The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 18 - Last Day in Florida - full transcript

Okay. Bye
Everyone, stop what you're doing I have terrible news
Dwight is no longer with us
What? What?
He's gone, damn it
He's been promoted to V.P. of Sabre Retail
and he's staying in Florida forever
So, he's alive?
Yeah. That was him on the phone He sounds wonderful.
Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead
How could I have been more clear?
He had a massive stroke of good fortune
and he is now in a better place.
If Dwight's not coming back does that mean we can open his treasure?
You guys we've gone over this there is no treasure
When the team left for Tallahassee
Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure
Don't touch my treasure
Okay? You understand?
Obviously he wants us to obsess about it There's nothing in there
Which is obviously what he would want us to think,
making it the perfect place to hide a treasure
Oh, God, I'm Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride.
Wanted us to realize
that this conversation among friends is the true treasure.
No, no, no
I am dying to know what's in there
Yeah, I know, Oscar. We all are. But nobody's going to open it
You'd have to be insane
Hi. Hello
Now carefully open the box
It's a photo of all of us
Oh, that's so sweet
A dart? Are you kidding me?
Who would put a poison dart Well, I mean, I don't know that it's poisoned
God, I'm glad he's okay though
Kind of sounds like he deserved it
opening another man's treasure and all. Wow
Well, Mister Ball it's been a pleasure Now, give my regards to he
All right! Well swung by VIPVP
I am loving the chemistry between you two
Dwight is going to be working alongside me
We are a regular Archibald and his man George
Trick! There's no such thing It's not even a real English duo
Ah
I just made you look like the Goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either
You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples
Pong
Oh, that reminds me Little something from all of us.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Jim That's so thoughtful.
Fore! Oh, yeah
He doesn't even care
This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight.
It's a weird feeling It's, um...
What's the word? It's not "bittersweet.'
It's "sweet." Yeah
Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada
You want the same as last year?
Would if I could and I can so I will
Put me down for one box Don't care what it is. Dealer's choice.
I'll put you down for shortbreads
Damn it
Knock, knock. Hey
It's Sasha's first year in the troop
so I'm selling cookies for her
Anyway, would you like some?
No. No What?
I've been selling here for five years This is my spot.
You can't claim territories This is the only place I interact with people
Why can't you sell it at your church or barbershop?
Or chess club?
You know what? It's your first time we'll split the office
You can have Sales the Annex, Creed and I don't know.
I'll just take Accounting
That's it? Yeah. Well, okay
Thanks, Darryl Okay, great
All I need is Kevin.
Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined.
And then some.
When I first started selling cookies, he was a relatively thin man
Not a thin man, mind you Relatively thin.
Hey, Lucy, I'm home Babaloo
Here, let me help
so busy at the store today Really good cheese nibbles
Irene hired me as her live-in helper
We met at the store launch.
I told her I was moving here and I needed a place
and it just sort of made sense.
I basically do everything for her.
I run errands, I do chores around the house.
I cook and clean.
Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me
When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer
Shallow end, deep end He does it all
Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene
I have to talk to my old boss, Andy
and tell him I'm staying in Florida
Oh! What kind of tea is this?
Oh, I boiled some Gatorade
Oh Oh!
In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right you see.
We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias.
If I may
Try holding the putter you know, with your wrists here,
and your thumbs here
Oh
That's right Your little finger
Would you like to buy some cookies?
Cookies, eh?
Mmm-hmm Hmm
Oh, the spring time thinks that it's the best
And fall time thinks that it's the best
Cold time has kind of a strut
And Valentine's thinks that it's the best
But gather round, peeps I'll tell you the truth
Nothing beats the cookie season That's the truth
It's not a scratch and sniff, Kev
I know. But sometimes you still get a little something
Hey, you tricked me You just wanted Kevin
You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today
See you next year, sport
No, no, no, that's not fair What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me?
I do See?
That doesn't mean anything Kevin, do you want to buy cookies from me?
Oh, I definitely do
Huh. Hit the road, Jack
No, you hit the road, Jack
Hey, guys, come on Don't fight over me.
Why don't we split the order? It's only fair
No, wait, no. I'm buying. I make the rules
I actually do want you to fight over me
wined and dined and sixty-nined
Ugh
Metaphorically sixty-nined Ew! Perverts
No offense, Oscar
Hop in! We have places to be! No rest for the wicked
All right so I guess this is it
Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always gotten along
And, at times, I've even hated your guts, but
Bye, bye. I win
Good-bye, Dwight
Robert! Race you to the clubhouse Gentleman's bet!
