The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 16 - After Hours - full transcript

Hey, Angela
you wanna see a picture of Philip
wearing those little booties you got us?
So cute
Hey, you guys wanna see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes?
He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these
Now, going out in the rain is all he wants to do
Oscar thinks having a dog is just like having a baby.
News flash, if you didn't carry
it around in your belly for nine months
it isn't your kid
Exactly
Unless you adopted of course.
That is where we disagree
Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?
No. Three-month-old humans don't do that
My Philip is crawling
Angela is such a liar
It's maddening
Exactly, that's just like crate training.
All night long All night long
Well, count yourself lucky
Wait until you have two
That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide
I mean, you'll never sleep again
No one said you must have two
Like her genes are so important
The world just needs more Pam-Jim DNA Thank you, no.
No, thank you
Check this out My brother just got a new sailboat
He has no idea what he just got himself into.
There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat
Am I right?
Unbelievable! Unbelievable
Unbelievable
It is the end of the day. It is the end of the week
We managed to fill 40 hours, somehow
That's not bad, is it?
That's great Pretty good.
Well, thank you this is very helpful feedback
Dwight, I am still not ready to name the V.P
That's not what I was gonna ask
Gosh, you jump to conclusions
Come on, I know. You've got so much on your plate
it's right now you're like
"Oh, what's more important Dwight's question figure out who's the V.P
"Dwight. V.P. Dwight. V.P.'
Dwight. V.P. Dwight. V.P
Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running?
Free them up to focus more completely on the menial
Like stacking and sorting, or
Catching butterflies?
That's a hobby. Unless it's for food
Theater A waste of time.
Dragging?
That's just a verb
Dragging sticks
Yes. Nice. Perfect
Dragging sticks
All right, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now.
Okay? Just. You three. No
Not good enough
English people's main use today is judging American talent.
"You're crap. You're wonderful.'
They're mean, but they're incisive
Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00
I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory
So let's just call it compulsory
I'll be there at 6:00
Ugh. We're gonna have one of those crazy nights aren't we?
Maybe we'll see the real Talla-nasty
we've been hearing so much about
Talla-nasty. Very clever
Thank you. Wait, wait
You think she invented "Talla-nasty"?
No, no, no, no
Cathy? It's been great, fun, normal
gonna be hanging out with Stanley on this trip
but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.
My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee
Would you like to get a cocktail?
Maybe go out for a little dancing? Beautiful day, no?
Okay, everybody. 5:00. Work day's over
Put your pencils down, and bring 'em back up
Because now, the late night work jam begins
Yes! The conference room is set up.
I've got pens, I've got paper I've got a whiteboard!
We are good to go
Say what?
We are good to go
Say what? Good to go!
Stop it Andy
Tonight, we're staying late to service the accounts
of the people who went on the Florida trip
Yes, of course we could have just
been doing this the whole time,
but someone dropped the ball
Ball droppings can be beautiful
For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.
Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass
Jason Bourne has no support staff
his own government's out to get him.
Genghis Khan could take 'em both down,
'cause he's not afraid to kill children
What? It's true
He would eviscerate babies and hang them
from poles outside of the villages
Okay, drinking game The count of three, take three sips
That's a stupid game I got a great drinking game Okay?
Everyone, empty your pockets
Whoever has the most seeds is the king
whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.
What happens if you're the hunchback?
Oh, you get kicked
How many buttons do you have?
Forty. Always
Can I see? Sure.
So I get to kick you now
No, they're not transferable just 'cause I handed them to you.
Well, that's how I played it in college
College rules
And he lost at his own lame game
Ooh! Double meaning
The game was lame and now he's lame from the kick.
Quick wit. Thank you
a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please.
And I will have a waffle With your maple-iest syrup
Sorry, no waffles
Okay, just forget it then Forget it. Forget it?
Waffle?
A hotel waffle. I know what I wanna eat
Is that crazy? No
I'm moving down here you know
Oh. No, I didn't know
I'm young and I can
And if I can't, I'm still pretty young
You come with me We're gonna get you that waffle
Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida
if she didn't want me to make some sort of last ditch, nothing-to-lose
Kelly Ka-who run at her?
Hey Hey
Watson Carpet & Tile
One order
Order reference number 00983-126
Eight cases Bright White Inkjet
Paid
I'm dying
Processed And delivered.
Sometimes I get so bored I just wanna scream
And then sometimes I actually do scream.
What the situation calls for
Hey, I see what you're doing It's futile The V.P. position is mine.
