The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 13 - Jury Duty - full transcript

Val, I need the space
All right guys, clear out
Everybody out
Promise me you're going to clean up.
What I'm going to do or not do
Promise me
Obviously I'm going to clean up
Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying
"Hey, we're uptight You can't dance."
And then, you have to be like "Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this.'
And then, we dance.
Oh, how we dance.
Sex also works
Hey, Jim's back from jury duty.
Hey! Tuna He's back
Hey
Oh, look at this
Tuna wrap Okay
Hand roll
How was jury duty?
Pretty uneventful actually.
Let someone like you serve on a jury
Makes me question the whole judicial system
What was the case?
A hit and run
Ooh! The case of the hit and run. That's exciting.
Did you send him to the slammer?
No. Not guilty
Of course you found him not guilty
He apologized And I just really want him to like me. Mmm!
We're best friends actually.
We're going wine tasting next weekend if you want to come
Not coming Have plans.
Okay
I did get called into jury duty
And they released me around noon
so I didn't think it was worth it
to come back to work for a half day.
And then the next morning, Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids
so I took an extra day to help out.
And then three other days happened
Ah
Angela had the baby
Is it black? Because that would be hilarious
Why?
You know
Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up
Maybe a little bit
Oh. Did I win the pool?
Uh, no Right month wrong year.
No one won the pool Angela wasn't due for another month.
We should all go to the hospital and visit her
Oh, I'd love to, but
Oh, man, I would, but I can't miss any more work
Well, Kevin and I have to go because accounting is its own little family.
Yeah, Oscar's the dad I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.
Everyone, our very own Angela
We all got the e-mail Some of us are going to go visit
Oh, I am so in
It's the perfect blend of love and horror
Things can go so wrong or so right
Come on, Judge Judy tell us your case. What were the deets?
It was actually a pretty boring case
How could it be boring? You were there for five days Titillate us
Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until 6:00 twice to cover for you.
My wife got to the TV first.
I had to sit through damn Rizzoli & damn Isles.
Yeah. My car got smashed visiting one of your clients
and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change
Wow. I'm really sorry
Yeah
I never considered that my week off
would make everyone else's job harder
The least I could do was give them a good story
So Phyllis he was here and then
the car came and it was like that.
Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually
You know when I was on J-duties strangler case,
we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from Ernesto's
Oh, man, Ernesto's
That was our favorite restaurant, too
You mean food truck Ernesto's was a food truck
Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas
Nobody cares about the empanadas
I was in Los Angeles last year
Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS,
but that's not important
While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere
Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them
and nobody calls them restaurants
Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen
Gabe, bring it in
how many of you have seen a premature baby before.
It's going to be really tiny so please don't say anything offensive
Got that, bimbo?
Got it, bimbo
Yes?
Knock, knock.
Hi. - Uh
I don't want What are you guys doing here?
We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite
Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy Philip Halsted Lipton
Philip is so fat
Kevin
You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar
You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby
Yes, he's substantial Hey
He's more than substantial He's a monster.
So this whole hit and run thing
there's this one part I can't figure out.
You said it was at a four-way stop?
Mmm-hmm
And the victim rode his bicycle into the left-hand turn lane
but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
Mmm-hmm
See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is
you never said he was on a bicycle.
Busted, Halpert! Yes Wait. No
Andy, get out here
was on a bicycle
wasn't listening to you
a citizen's arrest
You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right to beg for mercy.
You have the right to request judgment by combat Dwight's rights
What's up, gangsters?
Jim was lying about jury duty
He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing,
I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory
saying that the victim...
Dwight I have me on the record
saying to you take a chill pill all right?
I don't need to take a chill pill
Here, right there
Down the hatch
I really don't want to take a chill pill.
That a boy, good Now, chill.
Okay, okay
But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty
you would have to fire him, right?
Yeah, sure. Of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu
Ha-ha
Good enough for me
Ah
And Pam was just going crazy trying to take care of Philip
because Cece has been out of control recently.
Look, Andy, it doesn't matter The truth is I just feel terrible lying to you.
Getting lied to
No one's ever lied to me before
Okay
I think the best thing to do right now
is just come clean and tell everybody
No. Not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No
Here's what we're going to do
We're going to have ourselves a good old fashioned cover-up
You ever heard of a Connecticut cover up? No
You know why you never heard of it?