Whoo-hoo
Well, he's Florida's problem now
Oh, let Dwight have his fun.
Today will not be his day
What's that?
I'm going to tank the Sabre store
at the presentation to the board
I thought you liked the store
No, the store is lovely
You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line
Great job. Cheers
Thank you
But there's a reason we sell our products online and over the phone
Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim?
They're cheap, they're unintuitive
The Sabre store would work
if we adopted the carnival mode
of leaving town once everyone's wise to us
Wow. When you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible
I couldn't just kill the project from the start Jo Bennett endorsed it.
Shame, though. I did like Dwight
Robert, I'm going to win! Ha-ha! I'm the gentleman Suck it!
Bravo, Dwight Very good!
Shame
DWIGHT The math is simple, folks
Deeper market penetration plus greater visibility will raise Sabre...
To the power of two To the power of two
How did that look?
I'm not just saying this,
that was the best thing I've ever seen
Told you
When you guys do that whole "power of two" shebang
how about I pop up also?
Say "power of three.'
Actually you know what? Yeah, that actually works
You'd spin off right I'd spin off
You know what? That is a great idea
Cathy, write that down and print it out
It's going to make some really good toilet paper
All right. There he is
What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you.
Can I just talk to you for one quick second?
What? Your stylist ran out of messy spray?
Um, actually, it's for your own good I think we should...
You want to do something for my own good?
Turn around, walk out that door
Do not stop until you get to Scranton
Find my cell phone charger mail it back to me and then go to hell
Nice. Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy?
Silence
I'm just trying to
I know what you're trying to do
But your face does look like the guy from Operation.
It's the same guy. That's the joke I made
Different guy You know what
I just think you should know
That you look like the world's tallest hobbit
Well, I tried. You saw it So, it's on the record.
Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy
Just open the program and type in his username
Can you just do it?
You type in your password
Erin, one, two, three
That's a terrible password
And you don't make a video chat
You video chat. All right
Hello.
That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop
Oh
Now mine's broken Hang on.
Oh, there we go
He said "I did like Dwight"? He's going to fire him.
No, no, no, I think it was more like
"I liked him, but I don't anymore
"because he did a bad job so I'm definitely going to yell at him."
Robert doesn't talk like that.
You have to stop Dwight from doing this.
He will not listen
Did you actually try your hardest?
Yes. My pretty hardest
Look, you haven't dealt with him in a while, all right?
He's like Super Dwight
It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight or something
Stanley, back me up
Don't talk to me
Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida
but he would back me up
If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him.
Just get the words out, that's all you can do.
Okay. All right
What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies?
You can't trust him to understand
the wants and needs of the thick man
Maybe Toby from two years ago.
Yeah That's true
If I have a question about my cookies at midnight
who am I going to call?
Darryl Toby's probably in bed with some model.
Thank you
I'm not going to comment on my personal life
Look, I need this. Okay, your daughter is a pretty little girl.
Let her go door to door
You think people are going to buy cookies from my chubby daughter?
Ooh
Baby, if you're watching this you're not chubby. You're beautiful.
Daddy's just got to sell some cookies
And we're also going to exercise more It's going to be fun.
Oh. You know what you have to do to decide?
You need to make them do things for you and buy you things
Or have them sing that song that the frog does in Looney Tunes.
Make them kiss each other
Make them kiss me
Ew
Yes, this is, too, tan
This right here. No
This is a tan spot.
I don't buy it. And that is a freckle. That is not a tan, okay?
I'm going to have to inspect it in person when you get back here
I want you looking totally Puertorriquena when I see you.
Well, Andy, I'm not coming back
What?
I have a job here. I work for an old lady.
Hello.
Andy?
Yeah, that's awesome That's great
Oh, baby, telephone
And tell me I'm your own
Okay, this is tough because Darryl,
you sang better and you danced better
but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star.
I think I've reached my decision
I've decided that you guys are going to keep doing things for me.
No, no, no, no It's not worth it
No
No, it's not worth it? That's too bad
Because I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Yeah, okay, so what? You buy 40 boxes?
Hungrier
50?
Hungrier
You're not talking triple digits?
