee is about two hundred miles inland,
so I overshot a good amount
But still, not bad for a heart map, right?
Ew
Thanks a lot, BP
Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Can't you do something about this?
Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim
Right
What is going on, and where's Andy?
And what is going on?
Erin, you got a package
ERIN I'm in the bathroom
Where's the postage? I mean there's no shipping label
Did you wash your hands?
Yes
Here I am, signed, seaped, delivered I'm yours
Andy, what are you doing here?
It's great to see you
Ah
Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton
because I love you and I want to be with you.
Where's the ring?
Hmm?
Where's the ring, Lancelot?
Would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second?
Sorry, Glenn
Um
Andy I am so happy to see you
but I'm not coming back with you
GLENN Why won't she go with him?
I don't know. Maybe it's because he's not that handsome
Hey
Don't listen
So what is going on?
That does seem to be the question doesn't it?
"Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady?'
So, who knows what's going on? Anyone?
You, yes, wait. I am very good intuiting names
Is it Chumbo?
A cross between "dumbo' and "jumbo
with a hint of "chubby.'
It's not a name
So no one can tell me what's going on?
Well, let me illuminate things for you
We are getting to know each other
"But why, my lady?'
Because I am your new manager
Robert, is Nellie our new manager?
This is an odd situation
But it's very interesting how it's playing out.
We live in this world of routines and rhythms
Kevin ate someone's lunch, Phyllis has a new necklace
Who is this woman?
I came in here simply trying to get to know you learn your names,
maybe have someone teach me the company song.
And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect
You leave me no choice
but to get to know you in a more intimate way
Hot tub party?
Performance reviews
How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?
On first impressions, so I recommend smiling
It goes a long way with me
Erin, you really nailed the hotdogs today
Thanks. I've been reusing the hotdog water, so it gets more flavor.
It's only going to keep getting better
So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend, Jessica,
feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?
Well, we're not really dating anymore
so basically, I mean I just have to
cross a few t's and dot a few I's you know.
So you came to get me but you still have a girlfriend.
I think you should leave young man
All right, technically yes. I am still technically dating Jessica
But when I realized that I wanted you back
and I drove down here
and I didn't want to stop until I saw you
You didn't even stop to pee? Gross!
Any luck?
No, he just keeps letting all the calls go to voice-mail.
Please leave a message
for Andy Bernard Include your name...
Oh, you're doing so good! Oh, my God, you're Superman over there
You should take it
It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.
Nope, It's just work Not important
You know I can really feel this in my quads.
Getting stronger
You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session
Just let it vibrate It's fine.
You could put it on silent.
I don't think it does that
Just go to preferences then click...
Proctology
Andy?
Jim?
Andy, where are you?
I'm home in bed I've been in bed all day
He's here in Tallahassee trying to turn my life upside down.
What? You're in Florida?
Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.
What do you mean take my job?
Like, set up camp in your office
and is calling herself the manager.
Okay
Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me
but I'm not coming home without Erin
So, I'll talk to you later
Guys
We cannot do these performance reviews okay?
If we go into them you're basically
accepting Nellie as your manager
And trust me You do not want her as your manager
Trust you?
The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?
Dwight should she be our manager?
I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm
Those who can't farm farm celery
And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever?
All right let's get going
First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet
Phyllis
Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable
being evaluated by someone I don't know
Oh
Okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are going to go
Dwight
I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect
I lost respect for you in Florida.
If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever
Dwight, I have completed your evaluation
You're getting a raise
What?
Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders.
You are our Atlas
and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?
There's no limit to what I think I deserve
Then you accept it?
Five percent, no less
Absolutely not
Seven percent
Six percent I know my worth
Raise isn't real
Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard
So, Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game,
do you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.
Phyllis
Pam
So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.
Really? Oh, yeah
The way you conquered your fear and came in here,
and now the way you sit there.
All very impressive
Um
Are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?
Yeah, she gave one to Dwight, Phyllis
Let me guess, you want one, too
Take the family to Disney Town
Land! World
It's not that I don't want Well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise.