Covered it up
Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
They used to call me King Tut
because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps
My nickname was actually King Butt
because I had a king-sized butt
Where do you want it parked?
Okay, everybody Gather round.
Got a real special surprise for you
Ernesto
Hola, Toby!
Uh, I'm going to say "I" when I'm talking for Ernesto
so instead of, "He says blah, blah, blah, '
I'm going to say, "I say blah, blah, blah, ' but that's for him.
Anyway, it was something like he remembers Toby.
"I remember Toby.'
Oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?
It's the empanada guy
The empanada guy
Holy *. Damn it, Toby No, I wasn't asking you.
Ask him if he remembers Jim
No
He says no
He says no. Boom
Yeah, but who remembers all their customers?
I mean, I can name like three of our clients
He remembers Toby the most forgettable man in the known world
He doesn't want any trouble.
He sees lots of people
they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.
Uh, you guys are going to love these, so empanadas on me
You guys got to try them
Usually I'm a burrito guy but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.
Great And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas
Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?
Why? Everybody's heard it
Walk us through it
What time would you get there every morning?
Hey, Murder, She Wrote,
how about we drop the whole Murder, She Wrote thing, okay?
Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning
How do I know? Because I drove him there
Why? Why?
Why?
Because my car broke down
His car broke down so he called me
because I live near the courthouse
Wait, wait, you live by the courthouse
You drove from near the courthouse out to Jim's house
and then back to the courthouse?
Thirty minutes out 30 minutes back easy hour.
And I would watch that cute, little tooshy
scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning
and that was that
I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?
We're getting buried out there
What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Well, I think you handled it pretty well
I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim, I can't keep spinning gold out of your *
Okay, listen, all right?
Dwight's onto us. He's going to figure it out really soon
So let's just get ahead of it. Let's tell the truth
I don't even know what the truth is anymore.
Wow, it's so
healthy
I'm going to call him Little Kevin
No, you will not
Is he really five pounds? Because I squat with five pounds
This
Yeah, this feels like more than that
No, no, no he's nine pounds seven ounces.
Nine pounds? Really?
I thought you said five You know what? I was under so many drugs
a James Taylor concert or something
So, what did you bring?
Oh, yeah, I don't know if it's right, but...
Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper
you hit it out of the park
Oh
Preemie pajamas
Again, it may not be the right size, I can
No, I think he came early just so he could wear these
Thank you
Call of Duty.
This baby is clearly not premature
They're lying about the date it was conceived
It's very interesting
And her husband's gay I don't even know which thread to follow.
Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second?
First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry
I didn't know that my absence last week
would have been a burden on any of you
Because, though I did have jury duty last week,
they did dismiss me early on Monday.
And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious.
I kind of, well maybe took the week off
What?
Funny? No? Nobody laughed
You're screwed
Oh! It's happening. It's really happening
What the hell, Jim I covered for your bony butt
Pam really needed some help with the kids, so...
I promise my intentions were good
Your clients, they're all mine
Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up.
And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse
Uh, I did
Every morning And if I didn't then I hope I die
All right, well, let's get this show on the road, shall we?
Allow me to give you a hand Here we are.
So long, clump mate
I'm going to miss you Truth be told,
I never thought that this was how it was going to end
I was going to defeat you somehow
but you've defeated yourself
Dwight, cut it out I'm not firing Jim.
No, no, no, no you said...
ANDY I know what I said
Jim, you're in deep doo-doo you understand?
And I have one thing to say to you
and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office
Look me in the eye
That's it?
This is crap
You've reached Gabe Lewis. I'm currently indisposed.
Leave me a message. Ciao.
Gabe, it's Dwight again
Highest priority triple urgent.
Call me immediately That means ASAP
I'm going to find Gabe tell him what Jim did
and let the little stickler do what he does best, stickle
Honestly, I can return this for a larger size
It's fine Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right?
It's not the barrio
The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate
Little Kevin
Really? Angela
Fine. God
Philip was conceived nine months ago.
The Senator and I wanted to wait
but we had just seen Thor,
and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata
Chicken marsala Right
And, the point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock
Hmm
And now you all know but you can never tell
I'm serious
Dwight
Hey
Oh. Hey, have you seen Gabe?