Oh, please, you're through
She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight
The cowgirl has chosen her saddle
Well, saddles
...sometimes fall off
Especially if you don't properly cinch the girth
What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me.
If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me
And I'm not joking at all
If you don't tighten your saddle you may fall off.
Who is ready for dinner?
"Oh, I bet it's pizza or tacos or something stupid."No
I went south of the border for this
and then I went south of that border
and we have ourselves a Jamaican feast, man
If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire
a bunch of bodyguards and go there
Additional trivia factoid this food comes to us through Val,
and our server is none other than Brandon her boyf.
Hey
How you doing, guys?
Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there
Crazy stuff
Oh, no. I'm not actually Jamaican
Terrific
What's up, man? I'm Darryl
Oh, Darryl I heard about you
You doing good? Oh, yeah
You must be doing real good since you're * my girlfriend.
Whoa
Dude, you didn't tell me you were * Val High five!
I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend
Brandon, what the he are you talking about?
Don't play dumb with me I know what's up.
Honey, I am not sleeping
Hey! Hey. Let's get back to the food
Brandon, tell us about these delicious-looking goops
Hope you all like goat
Goat
Blow in my ear. All right
Like I'm on the beach
A seagull
And a wave crashing
A wave crashing
Oh, that is lovely
All right, that's gonna do it for me tonight
Have a lovely evening
Hey, how's it going?
Good. The heating system, though, in my room is all messed up
It's like 90 degrees in there
Maintenance is working on it Can I hang out in here?
Uh... Yeah, I'm just watching basketball
Okay. Yeah. Okay
Cool
Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.
Oh, no. That's not this. Because that's in March
This is just the NBA professional.
Miami Heat, actually. So
LeBron James Yes
Nice, good word association
Impressive
Oh, please anyone can tie a knot
The real skill is in untying it
Thornwood Wholesalers
One order
I read the texts you sent to Val, man
That's messed up
Is this spicy?
No, baby girl. It would be messed up
if I didn't find anything But I did, so
I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text
it was about some paper emergency or something
At midnight?
It happens
Like, a hospital needs more napkins for surgery
You guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way.
I think we just need to be grown-ups here. Thank you
I think we're gonna need to hear those texts
Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?
No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving.
Something interesting is happening here
For once in my life I am staying here.
Darryl, read the texts
Yep? Coming
All right Hey. My minibar is oddly out of rum.
We have plenty
Oh. Hello.
You wanna watch the game with us? We're watching a game
The Heat game It's just a game.
Got it. Good night
Careful, Jim it gets easier and easier
No. No, no. Stanley? Stanley. Stanley?
Stanley. All right. Hey
You know. Just bring back those bottles!
Huh. The lights are still on.
Yeah. They keep them on, 'cause it's
less expensive than turning them on and off
I like how guys just know stuff all the time
Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay?
And nobody knows more than you
Especially me
Hello, waffle iron
Hello! What do we have here?
Okay, so the recipe says we need
a mixing bowl, a measuring cup
Get down
It's the fuzz
Do you want us to get scolded?
Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth. Please
"I got too much ice cream you want some?"
"Getting my fry on.'
Boring
"The moon is huge tonight.'
Gosh, the moon one's damning
Yeah, sorry
That's regular text talk
You forgot one
"You're such a great friend.'
With the dots
"You're such a great friend dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.'
Five dots, Darryl? Are you kidding me?
Okay, 'cause three dots means to be continued four dots is a typo.
But five dots means "Whoa, do not
make me say what I want to say, baby
"but if I did it would blow your mind dot, dot, dot, dot, dot."
See? Yes, thank you, sister
Brandon, Darryl and me that's ridiculous
Right? Yeah
Totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it.
I'm stranded on Shutter Island over here
You look like Ed Harris
If they stretched him a little bit...
You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree?
Uh.
Excuse me
What? Not now. I'm busy
I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know
that I saw a bedbug in my room.
But never mind. Sorry to interrupt.
Wait, wait, wait, wait Bedbugs?
Oh, no
Freak, I need a favor
Well, then you have to call me by my name Gabriel Susan Lewis
I've gotta be gone for a few minutes.
You make sure that Packer does not sleep with Nellie.
What's in it for G.S.L.?
You really want Packer as your boss?
Got it
If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere
I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms.
Our biggest attraction is our 200-hundred-year-old mattresses.
Where did you see it? In the bed
Well, I haven't seen anything
We gotta find it before it eggs.
Jeez
Describe it Brown, shiny, painful bite
Could be a bat weevil
Describe its mood. Did it seem sleepy?