That's not what I'm saying That's not... Sorry.
Jim, I told Andy to come in and yet he is still not in.
By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it
of her business experience
or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss
Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Oh, God, nature, please
When two animals are having sex,
one of them is communicating a message to the other.
Nothing is This isn't very helpful
You're going to want to hear the sexual metaphor
Was that not the
All life is sex
And all sex is competition
Mmm-hmm
And there are no rules to that game
That wasn't so perverted now was it?
Was that it? No, that wasn't bad
My point is there is one person in charge of every office in America.
And that person is Charles Darwin
In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?
No. I would have said no
Hmm. Let's see. Review, review, review Yes, good stuff.
Here you go, have a raise
Oh, great
and take these raises, what are we saying?
That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job?
Shouldn't work like that
No, you know what? Nellie's right.
That is exactly how it should work
Darryl, this office is mine now
No. Yes
Yes. Sorry it's too late, I'm here. This is mine. Back off
Ow! Ow
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow
Well fought! I accept the outcome
Touch me and I'll sue
I've heard that's amazing when it works
Yeah. If I had my own
Andy, I care about you and I think...
Sorry. You go
No, go ahead
Well I was just going to say that
if I had my own fountain it would be two frogs
and they're spitting into each other's mouth
It's just stupid. What were you going to say?
Andy, you broke my heart
Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you
and to have to watch you date someone else?
You broke my heart, too
You broke my heart more recently and more often.
And I think at some point in my head it just sort of clicked
that we're not meant to be.
I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.
So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review
not by telling you what you lack
but rather asking you what it is you want
Really? Okay, we
Um
I like consistency in the manager's position No weird silent coups
Stuff like that I'm easy
That's not really what you want
What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two
Whoa
That's kind of condescending Would you say something like that to Jim?
Does Jim have to breastfeed?
Did Jim carry around those babies for what is it, 12 months?
Be honest Does Jim really get up in the night?
Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding
and Philip doesn't like a bottle
You must be exhausted
Fancy a nap?
No
Go on. Have a nap
Lie down right here
There's a blanket in here
Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau
No one will know
I'll wake you up
When you wake up, you will earn more money
I think you're amazing You know that, right?
Go on. Say it, "I'm amazing.'
I'm amazing
Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now
Andy is a nice boy
Really? Because you've been kind of a "B" to him all afternoon
I was protecting you because I thought he was no good
But I can tell you really like him
And he's willing to lose his job for you
In this economy, with Europe on the brink
Irene what would you do without me?
We're not your concern sweetheart
Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot
Why?
He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.
Jim, time for your review.
No, it's not, because you don't really work here.
Why are you so staunchly defending
your friend who has abandoned you?
Wouldn't you rather come talk with me maybe, definitely get a raise?
See, that's the thing
can even give raises
Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinker Bell?
Yes I'm Tinker Bell
No
I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office
to bring a little bit of magic into your lives to give you all raises
And we are grateful
But here's the thing about Tinker Bell, Jim
everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.
And then she dies. She dies
Now who here believes in Tinker Bell?
Let's see it. Show of hands! I do
Come on, everyone
All right, guys, stop
How?
Come on, Jim, you're killing her
We believe
We believe
Look at this wonderful recognition
of Nellie's leadership I believe!
That did not go how I wanted it to
Ugh
I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back.
Eggplant parm
It's biodegradable Animals will eat it
Andy, wait! Andy
Andy, wait! Andy, don't go
Andy, I love you! Stop
Oh. This is the wrong Prius I don't love you.
Erin I'm sorry.
Andy
Let's get out of here
Okay. Let's go
Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.
No, I don't have any stuff.
Like your toothbrush and stuff. I don't have one
You don't have a toothbrush? No
How do you not have a toothbrush?
I just there's always one around.
You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?
Of course, I own my toothbrush
I grew up poor. I had little formal education, no real skills.
I don't work especially hard
and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap.
And yet, I walked right into a job
for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited,
and somebody else already had, and I got it.
If you ask me, that's the American dream right there
Anything can happen to anyone.
It's just random