The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 15 - Tallahassee - full transcript

Today is the first day of Sabre's new project
to develop a chain of retail stores.
Nellie Bertram Head of Special Projects.
Work starts at 9:00.
Sabre HQ is 30 minutes away driving the speed limit,
giving everyone 20 minutes to shower,
plus 50 for Jim to style his hair,
20 for breakfast, 40 for Erin to get post between her room and the lobby,
90 for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy.
We're already 20 minutes late
Wake up!
Hey, hey, hey hey, wake up! Ow
Why are you sleeping that way?
Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.
Stanley! Wake up You've got to wake up The hotel's on fire!
Stanley, wake up It's pretzel day
Good morning
Hey, wake up Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now
Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening
door twice last night
Come on in, the water's fine
Oh, not coo
sleep schedule, so I'm up and at 'em at 4:15
But no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself
And then I thought of something. Uh
Here is Dwight What the
Oh, man
What do you think happened?
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples.
Oh, no, no, no, no It wasn't me
at the Alcohol Club."
Puppet Cool. For your kids?
Yeah. It's weird being away from them. I've never done this before
Attention Dunder Mifflin group proceed outside.
The vehicle is waiting Seats have been assigned
Shotgun goes to Ryan
Congratulations, Ryan
I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today.
First impressions get locked in forever
When I first met Pam she said something
that slightly rubbed me the wrong way
Since then I've loved working with Pam
and she's frankly wonderful
but I hate her
I'll have a bottle of the antacid
Also I want to get a souvenir for my son
but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity.
Do you have anything for that?
Also I want it to have a Florida feel
What does he like?
Power
Okay, and this one is, "Huh. Don't see too many museums around here."
Okay, Twiggy, that's enough Get in the car.
Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine, okay? I'm just stressed
because I care about this project
And frankly, the fact that none of you
are vomiting or diarrheal right now
Who says none of us are diarrheal?
Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you
Very funny, Jim
Oh, no, I'm serious. I was thinking for this trip
so what should that be?
And then I thought of it I'll poison you
What are you going to do? Are you going to steal my newspaper
or put a cricket in my cereal or something?
I'm gonna set your face on fire. That's a good one
Whoa. Stanley, did you just come back
from burning down a rival night club?
Laugh it up, Halpert
I'm in Florida for a month without my family I'm going to enjoy this.
Want to get in? You can work the iPod
Yes
You're a nice guy, Jim but you have no idea how to vacation.
Find some Kenny Loggins
Loggins and Messina
Did I say Messina?
Sorry, I couldn't resist It's so quiet.
It's so peaceful, I've already written 12 plays today
It's so quiet, one might say you could hear a pin...
would be cooler
Hey, can you pick up the pin?
Some of us like to work in our bare feet
Of course. I will pick up the pin It is right here
Got it Can we see that? Did you really find it?
Yes. Right here. Got it. Dink. Ow
In the trash Hey, why is it so quiet?
Shouldn't the phone be ringing?
Uh-oh
Erin set the phone to voice-mail
Great. Oh, my God, we're screwed
There
Oh, there we go. Pam?
Yeah
Can you get the phone?
Well, I'm not the receptionist
Well, you used to be
I know but I can't cover reception I have a ton of work to do.
Phone's ringing
Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me.
Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone
Answer the phone
Pick up the phone
Andy, you're standing up
You're the closest one to it
Fine
Hello. Dunder Mifflin
Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?
How was the drive? Fantastic
Stanley drives so fast
Life is short. Drive fast leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos
I would love to hear the other mottos
Quick query, Halpert
No way
Still queer?
Packer
You can't put me down Too strong
Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired.
But I landed on my feet down here in Florida
You see, this cat's got nine lives and a nine-inch
Say, "So who's leading this thing anyway?'
So who's leading this thing anyway?
Psst. Say, "I can't wait to meet him.'
"Him," you said? Don't think a woman can be a leader?
L You poor, simple boy
Expected a man, did you?
Strong, powerful huge whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint
But my huge whopping penis is right here and I'm not afraid to use it
So stop looking at my breasts and start looking at my penis.
I'm Nellie Bertram President of Special Projects
In the next few weeks we're going to throw
everything you know about business
out of the window and do it our own way
Are your minds blown?
So, how did this special project come about anyway?
Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch
After you decided I wasn't a good fit...