Stressed, but to be fair it was a tense situation
Fair enough But after it bit you did it run away fearful?
Or did it walk away smug self-assured?
So smug. Like he thought it was funny. Like this
That's a bedbug. Yeah
Everything's a joke. I know
Check your hair
God! It's so greasy You should just shave all this
Just check it
You are clean. Okay
The one thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide
I am gonna generate myself into a human trap
When I jump into the bed you are gonna
cover me with the sheet immediately
And then, we'll see who's laughing
All right
Yeah
Cover me
Is this really necessary?
He knows what he's doing
Let the bedbugs bite
God! I feel so gross I have to go take a shower
All right then I will catch you later
What do we do now?
We wait
Come to Papa
No
No, I wasn't bitten
Okay, well, maybe it's not warm enough in here
It's plenty warm
And I was farting continuously under the sheet
creating a kind of a greenhouse effect. Come on
If there were any in here, they would
have imbedded themselves in me
You know what? Maybe they just ate
No, you're good. Clean bill of health
Besides, I gotta get back downstairs
I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long.
Okay, well, they're fine, they're adults
No. That's the problem
Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the V.P. job, unless I do it first.
Is that really how you want to get this job?
Such a chorus girl
Okay, Dwight? Dwight? Dwight, Dwight, Dwight
Uh.
Is "crazy" gone?
Oh
They don't make these cords in boot cut anymore!
Aw
Pathetic, huh?
A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.
Hey
Yep, one Death by Chocolate one Bananas Foster.
Okay, cool. Thanks
Wait, this is why I exercise like a fiend
Feel. Seriously
Okay. All right
I'm really sorry. I just have to say it
I'm married
I'm very happily married
Oh, my God, what are you thinking?
Um
How little do you think of me?
I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I misread things
Okay. Let's just go back to watching
Can you without running to the other side of the room all night?
Yes. I can. Uh
All right. I'm really sorry
I think we'll just We'll just watch
You can watch, not watch whatever you wanna do.
Take another shower I don't care. Okay.
Whoo
Hey, Darryl, you okay?
She's got a boyfriend
Play it cool, man She'll come around
No, you should go for it. Mmm
I mean, nothing would've happened with me and Jim
if he didn't put himself out there
Yeah, but my friend Jim would tell you to play it cool
My husband would tell you to go for it
Hey. Hey Hey. Hey
This is fun A lot of fun.
I know. Can I give you a compliment?
I'm really impressed by how much you've grown
Since I met you it's like night and day
You should move down here with me Yeah?
We could be roommates Really?
We could get a dog we could go to R-rated movies
And who knows, I mean you're a guy, I'm a girl.
Yeah
Maybe in six months, we'll see. Six months
Okay. I'm in love with Kelly
Put your forehead near mine and see if you can read my thoughts.
Okay
Seven, one, one
Nine No, no, no not numbers. No
No, okay. Try again
Okay
I'm still getting numbers Seven, one, one...
Is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven, one, one?
Please stop. Okay?
Dwight, give me a key card to your room
Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time
Wait, the numbers
There you go I will see you in seven
Seven minutes
Nellie, wait
Let me write my room number on the card
Win at all costs. Don't respect women.
These are the tenets p was brought up with, and they have served me well.
But my ancestors never worked in corporate America.
They were farmers, and before that, hunters,
and before that, time travellers, and before that, me again.
At least that's how the legend goes.
The point is, they never had to worry about how they got ahead.
They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past
1434-967, paid
It has been processed
It has been delivered
That's it, last one
Andy, this has been an amazing night. Epic
Cool down fiesta begins right now
I got decaf coffee No way
I've got Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.
Hey
Can we just like never talk about it again?
Sure Okay, thanks.
Hey, just so you know me and you,
I don't think that's ridiculous. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot
All right. Now I think it's time for you to go
What? Jim
I thought we talked about this You're cool, right?
Cathy! Go
Where's the bug? Awesome
Stand back
Stop it! Oh, my gosh! That burns! What is that?
It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off of the maid's cart.
Oh, my God! Dwight, there
Oh, God! Stop it! Stop it
Big one! Big one
Stop it
Nice job, I think you got him.
You can't stay here this place is a biohazard
If I were you I'd just bunk with Cathy
Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had.
Yeah, what's the first best?
Dwight?
Hello? Dwight?
Is that Nellie? Don't!
Are you in there?
On under your door
Hello?
Oh, look at that
The light went off just as I said the light went on
Hello? Dwight?
Dwight?