The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 17 - Test the Store - full transcript

Today is the test paunch day for the inaugural Sabre store.
And I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation.
If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media,
and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine
Hey, are you holding this chair?
Because I feel like I'm going to fall off
Yeah. Yes. Yes I'm not wearing the right shoes for this
We went over this, okay?
Your tiny fingers make the best knots
Hey, strangers. I'm so stoked for the Sabre store opening
Hey, my name's Tabitha I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store
so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid.
Psst
It's me, Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster
to create hype and it's working
There's already people camped out behind me
NELLIE Test launch day, people.
Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me
To inspire you today
Now I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess
But here's the truth
I was born in the little working-class town of Basildon
and until the age of 32
I talked like this
Which was bloody horrendous, innit?
No, lower than
What's lower than dirt?
Loam. Magma. Mantle Outer core. Inner core.
Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam I came from
when I auditioned for the Spice Girls
get a callback
Which Spice Girl?
The black one
Okay
Now think about my journey here today
and let it inspire your journey.
Okay Nellie, thank you Thank you so much
Yep. Yep
Today is press day, and press is going to make or break this store
And for a tech company press can only mean one thing, bloggers.
Dossier on bloggers
Bloggers are gross Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis
You're going to love them
Ryan is going to be the main event today
He is the pitchman who is going to give
the feisty yet profound speech
worthy of a world's fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?
When people see this presentation,
they're going to * in their pants
Come on, man. - Come on
Okay Seriously disgusting
Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers
Ugh! Kill me It was my idea
Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey
on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid
Uh... - Ah
That is excellent
I don't see what that gets us,
but I'm a team player
Perfect casting, right?
Schrute's out to get me, but I'm playing the long game
As soon as he messes up I swoop in like a sexual predator.
Of wonder and enthusiasm
as if at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen.
Do you understand?
Goose pimples
Speaking of pimples let's release the bloggers!
Morning, everyone
Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning
Don't care. Tell me later Listen, it's important.
You've got to hear this
What do you got?
Oh, my God Do you have a black eye?
Yes, I do, Phyllis
I woke up at 4:00 a.m by accident
in time for the paper to be delivered
Guess what?
It's not a kid on a bike It's a man in a car
Andy, who punched you?
Hey, I was on the can What's this about a black guy in the office?
Black eye, Meredith
Will someone please explain what's going on here?
Since the interesting thing happened until now so much time has passed
It's like my life is buffering
Here's what happened Pam and I were arriving for the day
and there was a gang in the parking lot, on bikes, on motorcycles
And they just were hassling Pam.
That's true.
They had weapons.
Weapons.
To talk some sense into them.
But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Punches were going, and I ducked a few,
landed a couple, and I was fighting them off.
It was a totally like, senseless crime
Thank goodness he was there. - Good job, Andy.
Any of you wouldn't have done.
Open the gates
There's plenty for everyone No need to panic
There's plenty for everyone There's plenty
Don't stampede. No need to stampede, sir
Okay, okay! Hey, hey It's going to be fine It's going to be fine
There's plenty of Pyramids
Come on, I was in line before you
So you're a blogger, right?
Yeah
Blogger
God, stay away
Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers
I'm trying to be a good girl for once
Uh, yeah, I already bought my Pyramid but I don't want to leave yet.
Since seeing Zooey Deschanel
at the Coachella music festival. So fun.
How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here?
We should call the police right now - Yes
No, no, no, no, no, no We don't need to call the police.
They'll just ask everybody questions
get up in everyone's business right, Pam?
Police are a hassle We settled this on the street
And my eye will heal. But if the police come
then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area
Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?
Because I have neighborhood pride
Guys, guys that's so vague
You got to do the zip plus four
18505-7427
Look, I don't feel safe I think we should call the police.
Yes Exactly, we need to feel safe,
which is why Toby is teaching us self-defense.
Me?
Toby, will you teach us self-defense?
Yeah. I can't believe you remembered
I'll go put on my cup
Great
Yes - Okay.
One of you was Chuck
Yeah, no, it seems to be going great.
Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?
Look at that guy, he's got a Sabre phone on him,
he's not even using it
This is a perfect photo for my daily fail blog.
Uh, I got to go Okay.
Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.