Oh, yeah I'm talking triple digits
Again
Hello, ma baby Hello, ma honey
Hello, ma ragtime gal
It's show time
Dwight
You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away you keep flying back
You're like an Amish return stick
Okay, great, listen listen to me.
No, no, no, no
Will you just let me tell you one thing, please?
Yes, you may tell me one thing Great
Wait, do you want to borrow money? Listen to me
Robert is going to veto the Sabre store
Jim, come on
Dwight, he's going to kill the store. Mmm-hmm.
And then I'm pretty sure he's going to fire you for it
Wait he's going to kill the store and he's going to fire me?
Yes
That's two things
Dwight, please Nice try, Jim.
Your pranks have never worked in the past
and they're not going to work today
Okay, first of all they've mostly worked so
You know what? You might want to get to the airport.
It's going to take you a long time to get through security
with all those beauty products Bye
Dwight, come on
Nothing is going to stop me That is the mark of a great man
Unstoppability
Dunder Mifflin, the farm Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror
Now, if you'll excuse me I have a date with destiny
And from what I hear she's a
Help! Help
Gross, don't lick my hand God, why is there so much saliva?
All I had to do was think about pie
and my salivary glands did the rest.
Gross! What? What? What? What?
Oh, God, Jim! Oh! My appendix
I'm sorry
My wound hasn't healed yet. I'm so sorry I'm sorry.
Oh, man. I'm so sorry I forgot.
Are you all right? Are you okay?
Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him
He's not picking up
Looks like Shnoot's a no-show
Guess he wasn't vice prezzy material after all
But I am
Put me in, babe
I've got the info down backwards, forwards and doggy style.
I'm your man
Right. Let's begin then
Ladies and gentlemen allow me to introduce
the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mister Todd Packer
What's up?
What are you doing?
I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff
since apparently she's not coming back
and she didn't bother to tell anyone
We knew. Ryan told us
Ryan, why didn't you tell me?
Thought you checked my Tumblr
You never update it
Well, I updated it
Does anyone else think this is weird?
Like, kind of uncool, actually?
To leave us without a receptionist?
We'll find another receptionist
I mean, that's easy We'll be fine
What are you doing? I'm just trying to.
Get up. Get up
Okay. Okay
All right? I'm not going to let you by.
Then you know what? I'm going to just have to run right through you
Okay What are you doing?
Are you really revving up? You know that doesn't work
Jackie Chan
Go
Hi, this is Alex.
And this is Sam.
"Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us.'
Perfect
Now people w think I'm doing hot girls all day
They might think we're drag queens
Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that were also guys' names
Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?
Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.
Forget it, man
What do you mean? I'm out. So is Toby.
This may be wrong but there's a limit
to what I will do for my child.
Yeah. I have my dignity, too
another man's horsey
No, guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies
I'll do anything
Hello, my baby Hello, my honey
I'm even going to kiss Meredith
Mmm
That's so good
What are you doing? No, no, no, no!
This ends now This is dangerous.
Thunder slam
No
Anything else you need to talk about?
Nope. That was it
Once again, it's show time
What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea
which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on
and then, utterly botch it in execution
If I may speak to that
I have only been vice president
of this project for the last half-hour
so the man you want is Dwight Schrute.
I don't see Dwight
He clearly had the infinite wisdom
to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.
Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer
It is not his fault
Blame his upbringing His parents
The society that would mold this idiotic creature
Fire the employee, yes
But not the man
You may not cancel his soul
That was never on the table.
Are you kidding?
She's the queen of the whole frigging magilla.
And yet, Todd, it's you who's fired
Wait, I can't get fired I'm an institution.
Company for 20 years
How many of you have been here that long? Huh?
Hey, hey, they're back
Hi! Oh, my gosh! Look at you guys
Dwight, what are you doing here?
I thought you were supposed to be in Florida
Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um...
Wow, you look great. Did you lose some weight?
Thank you. For someone who actually noticed this
no, I didn't lose weight but I started using my makeup
to contour my face to look skinnier.
I actually put on five pounds
Hey, good to have you back
Good to be back
Hey, stranger Hey
Oh, I missed you I missed you.
Oh
I'm going to Florida to get Erin.
Forgot to turn off my email It's crazy, right?
It's just when she said she was leaving
"You're about to close four tabs,
"are you sure you want to continue?'
Yes, I am sure
Ah! Slow computer