It was Ah. Mmm-mmm
It was. I went on a shopping spree
Very destructive, I bought 1/ pianos
Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm?
So I called Jo old friend, founder of Sabre and I told her,
and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, "Yes!'
So let's talk about this Sabre store then
Probably going to look stupid, right?
Like a big turd with a door on the front, right?
What do you think it should look like?
It might be fun if each store had a different theme
like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one
No. Not a big fan of the winter aesthetic
Well, that was just one idea It doesn't have to be winter.
Oh, no, it does. It does
It has to be winter and I reject it
So I drew up a design concept probably going to be rubbish, right?
Would you like to look at it? Just so you can laugh at it
Yeah
Let me just get the projector working
You got to stop with the antacids It's not the antidote
You didn't poison me It's just stress.
Okay
What is the antidote?
True love's kiss
Jim, help me lower this screen
You're a big tall man
You'd be hilarious trying to do it like a little boy.
Just let go of his balloon
I'll do it.
Something done right, ask Dwight.
Right, Dwight
Right, Dwight. Right, Dwight. Right, Dwight
Sorry. Now you'll never be able to get that out of your head
There we go
Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert.
Yeah, it's tender, but it can't be appendicitis. I eat more than enough bacon
Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis?
You don't know. Hold on
What kind of poison did you use?
Dwight, I didn't poison you I was kidding
Yeah, I'm going to need an ambulance
Hold on. I have the address in my phone Hold on.
Sabre has assigned Hold on one second
...the following positions in the retail division.
Uh, quick question
Vice President, who is that? There is no name listed.
Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me
Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?
Send it to the freaking moon, idiot
I'll tell you what, though since my move down to Florida
I've really gotten back into hunting, big-time.
Hunting's so primal almost sexual - Totally.
Yeah, I mean I'd never bang an animal
You can hardly tell the difference
between a boy or a girl you know?
But hunting's intense
You talking about hunting?
I'm a master hunter
Did you say "masturbator"?
I'm a decent baiter. My cousin, Mose, that's a master baiter
Why are you sitting down like that?
Why is everyone else standing up?
Okay, team, let's get back to work Break's over
Wow. Are you that bored?
It's just rum I'm not bored. I'm a pirate
Is that another motto?
It's whatever you want
Hmm
Or do you only drink with your kids?
No, let's do it
Woah. That's healthy
I've spent so much of my life telling myself,
"Please, don't end up like Stanley.'
And now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes
We have the Sabre pyramid, right? We've got a bunch of humans
You guys. Humans, pyramid
Human pyramid. Do you follow?
It's a team-building exercise
You love it. Who's in?
Tallahassee, let's go
Jim, are you in?
Oh, I don't know
Sounds like a hoot. I'm in
All right What the heck? Let's do it
This is great. This is going to be great
I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.
I'll be on top That's the most important position
Dude, I think you have appendicitis.
Dwight, why don't we just hold off
with the human pyramids for a while?
Everyone stop moving. Everyone stop wiggling
going to vomit
Dude, don't you yak on me This shirt is Van Heusen
Oh, stop moving
No one's moving.
Arrest Jim. He poisoned me
What? No. No It was not a poisoning
The one thing Pam made sure I knew,
Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty
You need an operation You have appendicitis
Oh! Who called it? Nothing but net
How long will he be gone?
Two or three days
Don't remember me like this
Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen
Drama queen, am I right?
Philip, if you're hearing this memo
that can only mean one thing, I am dead
You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing
Kill Mose before he kills you
Mose. Hey, it's Dwight
Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads up
That was an interesting diversion
Should we get back to the meeting?
Woah. Are those mini pizzas?
Yeah. I figure if we keep things savory
while Oscar's mouth is in canker country
bacon-wrapped dates on deck.
Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge?
Hey, guys look at me, I'm huge.
Hey, Darryl, good news your fax went through.
Oh yeah
Up high
Yes, sir. Thanks.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. I put out some new magazines Check it out
Ah, Dwell.
I'm acting like I like Reception, and I'm a really good actor
so people are actually buying that p actually like Reception.
But I mean, seriously, Reception sucks
Ooh! There's the phone
I just got out of surgery
What's going on? Fill me in
Well, we broke into groups and the groups are giving presentations later.
Who's doing the presentations?
Packer's giving one
Jim will probably give ours, I guess.
Damn it
Let's see What else have you missed?