No, no, no, it's good It's really
On the Internet, that's a really good good thing
Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?
I'm very sorry
We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day.
How hard would it have been to do this? Hmm?
Hello. Hi, sweetie, it's Jim I'm calling you from my new Arrowhead
which is why my voice is crystal clear
and my hand won't ever get tired
because of the ergonomic shape
I'm really sorry Is there anything I can do? Maybe pretend to be Chuck?
You could have pretended to be Chuck
I begged you to pretend to be Chuck
But you chose to be yourself and you can no longer be Chuck.
Surrender the tri-pack
You know what you have to do
Point it towards the store, idiot
You know what I mean?
Pick one of these buttons and just
Damn it. Take over
Oh, hey, hey, hey, you guys You must be lost
Listen. Excuse me, sir
The fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank.
Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by.
Okay, so long Here we go.
Erin! Psst! Come on
The elderly suck the life out of the young Get them out of here
We are closed Come on
Self-defense is not some fun boxing match okay?
This is about escaping with your life
So strike scream and run
All right, let's try it
That may have been my fault.
What the hell, Toby?
Okay, look in a real crisis situation
you're not going to have time to think.
Okay? So just remember IAATG
"It's All About The Groin.'
What if you're being attacked by a smallish man
who happens to not have a groin?
I don't think that's very common
But what if you're being attacked
by a 4'11" man who's penis-less
Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?
Why don't we start with the basics?
Show us how to defend ourself against a baby
and then like a fifth-grade girl
and then, you know, if we have time on up to a scary man
The most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female
So in that scenario what if the victim
sucker punches the attacker in the face?
What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?
It's interesting that you're drawn
to the point of view of the attacker
You would like The Turn of the Table.
Okay? The latest Chad Flenderman novel
From the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Woo.
Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.
All right, well let's try one simple technique together
Okay, why doesn't everyone stand?
Okay, so you're being attacked
you've got your hands up simple palm strike to the chin
Up to the chin One, two
One, two
One, two
Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome
He is a freelancer for Wired magazine
Patty Grossman I'm a woman.
But you still work for Wired, right?
Yes Good.
Okay. Flirt away
Sabre. It's time to come home.
Yeah
Yeah. I mean, I think It seemed like you were a little nervous.
Yeah, no * Sherlock
Can somebody please tell me something encouraging
about this presentation
before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?
Okay. I know! I know, champ
Just calm down because, listen
when you are out in front of a those people
Yeah, what?
...you just need to realize
so much rides on this
You have no idea
Dwight
I'm trying to make him feel important
I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say
Um
Oh, Ryan, you're so smart
You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg
and those Google guys all combined.
You're so ignorant. You barely know what you're talking about.
It's so ridiculous
You really need to read a couple of books
What's a book?
Oh, my God You're so embarrassing
My mom would say the best stuff though
You can
You can do it, Ryan
And you know that I'm capable of this?
You're the only one who can do it, sweetie
What did you think of the presentation?
I thought it was great, sweetie
I would just fix that one
"Fix" means you hate it I knew it!
I need something to drink!
Jim, get him a water
No, not a water a sports drink!
I hate everything in that fridge
Not red! Get me something yellow or green
from a nearby store Not red!
Why are you just standing there?
Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink.
Now if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse
you better stop playing dead right away
and just make it known that you're alive
Forgive me for interrupting
had an altercation with somebody here
some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?
I think you guys might have the wrong office
That's him. The guy I hit
What?
You've got to be kidding me.
Poor Andy
First you got beat up by a gang and now she kicks your ass
No, Kevin
What about the lady you hit with a pinecone?
There. That chubby one
Yesterday?
Wow. Apologize
Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your "thin" girlfriend
How about we wait until next year after you have your kid?
You know what? Tiffany's going to college
Listen I don't know what you guys are talking about,
but I guess I' just accept your apology so we can get on with our day
God bless. A friend of mine uses your paper
You do good work
Bye-bye. Bye
So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar
how to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.
There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl
My ex-wife used to demolish me.
No, there is shame in it, okay?
We have to draw the line somewhere.
Oh, my God I think I see the imprint of a Ring Pop
Oh
Have you seen Erin?
I'm on break
Oh, my God
No, hey, bloggers, where do you think you're going?