He went to the car or something but he'll be back.
Okay
Don't you want to see the baby?
Why? I know what Angela and the Senator look like
I can mash that up in my head right now
wouldn't tell
So don't
Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
What?
She got pregnant before the wedding
How long before? A month
You didn't hear it from me
Yes, I did
Dwight? Dwight.
Well, Angela will make you cut your fingernails It's not worth it
Oh
Yes
Oh
What a beautiful child Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose.
You will lead millions
willingly or as slaves
That baby is a Schrute, and unless somebody taught Mose sex
that baby is mine
He's hungry
Oh, that's my cue to leave.
No, you don't have to I'm going to wear this cover.
Still
You won't be seeing
Do you want the giraffe?
Yes, I am bringing my kids in to help me get out of this hole.
And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam
Hi
Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here
Whoa, whoa, whoa Game face, baby. Game face
Oh, right. Okay
Hey, Stanley it's great to see you
No, that's overdoing it I think.
Hi, Stanley. Split the difference
Jim. Okay. Let's go
Hi
Hi, everybody
What? Oh, hi
How about a little visit?
Wow. What a surprise That's crazy
You guys get to meet the little heck raisers
Hey, Angela's back with her baby.
Yes, well, you guys all know Cece,
but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.
You guys
He's licking on my finger just like my cat does.
Let me have a turn
No, it's the pacifier's turn
All right
Did you say something about
this one bringing in something for these people?
Yes. Cece wanted to thank everybody
for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play
so she brought you a little treat
Oh, cookies?
No. But that would have been a really good idea
That would have been really good
No, she brought you drawings
Oh, my goodness, let's take a look at these
They're usually amazing so let's see. Yep, they are
Uncle Andy
Oh
Aunt Phyllis
Wow. These are incredible Cece, did you do these?
No
She says no to everything. You know, she thinks my name is "No.'
Cece, do you want some broccoli?
Yes
No
It's crazy
Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?
ANDY There is crosshatching in some of these
That's kind of advanced for a 2-year-old.
Cece, this is your big sister, Kelly
Did you color this pretty picture?
No
So then this means nothing to you?
Hey, Cece
why don't you draw another picture for us exactly like this one
or at least in the exact same style?
You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command.
That's very weird Just take that. Thank you.
I think we should just wrap up the show kiddos, right?
Else we can do here
Okay. All right
It's okay, sweetie All right
All right. Okay
It's okay
Shh
Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me
Every baby looks just like you
Your face kind of looks like a baby
Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
That is completely untrue
Completely true
No Remember?
You said that Robert was not fulfilling you
And I said that I could fulfill you
and you said "I'd like to see you try.'
And then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls
That didn't happen
Then I inserted my penis into your...
No! Stop it! Dwight
...vagina and
And even if it did, it's just a coincidence
Admit that there is a chance. I will not
Admit it I will not
It's not
All done? Yes
Yes. He's sleeping
Before I go, may I?
Sure
Watch the head Watch the head
Nurse! You know that baby in there? Baby Philip?
Cancel the circumcision
Who are you?
What that means
We're going to circumcise him
Cece, want to come?
No
Want to come play? Oh, bud, I know.
Do you have a pacifier?
Yeah. I'm looking I'm looking for the pacifier.
Cece Okay, we're going
We got to go All right, we're going home
I know
You gotta grab her I'll go grab her. Okay
Okay. Here we go Here we go.
Okay, I'm just going to go down to the car, and I'm going to put her
in her seat and I'll be right back up
We'll see you tomorrow
No, no, it's okay I'll be right back.
No, just go home
It's all good We got this.
Last week Jim at home
that was no vacation
Jim, just go
Hey, we'll be just fine
Thanks, guys
All right, here we go Let's go
Oh!
Phew
Dwight, what the hell?
You can't smoke in here
Oh, all right
Ah
The office looks different now Mmm
Smaller
Maybe I just feel bigger
Hello, Gabe
You had something important to tell me?
Oh. You know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant
Jim? Oh, right No, forget it.
He was doing it for his kids I get it
Kids drive us dads crazy.
Sometimes I feel like they're raising us.
Am I right?