Ryan switched his name tag to his pants
so now it's like if you wear yours
on your shirt you're a total dip
But if you switch you're a copycat
But I think I figured out a solution
What else? My shoes are...
...features the tech support area Bring in your product,
a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot
Huge for building loyalty
Yes, that is a very good point
Yeah, Todd, decent idea
Obvious, but interesting
Dwight, are you all right?
I'm great. How are you?
Uh.
What's our presentation about?
Dwight, will you go back to the hospital?
You were there for like three hours.
I got the surgery. What else is there to do?
Do 100 jumping jacks No. I don't feel like it.
You do 100 jumping jacks
...ninety-seven, 98, 99
You haven't done any of the research
You're too slow. You're too small. Seabiscuit is a stupid name
You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit
I'm going to do it
Oh, let him do it
Stanley, are you listening to music?
Yep
All right, who's ready for the next presentation?
Oh... What is your topic?
What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is. Mmm-hmm
Retail consumer habits
Really? Okay
Retail consumer habits is
The only thing you need to know
about retail consumer habits is that
consumers are mindless lemmings
They just want to be told what to do
Fast-forward to today and the retail consumer is independent
well-informed, super smart Super smart
Okay
Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical
What does this mean?
No, sit down
Seasonal, well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one.
Back to school is as well
and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit
But shopping is also cyclical
The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes.
You see, during ovulation a woman's only goal is to get pregnant.
During menses she is sad that she has failed.
And how does the woman console herself?
Shopping. Shopping
Just, Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips?
Thank you. Just gonna take a brief pause at this point
Thank you
Oh, God
Next slide
Mail call
His name is Oscar, and he's got some mail
And he better open it or go to jail, 'cause it's your taxes
His name is Kevin, and no mail for him
But he got a coupon for some frozen yogurt
Are those the lyrics?
"Anderson's Three Pillars of Retail."
Crucial. So important
Next
Are there any questions?
What are the Three Pillars of Retail?
Convenience Ingredients.
Service Burgers.
Building loyalty
Killing royalty
But truth be told we should really
disregard Anderson's Three Pillars
He was later diagnosed with dementia
You know what is important?
Is Dwight's pillars and there's only one, desire
Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space?
Not just succeed in it but to dominate.
And looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do
But we can get there
And I can lead us there, and that is all that matters
Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way.
A passionate night
with Hugh Grant's brother John Grant
He's older than Hugh just a little bit uglier.
How did I pull that off?
Sheer force of will
That is very good, Dwight
Thank you very much Any other questions?
Jim
You are bleeding through your shirt
Oops
That's embarrassing Egg on my face
Ah
Hey, having fun?
Yes, I am as a matter of fact
Oh, I know how it is I know it's a lot of fun
I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job
What are you doing here?
Andy, when I was 12 years old we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo.
I was in love with her
But when the sun came up I knew it wasn't real
because she was ugly and I had grown tired of her
Reception today
but tomorrow you won't want to do her
She's a dog
Guys, I don't like this analogy
Oh, fine
Did you see this?
It's nice
How are you feeling?
Amazing
Just lost four ounces of appendix
already replaced it with muscle.
Can I see the wound?
Oh, that's disgusting That's barely healed.
You're not paying me to heal You're paying me to kick ass
A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet
That's right That is amazing
Todd, look at that
Oh, yikes
Incoming
Not so fast
Would you come in early tomorrow
so we could talk about the store over breakfast?
A lot to offer.
It would be an honor, ma'am
I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op checkup right now
the first was to make myself the clear candidate for Vice President
I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix
The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip.
For that, I do have to thank my appendix
Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper?
This is Andrew
Hi, Andrew. What happened to Erin?
Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple weeks.
Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart.
You tell her Donna Moraski misses her.
Everyone, we have a very special guest
He turned an idea into a store into hundreds of stores
of Famous Amos cookies.
Yeah
So I hear you're all looking to
bake up some dough in the sales game.
Well, back when I was regular Amos
What's under the cloth?
We'll get to that
Cookies. I bet you anything it's cookies
It's cookies
Let me finish my speech first
Oh, we get the gist It's just success and effort, isn't it?
So just don't be coy. Make with the cookies
Cookies
Famous, hi
I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time
But I... Is it oatmeal with no raisins?
I'm sorry to have wasted your time
That's okay Thank you very much