No, you got to stay for the big presentation
We got this young whiz kid, Ryan
He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates
When's the presentation?
It's moments away Just stay here
Hey, Uncle Lucas it's your nephew, Ryan
Honestly, I could use a prescription for Ritalin right now
Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol.
So it's different because it's your wife?
Well, that doesn't make any sense to me
How are you doing? Don't talk to me right now
I'm sorry. I know you're my boss
but seriously, you need to get
the hell out of my face
Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it
Sorry about kicking you out
It's just we don't want our brand associated with death
It's okay I'll go to the Costco and search for handsome men
You're not married yet?
Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend
He passed away
My best friend was my boss, Andy
We dated for a while but since then,
he rejected me and we're not really friends
Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas?
Forget him
Yeah. Forget him And you should forget your husband
Well
How long has he been in the bathroom?
Like 10 minutes
Geez, what's he doing in there?
Oh, that's my phone
Am I allowed to answer it or are you going to freak out?
Are there bloggers around?
It's Ryan
"I'm sorry. I lied I'm not in the bathroom
"I can't do it I need to see my mom
"I'm going home.'
What is the delay here?
Where is Ryan?
Why is he not here?
As brilliant and creative as he is
he is nothing compared to this guy
Uh.
What?
That's right. Will you just give us a second?
You are going to bloody ruin it. You're going to bloody ruin it
because you're a no-good, half-assed, cockeyed numpty
Okay. Okay
Jim I'm not doing the presentation
Look at me. Look at me Look at this face
This is not the face of a performer
This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die
I'm telling you, if you don't do this, I don't stand a chance
Please, Jim
Okay, I'll do it
Oh, my God. Okay
Go get into Ryan's costume and check out his notes.
A costume?
Of course there's a costume
Oh, this is going to be great
There's nothing like some last minute changes
to really energize a presentation. Huh?
Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?
I've been in here for 20 seconds.
Hurry up! Let me in I want to watch you get dressed.
Did you find the eyeliner?
I'm not wearing eyeliner
You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.
Time, space, gender
There are no rules anymore.
All boundaries are breaking down
in the wake of the infinite future
The only thing that The only thing that remains...
The only thing that remains
are the things that have stood the test of time
Love, values and of course the Pyramids
The strongest shape ever constructed.
A shape that fits all other shapes inside of it.
No, that's
Mmm. It's true
This is the future because this is the past
I've been through a lot of issues in my life
I've seen drug addiction unemployment
I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart
without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain
Yep
When I was 10 years old my parents took me to Disney world
I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me
This is what the Pyramid will do for you.
It is the bridge to the world.
It has the USB port
Wireless will be available in 2013
You can play anything from Chuck to Cars 2.
With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything
In time and space
Psst
Oh
Sabre. It's time to come home.
All right. Thank you so much. Wow
Wow
And good night
Yeah
Okay, this isn't over Let's stay focused, okay?
We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl
but little things can be dangerous
Whether it's a gremlin or Chucky the doll,
the key is to throw it in something
like a fireplace or a tub of electricity
Okay, good point. Um
Good point? What is a tub of electricity?
With all due respect
we know what we're defending against
It's a 12-year-old female bully.
Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby
Yeah
Yeah, that's not a bad idea actually
because I have had a lot of pent-up aggression
Thanks. - Good! Go
I don't know whether this is gonna help
All right, Kelly
We should stay to maybe some more traditional models.
You think you're so pretty?
You're not going to be so pretty come prom-time
Okay, this is what's called Take that!
...pre-violent posture Take that
Not so pre-violent anymore
I'm in what's called the decision point.
Hey, hey, hey Kelly! Kelly!
Ow
My good eye
Oh, boy
Oh, no, I'm not laughing at you
I'm laughing at something that Cece did
on the playground earlier yesterday, this morning.
You know why I got hit by girls?
Because I stood up for others.
Pam and Toby
didn't care that I was standing up to girls.
You may want to ask yourselves, where were you when the girls came?
Tough day, yes But I feel good
I put the office in their place
took a bunch of painkillers drank half a bottle of wine took my pants off.
Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it.
We could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation.
Dwight, you're the vice president
Yeah Okay! Come on!
Right on
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam
Boom